Chapter 10: The Guardian Of This Sacred Forest!

"Da doo, da doo, dadoot dadoo, dadoot dadoo!"

*rumble*

"Da doo, da doo, dadoot dadoo, dadoot dadoo!"

*rumble*

"Elsie, stop humming and get down here!"

"Huh?" Elsie looked down from where she was perched atop her fire engine's extended ladder, swinging her legs in the wind and leaning against the railing.

*rumble*

"I said get down from there!" Keima yelled again.

"Why?"

*rumble*

"Because it's dangerous!" he shouted, hands clasped together. "You could fall!"

*rumble*

"I'm fine!" she called back to him.

"Just get down here!"

*rumble*

"Fine!" Elsie rolled her eyes and stood up, placing her hands firmly on the rail.

*rumble*

Then she flipped over it and dropped to the ground, using the new raiment Aqua made her like a purple parachute to touch down gently on the outcrop overlooking the sea of trees, where their quarry awaited.

*rumble*

"Tell me, Elucia!" Mugumin pointed dramatically at her. "What do your demon eyes see?"

*rumble*

"The turtle's over that way, making its way towards us." Elsie pointed out across the forest, where she'd seen a mighty tree moving not-so-genty above the others.

*rumble*

"Very, very slowly."

"Of course." Kazuma shook his head. "How are we supposed to get to that thing? Fly there?"

*ru- You know what, forget it. You guys get the picture. There's an earthquake every time the giant, mountain-sized tortoise takes a step.

"Well, we could-"

"No, we are not flying there!" Kazuma snapped before Aqua could suggest it.

"I was going to say that we drive up closer and see if we could climb it," Aqua pouted, puffing out her cheeks as she turned and folded her arms.

"Now if we can just…" Kazuma trailed off, then turned back to Aqua. "Wait, no, that actually is the best option right now. Weird that you came up with it."

"Hey, I have good ideas all the time!" Aqua stomped a foot indignantly.

"Yeah, sure you do." Kazuma rolled his eyes.

Ah, but wait. We're getting ahead of ourselves, aren't we?


Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!


The night after the bake sale:

"We have to do what?" Kazuma shouted angrily as he slammed his hands against the old mahogany table for dramatic effect.

Seven adventurers, whom many throughout Axel were now calling the 'Kazukrew' to the annoyance of pretty much the entire party except for Kazuma himself, were seated around their dining room table. The topic of the evening was the piece of paper that Keima brought home due to his ongoing legal battle and the sheer incompetence he'd displayed in trying to worm his way out of it.

"We have to find and bring back at least two golden apples," the culprit explained. "That shouldn't be too hard. I know fruits and vegetables are alive and try to attack people but they can't be that strong, right?"

"Why would fruit attack people?" Megumin asked. Keima glowered at her, unsure if the girl was being serious or not. Kazuma, however, had been here long enough to know that she was being genuine. Vegetables were monsters, fruit was just fruit. This world made no sense.

"Shouldn't be hard?" Kazuma repeated as he pointed an accusatory finger at the quest notice. "Did you not see the thirteen goddamn skull stamps on this thing? Hell, I think Beldia was only, like, ten! And he was a goddamn Devil King General!"

"Thirteen is a very unlucky number." Elsie nodded. "I heard that it was cursed by Marquis Leraje after she got bumped down a ranking in the Ars Goetia compared to the Domonarchia Daemonum."

"That's the Pseudomonarchia Darmonum," Aqua corrected her.

"What, no, the Demon Monarchy wasn't fake," Elsie protested. "I mean, they did get overthrown and replaced with a ruling council, which now that I think about it isn't really that different than the old monarchical system in practice. The laws may have changed and the names and faces may be different, but ultimately it's still a rigidly enforced caste system ruled by powerful immortals whose rule is seen as absolute and ironclad. Wait, what were we talking about?"

