Chapter 9 – The Artist and the Blue Dress

The lights from the reception that illuminated the backyard started to fade away one by one as the guests headed home after waving a final goodbye to the newlyweds. My dad and Sue were heading to Maine for their honeymoon and as such it would probably be the last time I saw them. I tried to keep my smile up but after the day I just had it was almost impossible.

At last by 9 pm only me and Carlisle remained in the house after we said our goodbyes to Seth and Embry as both wanted to know everything that had happened in their absence. It was nice to catch up with them but it also reminded me of how much work we still had ahead of us, although, for tonight it seemed Carlisle wouldn't hear any of it.

He led me through the woods at the back of the house and told me to wait a few minutes. I did as told and in no time he was back with all of his equipment. An easel was placed on the grass and on top of it sat a very large linen canvas already prepped. Two stools surrounded it, one for him to sit down and another for his paints, brushes, mediums and other materials. He also brought a large light and placed it next to a tree nearby. He instructed me to lay down on it's enormous branches and for a while he just posed me like one would do with a doll, fixing my hair, telling me to look in a certain direction and to be as relaxed as I possibly could. Than he adjusted his lighting again and moved back to the canvas. When he was satisfied with the result the told be to just be very still and started to do the under-painting.

Minutes went by and he was still at it, as concentrated as I had never seen him before. The silence lingered around us but it mattered not; there was a comfort in it that I desperately needed. I had spent the day pretending that everything was alright when it was not at all and being here like this, where being myself was enough, where being bare was enough, it did give me a little bit of peace even it was quite brief.

The scent of oil and turpentine surrounded me, consumed me and I simply let myself go, wishing that such a moment would never end.

"Do you need to take a break?"

"No, I can take it a little while longer" I answered to his gentle request as I wet my lips lightly, my gaze away from where he stood "I'm fine"

"Are you?" He insisted, his voice showing the first signs of concern.

"Do you really care to know…?" I questioned with a heavy sigh, showing my true emotions to someone for the first time in days.

He placed his brush down, took his apron off and walked to where I was lying. He sat in the grass right in front of me as I changed the position of my body to a more comfortable one.

"I care about you… so, yes" His eyes were gentle as he said these words, taking one of my hands into his, making calming circles with his thumb around my palm. This kind gesture of his would have made me cry if I could as I felt a sudden vulnerability hitting me, washing over me like a big aggressive wave. I took a deep breath.

"I'm so exhausted, Carlisle, so, so exhausted. I have been pretending for days that I'm fine for my dad's sake but all of this is just… not; It's too much, being back in Forks with all of the memories from the past, plus the reminder that everyone is moving on, the sad realization that my only goal in life is to reach death, the reality that my own choices robbed me of my life and then…, then I think: what life? What life am I even mourning? The life where I was good for nothing? The life where I had no ambitions, no goals, no passions… that was why I was so enchanted by the life of a vampire in the first place, being someone's reason to live… at least then I was worth something more than nothing"

After this confession my hands started to shake, the emotions of what I had just said flowing through me. I desperately wanted to cry but this body wouldn't let me, as such I did not know what to do, how to release these feelings.

I felt his hand move from my hand to my cheek, caressing it gently, molding his hand to my features as he dared me to look into his eyes. They were serious, determined and most of all: honest.

"You are worth everything, Bella, everything" His intensity and words caught me off guard and as such I could not look away from him "Just by being yourself; you have nothing to prove to anyone"

"You don't know what you are saying; you still do not know me very well" I reminded him.

"I know enough to know so" He persisted "And in truth I did not need to because everyone has place in this world and that includes you"

"I don't know…"

"Bella, I do not know who or what made you think you weren't good enough but it is not true; now, I cannot make you see the beauty that lives inside of you but I can keep trying to show you" As he uttered these words, he took my hand and placed it on his chest where his heart should have been beating "You are helping to mend this: my heart; and believe me that is no easy feat" He declared with a tender smile, though his eyes remained quite serious.

"You are giving me way too much credit" I said although still grateful for his kind words.

