30. WINTER
Winter came much quicker than any and all of the other seasons combined. After Thanksgiving ends, Winter creeps up on you like that runner in last place people didn't think to look out for who barreled forward at breakneck speed last-second, beating out all the competition in that final homestretch of the race to win all the gold. I looked out the window now, the freezing rain pelting the house and streaming down the windows in dark, slanting sheets. Every trace of autumn had been washed away. The trees were bare, the Forks air even grayer than usual as hard as that is to believe and it was so freaking cold - well, at least it felt that way to me, even when I'm pretty sure the heater was on full-blast. Having spent most of my life in a place where 50 degrees Fahrenheit was the lowest it'd ever get on average all year, a winter in Washington to me pretty much felt like a three-month expedition to Antarctica. I shivered, tugging up my wool socks as high as they would go over the hems of my sweatpants. I was wearing an additional pullover on top of my gray sweater and t-shirt and I tugged on the strings of my hood so only a flash of my face could be seen peeking out from it. I threw a quilt over my shoulders, pulling it tight around me before I could find it in myself to actually start moving around the house. I thought to find Jules to warm me up but couldn't bring myself to follow through with it. I was selfish for wanting her warmth, I knew that for a fact and so, resigning myself to the cold, I walked out of the bedroom and shuffled my way downstairs. Just as I passed by Carine's office, the door swung open and out walked Edythe. She eyed me from head to foot and laughed, showing me this mostly mocking but sort of sympathetic smile. I don't even know how she did that with her face. Only her, I guess.
"Aw, poor baby." She squeezed my cheeks together with both her ice-cold hands and I shivered.
"I'm cold." I said through the pout she was forcing on me. She let out a musical chuckle.
"Maybe I'll just have to keep you this way," she smiled, crinkling her eyes. "You're absolutely adorable." she gushed and kissed my pouted lips with her cool ones. Weirdly, it warmed me up just a tad bit and I had to look away.
"Oh, Beau." I heard the grin in her voice. She had me face her again and touched my shoulders, smoothing the layers of fabric down over them with gentle strokes. Lowering her eyes, she sighed. "I'm afraid I can't help you there. If I held you, you'd only feel colder." Her voice was quiet as it left her lips, a strange sense of guilt seeping into the outermost edges of her tone. Before I could say anything though, another voice piped up from behind.
"Heard you were in need of a space heater." As it turned out, Jules found me instead.
"Hey, Jules." I waved. "I would hug you right now, but that would require me to expose my poor, vulnerable arms to the bitter cold. We wouldn't want that now, would we?" She laughed at that and it made me feel happy, too.
"No worries. I got you." She wrapped her arms tight around my blanket cocoon and I could feel the intense warmth radiating from her like an actual furnace diffusing straight through all that fabric and right into me. It felt so nice, but I knew I didn't deserve it. I remembered what Lee said - Jules was far too good to me. I caught Edythe's conflicted gaze then and pulled away from Jules, feeling like I was being too careless with both of their feelings again. Jules noticed I guess, and shifted her weight uneasily from one foot to the other.
"Sorry." she muttered, her voice genuinely repentant. It made me feel ten times worse hearing her say it like that. I pulled the blanket tighter around me and looked back at Edythe.
"It's fine. I want you to be comfortable." Edythe sighed, giving me a little push towards Jules. She nodded once at Edythe but didn't say a word and before I knew it, I was wrapped in Jules' warm arms again.
"Thanks." I said, addressing the both of them. We headed into the living room and just kind of sat all together in front of the TV just to have something to do. An old Christmas movie was on, the one with the ringing bells and the angel wings.
"Carine and I actually watched this together when it first came out in theaters." Edythe chuckled. "And yet, it feels like it was only yesterday." Her voice grew very quiet; distant. She brought a hand in towards her chin and her eyes flickered up towards the ceiling then down into her lap, not looking at the movie at all whatsoever – it was like she was avoiding it altogether. Did she hate being a vampire so much? Did it hurt her to think about how fast time flowed and how differently it passed for her; what that would mean for her and our child? Doing the only thing I could think to do, I gave my wife's hand a squeeze and kissed it. Showing me a sad smile, she leaned her head on my chest.