"Look, just send the quest back and we'll pay whatever fines we have to pay," Kazuma grumbled. "No, I take that back. Take the execution, and then we can have Aqua just bring you back."

"Is that all I am to you?" Aqua asked, outraged. "Just a free revive?"

"Pretty much, yeah," Kazuma agreed.

"I'm starting to think that I should just let myself get executed." Keima slumped onto the table. "Then this whole nightmare can finally come to an end."

"What, no, you can't leave me," Elsie squealed. "We're supposed to be partners!"

"I, for one, think that we should face this challenge head-on!" Darkness stood up and slammed a hand on the table as she spoke. Thankfully the table was strong enough not to break. "Can we even call ourselves adventurers if we refuse to take on an adventure that's practically thrown into our lap?"

"I second that motion." Megumin imitated Darkness' action, though it was far less impactful when a malnourished barely-a-teen did it compared to a superhumanly strong knight. "We can do this!"

"The fact that you two think we should take this quest just makes me more sure that we shouldn't," Kazuma groaned. "So, where do we find golden apples, then?"

"On a golden apple tree, of course," Megumin explained unhelpfully.

"And they grow… where?" Kazuma cocked an eyebrow.

"It is said that a golden apple tree can only grow in the mana-rich soil on the back of an Island Tortoise," Darkness explained, comparatively more helpfully. "However, Island Tortoises have been nearly extinct since an age long before the Kingdom of Belzerg was founded. Only one is known to still exist, which is said to endlessly migrate along the entire planet."

"Well, isn't that just great," Kazuma sighed. "The stupid thing's probably on the other side of the globe right now, or something."

"Actually, it's currently making its way through the forests west of here," Darkness pointed out. "My parents took me to see it once when I was still a child and I doubt it's moved more than a few miles since then. It is a giant tortoise, after all."

"So, we just have to find this giant turtle, find the magic tree on its back, and grab a couple of apples," Keima recapped. "Sounds easy enough, what's the catch?"

"AH-HA!" Megumin climbed onto her chair so that she could plant a foot on the table dramatically, holding her arm out. Her eyepatch also seemed to have spontaneously glued itself to her face. "You see, not only are the apples of legend protected by the sheer magnitude of the legendary world tortoise, but legends also speak of a legendary guardian who guards the legendary tree! And that legendary guardian is none other than the legendary God of Dragons!"

"Pfft, there's no God of Dragons," Aqua scoffed dismissively.

"Y-you said legend seven times," Yunyun pointed out.

'Yeah, no, we're not doing this." Kazuma shook his head.


Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!


A few days later:

"How did I let you talk me into this?" Kazuma shook his head.

They had relocated from the cliff overlooking the forest to just outside the ruins of an old fortress deep in the heart of the woods. The primary effect of this change in venue was that they were now close enough to the giant tortoise that they could all see it and, more importantly, see just how massive it was.

"I've seen mountains that were smaller than that thing," Kazuma complained, flailing his arms about in wild gesticulation. "How are we even supposed to get up there?"

"I feel like we had this discussion already," Aqua mused.

Everyone stared up at the Island Tortoise with expressions that ranged from awe to flabbergasted astonishment. So caught up in the grand majesty of the oldest living (non-divine) being on the planet that they didn't notice the monsters sneaking up behind them. Thankfully for the rest of the group, though, these monsters didn't have the brains to take out the healer first and went straight for the tank instead.

Darkness stumbled forward as a large boulder suddenly tackled her from the rear. There were many things that Darkness wanted to do that to her but boulders weren't one of them. Even exploding ones.

"Explosion Stones!" Darkness shouted as she turned and drew her sword. "Everyone, get behind me!"

Everyone was quick to comply, except Elsie who drew her scythe and rushed up beside her instead. The Explosion Stone that struck Darkness, well, exploded. Darkness was able to brace herself from the impact without issue but Elsie was sent flying skyward by the blast. That was far from the end of it, though, as three more Explosion Stones hopped closer.

