AN: Thank you for leaving me your thoughts in a review.
Chapter 24 - Love Part I
She threw off the towels, putting on the very large clothes he'd given her.
A struck of discomfort hit her upon remembering something...
Something about... her post.
Something that she wrote online.
It flashed before her eyes. Everything, all of it-
No!
She grabbed a toothbrush and toothpaste, starting to brush her teeth. It was Bella's way of distracting herself. It was an electronic toothbrush. She never brushed her teeth electronically before. She sort of enjoyed the quick process. Why had she never thought of brushing her teeth electronically before?
She spat and rinsed the toothbrush-
"Did you just use my toothbrush?"
While the toothbrush remained in the constant flow of water, she felt her head snap towards the entrance of the bathroom again.
Edward...
That night...
Her online post...
"It's- I was- what's wrong?" she said, having a terrible mind fog.
She had puked in the shower...
She really felt the need to brush her teeth.
Oh!
"You think it's disgusting?" she said, without waiting for his answer. "I'm sorry... I was... I didn't really think."
God, her mind error was killing her.
"You can just grab a new brush, right?" she asked uncomfortable. "These things are disposable, right? I think?"
Whatever was happening, Edward looked as if he was having his own mental turmoil. At the same time she wondered that perhaps he didn't have any new replacement brushes.
Plan B.
She switched the tap to hot water.
"Or I'll rinse it with boiling water?"
The water produces steam as she let the hot water burn the brush.
"I mean if you're germophobic, you could even disinfect it with alcohol."
Once he again didn't respond, she tried to find out what he was thinking or feeling.
He only had his eyebrows slightly raised, and he seemed amused.
Oh god, that meant he was mad again.
He was going mad.
Why didn't Bella think before doing something?
"I'll get you a new one, okay?" she said, desperate.
She turned the tap off and place the toothbrush back in place.
"Bella, I'm not germophobic."
He started stepping closer to her, making her grow uncomfortable at whatever was happening right now.
"Don't worry about it," he said quietly.
She crossed her arm, feeling defensive but mainly, unsafe.
Perhaps they shouldn't go anywhere. Perhaps she was misplaced. Perhaps they were not supposed to be together right now.
"I shouldn't be here, should I?" she said, raising her eyes to Edward.
It wouldn't end well.
There was a catch.
"How did we get here?" she asked. "I'm not supposed to be here."
The deals never made sense.
She'd have to take a gun to end herself.
Her head was pounding and the leeches were trying to eat at her brain.
What's happening?
That feeling of danger consumed her body.
"I have to go..." she whispered, her mind going darker by the second.
"How can I supposed let you go while there's terror in your eyes?"
Her teeth clattered from her trembling body. Who was she trying to fool, anyway?
She'd never be able to fool James.
"I can't let you go when you're not even close to being in reality, Bella," he said gently. "Did this happen because of that toothbrush? Don't you remember, from our night?"
She was listening. She just wasn't sure what the words meant. They sounded far away.
"That night at my place, you used my toothbrush as well, remember? You did it so carelessly, almost like a habit. As if you'd been with me for forever."
She faintly remembered a toothbrush, not electronic like this one, but she remembered something...
No, no, no, all lies and-
She didn't want to be here anymore. She didn't want to hear these words. She couldn't feel that pain again.
"Do you remember, Bella?
The memories were there, so vivid...
But also so very vague...
Ruined, by James.
Everything should have ended.
"Are you with me again?" he asked softly.
Why did he sound so kind?
She wanted his anger.
That's what she preferred.
His anger meant she could bypass James.
That would help her in this process of finding relief through death.
This would never end well.
In the end...
Bella would die.
"T-That night- it meant nothing- to me," she stuttered.
Why didn't those green eyes look angry?
They were supposed to be vivid and hating her.
He was supposed to hate her.
"I gotta go-"
She was going to vomit.
She began walking away from him.
"Are you okay when I touch you like this? Tell me if you're not."
She froze.
Edward wasn't touching her.
Not right now, though.
"Because I won't take pleasure from this if you're not okay."
That voice, those words, it was that of a haunting memory of so long ago.
It happened that night.
He said those words on that night.
It was their memory.
