Saturday, September 24, 2011
12
after slow death
love must clean house
choose memories to keep
and memories to let go
give each lamentation
an ear to hear
a heart to lay rest
let no soul forget
an eternity of desire awaits
· when angels speak of love by bell hooks
everything I wanted by Billie Eilish
Bonnie cursed her small stature for the millionth time in her life. Then she cursed the Salvatore's for not having a proper step ladder. There was a special place in hell for people like them.
Knowing my luck they'll know Satan on a first name basis. Probably charm him and force me to reach things without a proper step ladder for eternity. Hell this could be hell right now and I am just hallucinating being back alive.
Bonnie hadn't gotten used to being alive again just yet. It had only been a few days and yet the whole thing felt surreal. Sometimes she expected to wake up on the other side where no one saw her and no one heard her. Sometimes she'd find herself reliving death, her father's murder, everything just like it was happening all over again. Those were the moments that being alive felt the most jarring.
Despite her current mental stressors, Bonnie was determined to live life to the fullest. So, she didn't protest when Caroline suggested they have a get together at the boardinghouse. After getting her marching orders from Caroline she headed to the kitchen to get the champagne glasses.
Bonnie no longer had access to her powers, she still had a bit of a sixth sense when it came to Damon Salvatore. The quiet shuffle of his walk and the great aura of his smarmy nature and egotistical attitude announced him.
"What do you want Salvatore?" she spoke curtly but inside she was giddy. She'd never admit it out loud but pushing Damon's buttons was something she had missed. But only a little bit.
"First of all, this is my house munchkin," Damon retorted happily.
"Secondly?" Bonnie's attention was split between Damon and the glasses. She was making one more attempt to reach the champagne glasses on her tiptoes.
"There is no second of all. I feel like the fact that this is my house should inspire you to talk to me with a little more eloquence and decorum."
"Fine. What doth the Lord Salvatore require of me?" Bonnie's hands were so close, she was now jumping slightly almost reaching the first glass.
"Lord Salvatore. I think I can get used to that," Damon's voice lowered a few octaves. Although Damon had a knack for seductive intimidation, Bonnie believed she was mostly immune to his tricks. She looked over to glare at him and instantly regretted it.
Damon was leaning against the island almost directly behind her smoldering. With an impish smirk, hooded eyes and his perfectly sculpted eyebrow slightly raised he was the blue-eyed devil personified. Bonnie felt herself blushing.
Damon's wonderfully sobering personality wasn't having its normal effect on her. Bonnie finally huffed out an exhale causing him to smile. He looked like he was laughing at an inside joke. Bonnie almost wanted to be in on the joke. Almost.
"Fuck off," she retorted with no serious venom. Instead she focused her energy on quickly grabbing the glasses. Bonnie attempted another Bonnie hop but accidentally jumped slightly backwards. Before she could slip off the step Damon had a hand on the small of her back just above her buttocks.
Damon's touch was gentle. His hands were larger than expected. Most of the small of her back covered by the palm of his hand. I'm not that small, am I? Also why am I feeling a breeze? She realized that she was wearing one of her shorter dresses.
Hot from embarrassment Bonnie grabbed Damon's wrist to steady herself as he gently pushed her back on the stool. Bonnie didn't know what to do with herself when suddenly she felt Damon's leg in between hers as he reached for the champagne glasses. His hand slipped from her back to her ribs as she held onto his wrist.
His chest was on the back of her head and she felt crammed against the counter. Jostling slightly as he brought the glasses down two at a time. His warmth brought a fire to her cheeks she was not prepared for. You always know how to make things awkward don't you. She thought out loud. The heat of his body disappeared as quickly as it appeared.
Damon set the glasses down neatly on the tray Caroline had set out earlier. Bonnie didn't know what to say. As usual her awkwardly mentioning the awkwardness made the mood even more awkward.
Crossing her arms she wished she could disappear. Her ears were on fire and Damon was purposefully not keeping eye contact with her. "Thanks, "she whispered.
"Uh hum," Bonnie grimaced as she watched Damon fill a platinum bucket with ice. Deciding not to make a bigger deal of the situation then it already was, she moved the conversation along.
"So, what did you want Damon?" Damon shoved the bottle of champagne in the bucket forcefully, before taking a deep breath and staring at her. No hint of a smile on his lips, just a look of annoyance.