"Fireball!" Yunyun stepped to the side and held her hand out, a large ball of flames (what else would that spell do?) blasting one of the large rocks and forcing it to explode prematurely, taking out the other two with it.

"Stupid random encounters," Kazuma grumbled. "Can't you see we're busy?"

Elsie floated back down to them, using her raiment as a makeshift parachute again. "That was fun!"

"Not the word I'd use," Keima shook his head, turning back to the Island Turtle, which continued to march ever onward. "Now we still need to figure out how to get up there."

"I… think I might have an idea," Darkness said, looking first at Elsie and then back to the ruins.

"I already hate where this is going, but proceed," Kazuma directed her.

"Well, my plan goes like this…"


Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!


"In case we don't survive this, I just want you all to know that I hate you," Kazuma grumbled as he, Aqua, Megumin, Keima, Elsie and Yunyun huddled together in a giant bowl of solid earth created by the (competent) Wizards.

"Alright, on the count of three!" Darkness yelled excitedly from where she was leaning over the side, sword drawn. "1… 2… 3!"

She slapped the flat side of the blade against one of the dozen clustered Explosion Stones below. The blast was nothing like what Megumin, or even Keima, could produce but was still enough to send them all hurtling into the air like a rocket. Once they reached the apex of their ascent and started to fall back to the ground, Aqua and Elsie would pull out their raiments at either end and use them to safely control their descent onto the tortoise's back.

Or at least that was the plan. What ended up happening instead was the dirt basket shattering instantly while the individual party members were all launched into uncontrolled freefall miles above the ground.

This was, simply put, not ideal.

"Aughmahbahgahblahbahmagahahahaaaaaaaa!" No one could quite make out what Aqua was trying to babble as she flailed her arms about wildly, and not just because of the deafening roar of the wind as they fell.

Elsie, having already done this mere moments ago, was able to repeat her raiment trick from before with little effort, though with Keima, Megumin and Yunyun clinging to her legs for dear life, she wasn't able to control their fall as well as she would have liked and they ended up slamming into a tree on the way down.

That left Darkness and Kazuma to try and figure out what to do. For Darkness, the solution was simple. She divebombed the tortoise head-first, relying on her durability to protect her. She did not survive. Kazuma, on the other hand, acted quickly and controlled his descent, tackling Aqua in midair.

"Wahamahahawhua!" the useless goddess continued to scream incoherently as Kazuma wrapped his arm around her waist and grabbed her silky pink cloth with one hand.

No, get your mind out of the gutter, he grabbed her raiment.

He was able to flip it the right way so that it poofed out as air was caught under it and they both found themselves falling much, much slower than before. Kazuma's arm was nearly ripped out of its socket in the process but he somehow managed to hold on.

At least until a bird poked a hole in it before they reached the ground. Aqua managed to fall into a large pond of collected rainwater and, as the goddess of water, was completely unharmed even though the impact with that force would have been crippling if not outright lethal to a human. Kazuma, meanwhile, crashed into a tree with enough force to shatter most of the bones in his body.

Kazma found himself sitting in his usual chair in the afterlife. He's even carved his initials into it earlier, despite Eris' protests. Darkness was sitting on a chair next to him this time, which was different, while the goddess Eris herself stared at them from her fancy white chair.

"W-where are we?" Darkness asked, looking around at the Chess Void (trademark pending). "What's going oooo-OH MY GODDESS! L-Lady Eris?"

"Hello, Darkness, my old friend," Eris said sorrowfully, prompting a snicker from Kazuma. "Yes, I am Eris. I only wish that we could have met on better terms. It would appear that you have died."

"Eh, you get used to it." Kazuma shrugged. "Aqua's going to revive us in just a sec, so it's no big deal."

