Empathy
When Crane and Patterson arrived at sick bay Doc opened his mouth to remonstrate but before he could utter a sound Crane lifted his hand in an abrupt gesture of deflection and snapped out a severe and commanding, "Don't start, Doc." He carried on into the ward and sat down by Chip's bunk daring Doc to be the irresistible force to his immovable object.
Doc closed his mouth and eyed Crane assessing the Captain as he parked himself.
Patterson walked over to Doc. Doc looked questioningly at Patterson and tipped his head toward the Captain asking if he was okay. Patterson compressed his lips and gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head.
The two men continued to commune silently. Patterson marvelled at how the Doc could hold long meaningful conversations without saying a word. He'd seen it happen several times. Right now the Doc already knew just by looking searchingly into Patterson's eyes that the Skipper was not okay, that Patterson had brought him here from the Admiral's quarters, and that the Admiral had reamed him out but good. Pat thought that was amazing and wondered what other magic the Doc was capable of. But he already knew, Doc could convince one of his empathy, compassion, and caring without saying a word either.
Several hours later as the day up above the ocean surface was dawning Doc arrived at Nelson's cabin and stopped outside. He dropped his head, sighed then straightened up, knocked, and waited for the Admiral's voice before entering.
"Sir, I wish you would come down to sick bay. The Captain is there, just sitting. He's been there all night, he won't leave, and he's exhausted, sir." He met Nelson's eyes and an understanding passed between them.
Nelson humphed softly the tension was gone and he was not feeling too proud of himself now. "So you want to sic my stars on his oak leaf? He asked with a slight frown.
"Well, I'm not sure if that's exactly what's needed, sir. Scuttlebutt has it that something to that effect has already happened."
Nelson grimaced and nodded. "I laid into him pretty hard."
Doc grimaced in response and made his respectful recommendation very hesitantly. "Perhaps a quiet word, sir?"
Nelson looked at Doc's eyes searching for what the Doc meant. "That bad?"
"He looks defeated, sir," Doc paused then carried on, "and he's exhausted. I tried to convince him to get some rest but he's a bit stubborn."
"Just a bit?" Nelson scoffed than sighed sadly and stood up. "I need to fix this. He didn't deserve what I said to him earlier. I'll come down."
"Thank you, sir." Doc nodded sadly in appreciation.
Nelson stood looking into quiet sick bay. The lowered lighting gave the usually cold, sterile room a soft look. Nelson could only see Lee's back, as he sat in a chair by Chip's bunk, bent forward elbows on knees, his forehead cradled in the heels of his hands, his fingers lost in the dark curls of his hair. He looked desperately forlorn and alone. Nelson's heart ached to see that desolate misery.
"Lee?" Nelson's voice soft as he stepped to Lee's right side. He heard a soft sniff.
Lee's head lifted from his hands and he turned his head away from the voice. Nelson politely ignored the quick swipe Lee took of his knuckle to first one eye then the other. Knowing it was the Admiral, Crane had also started to stand as he was still in Nelson's bad books but Nelson placed his hand on his right shoulder to keep him seated.
"Easy, Lee."
"Sir, I'm sorry I'd didn't notice you arrive." Crane said formally as he shifted uneasily in the chair.
Once again Nelson spoke, "Easy, Lee."
He pulled over Doc's rolling stool and sat beside his Captain, both men looking at Morton where he lay covered with a warm blanket.
"Lee I'm sorry I tore a strip off you. You didn't deserve it."
"I did deserve it, sir. I knew you wouldn't like my decision but I did it anyway. My fault, sir."
Nelson humphed. Lee was taking responsibility … again. That didn't surprise him at all.
Nelson's voice was unusually soft, "I was worried." That didn't justify harsh words but it explained them.
Crane nodded gently. "I know." He did know. He understood the Admiral well. "Thank you, sir." Glad the Admiral cared enough to worry.
They sat in silence for a while looking at Chip.
After a bit Nelson offered some consolation. "Doc says he'll be okay."
Lee leaned forward again to dejectedly rest his forearms on his thighs. "Yeah. I know."
The two men sat silently.
After a while the Admiral spoke. "Lee, if you know he'll be okay why are you here? By my calculation you haven't seen your rack in well over two days."
There was no immediate answer but Nelson was willing to wait. There must be some greater reason for the uneasiness so visible in Lee's posture.
After a while Lee sat up straighter and briefly glanced sidelong toward the Admiral then looked at Chip again. The Admiral continued to wait in compassionate silence.
When Crane finally spoke it was with a question of his own. "How does he do it, sir? How does he sit here so calm and wait when … " His voice faltered to a stop.
Before the Admiral had a chance to formulate an answer Lee spoke again, "I was thinking about all he went through ashore. About the uncertainty, and fear, and pain. But, sir now I'm sitting here and I'm sick with worry for him and it's killing me … " He heaved a great sigh that seemed to wrack his whole frame.
