Roxy Migurdia Lesson Journal for Rudeus Greyrat (K411)

An incident occurred while we were training the other day, it wasn't a big one, Rudy just put too much mana into an intermediate earth spell and it imploded. one of the larger fragments ended up hitting him in the face, which caused a small nosebleed, the injury was nothing too serious, accidents sometimes happen and i healed it well enough.

But it seemed to have shaken Rudy to his core, at least I think it did... for a few seconds he just sat there staring at nothing, blood dripping down his nose, it was quite a sight. I asked if he was alright and he simply nodded, not saying a word. After healing him I decided to end the lesson early. It bothered me how he looked but he wouldn't say anything to me, so I let it go.

Still, my concern stayed with me all day until dinner that evening. That's when I saw that Rudy was back to his usual self, this calmed my heart a little, but remembering that look on his face still bothered me somewhat, so I decided to keep a close eye on him in the meantime. It only took a few days for me to notice a definite change in Rudy, he started to get up later than usual, and seemed rather sluggish, especially when he trained with Paul.

all these weren't big changes, in fact no one else seemed to notice any changes at all about him, but i did. i noticed him yawning a lot more than usual, Rudy would even yawn in the middle of the day, was he perhaps not getting enough sleep?

When I expressed my concern to Zenith she dismissed it saying how Rudy was a tough boy and how he never cried when he was a baby, even when he fell, I for one found that a little hard to believe... but then she started to tease me about how I was paying too much attention to Rudy. but it was not like that at all, i am his teacher, of course i would be concerned, even if it is only a small change, I should notice it, it's only natural right?

Anyways, my concern for Rudy culminated one evening when he didn't show up to one of my night lessons. i was looking forward to this lesson so i waited for him for almost an hour, and yet, despite this, he did not show, i was a little crestfallen to be honest, i was going to teach him a little about the Migurd Tribe, he seemed rather receptive when i asked if he wanted to know, but perhaps learning about me was too boring for him after all? Maybe I needed to re-examine my entire curriculum. ugh, even remembering that moment...

(Roxy takes a moment so wipe tears from her eyes)

but that's not the important part, that came when i went to search for him, it didn't take long, it never did, Zenith would tease me about that from time to time, she would always come to me when she could not find Rudy, she would call it my "Rudy sense", she would tell me that Rudy too also had it, he would always know whenever i went out and when i came back, honestly... that child...

ah, but anyways, i found Rudy in his room asleep, he must've suddenly fallen asleep because he still had his day clothes on, white shirt and red shorts, he was laying halfway on his bed, he even has his shoes on.

(a smile crosses her face)

but, when i called out to him he seemed to suddenly jolt awake, as if he was scared of something. i asked if he was alright and he said that he was, but i knew better, i could see it in his face, something was clearly bothering him, but he was keeping what it was close to his chest. so i decided to assure him, i went over to him, took a hold of his hand and told him if anything concerned him, anything at all, he was free to tell me all about it, and i would show no judgment, even if he needed just a hug, i would give him one... ah, well i didn't tell him that last part, that would be too embarrassing...

In response, he put his hand on top of mine and said that he was alright, but I could see that something was still clearly bothering him, but pressing the issue further might cause him to pull away from me, and I didn't want that, so I let it go. still, it bothers me greatly how he does not trust me yet, maybe i shouldn't have told him about the superd, he was a bit young for that, and i remember being terrified of them for many nights after my parents told me about them...

In any case, this entry went on longer than usual so I'll end it here. I sure hope Rudy shows up for my magic lessons tomorrow... i don't know what i would do with myself it if he didn't...


(Rudeus)

Dammit, Dammit, God dammit... she saw me... and i thought i was being careful too. ah, well nothing i can do about it now, all i can do is continue acting like normal, who knows maybe this will all go away eventually, they say time heals all wounds right?

oh who am i kidding, i know this feeling, i know it all too well, it was the same feeling i got when i was locked up in my room and tried to leave, its trauma, PTSD, whatever you wanna call it, and i know the cause, it was that damn rock that hit me in the face. I've had worse blows than that, in both this life and the last, that damn Paul has given me plenty worse... but for some reason, when that rock hit me in the face i suddenly remembered... that truck, it hit me in the face almost the exact same way...

Now all my wonderful Roxy dreams suddenly became nightmares of that Truck hitting me in the face over and over. It's been a rough few days to put it lightly... even my sleep schedule has been suffering as of late... it's so bad that i ended up missing one of Roxy's lessons, and it was about her race, the migurd tribe! what a loss that was!

