Chapter 19: The Three Words

Lily I

Saturday, 28 May 1977

Lily was nervous as she entered Dumbledore's office. She had been called to speak with him regarding her living situation, but she had no idea what for; as far as she knew, she would be staying at her house for the summer. But that wasn't the part that made her nervous.

Tomorrow was the day that Severus was ready to talk.

It was hard to believe that a month had passed since Lily had been taken into the Chamber of Secrets, and yet at the same time, it felt like she'd been waiting ages for tomorrow. She had compiled what she wanted to talk about in a notebook Mary had given her, touching on certain topics that Lily hadn't thought about. It didn't surprise her that Mary would think of such things, but it was Marlene's input that caught her off-guard; it wasn't warm, but it was more than Lily could hope for.

"Do sit, Lily," Dumbledore said, smiling as he gestured to the chair in front of him.

"Has something happened, sir?" Lily asked.

"As you know, it is regarding your housing situation," Dumbledore began. "I believe that, should you return to your home, you would be targeted by Lord Voldemort's forces."

Lily felt a weight press down on her. "So… I can't go home for the summer?"

"I'm afraid not."

"I-I don't want to stay at the castle," Lily quickly said. "I-"

"Of course," Dumbledore said calmly. "I would never force you to remain here. However, I have asked Mr. Snape if he is willing to provide you with lodging for the summer, and he has agreed."

Lily felt her mouth open. "... I'm staying with Sev?!"

"His house is protected by the Fidelius Charm," Dumbledore said, "of which I am the Secret-Keeper. You will be safe and hidden there. And, to make sure no one notices your absence, I would have you take summer classes at Hogwarts. Perhaps a course on Alchemy?"

"Couldn't you place the Fidelius Charm on my house?"

"Funnily enough, Severus asked me that very question. I find, however, that remaining in solitude over the course of two-and-a-half months may not be best for one's mental health." Dumbledore leaned in slightly. "And I don't mean just for you."

Severus had been in Azkaban for two-and-a-half months already, and he'd spent the past month passing through his classes with minimal communication. Even Mary said that he wasn't going to play Gobstones until he was done with his work.

"Severus needs to heal," Dumbledore continued, "but he cannot heal alone. I believe this will be good for both of you, given what has happened within the last year."

Lily nodded. "He's… Mary and Marley helped me with some of my notes for our talk, but… sir, is there anything you can tell me about him that could help me?"

"Of course," Dumbledore said. "I believe Severus's greatest weakness is that he is too hard on himself, even if it is for justifiable reasons."

"Do you know why?"

"He can't forgive himself." Dumbledore gave Lily a small smile. "He sees it as a selfish thing to do."

"He's done too much," Lily said, "He's done more than enough to be forgiven."

The smile on Dumbledore's face vanished. "My girl, does he know you've forgiven him?"

Lily's mind drew a blank. She couldn't think of a time where she'd actually said the words. "No," she admitted, "but I will."

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why will you forgive him?"

"Because he's…." Lily paused. She had the feeling that Dumbledore was trying to tell her something. "Sir, why should I forgive him?"

"Because you love him," Dumbledore answered. "What were you going to answer with?"

"I was going to say because he earned it."

"... oh, that poor boy," Dumbledore muttered softly. Hearing Dumbledore's disapproval was significantly worse than that of Mary. "If that was your original reason, then he would be better off unforgiven."

"I don't understand," Lily said, confused by Dumbledore's words.

"Love is the foundation of forgiveness," Dumbledore explained, "regardless of whether or not you like the person you're forgiving."

"How can you love someone without liking them?"

"Can you tell me there hasn't been a time where you and your sister were at odds?"

"Well, we're sisters," Lily answered.

"Have you ever disliked your sister?"

Lily nodded reluctantly.

"But you still cared for her?"

"... yes," Lily said, now seeing what Dumbledore meant.

"What you planned to do with Severus wouldn't be loving. By teaching him that he has to earn forgiveness, you're teaching him that love is transactional; such a thing reduces love to a formula. Tell me this: what has a newborn done to earn their parent's love?"

