Chapter 21

Lying in the comfortable bed provided by the elves, I consider what I know and don't know.

One: I know that I'm in Middle Earth, traveling with the company of Thorin Oakenshield because I was seen as a threat.

I don't know what they will try to do to me now that they don't hold that belief any longer.

Two: I know that I wasn't really given a task but I'm supposed to benefit from the whole ordeal.

I don't know exactly if I'm reading the 'benefit correctly or grasping at straws.

Three: If I am reading this right, then I know a benefit has come in the form of healing by my mortal arch-nemesis, dwalin.

I don't know exactly how to make it work though.

Four: Lastly, I know that said arch-nemesis, and his merry crew, are unaware that I am... Not alone in my body.

Running a hand down my face, I turned over onto my side and punch my pillow. My situation is easy enough to ignore or miss for now but eventually someone is going to wonder, speculate, and then figure it out. Yes, I could tell them straight out but then they would leave me here. While I wanted to get away from them before, I NEED to stay with them now. Insane and brutish they may be, but they wouldn't drag a pregnant woman across Middle Earth if ttery don't need to do so.

I also can't tell them what to expect in the future because that would negate my usefulness. As long as I'm needed, Dwalin has to hold up his end of the bargain. So I lie by omission.

That's what I know.

I just won't tell them what I'm carrying. I'll... Borrow a few wrapping gauze from the infirmary and become a mummy when my belly starts to extend. Pinching the skin by my hip, I know Id guess baggy clothes will suffice until after Beorn's house. By the time anyone figures it out, we'll be long past turning around. The dwarves won't like it but then again, neither do I. We'll suffer together, yippee.

Blinking angrily at the wall, I try to convince myself to fall asleep but my mind is full of questions and worries. Saving Thorin is easy. He's a moron with suicidal tendencies but keeping him alive isn't difficult when you know what's going to happen. Fili and Kili are a little more difficult, considering they aren't together when they die, but they're not impossible either.

... I don't plan to stick around to save Ori and Balin... Thats years off and has nothing to do with me... People die all the time. That's life... What do I care anyway? Do they even count? I'm no guardian angel; How much of Dwalin's life do I have to fix before I'm in the clear? Does avoiding his trauma equate to Healing him? What if I do all of this and end up screwing myself? And how did he even recognize me as a stupid only if he wasn't in need of one just yet?

Growling in frustration, I throw off the blankets and storm towards the door to demand answers before remembering that it's the middle of the night and I don't know who I'd ask anyway. Lightly banging my head against the wooden door, I softly moan at my frazzled thoughts. Sliding down onto my knees, I turn to press my back against the structure.

"What's the plan Atina?"

I've no idea. I really don't. I was so excited about the whole healing thing that I just didn't really have a plan of action before agreeing to try. Maybe if I had a few rules to work with... Guidelines other than 'remember your sister'. I can't rightly forget her! What would Anita do right now? The question is a needless one I already know.

"If Anita were here, she'd save the entire world."

Dropping my head onto my knees, I roughly tussle my hair, and howl loudly like the maniac I am. I'm not my sister. I can't do what she would do. I don't even want what she would want. Still... I'd really appreciate her opinion right about now.

So biting my lip, I decide to do something that brings me as much embarrassment as comfort. Lifting myself to my feet, I walk over to the old looking glass hanging on the wall. It's porcelain with tiny flowers have been carved into the delicate medium but they are not what I'm looking at. Staring into my reflection, I pull a cheery smile onto my lips. Softening my eyes but leaving a hint of mischief, I speak with a soft and light voice to my reflective sister.

"Attie!"

"Hey, Annie."

"Oh Attie! Where have you been? I've been super worried about you! How far of a walk did you take Killer on?" Anita would ask about such things, it's her way. Her face scrunches up and worry and relief all at once. It's the face that she would do if she were here. The face that she would make if you were by my side "Are you alright? You don't look all right."

"I... I'm just in a tight situation right now." Yes, I know talking to my reflection is weird but... I need my sister right now and this is as close as I can get. I haven't done such a pathetic thing in years but... "I need your advice, Ann."

"Well alrighty then!" She giggles bubbly, twirling a lock of her hair before quickly tying it back. Annie's hair is shorter than mine now... "I'm here to help, so tell me what you need!"

"... I found- Well, I THINK I found a way too... end the pain."

"Suicide?" I shake my head denying the suggestion. I didn't kill myself then and I won't do so now. Not now that I found... "What have you found, Attie?"

"Healing? Maybe. I just... Well, you see-"

"You want to get better, don't you?"

My reflective sister looks back at me with eyes that question my resolve. That question whether I really want to get better. And I do. I really am tired of being... The way I am. It's not fun. It's not attractive. It's not easy. And I don't want to be this way anymore. So nodding I agree firmly.

"Of course. But it means helping someone who has hurt me. It means making sure they don't ever hurt. It simply isn't fair..."

"So?"

"S-So? What do you mean so?"

"So what if it isn't fair? Life isn't fair, Atina. You know that just as well as I do." Her eyes turn hard and like with determination "Do you want to get better?"

"I-"

"DO YOU WANT TO GET BETTER?" the intensity of the question shocks me. It demands a firm response, something that will force me forward "Attie?!"

"Y-yes."

"Even if it's only a little?"

"Yes! Even a little better is better than what I've got right now."

"Then you have to take this opportunity to get better. Do better. BE better."

"But what if-"

"What if Mama hadn't died? What if Papa had stuck around? What if we hadn't taken Killer with us? What if WE had died?" Closing my eyes, I pretend that it's her hand on my shoulder instead of my own "It's game time, Atina. We can't wonder about in the world of 'what-ifs' anymore. If you want to get better you have to get out there and take your best shot."

"... You're right."

"I usually am." Her smiling face beams out of the mirror and it's good. It's so good. And I miss her all the more for it "Now go to bed. It's late. When you wake up, you'll feel better."

"Do you promise?"

"Promise yourself."

Allowing the facade to drop, I walk to the bed with custo. I'm going to get a good night sleep and in the morning, I'm going to feel a little better. I'm going to be better. I'm going to do better.

"I promise."

No, Anita is not actually there. If you're confused, Atina is talking to her reflection and pretending that it is her twin sister. She needed a pep talk and she didn't really think she could give it to herself. Or rather, she needed to hear it from her sister. She misses her sister, needs advice, and a different perspective on the problem. Anita would of course see things differently than Atina would. Pretending to be her sister gives our OC the ability to say the hard things she cannot say or admit to herself. Hope it makes sense!