24. HOPEFUL
I was my own pack now – me, myself, and I. That's all I needed; all I would ever need. My steps slowed as I moved through a clearing in the forest where everything shone bright and clear. I took a breath, feeling the peace wash over me.
It didn't last long, though.
What the hell did I just do?
I left my pack, my friends, my family.
Was I really doing the right thing?
My steps turned wobbly as I made my way back to the Cullens' place, my courage, my peace, steadily wearing off bit-by-bit now. I can't believe I did that; that I was capable of even doing such a thing. What would my mother say? I don't think this was what she had in mind during our talk earlier. Had I let her down? Had I truly made the right choice?
The Cullens' porch soon came into view, the door already open an inch when I got there. I let myself into this prison or safehouse in my self-imposed exile and slammed the door shut behind me, turning the lock to keep the rest of the world - my world, or what used to be my world - out. I leaned back up against the cool of the glass, willing it to soothe my throbbing head. Taking another breath, I went to find Beau. I didn't need to look far, though. He was in the living room sitting down cross-legged beside Carine on the floor, fingers tapping away on his restless knee. Edythe was lying on the couch in front of them, and Beau was holding her hand tight. A family I'd never be a part of. I tried not to let the sight affect me too much and instead attempted to be even an ounce happy for them - not that it worked, though. It was like my emotions were physically incapable of turning in that direction, keeping me frozen in time, rendering me unable to escape from that dull throb of pain which trapped me in my stead; stopped me from moving on. No, I guess it was still too soon. I turned my gaze on Carine now. She had a stethoscope on and was holding the little circle you'd usually put on someone's chest to Edythe's stomach. From here, I saw that her shirt was pulled up a little. I guess I was staring a little too long though because Edythe immediately pulled down at the hem and bolted upright, sort of embarrassed it seemed. She indicated me with her look and Carine put the stethoscope down on the glass table, showing me a gentle smile from across the room.
"Welcome home, Jules." she said in a kind, quiet voice. My heart thumped twice as loudly in my chest. I never, ever could have dreamed of using that word to describe this place, never imagined it a possibility in any future I could ever think to find myself in. I used to call Sam's pack my home; those vast, open lands we'd roam together as one. But now I couldn't even have that much - there was no way - no way - I could ever go back to them now, and I was only just beginning to feel the pangs of that loss. I didn't know what to say to Carine, so I just looked down at the tops of my sneakers and shoved my hands deeper into the pockets of my shorts.
"Jules." Beau ran over and gave me a hug. I returned it, nestling deeper into the warmth of his chest. It was one good thing to come of this day, at least. The one last person I had by my side.
"You heard?" I whispered.
He nodded, his hand stroking the back of my head. "Edythe kind of sensed it in your thoughts."
"Whoa, keeping tabs on me already?" I chuckled, a little sadly. I couldn't even be mad about it.
"You know it."
It felt nice – nice that he cared so much about me. Maybe they all kind of did in their own way.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. Sam went nuts." I pulled away from the hug thinking I didn't deserve it. Had I simply put Beau and his child in even more danger now instead?
"Hey, don't worry about it. They won't break the treaty as long as I'm still here, you know. They can't hurt us, and they won't." he said in the most confident tone I'd ever heard him take and I so badly wished that I could believe in his words. "Thank you, Jules. I owe you one." He pulled me into another hug and I rested my chin on his shoulder, squeezing him just a little bit tighter.
The sun glinted off the stethoscope and shined in my eyes. I had to wonder about it; what they could find.
"Carine was checking. For a heartbeat, that is." Edythe began, her voice soft. She touched her stomach.
"Stay out of my head." I warned, turning away a little. I didn't have the energy to be too angry, though.
"You wanted to know." She shrugged. I sighed. Whatever. She had a point.
"So, did you… find one? A heartbeat, that is?" I tried to sound as disinterested as possible but kind of failed at that. Carine sat down beside Edythe and they both smiled the exact same smile at the exact same time – wow, like mother like daughter, I guess. For the first time, it almost made me feel kind of excited for them, too.
