WARNING: Graphic depictions of violence. Mentions of Rape. Child death. This is not for the faint of heart. Proceed at your own risk

CHAPTER 36

My insides feel like a bowl of loose noodles, sloshing this way and that. I empty my stomach over and over but it doesn't help. I feel like I'm on fire and yet ice cold all at once. And the pressure... it starts at my core but radiates until even my toes hurt. There is too much light and not enough. Too bright. Too dark. Too loud. Too... quiet. Another pulse wracks through my broken body and I think I do cry out this time. If I do, it's a soft whisper as I barely have the strength to twitch alongside the contraction.

'Ah... Contraction. I get it.'

With that word alone, I feel the darkness lick at my mind because I know exactly whats happening. What ALWAYS happened. I experienced this the first time he 'gave' me his child. He didn't like the way my body started to change before the first trimester even ended. He stomped on my belly until I bled and he was sure that it was... gone. I was more careful the second time but he discovered my secret around month four and... Well... The third time... Annie and I were both... It was... I remember how she cried so hard while sitting in our shared puddle of what was left... I don't remember much else about the third time but he... he let me hold number four.

I didn't know what to do when he handed the bundle to me. I was exhausted and weak. We were 19 by now but it'd been about 18 months since he abducted us. I couldn't be sure, he was cautious about time. I still felt like a kid and here I was with a newborn in my arms. I was terrified. Of myself. Of the Child. Of Lawrence. I knew him well by now, but I had no idea what was expected of me in that moment. He laughed and giggled maniacally at the foot of the bed, shouting about how we were a happy family now. About how I'd never leave him because I could never leave my baby. If he had phrased it as 'our', I think I would have tossed the thing away from me immediately but... he called it mine. Mine. My baby. It had come early and was so small and unassuming but those lungs! The vocals on that child were impressive signally good health. My baby quieted when I held it close. It was mine after all. Mine to have and protect. In that moment I welcomed the infant into my heart because who else would if not me? I couldn't help but softly smile down at the little bundle life and that alone was enough to seal number four's fate.

Just as now, my strength was gone. My labor had lasted much longer than it should have. I'd lost alot of blood and could barely keep my eyes open. My body ached and my limbs were numb. Even if I'd been a little stronger, there was no warning as Lawrence snatched the child from my arms. I could see it on his face, rage, and I couldn't understand why. I did what he wanted me to since the moment I felt the first butterflies. I'd taken what he'd given me. I couldn't understand why I was being punished. I cried then... Annie yanked at the chain on her good leg, screaming until her throat was raw. We begged for him not to hurt it. To give it back. To leave well enough alone. That seemed to make it all the worse.

'You shall love nothing more than me.'

I remember that first strike vividly. The world moved in slow motion as he raised that tiny bundle over his head and brought it against the bedpost with such force that the whole room shook. The crying that had risen just... stopped... but Lawrence didn't. I don't remember how many times he slammed the bundle... the baby... my baby against the cold iron post. I don't remember when Annie stopped screaming in horror. I don't remember if I ever did utter a sound. I do remember the moment Lawrence, breathing heavily from exertion, dropped the bloody blanket containing the pulverized mush of my baby into my arms. It was quiet then. Too quiet. And as he spoke, it was far too loud.

'Do not make me do that with the next one, little flame.'

He wanted... more? Yes. He wanted MORE. I never understood why. It didn't make any sense. All I knew was that this cycle would continue on and on and on... until I ended it. I knew he would make me have number five whether I wanted it or not. He found that he enjoyed the changes my body experienced; the same changes he initially hated. I knew my captor well and he invaded my body almost daily and if the last experiences were any indication, I'd be in the same predicament the moment my body healed. Yes, number 5 would come. It was only a matter of time. 6 weeks later, he ordered me to his bed again with ill-contained excitement.

I knew he took Annie in my place each time he gave me the 6 weeks to heal. He made sure I knew. It always renewed my fury and he relished in it. Lawrence expected a fight, after each death and rape of my sister I always fought HARD when he forced me to his bed. This time though... I gave nothing. He hated it and made sure that I knew... that I felt his resentment. Yet and still, I gave nothing. I waited for an opportunity to harm him, ANY opportunity, and when it came... I did nothing. The same thing for the next opportunity and the next. When he asked if he'd finally broken his 'little flame' I gave no response. For weeks he tried to bring me back. He hurt Annie and Killer the most during this time. Annie was given and lost her second but... I no longer reacted.

Until I did.

After an extremely angry session, Lawrence had sat on the edge of the bed as he had begun to do lately. Before, he would stand and taunt me but that no longer garnered a response from me. Cigarette in hand, he stared at the wall, grousing about how my flame had gone out while I stared at the ceiling. He no longer chained my hands to the brick wall above my head. It was crumbling anyway. Falling apart. He closed his eyes to take a deep drag and... It was such a simple thing. I reached up and plucked a brick from the wall and slammed it into his head. In the broken mirror against the wall, I could see his eyes snap open and he smiled wide. I didn't stop and neither did he. Over and over I brought the brick down until his skull lay broken in pieces on the bed, just like my baby. But he wasn't dead. Beyond saving but not dead. The cigarette burned gently on the blankets and if I aided the flames along, who could blame me? I watched him burn and felt... everything. The torment, the fear, the pain... the sadness. All of it came crashing down and I screamed. I stood there screaming until his smile burned away into charred gnashed teeth. I barely had enough time to free Annie and Killer out before the flames ate them too.

Things were a blur again after that. Hospitals. Police. Gramps. I remember it in parts. I do know that I must have been too early for detection when they tested me for pregnancy. The hospital gave us protective measures and cleared us of that fear but I knew that I carried number five. And still, I said... nothing. I can't explain it... not really. He had taken so much from us... so much and... I wanted the chance to make a choice. I didn't want the child, no, not at all but... I didn't want him to TAKE it from me. For it to die just because of him. And they would have taken it. The doctors and gramps. They'd have deemed me out of mind, and I am, and would have torn my insides out AGAIN. Just like always and I just couldn't let that happen. At the same time I couldn't- I CAN'T accept that I'm here again. On my back screaming in pain because of HIM.

Another contraction slams through my body, quaking my muddled mind and I want so badly for it all to stop. I can't... I can't do this again! Love them or hate them, they ALWAYS hurt when they leave me. My cancerous parasites. My unnamed offspring. My babies. Each created to tie me closer to my captor. For 2 years... for 2 years I watched him destroy each life he forced me to create. Why- HOW could this one be any different? The pain eases... or fades... just like it always does but I'll not be fooled. Before it can return, I force myself to drift away from it all. If I had the strength, I'd swipe the lone tear as my senses leave my mind blank and my soul empty