Chapter 6 – Above the Deep Dark Waters

"You're on speaker now"

Carlisle informed as both me and him sat on the couch in order to better understand the developments from Italy, the tense conversation from moments ago seeming like a distant daydream. But it mattered not. This was what we were here for – to find our family and bring them home; no matter the consequences.

"Good, then I will proceed" I heard Zafrina say from the other end of the line "As I was telling you, we were walking around the Basilica for the hundredth time and suddenly Embry noticed an old bust of the roman god Janus in an off limits part of the church. I thought to myself I must have been blind not to notice it but as they say two eyes are better than one, right? Nevertheless, we approached the sculpture that probably dated back to the Golden Age of the roman empire, first century b. C at least, and the more we looked at it the more it didn't fit the place we were at. What was a roman god and sculpture of that value doing in a Catholic church and not protected at all? We observed it quite carefully and then I noticed a name inscribed on it; Alice. But she left no message for us to follow or know what she meant, so I'm not quite sure any of this information helps" She finished retelling, disappointing apparent in her voice. I could not say I did not feel the same way. Another cryptic clue. What are we to do with this information?

"Actually, it helps more than what you can imagine" Murmured thoughtfully Carlisle, surprising us all. I looked at him directly, my expression inquiring.

"What do you mean?" Questioned Zafrina.

"Well, we already know Alice doesn't do anything without a reason and if we think about who Janus was in roman mythology, perhaps, that in itself is a clue"

"Go on" Zafrina encouraged, curiosity apparent in her voice, mirroring my own as his words filled me with newfound hope. Perhaps, not all was lost after all.

"As you know, Janus was the roman god of beginnings, transitions, time, duality, passages and endings. He is always represented with two heads. In ancient times, he also personified the beginning and ending of war" Carlisle explained in order to make us understand his logic "With this knowledge, I think, perhaps, if there is a first statue then there must be-"

"A second one" I completed, realizing where he as getting at, astonished.

"So, you think there is a second bust in... Denmark?" Zafrina inquired, not seeming too convinced about it.

"Yes, at least that is what is making sense to me at the moment" Replied Carlisle, a drop of hope melting in his eyes with the thought of becoming closer to finding his family.

"But, then why not explain that in the first riddle? What game is she playing?" Continued to question Zafrina, still not in the least persuaded.

"You are asking me questions that I do not know the answers to, but I do believe that there is still many things we don't know about this situation"

"But what if it isn't even her that is leaving us the clues?" At hearing these words Carlisle seemed to freeze, not believing she had truly suggested what she did and it saddened me to admit I had already thought the same things as Zafrina, I just… did not want to believe them.

"What are you implying?"His voice was hoarse, so much so that he looked even more pale than before, if that was even possible for a vampire.

"Exactly that; what if it is the Volturi leaving us this cryptic clues in order to make us chase our own tails while they proceed with their plans?"

"No… I would have understood that; it was her hand writing"

"But what if I wasn't? Carlisle, I-" Zafrina hesitated, her voice seeming to control a lot of anger and sadness, as a hint of vulnerability transpired through it "I know you don't want to hear this, believe meI myself do not wish to either, but if things don't move along for another month I'm giving up on the whole thing for good. I'm tired of chasing ghosts and, dare I say it, it is perhaps time for all of us to properly grieve our losses and move on"

The hard truth in her words left us in complete silence, making it linger for a few seconds until Carlisle broke it.

"You know I can't do that; not until I see their bodies with my own eyes" His features seemed to darken as he said those words and the weight in them. He wanted to fulfill his duty it seemed, but to what end? Even I had to admit his persistence was strange, after all it was not his fault that all of this happened but he seemed to carry that guilt with him completely. He could not hide the vulnerability in his features from me, I had seen it, the guilt, the pain, and he knew it, I could see the shame in his eyes. I just wondered how had I never noticed it before? Even after our previous conversation… he felt guilty about the Volturi attack, but why?

