Half an hour later, Jack found himself sitting in her car, watching the Washington Monument which he could see from over here, as they were driving on the highway. She had offered to take him to the hotel, which seemed to be on her way home.
Her mobile phone lay at the center console. As it started vibrating, she had a short look at it and turned down the call.
Jack had been able to read the caller ID – it had said home.
A few minutes later, it rang again, this time saying Paul Raines.
"I don't mind.", Jack said, as she reached out for it again, to turn down the call.
But she switched it off, anyway. This time, she even switched the phone off completely, remarking, "I don't have a hands-free in this car."
What a stupid excuse, Jack thought. He could see it on her face, on her whole expression and in the sudden change in her behavior, that this was not about any hands-free. She obviously didn't want to take this call. The man named Paul Raines could only be her husband.
Silently he sat there, looking out of the window. This was none of his business. He swore to himself not to ask any questions about it.
"Agent Bauer?", she asked, after a while.
He turned around to her. "Call me Jack." He regretted saying that immediately, after the words had left his mouth. Wasn't she actually the higher one in the hierarchy? Had it been rude to offer that?
"Alright then, Jack.", she began again, "I don't wanna disturb you, but you have to know that I lost one of my childhood friends when she started to take drugs." It was an unpleasant topic to talk about.
"I'm sorry to hear that.", he silently answered, knowing where this was going.
"She got hooked on heroin. At first nobody noticed. Then she started telling everyone that she could handle it. She couldn't. It didn't even take two years until she died."
He answered nothing. What should he say? Something like I'll have it under control? Hell no, that was the only answer he could think of, but he knew that it was a bad one. He didn't know it by himself if he'd have it under control, if he would be in that situation one day.
"We all wanted to help her", Audrey continued, "But she turned down all our offers." It hurt to think back.
As they stopped at a red traffic light, she took a deep breath and turned her head to look at him. "The only advice that I'd like to give you is to let people help you, when you come to that point."
They looked right into each other's eyes.
"You're treating me like I was an addict already.", he remarked. It didn't feel comfortable to be treated like that.
"You said it yourself that the chances are there that you'll get in contact with drugs down there.", she added. Her eyes didn't leave his. "Feelin humiliated?"
"A little, yes."
"Imagine how you'll be feeling in half a year, after it really happened.", she carried on, "Will you let people help you to get out of it again?"
He looked into her eyes, wanting to answer, but right as he wanted to start speaking she already interrupted him –
"Or will you just tell yourself that you're strong enough to fight this on your own? To let nobody range you at the same level like all the kids out on the street with a monkey on their back?"
Judging from the things that she knew about him, she guessed that even admitting having a problem would be hard for him.
"I don't know what will be in half a year.", he silently answered. He was spellbound by her eyes. It felt like she could see right into his soul, stripping him of all the armor that he had built up in the past years. She had found a way through it, had gotten right to his core.
The honking of a car behind them ripped them out of their thoughts again.
They hadn't realized that the traffic lights had turned green meanwhile.
She continued to drive.
The silence came back.
As she already saw the hotel at the end of the road, she knew that she simply had to say it now, what had been on her mind ever since the committee hearing.
"Agent Bauer… sorry, Jack", she began, "I didn't mean to disturb you by saying all that."
"You didn't.", he tried to reassure her. "I just don't know what will be in half a year."
But they both knew that it was a lie. She had found his sore spot, the thing that was troubling him most about that mission.
"I just want you to talk to people, should you really get into that kind of problems."
Actually he wanted to say something meaningless, like I will. But the longer he thought about that, the clearer it got to him that he couldn't just talk to someone about it.
"Jack?"
She was expecting him to say it. To say I will. But it would be a big lie, he suddenly realized.
"It's not that easy, Ms. Raines.", he murmured.
"Why not?"
She was glad that they had stopped at another red traffic light, so she could catch a glimpse of him.
"CTU protocol is quite strict when it comes to that. The second they realize that I've developed a problem like that, they're gonna get me out of the Salazar environment and the mission is over."
