The way to dawn and the path forward

"So you wish to go with Lauriam and Elrena to Scala?" Terra asked of Ventus. It was now several days after the episode between Elrena and Kairi. The training for the day was done, and they all had settled down to relax and prepare an evening meal. Ventus thought this was a good time to broach the subject of his return to Radiant Garden, taking Terra and Aqua to the side to have the discussion.

"Yeah. I want to see the monument to Ephemer. And I'm hoping the city's records about Skuld and Brain. It the best place to look for that kind of information. Lauriam and I… we need to find out what happened to them. They were our friends." Ventus said.

"I know you might still be a little uneasy about letting me go with them. But I know Lauriam. He is one of my oldest friends. I know he can be trusted. As much as I can trust you two." He added.

Aqua considered, grasping her chin. "Well… if that is really how you see it… then for my part I'm okay with it." She said.

Ventus blinked. "Wait a minute. Just like that? No questions to ask and no convincing needed?"

"There might have been before. But the more time has passed the more Lauriam and Elrena have proven themselves. I'm more certain every day that they're on our side. And frankly… at the moment we have done harm to them than they have done to us. We are not in a position to complain." She explained.

"If you believe you can trust them, then so can I." She said in conclusion.

"I can agree with that." Terra concurred. "That said it might still be better if you don't agree to any detours. Scala ad Caelum, then Radiant Garden. Nowhere else."

"Yeah, I wasn't planning on going anywhere else either." Ventus said.

"And if you could send us a message when you get to Radiant Garden it would alleviate any lingering worries we might have." Aqua suggested.

"Sure." Ventus nodded.

"We probably won't be going anywhere for a while though. We have things to do here. But Lauriam will be glad to hear you've given your permission. I'll tell him later this evening." He continued.

"Okay." Aqua said. Then she paused to consider something. "By the way, when you go to Scala… you can tell Mickey about my… my health. And if he wants to inform Yen Sid… he may."

"Are you sure?" Ventus asked, turning serious.

Aqua nodded, and sighed. "They're both going to hear about it sooner or later. So maybe it's better to just get it over with."

"Okay. I'll tell him." Ventus said quietly.

Aqua nodded again.

Ventus went on his way, leaving Terra and Aqua by themselves.

"So… it's done then." Terra said.

"Yeah… so it is. For better or worse." Aqua replied.

"Worried?" He asked.

"A little." She admitted. "I have no idea what is going to happen now."

"Yen Sid is not unreasonable. He'll understand." He reassured.

"Hmm. I hope so." She replied, not sounding entirely convinced.

"Well… since there isn't much we can do about it until we hear from him, it's probably best we don't tie ourselves in knots before then. We'll take care of it when the day arrives." He suggested.

Aqua nodded her agreement. That would be for the best, even though it would take some doing to put it out of her mind.

"So how are things with Kairi?" He asked.

"Well enough. Today was the last day she was assigned extra work. So it's business as usual from now on with her." She said.

"Quite a thing, this incident between Kairi and Elrena. We are fortunate that things didn't end worse than they did." She added. "It does seem like there are still some lingering tensions among us. I had rather hoped we could have set them aside by now. Not yet it seems. But maybe things will improve now. Kairi at least looked spooked enough that she won't be repeating this mistake. And oddly enough she seems to have been getting along with Elrena a bit better since then. Hopefully a sign of things to come."

"We can hope. At least I'm glad you've buried the hatchet with Naminé." He said.

"Oh. She has mentioned that to you?" She asked.

"She didn't need to. It was easy enough to see the mood between you has improved. I'm just glad it happened." He said.

"Admittedly it wasn't much of a fight to begin with. Not when only I was angry with her and she was not angry back." Aqua said. "And… I was in the wrong. I had no business lashing out at her like that when she was only trying to help. No matter how radical her suggestion was."

"Have you… given any thought to her idea?" Terra asked.

She shook her head. "I'm still undecided about that. Which I suppose counts as progress given I was dead-set against it earlier."

"I know on some level that what she and the rest of you are saying makes sense. There is an underlying logic there, even if I didn't see it at first. But… even then… it's still far from easy for me. Not only does that go against everything I know, but also… when I try picturing going through with it… facing down the Phantom, taking her into myself, making her power my own… it just chills me to the bone." She explained.

"If just thinking about her frightens me this much, how am I meant have the courage to conquer her? If I don't have it in me… then trying something like this will only doom me that much faster." She continued to contemplate.

