Reflecting upon regret
Terra lay at her feet, unmoving. To her right there was Ventus, likewise still.
Her muscles ached, like she had been a tough fight. Why… couldn't she remember what had happened?
It was still, quiet. Whatever foe there had been there did not seem to be around anymore. Perhaps they had defeated it. But too late, if so…
There was… red… on the ground. Red on Terra and Ven too. Red on her arms. Even in this gloom she could see it plainly. Red… everywhere…
…Red…red…red…red….red…
What had happened here? How could this be?
Terra and Ventus… were gone. Gone forever. And she was left alive here… alone. As the reality of that began setting in she felt tears starting to flow down he cheeks. The loss left her feeling like a hole had been drilled into her heart and ice water poured into the opening. Such a terrible, painful emptiness where they had once stood. The darkness in her heart was reacting, feeding on her emotions, growing more potent by the second. But there was nothing she could do to stop it. Her last source of light, her beacon of hope… had been extinguished. Now she had naught left to hold the darkness back with.
By rights she should have fallen with them. She should only have allowed the loss of what she held dearest over her dead body. Why had she not? Why had she not prevented this? There weren't even any wounds on her. Why not? Had she not fought to her fullest? Had she failed them? What a foolish question to ask. What else could it be if they were dead and she was left alive? Those thoughts brought a new emotion, worse than the first. Guilt.
This couldn't be real…
"HAS THE DARKNESS TAKEN YOU, AQUA!?" A horrifyingly familiar sound came from behind her. She turned and saw Master Eraqus standing there, an angry scowl on his face.
"Such high hopes I placed upon you. A new keyblade master I thought. A bright new star to stand guard over the worlds and keep the darkness at bay." He continued to rumble.
He scoffed. "A worse mistake I shall never make. A heart as frail as yours should never been permitted to wield a keyblade, let alone be declared a keyblade master."
How could he say that, even if it was true!? She was already hurting because of what had happened. Why was he choosing to add to it? And why was he accusing her of having fallen to darkness? She wanted to ask him these very questions, to ask him to stop making her hurt even more, but to her confusion she found her lips would not move. She just stood there… waiting. Why? What was the matter with her? Why wasn't her body doing what she wanted?
"And now it is too late. My other students have fallen, slain by your hands. The damage is done. If only I had been in time to stop you." He continued, a slight sadness in his voice.
What!? He thought she had done this? That was absurd! Never in a million years would she…!
She happened to glance down at that moment. What she saw sent a wave of cold fear surging though her veins. The red on her… wasn't just because of the blood. The skin of her fingers was also of an unnatural bright red hue. And what she could see of her arms beneath her sleeves was of a deep dark blue.
That was the moment she finally understood. It had been her. Terra and Ventus… they had been fighting her. And they had lost. She had fallen again… and then she had killed them both. And the reason he body wasn't responding to her commands was… because she wasn't in charge anymore.
"Enough. Your existence shall end here. I was too late for Terra and Ventus. But I shall ensure the foulness that has taken root in you will not bring harm to others." Eraqus declared, then summoned his keyblade.
Her body moved of its own accord, adopting her ready stance, summoning a darkened version of her keyblade. No. No! She would not fight him! She couldn't…
But this wasn't a decision she was allowed to make. Her Phantom had control now, and she was going to do as she pleased.
A gale of light erupted from Eraqus's keyblade, which he promptly sent hurtling towards her. But the phantom simply phased out of the way, disappearing where she had just been and reappearing to his right. Then she charged, diving through the air like an arrow. Eraqus only barely managed to block her blow, a tremendous clang echoing as their weapons connected. Then she jumped away, vaulting through the air and landing on her feet a considerable distance away from him.
Their clash continued, with him attacking keyblade strikes and spells, his form honed to perfection by decades of experience. He was using attacks she knew. Some were even moves he had taught to her many years ago. Every move she recognized wrenched her heart with its familiarity. Each a reminder that this was her old Master that she was fighting.