He grabbed a small manila envelope from his back pocket and through down on the counter.
"For you. I technically still must be invited in. I put your family homes in trust, at the very least if you die again, it will be safely held until you return. I warn you next time I wont be so helpful. So don't die."
Ignoring Damon's less than amicable tone. Bonnie opened the envelope and the keys to her Grams' and her Dad's houses were inside. Damon's rose keychain was holding them together. Bonnie couldn't hold back her smile.
"Wait you did all of this in a week?" Bonnie asked looking up and seeing Damon's softened expression.
"I didn't do it personally," he spoke shyly, "I have lawyers for that. I made a call or two, couldn't have my little bird comeback homeless."
Bonnie didn't know what to say and as usual that seemed to make Damon happy. Instead she just stared at the keys in her hand holding back tears, feeling incredibly tingly.
"I know. Smart, handsome, and thoughtful," and Bonnie was no longer tingly" oh, no what will Damon Salvatore think of next."
Damon pulled something out of his other back pocket a ticket to a spa day at the best spa in Richmond. Bonnie took the tickets and noticed the purchase date was September 17, 2011, the day of her funeral.
At her funeral Damon barely reacted, it wasn't like she expected him to cry or anything but, well she expected he would be angry. Although she never believed he truly cared for her as a person, seeing the way he reacted with Jeremy she expected something more. Now it all made sense. Damon had a plan to resurrect her all along.
In the short span of time, he knew she was dead he managed to save her homes, console her friends, and convince a near goddess to fulfill her promise to resurrect her. Damon was formidable. And it had never been more obvious to Bonnie that he cared.
Bonnie's cheeks were painfully taught from smiling. Damon was stupid and kind. Cunning and caring. Brilliant and devilish all at the same time. She knew all these things about him yet because of how things started between them she overlooked it all. Faced with a second chance at life because of him, she no longer hated him. She felt nothing at the moment but trust and appreciation for him.
"You know I was wrong about you Damon."
"Wait what was that? Is that a thank you and an apology coming to me from the Bonnie Bennett," Damon returned Bonnie's smile sliding closer to her, ear cupped in his hand.
"Asshole," Bonnie slapped his arm, and Damon rubbed his bicep, lip curled out cutely.
"Asshole? Well that isn't a great way to start a thank you and an apology."
Bonnie sighed happy that whatever awkwardness that had been there was now gone, "Thank you, Damon, for not being a total ass wipe and helping Jeremy bring me back to life."
"Jeremy?" he crossed his arms," Okay fine, whatever, but I think your missing something."
Bonnie hummed, blinking slowly in concentration, "What do you mean? I said thank you."
"And?"
Bonnie tilted her head to the side as the crease in Damon's brow deepened.
"You. Are. Sorry." Damon spoke slowly fingers pressed together as they emphasized each word.
"Sorry for what? "Bonnie's arms were crossed again," For dying?"
"And for hiding it from your best friend for three months? For forcing her brother to hide it from everyone for those months? Just to name a few things."
Bonnie couldn't help but roll her eyes. Damon of all people had no right to ask her for an apology.
"I get that I owe my friends," she emphasized the friends," an apology but why would I apologize to you?"
"Isn't it obvious Bon de replay," Bonnie rolled her eyes again. He must have been waiting to use that one. Swear to god if he says another stupid thing that makes me roll my eyes again I might pass out from vertigo.
"One hundred and fifty years and not one Bennett died prematurely then you come in and ruin my streak. When my end-of-life b-roll plays I refuse to be blamed for you actively murdering yourself. Plus I may have missed you a little."
It was sort of flattering for Bonnie to hear that he missed her. Sort of. Bonnie dipped her fingers in the bucket of ice before flicking Damon with water, "you missed using me Damon not me".
"I said I missed you. I know your ears are tiny little bird but do clean them. " Damon flicked water back at her, "Although I'm not going to lie having access to a highly useful and capable witch is definitely a plus."
"Was that your attempt at a compliment cause it sucked. Do yourself a favor stick to the insults it's more your speed," Damon responded by flipping her off and sticking his tongue out at her. Bonnie picked up a piece of ice and was going to through it at Damon's head when he caught her wrist in a vice grip.
