CHAPTER 13 - TRENCHES
"Afflatus!" Someone shook her awake. "Afflatus! Wake up!"
Afflatus couldn't bring herself to open her eyes.
"Holy fuck, is she dead?" The same voice asked.
Someone felt her neck, looking for a pulse. She flinched at the contact, ever so slightly.
"No. She's alive." A calmer voice said.
Afflatus heard a sigh. Then, footsteps retreating to the kitchen. Then, the sound of the tap. Footsteps again.
Ice cold water splashed over Afflatus; shooting pangs of panic erupted and she gasped for air. She sat up too quickly, and leaned over and vomited.
When she raised her eyes, the eldest and youngest D1 victors stared back: Red Pearl- victor of the 1st Hunger Games, and Plush Armani- victor of the 45th. They'd both won their Games at sixteen years of age, Red was 65 years old now, Plush 21.
"Afflatus. What do you need?" Red asked, uncharacteristically kind.
She hated the flip-flopping attention, though, the D1 victors' fleeting kindness made her distrustful. They could- and did- rescind it at any moment. Afflatus didn't trust the people in front of her, and didn't want to be in their company. She yearned for her former best friend, Muse, but knew she didn't care, and wouldn't come.
"Get Bliss." Afflatus choked through acid-tempered vocal chords.
Red looked at Plush, and nodded. The younger victor left to get her friend.
"Afflatus." Red began. She didn't look at him.
"Afflatus." He said again, as he lowered himself to the ground beside her, groaning as his joints popped. "I know you don't want to talk to me. But I'm gonna wait with you until Bliss gets here." Red finished, gently.
Afflatus nodded.
"And tomorrow, when it's time to go to the hospital, I'm going to go with you." Red declared.
"Why the fuck would you do that?" Afflatus asked. When Plush had won, nobody helped her afterwards, leaving her to flounder with her new victor, by herself.
"I know I haven't been there for you. I'm sorry." Red said.
The words didn't make sense. She didn't want to hear them, to acknowledge them. The wound of the D1 victor's abandonment had hurt too much, her head hurt too much.
"It's too late." Afflatus said, hardened after spending the past nine years alone.
Red was silent after that, but true to his word, he stayed until Plush returned with Bliss.
Bliss sat with Afflatus, while Plush put her room back together.
After Plush finished, the girls retreated to Afflatus' bedroom, and Afflatus let Bliss hold her.
…
Bliss had never seen such an absence of life in someone's face, before. Afflatus looked utterly empty, sitting on the kitchen floor. The apartment looked like a hurricane tore through it, no loose objects left untouched. Kitchen tools stuck out of the walls, and the floor was almost unrecognizable under all the different debris.
The sight shocked Bliss, she she retained her composure.
Plush cleaned up Afflatus' room for her. When he was done, Bliss ushered her friend under the sheets. Afflatus dry-swallowed painkillers.
She stared at the wall, not speaking. When Bliss tried to leave and get her water, the other girl latched onto her. So, Bliss didn't leave. Afflatus rubbed her arms, a nervous gesture she didn't seem quite aware of.
It worried Bliss. The last time she'd seen the girl's skin, it was positively ragged, slashes marring her arms and stomach. The wounds were deep, and some had been infected. Bliss felt the urge to examine the wounds, to make sure they weren't getting out of control.
"Affy, can I look at your arms." Bliss asked, breaking her period of silence, concern for her friend outweighing everything else.
Afflatus nodded.
Bliss unzipped Affy's hoodie, and took it off the girl's shoulders.
Shockingly, the fabric revealed perfect skin. It was like Affy had never taken a blade to herself.
The sight was somehow more unnerving than the gore that had been there before.
Bliss ached to know what happened, but it wasn't the time to ask.
Afflatus fell in and out of sleep, stone-faced. Plush brought them water and food throughout the day, and kept the other D1 victors away. Bliss was thankful, she didn't have much fight left.
By the time the evening fell, Afflatus requested sleeping pills. Bliss retrieved them, and watched as the other girl swallowed them down.
As Afflatus grew weary, Bliss disengaged herself.
"I'm gonna go take a shower and get some food." Bliss said. "Are you okay if I leave for a while?"
"It's alright, you can go." Afflatus croaked, sadly.
"I'll come back." Bliss tried to assure her.
Afflatus turned to her, fixing her attention on Bliss for the first time that day. "Sorry. Didn't mean to sound so pathetic. I meant that you can go, I'll be alright. Go get some rest."
