3. SECOND THOUGHTS
Whew. I can't believe it's been three weeks already. Tomorrow, it's going to be Lights, Camera, Action. But at least we still have tonight.
Edythe was lying beside me, my arms wrapped tight around her. Outside the open window, crickets were chirping loudly, the sound accompanied by all the local frogs in a symphony of nature's nighttime music. Charlie was fast asleep in the other room and I had Edythe all to myself. Stretching her head up a little, she brushed a kiss on my forehead and after throwing a quick glance at the digital clock on my nightstand, she gently twisted herself away from my chest just an inch, waiting for me to release her. I didn't.
"Mm. I should get going, Beau. My sisters want to throw me some sort of Bachelorette party thing tonight." Figuring out my ploy, she made to sit up, pulling herself easily yet regretfully out of my arms. Before she could make it all the way though, my arm circled round the front of her shoulders and I pulled her right back to me, pressing her tight to my chest. She giggled and clutched at my sweater sleeves.
"Five minutes." I pouted, burying my nose in her sweet-smelling hair.
"Okay, okay, five minutes." She turned to look at me, eyes soft, and I felt her cool fingers running up and down my back from underneath my gray sweater. Then I saw her sigh, feeling her shoulders move up then down.
"What's wrong?" I looped a lock of bronze behind her ear.
"I was just thinking," she began in a whisper.
"About what?" I asked, stroking her cheek.
She rested a hand on the side of my face. "Well, about a few things – about your choice to change, for one thing." She shook her head, pressing her lips together. "You'll be giving up Charlie and Renee. They love you so much, it will literally kill them to hear something's happened to you, I know it. You'll be dead - you'll be dead to them, and I know it will break them, immeasurably. Please, please reconsider, Beau. You'll be losing them all because of me." She put both hands on her chest, her voice coming out a more forceful sound. I was silent then, trying to come up with something I could say to make her feel better. She's right – of course, I'll miss Mom and Dad. But what's worse to me is that I know how much pain it'll cause them if I follow through with this; how much they'll miss me. That's what hurts the most. I would never freely choose to do this to them, ever. But I know what I want – I want Edythe, I want to be with her.
"Again, I choose you, Edythe. I will always choose you, alright?" I gave her shoulders a squeeze, hugging her just a little tighter. She shook her head.
"Choose me then; that's fine if it's what you truly, truly want, Beau-"
"It's all I want, Edythe."
She let out a little sigh at that. "You'd be making me blush right about now if that were possible." She laughed, but then was serious again. "But just... don't choose Immortality. Not yet. Please. I told you, about what I did all those years ago. To see what I was capable of; to be made aware of that. When I looked into the eyes of all those people I killed-" her voice broke off and her fist tightened around my sweater as she hid her face in it, "I saw the monster clear as day. And it's haunted me ever since."
"Stop that, Edythe. Seriously. Those people were the real monsters - not you. You are good, Edythe. You are so good." I kissed her hard three times. "Did you really think telling me all this again would change my mind about marrying you?"
"It should." she reiterated in a hard voice. "But in this particular instant, no, I was merely hoping it would help you to change your mind about yourself."
"It's what I want, Edythe. You are all I want. I love you, Edythe. So much. Everything about you, everything that you are. And I will always, always love you no matter what. That's never, ever going to change. I promise you this. Why is it that you don't believe me?" Had I done something to make her feel so uncertain in our relationship? Hurt her somehow that I made her feel like any less than the love of my life?
She touched my face; kissed me for a long moment. "Oh, Beau. I do believe you. I truly do. But there's still so much more to it than that, Beau, more reasons that you shouldn't be like me, and reasons you shouldn't be with me." she insisted, trying so hard. I waited, listening, even when I knew that whatever it was she was going to say would do nothing to sway me.
She took my hand and sat us both up. "Let me say this one too, then: do you remember what your dad said when we told him that we were getting married? You know, how he thought I was… pregnant?" She laughed softly, bowing her head then lifting her eyes to meet mine.
"Um, I'm trying very hard not to." I muttered, remembering how mortifying that was.
Edythe laughed once at that and scooted in closer beside me. I did the same. She turned towards me, squeezing my hand. "Well, what if I told you that I wish he was right?"
I opened my mouth to speak but she stopped me, putting a finger to my lips. "Actually, it's more like… I wish there was some way that he could have been right; do you know what I mean? It just reminded me of yet another thing I'll be taking away from you – a family. Even if I were human, to not have that ability; that possibility… it would have broken my heart. And I'd understand if you... didn't want to marry someone like that. Someone like me. Perhaps it was another shadowed part of my upbringing, in that time period, but what I mean to say is that thinking, no matter how flawed it is, I... I'd understand it, more than you could ever know." Her voice got softer; sadder. And then I knew exactly what she was getting at. "I want to give you things, Beau, not take them away."
The thing is, I'd never really thought about having children before. I'd never really had much to do with them at all growing up, and when I dreamed of Renee providing me with a sibling, I'd always imagined an older sibling, someone to take care of me rather than the other way around; someone to help me navigate the ups and downs of growing up in this crazy world. And, if I'm being completely honest, the idea of children, in the abstract, never really appealed to me much in general anyways, and I never quite understood what the big deal was. I don't mean that meanly, or anything. It just wasn't something I'd actively choose to seek out. Maybe I would have changed my mind later, but as it stood now, it wasn't my thing, and it wasn't nearly as huge a loss to me as Edythe made it out to be.