The phantom meanwhile was teleporting all over the place, moving so quickly she seemed to be in several places at once. Just like Aqua herself, the Phantom relied heavily on magical attacks, unleashing barrages of spells against Eraqus. They were her attacks, but altered, twisted. Suffused with darkness.
All the while she was raging and screaming inside her head, trying with all her might to retake control of her body. But she could not make a single muscle do what she wanted. She could only watch as this horror unfolded right in front of her. Why was she being forced to watch like this?
She realized this was the Phantom's doing as well. Her dark self was making Aqua see everything she loved get destroyed to crush her hope. To make sure there would be no hidden pocket of light remaining to threaten the Phantom's control later. And it was punishment as well, to make her pay for ever daring to resist in the first place.
"Let him win, let him win, let him win…" She silently pleaded. She would rather have it all end here than live trapped like this inside her own head like this. Far better that than the alternative. The worst pain she could ever suffer had already been inflicted on her, caused by the weakness in her heart, by her inability to hold her darkness back. Her fault. She would rather perish than live with something like that for eternity.
The fight continued on and on without pause. Spell against spell. Keyblade against keyblade. Student against teacher. And to her distress she began to notice her Master beginning to tire. At first it was little things, his keyblade moving a fraction slower than expected. But as the fight progressed the signs became more numerous and more obvious. Eraqus was skilled and experienced, and far stronger than an average person of his age would have been. It allowed him to keep the fight going for a long time. It almost felt like an eternity. But the Phantom was relentless. She did not tire. Not in this place. More and more Eraqus was being put on the defensive, forced to forego chances to attack before the Phantoms unending assault.
He was losing…
Finally the Phantom jumped up and spun around itself, sending a storm of dark orbs toward him. He blocked most with his keyblade and dodged out of the way of several others. But in his exhaustion he missed one, the dark energy slicing his flank. And then, as he was momentarily distracted by the pain, another struck him across the face, adding a fresh mark to the scars he already had. With a groan he fell to one knee, leaning heavily on his keyblade for support.
The Phantom landed gracefully, then strode to him, oozing confidence. When she got close Eraqus made a clumsy swipe at her with his keyblade. But her darks self merely swatted it aside, knocking it out of his hand. Then she raised her own weapon. She was going to…
"NO! You can't! Please! Don't!" Aqua shouted in her mind, redoubling her efforts to regain herself. But still nothing seemed to work. She kept trying, more desperate by the moment. She had to stop this before…
Eraqus looke up at her weakly. "Aqua… how could you?" He asked, sounding utterly heartbroken.
"It's not me! This is not me! I would never…" She wanted to tell him. "Please, I'm begging you, don't do this. Just leave him alone, please! No…" She tried to tell the Phantom. She could feel the Phantom's contempt, the amusement at her distress.
The Phantom held the keyblade raised high in victory. Then it descended toward her master.
"NOOOOO!" Aqua screamed.
"No!" She gasped, eyes opening as she sat up. To her confusion she noticed she was in her room, on her bed. She looked down at herself, but everything she could see looked normal. Could it all have just been…?
She looked over the side of her bed, and saw Terra asleep on his mattress. Alive and well, and blissfully unaware of how she had seen him only moments ago. Overcome with relief, she covered her face with her hands, taking several deep breaths to calm herself. A dream. Nothing more. Just a dream.
"That's certainly… a new trick from her." She whispered to herself. In hindsight she should have known. Eraqus was long gone. How could he have possibly been there to seek to fight her? And what she had supposedly done… she should have been able to remember the events leading up to that point. But dreams didn't work like that. When you slept you tended to accept whatever was put before you, no matter how illogical those things might seem in the waking world. And this one had been more lifelike than your average nightmare. Very believable for the most part. Probably because these weren't ordinary nightmares.
