Author's Notes
Welcome to Act III of The Gestaltation of Severus Snape. Sorry for the delay in the release; I've been through a few things in my real life, which affected the release of this act. Due to real-life circumstances, my writing and schedule have been negatively affected, so I won't be able to release parts of Act III in bursts as intended. But to clarify: I AM NOT ABANDONING THIS WORK; I will instead release chapters periodically instead so that you don't have to wait for so long. Once again, apologies.
Needless to say, the previous act was pretty tense and frustrating at times but ended with some things resolved and some things left to be resolved. The first part of Act III will take place during the summer of 1977, starting from the last day of the school year and ending just at the start of the new one, and will have a heavy POV focus on Severus and Lily.
ACT III: LOVE
Chapter 1: The List
Severus I
Friday, 17 June 1977
The room seemed bare now that its purpose for the year was done. The sitting area, the potions lab, the sleeping area, were all now simply barren stone floor; the adjoined bathroom was all the evidence that remained, and even then, its shower had vanished, leaving only the toilet and sink. Anything that hadn't belonged to the room itself was now in Severus's briefcase.
Severus had proven to the school and the Ministry that he was not only a non-threat to his fellow students, but that he was a model student. Dumbledore had decided that, given the lack of male Slytherin students, it would be acceptable for Severus to return to the Slytherin dormitory, but this time living in the seventh-year dorm room. Even if he ended up sharing a room once more, he doubted they would bother him.
The professor had made a mental list of the students that would remain at the castle for the summer. Adrian Creevey and Dirk Cresswell would be his students, and he would have to catch them up to their proper years within the span of two months. Mary had been persuaded to stay at the castle for her own safety, but her cover story was that she wanted to improve her academic performance. Regulus Black was also staying at the castle with a similar arrangement, but his circumstances were different; Dumbledore said that Regulus's cover story was that he wished to study and retake his O.W.L.s so he could earn the right grades and enroll in Alchemy, but his true reason for the summer courses was so that Dumbledore could further train him in Occlumency. It was hard to believe such a development had happened, but stranger things had happened before.
Severus took a look at himself in the bathroom mirror, checking for any silver hairs that might have started to develop; so far, they were all black. He had regained some weight in the past month, although he was probably thin enough for Lily to say something, most likely to say he needed to eat more. Speaking of which, he'd have to prepare a room for her….
The gravity of the situation came crashing down. Lily was living at his house….
Severus, case in hand, barged out of his room and strode down the corridor, briskly making his way down the staircase and into the Dungeons. As his feet left the last step, he saw students from Slytherin house walking down as well, most notably missing a few Prefects. Severus held back a groan as they stopped in front of him, uncertainty in their eyes as they looked at the boy, the man, who had slain a basilisk over a month ago. With his new charge as a summer tutor, he had, unfortunately, been given one last duty, which was of course his own doing. He reached a hand into his pocket and pulled out his Prefect badge, fastening it to his robe before letting the professor take control. "Is everyone in attendance?"
"Everyone is accounted for," Black answered.
"Very well. Follow the Prefects. Stay in orderly lines. There will be no shoving or grumbling through these corridors." Severus turned quickly and ascended back up the steps, cursing himself for not being able to take his things into his room in time.
Slytherin House soon ascended to the ground floor, where they met with the other Houses just at the main entrance to the castle. The seventh-years had broken off, heading to the boathouse so they could cross the lake once more. Severus scanned the crowd of students. Mary was carrying Brandy in her arms and talking with Lovegood about something. Potter and Black were joking about something, most likely at someone else's expense, and Pettigrew was beside them, laughing along without adding anything substantive; Lupin and McKinnon stood side-by-side, with the latter giving odd looks at the former and being ignored.
Lily stood between Mary and McKinnon, and she nudged Mary a little and said something to her. The younger girl smiled and nodded before saying something to Lovegood and separating from the other students, heading back up the staircase. As Lily returned her attention to the other students, her eyes met his, and she gave him a small, pink smile.
Severus fought the urge to smile back, instead nodding formally as he and the other Prefects walked the students to the thestral-drawn carriages. "One at a time," he said calmly as he guided the students to available seating. As he finished, he briskly walked over to the carriage where Lily was sitting. Fortunately, the only other people of note sharing the carriage were McKinnon and Lupin. Unfortunately, the people of note sharing the carriage were McKinnon and Lupin.
"Hi, Sev," Lily said, smiling as she made room for him to sit. "Why do you have your case?"
"I didn't reach my dorm in time." Severus felt his face warm before Occluding, and he took his seat next to her and across from Lupin. "Did you sleep well?"
Lily nodded. "I've never done this before: staying at the castle over the summer!"
Severus smirked crookedly; the two of them knew they would be returning to his house via Snarky, once they had the chance to separate from the other students. "I'm glad one of us will be enjoying ourselves," he replied sarcastically.
Lily's smile warmed as the carriages started moving. "I almost regret it," she said. "Mum wanted to invite me and Tuney to go see a movie this summer."
"Which one?" McKinnon asked.
" 'Are You Being Served?'."
"With John Inman?!"
"The whole cast is going to be in it," Lily said. She turned to Severus and said, "I wish we could go see it."
Severus picked up on what he believed to be the least subtle hint he'd ever heard. "Watching a movie would certainly beat tutoring."
"Why'd you agree to it?" McKinnon asked.
"I'm getting paid," Severus replied with his rehearsed explanation.
"You almost sound like an adult, professor," Lily said teasingly.
"Mind your tone, Miss Evans."
Lily blinked, most likely shocked by Severus's response, before she slapped a hand over her mouth and began to laugh. After some time laughing (and snorting, on account of being Lily), she managed to calm herself down before saying, "T-that was too real."
"I've been known to commit to the role," Severus replied.
"Spoken like a true thespian."
The carriage ride to Hogsmeade was too short, in Severus's opinion. This would be the sixth time… well, actually, the fifth time that he and Lily had ridden to Hogsmeade after a long year at Hogwarts, but this was the first time where Severus felt a sense of true, or relatively true, relief. Much had been accomplished in a single year; he had effectively eliminated the problematic elements in his House, he had reconciled with Lily (for the most part; they still had to identify their problems), and he had destroyed a Horcrux.
"Sev?"
"Hmm?" Severus responded to Lily's nudge.
"We're here."
"Right." Severus helped the other students out of the carriages and into the train, taking note of where he and Lily were going to sit once they'd completed their rounds. He realized he'd have to rely on her instructions for this; life as a professor wasn't quite the same as life as a Prefect, and while both he and the professor had watched Prefects do their duties, it wasn't the same as first-hand experience.
Eventually, everyone had boarded, and the Slytherin Prefects all stepped aboard. Severus kept his eye on Regulus, who was currently instructing both him and Talkalot, who had taken over as Prefect from Wilkes.
"We will be checking the three compartments closest to the Prefects' cabin," Regulus said. "All you have to do is walk by each cabin and listen for any trouble. If you hear anything that raises your concerns, open the cabin door and investigate."
"Got it," Talkalot said.
The three of them joined the other Prefects and began patrolling the three allotted compartments, which became the longest hour of his life. Both he and the professor were looking forward to meeting with Lily so they could find time to talk; it would be hours before they arrived at King's Cross. Apparently, Lily had a list of things for them to talk about, which was honestly how he'd wanted to approach the situation. He had a general idea of what Lily might have written, but he wasn't going to assume anything until they were in a cabin together.