"Can I ask you… how did you do it in your time? You've had this same struggle. In a different manner maybe, but at its core the same one. And somehow you won and brought your darkness under control. How did you manage it? What's the secret?" She asked.

Terra grasped his chin, thinking. "For me… I just eventually came to a realization. That whether light or darkness ruled my heart, there was one thing that would not change. That I would want to keep you and Ventus safe. If darkness was what I needed to do that, then I was willing to pay the price. I think that's the trick to it. Riku has also spoken of having *the strength to protect what matters*. He never realized it, but that was about the first lesson he ever taught me. When you have a goal that you want with all your heart, it can override darkness's ability to control you."

"So that's why you dare to make use of the darkness." Aqua contemplated.

He nodded. "I take that darkness and channel it to defeat the things that would destroy what I cherish. The things that are my light. When you use darkness like that… it isn't quite as dark. Elrena once told me that what we love is what we can't bear to lose. If that is truly the case then perhaps the darker feelings that come from that love aren't such a terrible thing after all. These feelings, both light and dark, are a natural halves of the same thing. After all, if I didn't care, why would I be afraid of something bad happening to you? Or feel anger towards people that would try to hurt you? Once I understood that, there was a measure of peace for me."

"And in all this you weren't at all worried that darkness would corrupt you? That it wouldn't twist these wants into something horrible and turn you against the things you wish for? If there is light and darkness in everything, then anything can be taken and warped into something nightmarish. That possibility doesn't scare you?" Aqua asked.

He shook his head. "Not while you and Ven are still here. As long as I have that light I have a counterbalance. My darkness protects my light, and my light keeps my darkness from growing out of control and consuming me. Keeps on the straight and narrow. And so there is a symmetry. A harmony. I just have to make sure I don't lose sight of what's truly important. And I have all my friends to help me do just that. And that much is also true for you."

"But your darkness isn't expressed like mine is. You don't have this… thing inside you that could at any moment take control away from you." Aqua said in bitter contemplation.

"No. I don't. Not as something separate from myself. But I have had that same fear of losing myself you do. Which I suppose is the real thing all of us fear about the darkness. None of us want to just turn into someone else." He said.

"…I hope you can see that the Phantom is a bit of a deception." He added.

"A deception?" Aqua asked, cocking her head.

Terra nodded. "What Naminé found out about the Phantom confirms that. She is a piece of your own heart that has gone awry. She exist as something separate from you… because that's how you perceive her. How you perceive your darkness. The moment you choose to change your mind about that… she will cease to exist. Ultimately her power over you is an illusion; one that will evaporate when you end the divide in you."

Aqua crossed her arms, looking into the distance. "An illusion…? It doesn't feel like it. She doesn't feel like a deception. She feels real. Terrifyingly real. And terrifyingly strong. If Kairi wasn't here she'd come out and… I'd lose. I'd lose almost instantly. You've seen that. And I'm somehow meant to turn this around?"

Terra stepped closer, standing in front of her, putting his hands on her shoulders. "And you can. You just need to see things from a different angle."

She bowed her head. "I hear you. But even so…"

"You believe in me. Ven believes in me. Kairi and Elrena, and all the rest of you believe in me. But… all the same… I sometimes have a hard time believing in myself. I want to. I want it so bad. And I do try." She said.

"You have been there for us." Terra pointed out.

"Sure. I put on a brave face and carry on. Because you need me to do my part. And because if I don't have other things to focus on the only thing I can think about is the thing slowly eating me up inside. I do my best to be strong for the rest of you. But I feel like such a fraud doing so. Like I'm trying to fool someone. Maybe myself." She countered.

"Then… are you sure you're not distracting yourself because you're trying to run away from the problem?" He asked.

"Huh?" She asked, not getting his meaning.

"It took you a long time to admit this problem to me and Ven. And a lot longer to tell anyone else about it. And before you had to speak out you did go to great lengths trying to make sure no one found out about it. Some time ago you mentioned that you did that because you wanted this problem to go away on its own. Maybe some part of you never stopped wanting that. Maybe you're giving yourself all this work because it gives you license to forget the Phantom exists for a while. Like it has gone away already. But doing that doesn't really fix it. It just postpones things. Which is why the problem always resurfaces sooner or later." He explained.

"I don't say this to be mean. I just think it's worth giving some thought to. Because if that is the case… maybe some thigs need to change." He added.

