9. HURT
I stretched out my arms over my head as I awoke the next morning, curling my toes against the sheets. A mild sense of panic then surprise washed over me when I felt around Edythe's side of the bed and found it empty. But once my eyes adjusted to the sunlight streaming in through the bedroom windows, I easily found her, dressed in what looked like one of those old-timey white lace nightgowns you'd see in a period drama like Downton Abbey or something like that, just pacing the floor; wide awake as always with a finger pressed nervously to her lip. Her hair was pulled messily over her left shoulder.
"Edythe?" I asked, blinking. "Are you alright?" But then I noticed everything on top of the bed - including me - was completely covered in feathers and the white curtains which opened on either side of it were missing now, ripped away it seemed and lay in two crumpled heaps on the ground. I started out of bed but when a cool draft slammed into my body, I realized I was totally naked - yeah, covered in feathers and not much else, I guess – and instinctively, I pulled the white comforter up over my chest. Remembering last night though, I blushed and realized it wasn't anything my wife hadn't seen before thanks to that little bit of Heaven on earth we'd experienced just hours before, and it should really be a totally normal thing – but then again, maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part. Sigh. I could feel the red splotches prickling up my neck just thinking about round two. But when I saw the remains of two torn-up pillowcases on the bed and remembering those curtains on the floor, I turned my gaze back on Edythe - she still wasn't looking at me.
"Um…did we do all this?" I asked with a nervous laugh, feeling the red rush into my cheeks.
She spun around, silent, giving me a severe look I didn't quite understand.
"Edythe?" I said again, hurrying to the closet and digging through the suitcase housekeeping had brought in for us earlier yesterday and found a pair of blue plaid boxer shorts, changing into them quick as I came up to my wife. I took her shoulders from behind, feeling the smooth seams of her nightgown under my fingertips. She turned around to face me and her back went stiff, something between horror and disgust flashing in her eyes as she looked me up and down from head to foot and for a second there I was worried she regretted last night; that she regretted me. "Is this about last night?" I looked away, kind of fearing her answer. "I'm really sorry, Edythe. I know I'm no good at that sort of thing yet, but I-"
"How badly are you hurt?" She cut me off, pressing her lips together so they made a hard line.
"What?" I asked, blinking.
"Come here." She grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bathroom.
"Just look at yourself." she said, her voice cracking in disgust.
"Huh?" I gawked, turning my gaze to the full-length mirror and spinning around once, twice, three times. There were patches of purplish-black-blue dotting different parts of my body – the tops of my arms, my shoulders, my back, my neck, everywhere. Suddenly, there was a throbbing sensation first in my right leg then my left, and I rolled up the hems of my boxer shorts only to find two large black-blue bruises on either side of my thighs. I didn't even remember how I'd gotten them there; how I'd gotten them anywhere actually, because nothing really hurt for me yesterday. In fact, I felt almost invincible, if not just a little inexperienced. "What the-?" I muttered in confusion. I closed my eyes to try and remember, and then it came back to me in twos: First, I matched the small, cloud-shaped marks on my body to every new sensation that sparked in my memory - yes, her lips were on mine, on my skin... they moved down over here, then over there and back again. And her hands... my fingers drifted over all the black-blue places she touched me last night and I felt the memory striking me again with a newfound strength: hot, cold, miraculous, raw. Perfect in their own way, all new to me. And then I remembered her legs wrapped around mine, her beautiful body over and under and all over my own... and then I could feel the red rushing back to my cheeks. "Right." I whispered in the quietest voice, scared to say the words out loud because if I did, then it never happened; like I was still dreaming. Only I wasn't, and I still had yet to wrap my head around that. It was a night I would never, ever forget, the night when Edythe had made me hers; the night when I had made her mine. And I smiled.
But then Edythe let out a snarl, wild with agony. She flung the bathroom door open, slamming it hard into the wall and then she left the room without a word, pushing past me to get out of there and I didn't know what to do, freezing on the spot as my jaw fell open.
"Hey! Edythe! Wait up!" I yelled, following her into the kitchen. She threw a decorative blue glass bowl off the counter and it shattered at my feet. It stopped me in my tracks with a resounding CRASH! and I stumbled backwards trying to avoid it.