"I know… but still my decision remains the same; until the end of the month and then…"

"And then you will leave, but, who am I to stop you? You have been a great friend to me and I don't think I could ever repay you for that kindness" He replied as if that moment of pure vulnerability never happened, breaking into a small smile as if everything was alright in the world; as if he was alright.

"You already did by being such a good friend yourself"

"You flatter me too much" He said with a small chuckle "But, aside from that, have you discovered nothing else?"

"Well, only that the bust was hidden in an amply room with nothing inside of it, no paintings on the walls, no decorations whatsoever" She informed "Me and Embry decided to take another look at it tomorrow, but I confess it does not look promising"

"Very well; we will starting looking for the second bust here in the meantime"

"Alright, but, Carlisle..., do not have much hope" Zafrina warned with a small sight, worry for him palpable in her voice.

"You do not need to concern yourself with me" He murmured softly, his eyes diving to the floor as he bit his lip.

"And yet I always do" She said with another tired sigh "Talk soon"

"Goodbye"

For a few minutes we just stood there, thinking about what had just happened. I had never seen him in such state, so vulnerable, so honest, so raw, that I confess I wasn't ready do deal with it all, it took me completely by surprise and now more than ever I only wanted to understand him and comfort him. Make those troubles go away like he did for me. As such, I walked a few steps closer to where he was, placing a compassionate hand on his should as I tried to look into his eyes, his gaze remaining on the floor.

"I won't give up searching…, even if they do" I informed him so he knew he wasn't alone. He had to know that I was with him, that I would support him through everything just like he did with me "I won't leave you to face it all alone"

My statement made his eyes finally drift from the floor to my features but what I found was everything but what I expected. He seemed repulsed by my words, almost as if I had just confessed to a mass murder, which, I dare say was not my intent.

"But you should" Were his words as he took a step away from me.

"What are you even saying?" I tried to argue, still quite in shock "Weren't you the one saying that we are family and that family supports one another?" I inquired extremely confused and to be honest a bit hurt by his response. After all, were his words just that – words?

"This is different. You have lived your whole life for other people, taking care of them, fixing them, but you don't have to that for me, I'm… setting you free"

"What?! No, I haven't!" said I defensively as I felt myself starting to boil with the subject he that just tackled. I did not want to deal with at the moment, with those feelings, with some of that truth, with the anger and he should have known better than to stoop so low "And even if I had it is none of your business how I choose to live my life! You know nothing, okay? Nothing!"

"I know enough to understand when you are making a mistake. You are trying to fix something that is just broken" He confessed, hurting me even more, I just could not believe what he was saying for it did not sound anything like him. Furthermore, I had no idea what he was talking about. What part of him was just so broken that it was unfixable? "I am not my son, you don't have to try to save me like you did with him"

If the previous words weren't enough to break me, these for sure did do the trick. He felt so out of control that I did not recognize him anymore, and I did not know if I would like to. Still, I felt compelled to make him understand, just like he did once for me when I was the one hurting and vulnerable.

I took a brave step forward in his direction.

"No… you are not Edward" I murmured, my voice more controlled than before, though still with a drop of pain from the name I was forced to utter "And I'm not trying to fix you. I'm trying to help you, to be there for you because you're-"

"Don't. Just… don't" He cut, his voice in agony as if what I was saying was hurting him even more. It hurt me too.

"Why…?"

"I'm not him" He repeated, his voice lower as he took another step away from me. I felt myself shrinking more and more with the words I was hearing not knowing what to say and what to do to make that situation any better. It was beyond my ability.

"But-"

"I'm not him!" He shouted, frantic, this time, repeating the words that hurt the two of us like sharp edges of a knife "I do not deserve your sympathy, Bella" He articulated the words, half to convince me, half to convince himself it seemed.

