The cancer within

In his room Terra began to stir, the suddenly jolted awake as his last memories before unconsciousness returned. The Heartless had caught him, enveloping him completely. And then… he had been submerged in… water? Suffocating… fading away. Unable to see or feel anything. Hearing naught but the muffled sounds of his own struggling, thrashing uselessly in the void he was in. After that, nothing.

It took him a moment to realize he was back in his room. But that left him even more confused. How had he gotten here? He noted his armor had been dismissed, and instead he had been left to sleep on his bed in his day-to-day clothes, his shoes placed next to the bed. Even more curious.

Could this be some sort of illusion? Could it be he was not in his room at all, but still in the Realm of Darkness? He looked around but everything in his room looked to be just like he had left it, right down to details. He tried to pinch himself just to be sure, and flinched when he felt the sting of it. Alright. If this was an illusion, then it was a damn convincing one.

Now that he thought about it, there were a few items that had not been there before, that someone had brought there. Medicines, bandages and a glass of water next to a full jug of more. At that point he became aware of the parched feeling in his throat. He reached for the glass and emptied it down his throat, then immediately refilled it and did the same, feeling a sense of relief as the liquid eased his thirst.

Well, that looked to confirm it then. Not once in the realm of darkness had he been thirsty. And if this was an illusion conjured by the darkness it was unlikely a source of relief would have been so readily available. So he could not be there. This was real, and he was home. But where were the others? Where was Aqua? And Ven? He remembered Ven had been knocked out. And Aqua… her armor had been destroyed. Had they made it back like he had? Please let that be true.

With those question burning in his mind he jumped off his bed and exited his room, barely remembering to put on his shoes. Aqua's room was the closest to his, so he went there first, hoping to find her there. But he found someone else along the way first. A woman with bright yellow hair, strands of which had been shaped into a pair of antennae, and eyes of turquoise. At first he could have sworn he had never seen her in her life. But then memories drifted to him, faint echoes of a time when Xehanort still had control of his body. And the black coat she wore all but confirmed his suspicions.

"Ah! You're awake. Very good! We've all been waiting for you to come to! Two days was a bit longer than we expected you to take." The woman said, smiling at him.

In a flash of light his keyblade appeared, pointed at her. There was a scowl on his face.

"Woah, big guy! No need for anything drastic." She said, taking a step back, holding up her hands.

"I remember you. You're Larxene. You're with the Organization!" He growled.

She scoffed, rolling her eyes. "Dead wrong. And on both counts. The name's Elrena. The one you are thinking of is my Nobody. I'm about as much her as you were you when Xehanort was using you as his heart tank. That is to say: same body, different person. And no, I'm not with the Organization anymore. And you… you really should learn to talk more nicely to people who save your skin. It might not happen for a second time otherwise."

"You… what?" He asked.

"Oh yeah. You three were in a bit of a pickle back in the Realm of Darkness. Lauriam and I got you out of it, brought you here. Feel free to ask Ven about it if you don't believe me." She explained.

"So, how about it? Can we get a thank you at least?" She teased.

Terra became thoughtful for a moment. Could it really be? It could certainly explain how he had ended up here. But why would former members of the Organization bother protecting them?

"Aqua and Ven. Where are they?" He then chose to ask. His keyblade remained pointed at her.

"I guess that's a no then. Rude, but whatever…" Elrena commented dryly. "Well, Ven is around here. He has been talking with Lauriam a lot. They're trying to get to know each other again. Well, within the current limits of course."

"Again? And what current limits do you mean?" He asked.

"Eh, that's a bit of a longer story. Doubt you'd have the patience for it at the moment." She said with a slight grimace. "But the point being he is ok. And he will be very happy to hear you are too. Let me tell you, he has been worried sick over you two. We could barely manage him."

"Now, as for Blue she was still offline the last time I checked on her. We've put her in her room. But if you're running around pointing a keyblade at people it could be she won't be all that much behind you." She continued.

"Tell you what: Why don't I go fetch Ven for you. In the meantime you can go check on your girlfriend. Be the face she wakes up to." She suggested.

"She's not my…!" Terra began, but the retort died on his lips, his mouth clamping tightly shut as his eyes drifted to the floor, overcome by a strong feeling of indecisiveness.

Elrena tilted her head, raising an eyebrow. "Ha! You actually…? Oh wow. I'll have you know I was just trying to mess with you right now. You know, just annoy you a bit. For fun. But it looks like I hit way closer to the mark than I intended to." She then snickered.

He was too embarrassed to offer any response to that.