"It is an honor, my Lady." Darkness stood up from her chair and dropped to one knee, bowing her head before her patron deity. "I thank you for the many blessings that you have bestowed upon me through my admittedly short life. It's been like I've felt you there beside me this whole time. I am truly sorry to have thrown it away so thoughtlessly."

"Again, we're going to be back in just a moment," Kazuma pointed out but was ignored as Eris walked up to Darkness.

"Rise, my child, there is no need for such formality." Eris offered her hand and the Crusader accepted it, pulling her to her feet. "Know that you have always been my favorite."

"T-thank you, my Lady!" Darkness stammered, clearly thrown off by the comment. Finding out that your god thought of you so highly would have been a surprise for just about anyone.

"Hey, what about me?" Kazuma whined, always more focused on himself than others. "I thought I was your favorite.

Eris turned to him, a shadow of an annoyed glare casting itself over her usual 'cute' expression. "You may have my favor but that is not the same thing. You're not even one of my followers."

The goddess then turned back to her Crusader, having to look quite a ways up to make eye contact. Neither of them seemed to know what to say next, so they ended up standing like that in silence for a moment, staring into each other's eyes.

"Eh, I can ship it," Kazuma teased while scratching his chin thoughtfully.

*Whap!*

Kazuma stood there, stunned and reached up to his stinging cheek, an impression of a handprint burned into it. It took him a moment to properly register the fact that Eris had just slapped him across the face.

"I was joking!" Kazuma weekly defended himself, though it came across as a thinly veiled excuse.

"That's not something to joke about, Kazuma!" Darkness blushed indecently. "S-she's a goddess, I'm a mortal. There could never be anything…"

"My followers are like my children!" Eris said indignantly.

"Er, yeah, that…" Darkness grew quiet.

"Again, it was just a joke," Kazuma insisted. "I was just trying to lighten the mood or something."

"Very well, moving on from that-" Eris took a deep breath to focus and adjusted her habit-

*plop*

-only for something small and white to gently fall onto the glass-like ground. The goddess' face turned a shade of red that Kazuma hadn't seen on her before while her eyes grew frantically wide.

"Ignore that!" Eris grabbed the offending item quickly and shoved it back down her habit, making sure that it settled back in place.

Darkness took a step back, a scandalized look on her face. "Wait, so when the Axis Order say that you pad your chest…?"

"I TOLD YOU!" Aqua's voice echoed through the void. "I told you but nobody ever listens!"

"There is nothing wrong with chest pads!" Eris pouted angrily as she stomped a foot on the ground, like a child having a tantrum.

"I don't know.." Kazuma chimed in. "I'll be the first to admit that flat is justice, but it does feel kind of like false advertising, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah, especially since gods can choose how they look," Aqua agreed.

"Well, I for one prefer to stay in my natural form," Eris defended herself. "Unlike some goddesses that I could name."

"Hey, that's not fair," Aqua huffed. "I'm not an ascended mortal like you."

"Wait, wait, wait." Kazuma held his hands up, trying to process what he just heard. "Are you saying that the blue-haired bimbo that we all know and mostly tolerate isn't what Aqua actually looks like? What, are you actually ugly or something?"

"Hey, take that back or I'm not reviving you!" Aqua yelled at him.

"Quite the contrary, actually," Eris said. "Aqua's true form is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen."

"Thank you!"

"However," she continued, "seeing it would be too much for your mortal minds to comprehend. At best, your brain would simply filter it out and you wouldn't notice her. However, it's just as likely that you'd go insane or even die if you caught even a glimpse of her."

"Wait, what?" Kazuma stood there, stunned and more than a little taken back. He started to wonder if he shouldn't tease the all-powerful Eldritch being so much, afterall. Then he remembered that they were talking about Aqua.

"That sounds enticing," Darkness said before she could stop herself. "Now I want to see her for myself."

"Eh, maybe one day when you can actually handle me." Kazuma could somehow hear Aqua shrug. "But I guess for now you're just going to have to wonder."

