Chapter 10 – Somewhere Only We Know
The minute I stepped foot in Provence I was immediately captivated my the beauty of it's architecture and the enchanting scent of it's extensive lavender fields. It appeared to be something that existed only in fairytales and as such I was already quite grateful to have made the journey to such a magical place.
For about three hours we drove from the airport to Carlisle's mysterious château, the summer heat warming my ice cold skin, reminding me of the joys of being human. I felt strangely at peace in this place, where even the simplest things seemed to matter. The scent of lavender, the sun, the breeze, Somewhere Only We Know playing on the radio.
As I felt this sense of peace I thought to myself how silly I had been for the past few hours and decided to leave my awkwardness and embarrassment behind. I could have been properly enjoying the journey to the château with one of my best friends by my side but no, I had been silent the whole time and because of what? I had done nothing wrong and me and Carlisle were just friends so what was I so scared of? As such, I decided to put all of that behind me and just enjoy Provence while I could, it would be stupid of me not to and frankly I just wanted by friend back, to go back to our humored conversations and have some much deserved fun.
We arrived at the château at about 4 pm at. It's location was miles way from any cities or villages, completely isolated but it looked absolutely amazing nonetheless, it's beauty was quite striking, seeming to have just leaped out of the pages of a gothic novel. It was clearly built in the 18th century, the architecture a blend of classical roman with traditional french touches something called the french classicism in art history, a bit out of fashion for the time but still beautiful, with it's big windows and Italian facades, the roof adorned of blue tiles. A balcony set on the base of four corinthian columns composed the front entrance to the château. Behind it remained a big but simple wooden door that was surrounded my a small rounded staircase. And, although, the building must have been the image of opulence in this day, in the present it was dusty, old and in need of some repairs. The house looked as if it had been abandoned for centuries, vines and various plants covering it's exterior walls, the fields that surrounded the château, once probably luxurious and full of lavender, where now nothing but a piece of untamed woods. We almost couldn't access the house because of all the greenery that covered the paths and as we both got out of the car I could not help but to ask.
"When was the last time you came here?"
"1768"
And with that not so surprising statement he lead me to the interior of the house. The scent of dust and mold was all over but I could not deny how gorgeous it looked. The interior was completely done with the rococo style in mind making me feel like I had just stepped back in time, to a simpler life perhaps. Still enchanted with everything I saw, I let him lead me through the ghostly corridors as he gave me a complete tour of château. We walked past the music room, the study, the library and the west wing rooms. He told me to choose the one I liked best out of these and then to tell him so arrangements could be made. We proceeded to the lower rooms, the servants quarters and the kitchen. Even lower than do those was a small modest chapel with a door that gave access to the gardens.
As I stepped outside and walked through the overgrown grass and plants, the warmth of the sun hitting my features, the freeing sound of the birds all around, I could not help but to smile, probably the silliest of smiles, one that I would have been embarrassed to show to anyone but in that moment I did not care for such things. For the first time in a long time I felt good, I felt home. Truly home.
I took my sandals off, feeling the grass against my bare feet and walked towards an old lemon tree that rested nearby. I touched it's trunk, breathed deeply in and lightly closed my eyes wishing that such a moment would never end.
"So… do you like it?"
His unsure voice plugged me from my thoughts and almost made me laugh out loud. He would have to be blind not to notice how I much I liked this place. But than again, we hadn't spoken much and in this moment he could not see my joyous expression as I stood with my back turned to him, a few steps forward.
Not able to refrain a small chuckle, I turned around to face him. His expression was worried and a bit too serious, especially compared to what I was feeling at the moment. But I could not help but to feel that I had created that. As such, I walked closer to where he stood and with the most honest of smiles I reassured him.
"I love it" And I meant.
This seemed to ease him, his features relaxing slowly, a shy smile daring to bloom from his lips.
"Good, I'm glad"
I gestured for him to walk with me through the fields while the sun began to set. We reached the lemon tree and I decided to sit under it's shade.