Just then, she gasped and tilted a brow to the sky, her lips parting in a kind of awe.
"What is it?" I asked, stroking her face.
"He can feel Jules. He feels how warm she is." Edythe let out a small, incredulous laugh and Jules' eyes widened. She reached across my lap and rested her hand on Edythe's stomach, pressing it into the fuzz of the peach sweater she was wearing. Edythe closed her eyes, resting one hand on top of and below the little bump. "He likes you." She chuckled.
"Duh. He's obviously a very smart kid."
"He wants in on the warmth. Mind if we join you and Beau over there?" Jules and I switched places so she was between me and Edythe, who scooted in closer to us both. I tossed the blanket over all our shoulders, evident on my face that I was hoping she'd say yes.
"Fine, whatever." Jules rolled her eyes but let out the tiniest hint of a laugh, pulling the quilt tight around us.
…
"It's snowing." Arch murmured as Edythe and I passed him by on the way to the kitchen. We looked out the window. There was only rain.
"Mm, hate to break it to you Arch, but it's only the rain." Edythe laughed, tapping a finger on the glass. Arch stayed silent. It was only then we realized that his eyes were actually closed. Edythe stopped in her tracks and reached a hand out to his shoulder, shaking it a little. "Arch?"
"Alaska." he muttered.
Edythe raised a brow, her lips pursing in a troubled manner. "What are you seeing, Arch?"
"Ivan… I just had a vision of him leaving home sometime after the snow had accumulated most – I'm sensing sometime around the beginning of March, before spring starts."
"What for?" I could hear the alarm bells in her voice.
"He doesn't know yet. The choice hasn't been made – I see him visiting the place where Lauren was killed in one version, but then I also see him setting off for the world – to travel; be a nomad for however long. And in another – though this one is the blurriest – he's going to see Sulpicia, Athenodora, and Marcus. For what though, I'm not quite sure. It's all a little fuzzy – the Knot, as I call it." He grimaced. "I'm worried… I'm worried he's going to tell them about you."
"But why would he do that? He's kept quiet all this time; it doesn't make sense." Edythe narrowed her eyes, making a movement which saw her finger bounce impatiently off her temple. March… I bit my lip in concentration, sifting through the memories of last year.
Of course.
"No, it does, actually." I whispered, crooking my finger in their direction. They both looked at me. I shook my head and went into the dining room. There, I found Jules biting into an apple. "Jules?" I called out. She looked up at me really quick, her eyes widening as she hurried over. Archie and Edythe were right behind me and I motioned towards them.
"What's wrong?" Jules' voice came out a quick, frantic sound.
"You remember the day Lauren almost got me, right? The day you guys took her out?"
She nodded. "Yeah. It was in March, right? The 4th?" she asked, blinking. Archie and Edythe were looking straight at each other now with wide, pulsing eyes.
"It's the anniversary of her death." I whispered as it hit me.
Jules threw a worried glance at Arch over my shoulder. "You saw something about Ivan, didn't you?"
He nodded at her question. "I had a vision of him leaving home around that time, yes. In one future possibility, he's visiting the Volturi, and that's the one that troubles me most." He shut his eyes again. "Wait… I'm getting another one; a clearer image." He took a breath. "This is strange. I think…I think he's going to ask them to kill him." Archie's jaw dropped. I looked to Edythe and felt a lump forming in my throat. Her eyes were downcast, and I could tell she was seeing the exact same thing I was. Even Jules turned away.
I almost lost you like that, too.
I shook my head, trying to banish the horrific memory from my mind. I brought Edythe's trembling body to mine, kissing the top of her head and pulling her closer to me just to feel her in my arms; to hold her, and take the pain away.