The hour finally ended, and Severus, Regulus, and Talkalot returned to the Prefects' cabin; Lily was just handing her badge to McKinnon, who in turn sat down beside a clearly displeased Lupin. Before Severus had the chance to say anything, Lily walked over to him and took him by the crook of his arm, leading him out of the cabin and through the compartment until they stopped outside a different cabin of a different compartment. Lily opened the door, pulled the two of them through, shut the door behind them, and sat the two of them down at the window-side table.
Lily set a notebook down on the table between them (Severus hadn't even noticed it until now) and said, "I'm ready to talk."
"... yes," Severus replied. He wasn't shocked that they were going to finally talk, and yet he found himself pleasantly surprised. "What do you want to start with?"
"I have a list." Lily opened the notebook and turned it around for Severus to see. On the two pages it was open to, there were two lists: one with each of their names. "I've already listed all of my problems under my own name," Lily continued. "So… you can write yours, and then we can go over them one at a time."
Severus looked at Lily's list and made note of each item listed:
-blood purity
-Death Eaters
-Dark Magic
-possessiveness
-temper
"One or two on the list aren't really relevant anymore," Lily said, a hint of nervousness in her voice.
"I understand." Severus had much to say about what Lily had listed, but they would reach that point later. "Do you have a pen?"
Lily took a pen out of her pocket and handed it to Severus. "Here you go."
Severus took the cap off and began writing his own list under his own name, only to pause.
"What's wrong?" Lily asked.
Severus wanted to answer, but he felt his throat close.
Just tell her.
It's not simple, alright?!
Do it, coward.
"... I'm nervous," Severus admitted.
"Why?" Lily's voice wasn't hostile, but Severus was made less comfortable by the question.
"... I don't know how to explain it," Severus said.
"I can turn away." Lily turned to face away from Severus, instead looking at a particularly interesting corner on her side of the cabin.
Severus looked back down at the page and slowly wrote his list.
-trust
-misunderstanding
-demanding
-hypocritical
-priorities
-Dark Magic
-Potter
Severus set the pen down, cap back on, and said, "Alright…."
Lily turned back to face Severus and looked down at the list. There was a look on her face as she saw what Severus had written, as though the wind had been taken out of her sails. "... well, let's start then," she said, almost quietly.
What do I say?
If you apologize for what you wrote, she'll dismiss the apology and push on.
"... we both wrote 'Dark Magic'," Severus said, deciding to force Lily's mind onto one of the shared points. "Let's start with that."
"Right," Lily said, looking back up at Severus. "So… how do we do this?"
"... how do we talk?"
"Yeah."
"Well, as humans, we speak out of our mouths," Severus said, trying to bring some levity to the situation, "although Potter and Black are exceptions."
Lily's mouth twitched, but eventually broke into a small smile. "Oh, right," Lily said, as though she remembered something. She turned to the back of the notebook and stopped on the last page, which contained a small list labeled 'Rules'.
-ask 'why'
-no pity
"Alright," Severus said, not sure what to make of those two points. "So… why do you not like Dark Magic?"
"Well," Lily said, turning back to their own lists, "it's dangerous, and people use it to hurt others. And Dark Wizards in particular use it to hurt normal people."
"That's like saying all knives are bad because gangs use them to stab with."
"Well, magic's a bit different to a knife."
"Think of the Severing Charm," Severus said. "I can use it to cut an onion, or I can use it to cut someone open."
"... why an onion?"
"You get the idea."
"Right," Lily said. She seemed to be thinking about Severus's point. "But, what about the Unforgivables? Do you think about those?"
"I do," Severus said. "Why are they unforgivable?"
"What?!"
"What is it that makes them unforgivable?"
"They hurt people!" Lily exclaimed.
"Is that the curse's fault, or is that the culprit's fault?"
"Well… the culprits, but I don't see the point of using any of those aside from hurting others."
"The Killing Curse is a woundless, painless death; in theory, it could be used for the ethical killing of an animal, either for utility or to put it out of its misery. The Imperius Curse could be used to easily subdue a person or animal, such as if the target is volatile and poses a threat to the public or themselves. As for the Cruciatus Curse… I'll admit that I don't yet see a neutral application for it, apart from nerve stimulation."
Lily's eyes had gone wide at what Severus had said.
… I fucked up, didn't I?
Give her a moment to process it.
"... well," Lily said, "you've certainly thought this through."
"I've thought of many different ways to use the Dark Arts," Severus said. "Not all of them for malicious ends."
"Have you ever thought about it?" Lily asked. "Using the Killing Curse to… you know…?"
… Severus felt apprehension take over as he was brought back to that night in the Astronomy Tower, looking back at Dumbledore as he carried out the latter's will. "... I wouldn't want to," Severus answered. "But I think… I think I could, if the situation called for it."
"Why do you like Dark Magic?" Lily asked pointedly.
"I find it interesting," Severus answered. "I see it like a hydra from Greek myth: cut off one head, and two take its place. It's chaos, an ever-growing field of charms and counter-charms, poisons and antidotes, dark creatures and magizoological training and discovery. I see it as a living discipline that evolves each day into something more terrifying and fascinating than before."
Lily sat silently for a moment before saying, "But didn't you stop and think about how dangerous it was?"
"Of course," Severus answered. "That's another reason I wanted to study it. I wanted to be a Healer when I grew up, and when normal studies weren't helping me progress, I turned to the Dark Arts for more information. It's important to know the Dart Arts when dealing with curses or poisons."
"That's not always true, is it?"
"We study Defense Against the Dark Arts, don't we?"
"Yeah."
"Which means that we've also studied the Dark Arts as well."
"Not for use," Lily argued.
"What are the three classifications of Dark Charms?"
"Jinxes, hexes, and curses," Lily answered immediately.
"Can you tell me that you've never seen or heard anyone at Hogwarts use a jinx, hex, or curse?"
"Well…." Lily stopped to think about what Severus had just said.
"You know that the charms I taught you are Dark Charms. Except for the Muffling Charm."
Lily slowly nodded. "... right, that's true…."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Did you teach anyone my spells?"
"Um… well, I taught Remus the Muffling Charm-"
"What about the Dangling Jinx?"
"... I taught Marley."
"... and she taught Black," Severus muttered. "And Black taught Potter… and somehow, Mulciber got his hands on it."
Lily blanched at the mention of Mulciber, but moreso at what Severus was implying. "You're saying that it's my fault that Mulciber found out about that charm?"
Severus took a deep breath before uncapping the pen and going back to his list, adding onto one of his points.
-misunderstanding, misrepresents my words
"... sorry," Lily said quietly.
"It'll take time," Severus said, capping the pen. "I'm more concerned about…."
"About what?"
"Why did you point out that Avery and Mulciber used Dark Magic, but Potter and Black didn't?" Severus met her eye. "We learned about Dark Charm classification in our first year."
"I…." Lily paused. "... they weren't using-"
"Disarming Charm," Severus said. "Impediment Jinx. Scouring Charm. Severing Charm. Dangling Jinx. Full-Body Bind Curse. Counter-curse. Dangling Jinx."
"What?"
"That's what Potter and Black did to me on that day by the lake," Severus said. "I used the Severing Charm, but they did the rest."
A look of realization appeared on Lily's face as Severus explained, which quickly turned to shame. "... you're right…. I don't know what to say."
"Did you know they used Dark Magic?"
Lily didn't answer; all she did in response was look down at the notebook.
"... you asked me if I forgave you for how you were," Severus said gently. "I told you I did. That includes before you gave me another chance."
Lily looked back up at Severus, her eyes welling up slightly. She blinked a few times before saying, "I don't have an excuse. I just… when you came back from Azkaban, you told me you knew how I fancied Potter."
Severus nodded.
"... you were right," Lily said. "I don't know how I could've let that happen."
"You lived with the Gryffindors," Severus said. "I lived with the Slytherins. Siding with our Houses was inevitable."