Was she shaking?
Right now, or then?
"Would it comfort you to know that I'm a little nervous myself right now? But I feel so honored that you want this, with me."
Those words...
Oh, no, no, no, no, no-
Bittersweet tears fell from her eyes.
She couldn't look at him.
Through his words, she saw and relived their night.
She knew what had happened next.
Her first real sex.
His gentle words.
The reason why it all happened.
The connection.
It had been tempting to be repeated.
This had to stop, he had to stop immediately right-
Because he's a CEO-
He owns everything.
She's just...
A nobody.
Meaning...
It meant... it could only mean one thing, right?
Oh, God.
He owned her.
She dried her eyes with her fingers, tried to ease her sobs.
She found his eyes, wishing he would stop. Wishing his mouth would stop speaking.
"That's it," he whispered. "Just let go."
He took her back to that night, that memory, of them together.
He wasn't touching her physically right now.
But it would appear that words could be sharper than physical touch. He was touching her through his words.
"Oh, my God, stop, Edward," she said, shaking her head. "I'm not dissociating. I'm here, okay? Stop talking."
He gave her a long look with narrowed eyes.
And he didn't stop.
"Relax your mind, it's happening. You're coming. Let it happen. You are so fucking beautiful right now."
It felt like a sin. Even if it had felt so, so good.
She covered her face in shame and sobbed.
It hurt.
Why did it have to hurt so much?
He watched her like she was a scared cat that could jump away any moment.
She wasn't beautiful.
"It's time we start talking about that night you spent at my place, Bella."
"Ah, no," she croaked. "Let's not."
"That one message triggered you so fucking much. Your online post."
"That's not true," she said defensively.
"I know what I saw. And I know exactly why you're scared. Do you remember the second time I brought you to my bedroom? Do you remember what I told you, Bella?"
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
"I said that what we were about to do should not be seen by the entire world. I said, this one's for us. Do you remember, Bella? Even though, now you and I both know that James was there. Listening, through our phones. He was there too."
She was quick to make her steps away from him.
"If you try to walk away now, Bella," he said sharply. "You're claiming to be James', forever."
Oh God.
What is this?
His words were horrible.
"You're claiming that James owns your body and soul. It's all his."
His words were much worse.
Horrible, satanic words.
"Don't be so cruel," she whispered. "You horrible man!"
She wanted to get out of here.
Edward drew in a sharp breath.
"Bella," he said quietly, quickly typing on his phone and extending his hand. "Just read it."
She glanced at his phone.
Her vision became blurry.
"No-"
"They're your own words, Bella. And they're so fucking good. You're very passionate. And creative."
She briefly met his eyes.
She didn't know how else to speak.
"I'm really touched by your message," he said. "You did what I lacked in courage almost a year ago when the internet was filled with rumors about you."
What?
He spoke with kindness.
She wasn't used to that.
It felt false. It triggered something inside Bella that this could all be fake.
"I replied to your message," he said carefully.
"Is it something terrible?" she said pained.
"No, Bella."
She felt like she had no other option, but to start reading.
Even though she really didn't want to do this.
The message had been hurriedly written and she couldn't remember what exactly she'd written.
Her movements were slow as she took his phone in her hand.
She was shaking, and began reading her own message.
She felt like an idiot as she read her foolish, stupid message.
"You'll never know the psychopath sitting next to you.
You'll never know the murdered sitting next to you.
Edward may be a fuck up.
But he's my fuck up.
So please don't make any sudden moves.
You don't know the half of the abuse.
This is my first and only warning to instantly stop spreading vile rumors.
I will easily find those who write unkindly about him; trust me that I'll find you.
You'll never know the freak show sitting next to you.
You'll have some weird people sitting next to you.
Hurt him again and you will be dealing with me.
Because I will forever protect what is mine.
Bella."
Her body shook as she scrolled through the message.
The message had exploded from countless replies and likes.
But the one above them all, was the verified account named Edward Cullen.
His reply had a thousand likes and comments.
Her eyes remained on his reply for a long time.
I love you too, Bella.