"Oh no… that's exactly what I was afraid of." Arch muttered, touching his fingers to either of his temples.
"What is it?" I asked, panic creeping up in the edges of my voice. Arch grimaced.
"I just got another vision; another possibility… that he really does tell them about Edythe."
"He can't do that. They promised us." Edythe said between her teeth. Arch threw his hands helplessly out to either side of him and shook his head. I could feel this strange heat bubbling in my chest when I realized why he'd want to do such a thing.
"He wants to get back at us," I started in a hesitating breath, "for getting Lauren killed."
"Or perhaps he really thinks that he's doing the right thing." Carine pointed out from across the room, always trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt; to believe in their innate goodness above all else. Unfortunately, I wasn't nearly as forgiving. How could he do this to us? His family?
"Maybe it's both." Jules muttered. That was the next thought which made the most sense to me; the one which tempered that angry but scared voice in my head.
"We have to go see them – right now." Edythe jabbed her finger in a downwards motion, one arm crossed tight over her torso. She started up the stairs to pack but Arch took her hand, pulling her right back to us.
"Hold it, Edy. He hasn't left yet. It won't be for another three months, if it happens at all. And even then, it's only one of a number of possibilities." Arch reminded.
"So, we just sit around and do nothing?" she shot back with a huff.
"No, we be careful. That's all we can do. And don't let your guard down." He said that last part in so low a voice I almost didn't catch the words. His eyes narrowed and he swallowed, hard, like he was upset. Remembering how his memories started coming back earlier this year, I knew exactly why. Seeing that look on his face, Edythe's expression softened and she let out a sigh - he's had experience with this before, which is more than either of us can say for ourselves. Realizing that, Edythe fell back, one hand still on her stomach.
My ringtone blared loudly from the kitchen and it nearly gave me a heart attack.
"It's your dad." Arch said. I zoomed towards my phone at top speed, everyone else following behind me.
"Hey, Dad." I said into the receiver, hoping he couldn't hear me catching my breath.
"Hey, Beau. Hope all is well. I was just wondering if you and Edythe would like to come on over for Christmas. It'll just be us three – how's that sound?" I looked to Arch again and he nodded at the suggestion.
"We'd love to." I said in a fake-cheerful tone, trying my best to sound convincing enough.
"Great. I'll see you kids soon, then." I guess it worked, because Dad sounded pretty excited.
"Alright, sounds good. Bye Dad, take care." I hung up quick, dashing the phone into my sweatpants pocket still thinking about Ivan all the while.
"Don't worry, it'll be good for you guys. Trust me." Although Arch's lips still made a troubled line, his kind eyes were soft, and pure. I mean, how can you not believe him when he looked at you like that?
I squeezed Edythe's hand and we nodded together.
…
When Christmas rolled around, Carine dialed Kirill up to check in, easily disguising it as a call wishing them all a Merry Christmas. Edythe was borrowing one of Carine's red dresses which fit her a little better for when we go to my dad's today, and she touched at the smooth fabric of the skirt with nervous hands as her eyes stayed locked on her mother's back. All of Edythe's family – Jules had left earlier to spend the rest of Christmas with Bonnie, I'd fill her in later - were gathered in Carine's office, listening in on her conversation with her cousins. When Carine hung up, Edythe came up behind her, taking her shoulder with impatience.
"Any news?" She bit her lip, anxious, then pulled her white cardigan tighter around herself. Carine shook her head.
"He has no plans to leave just yet. They're just spending some time together, exchanging a few gifts. Kirill seemed very happy." When she said that, I finally felt like I could breathe normally for once since Arch had those visions earlier this month.
"We still need to be careful, though." Arch cautioned, his voice severe. "I'll keep monitoring things." Jessamine leaned on his shoulder, holding his hand in her lap. She gave it a squeeze and he stroked her hair. Earnest looked to the clock then and touched my back. "It's almost two. You might want to start heading out, I'm sure your father's looking forward to seeing the both of you very much." He showed us a smile. Taking my wife's hand, we started towards the front door together.