"And you don't give yourself enough"

"Let's just agree to disagree on this one" I pleaded not wishing to hear more kind words that I simply did not believe.

"Alright; for now at least" He agreed, letting go of my cheek "On one condition"

"Which is?"

"You will answer me one question"

"Just one?" I questioned suspicious with yet another deal coming from him. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"Just one" He confirmed sheepishly.

"Fine, what is your question?"I asked with a big sigh of defeat not sure if I would be ready for it.

"You mentioned that you did not have any passions in your humans days, why was that? Were you never curious or interested in anything?"

And I as suspected his question was a difficult one, so much so that it was even hard for me to be completely honest with myself on the matter. Perhaps because deep down I knew the reason but… it just hurt too much to admit it even to myself.

"No… I…, in all honesty, I was just too busy worrying and taking care of everyone else to think about such things"

"By everyone do you mean… your parents?"He ventured to ask, knowing he was about to swim in dangerous waters but still I did not blame him or get angry. He was no Jessica Stanley with her bad intentions, he was Carlisle, my most trusted friend and I knew deep down he just wanted to make sure I was alright, so I decided once more to keep my promise and be truthful with him.

"Yes…"

"I see…" Were his only words. I sensed that he wanted to know more but decided in that moment that he wasn't going to press me about it "What about now? Do you not wish to find out what is it that you love to do?"

In truth, there was nothing more I wanted than to find out what my passions truly were. Especially after seeing him work on his art, hearing him talk about it, listening to the passion in his voice, the sparkle in his eyes when he talked about what he loved most. I wanted that for myself with all my heart. So, my natural answer would have been a big yes. But, I knew there was much more important things for us to worry about, to spend our time doing.

"Carlisle, you know we just don't have the time for such things; what about our search?"

"We can make time, this is important for you" He insisted, noticing a slight excitement in my eyes that I could not hide from him.

"Not as important as Alice and Benjamin"

"Yes, it is"

"I don't think so"

"We will find the time, I will make sure of it" He guarantied, an unshakable determination on his features as he placed his hand on top of mine once more.

"Then you are already more invested than me" I gave in, not having the strength to deny my wishes any longer, although, I was not quite ready to admit how truly happy this words made me. It felt good knowing that he cared, truly cared. His touch solidified this for me, it calmed me and for one second I believed that he could be right. That there was truly something out there that I would truly love, that completed me so.

"I don't mind that; as long as I can see you truly smile once again that is enough for me" He admitted, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Like this?" I asked, making the silliest of smiles in order to change the mood that persisted around us as I did not know what to think of it or how to deal with it.

"No… I shall tell you when I see it" He said with a small chuckle "But good try"

"I had a lot of practice" I stated with a gentle smile.

"But you shouldn't" He expressed, a seriousness returning to his eyes "That is exactly why we are going this"

We stayed like so for a couple of minutes and I had to admit this moments of silence were becoming more and more frequent between us and I did not mean for them to happen but it was just… when he looked at me in that way, with those eyes that saw all, that loved all, the words that I wished to say just sat on my throat and refused to come out. But I had to wake up from this daze. It was just a dream. Nothing more than a dream.

"Well, break is over; you should go back to your paints and brushes and things" I stated, breaking the silence for the first time in minutes. He seemed to wake up from the same dream, looking surprised at the words the cut sharply through our silence.

"Are you sure?"

"Quite sure; go" I reassured him, kissing his cheek quickly in order to make him understand that I was feeling at least a bit better after our conversation, encouraging him to proceed with his work "Go, go, go!" I insisted when he did not move.

He finally got up and walked once more towards his easel. And for a few more hours he painted me in my blue dress against the green scenery of Forks that surrounded us. Having such an amount of time tangled in the silence I had much time to think about his previous words. Had we made the ultimate mistake? Did we let ourselves go that far?

I feared it, feared the feelings the grew in the shadows. I knew now that I allowed myself to care about him too much and felt that he made the same mistake also. I could sense it in his eyes, in his words, in the way that he touched me. A true friendship had grown between us, a bond that should not be broken as it would kill us both inside. And yet… my choice was made, I had to leave this world. I wouldn't change my mind on the matter; it was the right decision. But I began to wonder how would I ever be able to depart from him, to make him suffer again with the selfishness of my acts? Would I leave him to face the rest of his remaining days alone until nothing but dust was left in this world?