"... nothing," Lily answered, "but not every parent loves their child."

"Exactly!" Dumbledore said excitedly. "Why does one parent love their child and provide for them, while another parent doesn't and neglects them?"

"... I don't know, sir," Lily admitted. "Is it because of how they feel?"

"Feeling isn't love," Dumbledore said. "Feeling is tied to like and dislike. There may be a time where a parent dislikes their child but continues to act according to that child's best interests; conversely, a parent may show affection for a child and neglect their needs. From this, what can you tell me about love?"

Lily wasn't sure what to think. If love wasn't about feelings, and it couldn't be earned….

"Love is a gift," Dumbledore said, as though answering Lily's thoughts. "Love is choosing to forgive someone, even when you strongly dislike them, and even if there is nothing to gain from it. It was never about how much Severus could do for you; he had no power to earn forgiveness the way he may earn money or an outstanding grade. What matters, and what has always mattered, is that he has shown you, and the rest of the wizarding world, who he is. But when it comes to forgiveness, you hold all the power. I don't doubt that he once lost his way, but there is more to him than that."

"I know," Lily said. "Of course, I'll forgive him."

"Why?"

"... I want to show him that I care."

Dumbledore smiled. "I wish you the best of luck."

"Thank you, sir," Lily said. "I think I'll need it."

Severus I

Sunday, 29 May 1977

Severus was sitting before Dumbledore once more, an awkward silence between them. Their last conversation hadn't gone well, and it was clear that Dumbledore was going to broach whatever he was about to say very carefully.

"Shall we talk about Voldemort first," Dumbledore asked, "or should we first discuss your personal life?"

"... your choice," Severus said blankly. It would always be Dumbledore's choice.

Dumbledore's eyes dimmed slightly, but he continued. "First, I wish to say that Lily has agreed to the living arrangement I proposed for the two of you."

"How generous of you," Severus said dryly.

"If you object-"

"What I want doesn't matter," Severus said, "and I refuse you to believe otherwise."

"... secondly," Dumbledore said, "I have been planning on cancelling this year's exams."

"You want my advice?"

"If you would."

"Don't cancel," Severus said. "It does no favors to the students who studied."

"They would appreciate the gesture," Dumbledore argued.

"Six students were petrified, one of which was a ghost, and the other three having lost very little time to catch up on their schoolwork. Only two students have lost what amounts to an entire school year."

"Very well," Dumbledore said. "I won't cancel exams."

"Good."

"However," Dumbledore continued, "I will require your services."

Severus took a slow breath in and out. "... go on."

"I will be allowing summer housing at Hogwarts," Dumbledore said. "During this time, I will allow Messrs. Creevey and Cresswell to catch up on their schoolwork… under your tutelage."

"... why not?" Severus asked, his voice hardening.

"I do have a good reason for this," Dumbledore said, his voice indicating that it wasn't just about the two students in question. "In addition to Creevey and Cresswell, Miss MacDonald and Mr. Black will be staying."

"... explain."

"I fear that Mary might still be at risk of being targeted, and I have contacted her parents to express this belief. They have given their permission for her to take summer courses, which I am sure you will help with."

"Of course," Severus said. This wasn't awful news; he liked teaching Mary what he knew. "But what about Black?"

"... I have decided that, because of our previous argument, I need to be absolutely transparent with you. You have more than earned it…. Regulus Black has betrayed Voldemort."

Severus's eyes widened. "What?!"

"There are certain things I will not delve too deeply into, for Regulus's safety, but he has helped me in locating one of the five horcruxes we've been searching for." Dumbledore pulled something out of his desk drawer. It was the locket of Slytherin. "I have yet to destroy it, but for now, it remains with me." He set it back into the drawer and shut it.

"One of five?"

"I have reviewed Slughorn's memory," Dumbledore said, "along with memories I collected from Lily, Regulus, and Kreacher the house-elf. Based on what I've studied, I have deduced the following: Voldemort wished to split his soul into seven pieces. One host, and six horcruxes."