…
Edythe and I spent Christmas at my dad's place. It was a quiet affair, just the three of us as promised. Standing in front of the small, balmy green tree which little colorful baubles and cinnamon-scented pinecones hung on, Edythe's slender hand touched at a small red-and-white striped picture frame ornament you can find at any gift shop around the holiday season. In it was a photo of Charlie and Renee holding me as a baby with the words "My First Christmas" inscribed in curly font on the little white plate underneath. Edythe let out the silvery wisp of a chuckle and gently, she took the ornament down from the branch it hung from and held it up with two hands, running her fingers tenderly over the rounded edges like it wasn't some cheap ten-dollar buy from nearly two decades ago but an antique heirloom.
"This is beautiful." She flashed me a radiant smile.
"It's just me and my parents." I shrugged, feeling my cheeks flush the lightest shade of red.
"Exactly." Still looking at the photo, a bright grin lit up her beautiful face. "My goodness, you were absolutely adorable."
"What, and I'm not anymore?" I crinkled my eyes, biting back a smile. She shot me a look then ran her fingers through my bangs.
"Mm, I suppose that hasn't changed." She chuckled, taking my face in her hands. Just as we were about to kiss, Dad popped his head in the doorway, a tray of sugar cookies we helped him bake a little while ago now with him. I'd made some icing in red, green, yellow and blue earlier to decorate the cookies, shaped like giant Christmas lights, with when they cooled down. It was a tradition my mom started and I knew for a fact Charlie never skipped out on it since, even when they weren't together anymore to celebrate. I helped Dad put the tray down and ran to the kitchen to grab the frosting bags, some mini chocolate chips, and three plastic knives and paper plates, laying that all out on the glass table in the living room next to the cookies. We sat down together on the floor and I handed Dad and Edythe the supplies - I've done this every year with my mom growing up, but it was only the second time I got to do it with Dad and the first with Edythe, so that made it pretty special to me. I took up a frosting bag, everyone following suit and I watched as Edythe meticulously spread some red frosting on her cookie, somehow making these pretty, raised rosettes with the one single layer of frosting and her plastic knife. Dad nodded, impressed.
"Wow. You must've been an artist in a previous life." He motioned to Edythe's masterpiece with his plastic knife.
Her mouth formed a knowing smile. "Perhaps." She shrugged, like previous lives really were a thing – I mean, I guess to her they kind of were. I looked down at my own sorry attempt at cookie decorating - the blue was smeared messily all over my hands and made a rough, gloppy layer on the top of my cookie. At least I know it'll taste really good, and I cheered myself up with that thought.
…
Laying all the decorated cookies down on a plastic plate with this giant snowflake design in the middle, I handed it off to Edythe so she could put it back in the kitchen while I helped Dad clean up the living room a little bit, scrubbing down the glass table with a wet rag. Afterwards, Dad put on some Christmas music and we all sat down together in the living room, around the Christmas tree. Dad took from under it a small ice-blue box with a dark green bow on top and handed it to us before we could even offer to give him his gift first.
"What's this?" I asked instinctively with a smile.
"Open it." As was Dad's usual response to that. "It's for the both of you."
Edythe and I tore off the shiny paper together. Inside was a teal Mariners onesie, the team's name and symbol embroidered on the front in blue and silver thread.
"How precious!" Edythe gushed, covering her lips with her hands.
"Wow, thanks Dad." I chuckled. I have to admit, it was kind of cute. It still felt weird to be holding something like that in my hands, though – sometimes I still couldn't wrap my head around the whole baby thing completely, and this was one of those times. It was literally the craziest thing.
"Just saw it the other day at a storefront down in Port Angeles. I figured boy, girl – it doesn't matter." He shook his head and showed us a grin. "You're never too young to be a Mariners fan."