"I know what I'm doing, Edythe." I assured her, taking her face in my hands.
"But how could you know that, Beau? How could you know for certain? Look at my mother, my father - it's not as easy a sacrifice as you'd imagine, Beau."
"You are my future, Edythe. You are the only thing I'm certain about, you are the one and only person I need in my life ever." I insisted. "I really don't mind, you know."
"But I don't want you to have to make any sacrifices for me at all, Beau! I don't want to take those experiences; those choices away from you, be it now or ten years from now. I don't want you to lose your family, nor the possibility of having your own one day. I don't want to take away your choice to change your mind, I don't want you to feel even an ounce of regret for your decision to stay with me. Why are you doing all this to yourself, for my sake? It's just not right, Beau." She wrapped her arms around herself like she was cold and her eyelashes fluttered, upset. I shook my head and took her shoulders, giving them a squeeze. "Hey, hey, hey. Look, I choose you, alright? You are all I want; you are all I need. Just you, as you are." My hands moved to her cheeks and I brought her face up to mine, leaving a kiss on her forehead. "Okay? And look, if somewhere down the road we decided we did want, you know, a family of our own, then we'll just do what Carine did. We'll adopt." I reasoned. "As for my parents – of course I'll miss them. Of course, I still want them to be in my life but in all honesty, I think it's maybe better for everyone if, with everything that's going to happen, that it did happen this way." I shook my head. "I'm losing them one way or another." I said in a near-silent voice. It already hurt even when that possibility hadn't fully registered with me yet. "But it doesn't matter, Edythe. Not when I'm with you. And nothing will ever change that." I quickly added, squeezing her hands. She was silent for a long moment and then in her eyes, I thought I saw her finally relenting - it was a wedding miracle.
"You sound pretty sure of yourself there." she whispered.
"Believe me, I am." I spoke this unshakeable truth.
"But you promise – you promise you'll be okay with that? With me like this? You won't feel like you're missing out? You won't resent me?" she asked in anxious little bursts, eyes widening.
"If I'm with you, then that's all that matters."
She sighed at that. "It's not too late, Beau. You really don't have to do this."
"Can't get rid of me that easily." I laughed, but then my face tensed up for a split second. "Wait – do you want to get rid of me?" That would change things, surely. "That is, um, this isn't your way of dumping me, right? Do you not want to marry me?" I tried laughing it off to cover myself and touched the back of my neck. I could feel my cheeks going red and I felt that lump rising up in my throat again, choking me. Just the thought that she didn't want to be with me made my whole chest hurt and I turned my face the other way because I didn't want to let her see me cry like an idiot, though I knew she wouldn't have judged me for it one bit. Sigh. I guess that's just a "me" thing, isn't it? I took a deep breath, both composing and reproaching myself mentally at the same time for being so unreasonable. Her soft touch pulled me back to my senses and her eyes were wide on me, lips parted in disbelief.
"Don't you ever think for one second that I don't love you, Beau. I wouldn't forgive you. I don't deserve you, but I will always, always love you. Never forget that." she reiterated in a hard, angry voice. Then with an intense fervor her lips covered mine - an affirmation - and she pulled me into a tight hug, her grip I'm pretty sure leaving the lightest imprint of an almost-bruise in the shape of her beautiful hands on the back of my neck but I didn't care – it was like a temporary tattoo that I wished to make permanent. After she released me, she was coming in to kiss me again but then her face broke out into this bright, happy smile just as I heard a knock at my windowsill. All her pain, and sadness, momentarily wiped away in an instant.
"Edythe!" It was Eleanor and Jessamine. "Hi future little brother-in-law!" Eleanor added. She and Jessamine beamed as they found my eyes.
"Hey." I called back and gave them each a smile, grateful to them for showing up when they did, cheering her up like that.
"We've come to claim your bride, Beau." Eleanor announced, flashing her eyebrows at me.
In an invisible movement Edythe was on her feet, still holding my hand tight. "I guess that's my cue. I'll see you tomorrow, then. At our wedding." She chuckled, picking up where we left off on that kiss from earlier. I was glad - this was going to make her feel better about tomorrow, and I thanked El and Jess again in my head.
"Don't even think about coming near my sister before the ceremony, you hear? It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before then, you know. So, we're holding you to that, Beau." Jessamine waggled a cautionary finger at me.
"Yeah, Arch will personally murder you if you come anywhere near Edy's room. He made the dress himself and he'll be working on her all. Day. You are going to die when you see her!" Eleanor gushed proudly, coming on over and dragging Edythe by the hand to my open window. I laughed following after them. "Duly noted, girls." I saluted them. "Any strippers I should be worried about? You know, because my wife-to-be will most definitely find them all much better-looking than me."
"Yes, totally." Eleanor rolled her eyes and laughed. "But just the one." She gave me a puckish smile. "Kidding!" she quickly added before I even knew how to react. "We're going out hunting - cougars tonight, since that's what little sis here is going to be." Eleanor pointed to Edythe who I'm pretty sure would be blushing right about now if it were at all possible and threw her head back, laughing.
"We'll see you tomorrow, Beau." Jessamine smiled. She and Eleanor left first and I waved them off, so it was just me and Edythe now.
"I love you, Beau. I love you so much." Her beautiful golden eyes softened when they found mine and she kissed me one last time.
"I love you, too." I answered her quietly; simply. I watched as she disappeared into the night and just like that, she was gone.