She drove on. That really was a problem. "Okay. So you conceal it as long as the mission is still ongoing."
He had to smile as he heard those words. "So are those my official DoD orders?"
As Audrey saw him laughing, she almost had to laugh, too. "No.", she smiled back. "Officially I never said anything like that."
"And unofficially?"
She sighed. "Like I said before. Don't fight it alone. You're gonna need help when you reach that point. All those addicts out there, they don't die from using drugs. They die because they don't accept anyone's help."
As he looked out again, he saw that she had already parked the car in front of the hotel.
"Jack?"
He turned around, facing her. "Yes?"
"Promise me you'll get help. At least after the mission, when you come back."
She made him envision the possible scenarios. But he just couldn't picture himself walking into Tony's office, saying anything like listen, I've become a junkie in the past months to him. No matter who he'd talk to, CTU would eventually find out about it. It felt like he'd lose everything, by admitting that.
"They'd probably throw me out of CTU, right away.", he silently commented.
"No, they'd just suspend you for a while." But as she said that, she wasn't really sure if he wasn't right after all. Having done it for the mission was no excuse in the end. And an addict in a job like his would be a liability.
"I don't think so.", he murmured, having a look at the hotel in front of them.
Audrey saw that he was getting ready to go. She reached out for her purse and took a little sheet of paper out. "Here, that's the code for the reception. I made the reservation under my name, Raines. DoD pays the bill."
He thanked her and took it.
Right as he was getting ready to open the door, she called him back. "Jack?"
"Yes?" He turned back to her.
"You're not gonna talk to anyone, am I right?", she hesitatingly asked.
"I don't know what will be in half a year.", he answered. "I wouldn't want anyone at CTU to know." And besides CTU, there was nobody else in his life. He didn't want Kate to know. Judging from how bad their relationship had already become during the past weeks, he guessed that she'd not be part of his life anymore in half a year. He didn't want Kim to know. She was the very last person on earth who he'd want to know about that. But there was nobody else.
Audrey took one of her business cards out of her purse. "Here."
He took the card out of her hand. Audrey Raines, Department of Defense, it said.
"I do understand you, Jack", she silently began, "I don't know why you volunteered for this mission – and to be honest, I would never ever volunteer to go where you're going. I can relate that you wouldn't want anyone at CTU or anyone of your friends to know about it, if you really have to go down that road.", she took a deep breath, "But at least call this number."
It was her number.
"Calling the boss of the boss of my boss?", he derogatorily smiled.
"I'm not anyone's boss. I'm only an advisor to a committee.", she explained, "And I have a secure line."
In the end, he took her card and put it into his pocket, getting himself ready to go. "Thank you for your offer, Ms. Raines.", he told her, as he grabbed his bag.
"Audrey.", she added.
He had already opened up the door, as he turned back once more. "So… thanks, Audrey."
She saw that certain sadness in his eyes. Probably, their conversation had made him think about things in a different way.
"You're not gonna call, are you, Jack?", she asked, as he got out of the car.
He stood there, his bag in one hand, having grabbed the door of the car with the other. Once more, he bent down, looking inside the car.
His eyes found hers. "I don't know what will be in half a year.", he said once more, hoping that she'd understand it.
"Let's hope for the best.", she answered, after quite a while. "Goodbye, Jack."
He gave her a last smile. "Goodbye, Audrey. Thanks for everything."
As he watched her drive away, the things that she'd said wouldn't let go of him. These few thoughts occupied his whole mind, putting awful pictures into his brain, of how bad this mission could really end.
He had never really thought it through, until that end.
Even getting killed had been on his possible list of outcomes.
But getting home in half a year, being hooked on drugs… probably he had pushed it out of his thoughts, the whole time, not allowing him to give himself a reason why this mission was a bad idea.
He grabbed his bag and went inside, still hearing her words over and over again: You're not gonna call, are you, Jack? Again, she had gotten right to his core. Of course, he wouldn't call her.
.
.