"Though based on that reaction I don't think you've told anyone yet. Not even her I take it? That's alright. I can respect someone having a few treasured thoughts they wish to keep to themselves. And no need to worry about me knowing it. I happen to be excellent at keeping a secret. Won't be spreading this one around unless you start doing it. And if you never do then that's fine too. It can be our secret." She added.

"Well then. I'll try to think of a creative reason to delay telling Ven you're awake. Give you two a moment of privacy before he comes barging in."

She was about to leave when she turned back. "Oh, and uh… if she happens to be awake and coherent I strongly suggest you speak with her about what happened in the Dark Realm. For her own good. And later Lauriam and I will want to have a word with you. There might be a post-Xehanort problem brewing that you should be made aware of."

"Well, we'll see you two later. Ta-ta." She concluded, then was gone before Terra had the opportunity to say anything else to her.

Terra rubbed the back of his head, then dismissed his keyblade and resumed his journey towards Aqua's room.

What a strange person. She seemed much like her Nobody. And yet she was entirely different. Larxene had been all thorns and sharp edges, to the point of cruelty. This one had a sharp tongue as well, but at the same time she seemed… a touch softer perhaps? Still, that was no reason to relax around her. No doubt she could still be dangerous if she wished to be. And there was no way to tell yet if she was actually nicer, or if she just bothered to conceal her worst aspects now. Not based on one brief discussion.

And who was this Lauriam she had kept mentioning? Another recompleted member of the Organization most likely. But which one? He though back, and then remembered the other Nobody Larxene constantly seemed to hang out with when not sent on missions. Marluxia. That was the one. And considering Xehanort's convention of naming Nobodies… it did sound like Lauriam could be Marluxia's Somebody.

Briefly he wondered if he should put any faith in what she had said. In the past trusting carelessly had seen him used or made a fool of, so now he knew to be wary. So should he believe her? What if this was some trap or trick? She had mentioned they had been talking to Ven. What was their interest in him? What if they tried to steal Ventus away while he was distracted?

But then he realized it was not terribly likely. If that was the intention of their visitors they could have done it by now. They could have left any or all of them to rot in the darkness, or deal with them while they were unconscious. Instead they had brought them here, even looking after them if the items in his room were any indication. Just as it was foolish to trust too quickly, it would be a mistake to jump to conclusions and assume they were bad just because their Nobodies had been. He would have to wait and see he supposed.

He would know the truth in just a moment. If she had been honest then at least he might give them the benefit of the doubt. And if he had been lied to he would hunt them to the ends of existence. Either way there would be many questions he would still want to have answered. Like why they had come here? How come it sounded like they knew Ven already? What had she meant by limits when talking with him? And what on earth was this possible new threat she had mentioned in passing?

He arrived at Aqua's door. He knocked, but got no reply. Out of politeness she hesitated, but then decided to proceed inside anyway. She was probably just not awake yet.

As promised, he found her in her room. And as predicted she was still unconscious. Thinking it was better to let her wake up in her own time, he took one of the chairs in the room and sat down next to her bed.

He had some time to observe her. Right now she looked to be… surprisingly peaceful. His eyes turned to the corner, where a mirror had once stood. The splinters had long since been swept off the floor, the frame cleared away. But the marks left on the floor could not be so easily removed, serving as a reminder of the nightmares that had plagued her. But for once she did not seem to suffer from them. A dreamless sleep. He was grateful of that, even as he wished the conditions that caused it could have been avoided. To sleep without nightmares was a respite she both deserved and needed.

He broke from his thoughts when he noticed her starting to wake up. Slowly her eyes opened

"Terra? Why are…? Where…?" She asked in confusion, sitting up.

"It's alright. We're safe. We're no longer in the Dark Realm." He reassured.

"We're… home? How did we get here?" She asked. "I remember… someone in a black coat, attacking the Heartless…"

"Yeah, I ran into one like that just now. She claims to have rescued us, brought us here. Didn't think much of that claim at first, but given what you said I'm starting to think she may have been telling the truth after all." He said.

"So it really did happen… who is she?" Aqua asked.

"A former Organization member. I remember her from… before. As a Nobody she was called Larxene. But she's using the name Elrena now. Claims she's a regular person now. There's another person here by the name of Lauriam. I haven't seen him yet, so I can't be sure, but I think he is the one known as Marluxia in the organization." Terra explained.

"Organization members you say…? And they saved us…? I can scarcely..." She said, stopping mid-sentence when she realized something was missing.

"Ven! Where is he!? Don't say he… did he make it back!?" She asked, almost desperate.

"He's here. He's safe." He assured. "It's actually the strangest thing. Lar… Elrena said they had been talking to him. I go the impression that… they know him from somewhere. I don't know what that was really about. She didn't explain herself. But she said she would go get him for us. We'll be able to see him in just a bit."