She used her fingers to scroll through the comments, quickly pushing his message away, however she read comments from strangers on the internet;
Her reference to Heathens - Twenty One Pilots, is amazing! - You love him! - This is true love. - Bella is the best. - They deserve each other. - So amazing and what a beautiful love. - They love each other. - This woman is a protective. Damn, protect this soul at all cost. - It's obvious, that after what they've been through, they need each other. - Nobody else is a better fit. - This was unexpected and exactly what I needed to see today. - Finally the truth.
And so on... and so on...
The replies were countless and she couldn't find one that spoke badly.
She brought her eyes away from the phone.
The internet and people on earth were a load of crap.
"Tell me why you wrote that post," he said with furrowed brows.
He didn't touch her, but his close proximity was even more intimidating then ever.
She had swallowed her feelings. They were buried deep inside.
"Clearly I was having a psychotic episode when I wrote that," she said, not meeting his eyes.
She shoved his phone in his hand.
Changing the subject right about now seemed like a good idea.
"What's in all those boxes?" she said.
He raised an eyebrow.
"We can talk about the boxes later," he said quietly. "But not right now. First tell me about why you wrote that post."
She couldn't though.
It was too hard.
There was a trick.
The deals were never in her benefit. She lost something while Edward would gain something. It would ruin her.
He pulled her chin up and she gasped.
"You know where I'm getting at, Bella, don't you?"
He looked so sweet and gentle, just like that night.
That made this even more difficult.
"Can you say it?"
She flinched.
Damn it.
She felt her eyes tear up.
She felt sick to her stomach.
Her body was consumed with sadness and she felt her tears fall on her cheeks.
It was mental torture.
"I want distance from you," she said shakily.
But he was too quick, too strong.
He held her. And he didn't let go of her and didn't respond. He waited with a slightly raised eyebrow.
"Edward..." she said hurriedly. "I am here. I'm not dissociating."
She tried to slip out of his grip, but he didn't let her.
His hands on her body felt wrong.
"You can't just- hold me and- keep me. I'm not your property."
"Oh, I am certain you're not my or anyone else's property," he said with a tiny smile. "But it would appear so, that I'm your fuck up?"
Could he stop?
Before it went too far.
"The fuck up that you will forever protect?"
She wanted to plead with him, negotiate, that it wasn't necessary to have this talk.
"Because I'm yours? You claimed me to be yours."
She felt small and humiliated again.
"Isn't that what you wrote? But why, though? What's the reason for you to write that?"
"I barely remember writing that message!"
"Yeah, I figured."
"Don't mock me," she cried in silent plea.
"I've never been more serious in my entire life."
His stance, his aura, his entire current state of mind suggested that he was serious.
The more reason this scared Bella.
Truth be told, if he mocked her, this would be so much easier.
"Didn't you read my reply, Bella?"
Yeah...
It suggested something.
Because he'd written that he loved her too.
"Leave me," she pleaded.
James flash before her. He was inside her mind.
"How can I, after that message?"
She closed her eyes. "Why can't you just leave it?"
He still wouldn't let her go.
"Don't you see?" she pleaded. "I have to leave you. I have no other choice."
She wished he'd give her what she needed.
"You're prime instinct is to want to leave me?" he said, a little like a statement and a little like a question.
"It's necessary-" she began awkwardly.
"To run?"
"It's not like that, I have to-"
"To hide?"
"Don't- I'm just saying-"
"To protect me?"
"That's not-"
"Because of James?"
She glanced up, unsure what to say, as he kept interrupting her.
She was scared of what she saw in his eyes.
The truth.
"Even if you love me?"
Oh, no.
"You wrote that post, because you love me."
He didn't question it.
Bella felt her tears fall so much, she feared they would blind her.
"You're afraid to say it. Even though it's not a secret anymore, Bella. You've already mentioned before that you love me. You said that loving me is exhausting you. But you've never said the actual words."
She'd rather slip into unreality.
"You've never said those words directly to me. Not ever."
With her eyes open, that was possible too.
"Even if it's obvious that you love me. That's the whole reason James was able to manipulate you so fucking much."
James was able to hear them now.
"Look at me," he ordered, this time his voice possessing dominance. "I swear I will lose my mind completely if you dissociate right now."
His voice pulled her back to reality.