"We love it." Edythe replied in a buoyant voice and squeezed my hand. I nodded in agreement. I could just see it now - Dad on a Monday night with the TV on, whispering "Home Run!" with a tiny person wearing that little onesie slumbering away in his arms. It made me smile.
"We got something for you, too." I quickly added, rising to my feet. I ran over to the coatrack and took from my jacket pocket a little envelope with a tiny red bow on the pointed flap. Running back over to Dad, I held it out for him to take.
"Oh, what's this?" Dad asked, looking from the envelope then to us.
"Open it." I laughed. Edythe and I watched as Dad lifted the flap and his eyes widened and shone.
"A fishing trip to Lake Chelan?"
We nodded. "For you and Bonnie. She already made arrangements for you at work." I said, trying to match the excitement in his voice. Just then though, he narrowed his eyes suspiciously at us. "Wait, are you kids trying to get rid of me?" So he'd caught us already? I swallowed, hard, frantically trying to come up with some sort of cover story on the spot. But then he looked at the passes and started up again in a cheerful voice, "Because it's working." Edythe and I let out a quiet sigh of relief at the exact same time. We've booked lodgings for them starting in the beginning of March - right when Arch predicted Ivan was going to leave home - and would last the rest of the month just in case anything came up and Dad wouldn't have to worry about us. He put the trip passes away, sticking them on the fridge with a little cartoony trout magnet for safekeeping. Easing himself back into his favorite recliner, he looked to us again, smiling.
"Thanks, kids. And tell Carine and Earnest that as well."
"Of course, Dad." Edythe replied easily with a beamish smile and judging by the soft look on Dad's face, I think he liked it just as much as she did when she called him that, so I guess that was pretty nice. A choir's rendition of "What Child Is This" started playing on the radio and Edythe put her head on my shoulder, squeezing my hand. We were all quiet as we listened to it, like we were paying our respects. During the chorus, I looked at the little Mariners onesie again and picked it up, running my fingers over the soft fabric. By next Christmas, Edythe and I will have become a family of three. Our world will never be the same again. The two of us, wholly responsible for this tiny little life we'd created... Yes, we were going to be parents. The thought made my heart beat a little faster in my chest. After the song ended, I looked to Dad.
"What does being a parent mean to you, Dad?"
The question caught him by surprise and he paused for a moment, chewing on his moustache.
"Bit of a loaded question there, Beau." Dad chuckled, scratching the back of his neck. "What does it mean to be a parent…" he repeated out loud and paused again, shifting his jaw. Nodding once, he looked up at the roof then straight at me, his strong brown eyes wavering.
"I guess it means that I have something to fight for, Beau. That I'll protect you at all costs or die trying. That's what it means to me, son." His voice was a clear, resonant sound as it left his lips. Taking a sip of his hot cocoa, he sat back, blinking - I think even he was impressed by his words. I leaned up against the couch cushions and thought, in silence, about what he said for a long time afterwards.
…
Dad had prepared a small Christmas feast with some turkey and stuffing from the store and the cookies we decorated for dessert. I guess I fell asleep on the couch sometime after dinner ended but didn't realize it until I'd woken up and, looking to the clock on the far side of the room, saw that it was almost eleven.
You're up." Edythe started, moving her cool hand from where it was pressing me into her arm. I realized Edythe was wrapped in a quilt – I'm sure courtesy of Dad, of course - and I was laying on her shoulder. Letting out a huge yawn, I brought my arms around her and pressed my lips to her hair.
"Hey." I started, but Edythe shushed me, pointing a finger in the direction of my dad's recliner. I guess I wasn't the only one taking a nap - I heard the familiar sound of Charlie's snoring even from here. Edythe pulled the both of us to our feet. Folding up the blankets we were using, she put them back on the couch and led me to the kitchen. Hitting the lights, we immediately started tidying up the place. I put the leftover cookies in some Tupperware and scrubbed down the kitchen counter. After that, Edythe and I started on the dishes piled high in the sink together, me washing and Edythe drying. When she put the last plate away in the cupboard, she showed me a bright smile and looked up, pointing a finger to the ceiling. I realized then that we were standing right under a mistletoe held up by some invisible string.