But the part of Ventus being safe seemed to be the only part she had heard, drawing a shuddering breath of relief. "Oh thank goodness. I'd never have forgiven myself if…"

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry. I messed up. I shouldn't have asked you to go there. I almost… all of us almost got killed because of me. I would never… it's my fault. All my fault…" She then apologized in a tirade.

"No… Aqua, there is no need to blame yourself for anything. This wasn't your doing in any way. We went there together, and we got out just fine. It's ok." He told her.

"No. It really isn't." She said with a sharp shake of her head. "I've been trying to pretend I'm ok. But I'm not. I can't let this go on anymore. I'm putting too much at risk. You need to understand. I have… there's a problem with me. A big one. It… has to do with the darkness in me."

There was a lengthy pause, then Terra leaned forward. "Then what is it that we need to understand?" He asked quietly.

She took a moment to gather her thoughts.

"Have you read Jiminy's journal entries? Do they mention how Mickey, Riku and Sora found me in the Realm of Darkness? What state they found me in?" She asked.

"I did read something of that before we left. And they do mention something of that. It's how I knew what you were asking when you wanted to know the color of your eyes, that night when you destroyed your mirror." He replied.

"You were seeking answers to what was wrong with me weren't you? I don't blame you. I have… given cause. Even then you knew something was not right." She said.

Aqua nodded morosely. "The mirror…I destroyed it because… I don't see me. I haven't seen my real reflection in… I don't even know how long it has been. Since I was brought back into the light. Instead… I see her. The Phantom. Every time."

"The Phantom?" He asked.

She nodded.

"She has my face, my likeness. But her eyes… they are yellow, almost golden in their coloring. Hair is white, with only a tinge of the blue that should be there. Her clothes are like mine, except ragged, and blacks and dark blues throughout. No other colors. The limbs have likewise turned very dark blue, almost black. Where the skin meets clothes on the arms and legs… it's… it's fused together. You can't tell where one ends and the other begins. The fingers are red, and her nails are like claws, sharp enough to cut someone." She described.

"She is as they found me in that realm. She is the weakness in me, my darkness. What I turned into… and what I'm afraid I'll become again." She said.

"Aqua… you could never end up becoming something like that again. Your heart's too strong. And we're here with you now." He tried to reassure her.

Her hands clenched, gripping her blanket. "I was strong. Once. It used to be so easy for me, you know? Before I fell down there keeping my darkness in check was an afterthought. Would you believe it I actually thought it could not affect me? That because I was never tempted to use the darkness I thought there was no way it could ever corrupt me? Like you said, I thought my heart was too strong for that to ever happen."

A bitter chuckle. "What an arrogant idiot I was to think that. You don't have to desire the darkness for it to overtake you."

"I had your light in the Dark Realm, you're right about that. Worlds apart, one of you asleep, one of you kicked out of your body, and you were still with me, lighting my way. If not for you I would have given up early on. To that add the light I myself had at the time. And despite all that I still lost. I still turned into that creature. And that's what I would have remained as if it weren't for others."

"You know that's Ansem's doing, not because of any weakness of yours." He said.

She looked down and shook her head. "Xehanort's heartless was the final straw. But I was already falling before that. I had been reduced to apathy, just waiting to be rescued. Nothing else to do without a keyblade. The other Ansem, Ansem the wise… in keeping me company he was my last lifeline. Without him I might have just faded into nothingness without even noticing. That's how far gone I was. When he was taken away because I wasn't strong enough to stop it, and the one person to actually find me only cast me further into the dark… I just couldn't bear it anymore. That's why I gave in."

"I keep thinking about something Xehanort's Heartless said before he struck me. He said he shouldn't leave me with nothing. I wonder if he was just taunting me. Or if in some twisted way he thought he was doing me a favor. Those who become Heartless lose their minds and emotions. If I had turned into one… or if I had been obliterated… I would have suffered no more. Was it all just a botched attempt to give me a clean end? To crack my last defense so I could stop pretending?"

"Aqua…" Terra said.

"I know. I might just be overanalyzing it. There is no real reason to think there was anything to it other than spite. Still…" She admitted.

"…I have already lost this fight once before. And now… I'm less." She then said, her voice barely more than a whisper.

"You're not less Aqua…" He tried.

"Yes I am. That's the root cause of all of this." She said. "This Phantom… I'm afraid of her. I can't help it. I've tried so many times to find a reason not to be scared of her anymore. But nothing has worked. And I hate her for always being there to torment me. But the more I do either, the stronger she becomes. The closer she is to taking me over again."