She had never taken her eyes from his.
But apparently he had noticed that she'd been starting to dissociate.
"That's it, stay with me," he ordered. "Just stay with me. Okay? Don't go back to him. You don't have to, anymore."
He knew...
"Bella, I hate seeing you go back to James. You don't deserve that."
Maybe she could trick him that it wasn't true.
His pull on her neck, forcing her eyes up again, were however reality.
She had to go.
He was going to kill Edward.
"You fell in love with me."
Torture him for days.
"You haven't stopped loving me, since."
Slowly, until death followed.
"That's why you wrote that post."
His body pieces would rot and sent to her in pieces.
"That's why you're here with me tonight."
She would forever be alone.
"Bella, are you with me?"
How could she prevent his death?
"No, don't dissociate..." he whispered. "My dear Bella, it's okay. I promise."
She had to give it her best to keep him safe.
"I want a d-deal," she said.
"A deal?"
"Y-Yeah."
"Do you think you're in any condition to make a deal with me?"
"I-I am great."
"You're dissociating."
"We always make deals," she forced out quickly.
He looked troubled. "What is it that you want, then?"
"For you to let me go."
"Where to, huh, Bella? It's past midnight. You said you don't want to be alone tonight. And because you and I both can't drive right now because we've both taken lorazepam, I'll have to call a taxi, right? But that takes us back to my first question, Bella, where to? The only place I can think of, would be the hospital."
James said to give him sex.
Sex would distract him.
This was cruel.
But she'd have to live up to her name - whore.
She brought her eyes to Edward.
She could do this.
This was cruel and difficult, but she got on her toes, reached up, but not really reaching his lips.
He was too tall and didn't meet her lips.
Instead, he pushed her back on her feet and next her back hit the wall.
"Fucking no!" he said in a demanding voice. "Don't do that, Bella! Why the hell would you do that?"
No?
Her eyes looked down and she instead, reached for the waistband of the sweatpants he wore.
The grip on her shoulders was gone; but next he took hold of her wrists and he pinned her arms by her hips.
Good...
He's angry.
"No, Bella..." came another tortured voice. "You don't have to sell your body anymore. James is dead."
She panicked. With her arms pinned down and her body unable to move, she couldn't do anything.
"Bella? Look at me."
His voice was so much different than what she remembered.
"Will you look at me?" he asked.
Also his eyes were gentle.
"Hey," he said persistently, holding her eyes.
"W-What?" she said, waiting for his next demand.
Instead, he looked incredibly remorseful.
"This was the deal we made?" she said questioningly. "It's for you to let me-"
"Hush!"
"My body is yours, Edward- Mr Cullen," she quickly corrected herself.
"Don't go there, Bella," he said desperately. "Call me Edward, okay? I'm Edward, remember?"
"I sold my body to you-"
"Damn it all to hell," he whispered. "Fucking hell. Bella? You're the only owner of your body? Hear me?"
"I'm..."
What?
Shit.
Where was she?
"I will forever be ashamed," he whispered. "For calling you a whore. And cheap- a needy slut- trash- and Izzy. For saying you are indebted to me. For being the reason you fainted. For insinuating that I'll- that- I'll fuck you and leave you naked."
The day after that night...
In his car...
She snapped her eyes up to his, realizing she'd been dissociating.
His gaze was strong, intently reading her.
She wondered, what could he see?
"For making those crude remarks about you screaming during-" He closed his eyes briefly, and finished in a whisper, "-orgasm."
"That's all I was," she muttered, remembering James' words. "Someone meaningless. Someone you fucked."
"Don't say that," he said urgently.
"The day you began to hate me," Bella whispered.
Edward raised his eyes up to the ceiling and she saw tears had gathered too, but by raising his eyes, they wouldn't fall yet.
Bella knew all too well. She'd done it herself often.
As he looked back at her, his tears dropped and his breathing was troubled.
"Yeah, you're right," he said in a clipped and remorseful tone. "The day I began to hate you. The day I turned into a monster. The day I broke you for the first time."
Bella felt herself slip back into reality.
She hated going back to the past, too.
"Even though I was trying to break you with lies. None of the things I said to you were true. Not even the screaming."
