AN: I want to preface this by saying I absolutely hate the trope of 'oH i DiEd AnD mEt A rOb AnD hE gAvE mE tHrEe WiShEs AnD nOw I hAvE 42 gIrLs In My HaReM aNd Im SuPpEr OvErPoWeReD aNd I lOoK lIkE gOjO' I get why they do it though. You can do just about any combination of abilities if your character meets a god and asks for them.
I blame Konosuba for this.
If you're coming from Tales of Sprout (my other fic) don't worry, I don't have any plans of stopping that anytime soon. In fact I'm writing this to try and get more feedback from more people. It's a two birds, one kunai type deal.
If You're not coming from there and you're into Dragon Ball fics, then you should take a look. First chapter is rough ngl, but I'd like to think I did a good job on the other chapters.
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Out of every possibility for what could come after death, I just figured that we just stopped existing. It was a grim thing to believe in. Unfortunately nobody could convince me of anything without a good argument and evidence. Logically I knew that after life there were an infinite number of things that could happen.
Among those infinite possibilities, I didn't expect to 'wake up' in some Good Place knockoff.
The room was similar to the waiting rooms at a small hospital. It is a small, rectangular space with as many chairs lining the wall as possible. That was about everything that could be considered normal about the room.
The front desk had no one working at it. There wasn't anything on the walls to indicate what exactly I was waiting for. No clock, no calendar, nothing that even hinted at this place having any kind of life.
There was just a poster of a cat hanging from a tree. The same one that was everywhere in movies and television, but I somehow never saw them in real life. Hang in there indeed.
I tried looking over the front desk to see if there was anything back there. I couldn't reach anything, but I did see that the computer was on and running solitaire.
While propped up on the counter I saw that there was still nothing in terms of decoration. There were only some filing cabinets and the computer.
"I must've done some bad shit in a past life to end up here after dying." I mumbled out loud.
It wasn't hard to figure out I was dead. You don't just fall off of the roof hanging Christmas lights and wake up in a room with no doors.
After trying, and failing, to reach for the mouse to play solitaire I decided to sit back down. I may have been willing to mess with the computer, but there is no way I'm pissing off whatever runs this place by climbing over the counter when I wasn't supposed to.
So, heeding the wise cat's words, I hung in there. And I kept hanging in there.
Just hanging in there…
I hate that cat.
After no time at all I decided that sitting and doing nothing isn't good for my mental health, so I did what I normally did when I was forced to wait. I got up and began to pace around the room.
In doing so I noticed the clothes I had on. The whole outfit was just solid black, something I hadn't noticed earlier because almost everything that I wore was black.
As I paced around the room my mind began to wander. I thought about questions like 'Why am I here? Is this hell? Purgatory? What's up with the cat? Why is the layout of this place designed like a waiting room? What exactly was I waiting for? What's up with the cat?'
I soon found my answer. In place of the chair I sat in when I woke up here there was a big, heavy wooden door that looked just as plain as the rest of the room. I realized that I could either wait here for something else to happen, or I could see what's behind the door.
I was tired of hanging in there.
The new room was the reverse of the previous one in terms of how normal it looked. After being alone in the freaky waiting room, seeing something normal was shocking.
It looked like one of those studies that rich people had in movies. Except this room was completely circular, with a singular, large wooden desk in the center surrounded on all sides by bookshelves. There were three books in a stack, with a single sheet of paper with a pencil in the center of the desk.
"Oh there's the weird thing." I said aloud while looking up. The room was entirely normal. It was normal except for the fact that there was no end to the book shelves. They just kept going up and up until they disappeared in what looked like fog.
I moved closer to get a better look at the books on the shelf. At first glance they looked like regular, leather bound books. Unfortunately they were anything but regular. When I got close I had to rub my eyes, because the words on the cover wouldn't stop moving.
Everything else I've seen could have been part of some sick joke. It wasn't totally outside the realm of possibility where I'd just woken up from a coma and someone was playing a prank in very poor taste. I'd seen things that looked more impossible at Disney than what I'd seen so far.
Flipping through the pages of the book put an end to all of those thoughts. The same shifting language on the cover was found inside the thing as well. Pages and pages of writhing text that no matter how I tilted the book, or tried to play with shadows it never stopped shifting.