"I'm sorry." she said immediately afterwards and ran up to me, pushing me back and stopping me from stepping anywhere near the broken glass. She lifted me up into her arms like I was a 5-year-old and sat me down in one of the wicker chairs in the living room, taking a seat opposite of me in a matching one.
"Are you going to tell me what that was all about?" I motioned to the remains of the pretty bowl, bringing my palms in towards me to lay flat up on my lap.
"Earnest will be quite upset with me. He really liked that one." She bit her lip, looking away.
"You know that's not what I'm talking about." I reached a hand out to take hers but she swatted it away.
"Didn't you see, Beau?" she whispered, "I hurt you."
"What, these?" I scoffed, motioning to the bruises. "They're nothing, Edythe. I feel totally fine. In fact, I feel pretty amazing, actually." I reached for her hand again. She didn't push it away this time. "I didn't even know they were there. Honest. It just takes a little practice, you know. I'm learning at the exact same time you are. We can try again tonight; or even right now-" I offered but she yanked her hand away and rose to her feet.
"I can't believe you're seriously asking me that right now, Beau. While you slept I – I counted all the literal bruises I left on your body. And then I thought to myself: that's all monsters are good for – hurting people." She trembled, wrapping her arms tight around herself. "I told you I was the villain."
I stood up. "Hey, hey, hey. Just stop it, Edythe. You are not a monster. You are good. You are so good." I held her face between my hands and kissed her in the space between her eyes. She looked up, but then her gaze began to wander; hunting out and hovering over all the bruises on my body. The biggest ones were probably on my thighs, and her expression darkened when she saw them again.
"I know what you're thinking," I began, tugging down the hems of my boxers as far as they could go then motioned to the rest of me. "But I feel 100% fine. Honest. For example, it's like I finally got a tan somewhere for once in life! That's a huge achievement for me, you know." I tried in hopes of lifting her spirits some. She smiled then, letting out the sweet, silvery sound of a chuckle and my god, what I'd do to keep that expression forever on that beautiful face of hers. I pulled her to my chest and she wrapped her arms around me but just barely and super gently, afraid she'd break me again.
"Thanks, Beau." she whispered into my chest. "But it's still going to be a "no" from now on, at least until I figure out how to better control myself or until you want me to change you." I opened my mouth to speak but she stopped me, probably knowing exactly what I was going to say. "But I don't want to do that to you, either. You don't understand - I'm wishing every day for you to change your mind about that, Beau. Please promise me you'll seriously think about it a little more." she pleaded, hugging me just a little bit tighter.
"I promise." I nodded, wanting to reassure her.
"Good." She stroked my cheek then headed off to the kitchen again, cleaning up all the broken glass there in two seconds flat. "I'll make you breakfast. How does that sound?"
"You actually know how to cook?" I asked, raising my eyebrows teasingly at her. She narrowed her eyes, pouting very slightly at me.
"Of course I do, dummy." She laughed. "Just never had a reason to put my expertise to the test until you came along. I've been perfecting my skills ever since."
"Thanks. But let me help you." I wrapped my arms around her from behind and kissed her neck.
"Quit it. You're distracting me." she said, playfully shoving me away but sending me off with a kiss nonetheless. "Go cut up some onions and the red and green peppers. I'm making you an omelet." She motioned her spatula towards the refrigerator and I did what I was told. Pulling all the requested ingredients out from the bottom drawers of the fridge, I arranged them neatly on the cutting board. "Yes, chef." I said with a laugh, taking up the knife.
…
"This looks so good." I said as she set the sizzling plate of omelet down in front of me. Taking up a fork and knife, I dug into the steaming pile of eggs, cheese, and vegetables. It was delicious and I told her so. She was sitting beside me, resting her chin on her hand as she watched me eat. She liked to do that. Took a little getting used to when we first met but now, I actually find it kind of – I don't know, comforting, I guess? Maybe a little flattering too, because maybe that meant I probably didn't totally look like an uncivilized pig scarfing down all my food and it was a nice thought.
