Chapter 20
I've never laughed so hard in my life! Or at least not in a very long time. It really is hilarious though: Dwalin and ME. Ha! Holding my wound, I indulge in the side-splitting laughter that washes over me. The dwarf stands quietly, not saying much of anything, only moving to drop my hand when my knees give out. I slowly fall and roll on the floor with messy snickers.
"Oh! Oh, that's a good one!" Slapping the grass, I tossed my head wildly as I start tearing up "You're 'Only'. Is that like..ha... like your 'One'? Oh, I get it! One and Only! Oh goodness, this is just too much!"
The dwarf doesn't join in and after a few more moments of eerie silence on his part, I begin to think that he might be a serious Joker. Chuckling softly to let him know that the jig is up doesn't work. Neither does the long train 'woooooo' as a finish. Folding my legs to sit like a pretzel, I clear my throat meaningfully and look at him with a grin.
"That was a nice joke. I needed that. It's been a long day." Rubbing my cheeks when he doesn't crack a smile, I know that he's got one powerful Poker Face. I'd have broken by now and I'm the reigning champion. Until today I haven't cracked a true smile in weeks "I've got a few things to brood about, so I'm-"
"Are ye finished then?"
"Huh?"
"I had expected anger... confusion... even a few odd tears perhaps." Crossing his arms over his chest with a deep frown, the dwarf sighs "Yer laughter comes as a surprise, Farseer Bloodstone."
And what am I supposed to say to that? Really. If he isn't joking, then what am I supposed to do? And why wouldn't he be joking? I'm not interested in him like that, or anyone else for that matter, and I don't really want to have anything to do with the company in terms of long. Not to mention my... Situation. It demands all the seriousness I can stand to acknowledge. Scratching my head, I shrug.
"Uh... Yeah, well... It's laughable, you know? You and me? I mean, seriously? You don't even like me."
"Nor do I need to, lass."
"Ouch."
"Onlys are not based on flighty things such as feelings nor are they a bond like Ones."
"Uh huh." He nods evenly as I stand to my feet. I'm not sure what this means or what to make of it. As such, I can't decide whether to run for the hills now or later. I will probably run regardless but... I'm curious. Mostly because I'm not really in the mood to think about anything concerning my bigger problems right now. I don't want to think about... IT. So I welcome to the distraction. Shrugging again, I nod for him to continue "Go on then. Explain this to me."
"Ye've lived long enough to know something about dwarves and their Ones, have ye not?"
"Hm..." I'm not sure how much is true fiction and how much is fanfiction so anything I say could be wrong or right. Maybe my idea of Ones is different than the truth. I can't be too sure of anything. So I'm not really ready to decide "Let's just pretend that I'm new to this world and I don't know anything."
"... Fine then. An Only is not to be confused with a One. A One is yer soulmate; the one ye were made to love and cherish until eternity turns ye to dust. It is a rare and blessed thing to find yer One."
"... I'm not your One."
"No."
"Thank God."
"Hm. My One perished when I was still a youth. She did not survive the wanderings before we settled in the Blue mountains." he doesn't say anything more about his One and I don't push. This isn't about some long-dead dwarf Lady. This is about him and I, or lack thereof "There is only my Only, which is ye."
"But I'm not, not really. You don't have me. You CAN'T have me. You don't get that right, nor do you have my permission."
"It is my right birthed through trial, I need no permissions. The same goes for ye. Ye are my Only and I, yers. To each other, we are the person, the only person, who can make the other whole again. This is not about rights and permissions, this is about much more."
"Make you whole again, huh? You speak as though I have some greeeeeat" I raise my palms and shake them openly: jazz hands "power over you."
"Indeed, and I have the same over ye."
"I don't like the way that sounds." crossing my arms, I begin to pace. A breeeze kicks up, tossing my hair about my head but I ignore it. Rubbing my side, I mull over the information. I still don't know enough "It also sounds as though an Only is a bad thing."
"A One is a blessing but an Only... an Only is more of a curse."
"Nope. Nope. Nope."
"Excuse me?"
"Why would I want to be cursed by you?"
"Ye are cursed already." Shaking his head, the dwarf follows me with his eyes "Those who have been broken-"
"Shut up!" covering my ears, I press my hands into the side of my head. Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to drown out his voice "I'm not broken! I'm not!"
"I only meant-"
"Stop talking to me!"
"I-"
"What makes you think that I'm-"
"Farseer Bloodstone!" The shout is enough to stop my childish ramblings. Slowly I drop my hands, I open my eyes to look at his stern expression "Shall we truly stand here and pretend? Pretend that ye have not lived through tribulation and lost parts of yerself? Are we to pretend that ye remain unaffected by the horror ye spoke of, not a day ago, with a crazed smile?"
"... I don't know what you're talking about..."
"I did not think ye the sort to dally in denial." Looking up at the stars, the dwarf loops his thumbs in his belt and mutters to himself "Ye are clearly in need of mending."
Yeah, so maybe I am. Alright, I definitely am. But if only he knew that denial is just about my middle name. If only he knew what I've been denying for so long... If only he knew, he'd have been the one to run for the hills long ago.
"I'm a curse then?"
"As I said, a One is a blessing. A One symbolizes abundance because in their love, ye are more. Whole."
"An Only is supposed to make you whole as well. What's the difference?"
"A One is adding to who ye are where as an Only has to heal what once was. In order for a dwarf to be in need of an Only, they must suffer deeply. To have an Only means ye have become less."