"How come you have never came back to this place?" I asked, unsure if I would have had the courage to leave it, especially for so long. He sat down next to me with a sigh, our gazes on the beautiful horizon of trees, fields and little rivers.
"It just did not feel right to come back"
"Why not?"
"It was for a long time a part of my life that I wished remained buried, it was the embodiment of one of my biggest failures"
"Is that why you left?"
"Yes and then when I became a father and a husband I had to be a strong figure for them, a pillar in the family. I could not show weakness of any kind, or that I was less than perfect. I always had to know the answer to most problems and be the voice of wisdom"
Listening to those words I could not help but to look at him now. His gaze was still on the horizon, unaware that I searched his features. His expression although resolute seemed broken and guilty like something as heavy as the entire world rested on his shoulders. I had seen this before. He always had that look upon his face when he mentioned his family and the sacrifices he had made for them. Also when he told me my life was his responsibility. And as such I could not take seeing him like so.
"But that is just setting yourself up for failure and unhappiness; nobody can that perfect, I know that now"
"Indeed, that is why I never told them about this part of my life" He insisted, his features darkening even more.
"That is sad actually… that they never got a chance to know you, the real you" I commented, voicing out loud my thoughts because I was sure that if they did know the real Carlisle they would have loved him nevertheless. Perhaps, even more than they already did. I for sure like this version of him much better.
"It is…"
"But you know what it sadder? The fact that you thought you had to be perfect to be loved" He turned his gaze towards me now, a hint of a surprise lingering in his eyes although it seemed my words had broken him even more. But still I continued "Once I thought the same, as you know, but you have showed me that is not the truth. You are my dearest friend and still choose to be despite all of my many, and I mean, many flaws. Why not show the same kindness to yourself? Take your own advice?"
He smiled lightly although it did not reach his eyes. Melancholy filled those as he placed his hand against my face, his thumb caressing my cheekbone.
"Bella, you do not understand…" He stated almost in a whisper, regret filling his voice "And thank goodness that you don't, I wouldn't want the same burden put on your shoulders" He continued as he put a few stray hairs behind my ear gently "But thank you for your kind words, even if misguided"
This last words did indeed struck a nerve in me, making me get up rather quickly from the place I was sitting. Actually, his words did hurt me slightly, after all, we had promised to be honest with each other and I wondered not for the last time what was so horrible that he could not tell me? Or perhaps, he simply did not want to. Just like with his family.
When I turned back to face him, he was also already up, his expression still serious but sprinkled with worry that he might have said the wrong thing. And indeed he had.
I walked closer, shortening the distance that separated us and looked at him dead in the eyes, trying my best to control my voice.
"Then if I'm so misguided tell me: what don't I understand?"
He took a thick lock of my hair into his hand and lightly entangled it in his fingers, playing with it like it was the most interesting thing in world. His gaze remained there when he said the words.
"I'm afraid if you knew you wouldn't want to… well… be here anymore" He concluded, letting go of me hair.
"Try me" I pleaded, taking a step closer, my eyes never leaving his with an unshakable determination.
I searched his face for more, for anything that he wouldn't give me. But to no avail as I saw the decision being made in his eyes and it wasn't in my favor.
"Maybe some other time… when I'm ready" He stated caressing my hair once more. It wasn't a complete no so I just had to trust he was going to be ready – one day. I sighed heavily not wanting to fight any longer and wishing to just enjoy the time we had left in Provence.
"Very well… but I will be waiting" I warned, my eyes still serious.
"I know you will…" He said, breathing in as he kissed my forehead lightly "But in the mean time, I have made a list of activities for us" He stated, taking a step back to see my reaction to the news.
"What? I thought we were only here for you to show me your paintings" I questioned, genuinely surprised. After all, I hadn't expect to stay in Provence for more than two days. Three max.
As I said these words I could see the melancholy gradually leaving his features, a playful smirk growing on his lips as he let out a small chuckle.
"Always so eager…; no, we came here to relax and I also thought that this would be a good opportunity for you to try some new things and see what you truly like doing, maybe find your passion" He informed, searching my eyes, trying to understand if I had liked the surprise.