"Are you even listening to yourself? You sound like me a month ago!" I tried to reason with him, in the hopes that he would listen, that he would come back. Just a few minutes ago he was my most trusted friend, the only person that truly understood me, accepted me and now… now he seemed like a complete stranger. I had never seen him in such a state "The Carlisle I know would never say such things…" Was my last plead. Hearing these last words, he looked at me straight in the eyes and with a hard, broken expression he uttered with certainty the next words.

"That is just the thing… you do not know me, Bella"

In those moments I felt as if I was suddenly unable to breathe, which I knew was physically impossible, but the sensation was altogether the same. Like a tsunami was about to take me away forever, its untamed waters breaking the only thing that seemed stable in my life for the past couple of months. And the worst part of it all was… that he was right. I felt like so because he was right. I did not know him. Any of them for that matter and still I made the decisions that I made because I was just…

Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

No, I did not want to deal with this. I could not deal with this. No.

The only thing that I knew at the moment was that I needed to get of there, of that room, of this hotel, and be anywhere but where I stood. I just couldn't… I… I couldn't deal with all of this at the same time. Not in his presence but alone. I rushed to grab my bag and as I did so I almost spit out the words.

"You're right… perhaps, I really do not know you at all…" I uttered, glancing at him one last time despite the vulnerability in my eyes "I apologize, I will not bring this up again" I promised turning to the door, opening it and without looking back at him informed him of my decision "Oh, and our deal is off; I do not want to burden you with my problems any longer"

For hours I wondered the streets of Copenhagen adrift, trying and failing not to think about everything. About Carlisle. About the cruel truth in his words. My heart seemed like it was about to break into a million pieces once more and I did not if I would survive this time. It was all too much. Alice and Benjamin. The Volturi. Carlisle. Charlie. My grief. My life. My decisions.

I finally stopped in the middle of Marmorbroen Bridge, gazing over the edge to the peaceful water bellow. Looking at this view it all seemed so simple. If only life was the same. I sighed and with a deep breath I decided it was finally time to face my demons, once and for all.

Carlisle was right. I was a fixer. I did not know how to be any different since birth. And because of that I was in the situation that I was in. A vampire. I had never admitted it before but it was not as glorious as I initially thought it to be. In fact, I regretted it. Deep down I already knew this but… I had never admitted it to myself. And yes… I did see Edward as my salvation boat. Without him there was no world for me and that… that was not right. But he was my fantasy, he was the one coming to save me from my life, he was the one that truly loved me and for that I was grateful. So what if by being with him I was putting my life in danger? So what if I was leaving my true family? So what if he was controlling? So what if he stalked me for a while? So what if he was a killer? So what…? He was giving me what I craved most – love, a home, a purpose.

Before him I had nothing. But the truth was… I still felt empty. So I lied. I lied to him. I lied to everyone. I lied to myself. I kept playing into the fantasy. The girlfriend. The wife. The mother. But still, deep down, I was the same broken human I was before I meet him. He did not fix me and I could never fix him either. It wasn't love. It was an obsession. An escape from my life. A way for me to tell that voice inside of me that 'look, I matter, this being choose me, he wants me, someone out there cares about me, I'm not just… there when needed'.

And I knew the reason I felt these horrible things. I knew it but it was a matter for another evening. I wasn't ready to go there just yet. Although, something did change in me that very night. For the first time since a long time, my grief became a little bit smaller. I still did not have answers to fix my problem, to fix my need for a fantasy, for a knight in shinning armor, but at least I was ready to admit that there was a problem to be fixed deep inside of me, a wound that cut much deeper than I ever thought possible. Truth be told, I did not know if I would ever be able to heal but I was at least open to the idea of trying.

With that thought in mind, I took off both my engagement ring and my wedding ring from their respective fingers. I looked at them for little while longer and with a deep breath threw them into the dark waters of the Frederiksholms Canal, never to be seen again. As I did so, I felt strangely lighter, as if a humongous weight had been taken of my shoulders. I took a deep breath in and then out slowly. I could not believe I had just done that.