"You chose me," Lily countered.
"I almost didn't."
"But you did…. Sev, why did you want to be in Slytherin?"
Severus stiffened. "What are you implying?"
"It's just that all the Dark Wizards come from Slytherin-"
"You're telling me that James Potter and Sirius Black aren't Dark?"
"They don't like Dark Wizards."
"They use Dark Magic and attack the undesirables. That's fairly Dark to me." Severus realized his blood was starting to warm. He relaxed his body and leaned back. "Sorry, give me a minute."
Lily nodded. "I think I need one too."
"... at least we're having a productive conversation."
Lily smiled. "True. So… did you get my hint from earlier?"
"Lily, there is absolutely no chance of anyone not getting your hint."
"Well, I thought I was fairly secretive," Lily joked.
"I can pay for the tickets."
"You don't have to."
"What's the point of making money if I don't spend…?" Severus trailed off his sentence as he heard the way it sounded.
"What was that?" Lily seemed curious, and she even moved slightly forward to hear better.
"... if I don't spend it on you?" Severus mumbled out. His face was starting to burn.
… what the hell are you doing?!
I wasn't thinking!
Ah yes! Severus Snape: famous for not thinking!
Lily's face had turned red as well, and she said, "Well… I'm…."
"Stop," Severus said, quickly recovering. "I should've worded that better."
"But-"
"I don't want to do things out of order," Severus continued. "First, we work through our problems. Then, we resume our friendship."
"... and after that?"
Severus bit his tongue to stop himself from saying something he would regret. "We'll figure that out," he answered.
"Right," Lily said, nodding in reluctant agreement. "Back to our talk?"
Severus nodded in turn and looked down at the notebook. "So… did we cover the Dark Arts adequately enough?"
"I suppose," Lily said.
Severus uncapped the pen and crossed out 'Dark Magic' on both of their lists. "What should we cover next?"
"... am I really a hypocrite?" Lily asked.
"You can be," Severus said, wanting this point done with. "We've discussed that in part already."
"What else is there?"
"... I hate double-standards," Severus said. "Throughout our friendship, you tended to judge me differently from other people. Harder."
Lily didn't respond immediately, but she nodded. "... you're right."
"Why?"
"I… how do I word this?" Lily furrowed her brow in thought before answering. "When we met and became friends, I saw you as… I suppose I saw you as someone special. Not just to me, but just inherently special. The way you spoke of magic and the way we got along, I had this idea in my head that you were… I don't want to say 'perfect', but I can't think of another word. And then, when you made that branch fall, I guess it set me off."
"... I don't know if I made the branch fall."
"... what?" Lily's hesitation turned to one of stoic shock.
"I explained to Petunia about crack willows and how brittle the wood is. That's how she and I started getting along when we were staying with her."
"So, she knew that you didn't do it?"
"I don't know if I did," Severus explained. "Anything could have caused that branch to fall. It might have been me, or perhaps the branch was just old enough to snap off."
"Oh." Lily was becoming noticeably more sullen.
"... you couldn't have known," Severus said, reaching over and taking her hand, which he quickly realized was inappropriate, causing him to pull back. "Sorry."
Lily reached over and took Severus's hand, pulling it to the center of the table and resting it there with hers. "I'm sorry I blamed you for that."
"It might still have been me," Severus said quickly. His hand felt like lightning was flowing through it.
"I don't care," Lily replied. She squeezed his hand slightly, sending a jolt through Severus's body. "I feel like I've blamed you too much."
"I'm sure there are a few things I'm guilty of," Severus said, trying to ease the tension.
Lily nodded. "I know." She looked down at their hands, staring for a few seconds before pulling away. "Sorry, that was weird of me."
"I-it's fine," Severus said. "Although… Lily, we both know my feelings for you, right?"
Lily nodded.
"... is that knowledge affecting our conversation?"
"What do you mean?"
"If you didn't know how I felt, would you behave differently?"
"Well…." Lily paused, but her sentence was left unfinished.
"In that case," Severus said, disappointed by her response, "I only want to be friends."
Lily's eyes widened. "What?!"
"If you can't put separate our conversation from that knowledge-"
"I can't just shut it out!"
"... this is why I didn't want to tell you. I don't want our reconciliation to be based on how I feel about you. I want both of us to come to terms with what we've done, explain why we did it, and prioritize the truth over our feelings." Severus met Lily's eye once more and continued. "I know that it may sound like I'm trying to tell you how to feel, but I'm not. I just think you deserve to make your own decision without being manipulated."
"Why do you think you'd be manipulating me?" Lily asked. There was a hint of anger in her voice, and a less-experienced Severus would have registered it as hostility. "You're still on that point?"
"... you wrote that you have a problem with my possessiveness," Severus said, gesturing to the list. "I take that as you believing that I'm capable of controlling you."
"I… no, you're right," Lily admitted. "I did think that."
"Why?"
"You started changing in fourth year," Lily said. "I don't think it was related to me… to when I started fancying Potter, but it was around the same time. I thought that you were jealous."
"I was."
Lily seemed surprised, which almost surprised Severus.
"I thought I was losing you to him," Severus explained, "and when my housemates started pointing it out to me, I believed them."
"Is it my fault you grew closer to them?" From the look in Lily's eye, Severus knew she wanted him to say 'no'. But if they were going to reconcile properly, if he loved her, he couldn't lie to her anymore.
"... you were partly responsible," Severus answered. "The other parts were Potter and Tobias. Potter made me hate everything his group claimed to stand for, and Tobias… did enough to make me hate Muggles."
"But not all Muggles are bad," Lily argued.
"Every Muggle I ever met up until I called you that word treated me like garbage. Tobias. Petunia. Your parents. My neighbors."
"That's one location."
"Do you know why witches and wizards went into hiding in the first place? Because Muggles feared us. They hated us. They wanted to kill us for the crime of existing. The entire wizarding community doesn't just disappear for no reason."
"... I was raised by Muggles," Lily said, "and I didn't hate you."
"Because you were born with magic. You're one of us."
"Then why did you call me a Mudblood?" A long silence filled the cabin as Lily asked her question, which she seemed to pick up on. "I didn't mean to sound hostile. It was a bad moment, you didn't mean it."
"... no, I meant it."
Lily's mouth opened, as though she was about to ask a question, but no sound came out.
"I saw you trying not to smile," Severus explained. "At that time, I thought you were putting on an act to make yourself look good in front of everyone. I thought that, maybe, you were secretly on Potter's side, flirting with him-"
"I wouldn't-" Lily cut herself off, as though her own voice was somehow disagreeing with what she was about to say. "... I know I fancied him. At the time, and I hate to admit it… I was more concerned about what Potter was doing than about what was happening to you."
"I know. That doesn't excuse what I said."
"... down in the Chamber, Tom said a few things-"
"Don't listen to him," Severus said forcefully.
"Please, let me finish. I know he was trying to make me feel weak, but… he was right."
"No."
"He said I was the sort to fancy my best friend's bully."
"Don't use that word."
"What word?" Lily asked with confusion.
"'Bully'." Severus shifted in his seat. "If Potter's a bully, that makes me a victim."
"But he was-"
"Don't call me a victim." Severus flipped the notebook to the back and pointed at the 'no pity' point.
"Why not?"
"Do you think I need you reminding me of….?" Severus trailed off, not even sure what to say. There were too many things he could say, or at least he thought there were, and he didn't think that a single sentence would be adequate enough to get the point across. If he was being honest with himself, he wasn't sure if he even wanted to repeat everything that was done to him, both for his sake and for Lily's.