"Loud and clear." Carine happily announced with a nod. I guess that was a good sign – that the kid was more alive than dead, at least. More like Beau. It was such a strange thought though; Life and Death coexisting so peacefully amongst one another. I sighed thinking of it like that, almost in admiration. It was an impossible phenomenon; a real-life miracle baby. I chuckled a little.
"That's… good." I nodded, pressing my lips together in a sort-of smile. "That's really, really good."
…
I was at the Cullens' place again the next day… and the day after that… and the day after that. You get the picture. Earnest was out hunting again with all the others while Beau, Edythe, Carine and I stayed put. Edythe was downing another glass of O negative in the living room - it was the only thing she could manage to take right now - and I noticed her eyes weren't differing shades of gold anymore but this deep, crimson red. I'm gonna be honest with you, it looked very, very creepy, like some kind of horror flick come to life. Seriously, I didn't realize how much such a little thing like that can totally alter someone's look. I mean, she was scary. But I tried not to complain – it kept her from wanting to sink her teeth into either Beau or myself, so a definite win-win in my book. Carine's been monitoring things as best she can – you know, the whole pregnancy thing; not that there's much she could really do anyways since needles didn't work, nor could ultrasound machines capture anything – and Beau was always with them at these little "check-ups", if you can even call them that. I made a sandwich for Beau and I to share while I waited for him and after putting the bread and the ham and the mayonnaise away, I started up the stairs. When I passed by Carine's office on the second floor, I could easily make out the conversation going on from inside and, out of sheer curiosity, stopped to listen in for a little while out in the hall. Beau was just asking how long it was going to take, and Carine took a breath before answering him:
"… We don't know, there are no records of this at all whatsoever. It can be anywhere from two months to even twenty years. We just don't know." I winced when she said that. I mean, I've never had a kid before but being pregnant for twenty years sounded like actual, literal Hell to me. I shuddered at the thought and hurried away to the bedroom Beau stays in – the one that has an actual bed in it, that is. Go figure. I put the plate down on the nightstand and just as I pulled away, I saw hanging on the metal bedframe the dreamcatcher with the little wolf charm I'd made Beau for his 18th birthday, which seemed a lifetime ago to me. I was different then. A normal kid. It took me forever to pick out the materials; even longer to put it all together by hand and to carve out that little charm from a teeny stump of wood I found in my backyard. I stroked the uneven edges; those little imperfections, artistic in their own way, along the curve of the wolf's back. Mom had to help me with the face a little bit, but other than that it was all me. I was so proud of it, and I still am. Sighing, I sat on the edge of the bed, touching at the feathers which hung down from the wooden loop and ran my fingers over their soft, silky surface.
The door opened. It was Beau.
"Hey." He took a seat beside me.
"Hey." I showed him a smile over my shoulder then stretched up and moved my neck this way and that to look out the open door again. "Where's Edythe?"
"I think she's just asking Carine some more questions. She kicked me out." He laughed, shaking his head.
"Well, that's not very nice of her." I smirked. "But I'm okay with that. It gives me more time with you." I grabbed the sandwich plate and gave him his half. "Eat up."
"Thanks. Cheers." We toasted our sandwiches together like they were glasses of wine, laughing.
I looked at the dreamcatcher again and motioned towards it. "You still have that with you, huh?"
"Obviously. And from now until the rest of my life too, just so you know."
"Wow, I'm touched." I bit back a smile. So it meant something to him, then. I still did.
"Yeah. A little piece of you with me wherever I go. Best friends, remember?" He chuckled, ruffling my hair up. It sort of tickled and I had to laugh again. For one split-second, it had felt like enough.
Best friends. Always. For better or worse. I sighed thinking about that, each thought flashing darker and darker in my mind; closer in shade to sadness. I guess it almost felt like a marriage - well, besides the whole one-sided thing, of course. I thought of the baby again. That's permanent, isn't it? I wondered if it would change things between us.
"So. You're going to be an actual dad, I guess." I shrugged, biting my lip. I still wasn't sure what to think about that, but I'd say it was a step up for me to actually be able to vocalize it out loud. Maybe that meant it was sinking in now; that I was learning to accept it on some level.