She sniffed. "And she makes sure I can't just let go and move on. She is in my reflection… in my dreams. Every night she brings me back to the Realm of Darkness. She never speaks to me in my nightmares. She isn't yet powerful enough to have a voice of her own while I'm here in the light. But she has other ways to make her intentions clear. She knows you and Ven are important to me, so she… makes me watch you die. Or fall into darkness. So many different ways she has to make that happen. And there is never anything I can do to stop it. At other times… you are just nowhere to be found. I call for you and look for you but I never see you. There's just me, alone, being hunted by her. The nightmares change a lot from night to night. But they always end the same way. In the end I'm always rendered powerless, unable to fight her or flee from her. And then she catches me."

"In the Realm of Darkness… I wanted to face her and best her. To face the realm and survive it. To prove I can. Instead… I nearly lost everything." She admitted.

Another sniff. "She is not going to stop until I lose. Until I succumb again. And I don't know how to stop her. I don't know what I need to do. Even Sora was only able to drive her away. He cannot destroy her. I fear nothing can."

"I'm losing this fight. I'm losing it all again!" She suddenly snapped, now on the verge of tears.

Eyes full of sympathy, he put a hand on her shoulder. She reacted immediately, wrapping her arms around him. He was surprised for half a second, then returned the embrace. He held her, listening to her breaths, feeling her tremble. The sweet scent of mint she always had about her…

"Aqua… listen to me. You're not going to lose this. You're not going to fall to darkness. If for no other reason, then because I won't let that happen. Neither will Ven." He told her.

"I know you wouldn't. And I want to believe that will be enough. I want it so much. I just…" She began to say. She was unable to finish.

"You've carried around this hurt all this time. Why did you try to keep this to yourself for so long? Why did you try to face this all alone?" He asked.

"I know you're with me. And I am, so, so grateful for that. It means everything to me. But I… I have no love for what I've become. Some days I'm just… I'm disgusted with myself. The thought of others knowing about this, pitying me over it… I just couldn't stomach the idea of it. I know it's stupid and prideful, but I couldn't bear it. I still don't want pity from anyone. But I can't let you or Ven be hurt by my pride. That would be even worse. So you need to know." She explained.

"And because… I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. I need to do better than this. On my own." She continued.

"Aqua, come on now. The three of us are a team. When we need to, we lean on each other. And we've all needed that at some point. There is no shame in that." He said.

"We are a team. And we do that, yes." She agreed. "But that means I need to be able to do my part. What will we do if you depend on me and I have nothing left to offer us? We've already been there. When we were in the Dark Realm the Heartless had both of you, and I… I was helpless against the Realm's influence. If I was all we had back there then we would have all been lost. Gone forever. I let us down…"

"No. No. You didn't. No one is blaming you. It's alright." He said, holding her a bit tighter.

"No… nothing about this is alright. You two should be the strength beyond myself. Not the last thing keeping me from the abyss." She said.

A pause, as she felt like she had emptied herself completely. No more feelings that had to be aired to avoid choking on them.

"I… I shouldn't be like this. It's all wrong. There has to be some way to fix this…" She said.

"Then we will find one. All of us, together. You aren't alone in this anymore. This phantom you fear? She won't have you. We'll find some way to defeat her. I promise you." He told her.

Something about the way he said it… the conviction… Aqua actually believed him. It was enough to bring a momentary smile to her lips.

"Thank you, my…my…" She began, but then stopped. Because suddenly she realized she wasn't quite sure how she wanted to complete that sentence. Did she want to say friend? Or was there another term she wanted to use? Which one of those might Terra prefer? Eventually she ended up deciding this question did not need to be answered today. For now this was enough. Here, his arms around her… this was a safe place to be. Her Phantom would not come near while he was here. And him being this close… it brought her hope. Just like he had been able to break her out of her terror the night she destroyed her mirror. With him (And Ven of course…) she really felt like there might be a way to drive away her dark self for good, put an end to the torment she had been subjected to.

How she wanted that to be true, for it to be possible.

Time passed. How much, neither could say for sure, and neither were in any mood to try tracking it. If this moment could last forever they would have been perfectly happy with it. But of course, such was not to be.

"Could we… I know we need to tell Ven of this. But could we avoid talking about my situation with the others for now? I don't think I'm ready for that yet." She finally broke the silence.

"Alright. If you wish. But we may need to tell the others eventually." He said.

"Yes. But just let it not be now." She replied.

"We should go see Ven now. And then I think we should meet these… guests of ours. Find out what they have to say for themselves." She then said.

"Yeah." He agreed.

Aqua drank some water, put on her shoes and then both of them left to look for Ventus.