That was the best night of sleep I've ever had. I'm still waking up. The first thing my eyes see is a high apartment ceiling. Not on the ship. Oh hello. Tali is curled up on my chest. Her mouthpiece making a soft wheeze sound with each deep breath. She is so cute. I want to wake up every morning like this. The corner of my eye catches the differences in the night before. Strings of led lights, party banters, Grunt passed out on the couch with his buffalo sized tongue generating a wet spot. Eww.

How party hardy did we get last night? Status check. No headache, I don't believe I blacked out from booze. I remember falling asleep on the couch with Tali. Am I missing something? I check the date on my omnitool and verify today is the correct day. My movements end my dear's sleep.

"Good Morning my cherished" she softly says before getting up to stretch. Ah man. Couldn't we stay like that for an hour or two? Is that so much to ask for? Jacob is up and what the hell does he think he's doing in my kitchen? I have to establish culinary dominance, protect my sustenance territory. Tali gets up from the couch and offers to pull me up which I accept. She needs to use the bathroom. Her suit allows her to go whenever, but she empties her contents every night, except last night. I don't like to think about it.

James is chatting with Mordin who is enjoying a salad. One glimpse of the sectional couch shows the before mentioned Grunt, with Kaiden and Cortez on the under end sharing a blanket. Aww I feel the love vibes coming from those two sleepy heads. It's heartwarming to see people happy. The glass of orange juice calls for me. Whatever selective breeding or genetic modifications they did to the oranges here make them taste so good. I'm too tired for manners and slither past James for the carton. Not much is left. I don't want to dirty a glass and just drink the rest. Four gulps and it's gone.

James says "I take it you're not a morning person?"

I reply "Eh it's ok. I like that feeling of just waking up and enjoying the bed. If I'm lucky, warm air envelops my body under the blanket which feels amazing."

Mordin shushes me "keep it down. Everyone else is still sleeping."

I look at the microwave, the clock says it's 5:47 AM. WHY THE FUCK AM I UP SO EARLY! I should let it go. I did fall asleep early than normal. Even Stevens. Since I'm up and in the mood for waffles and eggs, I'll start getting things ready. While I look through the cabinets for a waffle maker, I quietly ask "What happened after I fell asleep?"

James answers "Nothing. Watch the game. Everyone was tired and hit the hay."

I ask "And you decorated why?"

Mordin explains "Salarians only need sleep for one hour. After everyone slept, I went to enjoy what was near, came back and slept. When I woke up, I was bored and needed something to do so I decorated."

I ask "you decorated around us when we were sleeping?" That creeps me out.

James pulls out a carton of eggs and a tall from a nearby cabinet. He requests for a fork and I give it to him. I finally find the waffle maker and carefully place it on the counter. I hope the sounds don't wake everyone up. Scent is supposed to wake up everyone. Nothing like breaking sleep to a good home cooked meal. James Cracks half a dozen eggs into the glass and scrambles them. I normally do that in a bowl, but when I lived alone for the first time, the place I rented had coffee mugs. I never had coffee; afraid the caffeine would irritate my nerves, so they ended up being used to scramble the eggs. I get the frying pan ready, extending my arm for the glass, which James goggles down. It doesn't matter how empty my stomach is. My body is demanding I evacuate all the contents.

James ask "This grosses you out?"

"YES! That is disgusting. I thought you were getting scrambled eggs ready."

James says "I like to mash them up because the yolk feels funny going down."

KACKAHHUG. I might actually throw up.

Mordin asks "is ingesting raw eggs unhealthy for humans?"

"IT'S DISGUSTING!"

James says "Salmonella is very rare and this allows for better protein absorption."

"I don't care."

Mordin asks to try. He rubs his finger along the inside of the glass and tastes unfertilized bird egg. The salarian yums in delight.

James says "It's not that big of a deal. Haven't you ever had sunnyside up eggs?"

"Never. Eating anything liquid out of an egg is- I can't even look at you. There is some yellow on the side of your lip."

James wipes it off. My hands prop myself over the sink. Spontaneous ab contractions try to force the feelings of revolt out through my mouth. Mordin offers me a medication to aid my discomfort. James says he'll get some eggs ready for scrambling. Yes the way the are meant to be eaten. Taylor arrives at the scene.

James says "Hey Tay. You're a morning person too?"

Taylor says "Yes. It's when I do my yoga and breathing exercises. Is ********* sick?"

Mordin rubs his hand in circles along my back, supporting me through my darkest hour "It's going to be ok. You'll feel better soon."

Taylor asks "what's wrong with him?"