Well, anyways, ever since that night Roxy has been rather more attentive to me, while I normally enjoy her paying attention to me, for some reason it bothered me how concerned she was being, she tried to end the lesson early simply because i yawned once or twice. and she always had this look on her face, like she wanted to say something to me, but never did. this was bothering me way too much, i wanted her to act the way she used to, that way i could act normal as well, sigh, i should try and alleviate her concern about me, but how?

...

(later that night)

"GASP"

Again I awoke with a start, god dammit, this is a bad one, a really bad one, i need to run, i don't know where but i need to get out, i can't breathe, this room is so constricting!

(in the hallway)

welp, i calmed down a little, but now I'm having another issue, it's a rather large one at that... I can't seem to find the courage to re-enter my room. I mean what the hell is this, some sort of reverse Hikikomori thing? who the hell cant enter their own room? ugh, how pathetic can i get...

I thought I left that all behind me, but here I am once again... I'm so screwed, how am I going to explain this to Paul and Zenith, Lilia? heck how am i going to tell Roxy about this? just remembering that look of concern on her face... god dammit... ugh... it's coming back. I hate this... calm down... calm...


(Roxy)

I was up late one night writing an apology letter to Jenius, my master... but no matter what I wrote it never seemed good enough, I said some terrible things to him, things that I feared he would never forgive... I know I wouldn't.

Normally I would be fast asleep by now, but thoughts about Rudy filled my mind, what exactly was going on with him? i could not stop seeing the look on his face when i called out to him, there was no other way to put it, it was.. terror.

so, to alleviate my thoughts on this, and on nights where i generally couldn't sleep i would do things like this, sometimes i would write to my parents, i would never send any of these letters, mostly because the things i wrote, i never meant any of it, it was just a bunch of lies to make me feel better... they don't deserve that... still i would write one letter and then burn it afterwards... I know, it's strange but it calmed me down on sleepless nights like this one...

but then i heard a creak behind me, the door was opening... it was very late so i was a bit startled, i turned to look and saw... Rudy. whew, honestly, what was he doing up in this hour?

that's when i noticed the look on his face, my eyes widened, something was wrong, very wrong, i stood up from my chair.

"Rudy? Rudy, what's wrong?"

He refused to look at me. All he did was stare at the ground, he was shaking, i quickly went over to him and knelt down and spoke to him softly.

"Rudy, tell me, what's wrong?"

he was clutching his chest tightly, his breathing was a little erratic, was it a heart problem? or maybe he hurt himself somehow. maybe i should cast a healing spell and-

"uhm"

I could see he was trying his hardest to say something, so I waited until he did.

"uh, ah... I'm... I'm scared"

once he admitted that, i could see tears form in his eyes, and like a damn, it all came gushing out

"Ugh *sniff*, I'm... scared teacher... please, help"

"oh, Rudy"

i could not help myself, despite how embarrassing i said it was, despite the teasing Zenith gave me, i ended up hugging Rudy, hugging him tightly, i did not know what else to do, it was just obvious that he needed a hug, so i have him one. I felt him hug me back, almost as tightly as I did. feeling him hug me back felt very nice, it was as if all my concerns about his feelings toward me vanished.

I felt adequate.

suddenly guilt welled up inside me, that was not important at the moment, Rudy was in a terrible state, and i don't know why, but somehow, i felt like this was my fault, maybe it was because of the superd i told him about, or some other bedtime story, it didn't matter, i was going to heal Rudy's heart somehow, it was my duty to do so... as his teacher... but, what should i do?

As I pondered on what to do Rudy eventually stopped his shaking and crying into my shirt, he apologized for doing so but I dismissed his concern, with a shake of my head.

"It's OK Rudy, um... are you feeling better?"

"oh, uh... yea... sorry"

again with the apologies, honestly this child

"then, lets head back to your room and-"

when i tried to release him from my hug, i felt him jolt and hug me more tightly

"What's wrong?"

all he did was look away, i held back a sigh and softly stroked his hair, well at least he was not in a panic state anymore, but there was still fear there. Perhaps he saw something in his room? i guess i could take my candle and-

"Teacher"

"Yes Rudy?"

"c-can i stay here?"

this gave me pause, a part of me wondered for a moment if he was planning to do something perverted, it was Rudy after all. but when i looked down at him, i saw that he was looking directly at me and felt him hug me even tighter, and in his eyes i saw a sort of desperation, he wanted me to say yes, badly.

"oh, well... alright"

I felt him relax almost immediately, his shoulders slumped, but he still would not let go of me. I tried to stand but.