"We can put a pin in that," Lily said, flipping back to the lists and uncapping the pen. "Let me just mark some things down." She crossed out 'possessiveness' from Severus's list. All that was left were 'blood purity', 'Death Eaters', and 'temper'.
"Before we move on," Severus said, "Tom wanted you to see the worst in yourself so that you would forget the best parts. That's how people manipulate: they emphasize one trait to distract from another, and then guide their efforts into bringing more attention to it." He took the pen from Lily and crossed out 'hypocritical'.
The two of them took the time to look over what they'd crossed out, and what was left. Severus had a few things.
-trust
-misunderstanding, misrepresents my words
-demanding
-priorities
-Potter
"I know I'm demanding," Lily said, breaking the silence. "Mary pointed that out more than once. I think it's to do with what I said before about the standards I have for you, in particular. And the fact that I was blind to what I was guilty of didn't help. You should've added 'self-righteous' to the list, too."
Severus almost did as Lily asked, but he stopped himself. "I think you've worked your way past that," he said. "And I think I already know why you ended up that way."
"What do you mean?"
"Gryffindor."
"... right."
"Mary was the first to prove me wrong," Severus said. "Why did you never introduce us before?"
"She was scared of you."
The answer hurt Severus more than he cared to admit, although he was more surprised that he could feel hurt by something like that. "I assume Mulciber had something to do with it?"
"That," Lily said, "and we didn't really help with that. She barely spoke to anyone in her first year, not even me or Marley."
"When she was comfortable enough," Severus said, "you could have arranged for all three of us to spend time together."
"I know," Lily replied with some shame in her voice. "I think I didn't want to rock the boat too much with Marley. And thinking back, it might have been because of Remus as well…. Sev?"
"Yes?"
"I know you sided with your House because of Potter, and I know that you don't like Muggles…."
"Why else did I consider being a Death Eater?"
Lily nodded.
"They had some respect for me," Severus said, "or they at least saw how useful I was. As long as I was useful and on their side, I had nothing to worry about from them."
"You didn't try pushing back on what they were saying?"
"How evil do you think they are?"
"What?"
Severus repeated his question. "How evil do you think they are?"
"I mean, they attacked Mary and Brandy."
"... that's a mild way of putting it," Severus said, although he was glad she'd held back. He didn't want to remember what he'd seen. "Imagine living in the same room as them."
"... oh," Lily said. "I guess…."
"I would've disappeared under mysterious circumstances if I'd stood up to them," Severus said. "Assuming I was so inclined."
"This is a bit heavy."
"Should we stop for now?"
"I think so." Lily uncapped the pen and crossed out 'Death Eaters', leaving 'blood purity' and 'temper'. "How about we have something to eat before we continue?"
"Very well." Severus briefly glanced out the window to look at the clouds.
"Can I ask you something personal while we wait for the trolley? It's not about the lists."
"... how personal?"
"Well, you've mentioned before that you went mad. What did you mean?"
"Typically, madness is closely associated with insanity," Severus said dryly. "One might say they're identical."
Lily gave Severus a look of disapproval. "You could just say you don't want to talk about it."
"Sorry," Severus said apologetically. "I just don't like talking about it."
"I only asked because you said… well, you thought it was the reason you changed. And you started thinking that you weren't my Sev."
… don't even think of telling her.
"... it's dreams, mainly," Severus began. He wasn't going to lie to her, but telling her the truth about what he was could put her in danger, especially if she let it slip to the wrong person.
"What sort of dreams?"
"Most nights," Severus continued, "I dream about what would have happened if I hadn't asked you to meet me in the Owlery, if I didn't even bother coming out of my room."
"What happens?"
"... I choose the Death Eaters, and you choose Potter. And my choices result in your deaths." Severus forced himself to Occlude. "And I spend the rest of my life having to protect your son."
Lily's eyes dimmed slightly. "How did I die?"
"... the Dark Lord murdered you. And it was my fault." Severus steadied himself as he thought of what to say next.
"And what about my son?"
"I was unkind to him. All I could see was his father staring back at me."
"... how did you die?"
"By the Dark Lord's hand," Severus said.
"It's just a dream," Lily said softly. "Just… try not to think about it."
Severus shook his head. "I can't."
"Why not?"
"Do you know what it's like to remember every second of your entire life? To remember each and every thought and sensation with vivid detail for thirty-eight years, all contained within a single night? To have that same dream every single night for what amounts to almost a year?"
Severus realized he'd made a mistake in how he'd explained himself, because Lily was starting to tear up. Without much warning, she got out of her seat and sat next to him, pulling him into a hug. He stiffened at her touch; while he'd been much more receptive to it a few weeks ago, he knew it was because of the relief he felt when she said she'd forgiven him. Thinking it would end the hug more quickly, he wrapped one arm around her, followed by the other; unfortunately, this only encouraged her to pull closer, and now he could feel her body heat, the softness of her breasts-
STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY!
"L-Lily," Severus stammered quickly, feeling his face redden. "You're a bit close." He loosened his hold and gently nudged her away.
Lily pulled back, and Severus realized she'd been crying. "S-sorry," she said quietly.
Severus took the corner of his sleeve and dabbed her face. "There's nothing to worry about."
"Nothing to worry about?!" Lily's damp eyes flashed with outrage.
"I take potions to stop myself from dreaming," Severus explained. "At least, when I'm able. I have enough to last the summer, and I can always make more."
There was a sudden knock on the cabin door, and Lily stood and wiped her eyes dry. She opened it, and Severus saw the lady with the trolley, as well as the usual assortment of treats.
"Anything from the trolley, dears?" the old, hunchbacked witch asked.
"I'll have a few cauldron cakes," Lily said. She turned to Severus and asked, "Anything for you?"
"None for me," Severus said, standing and making his way to the door. He dug his hand into his pocket and unclasped his coin purse. "I'll pay for them."
"You don't have to."
"I want to, if you'll let me."
Lily smiled a bit before turning back to the trolley witch. "I'll have three, then."
"Six sickles," the witch said.
Severus dug six sickles out of his pocket and handed it to the witch, who in turn handed the cauldron cakes to Lily.
"Thanks," Lily said.
"Of course, dear." The witch continued on her way down the train, calling out if anyone wanted treats from the trolley.
Severus and Lily sat back down, the latter returning to her seat across from the former, as she took a bite of one of them. Eating seemed to settle her down some more, but Severus could tell she was still bothered.
"I'm sorry I upset you," Severus said.
Lily shook her head. "No, I asked. I can't blame you for telling me."
While Severus wanted to respond, he thought it best to move on to another topic.
What did you have in mind?
I don't know, I thought you might have an idea.
Try to pick something unrelated, yet relevant.
… cauldron cakes…? I've got it. "Don't eat too much," Severus warned Lily. "You might not have room for dinner."
"What are we having?" Lily asked.
"For old times' sake," Severus answered, "I thought I could try making fish and chips."
"... really?" Lily sounded as though the concept was impossible.
"And I'll make the proper ones," Severus added. "None of that vegetable oil nonsense. Mutton tallow and all."
"Not beef?"
"I'm not made of money."
Lily smirked. "Well, that sounds rather bostin', doesn't it?"
"Positively."
Lily took another bite of her cauldron cake and offered Severus one. "Help me finish them?"
Severus reluctantly took one and took a bite. The chocolate flavor was too potent for his palette, but he forced it down as quickly as possible.
"... you really don't like sweets, do you?" Lily asked.
Severus shook his head. "No, I… wait, why did you offer me one if you know I don't like them?"
"I thought you'd refuse," Lily said with amusement, but this shifted to something else. "Looking back… did you like any of the sweets we had?"