She froze at his casual remark about her being in ecstasy during that night.
"You were beautiful, in fact," he whispered. "And so silent, it made me wonder if maybe I was doing something wrong. Until you came. So beautifully."
His eyes were red and glassy from more unshed tears.
"I was the opposite the next day," he said. "And you couldn't say a thing. Because you fell in love with me."
Bella dropped her face to her feet.
The memory of two men in the same body in less than 24 hours was too much for now.
He actually took a step back from her and watched her quietly from the distance between them.
"It was also the day you decided to protect me with your life," he said. "You brought out a monster inside me I didn't even know I could become. You did that purposefully."
She shook her head.
"Because, you fell in love with me," he repeated. "And James' captured you with that. Isn't that right?"
She kept shaking her head.
"You can't lie to me anymore, Bella," he asked, giving her a look. "I know you love me."
This was torture.
"I want to kill your fear. I want to kill that venom James put inside you when he used your feelings against you. It's the fear that causes your pain. But James is fucking dead and gone. You are under government protection for the rest of your life. For what you did. For what you went through."
He left little for her to argue with.
"It's gonna consume you, Bella. And I'm done seeing you in fear and pain. I'm going to kill your fear."
"Meaning...?" she muttered.
"Meaning," he said instantly. "You're going to say that you love me. And you're going to say my name too every time. It's Edward. And you're going to remember that."
This couldn't be really happening.
"You're going to repeat that you love me, say my name, until you have my permission to stop."
She would have never guessed that she'd be in this position right now.
"Understood?"
She refused. Her heart was filled with fear, still.
But what feared her most, was to say those words he wanted to hear.
"Do you understand?" he said.
He sounded as if this didn't bother him at all while Bella was falling apart.
His eyes didn't leave hers.
She feared this the most.
To tell him how she truly felt.
Those feelings were buried deep inside.
She wasn't strong.
"Answer me, Bella."
He knew already anyway?
James would kill her, anyway.
First he'd torture Edward to death, though.
She'd lost everything in this world she ever cared about.
"I understand," she said, a prisoner once more, caught in a cruel game.
"Christ, Bella," he said, his face in shock. "Stop looking at me like that."
She felt as if he scolded her.
That she made a mistake.
She wasn't sure what way she was looking at him.
"I love you, Edward," she said defeatedly.
They spent a perfect night together.
His eyes briefly widened and he breathed out hard.
She wondered when James would come and make her suffer.
By making Edward suffer.
She would die of a broken heart.
Bella was defeated.
"Say it again," he said carefully.
"I love you, Edward."
The start of a connection on that night; with indescribable consequences.
"Again," he said.
He kept watching her.
It was worse when he watched her.
It made everything real.
Because... this was real.
"I love you, Edward..."
The night gave her something for the first time in her life.
"Again," he said.
She was suffocating.
Oh God.
She tried not to get sick, very hard. She couldn't bear the suffer, the pain, the humiliation...
"I love you, Edward," she whispered, placing her hand on her mouth.
The beginning of a threat that haunted her every day and night.
"Again," he ordered gently.
She was going to get real sick any minute now.
She watched him in plea.
She wanted to run.
He waited for a long time.
There was no where for her to run.
"I love you..." she whispered.
He looked troubled. "My name, too."
"Edward," she croaked out.
Her voice was broken.
She was doomed.
She was cracking.
And he just let it happen.
"Again."
She almost retched.
"I love you, Edward."
That night was the best and worst of her life.
Her chest felt as if she was being crushed by the entire word.
Her stomach kept twisting uncontrollably.
"Again."
"I love you, Edward."
Because she fell in love.
Her body shivered, and she heard herself gag.
"Continue and don't stop. Say it over and over."
She felt her eyes widen at his command.
"What- about- James-?" she croaked, going mad by the second.
"Stay with me," he said, suddenly holding her head and giving it pull up, forcing her neck to bend up further.
"They're gonna hear me-" she said in fear, pleading, panicking.
"It's just you and I, Bella. Nobody fucking else is here."
"They're gonna hurt me-"
"Nobody will ever hurt you again, not ever, Bella, for loving me," he said quietly.
"Edward?" she whispered.