Putting the book back on the shelf I made my way over to the desk. There were several things I failed to notice about the desk when I first walked into this room. The first thing was that the chair was probably the comfiest thing I'd ever sat in, even if the thing looked like it belonged to Victor Von Doom.
On the desk itself there was a large stack of books, a pencil, one of those oversized erasers that had the text 'For Big Mistakes!' printed on it, and… a survey?
The weird thing about the survey was that I could actually read. Well, the first question anyway. All of the other questions were in the same moving language; everything else seems to be in here.
'Origin:'
Now what the hell does that mean? It was just one word followed by a bunch of lines. The lines were obviously where I put whatever damn answer I'm able to come up with.
After about a minute the best I could come up with was that maybe it wanted the meaning of life. I mean I just died so it didn't feel like a bad guess, even if 'Origin:' was the most ambiguous thing I'd ever seen.
So I wrote down forty two. Either the paper didn't appreciate my humor or I was going about this wrong, because even though I double checked the pencil to see if it was sharpened the bastard wouldn't write anything.
After trying some other answers I realized I was probably interpreting the question wrong. No matter what I wrote down, the paper wouldn't accept my answer. Stubborn bastard. Forty two was funny.
After some more futile attempts I dragged my hand over my face and let out a large sigh. Puzzles are fun and all, but only when you feel like you have a chance to actually solve them.
I got up to look around the room again. It took a very long time, but I'd pulled on every single book that I could reach in hopes that some sort of secret passage would open up. The only thing I got from my search was that I couldn't read any of the books.
Defeated, I made my way to the desk to at least sit while I think. While sitting down however I saw something that I hadn't earlier. The book laying out the top of the stack on the desk had something different about it. Its words weren't moving.
Quickly I grabbed the book, and upon looking at the cover I felt like a grade 'A' dumbass. It read 'Origins'. It was hiding in plain sight.
With literally no other options I cracked open the book and hoped I'd be able to read the inside as well. Good news, I could. Bad news…
"Fuuuuuuuckin' hell man, seriously?" I asked out loud, dragging it out to slightly alleviate my growing frustration. Anyone with a brain would realize what Konohagakure meant inside of a book labeled Origins.
I'm going to Naruto. Yay.
A world where a single person can slaughter armies. Where kids are trained to kill long before they hit puberty. Where there's war every other Tuesday. And now that same world was going to be my new home.
"Fuuuuuck…"
I mean it's not all bad. I just hope the other sections of this questionnaire can give me a bit more than just choosing what county I'm born in.
Begrudgingly going back to the book I decided to read the thing front and back. It was an absolute slog. I thought there were just the five big villages. I didn't realize there were so many minor ones.
Overall the options were in depth, even if the information was a bit odd. Firstly there were no time periods listed anywhere in the book. Where in the timeline I end up seems to be completely out of my control.
Secondly the book listed every village and county. All of them. There's a huge difference between being born in the Land of Fire and being born in The Village Hidden in the Leaves. Really spoiled for choice.
Lastly, each entry in the book had a small blurb underneath it. It talked about their relationships with other villages, how rich in resources they were, how they treat bloodlines, and the potential dangers of living in that village.
Based on all that, my choices have already narrowed considerably. I went from around forty choices, to three. Konoha, Kumo, and Iwa.
If I have to go to Naruto I'm going somewhere that gives me the most benefits, meaning all normal countries and minor villages are out. So are Suna and Kiri. Suna for its lack of everything, and Kiri because anywhere with the moniker 'bloody mist' can't be good news.
Konoha's an obvious choice. The only dangers outlined by the book were Danzo and Orochimaru. Still worryingly dangerous, but surprisingly better than most options. Iwa was balanced all things considered. No particular dangers, but no real plus sides that are worth mentioning.
Kumo was a surprise addition to what I was considering. The information the book gave me described their obsession with kekkei genkai. Honestly I couldn't blame them. If someone I'm enemies with had something as busted as the sharingan then I'd also roleplay as Thanos and start collecting bloodlines like infinity stones.
If this survey goes in the direction I think it is then I'd probably have a very easy time in Kumo. There were three sections left and I'd bet at least one of them would provide a kekkei genkai.
The choice wasn't easy. If I hadn't known anything about the show, then Kumo would be the best choice. I know too much about Konoha to not pick it. I knew the general chain of events, as well as key people to either avoid or get close to.