"I can't believe it." My mouth fell open and I started to laugh. "Think he did that on purpose?" I leaned in closer to her, putting a hand on my hip.
"I'm sure of it." She chuckled.
"Wow. I didn't think he was the type." I said, genuinely surprised and actually kind of impressed - that was pretty sneaky of him. I looked to Edythe again, my lips pulling up into a big grin. I flashed my eyebrows at her. "Shall we?"
"We shall." Edythe purred. Her hands, still wet from helping with the dishes, came up behind my ears and my own hands were slippery as I ran them gently down her neck, stroking her shoulders and tracing the curves of her body from under the red dress as I pulled her in by the small of her waist. She hooked her arms around my neck and stretched up towards me on her tiptoes, brushing her lips lightly against mine innocently enough at first - probably what Dad had in mind when he put up that mistletoe - but then she pulled away a little and gave me this look, that hungry one again which made all the muscles in the pit of my stomach tighten up and that first little kiss deepened into something more fervent; more passionate and I could only respond in kind. The next thing I know our lips were crushed against each other and unable to think of anything else, my hands grabbed hold of her waist and I picked her up, pushing her up onto the kitchen counter as our breaths quickened, her cool lips meeting my hot ones again and again. I ran my fingers through her hair and she squeezed my arms then the back of my shoulders, my breath hitching as her tongue found mine. But then I had to wonder if that was the sort of thing you should really be doing on a day like Christmas in your dad's house and regretfully, I pulled away from my wife, still holding her face in my hands. Edythe gave me a confused look at first, but then she started to laugh.
"Wow, you're not the one attacking my face this time. Now that's a twist." she joked.
"We're at my dad's place," I reminded her, my voice growing soft and cracking a little in embarrassment.
"Oh Beau, you're awake. Hey, kids." Right on cue, Dad's voice sounded from the kitchen entrance and I almost jumped a mile high in the air as he came striding on over to us. I could feel those red splotches creeping up on me again as I wondered how much he saw, but Edythe was already off the counter, standing beside the refrigerator looking busy with a small stack of Tupperware so Dad would be none the wiser.
"Hey, Dad. Yeah, I'm up." I scratched my nose, leaning up against the empty kitchen counter as I crossed and uncrossed my legs, trying to act natural. Dad gave me a weird look but before he could question me, Edythe piped up, "Hi, Charlie. We were just cleaning up a little. We hope you don't mind."
"Don't mind?" He laughed good-naturedly. "Thanks, you two."
"It's no problem at all. Honest." I assured Dad. I guess still unconvinced though, he took some of the Tupperware from Edythe and sorted them out neatly for her, sliding them into the back of the fridge. Edythe and I exchanged a laughing smile.
"You two heading home soon?" he asked, throwing a glance at us over his shoulder. "If you're still tired, you know you're always welcome to stay the night."
I shook my head. "Thanks, Dad. But it's okay. We'll head out in a little bit after finishing up in here. We'll visit again soon, though."
"You better." he said pretty seriously, shaking a finger at us.
"Of course we will." I reassured him. Dad looked genuinely relieved to hear that and I could feel the expression on my face faltering as I looked at him. When he did that, it made me feel, I don't know, guilty - how could I have even thought of leaving him and Mom behind? Edythe was right – I couldn't do that to them. I guess noticing the look on my face, Edythe showed me a sad, tender smile like she knew exactly what I was thinking of; trying to tell me without the words that I was making the right choice for everyone. But what about her? The baby? How could I ever leave the both of them?
No. I wouldn't. Of course.
I made up my mind. I'll stay human for now - I'll do that for Mom and Dad. But after they're gone, that's when I'll change - for Edythe, for the baby. Hopefully, I still have plenty more years until then though, of course. It was perfect - I'll take care of them. I'll take care of them all.