His gaze flicked down into his lap and he tugged on his fingers, distracted. I guess he still couldn't believe it himself, either. "Yeah. It's weird hearing someone say it out loud, though."
"Let's be honest here – it is totally crazy."
"Yeah. So crazy." He let out a quiet laugh. I think we both knew that was absolutely an understatement.
"Well, I still feel you'll be pretty great at it, though." I gave his shoulder a little jab.
"You think so?"
"Well…probably." I moved my head teasingly from one side to the other like I had to think about it first.
"Wow, your confidence in me is overwhelming. Guess I'll just have to go and live up to your expectations then, huh? So I don't prove you wrong. That'd be pretty disappointing for everyone, wouldn't it? Especially the kid." Though his tone was joking, I could tell his words still held a hint of uncertainty; of self-derision.
"Trust me Beau, you'll be fine. Everything's going to be alright, okay? Believe in yourself a little more, why don't you?" I shook his shoulder in what I hoped to be an encouraging manner, accenting the action with a smile. And I did honestly believe it - I knew in my heart that any kid would be lucky to call Beau "Dad".
"Thanks, Jules." He pulled me into another hug. Here, in his arms - there was nowhere else I'd rather be. After it, I looked hard at his face – those kind, pale-blue eyes; the small pinkish curve his lips made which looked very soft.
You're sort of beautiful. I remembered him saying that to me so long ago; the way it made my heart pound away in my chest, the way my cheeks flushed as red as his did when he realized he said that out loud. I couldn't help smiling at the memory now looking at him.
If only… Then the darkness again began trickling in through the holes I thought I'd plugged up in the walls of my mind and that dull throb of pain, of hurt, started coming back once more. Beau. My last anchor. My only anchor. My world has changed so much. He was the last familiar thing that tied me to myself; to who I was. I brushed his bangs from his scar. It was mostly healed up by now and I touched it, then the one made on the inside of his wrist from way back when which formed the shape of a mouth, a vampire's imprint, feeling the raised skin under my fingertips. It made my chest hurt. That didn't have to happen. It could have been so different. We could have been different. As easy as breathing.
Why couldn't it have been me?
My hands were holding his cheeks there, stroking them outwards with my thumb. I trailed my fingers down the lines of his jaw and his eyes grew shimmery; pulsing again. Maybe it was the look of those soft eyes or the way his forearms tensed a little when I touched his shoulders like that but something came over me, and suddenly I couldn't think. I thought of the sadness and the madness and the frustration on my end with everything - the past, the present, and the future; the world and all the could-have-beens - and felt it beat down against me like a drum. Life was unfair. Maybe I was just trying to get even.
In one quick, invisible movement as if on instinct, I tugged hard on the collar of his shirt and then my lips were on his. It felt like an electric shock went through my body when I realized what I'd done and, blinking, I pulled away.
He couldn't even look at me.
"Jules." His words came out no louder than a mumble. Despite that look in his eyes and the shame I could feel rising up inside me, I was still holding on to either side of his face; I was still holding on to him.
"Don't do that, Jules. Please." He pulled my hands from his face and held them between us. There was only silence then.
"Pardon me."
Beau and I turned with a start in the direction of that cool voice; that hurt voice.
"It appears I am interrupting something."
Out in the hallway, staring back at us in that heavy silence, was Edythe.
She took a step back and looked down, lacing her fingers tight together in front of her. Beau dropped my hands immediately and rose to his feet, saying Edythe's name. She let out a small breath, blinking, and a silent sadness, pain, was all I could see burning there in the flash of her crimson eyes as she turned around, leaving us and the room behind. I heard her slow footsteps moving carefully down the stairs.
"Edythe!" Beau called again, running to meet her.
I screwed up. Badly. Now I had to fix this.
"Hey." I stood at the top of the stairs looking out over the banister at her. Both she and Beau stopped in their tracks, turning in the direction of my voice. "That was all on me. It wasn't his fault."
"I know." Edythe's voice wasn't mad or angry like I'd expected it to be - how mine's surely would have been if I were in her shoes - but a soft, quiet sound instead. It was a sad sound. Why? I bit my lip, looking up at the roof, then at Beau, and then at Edythe.