"The best way that I could describe her in a way that you could understand would be like an octopus made out of light but that doesn't come close to doing her justice," Eris explained, and Kazuma filed away that information for later. It was prime insult fodder, after all, but he couldn't use that now lest Aqua actually go back on reviving him.

"You didn't have to tell them that!" Aqua whined.

"Oh, sorry, senpai." Eris blushed.

"Ugh, let's just get this over with. Sacred Revive-times-two!"

"No, wait!" Darkness shot up from where her corpse had been laid after the others retrieved it, holding out a hand towards nothing. Thankfully, her skull was no longer bashed in thanks to Aqua's magic. "I didn't even get to say goodbye to Lady Eris."

"Eh, stick around long enough with this party and I'm sure you'll see her again." Kazuma stretched as he sat up, testing the range of movement in his newly mended bones. "Hey, I think you set one of my ribs wrong."

"Oh, sorry about that. Here!"

Kazuma screamed and nearly passed out from the pain. As Aqua's magic did its thing. Why couldn't the reality of fantasy be more like the fantasy of fantasy, goddamn it!


Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!


With the whole gang alive and reunited, thanks in no small measure to Aqua's sheer brilliance and majesty, they drudged their way through the forest growing atop the island tortoise's shell. If it wasn't for the steady rocking and swaying that accompanied the titanic turtle's movements, it would have been impossible to tell that they were actually on the creature's back. Well apart from the trees all being larger and stronger than those found in the forest below and the plant life being a mix of species found all across the globe.

It truly was a marvelous and unique habitat unlike anything else to be found on that planet. It seemed a shame that it was the last of its kind. At least Takeru had finally managed to kill the Jormangandr before it wiped them out completely. Yamato-san had always been one of her favorite champions.

"We've already been through here," Megumin whined from near the front of the group. "I remember that tree that looks like it has a face."

"That's not the same tree," Kazuma insisted.

It was and Aqua knew it but she also knew that it would be funnier to wait until Kazuma finally realized they were leading them in circles than to tell him now. She'd probably insist that she was making it up, anyway, like he was with Megumin. Although, with all of this extra hiking, waiting might not be worth it. After a few minutes, she finally snapped.

"Kazuma, Kazuma, Kazuma!" she started yelling.

"Yes, I'm Kazuma," their leader turned to glare at her. "What is it now?"

"Darkness has been marking the trees we've walked by with her sword," she pointed out. "You can see the scratch marks."

"What?" Kazuma whipped around to the tree he'd been walking by and, sure enough, he could see them. "Darkness, why didn't you say anything?"

"I thought that you had noticed," Darkness claimed.

"If I had noticed, then why would we be going in circles!" Kazuma yelled, causing Darkness to shiver in delight. Seriously, why was she in Eris' stupid little cult instead of the Axis Order? She totally had what it would take to be one of Aqua's best followers and she definitely wasn't just thinking that because they were friends.

"I thought you wanted us to get some extra exercise in before we face the dragon," Darkness explained, though nobody was buying it. Well, nobody but Elsie and maybe Yunyun.

"Ugh, I can't believe this." Kazuma gripped the sides of his head in frustration. "We're completely lost and have been wandering for hours."

"It's only been about 45 minutes," Keima corrected him, looking up from his PFP for the first time since they started hiking.

"That's still way too long and doesn't change the fact that we're lost!" Kazuma snapped at him. "Ugh, let's just try this way instead."


Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!


After another hour, they finally managed to find the largest tree in the forest. Judging by the glittering sparkles shining down from its branches, either this was the tree they were looking for or it was home to some very wealthy crows.

"Flippin' finally!" Kazuma raised his hands dramatically. "Now we've just got to snag a couple and go."

"B-but what about the dragon?" Yunyun stammered, looking around cautiously.

"What about it?" Kazuma asked sarcastically. "I don't see one around here, do you?"