"Oh, speaking of food, I might go down to the mainland to hunt for a little bit. Guess I'm a little hungry now too, watching you wolfing down that omelet I made." She laughed, taking my hand from across the table.
"But you just went a few days ago, right? With your sisters." I remembered their little bachelorette "party" and smiled at the memory of the day which suddenly seemed so far away; before we started this strange, exciting, brand-new chapter of our lives – marriage.
"That's true." She nodded; shrugged a little. I could tell there was something else she was wanting to say, but I had a feeling I knew it already. She tends to go hunting when she gets a little wound up; stressed out – it was a time for reflection, a time for re-evaluation. Plus, you get a snack out if it. I just hoped she wasn't re-evaluating her choice to marry me, though. I swallowed hard, the thought filling me with a strange, guttural feeling of dread but then I stopped myself. I knew I was being ridiculous. "Okay." I sighed, resigning myself to her leaving if that's what was best for her. "So, I guess that means I'll see you in a little bit?" I asked, starting on the dishes piled high in the sink.
"I'll be back before you know it. I promise." She wrapped her arms around me and gave me another kiss; one to remember her by while she was away. I have to admit, it hurt just a little – you know, her leaving me alone on the second day of our honeymoon and all. But I also knew that I shouldn't take it personally. I eyed the bruises again - they did feel kind of tender. We knew this was going to be difficult, I just didn't want her blaming herself. She got dressed very fast and I waved her off, watching as she disappeared across the water. Sighing, I flopped down on the couch in the living room and turned on the TV, awaiting her return.
…
"Hey." Edythe said, her cool hand resting on my bare shoulder. It was like I got caught up in some time loop, waking up from the nap I must've been taking and it was already nighttime, like I woke up in another dimension. I took in the familiar paned windows and looked outside to where the water shone a dark blue under the shadow of the full moon. I had a blanket over me, one I didn't remember being there earlier. I rubbed my eyes in the dark then focused in on Edythe's form hovering above me. She looked at me with soft butterscotch eyes, almost sorry it seemed, for waking me. I threw my arms around her like she was a mom coming home to a little kid – that would be me – who missed her after a long day at work.
"Edythe! You're back." I pulled her tight to me.
She sat down beside me and kissed my hair. "Sorry for waking you. I just didn't want you to go hungry, missing dinner and all." Her comment prompted me to take a whiff of the air and I followed the scent of something savory - meat, with hints of garlic and salt and black pepper - to the lit-up kitchen behind us.
"I made you burgers. Seasoned them and grilled them myself." she proudly announced, giving me a little smile.
"Really? You shouldn't have, thank you. I wish I could cook something for you." I said with a rueful smile, knowing whatever dish I made for her, no matter how good it was, would do nothing to curb her appetite. Can you, like, season blood or something? I sighed at my uselessness.
"What's wrong?" she asked, touching my cheek.
"I just wish-" I started, but held my tongue.
"Wish what?" she asked very seriously, her eyebrows furrowing like she was afraid of what I was going to say next. I knew then that I had to proceed with caution here.
I squeezed her hand. "I just wish I could do more for you. Like, I feel like you do everything for me, and I have nothing to give you."
"Hey. Don't say that, Beau." Her cool hands were on my shoulders now and she gave them a little shake. "You love me for who I am; you love me for what I am. Even when I couldn't do that myself. Even when I still can't do that myself. And that's everything to me, Beau. How can I make you understand just how truly precious you are to me?" her voice grew louder, more forceful and I leaned her head on my chest.
"Thank you." I whispered in her hair.
"I should be the one saying that to you." She kissed me, hard. Then she pulled away with a sigh; looked at me. But the obvious sadness in her voice was now masked by a teasing tone. "Now hurry up and eat, before your food gets cold."
"Yes, mom." I said with a smirk, wanting to make her smile for real again.
"Watch it." She waggled a finger at me.
"You're right – grandma's lot more accurate a term."
"That's not even funny." she shot back but laughed - a real, genuine kind - anyways. I did get a good smack on my arm for it, though.