"No," Severus answered honestly. "Unless it's fruit."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"I didn't want to disappoint you. If we didn't go for sweets, we'd have less to do together."
"... we could have gone to buy fruit, then."
"... ah… well…."
"What?"
"You know how my name has a bit of a reputation?" Severus asked. "Aside from my parents, of course."
"I know Tuney recognized you," Lily said, now confused.
"Do you know why?"
Lily shook her head, and Severus wasn't sure whether to be relieved or more stressed out.
"Right, I'll just say it," Severus said, mentally preparing himself. "I've been known to… sneak."
"... sneak?"
"Around Birmingham and Dudley… mainly the markets," Severus explained. "There's a reason I'm such a fast runner."
"... you were a pickpocket?!"
"No, no," Severus said quickly, "no, I'd never put my hands in people's pockets!"
"So, just a thief, then?"
"Yes," Severus replied uncomfortably.
"Were you just stealing food?"
"That's part of it. I might have also stolen a few books from the library in Birmingham."
Lily snort-laughed. "Of course, you would."
Severus grinned at Lily's amusement, and a wave of relief washed over him. He wasn't sure how she would've reacted had he told her earlier on in their relationship; despite what he wanted to believe, he had a feeling she would have distanced herself from him. "So," he said, "do you want to continue the talk?"
Lily, as though she only now noticed she'd finished her cauldron cakes, nodded. "What do we have?" She took a quick look over what was left to get back on track. "... could you cross out 'demanding'?"
Severus uncapped the pen and crossed out 'demanding' before setting it back down.
"Thanks. What do you mean about 'priorities'?"
Severus took a moment to see how Lily was doing, or at least how she seemed to be. While he refused to use Legilimency on her, it was obvious that she was nervous.
Do we take our time?
No. The sooner we're past this, the better you are in the long term. Stretching things out will put undue stress on her.
Severus braced himself before speaking. "I've noticed a trend throughout our relationship."
"What trend?"
"You tend to side against me," Severus said, not waiting to mince words. "At least when I'm in conflict with someone else."
"W- like who?!" Lily sounded alarmed.
"Petunia, for one."
"She's my sister," Lily argued. "Of course, I'd side with her."
"Every time? Even when she's in the wrong?"
"... it wasn't every time."
"Most times, then," Severus said, correcting himself. "Whenever I said anything negative about her, you'd push back and give some sort of excuse to get me to see things from her perspective."
"I did the same thing for you," Lily said, crossing her arms. She looked like she was getting worked up.
"I didn't ask you to make excuses for me," Severus countered.
"What else was I supposed to do, then? Go along with it and say, 'Yeah, Snivellus really is just a creepy Dark Wizard wannabe'?"
Severus knew, on a logical level, that Lily wasn't calling him 'Snivellus'. The red flask, however, was beginning to fill up.
"... I didn't mean it like that," Lily said, gentling her voice.
Severus cursed himself; he hadn't meant for her to notice his frustration. "Did you believe what they were saying about me?"
"... not at first," Lily answered honestly. "I started noticing in fourth year… around the time I started fancying Potter…." As she paused, Severus saw a small glimpse of an epiphany. "Maybe I wanted an excuse so I wouldn't feel bad about it?"
"... maybe."
Once more, a silence made its way between the two. Severus knew he had to push on as best as he could, but with the way this conversation was going, he feared Lily wouldn't be fit to continue. If he made her too emotional, she'd be easily influenced, and he couldn't let that happen.
"... or maybe not," Severus added after an awkward amount of time.
"Can we put a pin in this and talk about Potter?"
Severus was taken aback by the sudden request. "Very well."
"How much did he contribute to you siding with your housemates?"
"Almost all of it," Severus answered automatically.
"So, it wasn't just Muggles that-?"
"Tobias made me dislike Muggles," Severus answered, "but you can dislike Muggles without being a Death Eater or siding with people who might become Death Eaters. Even if Potter hadn't been… well, himself, I would have still been prejudiced, only without my disdain for Gryffindors."
"I guess I'm the living embodiment of everything you dislike, then," Lily said with a small laugh.
"... you're the antithesis of my beliefs," Severus replied. "When we were friends, you disproved them."
Lily's cheeks pinkened at the response.
What the hell was that?!
It's the truth.
She's blushing because of us!
Well, you should've thought of something before I did!
"That came out wrong," Severus said in an attempt to redirect the flow of the conversation. "What I meant to say was that being friends with you contradicted my worldview. I suppose it had more to do with the fact that, despite growing in different directions, we came from the same roots. Cokeworth."
"Do you think we would've been friends if we'd never met before Hogwarts?" There was some anticipation, perhaps worry, in Lily's voice.
Severus had to think about the question. What would life have looked like if he'd never met Lily before Hogwarts? He knew he hated Muggles; he knew he would grow to hate Gryffindor, assuming he'd met her in the cabin they shared with Potter and Black. Perhaps Petunia wouldn't have resented her if wasn't around; perhaps, then, Lily would have no reason to cry on the train, and the conversation that started his own rivalry with Potter would never come to pass. But Potter was Potter, and therefore he would behave the same as he did before. And with that, Severus would have no reason not to join the Death Eaters….
"I want to say 'yes'," Severus answered. "But I think I would've had less of a reason to like Muggles or Muggle-borns. I'm glad I knew you before that."
Lily seemed to be fighting back a smile, but she very-quickly lost. She looked back down at the lists and said, "Right, we were talking about Potter."
"Can I just sum it up?"
"Sure."
"Sod Potter."
Lily let out a laugh at that, uncapped the pen, and crossed 'Potter' off the list. Before she set the pen down, her eyes seemed to scan the page once more. "Have we gone over 'priorities' enough?"
"Not yet," Severus said. "There was also the entirety of last year to take into account."
"... I don't have an excuse," Lily said, her mirth dwindling.
"I don't need an excuse. Only an explanation."
"I thought that doing things my way was the best way. And if you did what I said, everything would be better. And even after I realized what I was doing over the Christmas hols, I just… I didn't go out with Potter because I was interested."
"Why, then?"
"I thought he just wanted one date."
"Men like James Potter don't settle for one date," Severus explained. "They test your boundaries, find a weak point, and then apply pressure until you surrender. Then, once they reach another boundary, they repeat the process. Eventually, you find yourself compromised and vulnerable, and when you push back, they blame you and cite your earlier compliance."
"... you've put some thought into this," Lily said, some concern in her voice.
"I know what it looks like."
Lily's eyes flickered over Severus briefly before she stood up, sat back next to him, and wrapped an arm around him.
"You don't have to hug me every time you think I'm upset," Severus said.
"I'm not," Lily said back. "I'm doing this for me."
"... oh." Severus mirrored her, putting his arm around her and pulling her closer.
"I think I know what you meant when you described that," Lily continued. "Marley does too."
"What do you mean?"
"Potter or Black, or both, were spying on her and me-"
"What?!" Severus's entire body tensed up. The red was beginning to rise and steam the cork.
"It's done with," Lily explained. "Remus handed the map to Dumbledore after his falling out with the boys."
"What if they try again?" Severus asked, forcibly cooling himself down by Occluding.
"They won't," Lily said, squeezing Severus's shoulder slightly. "Dumbledore knows about their behavior now. That has to count for something."
"Not likely," Severus muttered.
"Spying on a student is a serious issue," Lily said. "They could be expelled."
Severus was almost glad that Lily didn't know about his blackmail of Pettigrew. He wasn't sure if he ought to tell her, or if he should wait until later on, once they had managed to sort things out properly. However, he had to ask himself one very important question: would Potter conceal the truth from her?
"... I need to tell you something," Severus said. "There's a very high chance you won't like it."