"You know what scratch the apology. I want one free magical favor. "
"I'm not a Genie Damon and I am magicless remember," Bonnie tried to release her hand that was searing from the ice melting in her palm. Damon wouldn't let her go instead he pulled her closer.
"Temporarily. But with the right amount of motivation, I bet you'd, get your powers back," he crooned.
"Is that a threat?" Bonnie felt her heart skip a beat, but she resisted the urge to look him in they eye. She knew what lie down that road.
"Doesn't have to be," he whispered his breath tickling her top lip," Come on. Just the one, Bon. I earned it."
"Fine just the one," she whispered back her eyes looking everywhere but his.
"Pinky promise. I don't do blood oaths since the last Bennett gipped me," Bonnie raised her pinky finger and Damon wrapped his around hers in answer.
Damon stared at her waiting for her to meet his gaze. Bonnie finally gave in. His cerulean eyes gleamed, pulling her into a trance that had her spine tingling. Bonnie finally huffed out another deep breath.
Smiling, Damon let go of Bonnie and she immediately threw the remaining piece of ice in the sink. Her skin was hot flushed with fever she couldn't describe. Bonnie wasn't sure how Damon could turn from being pleasant to threatening in such a short time but she hated it. She hated how he could control her breathing with just one look.
Next time she wouldn't be so flustered. The doors to the kitchen opened wide as Elena burst in. Elena looked at Bonnie briefly barely smiling before locking eyes with Damon. She looked highly annoyed when she beckoned him to follow her out of the kitchen. Which he did obediently.
"What is taking you so long Bonnie?" Caroline stomped into the kitchen hands on hips.
"Great you finished," Caroline grabbed the bucket full of ice and champagne," get the tray will you."
Bonnie followed Caroline to the Salvatore's outdoor courtyard designed in the venetian style. It looked haunting with it's cobblestone walkways covered in moss. Archways covered in dead Wisteria branches and marble statues. In spring it would have been the most beautiful place but now as fall approached it was becoming haunting. They were set up near the larger water fountains in the sun, it was a strangely perfect 72-degree day.
Caroline had decided on a buzzy brunch outdoors and had invited everyone to attend even Damon. So far only Damon and Elena were missing. Jeremy and Matt were caught up in a conversation with Stefan who had until recently been keeping the sick Katherine company. Bonnie decided to vent to Caroline about Damon requesting an apology from her and was surprised when Caroline agreed with him.
"You basically catfished us, or dead fish, or is it live fish," the girls had stepped away and were talking hidden behind the water fountain cornered by a hedge maze.
"Seriously? Caroline what was I supposed to do everything was already fucked up and I just wanted you all to be happy. I'm sorry that I hurt you, but I really meant well," Bonnie sighed feeling her palms itch and her eyes water.
"Look Bonnie, I get it. You didn't want to hurt us and for that reason I forgive you. But you can't expect us to be okay like nothing happened cause, losing you hurt and finding out you lied hurt worse," Caroline put her hand on Bonnie's shoulder," Elena will come around. You know how she is. She avoids and avoids until she comes at you all frustrated later. She loves you and is a little disappointed, so just confront her and apologize. Otherwise, she'll keep avoiding you thinking she is doing you the favor by not saying anything."
"Will do Care Bear. Again, I am sorry," they hugged it out," By the way what's up with Damon and Elena. She seemed like really upset with him."
"Oh, they have been like that all week. One minute they are in love and the next minute they are biting each others heads off and not in the sexy I want you way," said Caroline.
"I can't blame her. Most days I actually want Damon's head to be torn clean off."
"And the other days?"
"What do mean?
"Jeremy is coming, "Caroline waved at Jeremy conspicuously changing the subject.
Even during her time on the other side Jeremy's presence still left Bonnie with a level of uneasiness she was not ready to admit to anyone. She had been working hard to forgive him for what happened, but things just weren't the same. She loved him, her sacrifice was evidence enough of that, but she wasn't sure she was in love with him anymore, "Hey Jer."
"Hey Bon, you think we can talk?"
"Umm sure, maybe later like somewhere more private."
"Sure, by the way I got you something?"
"What?" Jeremey revealed a single pink rose. It was an American Climber that appeared to be ripped from one of the trellises along the Salvatore's Garden.
