Chapter 11 – Hiding in the Shadows
He was standing right there next to the door as frozen as I was. The seconds passed by slowly as if time itself was about to stop altogether. I did not know what to say, what to do but I knew I had to do something because the look on his face was just… broken. An irrational fear seemed to consume him, I could see his eyes that the struggled to make a decision, any decision. He looked at me and than at paintings and then back at me again, over and over again in those few seconds. I took a step closer.
"Carlisle… I…" I pleaded, my voice nothing more than a whisper, my hand reaching for him.
But it was then that I knew I had made the wrong decision. When I blinked he was no longer there, almost making me believe that I had seen nothing more than a ghost.
I debated, there alone in the room of so many wonders, what to do. Should I leave him alone? Perhaps, it would be the wisest choice, after all, he clearly was not ready to show me this and for once I could understand why. In his mind it was because he did not think those paintings good enough but in my own it was exactly the opposite – they were too good, too intimate.
I looked back at the beauty that surrounded me and in that moment I made my decision. I wouldn't leave him to deal with everything alone. Clearly, it was about so much more than the paintings and I had come to understand that it was in moments like this that one needed the company of another the most. Even if it meant to just stand beside him without saying a single.
I followed his scent to the gardens, passing the lemon tree and into the extensive grass fields ahead. And there his silhouette stood against the rising sun. I ran in vampire speed toward him, calling out his name. When he noticed my presence he also ran. I sighed. Really? He was going to make me chase him? I rushed my pace, screaming various times for him to just stop. It was ridiculous after all. We looked like a bunch of stupid teenagers at this point.
Several minutes passed and I just had it. I took my shoe off and threw it in his direction, hitting his back.
"Stop!"
My scream was so loud that even small birds that were resting nearby flew some place else. I did not mean to raise my voice that much but thankfully it seemed to work because at last he just stood still with his back turned to me. I sighed, finally catching up with him. I kept my distance though, nor did I attempt to touch him as I just wanted to say the words that I wished I could have said minutes ago in the secret room. And if he really wanted to be alone that much I wouldn't continue to chase after him but he needed to hear this.
"Carlisle… your paintings… they are not soulless and I know… I know you don't think you have a soul, that you are damned to this horrible eternal life but what I just saw was the most beautiful collection of paintings that I have ever laid my eyes upon. And I'm not just saying this because you're my friend but because it is the truth. When I look at your work I feel you… all of you, the good, the bad, the perfect, the imperfect and most of all I see the real you and Carlisle… yes, you are imperfect but it's those imperfections that make me love your work that much more" I tried not to get discouraged at his lack of response to my words, his back that remaining turned to me. As such I forced myself to proceed, taking a step closer, attempting not let my emotions get the better of me, lowering my voice "Listen, months ago I could not see any meaning to this life, I hated myself, what I had become, but you have shown me that there so much more to life than what I knew was possible. You made me believe that there is beauty here, in the little things, in all my flaws, all my imperfections, you love them and I think you should love the same things about yourself. Someone that has had a hand in healing this heart cannot be soulless, someone that paints life itself is not soulless… and I'm sorry you where made to feel otherwise... I just thought you should know that…" I finished, understanding that my words did not reach him.
With a sigh of defeat, I turned my back, making my way up to the château once more, telling myself I had done everything I could have. I had told him the truth or at least my truth, my feelings. There was not much more that I could do, although, all that I wanted was to take that pain away from him.
As I reached the lemon tree I heard fast footsteps behind me and before I had a chance to turn around I felt his arms around me, hugging me from behind. He buried his face in my hair, his hands holding me as if I was his only lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. I remained frozen, not knowing what to do or how to react.
"Can we just… stay like this for a little while?"
I just nodded lightly and as such there I stayed, intertwined in his arms as the sun began to rise. And as the minutes passed, there it was again, that scary feeling from before that only grew in size as time passed, as his touch became engraved in my skin, so much so that I felt that I would die when it inevitably left me. What was this? The feeling that I could not put into words? The hunger that I felt?
"Thank you…" He said after a few minutes, truly meaning it.
"For what? Telling you the truth?" I teased, not knowing what to do with such intimacy, with such intensity.
"You did much more than that"
"Did I?"
"You did" He insisted, his voice deepening as his grasp around my body tightened "I suppose I owe you an apology; I was behaving like an idiot"
"No, not an idiot; perhaps, like a teenager" I teased, a playful smile on my lips "But still, you have nothing to apologize for, I understand it was a shock seeing me there without permission"
"A shock would be the understatement of the year" I heard his words brush against my hair, his voice vulnerable, raw "When I saw you there… I could see it in your eyes that you saw me, the real me, for the first time and I could not bare it, so I ran… I was too afraid to find out if you truly saw it all"
"And did I? See it all?" I dared to ask, my voice only but a whisper.