"I'm sitting here not moving but inside I am frantic," his arms came up gesturing urgently but without focus, "I want to scream, and shout, and bash those bastards … I could have lost him." With that he jerked to his feet and paced unsteadily on stiff, unwilling legs to the end of sick bay, stopped, rubbed his hand over his head, then turned and came back to look at Chip.
After a few moments he schooled himself and sat down carefully, easing down with a soft, grieving sigh.
Nelson sighed to himself. At least Lee wanted to bash the bastards the cause of the injury not Chip the cause of the worry. He needed to learn how to do that.
The two men sat side-by-side quietly for a few moments.
"Lee there is more than one kind of pain. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, just reminding you."
Crane compressed his lips and nodded wordlessly.
"All too often you are in that bunk right there in pain. Physical pain and yes the emotional pain of seeing, hearing, experiencing too much horror. You know that pain, accept it, and deal with it when it comes."
Nelson paused and took a deep breath then let it out in a slow soft sigh, knowing that Lee would understand that what he was about to say came from the depths of very private experience. "Not as often you sit here on this side looking at someone in that bunk and feel another pain. The pain of caring for someone who means a lot to you. The pain of knowing you couldn't stop it, couldn't take the hurt for yourself." Nelson took a breath knowing he had revealed something but soldiered on. "You sit here in that kind of pain and wait." Nelson paused and glanced sidelong at Lee for just a moment.
"You are not one who waits easily, Lee. You are a man of action. You lead from the front of the lines. I saw that in action on your first mission with Seaview. You took the dive team out yourself when I would have kept you aboard as too valuable to risk. You went yourself to find Dr. Wilson and Malone not wanting to risk your men when it was quite probable you wouldn't return. You chose action. You assumed the risk. You still choose action. That's who you are."
Lee shifted fretfully beside him ready to interrupt at Nelson's pause but the Admiral placed his hand momentarily on the Captain's shoulder. "No, please hear me out, Lee." Crane sat still.
"You serve to the best of your ability and that is a very considerable ability indeed. Chip is also a man of action, but as your Executive Officer he is the one that tends your boat, keeping it for your return when you take on those oh-so-active endeavours. He has learned a lot about waiting, the heartache of waiting, the uncertainty, and the pain. Waiting for your return and all too often waiting right here in sick bay after your return. He's learned the fine art of turning the waiting itself into a dignified act of service."
Nelson paused and murmured reflectively, "I could learn a lot from Chip."
Nelson stopped while forming the next comments in his mind.
"I think, although I don't know all the thoughts in your head, I think you value him for waiting. I think you know his service is, at times, a service of waiting."
"Of course it is, sir. I would never say otherwise. Knowing he's here looking after my boat gives me hope. Brings me home." Crane acknowledged. "It's just this time I thought he would enjoy … " He had thought Chip would like a change, a walk in the woods. He thought back to the joyful start of the hike. "Oh god what was I thinking? I feel so useless waiting here."
His head turned away again as the back of his cuff sought his eyes.
Nelson kindly looked away to give his friend some privacy as he sought for something of comfort to say then spoke again. "I understand that. Many people through the ages have felt that. Felt useless. Felt the pain and frustration of uselessness."
Nelson thought for a moment. "It puts me in mind of a poem by John Milton. He lost his sight and felt useless because of that. His words, crafted so carefully and truly, about that regret, have resonated with many. Let's see if I can remember, … " Nelson tipped his head glancing upward at the overhead as he sought the words from memory. "Mm, hmm
'… thousands at his bidding speed,
And post o'er Land and Ocean without rest:
They also serve who only stand and wait.'
"Lee, that describes the contrast that is you and Chip." Nelson stopped and turned to look at his Captain, taking in that sad profile. "I know it isn't what you want, to be the one waiting this time, especially as Chip is the one who does it so well, but … you can bear it … can serve in the waiting."
There was dead silence for a while then, "Yes … Yes, sir, I can." Crane mentally shouldered that challenge as he had shouldered Chip, turned his head toward Nelson. "Thank you, sir."
Nelson patted his shoulder again. After a few more moments of silence, "Lee, I suggest you do more than one thing at the moment. You hit your rack; you can sleep while you wait. Serve in that way. I'll watch here for a while. Then Chief Sharkey will watch a while. The Chief has a list of men who want to share this watch. Chip won't be alone and you know he'd want you to rest. We'll all share the waiting. You go get some sleep."
"Aye, sir." Lee quietly sighed a long drawn out sigh of regret, of grief for Chip's pain, of gratitude for the Admiral, of exhaustion.
He carefully eased himself up and slowly walked to the doorway. There he paused and looked back. His two best friends were right here. Here on his boat. It would be well. With gratitude in his heart he plodded wearily to his cabin, to rest, and wait in hope.
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