"So fractions... a bad thing." He nods in a shrugging type of way, not taking his eyes off the sky. He looks confused, as if he is sure what needs to be said, but not why HE is the one saying it "So... this isn't about love?"
"No, it is about compensation." Sensing the confusion in my frown, the dwarf directs me back to my earlier spot. Watching him wearily, I wait for him to take a seat before following suit "Due to certain circumstances, a person can lose a major part of themselves. Strength. Independence. Compassion. The options are endless. An Only must identify what has been lost and rectify it. The bond is complete once both persons have been made whole again. Both. In order to be made whole themselves, they must heal the other."
"A bond? Forever?"
"Unfortunately, yes."
"I don't really want to be bound to you. In case you didn't notice. I thought that was kind of made obvious."
"We are already bound; the choice is not yers. Nor mine." dropping his gaze to the ground, the dwarrow shakes his head "We will be bonded in parts or bonded as wholes, but we are forever bound."
Except are we? Just like my father, Mahal couldn't tell between my sister and I. Annie was supposed to be here, not me. This should be her healing time, not mine. Then again... Yvanna said that I'd benefit from this differently than Annie would have. She isn't here and even if she was she wouldn't have made it this far. Physically incapable, the dwarves never would have dragged her along and this opportunity would never have presented itself, if she was even meant to meet them. Either way, she would have probably just stayed behind and married Bilbo when he came back or something... So maybe this is my Saving Grace? If I can even be saved... If HE can even be saved... and just what would he need to be saved from?
"All this talk about me... What have you lost?"
"Nothing." Glaring at the dwarf, I wait for him to explain his answer. If we are supposed to be making each other whole, he has to be broken too. Why would I be the only one? That just isn't right. "It is why I desire yer aid; yer sight. It is my suspicion that something will occur on this Quest that will cause me to..."
"To break."
Without much thought I know exactly what's going to break him. Thorin will die. Fili will die. Kili will die. Balin will die. Ori will die. EVERYONE he knows will die. But Dwalin? Dwalin will live. He'll outlive them all. He'll live to be old and decrepit, watching those around him meet their end. He'll be too weak to stop any of it. Wouldn't that break even the strongest of men? Especially the strongest man.
Such failure... Isn't that what I wanted for him? Pain only ended by death? Now that I'm met with achieving that possibility... I feel a little... Reluctant. I'm furious, even now, about what happened to Killer but even I can admit that it wasn't done maliciously. Dwalin still should be punished though, in my opinion. He should lose something... SOMEONE irreplaceable... But... Even as cynical and deadened as I am... I know that desire is wrong but still I am angry. Licking my lips I look him straight in the face and give my answer.
"I know what it is. I know what it will be, that thing that will break you."
"Aye? And will ye give me yer aid?"
"I don't think I can..."
"..."
"I... I want you to hurt. I want you to grieve like I am, to ache like I do. I want you to suffer for the rest of your wretched life and when you're finished suffering, I want you to die."
Rubbing my arms as the hate filled words roll off my tongue, I accept the truthfulness behind them. I wallowed in my unhappiness for so long that I could easily give it to another... Just let everything play out as it's supposed to. I could gain a sense of satisfaction in knowing that he too will be filled with sorrow and anguish as he fails time and time again. I'm not a good girl anymore... and misery loves company.
"I understand."
Nodding with a heavy exhale of acceptance, Dwalin stands to his feet and begins walking away. Each of his steps is a nail in a coffin. There won't be any turning back. There won't be any second chances. He'll never forgive me if I let him go... If I knowingly let them die but I could do it. I could close my eyes, letting each and every one of them to die. To me they are just characters in a children's Fairy Tail.
I wouldn't be responsible for their deaths so it wouldn't bother me more than little bit to let them follow their written destiny. It's cold hearted and will probably get me a first class ticket to hell but I could do it. Dwalin will go and suffer and die... And so will I. Grinding my teeth together, I sigh through my nose loudly. Damn it, damn it, damn it but I've been in this coffin I call life long enough. I don't want to die here.
"Wait... Dwalin... Just... Wait."
"Ye have made yer thoughts explicitly clear, Farseer Bloodstone."
"And they haven't changed. I do want you to suffer until you're grey and old and Toothless. Still...I don't want... I... it's not about you... I'm..."
"Too selfish to let yerself live in misery alongside me if ye can help it?"
"... I was going to say 'really into self preservation' but I guess selfish works too. And so what? I'm , you can call it selfish, but... I'm tired of suffering, alright? So... If helping you not suffer at all, will help end my eternal hell... Then I'm willing to try. And I do mean only try. No promises that I'll succeed."
"... Thank Mahal kindly for the selfishness of men."
"Don't thank him yet. My issues run deep and I'm pretty sure he isn't responsible for creating men." Blinking in thought, I frown after a moment "Though I suppose it is his fault that the only cure to my dismal story is you."
"Well then, I had desired to hear a reading from ye but much has been discussed." Returning to my side and extending his hand to help me up, the dwarf frowns in return with a small... tiny... almost non-existent smile "We had better start yer story fresh in the morning, Farseer Bloodstone."
"DON'T call me that."
"Yes, of course... Atina."
"... Dirt bag."
Hi! Another chapter out! I hope I was clear about the difference between a one and only. This story isn't really about romance, at least I don't plan for it to be. It's about broken people... healing. Drop a comment!