6

amid cornfields

cabbage rows

hot peppers

tall tomato vines

Succulent ripe hearts wail

all order

neat in nature

living to give sustenance

for wounded spirits

wild asparagus

honeysuckle trails

hanging borders

Eden all would abandon

to not be alone

even in paradise

i dream you are

coming love

to resurrect me

to save me from decay

and lead me home

When Angels Speak of Love by Bell Hooks

Lovely by Billie Eilish and Khalid

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Blood was gushing from Damon's wound as he lay helplessly on the cave floor. "No," Bonnie cried out desperate to reach Damon but she couldn't move. She was stuck, trapped by the magic that was meant to set them free, together. The last thing she saw was a soft smile, before she was lifted up into the light, into the unknown.

This can't be happening! I need you, I can't go back without you!

Bonnie started to stir on the couch, her body flushed with fever from the nightmare and her wound. It had been nearly two weeks since she had been placed on this couch by Kai. At first, she tried to fight him, but the pain of her wounds were too great for her to resist him.

Bonnie barely remembered anything as she was out for the most part while he patched her up, to her surprise he was surprisingly gentle.

"Lucky for you Bonster, the wound isn't deep enough to need stitches. Sadly, for me, I won't be able to flex my cool sewing techniques. I mean I never tried them on human flesh but the movies make it look so easy."

Kai waited for a response but Bonnie only moaned lightly, eyes closed from pain, "Joking, bet you would have never guessed I was pre-med, would you? "

Bonnie didn't respond she just felt the pain in her stomach growing heavier, with each dab of cotton," I was even on the fast track at Whitmore, for med school. I think I would have made a very sexy surgeon."

Kai finished cleaning her wound before applying a bandage," There we are," Kai kissed his hand before patting Bonnie's stomach roughly," all better."

Bonnie coughed finally noticing that she was shivering cold," Except for the fact, that you may go into shock if I don't get enough fluids and blood in you, and some antibiotics. Luckily for you I have plenty of experience with that, I used to play with my mother's iv drip when she was in her coma. Only time she let me touch her. I'd poke her with it just to see if she'd wake up and hit me."

Bonnie was distracted from her own pain as she focused on Kai's pain. Bonnie knew he had murdered his family but the idea that his mother had been sick and the only way he could connect with her was through torturing her, felt twistedly relatable to her. Bonnie started to actually feel sorry for Kai, that was until he said," It was my fault she was in a coma, I pushed her down the stairs after she found out I had been performing open heart surgery on rabbits in the back yard. I mean how else was I supposed to pass biology."

That's when he stuck the needle into her arm, smiling cutely at her," Don't worry unlike her, I actually like you, I'll try not to hurt you too much." Bonnie felt the sting of the saline drip chill her vein before she passed out from exhaustion.

For the nest couple days Kai, took care of her, Bonnie was in and out of consciousness. Sometimes she would wake up to the sound of him shuffling around muttering to himself. Other times he would be sitting, just staring at her with the world's blankest expression. As if he was debating whether he should kill her or not.

This time, she had woken up to the sound of him butchering the Italian language.

"You know I used to think it was kind of cute, if not a little childish how Damon would read this story to you. Sol Luna y Talia, the story in which the modern Sleeping Beauty is based off of. That was until I translated most of it. Talk about dark and kinky."

Kai waited for her reaction for a bit before throwing the book at her, hitting her bandaged and bloody stomach. He hugged in frustration before sighing and returning to his monologue.

"I always thought Damon was subtle with his affections for you. I mean sure he'd say a couple crude jokes, make a few innuendos but he'd never out right tried to seduce you. At first, I thought it was because he was trying to whittle you down slowly."

"Now I realize that he was just a coward," the fire began to slowly rise in the fire place. Bonnie although unable to move from the drugs Kai had given her was still present. Well present enough to hear Kai, and hate every word he was saying.

Kai always brought up Damon, when he was frustrated. Teasing her about the things he saw happen between them, and questioning why certain things didn't. Always coming back to the same answer he had heard a thousand times before, Elena.

"You know Bonnie, the way Damon looked at you when you didn't see him," Kai whistled,"You would have thought you were the girl of his dreams, come true. I mean it was an intense stare, especially in the morning after you ran. I mean it would have been creepy, if I hadn't noticed the way you stared at him when you thought no one was looking."