It felt nice, finally making the decision.
I let out a breath. That wasn't so bad after all.
I felt Edythe's cool hand on my arm and I turned to look at her.
"Yeah?" I asked, twining our fingers together.
"What are you thinking of now, Beau?" Her tone matched mine.
"It's nothing. Don't worry about it." I shook my head. I still didn't know how exactly I was going to tell her; how she'd feel about it. I guess it showed on my face though, because she suddenly looked concerned.
"You do realize that whenever you say that it makes me worry about you ten times more, right?" Letting out an exasperated sigh she stared at me, her eyes seeming to bore right through mine with that frustrated look I knew so well on her trying to read me but then she gave up, casting a glance at Charlie over her shoulder instead. Lips pursed, she turned to look at me again.
"We'll talk about this later, then. I'll hold you to it." she whispered, jabbing a finger lightly into my chest then trailing it down my arm in an icy path as she went up to Charlie, helping him put the last of the leftovers away. Afterwards, we met Dad by the front door. I shrugged on my winter coat and helped Edythe into hers. She gave me that look again; like she was kind of annoyed by my gesture, but also kind of touched by it too at the same time so I chose to overlook that little "annoyed" part.
Dad gave us each a hug. "Drive safe, you two. Take care." He waved us off as we walked down the driveway. I could literally feel the freezing air chapping my lips now, it was that cold. The first thing I did after starting the car (Edythe let me drive today as her Christmas present to me) was turn the heater on full-blast. As we drove away, Dad stayed watching us from the porch until we were out of sight.
We'll see you soon. I thought with a smile. Once on the main road, the outline of the bare, swaying trees on either side of the car passed us by in dark, flourishing shades of gray and blue. Leaning back in her seat, Edythe let out a sigh, crossing her arms tight over her chest.
"Well?" her velvety voice started from beside me. "Are you going to tell me what's troubling you or not?" Her face was illuminated by the dim glow of the dashboard lights making it look even more beautiful, as impossible as that is to believe. Her full pink lips, parted, looked like they were glowing; her eyes made long and mesmerizing as they narrowed slightly like a model ready for her close-up. I guess I was staring too long because she frowned impatiently and tilted her head, waiting. Yet, there was something about the way she did that which made it hard to breathe in and out like normal. Suddenly remembering what the heck she was asking me, I turned towards the road again to collect my thoughts.
"Oh. Why do you always assume it's something bad?" I asked, squeezing the wheel. "It could have been something good instead, you know."
"Is it now?"
"Well… I mean, I think so. You probably will, too – at least, I hope you do."
"Let's hear it, then."
"I've made an important decision." I proudly announced.
"Oh?"
"Yeah. About… changing." I moved my head from left to right matter-of-factly.
"You told me already. You're not going to change." Her voice had no give to it; like it was a command rather than an observation. She sat up straight in her seat, folding her hands in her lap and looking to me with hard eyes.
"No, I said I wasn't going to change yet." I corrected. She sighed at that.
"I was right. It is something bad." she whispered, shaking her head. I turned to her again, still keeping one eye on the road.
"Why is that bad, exactly? Look, you told me that getting turned will mean losing Charlie and Renee, and you're right – I can't do that to them. And I won't."
"Then why are we having this conversation?"
"I meant… after." I answered, blinking. It hurt to think about that sort of thing, but I knew it was going to happen one day, that was inevitable.
"No." She still shook her head.
"No?" I repeated, confused. "It'll be years and years from now-" I stopped just then. Wait, was that the issue? I thought seriously to myself even when in the back of my mind I knew I was being ridiculous. But still…
"You won't want me around when I could pass for your father… or grandfather. Is that it?" I said it more to myself than to her, but she caught it. Her mouth fell open, eyes blazing with fire. I winced. That was the most absolute worst thing to say on my part and she made sure I knew it.