She felt a surge of anger that the Phantom had used her master like this. It was an insult to his memory. Just as it was an insult to weaponize her feelings for Terra and Ven.
"Another dream?" Terra asked softly. His eyes were now open, looking at her. Apparently she had woken him after all. She would rather not have done that. At least one of them should have been allowed to sleep in peace.
She bowed her head and nodded silently.
"I had rather hoped the nightmares would have stopped for you. It's why we started to have these sleepovers after all." He said, sitting up.
"They do help. Believe me they do. Before we started to have them, nightmares like this were a constant occurrence. This way at least most of my nights have been peaceful. It's been a while since I've had a nightmare that bad. But I don't think stopping them entirely was ever going to be as simple as that." She said.
"What happened in this one?" He asked.
"Do you really want to know that?" She countered.
"I think so. If talking about it could help you. If you want to talk about it, that is." He replied.
Aqua considered. Maybe talking about this would help. Parsing things with someone else might help her bring things into perspective, so she could think clearly. What was there to lose?
"In my dream… I had fallen into darkness again. The Phantom had complete control, and I was trapped within my own body, forced to watch what she did. You and Ven were there too. But she had… you had been… you were gone. You had fought the Phantom… and you had lost. Then Eraqus showed up. He accused me of having fallen to darkness and then tried to fight the Phantom too. But he was defeated. I woke up just before…" She detailed, unable to complete her final sentence.
"Damn…" Terra whispered.
"I think she is trying to tell me something. She's trying to tell me relying on my friends isn't going to save me. That she is going to win despite that." Aqua continued.
"Well she is wrong. We are going to prove it to her." Terra assured her.
"Can we really be so sure?" She asked.
"You doubt it?" He asked with a frown. This was rather unexpected of her.
"I don't doubt any of you. I realize all you that know are doing everything you can to help. And I am grateful. But on some level it's not all that different from how things were before my first fall." She said.
"Except you aren't in the realm of darkness anymore. And all of us are here now to help you in person." He pointed out.
"It's true. I'm not there. And you are with me. Yet she is still right here," -Aqua tapped her chest- "using these tailor made nightmares to get at me. And if I wanted to see her all I would have to do is find a reflective surface. She has been slowed, but not stopped."
"I just wish I could be more certain that this is going to work. You were right when you suggested I should take things easy and build myself back up slowly and patiently. But it won't matter if I'm moving fast or slow if I'm moving in the wrong direction. And with nightmares like this I think you can see why I'm worried." She continued.
"…Is there something else you'd like to try, in that case?" He asked.
She became hesitant at that. "I… I don't know. I don't even know if there is some other way to approach this that would work for me. The only thing I do know is what will happen if this doesn't work. Living with that uncertainty is… it can't be the way this ends. It just can't. This nightmare… it must never become more than that."
Terra nodded, understanding. "It's early yet. Give this a chance. Kairi will be here soon. When she arrives you'll have an important work to do. Something that should lift your spirits and give you something to be proud of. And with a bit of luck, maybe we can make you start believing again."
Aqua nodded slowly. "…Maybe. I wish that."
"Do you… do you think I really should be the one to train Kairi?" She decided to ask, surprising Terra again.
"What? Of course you should. What kind of talk is that?" He said.
"But what if I do it wrong? What I was taught didn't prevent my fall. Not in the end. What if the lessons I have to pass on make her repeat my mistakes? What if I end up creating another me?" She said.
"Another you? We should hope so." Terra responded.
"Huh?" Aqua asked, raising her eyebrows.
"You give yourself far too little credit. Aqua, you are one of only three keyblade masters we have. And before you say it's just a title, you have the skills to back it up. In terms of magic you're probably the best we've got. Better than I am that's for sure. And you're more learned too. I mean I never had the patience for all that book stuff. Honestly Kairi is fortunate to become your pupil. Anything you teach her will be a precious gift." He told her.