With my choice in mind I wrote down my village of origin. After I did so, the next question became legible, as did the book underneath Origins.
Affinity.
I was pleasantly surprised when I read the next question. This whole situation is both in depth and step by step, something that didn't go unappreciated.
Picking up the book on nature releases, I noticed it was more like a magazine than a book.
'Makes sense.' I thought. There's only five of them.
Opening the book I was immediately proven wrong. I expected to see fire, water, earth, lightning, and air. Out of just those only fire had shown up. Everything listed afterwards was a mix of gibberish and stuff I could actually read.
Fire, Lava, Boil, Scorch, Plasma, and Dust release were the only options the book felt like giving me. I guess I can only pick something related to fire due to the village I picked. Annoying, but at least I can pick one of the combined releases.
'Going to Konoha with Dust release sounds like the worst thing I could do.' I thought to myself. At best Konoha would try to use me to study the strongest weapon of their enemy. Not all that bad, all things considered. At worst Iwa would stop at nothing to make sure I died. Despite currently being dead, it wasn't something that I particularly wanted to experience soon.
That left me with the other four combination releases. This was gonna be much harder than picking what village I'm from. Unlike then, I don't have a whole show's worth of meta knowledge to influence my decision.
The first one to go is plasma release. The information under each release lists people who became known for their skill in each nature transformation. For plasma release there wasn't a single person who became known for it. Leaving lava, boil, and scorch.
Unfortunately scorch is next to go. While it's probably one of the coolest and strongest nature releases, the fact is that it's entirely offensive. Meaning that it's impossible to use scorch release as some sort of defense. Not only that, but wind release is very rare in the land of fire. There wouldn't be a whole lot of information to help me in that case.
Lava release and boil release. Both had ups and downs, and both were coincidently utilized by Kiri's Mizukage to a high degree. Earth is a very defensive element. So in combination with fire, offense and defense are covered. While water doesn't excel at any one thing, it's versatile.
After some time had passed I ultimately went with lava release. The two were so even that it came down to personal preference. I just think lava is cooler.
Writing down my decision the next section appeared. It was something I thought would finally be an easy choice.
'Kekkei Genkai:'
Without even looking at the book I went to write down sharingan.
I'm sure anyone else would've done the same. At its lowest level it's enhanced perception and instant jutsu copying. Just that last part alone would make the most talentless shinobi into a force to be reckoned with. That's not even including the literal reality warping powers at high levels.
Well I would have written it down if the stupid piece of paper would let me. Like earlier it seemed to be the 'wrong' option somehow. That or it wasn't available for like most of the chakra natures.
Defeated, I actually picked up the new book and began to look through it. Most of the options were blocked to me. Some of the more interesting ones were being able to turn into smoke, and being able to turn into water. For a country that hated bloodlines they sure had a lot. They were all useful and worth considering, but they weren't as good as what I ended up going with.
'This dojutsu grants the wielder a number of abilities that revolve around perception. This includes viewing and hearing events from vast distances, clearly seeing through objects, and the viewing and tracking of chakra from vast distances.
The dojutsu has the ability to counter another's visual prowess as it can completely hinder the ability to see chakra and an individual's ability to overcome genjutsu.'
It was just part of the description with the rest blurred out. What I could read already made it worth it, but the possibility of more stuff cemented the choice in my mind.
The only reason I had that made me consider not taking the magic eyes was the fact they didn't have a name, but that just meant that it was probably completely unknown. Which meant I wouldn't have any other villages on my case because I had one of their clan's dojutsu. Plus I'd get to be the one to name it.
Writing down 'Unnamed Dojutsu Three' for this section, the fourth and final part cleared up.
'In shadows deep where secrets lie,
A prophecy of doom draws nigh.
The shinigami's wrath awakes,
For mortal soul the cycle breaks.
An intruder, lost and out of place,
Dares to defy the death god's grace.
Two paths unfold before the curse,
One of triumph, one far worse.
Through trials fierce and storms of night,
The mortal stands with steadfast might.
Calamities by death's hand hurled,
Yet courage blooms, resolve unfurled.
The shinigami's hate and ire,
Are met with heart's undying fire.
In final clash of life and death,
The mortal draws victorious breath.
The god of death, in awe, concedes,
And from the curse the soul is freed.