"I'm sorry." I said, passing them by on the stairs. "To the both of you."
I left out the backdoors and turned towards the blackness of the forest, not waiting for a response.
…
Sitting below the shade of a giant, sprawling tree, I tossed up a green apple I'd swiped earlier from the fruit bowl, catching it when it came tumbling back down into my my hands, repeating the action again and again till it started to feel all mushy. Too late. I bit into it already.
"Jules!"
An urgent whisper sprang up from the forest behind me. I turned my head with a start trying to figure out where it came from and two figures came into view when I locked my eyes on the far side of the looming wilderness.
"Lee? Sarah?" I leapt to my feet. Theirs were faces I didn't expect to see so soon, and a part of me wanted to literally jump for joy and throw my arms around them both but another didn't want to get them involved in the mess I'd gotten myself into, so I tried hard not to appear as happy as I'd felt seeing the both of them right there in front of me. "What are you guys doing here?"
"We left Sam's pack." Sarah answered in a cheery voice.
"What the hell? Are you guys crazy?" I put both my hands on my hips.
"No. We're your friends first, Jules, not hers." Sarah reasoned, looking to me with her clear, light brown eyes.
"Yeah." Lee agreed with a nod. I shook my head, touching my temples.
"You're going to make Sam hate herself. Not to mention you can't stand the Cullens." I said, trying to give him some kind of reason to go back. I couldn't do this to them; couldn't ostracize them the way I'd ostracized myself. It was so wrong.
"Well, I can't let my baby sister go it alone."
"I can take care of myself." She stuck her tongue out at him. "See, Jules? I told him not to come."
"Shut it." He brought his fist lightly down on her head. "Besides," he looked at me now, "anything's better than being Lee, the loser ex-boyfriend Sam can't get away from." He shrugged slowly; dejectedly. My shoulders fell. I couldn't say I didn't feel for him. It didn't matter, though – this was going to create some waves, and I don't think I can afford nor take any more of that sort of thing. The worst part by far though was that it wasn't just me my choice would be impacting anymore. No matter how much I wanted them to stay with me, how much I wanted them by my side, I knew they shouldn't be here. It was dangerous obviously for one thing, but also, they just didn't need to screw themselves over like I did; didn't need to turn their backs on everything and everyone in their world. I had no right to ask that of them.
"Well, I don't want either of you here. This is my choice. You don't have to stick around and get dragged for it, too." I said very seriously, putting my foot down. At this point, I was even willing to beg Sam on my knees to take them back because they didn't need to pay for this decision I've made.
"We want to be here, Jules. That's our choice." Sarah said like she could read my mind, bringing her fist down onto the palm of her hand. "And we really think you could use our help in case Sam tries anything." I felt my throat tighten just a touch at her words. Sarah was seriously the best of them all. I didn't deserve her. None of us did.
"Yeah. That was pretty harsh of Sam." Lee agreed, but you could tell it still didn't sway his feelings for her. Honestly, I don't think anything ever would. Me and Lee wanted the same thing – we wanted to imprint on someone; anyone. But it just wasn't in the cards for us, if you know what I mean. Not meant to love in that way. I touched my lips, remembering how they felt on Beau's.
"I didn't like when she said that." Sarah agreed with a quick shake of her head. "Plus, how could she even say such a thing in the first place? Babies are just so darn cute!" she squealed, bouncing on her toes like a puppy and bringing her hands to her lips in excitement.
"Yeah, well, it'll be even cuter if it doesn't try to sink its teeth into anyone." I knew I still had to keep that in mind.
"I'm not too worried about it." Sarah shrugged.
"I really, really hope you're right."
"I know it." she assured with a smile. It was easy to believe her when she said it like that. So their minds were set. I guess all I could do now then was to let them in completely; take them in to this shabby little thing called My Pack.
"So, what are we now, the three musketeers?" Lee laughed. I tilted my head, thinking about it that way.
"I like how that sounds." I bit back a smile, stopping to look at him first, then Sarah before turning my eyes on the big white house again.
I took a breath and strode forward with my best friends at my side.
Maybe things won't be so bad after all.