"Of course, he did," Severus muttered. "And leave it to his brilliant mind to send one of them into the castle, placing it at risk for me to destroy."

"It was a calculated risk," Dumbledore said. "I believe there were two reasons for him to choose this strategy. The first would be to gather intelligence, sending the diary back to himself so he could plan accordingly. The second reason, which is more speculative than anything, is that he sought to create his final horcrux. Lily's memory showed that Voldemort wished to use her death to regain a physical form, giving himself enough life force so that, when he eventually killed you, he would be powerful enough to create a horcrux. If I had to guess, he meant for the basilisk itself to be the vessel."

Such a thought terrified Severus. If the basilisk had become the final horcrux, the Dark Lord would have become unstoppable. "So, with the diary destroyed, and the locket in our possession, that leaves the ring, the cup, and…."

"... and yet another reason I wish for you to tutor at the castle over the summer," Dumbledore said. "I would ask you to help me locate the final horcrux."

"We're certain the one in the castle isn't the cup?"

"Regulus's memories showed that Voldemort was in possession of it," Dumbledore said. "We can rule it out, meaning that whatever he hid here is tied to Ravenclaw."

Severus nodded. He would have to put in some investigative work, but he knew that, in time, he would deduce its location. "Have you figured out the location of the cup?"

"Not yet," Dumbledore said, "but based on what I've seen, I suspect it to be in the possession of Bellatrix Lestrange."

"... of course." Severus remembered hearing that, just prior to his death, someone had broken into Gringotts, specifically the Lestrange Vault. For some reason, the Dark Lord had acted erratically and, after Severus's own removal from office, launched an attack on Hogwarts. "If what I believe is correct, then the cup is in the Lestrange Vault."

"Then we won't worry about it until we retrieve the one in the castle," Dumbledore said. "For now, take this holiday to rest, or at least as much as you can."

"As you wish," Severus replied.

"What I wish for is irrelevant," Dumbledore said quietly.

"Is that so?"

"Allow me to say this, Severus. I acknowledge that I have made mistakes, not only in what I have decided regarding your person, but also in how I see the greater picture. I will not apologize out of pity for you, because I know you will resent me for that. And I will not ask you to forgive me, because I know you have no love for me. Instead, and I know I ask too much, I wish for us to work together in destroying Voldemort. Not as king and pawn, but as equals."

Severus looked Dumbledore in the eye to discern the old man's expression; he found himself looking at someone whom he had to admit seemed remorseful. "Equals?"

"As equal as our commitments to the school will allow," Dumbledore said.

"... so you will be open with us on your plans?"

"I will," Dumbledore said, nodding.

Severus let a silence hang in the air, in case Dumbledore wanted to say anything else. When nothing else followed, he said, "Very well."

"I do mean it," Dumbledore said. "Please rest yourself for as long as you're at home."

"I assume Snarky will be bringing me to the castle?"

"Naturally," Dumbledore said. "Now, I believe I should go down for dinner. Will you be dining?"

Severus shook his head. "No, I still need to sort things out."

"Remember to eat," Dumbledore said, standing. "You need to fill out that uniform again. Without meaning to sound improper, you look rather dashing in peak form."

"... I'll keep that in mind," Severus said as he stood.

The two of them left the office and began walking down the corridor to the staircase. As they reached the fourth floor, Dumbledore turned and smiled, saying, "Well, we part ways for now. Have a good evening, Severus."

"And you, sir." Severus watched Dumbledore descend the steps before turning and making his way to his room. He opened the door and shut it behind him, only to sense someone within. "Come out, Pettigrew."

A rat crawled out from under the bed and transformed into the plump boy Severus knew. "I-it's been some time, eh, Snape?" He sounded nervous.

"... why are you here?"

"W-well," Pettigrew said, "I was just… well-"

"Spit it out."