If I had liked it? Well, I was ecstatic! I could not believe it had happened so soon and that he really had gone to the trouble of doing such arrangements in a very short amount of time. I could scream of happiness, hug him till infinity as nobody had done anything like that for me.
But, it was too embarrassing to show all of these emotions, so I opted for the more composed option. I kept my cool and lightly smirked, as I could not help it.
"Okay, you really were not kidding when you said you would find a way" I teased, trying oh so very hard not to smile more.
"When am I ever when it comes to important things?" He said with another chuckle as he noticed my very much failed attempt to disguise my true feelings.
"Fine..., what did you have in mind?"
Weeks passed and my days remained filled with sunshine such as my first afternoon in Provence. I wished I could stay here forever, in those moments, in the peace, in the quiet of nature.
The château had been cleaned and semi-renovated, the gardens as been arranged and cleared of any weeds. The house had been dusted, broken windows had been fixed, the cracks closed, the furniture restored to it's original glory. Everything looked and felt absolutely breathtaking and every time I entered and rested inside my room I could not believe it was indeed my own. I would waste sometimes hours just looking at the painted ceilings and the crystals on the chandeliers. We still had no electricity so at night it was by light of candles that I was able to read one or two of the thousands of books that filled the library. It was an adjustment but somehow it had a calming and comforting effect on me, reading my candlelight in the comfort of a rococo bedroom.
Everyday we had a new adventure that awaited us. I had been to baking classes, painting classes, dancing classes, I had tried knitting, cross-stitching, rug making, pet grooming workshops, one or two biology classes, which were unnecessary sense I was never a fan of biology, some coding workshops, some archaeology classes and many, many more things. All of these I actually enjoyed doing but I did not feel a special connection with any of them as I would have hoped, which was, to say the least, disappointing. They were fun activities but many of them I did not wish to repeat again. So we kept on looking and although I was having fun with all of these activities Carlisle hadn't yet shown me his paintings. Actually, he even refused to tell me where he kept them. I would be lying if I said I hadn't ever looked for them around the château but without much luck, to the point that I just gave upon looking and wondered if he would ever be ready to show me his pieces at all.
Presently, we were walking back to the château from a pottery class, our clothes filled with red clay stains and pieces. Our laughter disturbing the calming sounds of nature that surrounded us as we couldn't stop chuckling at the state of ourselves. To the point that if I were human I would have tears flowing down my face, barely able to breathe.
"Well, I suppose we can check pottery off the list" He stated with yet another chuckle.
"Seriously, Carlisle, pottery? Could you really imagine me, Isabella Swan, doing pottery?" I questioned him, truly curious to know, as I was not able to contain another laugh, something was not very becoming of a vampire "Where do you even get this ideas?"
"First of all, if I don't get to call you Isabella neither can you; Second of all, I know it was a little bit out there but anything is possible at the end of day" He explained, his smile widening with the tease.
"Yeah, well, I don't know if I should be grateful or worried for your never ending optimist" I teased back, still with a smile on my face as I shoved him playfully "And in regards to my name, I get to call myself whatever I want with no further explanations required, and I also get to decide if and when others get to call by my full name"
"So, you're saying that I might have a chance?" He questioned intrigued and curious.
"We will see… if you behave accordingly" I teased, most amused by his liking of calling me by my birth name. Nobody did that other than do tease me about it.
"And what do you mean by that?" He questioned, brow raised.
"You haven't shown me your paintings" I stated matter-of-factually, taking this opportunity to convince him that it was more than time already. It was pure torture at this point. He sighed heavily, understanding and fear on his eyes.
"I'm not yet ready…"
"You said otherwise before we came here" I said, trying my best to understand him. But I had to admit, it was becoming harder on this particular subject, after all, I had seen his sketches and they were nothing short of beautiful. So.. why the fear? Where the words of Boucher really so ingrained in his mind? And then I had my answer.
"I know… but we have been having such fun lately and I don't want to ruin that"
"Nonsense; me seeing your pieces would never have that effect on me" On the contrary, I thought, how he could not see that was beyond me.