Naturally, that was followed by a loud rumble, distinct from the rumbling of the tortoise's movements that they had all grown used to by that point.

"Of course," Kazuma shook his head and drew his still-nameless katana, getting ready for a fight that he was hoping to avoid. "God hates me."

"No I don't," Aqua replied. "You do get pretty annoying sometimes, though."

A patch of dead leaves lying on the ground was suddenly blown into the air, revealing a large blue snout underneath. Everyone froze as the nose took several audible sniffs. A stray leaf got caught and sucked into the left nostril.

A sneeze that could make a thunderstorm jealous rocked the forest and the remaining leaves were all blown away in an instant as a massive reptilian figure rose, coughing and hacking as it spread its wings and stretched to its full height on all four of its legs. It had to have stood at least seven meters tall, or twenty-three feet if anyone there had been American.

"Ack, why? Straight into my nose!" The dragon rubbed at its face aggressively, speaking in a deep, reverberating bass.

Everyone looked up at the massive azure dragon with a mix of fear and awe. Where they fell on that scale varied wildly from party member to party member, though. After a moment, it finally seemed to have cleared out its nasal passages and calmed down, looking down at the party.

"Oh, aha, thieves!" The dragon seemed almost excited to see them there. "No doubt that you have come here in pursuit of the mythical golden apples that grow only here, in the World's Forest atop the back of the ancient Eldradi. But your foolish quest ends now, mortals, for you stand now face-to-face with none other than the Grrrrrrrrrrreat Ladooooooooooniiiiiiiiiis! Whooop whooop whooop whoooooooooo!"

Did… did that dragon just make air horn noises with its mouth? Oh, God, and now it was standing up on its hind legs and… flexing dramatically? Did that dragon have a ten-pack of abs? Was that even biologically possible?

"Huminahuminahuminahumina-"

Tuning out Darkness' insane muttering (and drooling) for the moment, Kazuma tried his best to take stock of the situation. They were fighting a damned dragon after all, which was now standing at least twenty meters tall on its hind legs, with a physique that would make Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime jealous. Now what?

If it was a dragon, then it was probably fireproof, which likely meant explosion-proof as well, so Megumin was right out in this battle unless literally nothing else worked. But that was normal. Yunyun and Keima were likely going to be their heavy hitters for this fight, while Darkness and Elsie drew its attention, Aqua was on healing duty and Kazuma would do his best to stay out of everybody's way until he inevitably got dragged into things. Pretty straightforward fight, right?

Darkness finally got control of herself, wiping the drool from her mouth and stepping forward with her sword drawn.

"If you think that you can get in our way, dragon, then be my guest! I can take anything you can throw at me, so hit me with your best!" she announced, but couldn't seem to help but add, "and I do mean your hardest!"

"Haha!" the dragon laughed and shot a pillar of flame into the sky from his mouth before staring back down at her. "I like your spirit, girl! But you invite your doom!"

"I can take you!" Darkness insisted. "Oh, Goddess, let me take you!"

The dragon scoffed at that and smiled smugly. Wait, how was he smiling? He didn't even have lips.

"Very well, girl! Face the undying storm of my passion and take this!"

Darkness dropped her sword and spread her arms out wide as the dragon proceeded to punch her with enough force that Kazuma was nearly knocked back by the shockwave. The horny crusader was sent flying into a tree and fell to the ground in a moaning heap.

"Now, that was but just a taste of the power of the Guh-Guh-Guh-Great Ladonis' dragon-form martial arts!" the dragon boasted, flexing again with a confident smirk. "Now, does anyone else want a taste of me, or are going to be smart and lea-"

"More!" Darkness shouted as she rushed back up the dragon, her whole face had turned bright red and she was panting heavily but not from exertion. Seriously, what was that girl's problem?

"What?" The dragon stared down at her with wide eyes, clearly taken aback.

"I said more!" Darkness yelled. "Hit me, baby, one more time!"