"Rudy, can i-"

"NO"

immediate response, such a child my little student was, oh well. I ended up picking him up with me holding him, not unlike a mother would. My little student clung to me with both arms and legs. I could not help but let out a small laugh, he was red in the face, clearly embarrassed, but he still would not let go. it was like he needed this, he needed me... i felt my heart flutter a bit but i pushed those feelings away.

i thought about sitting on the chair with him, but i was already very tired, and this scare made me more so, i blew out the candle and took my little student to bed with me, i was still in my day clothes but that didn't matter at the moment, it was very late and it was clear to me that Rudy needed sleep, he was already nodding off in my arms.

we lay there for a short while hugging each other, i stroked My precious little student's hair softly with one hand as i felt him unconsciously snuggle up against me, his breathing slowed, at some point My cute little student had fallen asleep, after a while i felt sleep take me as well, i welcomed its embrace.


the next morning, I awoke, I reached out for Rudy but found that he was not there, lifting myself up i saw, and heard, the door close softly, then I heard the patter of footsteps on wood as Rudy rushed back to his room, and somehow I knew just by hearing those exited footsteps, Rudy was back to his normal self. I laid back down and let out a sigh of contented relief. It was such a good night's sleep I just had.

Later on I noticed that one of my underwear had gone missing, and I realized that he took them after waking, was this his plan all along? no, i shouldn't think like that, i knew that something was bothering him, and it was clear that he felt better afterwards but...

I suppose I could confront him about my underwear but that was just way too embarrassing of a subject to bring up... so I let it go for now. well, anyways... eventually things went back to normal between us, he never again mentioned that night or why he was so bothered, well... all's well that ends well right?

but, on some nights, i find myself wishing he would come back, i started hugging my pillow just to recreate that moment but i always felt foolish doing so afterwards, so i stopped. Well, I'm sure it was an embarrassing moment for Rudy so he may not want to recreate it like I do, but at the very least, the memory of that moment will live on in my heart...


(Many years later)

it was late at night and i found myself in my room dozing off on my desk, i wanted to write a letter to my parents about Lara, but i was having a hard time thinking about what to say, maybe i should just visit them directly, but I'll need to ask for permission to go off on my own with Lara, who knows, he may even come with me.

a knock on my door startled me awake

"ah, come in"

the door slowly creaked open, i turned to see a very tall and handsome Rudy standing there

"ah Rudy, come in, isn't it a bit late for..."

i noticed the look on his face, the same look i saw when he was a child, a little scared and lonely, perhaps panicked.

"again?"

he only nodded

"oh, Rudy..."

i stood up and walked over to my bed, sat down and patted on the mattress

"come here"

he obeyed and sat next to me

"s-sorry"

"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to you know, i know you haven't told sylphy about this"

"ah..."

oh, that remark genuinely stung him, perhaps i went too far, he was here for comfort not a scolding.

"oh, well never mind that, just, come"

as soon as i opened my arms to him he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly, only now he was much bigger than me, and stronger too

"ah, Rudy, not so tight"

he immediately loosed his grip

"oh, sorry"

"you keep apologizing, what's wrong, was it a bad one this time?"

"yea..."

"oh, dear... for you to admit it..."

"..."

"hmm, well... who was it?"

"huh?"

"Tell me who it was that died?"

"huh? how did you..."

"I've known you for a long time now, i know how you get, tell me, who was it?"

I waited patiently for him to work up the courage, it took him some effort but he eventually said it.

"Sylphy..."

"I see... um, is it too much to ask how?"

i felt him tense up at this

"alright, alright, never mind, you don't need to say"

i gently stroked his hair to calm him down and he relaxed again

"But, I think it will make it better if you say it out loud, you know..."

"Yeah, I guess..."

He agreed with me, but the dismissive tone told me what he really meant. It was a rejection, I kind of expected it but... it still stung a little, he still didn't fully trust us, at least he told me what the nightmare was about. Well, I kind of guessed but...

I pulled Rudy back with me on my bed, all the while we never let go of each other, it was a bit of a struggle but i somehow managed to pull the cover over ourselves, i realized then that i left the candle on, oh well, I'll let it burn out and get a new one tomorrow, i was just... too comfortable at the moment.

I swear every time he sleeps alone there's always a chance he has a nightmare. He should've just invited one of us... well it's fine either way, he's in here with me after all. I guess we could call this our special thing we have. I am ashamed to admit it but there is a part of me that is glad that he hasn't told Sylphy about this yet.

Ah, I'm sorry Sylphy... I guess I really am a selfish woman... for continuing to want this version of Rudy all to myself...

we both dozed off as we hugged each other, it wasn't quite the same as when he was a child, but it was close enough, sometimes he would get frisky with me after calming down but tonight was not one of those nights, tonight we just enjoyed each other's company.

"goodnight Rudy"

All I got in response was a mumble. He was already asleep... good... I got myself comfortable and eventually fell asleep as well...