Ascendant now, beyond death's grasp,
The mortal's fate in light is clasped.
But if the soul in fear should fall,
Beneath the shinigami's thrall,
Disasters dark and shadows deep,
Will bind the soul in endless sleep.
Each trial breaks their will and way,
Till hope and strength both fade away.
The curse tightens, darkness claims,
The mortal lost to death's dark flames.
In voids of night, their essence weeps,
A ghostly echo that never sleeps.
A warning dire to those who seek,
To challenge death with hearts too weak.
Thus speaks the prophecy's decree,
Of fates entwined with mystery.
The shinigami's curse does tell,
Of heaven's light or shadow's fell.'
Before I could even understand what the poem meant, the sheet of paper had burst into flames.
I attempted to stand up, but when I tried my vision went sideways and I was hit with a wave of dizziness. I could do nothing but sit back in the chair. The only place I could look without my head swimming was straight into the fire, and it was staring into the fire that made me fully understood the warning.
I was not welcome.
"Fukushi. It's time to get up." A small boy said.
The human shaped lump on the small mattress didn't move an inch.
"Fukushi, if you don't get up, the Matron will have to wake you, and we both don't want that."
The lump only barely shifted. The movement was so small that I'd be imperceptible to most.
"I didn't want to do this, but you've left me with no other options." The boy said with a grin that he tried to hide.
*THUNK*
"Ow! Son of a fucking bitch that hurt." I said, teaching the children around me some colorful vocabulary.
A child stands over me, who presumably had made me fall from the top bunk.
"What the hell was that for you little sh- punk!" I yelled at him. Quickly I changed what I was going to say. Cursing around kids isn't something I liked to do.
The child, who gave me the weirdest sense of deja vu, looked at me like he was thoroughly unimpressed with my actions.
Once I stood up I noticed that he was just a tad shorter than me, with unruly brown hair and brown eyes. The most noticeable about him would be his slightly crooked nose, which he probably got from a fight.
"You know if we're late for breakfast again then we're gonna get stuck with dish duty, remember." The condescending twerp told me.
"Uh, of course I remember. Yeah let's go…dude." I fibbed. The last thing I remember were those flames. I definitely don't know anything about what I'm pretty sure is an orphanage. I don't know what else this place could be with considering the room full of child sized bunk beds.
The child had narrowed his eyes on me. "Yeah ok, sure. NOW you remember." He said. He grumbled under his breath, "Only took you two months."
I numbly followed the heated child. With barely a thought in my head I looked around the orphanage.
The place wasn't run down by any stretch of the word, but it really could have used a fresh coat of paint. The floors were squeaky, but there were no loose nails and it was well polished. It was an old place, but well taken care of.
Making our way down a flight of stairs, the asshole and I found ourselves to be the last people to arrive in the food hall, the place full of long tables and benches. Everyone else had already begun eating, but that didn't stop the boy next to me from grumbling.
Following the boy, we grabbed a plate of food and sat down at the only empty table in the whole room. The whole time I noticed that the other kids were giving us funny looks. Probably wondering how we made it to breakfast on time or something.
"Fukushi. Akira. It's nice to see you two troublemakers on time for once."
The sudden voice made me choke on the plain oatmeal. While fighting for my life the boy, Akira, responded for the both of us.
"Well when Fukushi actually decides to get up it's actually easy getting here on time Ms. Yamada." He said.
The woman let out a sound of understanding. It seems something like this happens a lot.
"Well it would be a shame for you to be late to breakfast on your big day, Akira." The matron told him. She then turned to me.
"And Fukushi, if you're going to try and sneak off to the academy at least don't get caught. It causes a lot of problems for us." Said Ms. Yamada.
At this point I felt like I should apologize. "Yes Ms. Yamada. Sorry Ms. Yamada" I droned out. She didn't seem particularly convinced, but pleased nonetheless.
"I know you're excited to be a ninja, but you just need to wait one more year. You can do that for me, right?" She asked me. I knew she was guilt tripping me, but it was working so I couldn't fault her. Especially when she was just doing her job.
"Ok." I said quietly. I don't even know where the building was, so I couldn't sneak in even if I wanted to.
Accepting my answer she stood up and went to a different table to check on all the other kids. It didn't even look like she was doing because it was her job. I think she just genuinely cares for the kids here.