I went to the kitchen with Edythe following closely behind me, as if making up for lost time. On the counter, there were two slider-sized burgers, the reddish brown of the grease and juices of the meat patties melting into each other and perched atop crisp, toasty buns pressed lightly on the grill. Total Michelin Star material. Seriously, what wasn't she good at? I felt my eyes go wide and I think I literally began to drool. I zoomed one of the burgers up quick to me and sunk my teeth into it. Unsurprisingly, it was one of the best things I'd ever tasted in my life.
"Is it good?" Edythe asked with a smile so I'm sure she already knew the answer.
"Um, yeah." I nodded, polishing off the rest with a voracious appetite. I guess I was a lot hungrier than I realized, and I was glad she woke me up. Her dimples gave away her bright smile and, struck once again by her beauty, I just froze and stood there with my mouth chock-full of burger like some sort of uncivilized brute and I realized she didn't need to be seeing me like this. Quickly, I forced down the whole chunk of meat and bread and dabbed my face with a napkin before rinsing my mouth out with a swig of orange juice. I took my empty plate and all but ran to the kitchen sink at top speed and started scrubbing really hard at a spot I'm sure I didn't see on it before and busied myself with this totally, definitely, and most important task in the world so I wouldn't look like a caveman.
"Quit it. You're so high-strung all the time, Beau." Edythe's eyes crinkled round the edges as she suppressed a laugh, bringing her fingers in towards her chin to go over the soft pink of her lips. "I'm pretty sure it's had enough, don't you think?" she asked, snatching the plate from me and holding it high above my head. I reached for it in vain - she zoomed it right out of range every time and I chased her around the kitchen, me crashing into everything while she laughed the whole time before putting it down herself with the rest of the plates in the cabinet with the soft scraping of glass-on-glass. She slammed the cabinet doors shut and smirked at me, obviously enjoying giving me a very hard time. "You're gonna pay for that!" I followed the sound of her ringing laughter and chased her down the hall and right into our freshly-made bedroom. All the curtains, sheets, and pillows had been replaced – housekeeping must've come by when I was conked out earlier – and I tackled her, pouncing on her with arms outstretched so we tumbled onto the bed, breathless with laughter. I brought my lips to hers and covered them with my own so they met again and again. She still had on her clothes from hunting today and she smelled of fresh sea breeze and trees. Quickly, I unzipped her pale gray leather jacket and pulled her white V-neck over her head, leaving a trail of kisses from her neck down to her stomach and back again but just as I reached for the top button of her charcoal-gray jeans, she caught my wrist.
"Stop that, Beau." she started between two breaths. It took everything in me to pull my hand away.
"What's wrong?" It was my turn to ask that now.
"I said no more. As in, no more of this, remember? I can't."
"But you promised we'd try-"
"And we did." She shook her head. "But you got hurt." Gently, she pushed me off her and sat us both up. My shoulders hunched forward and sagged below my weight like a deflated balloon. I sure felt like one, too.
"So, you're just… I don't know, never going to touch me again?" I asked with a nervous chuckle, those unattractive red splotches again heating up my neck and face. She sighed at that. Her cool hands trailed up my arms and situated themselves directly over the purple-blue handprints on my skin. A perfect match.
"Look where that got you." Her dimples folded in on themselves in a tight, troubled frown, like her teeth were clenched behind her lips.
"I feel just fine. Quit being so hard up on yourself." I protested, my voice growing louder without my realizing it until after I said the words. She let out a little huff.
"I'm doing this for you." she finished in an icy voice, staring me down with her beautiful angry eyes. But then her hard gaze softened, like she felt bad for being angry with me, and she scrubbed a hand over her face, turning to look at me again. She took both my hands in hers, bringing them up to her lips and brushed a kiss onto each of them.
"It's getting late. You need sleep." Right. Because my having been asleep all day meant I needed even more sleep. She let go of me then, grabbing her nightclothes and I realized sadly that that meant she was actually going to be wearing them tonight.
"I'm going to go take a shower. I'll be right back." She disappeared behind that flimsy bathroom door, slamming it shut behind her and turning the lock. Letting out a long sigh, I flopped down backwards onto the sheets, my limbs stretched out towards all four corners of the bed in an attempt to make it feel just a little less empty.