"I think pink roses are your favorite."
American Climbers were beautiful, but they were not the Bonica's she had grown accustomed to. Still Bonnie felt overcome with butterflies her stomach felt weightless and her head was light," Thanks Jer, its lovely."
"Glad you love it," Jeremy hugged her lifting her off the ground and the butterflies intensified, becoming painful even. Bonnie wondered if this was the sign, she was looking for to get back with Jeremy.
"How is Elena doing?" Care asked," Bonnie's going to talk to her and needs all the intel she can get."
Bonnie spoke gravely," Is she mad?"
"Don't get me wrong Bon we are happy you are back. Really but its been tough on my sister. I think she feels guilty."
"Why would she feel guilty." Bonnie tried to keep her voice steady. Why should Lena feel guilty? Would it have been nice not to have to sacrifice herself all the time, yes. But she didn't do it because she felt pressured to, she did it because she loved her friends, she would do it for any of them.
"She was mad at me about the whole lying thing and I defended you about it. Damon didn't help the situation cause he defended me. Anyway she has been on an emotional tirade ever since. Damon thankfully has been on the receiving end of it."
"Wait what?" Bonnie's heart sank. Damon had grilled her but had any of the things he mentioned been his actual concerns?
Elena had a way of feeling "guilty" and making things worse. Bonnie felt her head spinning causing her to feel weightless. She could still hear the way all the girls in school teased Derek McKnight after Elena confessed to nearly every girl at school that Derek had tried to flirt with Elena at Tyler's party even though he had asked Bonnie to the dance the day before. Elena's "confession" was thorough in embarrassing him and Bonnie. A lot of girls called Elena a hero for telling the truth about Derek and no longer talked to him after that. Bonnie was "encouraged" not to talk to him either.
Bonnie never saw it happen and Derek never wanted to explain it to her. He didn't want anything to do with her or any girl at Mystic Falls high school afterward.
Bonnie was heart broken and wasn't sure she wanted everything to be blown up that way. After she explained how she felt to Elena, Elena cried. She said she felt guilty for not saying anything at the party cause she knew Bonnie liked Derek. But she didn't think Derek would own up to his behavior if he was confronted. Elena explained that she was just trying to help Bonnie get away from someone that wasn't good for her. At the end of the conversation Bonnie felt like a bad guy for even mentioning it.
Bonnie loved that Elena cared deeply for her friends, but she sometimes didn't handle things well. Damon went above and beyond for Elena; Bonnie could see that even before she saw the two together while she was on the Other Side. He didn't deserve to be on the butt end of something that was her fault. Elena was more than likely so frustrated that she couldn't process her emotions properly. She had always been like that, but it got worse after her parents' death and even worse after her transition. Bonnie had to get ahead of the situation before it got worse.
Bonnie approached Damon and Elena on the tail end of a quiet confrontation. " You know what Elena I'm getting tired of this. I'm sorry my sense of humor isn't to your liking but you should no by now I wouldn't hurt her."
"Well, you've done it before Damon."
"Seriously, how did we get here? How did me defending your brother for supporting his girl turn into me being the bad guy again?"
"Don't start that Damon it's not about what Bonnie did. And I am not accusing you of being a bad guy. Bonnie has been through enough and she doesn't need you or me pushing her."
"Pushing her, she decided to throw her life away on her own. If you feel so guilty about it why do you keep complaining to everyone about how sad you feel about her lying. Obviously, your upset she lied that's fine but why are you making it about you."
"Really now you are calling me selfish for feeling sorry for my friend?"
"I didn't call you selfish!" Damon's voice started to raise but he took a deep breath," If you're mad cause she lied, then just say that. Don't take it out on everyone else because we support her decision."
"First, I am selfish now I am taking it out on others. You make me sound like a child. I am allowed to be upset Damon."
"Babe, I know you aren't a child. And I get that you are upset. You love her, she is like a sister to you. I really do get it. I'm just saying that Bonnie loves you and there is no reason to feel guilty about her doing what she thought was best. I would do it for you. She just wanted us to be happy. Can't you see that?"
"Sure, but before she would tell me everything," Elena's tone was cutting and was obviously implying that Damon was the problem.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Bonnie's heart leaped in her chest, she had to act before things got worse.