"Earth to Fukushi, hello." Akira said while snapping his fingers in front of my face. "You're acting super weird today."
Looking at him I could tell he was trying not to look concerned. Instead he was trying to look like he was annoyed. I would have laughed at him if he wasn't just looking out for me.
"I'm ok, I just," I paused for a second, trying to think of a lie. "I woke up with a headache. I think it's because I didn't sleep as much as normal."
His face relaxed. "Oh ok. That's good."
The rest of breakfast was quiet. He was obviously thinking about stuff, and I didn't want to ask anything that might make things worse for me.
After breakfast most of the older kids formed a group around the matron. Akira went to join them, but wanted to tell me something first.
"Hey Fukushi. Try not to make anything weird happen again ok?"
The matron smacked him upside the head and I just gave him a thumbs up. What an odd way to say goodbye.
After the matron took the group of kids for their first day at the ninja academy one of the other workers, a man named Ryota, had all of the younger kids follow him. Taking a chance I followed him as well. I'm pretty sure the academy starts at five, meaning that I'm currently four. If the other younger kids were supposed to follow him then I probably was too.
I wasn't told to go somewhere else, so I probably was right. Eventually we were all brought to a classroom, based on the desks and decorations in the room.
There were name tags on all of the desks, which finally made me realize that I was illiterate now as I couldn't read a single thing.
Luckily for me I was at the back of the group and I sat in the only empty chair after everyone else had filed in.
"All right everyone," Ryota had said. "Welcome back. I hope you all are excited to start learning again." He got no cheers and some dirty looks for that remark.
The lecture didn't have much in the way of new material. He just talked about 'learning objectives' and what was expected of us in the classroom. After he briefly introduced what we would be doing today, he handed out some worksheets to everyone.
The class had gone terribly. For me, anyway. I could understand the words he was saying, but when I saw the worksheet I realized that I couldn't read a single bit of it. Not a single one of the three different written languages.
Fuck.
I don't know how long this class has been going for, but there was a clear difference between my ability and theirs.
For the worksheet I just copied what the kid next to me was doing. It worked, as when the teacher was coming around to check on us, I got a 'good job' from him. The kid wasn't that pleased though.
After the lecture and practice we were given our homework and told what we'd be doing next class. After that was over we were all free for the rest of the day.
I expected that I'd need to sneak out of the orphanage to try and find a library, or a bookstore. Anywhere there could be a workbook or something. I'll worry about not being able to read when I get there. Hopefully they'll have picture books.
Getting something from a bookstore without money was something I'd figure out later.
So it came as a surprise when I saw some kids just walk right through the front door. When I did the same I expected to be told to go back inside, but one of the workers only wanted to know how long I'd be gone for. I told them I was going to catch bugs, and that I'd be gone till evening. I didn't feel too great lying to them, but there wasn't any way I could go through this whole year faking how to read and write.
Now that I was outside I had only a rough idea on how to find what I'm looking for. I can't just ask willy nilly. If I ask someone who knows me, and I'm supposed to know where it is, then that would lead me to all sorts of trouble.
My plan is just to walk far away, then start asking for directions. It's inconvenient as shit, but I can't read so the only way I'm getting directions is from another person.
On my trip there was no shortage of cool stuff to look at. The buildings were incredibly varied. Some were circular while some were rectangular, and every shape in between. There were some as tall as six stories sitting next to a building with one story and a low roof.
Every building was unique. What was interesting was that none of them seemed to be dilapidated. Sure some of them could have used a fresh coat of paint, but overall it seemed every building was well taken care of.
After I walked about forty minutes I decided I was far enough from the orphanage to begin asking questions. There were a couple of stores scattered around me, so I just went into the nearest one to ask for directions. Who better to know where a specific shop is than another shop owner.
Sliding the thin door open, my nose was assaulted with a myriad of powerful smells. Looking around the shop I found the reason. Everywhere I looked it was covered in some sort of spice. Bulbs of garlic and other plants hung from the ceiling. Every wall had bottles, pouches, sacks, or some combination of three.
The narrow walkway didn't make the smell any better. It was like whoever designed this shop prioritized space for stock over space for customers. Spotting a middle aged lady with graying brown hair at the counter in the back, I walked over to ask for directions.
She only noticed me right as I was getting to the counter. Her smile grew wide when she saw me. She wore very expensive clothes, with rings on each finger and multiple bracelets on each wrist.