"That…" Aqua breathed. His word stung, but even so she could not bring herself to argue against them. Too much truth in them. "But I can't just stop what I'm doing. The work I do is needed. Kairi has made it very clear she wants me to train her, no one else. And… I do need things to do. It won't help anything if the Phantom is all I can think about."

"Sure. And I don't really mean you should give up on you responsibilities. But don't let that be the reason you don't pursue a real solution. Keeping busy is treating the symptoms. We need to get deal with the source. Again, I'm sorry… but I have given this some thought, and I have to give voice to my concerns." He told her.

She was quiet for a time. "…From time to time harsh truths are necessary. They taste bitter, but I've heard that effective medicine never tastes good. Maybe its better that people don't tell me just what I want to hear." She finally said.

"You've certainly given me a lot to think about. And I promise to do as much. But… choosing to accept my darkness is not a decision I can do today. I need more time." She continued.

"Then we will do our best to help you get that time. Just… don't take too long, ok? One day this choice has to be made." He said.

"Choice." She repeated, then huffed bitterly. "Some choice that is. Get overwhelmed by the Phantom or take the darkness for my own. And if mess up the latter I'll end up taken over anyway. That's not a choice, it's an ultimatum. And that's what I hate about all of this. I feel like there are only bad options in front of me. I just wish I had some third option to consider. I think I'd pick just about anything if it could get me out of this…."

There was a pause before Terra answered. "…And I wish I had some other solution to offer you. But… I haven't been able to find anything. I'm sorry." He said.

"You don't have to be. Not for this… or for keeping my secret as long as you did." She replied.

Terra blinked. Had she really been able to deduce that he was feeling bad about that just by looking at him?

"That was my choice. You did nothing wrong by respecting that. I was the one that insisted you not to speak out. If it is a mistake, then it is mine. And if there are consequences… then that's on me too." Aqua continued.

"Aqua…" Terra began to say.

"No. You're right. I have been running away. Hiding the existence of the Phantom from you, from everyone else… even myself. Only admitting to the truth when forced by circumstances to do so. At every opportunity putting myself into this fantasy reality where I have already won and I don't have to worry about a thing. First I did it to deny the problem even exists. Then to postpone taking the action that absolutely terrifies me. And maybe that really does need to change. A part of me wants it. Wants to turn around and face the Phantom for better or worse. Even if I lost, at least I'd have tried. I just need to find a way to be brave enough first." She carried on.

"It's just… I'm so tired Terra. So desperately tired. Tired of the Phantom. This weight in my heart that just never goes away. And this crazy reality that just won't stop messing with us. Just how many years we have been struggling for? And how much longer are we meant to keep living like this? Because it seems to me there is always some new threat. Why are all my battles unending?" She admitted.

He looked at her with eyes of sympathy. "Come here." He then said, taking her into a hug.

"You can end the fight within you. You can. Keep on trying to find that courage in you. It's somewhere within you, if you just seek it. And please… don't give up. For me. I can't… I don't want to lose you." He told her.

A moment of silence.

"I wouldn't want to inflict that on you either. I don't want that to be how this ends. Never that." Aqua said then.

"…Thank you, by the way. For thinking me as your light." She added.

She turned her face up, looking into his eyes. "You're my light too. More every day. More than just… friends. I need you to know that."

Returning her gaze, he nodded slowly. Any worry she had of saying too much was erased by the look in his eyes. Continuing to embrace, their eyes closed and their foreheads touched.

"Thank you…" Terra said quietly.


"So you're saying it was done under your orders? I never actually realized that. I assumed Axel had been acting on his own. Or doing the bidding of the Organization." Lauriam asked of Isa.

"Though in hindsight I suppose I should have expected as much. You two did join the Organization together, and you and Axel always did seem to have your own clique in much the same way Elrena and I did." He added.

"Yes, though Roxas and Xion… did change things quite a bit. At the time I didn't approve of them getting between us, and mistreated them for it. It caused something of a rift between Axel and me. But maybe it was for the best that that rift did happen. I had lost my way. And our disagreement allowed Lea to break with the organization and set all of us free in the end. I have cause to be grateful for that." Isa said.

"Have you admitted as much to them?" Lauriam asked.

Isa nodded. "I have. Like all of us, we have been trying to set the record straight about our past. To make amends where we need to. Let's just say there have been very long, very difficult discussions between all four of us."

"Yes. We have all had quite a bit of that. Not always easy, but it's the only way for us to move forward." Lauriam agreed. "And I suppose this is more of the same."

Isa nodded.

"So why was it done at all? What were you after when you made nobodies disappear?" Lauriam asked.