"I… what?" The 'Great Ladonis' actually took a few steps back from the mad woman. "Why would you…"

"Yeah, sorry about her. She's crazy." Kazuma shook his head. "Look, we don't want a fight, we just need two of those golden apples and then we'll go. We need them to pay off a debt."

"Well, I can't let you take them," Ladonis shook his head. "It is my job to protect the last golden apple tree and I wouldn't be able to do that if I just let any old adventuring party with a sob story come in and take the apples."

"Come on, hit me!" Darkness continued to insist. "It is my duty as a Crusader to subject myself to whatever torments you have in store!"

"Seriously, did this girl hit her head or something?" Ladonis asked. "That isn't normal."

"Decoy!" Darkness triggered a skill that drew her enemies' attention to her. "Now, let's see what happens when your unstoppable force meets my immovable object!"

"Ugh, fine. I was holding back before but NOT THIS TIME!" Ladonis reared his fist back, which was engulfed with flames as his aggression grew in response to the skill. "Dragon Blow!"

Darkness took the full force of the devastating punch, again, which sent her flying through the forest, toppling over several ancient trees along the way.

"There, now that the maniac's out of the way, prepare to face your doooooooooom!" The Great Ladonis crouched forward, placing far too much unnecessary emphasis on that last word.

"Hey, how dare you do that to Darkness!" Aqua stepped forward. "Just because you think you're all big and strong doesn't give you the right to attack poor, innocent knights. Why don't you try picking on someone in your own weight class?"

"I'd hardly call Darkness innocent," Kazuma grumbled.

"Oh, gods, another one." Ladonis rolled his eyes. "Look, she literally asked me to do that. You can't get upset just because I did what she wanted me to do, and… you know what, fine. You want to fight? Then let's fight, puny little mortal!"

"I'm not mortal!" Aqua objected to what really should have been the wrong part of that insult as she readied a combat stance.

The Great Ladonis rubbed his eyes in exasperation before taking his own, much more practiced stance.

"Alright, here we go! Dragon Blow!"

"God Blow!"

For once, Kazuma's life actually felt like the anime adventure that it was supposed to be, as Aqua and the Dragon somehow managed to match each other blow for blow, a series of rapid-fire, energy-charged punches that seemed to cancel each other out. It would have been so cool, if it wasn't so ridiculous.

"Kick his but, Aqua!" Megumin cheered.

"How… how are you doing this?" Ladonis asked as his fist met Aqua's yet again. "No human should be able to have the strength to match a dragon!"

"I already told you!" Aqua shouted back. "I'm! Not! Human! God Requiem!"

Aqua's right hook was charged with the power of heaven and ocean, allowing her to deliver a blow strong enough to send Ladonis stumbling back. It was kind of strange, considering how ineffective her melee attacks usually were against anything that wasn't undead. Apparently, dragons must have had worse physical resistance than giant toads, as if this world's power balance couldn't have been any more messed up. Next, it was probably going to turn out that slimes were top-tier monsters or something.

"Hmph, it seems that I underestimated you," the Great Ladonis rubbed the side of his nose, or muzzle, or whatever you call it. "Most of the adventuring parties who come here seeking the golden apples don't have what it takes but you guys… you just might be the real thing. Now, let's see how you do against my full might! Dragon Tornado!"

As if a fist-fighting dragon wasn't already absurd enough, Ladonis then proceeded to launch a flying roundhouse kick at Aqua, kicking up a windstorm as he hurled himself through the air. Fortunately for Aqua, that was also the moment that Darkness managed to catch back up to them, jumping in the way and taking the bulk of the blow. The crazy blonde skidded along the soil and roots while Aqua braced herself for Ladonis' next attack.

"Dragon Surge!" Ladonis thrust his hands out in the classic "Hadoken" pose and a blue ball of fire shot out from them. Yeah, it wasn't just the pose, this dragon was just straight-up copying Street Fighter.