"Seriously, you two are the biggest teases on the planet, after months of the same old same I couldn't take it anymore. I mean how Damon didn't just shove you against a wall and fuck your brains out I'll never understand. Probably balls deep in his girl right now. What was her name again, Ella, Alana, Elanor? I forget."

Bonnie's blood was boiling in her veins, the dull headache behind her eyes grew. The fire began to rage causing one of the logs to burst open in explosive fire.

Kai grabbed her wrist and zapped her strength," You don't like it when I say her name do you? Is it because she's your bestie and you want to protect her. Or is it because you're jealous because she has what you can't, Damon."

Bonnie whimpered from the pain of Kai's siphoning, finally he let her go still whispering in her ear," Want to know a secret? Damon wasn't thinking of Elena at all when he was with you. Not really, you want to know how I know?"

Bonnie kept whimpering feeling her heart pound heavily from the burden of his siphoning," It's all here, in the book he read to you. About the most beautiful woman, so beautiful he couldn't help but rape her as she slept eternally. Totally gruesome but don't worry there is a happy ending. Eventually through serendipity he was able to make her his queen. All they while his first wife, grew weary and jealous and tries to end them both by feeding his illegitimate twins to him. Crazy, right? But the best bed time stories often are."

Bonnie heard Kai's footsteps as he walked away from her. Bonnie tried to get up but her body wouldn't listen, her stomach was killing her and her legs were like jello. She was infinitely better than she had been a week ago. Perhaps if she could another's days rest she could finally get out of here.

Kai returned and Bonnie stiffened in fear. Kai grabbed her arm caressing her where her IV had been. Bonnie tried not to flinch as the needle went in pushing hot fire into her veins. Immediately she started feel a searing pain chase up her heart in pain, suffocating her with a numbness she couldn't shake.

"Imagine what Elena would think once I told her what her man was really thinking about whilst he was rendezvousing with her best friend on the other side," Kai laughed maniacally.

"Don't worry I won't tell her, but I'll enjoy watching you squirm once we get out of here."

The clock struck midnight," Guess that's my clue to head to bed, got to get up early enough to complete the ascendant you ruined. Night Bon!"

Bonnie felt tears fall from her eyes, at the thought that Kai might actually tell Elena what happened between her and Damon. Bonnie's anxious mind finally began to succumb to the pressure of the drugs in her system. Bonnie couldn't let Kai go back, she'd have to find a way to stop him, even if it was the last thing she did.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Bonnie had been trapped in the back of Damon's Camaro for eleven days almost nine, if Kai hadn't insisted on stopping by Seattle to see Kurt Cobain's house. In an alternate universe where she wasn't being drugged and held against her will by a raging psychopath and pathological liar, she wouldn't have minded the detour. She loved Nirvana. Hell, maybe if he had actually let her out of the trunk to see the damn house, she would have been less upset in this current universe.

Who was she kidding there was nothing Kai could do that would make her any less upset. Anger burned in her starving stomach until it bulged with an imploding fire that wanted to tear her whole.

She wanted to kill him and not just in an idiomatic way. This was no clever expression for emotional and moral discomfort like she had been experiencing with Damon Salvatore. Killing Damon had always been a metaphor for her confusing feelings for him. A simple turn of phrase to describe that desire to not desire him.

What she felt for Malachai Parker was an absolute truth and needed no explanation. Bonnie Bennett wanted to kill Kai, and she was certain she could find it in herself to do so. The fire in her stomach spoke to that certainty, just the way it had when she determined that she would be the cause of Silas' demise for killing her father. By grace, the fates, or a fortuitous coincidence she was the final reason Silas had met his eternal end on the other side. That urge to end the siphon would have consumed her if Bonnie didn't feel sorry for Kai. Bonnie knew he was hurting, and although she couldn't stand him, she could see that he needed help.

Bonnie kept this mindset as long as she could but, Kai always found ways to test her resolve. Even though she was bound and couldn't escape, Kai still took every precaution and kept her drugged. It was an accidental blessing at first after her wound re-opened but after a while the pain of withdrawal from whatever he had given her, was worse than what she had experienced after being stabbed.