"We were looking for someone. Back in Radiant Garden we used to sneak into the castle there all the time. What can I say, we were both younger and rascals to boot." Isa said. "Anyway, back then we made a friend. A girl who was a test subject there. Xehanort's personal project in fact."

"She was a test subject? I've heard they did things like that in the castle… who was she?" Lauriam inquired.

"We never learned. She had lost her memory. She couldn't even remember her name. I suppose that why the folks in the castle were interested in her. They wanted to find a way to unlock her memories, to know who she was and where she had come from. The scientists called her Subject X, so X was what we called her too." Isa explained.

"We set out to rescue her of course. And we apprenticed ourselves to Ansem the wise to do it. But before we could she just disappeared one day. Xehanort staged his coup a short time later. We thought the best chance to find out what happened to her was to follow his Nobody. And so we agreed to become Nobodies ourselves. After that it became important to get as close to Xemnas as possible." He continued.

"And then you realized our plan to take over the Organization was a threat to that, so you decided to get rid of us at the first opportunity." Lauriam completed the thought process.

He chuckled. "It sounds like we were after very similar things. I only we had known. If we had talked with each other might have worked together instead of fighting over it. Then again maybe it was better that we didn't think to do that. We had lost our way too. Collaboration between us would have likely ended badly."

"I have to agree. It was... necessary… to have us defeated. I'm just pleased we got to come back as people afterwards." Isa said.

"They say destiny puts you right where you meant to be. Perhaps this is what they mean. Lauriam mused.

"Hm. Not much of a believer in fate. I just act as I see fit. That it all." Isa said.

"If there is such a thing as fate, then acting as you see fit is destiny in action. But I suppose the result is the same either way." Lauriam said.

"Did you find her by any chance?" He asked.

"Sadly no. Not a trace. Axel and I would probably still be looking for her, except we don't have a clue how to even begin. Plus these days we have Roxas and Xion in our care." Isa said.

"…And it has been necessary for me to take a break from that search, considering the kind of dark places it let me to." He added.

Lauriam nodded. "It can be a dangerous thing, that kind of exclusive focus. I suppose that for people like us obsession can be our greatest weakness. Yet I for one can't fault you for it. It's no different than what I have done. And for my part I have no intention of abandoning my efforts."

"Yes. Some people you just don't leave behind." Isa agreed. "I myself might pick up the search, if I came across a solid lead."

Lauriam considered. "You know, the mirror we are going to look for might work for you too. If it really knows all the answers, then perhaps it provide the clue you seek to you as well." He then suggested.

Isa grasped his chin, clearly intrigued. "Hmm… it's an interesting idea actually. I'll have to talk it over with Lea, see what he thinks about this. It might not be wise to get our hopes up for now, but if it works for you then I don't see why we couldn't make use of it too."

"Then Elrena and I can go ahead. If our plan works we'll let you know, so you can follow up with your own questions." Lauriam suggested.

Isa nodded. "Deal."

That was when Ventus returned to camp.

"Ven." Lauriam greeted. "How did it go?"

"I got the permission to go with you. Only to Scala and Radiant Garden though." Ventus replied.

Lauriam smiled. "That's great. Then we will be able to get going as soon as we like."

"Did it take a lot of doing to convince them?" He asked.

"No. That's the funny part. I had this long list of arguments at the ready and it turns out I barely even needed them. I just had to agree to keep them updated. And the *no detours* rule." Ven said.

"Hmm. I guess we have their trust now. Long enough road to get here. But I'm glad it happened." Lauriam mused.

"Come on. It's almost time for food. We should go lend a hand." He said. Ven and Isa nodded and followed him back to camp

"Roxas, just what do you think you're doing with those fish?" Elrena asked.

"I, uh… it's nearly time for food. We caught these earlier and I… we thought they might be our supper." He answered, slightly confused by the question.

"Alright, fair enough. But in that case at least give them the dignity of being properly prepared. What you're doing is just atrocious." She said. "Come on. Step aside and I'll show you how to do it properly."

"Um... I…" Roxas mumbled, giving Lea and Xion a hesitant look, receiving a collective shrug from both of them.

"I think it would be a good idea follow her lead on this one. I have a hunch this is something she knows a thing or two about." Lauriam commented.

"No need to look so frightened, Roxas. I won't bite. So here's what you want to do…" Elrena continued.

The day continued on, everyone eventually settling down for supper. Terra and Aqua showed up considerably late, but very few comments were made. They deserved their private moments.