"What do you mean?" Lily asked. She sounded uncertain of what Severus was about to say.
"We're still reconciling," Severus began, "so if you feel that this is too far-"
"What do you mean?" Lily asked, her voice hardening.
"... I've been blackmailing Pettigrew," Severus said quickly. He averted his eyes.
"What?!" Lily suddenly released her hold of Severus and moved away.
Severus took a shallow breath in and out. This was it, wasn't it? After all that happened this year, this was the moment when Lily would leave for good. He braced himself; if he could live without her before, he could do it again, as long as she survived. "I had him spy on Potter and my Slytherin housemates. He's been feeding me information for the past year."
"... did you make him spy on me?!" Lily's face was red.
"Do you think I'd ask Peter fucking Pettigrew to spy on you?!" Severus spat back. "What do you take me for?!"
Lily's red face had gone pale, and Severus realized she'd scooted herself further from him and closer to the door. He had to keep calm.
"Lily-"
"I need to use the loo," Lily said quickly, standing up and leaving Severus alone in the cabin.
Severus leaned forward and rested his face in his hands, controlling his breathing as best as he could to quell the sudden stress spike. They'd managed to get past some of their problems, or at least work things out. He knew that telling her about Pettigrew was a bad idea; every sense in his body had told him not to bring it up. He thought the worst of it would be her outrage at his behavior, but unfortunately, it wasn't. It was her fear.
She was afraid of him.
Lily I
Lily flushed the toilet and turned her attention to scrubbing her hands, but her thoughts kept going back to Severus. She was used to his temper, at least she thought she was, but there was something in his voice that put her on edge, to the point where she almost forgot why they had started arguing in the first place. Drying her hands, she remained in the lavatory as she thought about how to approach this; if she was being honest with herself, she was scared of going back to the cabin. She wondered if Severus realized how he'd reacted to her question, or if he was blind to it. Regardless, his temper had to be addressed.
Lily left the lavatory and made her way back to the cabin, and she opened the door to find Severus standing, as though he was about to leave.
"Where were you going?" Lily asked hesitantly.
"To find you," Severus replied. He was avoiding Lily's eyes.
"Sev-"
"I know I have a temper," Severus cut in, surprising Lily. "We both do, but mine's more volatile. I think you figured that out."
"... you didn't write down that I had a temper," Lily said, moving into the cabin and shutting the door.
"It wasn't a problem," Severus explained. "If anything, it kept me in check."
"No," Lily responded. "No, I was shutting you down when you were upset."
"Maybe that was a good thing."
"... what?!"
"If keeping me in check helps me reconcile with you, then-"
"Severus Snape." Lily moved toward Severus and held his face with her hands, forcing him to look at her. "I promised I would listen to what you had to say. And I'm going to keep that promise. I'm not shutting you down just because you're afraid of what you'll do."
Severus's eyes never met her's. He looked as though he wanted to say something, but was stuck.
"... we can talk about our tempers," Lily suggested. She gently guided him to sit down and sat beside him, this time holding the notebook between them. She took the pen and circled 'temper'. "What makes you angry?"
Severus looked down at the words on the page. "I don't know how to answer that."
"Take your time."
The two of them were silent for a few minutes as Severus continued to think. Finally, he gently took the pen from Lily's hand and circled 'trust' and 'misunderstanding, misrepresents my words'.
"... what do you mean?" Lily asked.
"I think part of it is when people assume the worst of me. I guess it's my fault for building a bad reputation for myself, but-"
"You were a child," Lily said, not meaning to cut him off.
"Potter and Black were children when they started going after me," Severus retorted. "Age isn't an excuse."
"Children aren't mature-"
"Children can be mature enough to understand good and bad behavior," Severus shot back. "You were."
"I wasn't perfect," Lily said. "We both know that. I didn't care about whether people saw my magic or not until you told me about Azkaban. I pranked Petunia with magic because I thought her reactions were funny. I smuggled you into the house, even when Mum and Dad didn't want you there."
Severus's lip curled upward a bit, and Lily's chest warmed. "I haven't forgotten that bloody song you sang when I climbed through your window," he said.
Lily felt her own lips curl upward as well. She'd almost forgotten about those times. "The point is," Lily continued, staying on-topic, "we're not perfect. I hate to say it, but I think part of me believed otherwise."
"You never struck me as a narcissist," Severus said, turning to face her.
"No," Lily replied, "but I was certainly a bit self-righteous. Maybe being sorted into Gryffindor didn't turn out so well, after all."
"... I don't resent you for being a Gryffindor," Severus said.
"Really?"
"Like you said, we're not perfect." Severus shot her a crooked smirk.
Lily let out a small laugh. "Personally, I think you would've made a fantastic Gryffindor."
"I doubt it."
"I mean it," Lily said. "You're the bravest person I've ever known."
Severus seemed stunned at the comment, and he looked away slightly. Lily could tell that his eyes were slowly beginning to water, and it almost made her do the same. She had no idea why a compliment would get this reaction out of him, while an insult didn't. She didn't want him to cry again (the last time she'd seen him cry, it all but destroyed her), but she wanted him to see the good parts of himself.
"... why did you blackmail Pettigrew?" Lily asked, changing the topic so that Severus could retain his dignity. "What did you get out of it?"
"I needed him to keep tabs on what Potter and my housemates were doing," Severus answered.
"Why?"
"There's a few reasons," Severus explained. "I wanted to see what Potter was doing with regards to you, as well as what he was planning to do to me."
"Wait, so you knew what he was doing to you, and you didn't try to work around it?"
"If I did, Pettigrew's cover would be blown," Severus answered. "For the sake of keeping my informant, I had to literally and metaphorically take the fall."
"... that morning when you slipped," Lily said, realizing what had happened at the start of their sixth year, "that was them, wasn't it? They did something, didn't they?"
"Some sort of slipping solution," Severus said. "Near-undetectable to the naked eye. That was before I blackmailed Pettigrew, though. The final straw was the dungbomb in my room."
"Dungbomb?!" Firstly, how twisted were Potter and Black to target a sick student?! Secondly, how twisted did they have to be to plant a dungbomb in a sick student's bedroom?! But thirdly, and most importantly…. "How did they even get in? I thought your door was sealed to the students?"
"I can't tell you," Severus answered. "It's the blackmail material I have on them."
"'Them'?" Now, Lily was even more curious.
"I'm not saying."
"Severus," Lily said, "I don't want you blackmailing Pettigrew anymore."
"But-"
"You're better than that." Lily stopped, expecting Severus to respond, but when he didn't, she continued. "Why else was he spying?"
"... I needed to see if anyone was trying to get you and Potter together," Severus admitted.
"... alright, that's concerning."
"I know. Given what he was doing, I was worried you wouldn't see through him. I thought everything would turn out like it did before… in that dream."
"Was it that bad?" Lily asked. "What exactly happened?"
"You started dating him in our final year," Severus explained. "He continued his behavior behind your back. Eventually, I received a letter in your handwriting which said that you wanted to talk; this was the first time since I called you that word that you'd wanted to speak to me. So, I went to meet you at the appointed place, near the edge of the Forbidden Forest…." Severus trailed off.
"What happened?"
"It's not appropriate."
"I trust you," Lily said, looking down at the circled word. "Whatever you saw, I'd like to hear it."
"I don't want to hear myself say it," Severus replied. "I saw you with Potter. Let's leave it at that."
"Were we…?"
"Please, stop asking."
"Alright." Lily almost rested her hand on Severus's arm, but she stopped herself. "I won't ask. You mentioned that you were spying on your housemates, right?"
"I thought one of them might retaliate against me if they noticed I was straying from them. Or maybe, against you."