He gave her a broken smile. "Yeah. I'm here. I'm with you."
"Please stop, Edward..."
"But you're doing so fucking good, Bella," he said, his voice void of any lies.
Every cell inside her told her to flee.
Everything within her told her this was wrong.
"I'm waiting for you to continue."
She sobbed.
"Say it. Without stopping."
"I love you, Edward..."
That night she fell in love...
She wasn't going to last.
"I love you, Edward."
That night... James was there too, listening.
He was so much stronger than her.
"I love you, Edward."
Maybe watching them too.
She sobbed like she'd never done before.
She had lost everything.
Even her control to keep her feelings at bay.
She couldn't breathe.
"Good, Bella," he said in an unstable voice. "Take a break."
She died.
"Breathe, Bella," he said softly. "Just breathe."
She cried at the sound of his voice, so gentle and kind. He was humiliating her, right?
She was gasping for air.
"Wait here," he said quietly, walking towards the bathtub where Bella had discarded her previous soda can.
He handed it to her.
She was frozen.
"It'll ease the nausea," he said as if in explanation.
She was too scared to move.
"I have no right to say this, but... humor me?"
She shifted her eyes from him to the can.
Unsure if it was okay, but eventually, with trembling fingers, she took the can and took a few sips.
She was finally freed from his eyes.
Her body was on some kind of adrenaline high.
She couldn't stop trembling and feeling...
Danger...
"You look so scared," he said, more of a statement than question.
"N-No," she said quickly, her teeth chattering.
"If you can tell me that you love me right this instance, I'll believe you that you're no longer afraid."
Her lips parted.
The can accidentally slipped from her hand.
Her teeth still chattered.
Revealing the truth. Revealing her fear.
She wanted to fall, to die.
He crossed his arms.
He was a rock solid stone.
Bella was a trembling, traumatized mess.
"Say it once more."
She stared at him, wide eyed. There was no escaping this.
Was there?
That night Bella fell in love with Edward. Next James found out.
It didn't matter anymore. She was already in danger. And Edward even more so. James was gonna kill him.
She lost grip on time and reality. He would kill her now. Capture her first. Then slowly mentally destroy her. She would be a forever prisoner than.
Who wasn't loved back in return. Edward didn't love her back.
He had defeated her for good.
Yeah, this is what was supposed to happen.
Edward wasn't supposed to love her...
He could never know the truth.
Or should she refer to him as Mr Cullen now?
"Say it, Bella."
The voice of authority spoke.
She slipped on the bathroom floor.
She stared ahead of her into nothingness. Because from now on, the man she once knew as Edward, was no longer that man.
But at least James wouldn't hurt him.
She'd succeeded.
And nobody would ever know.
If they did, the man she loved, would be brutally murdered.
"Sorry, for stopping..." she whispered in defeat. "I love you, Mr Cullen, I love-"
"No, no, no, fuck, Bella, no, don't do this," she heard above her in panic as a person sat next to her.
Without touching her.
"I love you, Mr Cullen."
"Stop, Bella," he said, his voice cracked.
"I love you, Mr Cullen."
"You can stop. You have my fucking permission to stop."
It's a lie.
There's a catch.
"I love you, Mr-"
"Stop right now! Stop, Bella! Listen to my voice. You can hear me, I know you can."
Was she supposed to stop or-? Was it a catch?
He would catch her though. James would.
"I love you, Mr Cullen."
"Bella..." he said gently in plea.
"I love you, Mr Cullen."
"You have my permission to stop, you have it."
"I love you, Mr Cullen."
"Take my permission, Bella, I swear you have it. Just take it."
"I love you, Mr Cullen."
"You don't have to tell me that you love me. You don't have to continue anymore."
"I love you, Mr Cullen."
"Oh, fuck, fuck, what the fuck have I done?" he asked, his voice torn.
AN:
My dearest reader,
This is a difficult story to write, so thank you so much for your patience.
My favorite quote for this couple is: Vladimir Lenin — 'It is necessary sometimes to take one step backward to take two steps forward.'
What will it take for Edward to get Bella back into reality, once and for all?
My next chapter is near finished.
And quite possibly, this story is nearing its end.
X