"No… the words you just spoke tell me that much"
"And are you relieved…?" I questioned, afraid for my own heart upon hearing the answer. I knew that he was hiding something, a part of himself that he hated so much that he dare not share it with anyone. Not even with his family. Part of me wondered who did I think I was for wanting to know that side of him? How was I worth more to him than them?
I felt stupid but, mostly, strangely sad. When did I start to care if I mattered to him? When did I start to value his opinion that much? When did I start to feel this? I did not want to but… there it was, making me question everything once more. Why did he matter to me so... much? To the point that when faced with the possibility that he would never show me all the parts of himself, I felt pain, physical pain in my chest. It was stupid really…
"I should be… but…, no, not at all" His confession came as a surprise even to himself. Suddenly, I felt his arms gently leaving me, making me crave that touch once more.
What was even wrong me? For some reason I did not feel like myself; I wasn't like this, I did not feel these things, especially because he… he was Carlisle. I tried to tell myself that I was making things up in my head again, that I saw him as nothing more than my friend but… I was starting to understand that perhaps… I had been lying to myself this whole time.
Fortunately, I wasn't able to continue these dangerous thoughts because he ended up slowly turning me to himself and taking one of my hands into his, he asked "Come with me…"
"Where?"
"Back inside"
I let him lead me through the corridors of the château until we reached the library once more and entered the secret room. I could not avoid making an audible gasp as I laid my eyes upon the beauty that surrounded me. It was like I was seeing everything for the first time and once again I lost myself in those paintings that subtly spoke so much. He let me be alone for a few minutes there, enjoying every last detail that I could. When he came back, he brought with him a thick blanket, a few pillows and two opaque cups filled with blood for both of us to enjoy. He gestured for me to sit down as he closed the door behind him. As such I made myself comfortable, taking a sip out of my cup and patiently waiting for him to say something, after all, I knew he hadn't taken me back there without a reason and I could not help but to feel that he was being very brave at the moment try as he might to make it seem otherwise.
Before he sat down, he took ones of the paintings that rested on the floor and brought it with him to where I was seated. He handed it to me carefully and as I took it into my hands I was even scared to touch it or move it around, it seemed so fragile. The painting itself depicted a typical 18th century street in a big city of the time and although there was a clear gloom to it, there was also beauty in the clouds and the sky, in the flowers nearby, in the busy street bellow.
"It's beautiful… where is it?"
"Paris; that was the view from my apartment"
"Lucky man" Said I, a small smile on my lips contemplating the canvas, imagining how it would have been like to breathe the same air, in the same time.
"Yes, I liked living there too. I spent some of the best times of my existences in that apartment" Melancholy filled his voice when he expressed those words and when I looked back at him, his eyes were also deep in the painting, his gaze lost on memories of long ago, unknown to me.
"Then, what changed?"
"I got kicked out of the Academy…" He stated with a deep sigh, his eyes still on the canvas "When that happened it gave me chance to consider a lot of things about myself and about my purpose"
"What things…?" I asked my voice nothing more than a whisper as I was unsure if I should press him more on the matter. Although, to my upmost surprise the seemed more than ready to open up, more than I ever thought possible.
"Well, I reached the conclusion that someone like me could never have a soul, that no matter how hard I tried that I would never be… human again. And I was… lonely, so, so, lonely… it wanted to feel love again. But it didn't know how. I wouldn't risk falling for a human, I knew that by doing that I would be putting an innocent life in dangerous for my selfish endeavors, so it had to be someone of my kind. The problem was, up until that point I had only met nomads and the Volturi and none of them left a good enough impression on me so… I thought that I was destined to be alone, ever hungry, ever craving for a love I did not deserve. So, I left Paris, I left France, I could not look back at the place that I loved so much but that made me realize that I could never get the same love back but most importantly that I was incapable of giving it as well"
Hearing his words broke my heart. I thought at the time that I understood him better than ever before, that so many things made sense now.
I placed my hand of top of his, turning his gaze to me.
"I… feel compelled to tell you once again that your paintings are everything but soulless; do you have any idea how they made me feel…?" I questioned, my eyes never leaving his. He had to understand, once and or all. But then he surprised me again, as leaned in closer to me with a tenderness in his expression that I did not expect to find.
"I'm starting too…; that is why I brought you here, because, somehow they did what I thought for centuries was impossible: they touched you"
"They did… and so did you…; someone without a soul wouldn't be able to love me like you have for the past few months, and, dare I say it, not even most humans have that capacity, to gift someone with unconditional love, so…, thank you" I expressed truthfully, meaning every word.