"I just needed… you ought to know… I didn't say anything to that Skeeter woman," Pettigrew finally got out. "Well, nothing important."

Severus made eye contact with Pettigrew to test his gaze; it didn't seem to falter. "Why did you feel the need to tell me?"

"I… well, someone said some unhelpful things about you in the paper… while you were detained, of course," Pettigrew said hurriedly. "And… I… I was hoping that you thought that maybe… I've done well this year?"

Severus wanted to vomit, but he restrained himself. "You'll have to wait until your birthday… won't you?"

What little confidence Pettigrew seemed to have vanished. "... oh, well… yes, I suppose-"

"Get out."

Pettigrew transformed and slipped under the door.

Severus sat down at his desk and gestured at his bed, pulling out the briefcase underneath. He pulled it into his lap and opened it, checking on the vials of basilisk venom he'd had Snarky collect. Whatever he didn't use to destroy the remaining horcruxes could be sold for a sizable amount… or he could use it to develop a potion and sell it for even more.

Shutting the case and setting beneath his bed once again, he stood and took stock of his potions. Dreamless Sleep no longer affected him, and memories of the professor's life were starting to seep back in. He would have to prepare something much, much stronger.

Before Severus could do any further planning, there was a knock at the door; he knew who it was. He walked over and opened it.

"Hi," Lily said hesitantly.

"... hello."

"May I come in?"

Severus nodded. He'd promised her they would talk, and he wasn't going to back on his promises. He stepped aside and allowed her to enter his room, shutting the door behind her.

Lily made her way over to the couch and sat down. "I won't be too long, if you're busy."

"Final exams," Severus said, sitting on the other end of the couch.

Lily gave him a blank look before she got up and sat closer to him. "I want to talk about our living arrangement."

"I've agreed to it," Severus said. "Although, I'll be coming back to the castle for tutoring."

"Really?" Lily seemed shocked. "I didn't think you needed that."

"I'm the tutor."

"... oh!" Lily let out a small laugh. It quickly vanished as she composed herself. "Yes, that sounds about right."

"Anyway," Severus said, "I only have to do it until Creevey and Cresswell are sorted out."

"... I'm sorry."

Severus was confused. "For what?"

"You said that you wanted us to talk about our problems, and… even when I started recognizing what I'd done to you, I kept making stupid decisions." Lily looked away briefly and fixed her eyes on the table in front of them. "Mary and Marley helped me figure out how I should approach this."

"McKinnon?"

"Well, it was mostly Mary, if I'm being honest. She's a better friend to you than I ever was." The defeat in Lily's voice was foreign to Severus. Somehow, it sounded worse to him than her self-righteous tone.

"We met when we were young," Severus said. "Our understanding about friendship was limited, to say the least."

"I didn't have an excuse," Lily argued. "I had… well, I didn't have any friends, but I had Tuney. But when I found out what you were and what you could do, I…."

"... felt like you belonged."

Lily nodded. "You were right. All I wanted to talk about was magic. But when I found out about your family, I… I wanted to know more, but I didn't want to make you uncomfortable." She looked back at Severus, meeting his eye once more. "I wanted to be your friend, but maybe I didn't understand you enough to know what that meant. I feel like I barely know you."

"... no, you knew me," Severus said, catching Lily by surprise. "What you saw in Cokeworth… that was me."

"But-"

"I never thought you were a perfect friend, but I didn't need you to be. I was happy just to be there with you."

Lily's eyes began to tear up, but she took a breath to steady herself.

"... do you remember what I requested?" Severus asked.

"What?"

"We shouldn't talk when our emotions are running high."

"Am I not allowed to feel anything?!" Lily asked forcefully, but her aggression all but vanished. "... I need to stop doing that."

"I didn't mean it like that."

"I know."

"No," Severus said. "What I mean is that… I don't want to influence you into making decisions. I don't want to be manipulative."

Lily's eyes widened slightly. "Making me feel emotions isn't manipulative!"