James says "Oh apparently eating uncooked eggs is a trigger for him. He's never eaten sunnyside up before. He doesn't know what he is missing out."

Taylor is shocked "Really? Or over easy? The yellow is the best part. It's so creamy. Haven't you ever eaten raw cookie dough or brownie mix?"

"DON'T REMIND ME! Urphgmmm."

Mordin suggests for me to lay down and I tend to agree. Taylor offers to finish the waffles and eggs for me. This is the only time I relinquished my cuisine crown, abdicating my cookery throne. The monastery of the great couch calls for me. God is beckoning to bury myself in the scriptures of the cushion wrinkles. I submit to the higher power. I am rewarded with the glorious heavenly white blanket over my body and eyes. Shielding me from the demonic evil of raw eggs.

Tali returns from the bathroom, asking James where I am. He points to the couch. Tali walks over and notices my atypical behavior. "*********? What's wrong?"

Whimper.

Tali asks "are you sick?"

Yowl.

Tali turns back at the cult of yolks "what happened?"

James takes responsibility and describes the horrific series of events which led to my breakfast defeat. "Oh" she says. Tali pulls the blanket off my face. She tells me "I think it's disgusting too." Her aura tells me she is only saying that to make me feel better. I responded.

"I LOVE YOU!"

Tali says "I love you more."

Grunt's nose wiggles like a great Dane smelling the delicious scents of a salarians waffles. Grunt notices the pond of saliva he left and covers it up with a throw pillow. Remind me not to sit there in the future. Slowly but surely the noise of cooking and the aroma of sustenance brings everyone to the kitchen. Tali grabs me a plate and I wolf it down. Hey this is pretty good. I'm going back for seconds once everyone else has had their fill. Shepard comes down with his hair still wet, notices my absence behind the frying pans.

Shepard asks "hold on. ********* isn't cooking? Is the end of days near?"

"God must smite the embryo drinkers."

Joker asks "what?"

Mordin explains "witnessing ingestion of uncooked chicken eggs incapacitates *********."

Taylor translates "In English (I'm too traumatized to correct her for not using the proper term AMERICAN), eating or drinking raw eggs really grosses him out."

Shepard asks "Seriously?"

James says "Seriously. He almost throw up after I downed my morning protein shakes."

Shepard says "Hell I do that sometimes. Oh *********?"

The temptations are too strong. God, please give me the streng– I peek around. The devil has corrupted our Shepard. There… the savior from the Reapers has in his hand, a partially cracked egg, with the thick mucus-like white part of the egg suspended in the air. The corrupted licks the forbiddenness with a sadistic look in his eyes. I'll never leave the monastery again. This world has been corrupted beyond redemption.

Shepard laughs "That's all it takes?"

Tali asks "I get this is funny but can we please stop. Does he really deserve that after everything he's been through?" Yes! The heavens sent me their most beautiful angel to bestow me providence. PRAISE THE LORD!

Shepard laughs for a good minute until is slowly dissipates "Alright I'm done. *********, I invited some old friends to come over. They'll arrive after lunch. Please be back before then."

After a few minutes, the twisting feeling in my stomach is gone and I join the others. Since someone else cooked, I'm going to have to do the dishes. Really I just want to talk to Ashley away from the others. I noticed something different about her. The population of the kitchen dwindles. Joker asks to use a the shower. Cortez and Kaiden decided to go for a walk. Garrus is sleeping in. I ask Ashley to help out. She says sure. We have usually small talk. She tells me how cute Tali and I were on the couch last night. I asked her if she was jealous. Ashley says no because she's not a cuddler. We talk about the weather and elevators and meaningless small talk until we are 90% done with the dishes. I was optimizing my not washing dishes time and now the time is to act.

"Hey Ash! Up high! Nice to have another on my side." I wiggle my fingers.

She squints her eyes, a concerned wonderment in her gaze. Her stoic demeanor leaks out a drop of awkwardness in her voice "What are you talking about?" Highfive me woman. The blood is draining from my fingertips and needs to be reactivated with slaps. Don't leave a bro hanging.

"You know how if you put a plug into an outlet, there is an energy transfer?"

"Yeah?"

"Well when that happens between two people, they rub off on each other and leave imprints in their auras. You and Garrrruuussss… Welcome to team xenophile. You're one of us. ONE OF US. I'll send you your shirt"

Ashley nearly slams the plate in her hands on the counter, "I-I-I. He's so tall…and that voice, and he has a career."

"What is with you and men needing a career? Isn't this the twenty-second century?"