Aqua was knocked flat on her rear from the blow, leaving herself open for the dragon's next attack.

"Lightning Kick!"

And that attack came in the form of a series of rapid-fire kicks too fast for the naked eye to follow, charged with electricity. Darkness just barely managed to intercept the attack before it could hit Aqua, taking dozens of hits strong enough to start denting her adamantine armor and throwing her into yet another tree.

"Light of Saber!" Yunyun used that distraction to strike Ladonis from behind, and it was only then that Kazuma realized that he and everyone else had just been standing around watching instead of actually helping with the fight. Unfortunately, the advanced magic barely seemed to scratch the dragon.

Elsie ran in with her scythe and started to hack away at Ladonis' knee, only to get kicked away. Keima and Kazuma both stood off to the sides, having seen enough to know that their attacks wouldn't serve any effect if their stronger party members couldn't do anything, and Megumin bided her time for the most dramatic moment to cast Explosion.

Kazuma spotted Aqua scrambling over to Darkness, casting a quick heal spell and whispering something to the stronger girl. Darkness nodded and stood up, before picking Aqua up and throwing her into the air.

"Take this!" Aqua yelled as she rocketed towards the dragon's face. "God Requiem!"

Aqua shot through the air, surrounded in a swirling vortex of divine might. Ladonis simply plucked her out of the air before her attack could land.

"Nice try," Ladonis said earnestly, then tossed her overhead. "Just a little too slow, though. Rising Dragon Fist!"

As if his hadoken knockoff earlier wasn't bad enough, this time the dragon delivered a fiery, jumping uppercut that was clearly just the shoryuken.

"Goddess Aqua blasting off aga~in!" she screamed as she was launched through the air until she was nothing more than a sparkling star in the sky that soon died off. Well, that was one way to get back into heaven.

Unfortunately, that meant that their party was now down their only healer while they were still up against the strongest boss monster that any of them had fought in their adventuring careers.

"Well, this is going to suck." Kazuma tightened his grip on his katana, preparing for the worst. This dragon was going to TPK them, wasn't it?

"Alright, who's next!" The Great Ladonis roared, firing a stream of flames from his mouth. "I'll take you all on!"

Darkness raised her sword defiantly in the air, pointed straight at him. She would have almost looked like some kind of noble hero if she wasn't blushing like a schoolgirl whose senpai had just pinned her to the wall. "Do whatever you want to me, foul monster, but leave my party alone! Emphasis on whatever you want."

"Not you!"


Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!


In the next exciting chapter of God's Blessing, God Knows: The Birth Of This Emperor!

The toad continued to just sit there ominously, keeping its gaze fixed on her but otherwise making no signs of trying to gobble her up for lunch like literally every giant toad that she'd come across had done the moment it spotted her. It wasn't Aqua's fault that she was such a snack.

"You maniacs!" Ladonis punched the ground in frustration. "You blew it up! Damn you! You blew it all to hell!"

"Ooh, ooh, ohh! It's hatching!" Aqua said, holding the egg up in front of her face. "My dragon egg!"

Author's Notes: I had a lot of fun writing this. As you could probably tell, this mini-arc is based on Konosuba season 2's opening, though with a lot added on to it. I find it funny that while I was writing this chapter, season 3 debuted and its opening has the gang fight a dragon just like I have them doing here. Well, not 'just like'. That dragon was certainly a lot more… conventional than The Great Ladonis. For those who didn't catch it, Ladonis' name is derived from Ladon, a dragon from Greek myth that guarded a tree of golden apples. Originally I was going to name him The Great Ladoon, but then came up with the idea of mashing Ladon with Adonis, a figure from Greek myth said to have been the peak ideal of male beauty, instead. Thus, Ladonis. His personality was also primarily inspired by Rawk Hawk, a character from Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door. Why? Because I thought it would be funny.