The worst part was that it made her feel so confused, one minute she was floating on cloud nine, the next she was crashing in hell. Her heart felt awful and beat loud in her chest from exhaustion. She was unconscious for so much of the time but she felt like she couldn't actually rest. When Kai took her to the hotels they would stay at, he'd make sure to drug her beforehand.

She met those moments with a mixture of relief and frustration. Relief because she wouldn't have to feel the pain of withdrawal anymore, and frustration because she needed the relief. Bonnie hoped that whenever she was free of Kai, if by death or by her own hand, that she would never have to feel the pain of coming down from a high like that again.

Night after night would pass this way, and just as Kai had done after he first attacked her, he fed her water and baby food, and not much else. Apple sauce was becoming her nightmare fuel. Every morning she woke up to sound of the foil wrapper being torn off, she died a little inside.

She missed the mornings when she woke up to the sound of Damon rustling awake as the sunrose. The feeling of his bodyweight shifting after he got out of the bed. The smell of pancakes hitting the frying pan as he played whatever was on his mind on the kitchen stereo. Despite all their fighting in the last weeks before Kai's arrival it had been their song for most of those days. It was their truce, their apology, and their renewed determination to get through another day together.

Every morning, Bonnie heard the sound of the foil violently ripped from that tiny plastic cup, her hatred for Kai was renewed. Every morning she was reminded of what was taken from her, what she had been missing, and what she could have had. She wanted to kill him, and if he wasn't the last man on earth, she might actually do it.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

The car died three miles from Elena's front porch with only forty-five minutes to spare. Bonnie never felt more grateful that she hadn't skipped her runs. In no time she would be on the front porch where she'd see Lena and Damon.

Bonnie felt tears of joy in her eyes and did everything she could to repress them. Bonnie was sucking in breath sharply. The pain in her lungs was violent, but nothing compared to the pain in her stomach. Her wound was probably busted open but she didn't care. This temporary pain would heal but her eternal loneliness, was fatal.

Bonnie ran harder feeling her legs, growing heavy from the lack of use. She wanted to pass out, and hoped that Damon could hear her heart hammering away. If she got closer then, maybe he could hear her. Just a little more Bonnie. Just a little more and he will be there. He knows you are coming.

Bonnie passed the old playground that she and Lena used to take Jeremy too. She remembered how she would always race down the street with Lena. Bonnie used to believe that if she called to the wind, it would help her fly. Deliriously, she chanted and prayed it would lift her feet and push her forward.

Mother wind, mother wind, guide my feet, strengthen my heart, set my speed free. Mother wind, mother wind, guide my feet, strengthen my heart, set my speed free. Mother wind, mother wind, guide my feet, strengthen my heart, set my speed free.

With every step and breath Bonnie chanted in her head, begging her body to keep running. Bonnie was so close she could see the glow of the porch light only a mile away. At this point her tears were creeping out. She had made it but she wasn't going to stop not until she was safe, in their arms. Almost home.

Bonnie was only a yard away when she noticed that the house lights weren't on. Her mind rushed to explanations trying to figure out a solution but her heart knew. Bonnie felt hope rise from her chest fading into the summer nights breeze.

Mother wind, mother wind; why have you forsaken me?

Monday, December 31, 2012

Bonnie kept a routine, at 3:00 in the morning she would toss and turn pretending to sleep until 6:00 am. At around 6 to 9:00 am she would actually fall asleep but have nightmares. At 11:30 she'd finally get up after crying into Damon's pillows or staring at the walls, and try a shower. At noon she'd light a candle and wait for the eclipse to pass as she meditated on Damon's face. She'd burn a message to him begging him to hurry.

At 1:00 p.m. she'd have her first and last meal of the day, anything but pancakes, because she couldn't make them without dying on the inside. At 2:30 pm she watched a movie, most likely the Bodyguard and she'd imagine what Damon would say to her. She'd laugh to her self-feeling pathetic crying into a bourbon bottle. She'd fall asleep and wake up at midnight where she'd anxiously and guiltily do laundry, dishes and errands until she started it all again at 3:00 am.

Today, Bonnie hadn't slept at all until 10:00 am now with an hour before the eclipse, she was exhausted but she couldn't take another nightmare. Her body was grimy after days of not showering, so she decided that taking a bath was necessary. Her legs felt weak and she almost fell from being light headed.