"I don't know… maybe; maybe not"
"Listen, let's make a deal" I suggested, seeing that it would be impossible to convince him of how good his art actually was. Choosing your battles and all of that.
"Another one?" He questioned with a small chuckled, his eyes slightly playful once more.
"Yes, another one, all of deals that you need as long as in the end I get to see those paintings"
"You really are interested" He stated, indeed surprised. Goodness, sometimes he could be so blind to what was right in front of him.
"Your telling me" I teased, rolling my eyes slightly "So, the deal is this: you show me the paintings and in return you get to call me Isabella all you want"
"You're serious?" He asked, surprise and playfulness in his eyes. And that was when I knew that I had him. But I still kept teasing.
"Leave it or take it, the choice is yours"
"I will take it" He said very quickly, a new smirk blooming from his lips. But then, a seriousness returned to his eyes. He stopped walking altogether, making me stop as well. He looked deeply at me and said the words that I hoped he didn't "But you haven't forgotten about the other deal we made around this subject, haven't you?"
I did not wish to discuss with him the subject of my death again, not here, not in Provence, not in the happiest place I have ever been to. But it seemed I had no choice but to do it once more and to break his hopes again, which I was starting to hate doing but I could not lie to him, not about this and perhaps not about anything.
"I said consider" I repeated the words I had spoken more than a month ago, eyes darkening. I didn't want to do this again. Why was he making me to this?
"And have you? Considered?" He questioned once more, his hand wiping a bit of clay that remained on my cheek and for once I wished it stayed there forever as I did not have the strength to answer him. I couldn't. Minutes passed and the words never left my mouth. His eyes saddened with the realization. He sighed, his hand leaving my cheek "If it takes that long to say the words then I already have my answer"
"I'm sorry…" I said, meaning it as I did not want to disappoint him once more, reaching for his hand and taking it into my own.
When he looked back at me his eyes were gentle, understanding. And with a broken smile, he squeezed my hand and said the words that would remain engraved in my mind for a very long time.
"Don't apologize to me but to yourself…"
And we stayed there under the morning sun, staring into each other's eyes, the words that were never said haunting us, lingering. But the questioned remained in my mind. Did I really want to consider? Was I willing? Because it was so much easier to just give up and not face everything that held my heart captive for so many years. And he was right… I could not do it for him. It simply wasn't enough.
He was the first one to look away and start to walk once more. I followed him and in silence we remained, a million thoughts racing through my mind. When I started to see the path that lead to the entrance of the château the only thing I knew was that I needed to write my thoughts down, they were unbearable. I felt consumed by them and writing always made these issues better so I was resolute to spend the rest of the day and, perhaps, night on the library dealing with the big problem that was my mind.
As we arrived at the entrance, he was about to turn to the gardens when I stopped him. I didn't want our conversation to end like it did, it would only make everything worse. As such, I asked.
"What is your fascination with my name anyway?" Hearing my words he stopped walking but his features did not change. They remained serious, mournful.
"It is beautiful… but most of all it suits you"
He turned away and proceeded to the gardens, leaving me alone once more. With a sigh I walked slowly to the bathroom to take good long bath. After that I headed to the library that was on the second floor of the château. I opened it's doors and closed them behind me. I busied myself with looking for a place in which to write and fortunately weeks prior I had found a few empty journals on one of the higher shelves. Taking one of the ladders I reached for one of the said journals, it's leather cover of a dark blood red. I took it with me to a nearby desk and then I wrote. And reader, I wrote and wrote from midday to dusk and into the night. I could not seem to stop as too many thoughts ran through my head, decisions that needed to be made at last haunted me. And it was there in the darkness, with my eyes hypnotized on the ever burning candle that sat next to my hand that I measured the value of my life.