Ashley says "Ehh when I was young, I dated a guy who wouldn't work and supported him longer than I should have. I vowed never again."

"If he didn't work, why did you sugar mama him for so long?"

Ashley smirks "Because he was super-hot. Keep quiet and don't tell anyone. Do I have to worry about anything?"

I ask "What? Like chaffing?"

Garrus displays his pride of stride as he enters the kitchen. There is our player. The man of the hour. The myth, the legend, the pinnacle of turiankind. I ask him "How is my favorite Vakarian? You're the only Vakarian I know. The rarity adds spice to our friendship dynamics. How'd you sleep?"

Garrus pours himself a glass of water "I didn't get much sleep last night." I bet you didn't.

I dry my hands on the dishrag, Garrus gulps down the hydration solution. The second he makes eye contact with me, he knows. I'm so proud of my boy. We high five, down low, and I leave the love birds alone.

We kill time by watching home improvement shows while Tali gives me my massage. I like for her to get ideas of what she wants in our future home. The HGTV formula didn't change at all, except the lovely couples are mostly asari with their bondmates. The commercials here are so weird. A Lot of these products and services are not marketed for humans, but I suppose some could be used by us. The target demographic is asari and turian mostly. Grunt is ordering something he clearly doesn't need. Hopefully he doesn't become a shopaholic.

Everyone went and did their own thing. Grunt called and talked to his krogan friends, Shepard and Liara went to the Silversun strip. Mordin is thinking about starting a music video series on basic scientific concepts. Ken and Gabby dropped by for a bit. They wanted to see the place before they eloped. Tali and I congratulated them. I offered to officiate for them, but they decided against it. They want a small private ceremony which is polite code for we don't want you there. But I wanted wedding cake. Wedding cake vibes are special vibes. Anyway Tali and I celebrate one last time before they are off. I tease Tai asking if she wants to do that. She says "as much as I want to be permanently bonded to you right now, I want the ceremony. Don't you want to see me walk down the Aisle wearing a white dress?" My mind pictures it and my heart is about to explode.

The events left me a little drained. I'm mentally tired and want to stay at the apartment to chillax. My introvert side is back. Tali has control over the channels, and we watch whatever she wants. I've seen so many shows and seen basically all the ideas, plot twists, that weird phase where Hollywood made women the main characters because they needed time to come up with something original. It's weird seeing how improved the graphics are. The screen resolution must be like 100k HD and frame rate 1,000. It honestly hurts my eyes to look at it for too long. Can human eyes even tell the difference at those specs? Mordin says Salarians can, and economic competition forced it to become a household staple. I know some old gaming friends who would love to have these.

I returned to the hot tub and took a cold shower. Something about the feeling of water cooling my hot body down feels so good. When I opened the steam covered glass door, Tali scares me by handing me a towel. She's enjoying the view. Instinctively, I hide back in the shower door.

Tali comments "So that is what I have to look forward to. I'm going to have a lot of fun with that. Why are you hiding?"

"Because you left the door open and I don't want anyone to walk by and see me."

Tali curses "Bosh'tet I forgot." She quickly exits the bathroom and closes the door for me… she could have at least stayed in with me. Universe? Are you conspiring to make me wait as long as possible? I get it will be worth it… it so better be worth it, but it's fucking annoying.

I dry myself off and enjoy the fresh scents of the towel. What am I doing? I reset my body, clothes and all. It's close to 11:30 AM. Tali treats herself to lunch. I offered to copy more of Karla's cooking, but she insists on her favorite nutrient paste. She rejected my cooking? I mean she rejected my copying of someone's cooking. I should feel offended. The horror of this morning has killed my appetite for today. Looks like it's going to be a fasting day (as in resetting my body so calories are still swimming in my bloodstream.)

Shepard and Liara come back to the apartment with a few friends. Shepard waves to come meet them. I walk over and in comes my former exercise body. The character BioWare made into a stereotype which I had to fix. Jacob carries three suitcases, one his back, another wedged in his underarm, the last about to tall off his right pinky with four more bags bending his fingers in unnatural ways. He has the merchant genes in him. Carrying as much as he can. I have those, but I hate being over encumbered and walking so slow is annoying as hell. Jacob relinquishes his burdens and lets everything fall down. His relieved spine stands straight.

I welcome him into our home. I prepared the space with home vibes. It's my home for now. I'm surprised he got here so fast, coming from who knows what star system with the relays tightly controlled to prevent Reaper transport. I tell him "It's good to see you again. How did you get here so fast?"

Jacob explains "We've been here for months. We thought it was the safest place."