Bonnie walked in," Elena can I talk to you."
"Damon and I are kind of…" Damon decided in that moment to storm away.
"I am sorry," the words slipped out as Bonnie noticed the hurt in Damon's eyes.
"No, it's fine, Bonnie. Damon is just being Damon. What did you want to talk about?" Elena swung her hair over her shoulder and crossed her arms eyebrows raised. Bonnie recognized that Elena was pissed and doing her best to hide it.
"I wanted to apologize. For lying about being dead and for having Jeremy lie to you," Bonnie's heart was in her throat. For some reason she was worried that something horrible would happen if Elena didn't forgive her.
"Wow, your just stealing lines from Damon now," Bonnie gasped. Did she ease drop?
"Sorry, that came out wrong. It's not like I wanted to hear. I'm a vampire remember; I can hear things. Look I appreciate the apology Bonnie even if I am the last one to hear it. I just don't get why? Why did you lie to me?"
Bonnie was in tears now, "You were happy Elena, and I didn't want to ruin it. Plus, there was no way to know that I would be able to come back."
"And I get that Bonnie but still, it sucks to be lied to. I am happy you are back. Truly happy. I am just not okay with you hiding things from me," Elena lowered her head for a minute before taking a deep breath and revealing her face to show her tears," It's not the first time you've done that, but I really would like for it to be the last."
Bonnie felt shame wash over her, seeing Lena cry always hurt. Lena was her oldest friend, her sister. Lena had been by her side when no one else was. Not even her own mother could say that. No matter how frustrating this situation was she hated what she had done to Lena.
"I get it. And I'm sorry please don't be mad at me Lena. Especially not when we should be happy. I want you to be happy."
"I am happy. I missed you. And I am glad you are back," Elena giggled wrapping Bonnie in a bear hug. The lump in Bonnie's throat softened slightly but she still felt guilty.
Stefan walked into the room," Hey Elena, Caroline's looking for you. Something about I don't know she needs you."
"Okay Stefan," Elena's fingers gripped Bonnie just a bit tighter," Talk later?"
Bonnie didn't know what to say or do. She felt like crap, but she wasn't even sure if that was right thing to feel. It's like Derek McKnight all over again. Bonnie knew it was useless to try and reason with Elena about it. Elena meant well and fighting her on it would just make matters worse.
"You, okay?" Stefan asked approaching her carefully. Stefan was always very gentle with her, as if she really were a little bird.
"Yeah, I am fine Stefan," her words sounded hollow.
"You know Elena and Damon, spent three months happily oblivious that we were not around."
"I know," I saw," What's your point?
"All I am trying to say is, that you shouldn't let anyone make you feel guilty for how they feel and for what they did."
"But I lied to them Stefan."
"You cared enough to spare them heartbreak. I imagine being dead wasn't an easy thing to process either. Plus, three months is a long time for them not to notice something was wrong."
Bonnie couldn't help but feel that Stefan was venting about his own situation. Bonnie couldn't imagine the pain he went through. Drowning repeatedly, with no one to help you. No one who cared enough to come and find you. At least she had Jeremy covering for her. Stefan had no one. Bonnie felt a renewed sense of anger, not for herself but for Stefan.
"I am sorry you had to go through that Stefan," Bonnie felt awful. She wished she could have helped Stefan.
"Do not do that Bonnie Bennett. Do not apologize. You of all people do not deserve to feel guilty for the mess we put you through," Stefan grabbed Bonnie's shoulders where Elena had but his touch was soothing," We do not deserve you."
Bonnie started crying again, and a great weight was lifted off her shoulders. Stefan ever the gentleman handed her a handkerchief," Wow you really are the nicer Salvatore. You had a hanky and everything."
"I really don't have much competition. My brother can be an absolute cad sometimes."
"He can be good too. Infuriating and unforgivable but he is still capable of good."
Stefan smile grew from ear to ear," I think so too. When I don't want to tear his head off that is."
Bonnie and Stefan laughed filling the small space with warmth. Bonnie realized that she didn't mind Stefan. Although he and his brother had a similar pension for getting themselves in the worse life and death situations, that only she could get them out of. They were still good people. Misguided but good. She didn't hate either Salvatore really. In fact, she kind of liked them both.