Despite herself Aqua chuckled. "Flatterer."
"It's the truth." He countered. "And keep in mind you fought as one of the Seven Guardians of light. You helped us win that fight. And someone who would not have been up to the task would not have been allowed to take part. Too much was at stake then. So whatever you might think of yourself, you are considered worthy. All of us know it, and all of us believe that. So try to keep that in mind when you start feeling like you are not fit for this. And try not to worry too much. Teach her whatever you have to teach, be there when she needs you, and let her figure out her own way forward from there."
She became thoughtful. "Maybe… there is a way to make use of the mistakes I've made. She can learn from them, so she won't be like me, but better than me."
Terra smiled. "That's better. That's an actually constructive way to think about that."
Aqua returned his smile. "Yes. You're right. Thank you for helping me see that. And… I'm sorry."
"Sorry? For what?" He asked.
"For waking you. And… well… for dropping all this on you. I mean, here I am going on and on moping, day after day, and you are made to listen to all of it. I don't know how you can stomach it all, because honestly I get on my own nerves sometimes. You have the patience of a saint, I can't figure out where you got it all from.
"Now who is flattering who?" Terra said, and they both had a laugh over it.
"But seriously speaking, I think it's good to let these feelings out. Keeping them bottled up would just cause them to fester. I know a thing or two about that." Terra said.
"I sure wish I had had the sense to talk about my troubles in my time. Maybe in that cases I could have avoided the mistakes I made. Maybe then you would not have needed to try and save me. Maybe then you would not be having the problems you have now." He said then, his eyes downcast.
Aqua shook her head. "You know, the one thing I don't regret was trying to save you. That I would have tried even if I had known the true cost. But I do wish I could have been there for you. To listen to what you had to say. You needed sympathy and advice, and all I could offer was condemnation. I thought I understood what you were going through back then, but in reality I had no idea. Only now I've started to really understand."
Terra smiled. "Well… aren't we both a miserable pile of self loathing?" He said, and they both had a laugh over that too.
"Yeah… I guess we both have things we regret." She said.
"We do." Terra said with a nod. "But I've heard it that regrets… the mistakes we make… are the best way for us to grow. And like you said, maybe others can grow from them too, so they can be spared the pain."
"Mistakes are how we grow…" She mused. "Those are Eraqus's words aren't they?"
"And those of his grandfather. He told me that once. Only time he ever spoke to me of his family." Terra said.
"He said that to you? He told you more than he did me." She said.
"Yeah, he never seemed to like to talk about that. Even that one time was unintentional, something he just happened to mention one day before he caught himself. And that was all he ever said. Never even mentioned his grandfather's name." He said.
"I wonder if he had things he regretted too. Why else would he not want to speak of it?" He pondered.
"Hmmm." Aqua hummed. "…I miss him." She then said.
"Aye. I do too." Terra admitted quietly.
A silence descended between them, both of them lost in their own thoughts for a time.
"You know… if you feel like you can…. we probably should go back to sleep. There's still several hours before morning. And we have a busy day ahead of us. Kairi's due to arrive tomorrow after all." He finally ended the silence.
"…Aye. We probably should." She said. But instead of lying down she then stood up and walked around her bed. Instinctively Terra made room for her as she sat down on his mattress next to him. His train of thought had been left in complete shambles by that simple action. He could only sit there, waiting for her next move.
"…I'd like for us to talk for a bit longer though, if you don't mind. None of this heavy stuff. Not the doom and gloom we have to deal with. Little things. Silly things. Happy things from before everything was so damn complicated. Whatever comes to mind." She told him.
She lay down and closed her eyes. "Just for a little while. Until sleep comes. Maybe the nightmares won't come at all then."
"...Okay." He said, voice full of sympathy. He lay down as well, and began to tell her of the first memory from their shared childhood. They continued to chat that way until they finally drifted off to sleep again, this time managing to make it till morning without interruptions.