"What about Mary?"
"We weren't close enough for me to think of that, but I suppose so, if it came to it."
Something was bothering Lily, but she knew Severus wouldn't want to answer the question. But she had to try. "I know you don't want me to ask how Pettigrew could spy on your housemates, but it doesn't make sense to me why you'd make him do that. Or even, how that would be possible. And the same with them breaking into your room."
Severus was visibly bothered by the question, but he looked like he was preparing himself to answer. "... alright." There was another pause, longer than the last, before he said, "Potter, Black, and Pettigrew are Animagi."
Lily wasn't sure if she'd heard Severus correctly. "Sorry?"
"Potter's a stag. Black's a dog. Pettigrew's a rat."
Lily blinked, unsure how to really respond to Severus's claims. "... are you sure?"
"Pettigrew was the rat I caught when I was walking you back from dinner," Severus answered. "From my room."
"How long have you known?"
"Their names are Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. After finding out that…." Severus stopped.
"What?"
"I can't tell you."
"Tell me what?"
"Lily, when I say I can't tell you, I can't explain to you what I can't tell you. That would defeat the whole purpose of not telling you."
"Why can't you tell me?" Lily asked, switching gears. She had to stop asking 'what' and keep asking 'why', just like Mary had advised.
"I promised I wouldn't," Severus replied. "I almost broke that promise when I heard people talking about Potter saving my life."
"When Potter- what are you talking…?" Lily stopped herself as she remembered the theory Severus had once told her about Remus's monthly disappearances. On the full moon. "Your theory…."
Severus nodded.
"... so, when Potter saved you, it was from Remus?!"
"Don't say he saved me," Severus said. "Black… I hate even admitting this, but Black tricked me into going down the tunnel when I saw Lupin go there with Madam Pomfrey."
"What?!" Lily knew Black could be cruel, but the thought of him sending Severus, or anyone for that matter, to certain death was despicable. "He tried to kill you?!"
Severus nodded again, saying nothing.
Lily had ignored Severus, dismissed him when he was trying to warn her about Potter and Black, about what Remus was. All of this right after the incident…. She looked back at the lists and looked at 'trust', and she began to come to terms with why he'd written it. She hadn't trusted him, and instead trusted Potter. "... do you hold it against me?"
"For not believing me?"
Lily nodded.
"I did," Severus answered, his honesty hurting Lily somewhat. "Until I almost lost you for good."
"Why did you want to stay friends with me?" Lily asked. "If you can't… if I couldn't trust you, and if I kept missing the point of what you were trying to say, why didn't you find someone else?"
"I did," Severus said. "Avery and Mulciber were starting to make their way into my life. But that was before the incident."
Lily wanted to ask once more why he'd want to be friends with her, but she already knew the answer. And while she wanted to say it, she couldn't get the words out. Severus loved her, despite how much she'd frustrated him.
"Don't feel guilty," Severus said, as though he sensed her mood.
"Why shouldn't I?"
"I've already forgiven you."
Somehow, hearing that was infuriating. "I don't understand how you're so forgiving of me when I do something like this! I wasn't a good friend-"
"You're my oldest friend," Severus said, "and I've already said that you weren't perfect; neither of us is perfect. But I don't need or want perfection from you."
"What do you want, then?"
"Your friendship." Severus looked her right in the eye as he answered, and while his stare wasn't intense (by Severus's standards), Lily could feel what he was saying. "Not a new friendship, either. I don't want to start over. I want us to pick up where we left off, fix what was wrong, and keep what's left."
Lily felt her face warm at his sentiment. If he'd been like this before, and she hadn't seen it…. "Okay," she replied, almost blankly.
Severus averted his eyes and back onto the list. "Anyway, you know about the blackmail. I won't go through with my threat."
"You promise?"
"I mean I literally can't. The mechanism was a magical contract I forced him to make with me. If I ever revealed the blackmail material, he and his friends would be safe."
"... you wrote a magical contract?!" Lily didn't know how Severus could make such complex magical practices seem so effortless. "How?!"
"Parchment and ink," Severus explained. "I then sealed it with Snarky's magic."
"Why Snarky?"
"House-elf magic is good for transporting people or objects instantaneously. I was going to send the Ministry letters on the Marauders if Pettigrew revealed I was blackmailing him, or if he displeased me enough."
"So… you just need it in writing and then a verbal agreement?"
"Essentially, yes. A signature tends to be more binding, but not necessary…. Anyway… what do we do with my temper?"
"Well," Lily said, "I think that, if the root of it is about trust and understanding… then we should work on that over the summer."
Severus nodded. "Should we leave it on the list, then?"
"Just for now," Lily said. "And… maybe we could work on your blood purity issues?"
"If you want," Severus answered, "although considering my two friends are Muggle-born, it feels a bit silly for me to hold anything against Muggle-borns as a whole."
"What about Muggles?"
"Work in progress."
"... Dad wanted you over for Easter," Lily said, which seemed to catch Severus by surprise. "And he wanted you to bring your mulled wine."
"That makes sense," Severus said. "I'm a very good brewer."
Lily couldn't help but smirk as she playfully nudged him. "Maybe I ought to add 'prideful' to the list."
"It's only a problem if what I say isn't true," Severus replied, some amusement in his voice. It vanished as he said, "Do you mind if we finish this at the house?"
"If you want. Is this too much?"
"No," Severus answered, shaking his head. "I thought we could get everything sorted out in eight hours, but we may need some time to let things sink in."
"Alright." Lily looked around the cabin before asking, "What do you want to talk about?"
"... potions?" Severus suggested.
"How exciting," Lily said sarcastically. "Sounds lovely."
Severus II
The train pulled up to the platform at approximately 7:00 in the evening; in that time, Severus and Lily had spoken ad nauseam about what might happen next term in their classes, as well as a brief overview of what Lily ought to expect from Alchemy. While Severus suspected she was only taking it to spend more time with him (which he didn't mind at all), he had no doubt that she was more than prepared for the class. If he could give her an overview of the five elements, based on his own knowledge and study, she would no doubt feel more at-ease.
"So," Lily said. "How do we do this?" She was, of course, talking about how they would stay the night at Severus's house while also pretending to sleep on the train back to Hogsmeade.
"Well," Severus answered, "There's only Regulus to worry about."
"And the trolley lady."
"She'll be asleep," Severus argued. "All we have to do is choose separate cabins, for the sake of not being accused of impropriety, and then Snarky can Apparate us to…." He swore under his breath; he wished he was his own Secret-Keeper. "... the place."
"Fidelius?"
"Fucking Fidelius."
Lily smirked. "A bit extreme, yeah?"
"It'll lift once I'm either dead or I sell… the place."
"Oh, so not too permanent, then?"
"No, certainly not."
"Also… 'impropriety'?"
"Too verbose?"
"... I don't know if you're doing this on purpose or not."
"Indubitably."
Lily rolled her eyes. "Alright, milord. Let's go home."
Home. Lily was living with Severus. Lily Evans was living in Severus Snape's house! Severus felt his heart rate pick up as he nodded. "How about I go first and prepare your room for you?"
"Alright." Lily opened the cabin door, only for the two of them to find the students walking down the compartment. She turned to Severus with wide eyes. "We have to guide them off!"
Severus hurried after Lily, the two of them making their way to the front of the students and off the train. They carefully brought order to them, making sure there was neither pushing nor shoving, as the compartments emptied out. During this, Severus glanced around and saw Potter and Black literally hopping out of their compartment, luggage in hand and followed by Pettigrew. Lupin was with McKinnon, behaving as they'd done ever since McKinnon discovered Lupin's condition. He didn't like McKinnon; if anything, he was almost satisfied to see her looking as guilty as she did whenever her eyes tried to meet Lupin's. And yet he couldn't help but notice something familiar about the situation….