I was afraid. Afraid to consider the what ifs. What if I did not end my life? Would I really be able to survive living as vampire until the end of time itself? Would I ever be truly happy frozen like this, stuck, never changing? And worse than that… what would I do with my life? Who did I want to be? Because I knew that I could not go back to the person I was, not when I was human, not when I was Edward's Bella, not when I was a wife and a mother. That person was a stranger to me and a stranger to those around her. I was never truly myself and to be completely honest I did not know how to go back to her, how to go back to being Isabella. Just Isabella. Just me. I had never taken the time to know, love and cherish her. Never. I did not know who that was and I feared… what If I did not like her? Who I truly was. Wouldn't it just be easier to end it all now and never having to fight to find out the truth? Perhaps… but was it a decision that I was still willing to make? For the first time… I did not know.
I was flawed, yes. Deeply. A pain had clenched my heart for far to long and I did not know who I was without it. I saw darkness in my path but somewhere between Denmark and Provence I had come to like, at least a little, this new Isabella that I was getting to know. And now I wondered, for the first since I had seen that purple fire, if she was worth saving. The answer to that remained unclear to me, try as I might to make a decision in those moments I was still conflicted but at least I was sure of one thing. I was willing to consider it. I was willing to consider life again.
All thanks to him.
I finished the last page. Dawn had arrived and I had just finished that particular journal. I got up in order to get another one and write a bit more as I was enjoying writing very much and was feeling at least a little better about the whole situation. Actually, I had forgotten how much I loved to write, the unexpected pleasure it gave me. With this in mind, I reached for the same shelf as before and pulled on another one of the remaining eleven journals but this time it refused to come out. I pulled on it again and again but nothing happened. I frowned confused. I pulled on it once more with a bit more force than I wanted to and even though the journal did not came out it moved slightly in my direction and than I heard several mechanic noises. Intrigued, I looked down and saw that behind a shelf on the lower level was a hidden door and judging by the scent that came from it nobody most have been inside the mysterious room for centuries.
As I got down from the ladder I debated if I should explore the new room or pretend that I had never found it in the first place. Carlisle could be mad if I found something he did not intend for me to see but… I was too curious. As such I took what remained of my candle with me and headed to the dark interior of the secret room. And I could not believe what my eyes saw.
Carefully I lit every single candlestick that was in room and then and only then did I truly contemplate what was before me.
Hundreds of paintings surrounded me in a room that looked much poorer than the entire château. It was made of a simple dark wood with only a small window as a way to look into the exterior world. But, why would one want to do such a thing when they had all of this beauty around them. There were paintings of beautiful woman and man on the walls and on the floor, paintings of mythological scenes, religious scenes, fantastic scenes as well and of still life and landscapes. One more enchanting than the next and although they were depicting completely different things the same intimacy and soul remained on them. It almost seemed too intimate for me to be looking at them, like seeing him vulnerable and bare all at once without permission. They were even more enchanting than what I had imagined and for the first time I felt privileged to have been painted by him, that somebody like him would be inspired by me. It almost felt too much, like I had invaded his privacy as everywhere I looked I saw another piece him. I could see him in the brushstrokes, I could see him in the color palettes, I could see him in eyes of figures, in their gestures. As such I took a step back, intending to leave the room at once; clearly I was not supposed to be there. But then, something captured my eye.
It was small, very small, gesso cast of a sculpture depicting the greek myth of Psyche and Eros. It was breathtaking and as a magnet it pulled me towards it. I admired it more closely now, contemplating the strong gazes of the lovers. The way that they looked at each other was with such intensity that one could believe their love transcended oceans, lands and even the stars. Again, it was quite intimate.
Foolishly, I extended my hand to touch the butterfly wings of Psyche, enchanted by their beauty when I heard a light noise coming from the door. I froze.
"So, you ended up finding your way into this place"
Author's note: Sweet readers, thank so, so much for reading chapter 10! I am extremely grateful for all the reviews, favorites and follows, I can't thank you guys enough for continuing to read this story! Also, if any of you are interested in the song that I mentioned in the beggining of chapter "Somewhere Only We Know" is by Keane, one of my favorite bands since 2004. I felt it was the perfect vibe for this chapter and if you haven't listened to it I strongly recommend ahah! Thank you so much again and I hope to see you on the next one!