"You have also graced me with the same kindness, Isabella" I shivered when I heard him call me by my first name not because it was uncomfortable but because it somehow felt right, my name on his lips. I had to look away with the intensity.
"It is not the same thing… you're not hard to love" I stated because well… it was the truth. Who in the world would not love him? It was so easy. Too easy I should say.
"Neither are you"
When he declared those strange, wrong words I had to look at him and I regretted doing so immediately. He was so close, so very close, his eyes telling me everything that I wished to hear, drawing me near him like a magnet. The low light from the candles illuminated his features, making him even more beautiful than I thought possible and for once I was ready to give in as my lips looked for his, hungry, starving even.
But it was just a dream and I had to come back to reality because I was still me and he was still Carlisle, the father of my husband. And this that I was feeling was wrong, all of it. I thought that I had truly lost my mind. I couldn't feel this things, not for him. Never for him. But… they were there and I hated myself for that. And worst of all was… how could I even think that he would ever feel the same way?
So naive…
"So… what is the story of that one?" I asked as if nothing happened, taking away my proximity as I pointed to the first painting I laid eyes upon. I didn't care which one it was, only that it would change the subject altogether. A good old-fashioned distraction.
It seemed to work because he lightly chuckled and said.
"Oh… that"
"What?" I questioned with a playful smile on my lips, glad that I had successfully distracted him.
"It was the first time I painted and seen, might I add, a naked woman" He informed as he got up and took the canvas from the wall, bringing it with him. It was a small painting study of a nude female. It looked like one the oldest in the collection.
"No way, that must have been quite something"
"Indeed, I had never felt so embarrassed in my entire life"
"Now, I'm curious; do tell, Mr. Bon Vivant" I pressed, ready to stop feeling what I was feeling. Perhaps, it would be a welcomed distraction for me too. I hoped so.
"Well, I was still an apprentice in Italy at the time and…"
For hours I allowed myself to get lost in his stories of another time, of a time I could only begin to imagine. I enjoyed seeing him like this, relaxed like I never saw him before, talking about things that he didn't for centuries. He smiled openly, kindly, and I could not help but to smile back and wish that those moments would never end. I for sure would cherish them for a long as I breathed.
He handed me more and more paintings, explaining each of them and their stories without me having to ask anymore, the excitement growing on him as the love for his work sprouted blissfully, naturally.
At present, he had just shown me a painting that depicted wild waves in the middle of the ocean that contrasted with a calm and beautiful sunset. He was telling me that he had started it on a ship when he sailed from Italy to France but that unfortunately it had sunken to the bottom of the ocean and although nobody died he was only able to save that particular canvas from all of his belongings without causing suspicion. It was indeed not hard to tell because it still smelled of the ocean and seemed quite damaged, more so than all the others.
"So… I have been talking about myself for hours but now it is your turn" He stated when he finished telling the last story.
I could not say I was to eager to talk about myself. Not when a million thought were racing through my mind about everything. I could not do this. I did not want to. But at the same time I knew that it wasn't his fault that I was feeling these sinful things and as such I did not want to hurt his feelings or show that something was indeed very wrong me. But I had to find a way out of that room and fast.
As such, I smiled lightly, hiding behind it.
"What do you wish to know?"
"I want an update; have you found something that you truly enjoy doing?"I did not expect the question though I mentally sighed of relief for not being something too difficult to respond, especially truthfully.
"Actually, I did… writing"
"I knew it" He stated with determination, making me chuckle lightly.
"Did you now?"
"With how well you are able to articulate yourself it could only be; you described my paintings like a poem after all" We both chuckled with his words but there, in those moments, I saw an opportunity to leave that dangerous place at once.
"Well, if that is all, I will take my leave" I said, getting up from where we were sitting, quickly taking my last sip of blood that was left. He seemed surprised, getting up as well. I did not blame him.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm taking a shower, it is quite late already" I stated innocently, pointing to the window that showed how dark it had really gotten outside. It would probably be around 11 pm at the moment. Realizing my meaning he seemed embarrassed, an apologetic smile blooming on his lips.
"Oh… you're right. I'm sorry, do not let me keep you"
"See you later, then"
As I submerged my skin in the warm water, gently wetting my hair, I closed my eyes and tried my very best not to panic. I had been ignoring all the red flags but they were there, always in the shadows waiting for the right moment to reveal themselves. And now… I had no choice but to see them for what they truly were. I bit my lower lip, pressing my fingers against it as I let myself drown in the depths of the bathtub.
I was falling in love with Carlisle Cullen.
Author's note: Dear readers, thank you so much for reading chapter 11! Again thank so much for all the lovely reviews, follows and favourites, you guys are amazing, I'm truly grateful for your kind words! Hope you enjoyed this smaller chapter and I will see you on the next one!