"How dare you say something so insulting to me, Beau? I've told you this before and I will tell you again – do you seriously not understand the depth of my feelings for you?" Her voice grew louder; almost… metallic. I could tell how much it hurt her and I instantly regretted thinking such a thing in the first place.
"I'm sorry, Edythe." I sighed, looking down. "I know, I know. It's just that, well, I don't understand why you're so against it. I thought you'd be happy with that; happy that I was going to wait."
"And I am, Beau. Really. I just hoped that meant you wouldn't want to change at all, that it would be enough for you to just live a long, happy life with me." Her hands touched her chest and her voice grew more forceful.
Her words brought me up short because there was some truth in them now. I bit my lip, looking away. "Maybe… maybe I did want that-"
"And that's the way it's supposed to be." she pushed.
"But that was before – you know, before we found out. It's different now." I shot back.
"So, I'm forcing that decision on you, too. All because of what I am… I suppose he had no choice in the matter either, did he now?" Her voice trailed off then, her wrists crossing tight over her stomach. She was quiet for a long time, her eyes staring straight out in front of her. "It's not right, Beau."
"Hey, hey, hey. Where's this all coming from now?" I asked, concerned. She raised her brows, pained, her eyes wide and shining like she was about to cry. Not another moment later though, her expression did a total one-eighty and she narrowed her eyes, glaring at me from below her pale lavender lids.
"I'm not human, Beau. No matter how hard I try to pretend that I am." Her voice grew louder.
"No. You're even better." That was the honest truth.
"But I'm a literal monster." Her voice shook then got super quiet. "And to have a monster like me as his mother... perhaps he'll resent me for it."
"You are not a monster, Edythe." I quickly interjected, my voice rising. I clenched my jaw tight, trying to come up with some way I can get that through to her; to comfort her. "Do you resent Carine?" I asked, but it was a rhetorical question. To my surprise though, she didn't answer right away, her eyes darting from her window to mine then the windshield to look out at the dark, winding road ahead of us. She let out an impatient breath, like she was irritated with me for asking her such a thing and making her think about it in the first place but ultimately, I knew that anger was only directed at herself.
"Of course I don't." she finally managed. "She thought she was doing the right thing."
"Let me guess… you don't though, do you?" She didn't say anything to that, but she didn't have to - I knew her answer already. Her face looked pained; anguished. Like she felt she was breaking apart inside. She brought her fingers to rest on her now-quivering lip and I could tell she was sad again. To see her like that made my own heart tighten in my chest and I felt my throat clench up. It hurt me, too.
Blinking back the hotness settling in behind my eyes, I slowed the car down and pulled us over on the side of the road.
"You've told me once before that he loves us," I took her hand in mine and squeezed it. "Obviously, you're a part of that equation, aren't you?" I chuckled in hopes of lifting her spirits and lightening up the burden which weighed so heavily down upon her shoulders; the burden which I knew she saw in herself.
"But he doesn't know-" she protested with a little sob but I stopped her, putting a finger to her lips.
"And, if I recall correctly, you've also told me that he's very smart as well, isn't he?"
"Yes, but-"
"He loves you, Edythe. Everything that you are. That's all there is to it." I took her face in my hands. Her fingers reached up towards my wrists and she held me there, eyes wavering. Maybe she believed me now. "And so do I, of course." I added with a chuckle. The hint of a smile played up at the edges of her full pink lips and she nodded.
"And I love you. So much." she answered in a faltering voice that broke with emotion. Leaning over the gearshift, I pulled her to me and brushed a dozen kisses on her forehead then her cheek and then her lips. In the silence of the night, I held her close to me as best as I could given the space between us and I let her ear press up against my chest so she could listen to my heart; the way it beat only for her. We stayed that way until the sky was filled with stars.
By the time I caught sight of the dashboard clock, I realized it was already midnight.
"Let's go home." I hugged her tight one last time and started the car up again, the headlights illuminating the yellow reflectors on the road in front of us and making a bright path of light in the dark.