But he won't be alone, a voice inside my head stated, if you're successful he will have a part of his family back and he won't need you anymore.

"Bella?"

"Yeah?" I whispered, his voice plugging me from my thoughts.

"Where is your mind at the moment?" He questioned, his voice gentle yet sprinkled with concern. I noticed he had put his paintbrush down and just sat in a relaxed position in front of his canvas, his gaze on my features.

"Here" I tried to lie, my eyes not daring to meet his as I knew they would betray my words.

"I doubt it" He stated, not being fooled by my pathetic lies. As he said the words, he got up from his stool and walked towards me, taking his apron in the process "I have finished for the night; the sun is starting to rise" Hearing his words I also stood up quickly, a slight excitement starting to grow inside of me at the prospect of seeing a finished painting of his, even if it was of my face.

"Can I see it then?" To my question and enthusiasm he could not help but to chuckle, a smirking starting to bloom on his lips.

"No, not a chance"

"You're no fun; I sat for you all night and this is my reward?" I said with a playful smile also dancing on my lips as I crossed my arms, faking annoyance.

"It is not yet ready for seeing and besides your reward will come soon enough"

"Oh, so there is a reward after all" I teased not really believing he had an actually reward for me.

But I seemed to be wrong because, with a heavy sigh and still with a smile on his lips, he walked back to where he left his tuxedo jacket and started to take something from one of it's pockets. He came back to where I stood with a white peace of paper on his hands.

"I had planned to do this later but it seems you're too eager to wait that long" He explained as he extended the paper to me.

Confused I took it and started to read. It was details from his jet; he seemed to be traveling again. I almost stopped reading to tell him that I already knew that we were going back to Denmark in two days time but then the destination caught my attention and my eyes just widened.

"Provence?"

"I had time to consider it and I think I'm ready to take you there" He admitted as I tried to hide my smile from him. I was happy, actually, more than happy but I also knew that what he was suggesting was not possible. We had duties to attend to.

"But what about Denmark, what about our search?" I questioned him in an attempt to bring his head back from the clouds. To this he gave a small but heavy sigh and it was then I knew that the thought had crossed his mind about Alice and Benjamin but the determined look in his eyes also told me that there seemed to be something of bigger importance than that, something more pressing.

"Bella, I'm going to be very blunt here; we have been stuck for months looking for that bust. It is not frustrated and tired that we are going to find it"

"Our down time was supposed to be now, these two weeks in Forks" I insisted, even though I wanted so desperately to go but I could not help but to think while we were having fun in Provence that our friends were being tortured or worse.

"It is not enough and besides, can you in all honesty tell me that you had any rest these past few weeks?" I could not deny the truth in his words. Rest was not a word I would use to describe the two weeks that passed but still I could not deny that I felt guilty in taking a break from the search.

"No, but that is not the point-"

"Ha! That was all I needed to hear. We are going" He declared, interrupting what I was about to say and it was in that moment that I understood that it would be useless to continue this discussion. And deep down I knew that I had already given in, after all, curious did not begin to cover how I felt about finally seeing his paintings "Unless you wish to go somewhere else alone; I could arrange that as well" He added, seeming lightly frustrated for not having thought of the possibility he laid before me beforehand which showed he had absolutely no idea how much I wanted to see his art pieces in the first place.

Taking a step closer to him, I took his hands into mine in a reassuring way. He ought to know how much it meant to me that he had chosen me, of all people, to share such an intimate thing with.

"No, I want to go to Provence with you, you know I do, it's just that… I'm worried"

"Don't be; everything will work itself out" He reassured me, lightly squeezing my hands, a satisfied and relieved smile dancing on his lips.

"I still cannot believe you changed your mind" I stated returning his smile "Thank you…" And I meant it. So much so that without thinking much about what I was doing I pulled him for a light embrace.