"Guilting you into-"

"I feel guilty for what I've done," Lily said, "and I know you feel guilty for what you've done! Whatever you might think, I think feeling guilty for having done something bad is a perfectly healthy response!"

… and it hit Severus. He had been so fixated on making sure they were both thinking rationally, that neither one of them was blinded or controlled by emotion, that he'd paradoxically started disregarding Lily's feelings. And given what had happened recently….

"... I never gave you my condolences," Severus said softly. "About your father."

Lily faltered for a moment. "He was warming up to you," she said. "He even wanted us to attend your hearing."

"Did my treatment work?"

"No," Lily said. "The healers didn't use it."

Severus felt another wave of guilt wash through him. "If things had gone differently, if I'd bothered leaving the castle and-"

"He didn't blame you," Lily said. "He was proud of you for saving Mary. And I don't think he'd hold it against you."

A long silence passed between the two, and Severus wasn't sure what else to say. The professor had been silent throughout, not offering any words of advice. If neither one of them knew what to say, then there was little chance that they could progress the conversation without Lily's input.

"... you told me you're not my Sev," Lily said, breaking the silence. "You said that going mad changed who you are."

"... I did."

"What did you mean?"

Severus almost panicked, but he realized he didn't have to give too much away. "Do you remember the night I came to your tower after I called you that word?"

Lily nodded.

"That was the last night I was sane," Severus said. "And back then… I know I was going down a dark path. I didn't think I had any other options."

"That's-"

"Please, let me finish," Severus said. "When I called you that word, I realized what I'd done. That moment, when I came to see you… that moment changed everything for me. If I hadn't gone mad, I think… no, I know I would have given up entirely and become someone you'd hate. Or I guess, more than you did that night." Severus leaned back into the couch, trying to relax himself as much as he could so the stress wouldn't overtake him. "Am I still that boy, or did I change too much?"

"Why does it matter to you?"

"You want us to fix our relationship, but who do you want to be friends with: who I am now, or who I was then?"

"Does it matter?"

Severus couldn't bring himself to respond. It sounded ridiculous when he said it aloud, but he knew he wouldn't be at ease, knowing that any version of himself would go unforgiven.

"... Sev," Lily said quietly, "we were different back then."

"Could you have forgiven me then?" Severus asked, not waiting for the point to drag on. "Could the Lily back then forgive who I was on that night?"

"I'd like to think so," Lily said, her voice slightly uneven. "If I could go back, I'd give myself a clout behind the ear for walking away."

Severus felt a laugh escape his mouth and something warm trickle down his face and onto his lips.

"... hey," Lily said, her voice growing softer as she drew closer. She rested her hand behind his head and pulled him into the crook of her neck. "Shh."

"... I'm sorry," Severus sobbed out, and he felt Lily's arms tighten around him, her body pressing closer to his. "Lily, I'm…."

"It's alright," Lily cooed, her own voice broken. "Everything's going to be alright. We'll get through this."

"You forgive me?"

"Can you forgive me for how I've been?"

Severus nodded into Lily's neck. His entire body was shaking; he couldn't hold in what he'd been bottling up. "I forgive you."

And Lily echoed back the three words that Severus Snape had been desperate to hear for the past twenty-three years: "I forgive you."

END OF ACT II

I want to take another moment and thank you all for reading and reviewing what I've written so far. When I first started writing this, it was never meant to be posted on FFN or AO3. But then, I started thinking to myself, "Plenty of people have posted their works for others to read; why shouldn't I?" And here we are, two acts later.

Up next is Act III, and this will be the final act of the main story of The Gestaltation of Severus Snape; Act IV will be a sort of epilogue act, and my other work (Writing Challenges: The Gestaltation of Severus Snape) takes place during that time period. Like Act II, Act III will most likely be split into three parts, for the sake of the audience not waiting too long for the next burst; however, I can't tell you for certain how long each part will be, as the way the story has developed may cause me to include additional content. What I can tell you for certain is that the first part of this next act will primarily focus on Severus's relationship with Lily and the steps taken to destroying Voldemort.

Until next time.