In comes a very pregnant Miranda. She's going to pop soon. I'm hit with a thunderbolt. The vocalization areas in my brain stop working to process what I'm seeing. My trembling finger points to her "Mi-Mi your crotch is about to spawn" I'm shocked speechless, then, Jack who looks so amazing. She's glowing and sporting long hair. She looks beautiful. The transformation since I saw her last super weird. She looks like a Christian school girl who has a tattoo fetish. She hugs her sworn enemy "Miri! It's so wonderful to see you, and Jackie!" she rubs her belly.

Miranda welcomes it "say hi to your aunt Jacqueline." The hell happened?!

My jaw falls, the corner lip twitching. Jacob explains "They became really good friends after you left."

I ask Jacob "Miranda leg locked you, didn't she?"

Jacob says "No."

I ask "She poked holes in the jimmy hat."

Jacob shakes his head "No this was planned."

I ask "Your factory produced so much white chocolate it leaked onto the eggs below the floor." Did I just call Miranda a bottom?

Jacob laughs "I can go with that. Chocolate covered eggs? That must make me the Easter factory… That sounded cooler in my head."

I tell him "It should have stayed in your head. Jackie?"

Jacob explains "It's gender neutral and I'd like my kid to be named after me."

Jacqueline says "named after me he means."

I worryingly scold Jacob "you got her pregnant in the middle of a war? I know I'm not supposed to judge but come on man!"

Jacob explains "Miranda didn't want to waste her chance and I needed something worth fighting for."

Jack grabs my jaw and forces me to look into her irresistible gorgeous shiny eyes like mine, with the differences being hers is an almond shape and electric blue. She really did what I advised her to do. She looks and feels like a completely different person. "Thank you so much for teaching me to heal myself. Detox was a bitch but not my first rodeo. I couldn't have done it without you and never thought I would feel at peace. As a reward, I'll join you and Tali and do whatever kinky shit you'll like if you two are open to that sort of thing. I'm feeling very grateful." Jack seductively licks her lips, bites her lower lips and winks. Her pheromones are driving me wild.

"I-I-I TALI!" My beloved is distracted by feeling Miranda's swollen belly. It's hard to judge Tali's reaction, but I'm guessing she's intrigued.

Miranda asks her "does this scare you off?"

Tali says "not at all. Pregnant women are rare on the fleet. I'm curious. How do you feel?"

Miranda says "Swollen and ready to lay down. Are you and ********* thinking about starting soon? It would be nice for Jackie to have a playmate. I'll warn you, they raised the price of daycare. It's so expensive now."

I remember my sister, and a former manager complaining about it to me. Huh I feel for her. While I can pay for it now with gold I produce from converted dirt, I don't want to price others out of it when I can be a stay-at-home dad if needed. Out of curiosity I ask "what's the damage?"

Jacob says "because of the war there is a shortage. We're going to end up paying over 700 credits a month."

I ask "Remind me, numbers and purchasing power are skewed in my brains. About what percentage is that takehome pay?"

Jacob says "about a quarter of what I make. Crazy, isn't it?"

I ask "do you make a lot of money? It's fine if you don't answer. In my time, childcare cost more than rent in some places. One reason I didn't have them there. I refused to live paycheck to paycheck."

Jacob says "I make a comfortable amount but by no means rich. Was rent super cheap in your universe?"

I answer "No. A decent one bedroom apartment could cost 60% of my salary and I earned a real college degree and had a full-time job."

Miranda is confused "If daycare cost more than rent, how did you afford having children?"

I tell her "We didn't."

Miranda's eyes widened in disbelief and realized I'm not lying. "That's messed up. Why was it so expensive?"

I explain "It used to be you could drop your kids off at a daycare, they'd feed the kiddos a meal and they'd let them run around playsets making sure they didn't get hurt until you got off work. Then they decided caretakers needed to have master's degrees in child psychology, teach them sign language which we don't know, have infant CPR training and a bunch of unnecessary crap."

Miranda says "the CPR training is actually a good idea, but all that other stuff is so unnecessary."

Jacob says "I'm no longer complaining about the bills."

I tell both of them "I would have killed to have those prices."

Jacob asks us "when are you starting? Would you live as a quarian from then on?"

Tali replies "we never really discussed details. Definitely after the war. Cherished? I hate to make you wait, but would you mind if we lived a few years on Rannoch first so my body can adapt? Please? I promise I'll make it worth it."

"I can wait a few more years. Enjoy married life with you for a while."

Tali hugs me "thank you for understanding. I'll be the best mom to our kids."

"I know you will."