"You are most welcome" He said as I felt his arms around me, his hands moving freely on my bare back making me once again quiver with the touch "I'm glad I could make you happy" As he said these words he pulled back a little in order to look me in eyes although his hands still lingered on my body "I just wish you could also change your mind"

I knew exactly what he was talking about, after all, it was part of our deal but it hurt me to think or even talk about it. The thoughts from before haunted my mind but still, still I could not change my decision. I did not want to. So, all I mustered to say was the truth.

"I… I don't want to hurt you"

"Me? That is not what I'm asking of you, Bella" He stated, clearly confused by my words, one of his hands brushing my cheek, sincerity and determination melting from his golden eyes "You shouldn't want to stay for me but for yourself"

Even I could not deny that he was right and his selfless and kind words ended up melting my heart slightly. Once more he made me feel like being me was actually just enough. That living for myself was more than enough. Something I had never considered before. Something that had never crossed my mind, that I never heard previously. But his words did make it just slightly real. And for that I was more than grateful.

"Thank you…"

Was all I mustered to say and it felt wrong. I wanted to say more, to do more, to show him what I felt deep inside, how grateful I actually was but nothing seemed quite good enough. A simple thank you did not encompass the magnitude of my gratitude and of how glad I was to have him in my life. I wished I knew how to tell him all of these things but I was at a loss.

While all of this confusing thoughts ran across my head I did not notice how close we actually were to each other, my hand resting on his chest, pulling on his shirt slightly, our faces inches from each other. Good heavens if that was what I did when I was deep in thought then there was something seriously wrong with me.

Embarrassed I let him go, taking a few steps back as I cleared my throat, mentality reprimanding myself before I had the courage to speak again. How stupid could I be? I did not want him to get the wrong idea. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Hum, sorry about that but we should get going anyway; we have a jet to get to" I said all of these words rather quickly and continued without missing a single beat "I still have to tidy the house beforehand but it shouldn't take long; I will be able to meet you in the airport at around eight so don't worry. Okay, thanks, I will see you later, bye!"

I ran in vampire speed back to the house without looking once back in his direction. I was so embarrassed that I was grateful I had a couple of hours to compose myself and think of an excuse for my behavior moments ago. The problem was… I had no excuse. I didn't even know what happened. Actually, I did not even want to begin to know. I knew I liked Carlisle but it was just as a friend right? Nothing more, right? No, of course, not, that would be absurd. And wrong. Very wrong. But I had nothing to worry about, he was just a good friend. Yes, that was it. And good friends enjoyed a hug or two right? It is a normal thing that friends do and as such I had nothing to be embarrassed for. Yes, quite right.

I continued to convince myself of such things as I cleaned the house and made all of arrangements that my dad had left for me to do. And when it was close to 8 am and after I had just taken a much deserved shower I was already feeling much better about the whole incident and told myself I had just overreacted to something completely normal and minor and had left poor Carlisle probably feeling quite confused. Still, I decided not to bring up the subject unless he did so. It was better to just forget the whole thing altogether, if possible.

I arrived at the airport at the exactly the right time and made my way to the jet with only a small carry-on bag as luggage. When I entered the jet, he was already inside waiting for me. He gestured for me to sit down next to him and I did so. We made small talked for less than two minutes and than decided that silence perhaps was indeed the better option.

With a nervous sigh, I took from the interior of my shoulder bag the danish book that Carlisle had given me months ago. I read throughout the whole of the journey, reaching the devastating end of the story. As I closed the book after reading the last sentence I had goosebumps all over my body, my heart felt frozen, scared, broken.

The queen's lover, the light of her life, had been decapitated in the public square and she had been exiled from Denmark never to see her children again. She died shortly after of scarlet fever or, as some think, of a broken heart. Such was the story of Caroline Mathilde.

A complete tragedy.

Author's note: Sweet readers, thank you so much for taking the time to read chapter 9, a bit of a milestone chapter for me since I have never written a story with more than 9 chapters on this platform. Thank you again for the lovely reviews, follows and favorites and I do hope to see you on the next one!