"Hello there, how can I help you young man?" She asked me. The greeting felt practiced, but genuine.
"Hi miss," I said. "Could you point the way to a bookstore? Or a library?" I really hoped she wouldn't ask questions. I didn't want to lie to a nice lady.
She tilted her head at the question, making her gaudy earrings clink. "Of course, but what do you need one of those for? Boys like you should be playing with friends outside."
"Aw, well," Thinking quickly I came up with something to tell her. "I'm really bad at reading and writing, so I want some workbooks to practice with." That was like ninety percent true. I just didn't tell her why I'm so bad.
She seemed to understand. "I see. In that case let me check something real quick." After saying that she disappeared past the curtain from behind her. It sounded like she went upstairs. I asked for directions didn't I? Was she getting a map?
After waiting for a few minutes I heard her come back down. When she passed through the curtain I saw that she was holding a rather big bag.
She let out a breath when she set the bag on the counter. Seeing my confused look she decided to explain just what exactly was going on.
"You see, my daughter never used the workbooks I bought her." She said "I actually had all of it bagged up to recycle, but then you came along so." And she shrugged her shoulders like that explained anything.
"So to be clear, you're giving that to me?" I asked, getting a nod back. "Why?"
That got a small chuckle out of her. "Besides not needing it? I figured that maybe you'd rather spend your money on something else." The way she said that last part made me feel like she knew I had nothing to my name.
After some polite back and forth about how I insisted she keep it, and she insisted I take it, she all but kicked me out of the store with the bag. Though not without giving me some directions to the library.
"That has got to be the meanest nice lady I've ever met." I thought to myself. Now that I had what I came for, I decided to walk around a bit more before heading back to the orphanage to practice.
When I made it back to the orphanage I decided to sneak around the back and find a spot to practice. I didn't want to take the chance that one of the adults would take my stuff because they thought I'd stolen it.
Making my way behind the building I actually found a big tree where I could hide all of my stuff. Climbing up to where the branches were there was a hollow that was big enough to put all of my stuff.
With my stuff now in a safe spot I made my way back to the front entrance. It'd probably look weird if I left out of the front and was found sneaking in through the back.
When I entered the orphanage I realized that I was gone a lot longer than I thought, as it was lunch time already. Grabbing a plate that had a sandwich and an apple I looked for a place to sit down. I was looking for the emptiest table because I really didn't want to deal with a bunch of kids while I ate.
Luckily for me the table that I sat at during breakfast was free again, so I ate my lunch there. Without Akira though it went by faster, but it was also kinda boring. It also made me more aware of the weird looks the kids kept giving me.
Was I a bully or something? Seriously, how can I have a problem with an entire building of kids?
Putting my dishes back I went outside to try and practice my literacy skills. If I didn't start now and try hard, then someone would figure something out.
Making my way to the big tree a rabbit jumped directly in front of me. Like not even two feet away from me.
"Awe, look at you little guy. You're adorable." I said, very man-like. The manliest thing anyone's ever said actually.
As I crouched down and definitely didn't coo at it, it actually got close enough for me to pet. "Well, aren't you soft," I told it. Then it merely looked at me before exploding into many rabbit bits. Covering me head to toe in clumps of fur, blood, and bits of organs.
Taking a moment to process that this rabbit just exploded right in front of me, I did what felt like the only option to me.
I ran away screaming my head off.
.
.
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AN: The first challenge! Learning how to read.
And now I completely understand why people use this trope. If a god is involved then the MC has the whole franchise to pull abilities from. It broadens the amount of cool combos you can see.
Still doesn't mean I like it.
Ultimately the goal of this story is to refine my writing skills. That's not to say I don't care about this story, I do. I feel like some of my bigger problems are writing character arcs, power creep, and pacing. I really want to improve my writing, so as long as the criticism is valid I don't care how brutal you sound. If it sucks I want to know.
Anyways like, comment, subscribe, or whatever. I'm not the boss of you.
P.S-
Making a Japanese name is hard. I spent a lot of time on it, mostly trying to make sure that it didn't end up as a 'Kira-Kira' name, but I don't know shit about Kanji so I don't know how well I did. If you want the kanji it's 福死 Fukushi (Lucky Death, Blessed Death) I tried my best with it, so I hope it's not terrible.