She washed Damon's tub, feeling a smile creep on her lips. She missed him and his obsession with bubble baths. She thought about his hour-long lecture about the best scented candle to use when taking different baths for different purposes. He'd be disgusted with me right now. I am disgusted with myself right now.

Bonnie opened the cabinet where Damon had stored all the good soaps and things. She noticed the lavender scent she had used last time, Damon's favorite scent. She thought back on her last time alone in the tub, the thrill of almost being caught by Damon, as she eased the tension on her own. Guilt immediately stained her cheeks.

All her thoughts about Damon were either of frustration or longing, her memories always seemed to circle back to how guilty she felt for what almost happened. Mostly she suffered with thoughts of what could have been. As if it would have changed anything. More than likely if anything had happened, her loneliness would been infinitely more oppressive.

Bonnie slipped into the tub and for the first time in a long time she felt her breath come without a hitch. Bonnie enjoyed the warmth of water, and found her mind wandering back to an old memory. Bonnie's dad was laughing, as they talked about how long Bonnie could hold her breath under water. She was about three and she remembered the look on Rudy's face, when she said she wanted to be Ariel when she grew up. Her father smiled, "Ariel, why Ariel?"

"Because I want to be a magical princess."

"Your already magical sweety-bon-bon, and you'll always be my princess."

Bonnie tasted salt on her tongue before she realized she was crying. Thoughts of her father, were always dangerous. She avoided them as much as she could, and kept herself busy. Since she had been left here, she hadn't found much reason to do anything.

Bonnie leaned into the memory of her father, the closest thing she had to companionship. Her ears were ringing as she sobbed silently head floating back into the tub. Bonnie closed her eyes, trying to hold onto the memory of her father, but it faded just as suddenly as it came.

Bonnie felt all the emotions overwhelm her at once, a wave of something heavy she couldn't stand. As if she could hide, she ducked underneath the water, feeling the building pain culminate in a scream. She held her breath under water curling into a ball, until finally she couldn't anymore. Releasing her feelings, she let her breath go under water until water started to seep in. Despite this she lay there, too tired to sit up, to turn, to save herself.

Don't give up on me Bon-Bon. Stay with me, just a little bit longer.

Bonnie felt a hand pushing her body upward as she coughed up the water in her lungs. She searched around the room, for Damon. She crawled out of the tub shivering from, the cold. Bonnie went into his bedroom, untouched from the last time she had slept in it.

Searching for his presence but she didn't find anything. Bonnie thought to search downstairs but she already knew the answer. Damon wasn't there. She was truly alone.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Bonnie sat in the garden of the Salvatore Boarding House. Enveloped in the sound of the tiered water fountain while the smell of Wisteria was in full bloom. When she closed her eyes, she could feel the breeze pick up around her. For a moment she could imagine she was in heaven.

The eclipse had passed hours ago and all that was left was the golden rays reflecting off clouds as they drifted home into the horizon. Even the clouds are leaving me behind. Bonnie chuckled choking down tears.

Bonnie sucked back another swig of bourbon, catching the shadow of her reflection in the fountain closest to her. Dressed in white with her image rippling in the pool she looked like a ghost. Almost was a ghost.

She stared deeply, into the water hoping that maybe she could see him again. As if it was the water that brought his voice and touch, not the fact she had almost died and was hallucinating.

Bonnie had a thought, one that chilled her bones and thrilled her with a wicked sort of relief.

Maybe she could see him again, or all of them, if only for a second.

Even if she couldn't maybe this place wasn't just Kai's hell maybe it was her transition. Maybe it was her grandmother's way of helping her accept her fate.

There would always be a part of her that was desperate to get home. Desperate to be free of death, but maybe that wasn't what she was meant for.

Maybe she was meant to be dead.

Bonnie was tired, and fighting to stay alive in a place with nothing and no one, didn't just feel like hell it was hell.

Bonnie thought of Damon and the pact they made in the early days. Damon would forgive her, if anyone could understand it would be him. She just couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't wait for him to save her any longer. It was best for everyone including herself, that she just stayed dead.

Bonnie felt her chest rattle with pain and the pit in her stomach opened. The sun finally dipped below the horizon. The sound of muffled shrieks choked the air eclipsing the moonless night.