Suddenly, I heard familiar hesitant footsteps approaching where I was standing. I sighed deeply, closing my eyes for just a few seconds before turning around to face him once. In truth, I did not know if I could handle another conversation with him this very evening but, alas, it seemed I did not have much of a choice.

"Beautiful evening, is it not…?" He tried to approach, his voice uncertain. I opened my eyes lightly, my gaze still in the water.

"Are you really trying to make small talk right now?"

"No… you're right" He admitted as he suddenly took my hand in his, making me look at him. His expression was much calmer than before, his eyes comprehensive and apologetic. Noticing this difference in him I was able to relax a bit. At least he wasn't looking for another fight "Bella, there is no excuse to my behavior earlier. I deeply apologize. I should never have said those things to you"

"Some of it was the truth"

"Still, it was cruel of me to speak those things, especially about how you should live your life. Forgive me, it was out of line and, as you stated yourself, none of my business. I shouldn't have taken my frustrations on you, that is not what family does" I was touched by his words and knew his apology to be sincere but after he mentioned the word family the pain came back, the realization that I had moments ago stinging me. I took my hand away from his as well as my gaze, placing it on the canal.

"But you were right. We are not family, not really anyway" I expressed matter-of-factually, without much emotion at all, showing my emptiness.

"Yes… perhaps we are not family but I would like to think that we are… friends"

"Aren't friends supposed to know one another? You were right about that too… we don't know much about each other"

"That may be… but still I would like to start over and get to know you, the real you" With those words I had to look at him. He was agreeing with everything I was saying but still willing, no, wishing, to have some sort of relationship with me. And although that pleased me greatly, there was one thing I was not willing to compromise again.

"And would you do the same for me? Show me the real you?"

"Yes" He said without hesitation which surprised me, to say the least. I was completely intrigued.

"Why the change of heart?"

"I lost control today, with you… because I did not take my own advice" He admitted looking down for the first time, lost in his thoughts, regret filling his face "I kept everything inside, dealing with it myself despite your kind words of support, and when you were there again, showing me what I craved must I lost it. I did not want to hurt you, to burden you, but… I ended up doing just that. I hurt you and I broke your trust, after everything I said beforehand. I don't want to make the same mistake again. Could you ever forgive me, start over?"

With an apology like that I could I refuse? He was finally being honest, more honest that I ever thought him capable. Perhaps, something had truly changed tonight. If it was for the better or worse, one would still have to find out. But for the moment, I was glad to take a leap of faith on the matter because truth be told, I did not wish to lose this either. Whatever this was. Family. Friendship. It did not matter.

"Maybe… on one condition" I teased.

"Anything" He agreed promptly, his gaze still quite serious and determined to win me over. Shame he did not know he already had.

"Will you finally show me that secret sketchbook of yours that you have been keeping for the past month?" He seemed slightly surprised and embarrassed by my request but ended up reluctantly agreeing.

"Consider it done"

"Then I suppose we have ourselves a deal" I agreed with a small smile.

He suddenly gave a few steps back and very formally bowed to me as he extended his for light hand shake.

"Good evening, miss, I'm Carlisle Cullen. What would your name be, if I might ask?"

"Isabella Swan" I giggled lightly at the formality and silliness of it all but went along with the charade.

"I am delighted to make your acquaintance, Miss Swan" He expressed without a hint of pretense in his voice as he kissed my hand. Behind his light smile there was a complete sincerity in his eyes. As he kissed my hand there was the realization in his features that my most precious jewelry were not there anymore. A slight shock was apparent on his features but I continued our little charade as if nothing had happened.

"And I yours"

Author's Note: Dear sweet readers, I apologize for not posting for so long but I was really busy with Art School and just did not have the time to write! So if you are still reading, thank you so much! A smaller chapter than normal this time as I felt too much happened especially emotionally for more, ahah. Again, thank you so much for your lovely reviews, follows and favourites, they mean alot! See you on the next one and I hope you enjoyed chapter 6!