"Sev?"
Severus turned to Lily. "Sorry, what?"
"We can go to our cabins, now."
"Ah." Severus hopped back on the train and followed Lily to the cabin they'd come from, only to find that it had been converted into a sleeper. On the side table sat a pot of tea, along with a cut lemon, a small jug of milk, and a bowl of sugar cubes. "Tea before dinner?"
"Why not?"
The two sat down and poured themselves some tea; Lily took lemon and sugar, while Severus took milk (which was somewhat new to him). He figured he ought to prepare his stomach for the fattiness that came from fish and chips, and milk could act as a bit of a warm-up for him.
Eventually, their cups were empty, and Lily stood. "I'll be in my cabin," she said. "I just… call Snarky, then?"
"I'll send him to you," Severus explained.
"Right. I'll see you in a bit, then." Lily left, shutting the door behind her.
"Snarky."
Pop. "Sir?"
"I'm ready to head back to the house now."
"Of course, sir." Snarky took Severus's hand, Severus took hold of his suitcase, and the two Disapparated from the Hogwarts Express.
Home looked cleaner than Severus expected it to look, no doubt due to Snarky's visitations while he'd been in Azkaban. Living alone, not having to worry about company, had never prompted Severus to feel self-conscious about the way he lived, neither now nor when he was Professor Snape. But now that Lily was living with him, every single flaw of Number 13 Spinners End came to the forefront of his mind in rapid succession. And where could he even begin?
The greatest and most fundamental problem was the fact that the interior of the house was completely inverted from the standard homes on Spinner's End. The kitchen window, which ought to have looked out onto the yard, instead looked onto the main road; meanwhile, the yard itself, which was supposed to be the backyard and functioned as such, led up to the front door. While there was supposed to be an outside lavatory, instead there was a cellar door, leading down to what now was the potions lab.
As Severus headed upstairs, he groaned as he took in the monstrosity of what Lily would have to deal with. The first floor's corridor wasn't supposed to exist; it was meant to stop right at the doors of the two bedrooms. Instead, the corridor went straight down the middle, dividing the upstairs in two halves. One side had a bathroom and the master bedroom, while the other had two guest rooms, and at the end was the study. And every single room was too small.
Lily would need the master bedroom; it was the largest room, and Severus absolutely refused to subject her to a guest room. He would stay in his old room, which wasn't so bad as long as he had his nightcap. He quickly sweeped the rooms, checking to make sure everything was clean and proper, before going into his old room and checking on the wardrobe. He unlocked it and opened the door, kneeling down and digging his hand inside the pillow sitting on the floor. Feeling the bits inside, he felt a calming sensation, and he stood, shutting and locking it once more before turning to Snarky and saying, "I'm ready; Apparate Lily into the sitting room."
"Of course, sir." Pop.
Severus made his way downstairs and almost jumped back as Snarky and Lily popped into existence before him. And once more, the reality of the situation came crashing down onto him.
"... hello," Severus said nervously.
"Hi." Lily gave Severus a small smile as she looked around. "I like the place. It's… cozy."
Cozy. That was a word.
"Snarky will return with Lily Evans's luggage," Snarky said before Disapparating.
Severus collected himself and said, "I'll give you the house tour-"
Pop. "Snarky has returned with Lily Evans's luggage." Underneath the house-elf's feet was a large trunk. "Snarky wishes Severus Snape a happy summer holiday." Before Severus or Lily could reply, he Disapparated once more.
"Bare essentials," Lily said with amusement gesturing to the trunk.
"... anyway," Severus said, "I'll give you a brief tour before I start dinner." He took Lily's trunk, which weighed heavier than he would care to admit (but of course, he didn't let on), and brought it up the staircase, with Lily following close behind. "The first door on the left is the bathroom," he said. "Second door is your room. Door at the very end is the study."
"It's a little cramped," Lily commented.
"Yes." Severus opened the door to the master bedroom and bit back a groan as he realized how little room there would be for the trunk. "I don't know who built this house, but when I find out, I'm turning them into beavers."
"Beavers?"
"Beavers have a better sense of architecture than they do." Severus hoisted the trunk onto the foot of the bed. "If you need me for any reason, I'm the door across from the bathroom."
"Thanks. I'll just unpack a bit."
"Of course. I'll put the tallow on." Severus hurried downstairs and broke out the pot, setting it on the stove before turning the knob so that absolutely no gas could come out- oh of fucking course, because why not? He drew his wand and tapped it against the pot, casting a heating charm. As the tallow began to heat, he went to the icebox and pulled out the whitefish, setting it on the counter before hurrying back for ingredients to make the batter.
"Do you need any help?"
Severus was almost startled by Lily's voice. He turned to face her as she stood in the archway to the sitting room. "I can do it."
"I'd rather help," Lily said. "I'd rather not sit around at home doing nothing."
"We'll be at the castle during the day."
"Can I please help?" There was a tone of bare-minimal desperation in Lily's voice, something which Severus recognized instantly; she didn't want to feel useless.
"... could you help prepare the batter while I peel the potato?"
"Alright." Lily smiled as she went over to the cabinet and got out a bowl. "Where's the beer and flour?"
"Cupboard," Severus answered, gesturing to the door. "Don't pull the broom handle."
"Why?"
"Secret entrance to the potions lab."
"... that's bostin…!" Lily remarked quietly. She opened the cupboard door and brought out the flour and beer, bringing them to the bowl and mixing them together. "Salt?"
Severus grabbed the saltshaker and handed it to her.
"Thanks."
Severus held the potato under the faucet and turned the… bloody fucking hell. No water, because why would there be?! Severus drew his wand and tapped the faucet, and water came out, rinsing the potato before shutting the water off and cutting the potato into chips. "I would've made mushy peas, but I know you don't like them."
"Good call," Lily said.
Severus saw that Lily had finished preparing the batter and that the tallow was now hot enough for them to start frying. "Cut the fillets down the long way and coat them; I can fry them."
Lily did as instructed, cutting the fish fillets so that they were long and thin, before taking each one and coating them before handing them to Severus. The battered fish immediately began to fry as Severus gently set them in, and he set a plate and pair of tongs beside the stove so he could pull the fish out once it was done. Lily began battering the chips before setting them in the pot as well, letting them fry to a golden color. After all was done, Severus got another bowl and set the chips into it. He charmed the faucet once more so they could rinse their hands, and they set the food out on the table in the sitting room.
"So," Lily began, "don't take this the wrong way, but… are you planning on getting a dining table?"
"There's never really been a good time," Severus admitted. "I could transfigure one and move a few things around."
"Not now," Lily said, sitting down. "We've been busy enough as is."
"Speaking of busy, the train will be leaving the station at about eleven tomorrow. We should wake up at about six or so if we want to get breakfast."
"Alright." Lily took a strip of fried fish and gingerly took a bite. Severus watched as her throat and cheeks tightened, her eyes boring into the fish she was eating. He watched as she chewed slowly, and her eyes finally relaxed. She looked back up at Severus and said, "This is delicious."
"Is it?" Severus had never tried proper fish and chips before. He took one of the pieces and bit into it, and the odd, sickening flavor he'd tasted the first time he'd had them was gone, instead replaced by a full, savory flavor that was cut by the lightness provided by the beer.
"How is it?" Lily asked excitedly.
"... I think I understand why people like this." Severus took another bite, pacing himself.
Severus and Lily ate quietly, occasionally glancing at each other in approval of what they'd managed to make together. As far as first days of summer, this day was particularly bostin.