"Are you sure?" Bliss asked, anxious about leaving her while she wasn't herself.
"Yes. I have to go to the hospital tomorrow morning to monitor Lustre's recovery, anyways." Her voice was devoid of emotion.
"Okay. Do you want me to come to the hospital?" Bliss offered.
Afflatus sighed, heavily. "The D1 victors don't let anyone else inside, it's not up to me."
That tracked, Bliss thought, the D1 victors were extremely insular, save Afflatus. "Don't worry about it. Call me anytime, yeah?" Bliss said.
"Do you mean that?" Afflatus asked.
"I do." Bliss said, compassionately.
A small smile spread over the girl's formerly expressionless face. "Thank you."
Bliss hugged her friend, then departed.
…
Emptiness spread through Bliss as she made herself a cup of tea, back in the district seven apartment. In all the years she'd known Afflatus, she's never seen the girl so much as crack. This year was different, though, for so many reasons.
There was so much she hadn't shared, not the Bliss blamed her, but Bliss feared she had no one to turn to. That was different now, though. Afflatus was important to Bliss, she wouldn't let the girl down. Especially after so many had let her down already.
It had been disconcerting to see the consequences of the sheer force of Afflatus' emotions, but be greeted with the stone silence. Bliss popped her neck, and tried to shake the powerless feelings away.
She ate, then sat down to watch a tv program, too uneasy to attempt sleep.
The program played through a few episodes before the door to the apartment opened. Bliss was startled, and thought Harlem was already in bed for the night.
Instead he walked in, assisted by the D7 apartment avox- who Bliss also hadn't noticed was absent. She'd been lost in her thoughts, clearly.
Harlem kicked off his shoes, pushed a hand through his disheveled hair, and beelined it for the kitchen. He looked like he was going to be sick. The avox discretely resumed their post, eyes trained on the floor.
Bliss heard retching, turned off the tv, and went to find Harlem.
He curled over the sink, bile spilling from his mouth. He noticed her presence and nearly jumped out of his skin.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." Bliss said, peering at him, vigilant.
Harlem shook his head, then threw up again. His diaphragm spasmed, and he was stuck retching, though nothing else was in his stomach. His face turned red with the pressure and he coughed and sputtered as he tried to breathe.
He wrapped his arms around his torso and shrunk, grunting in pain.
Bliss touched his back, trying to comfort him. He jumped again. Anxiety flashed through her, she was making this worse, being intrusive. His diaphragm finally stopped clenching, and he was able to breathe.
Harlem gasped, then drank in lungfuls of air. He collapsed to the ground, leaning against the counters. Bliss had never seen Harlem distressed, and she felt distressed not knowing how to comfort him. Tears streamed from his eyes, from exertion and pain.
"Do you want me to leave." She asked him quietly.
After a beat, he shook his head, but didn't look at her. Bliss sat down beside him. She felt inadequate.
"Do you want me to get Violet?" She asked.
Harlem shook his head, and his breath caught. He pulled his legs tighter to his chest, closing himself off. The response worried Bliss.
"Did he hurt you?" Bliss asked pointedly.
"No." Harlem's voice was broken. "I just don't… want him to see me like this."
Bliss' heart fell. "It's okay to let people be there for you, Harlem."
Harlem's eyes were on the floor. He shrugged. It wasn't the time to press him. Seeing Afflatus and Harlem losing it back to back was giving Bliss didn't now what to do, so she just sat with him. He clutched his knees to his chest, shivering, crying.
She stayed with him, for hours, on the kitchen floor.
Eventually, she put on the kettle again. Harlem accepted a mug of tea.
"Harlem?" Bliss said, after sitting back down on the floor. He looked towards her. "You're going to feel worse if you don't talk." She spoke evenly.
"It.. umm… It hasn't happened in a while." Harlem said, voice strained. "I haven't been given an assignment in a while." He shifted, uncomfortably, and wrapped his arms around his torso again. He winced, in pain.
Bliss didn't know what he meant by 'assignment.'
"Harlem, what's with your stomach? Are you hurt?" She asked.
Harlem's eyes fell to the ground again as he nodded.
Bliss crept over to him, and he let her lift up his shirt. Bruises and abrasions covered his abdomen, along with what looked like cigarette burns. She looked at him, horrified, indignant. He held her eyes, drinking in the reaction; a reaction other than cruelty.
"This is so fucked up." Bliss said. Harlem agreed. "I'll be right back." She left to get medical supplies. She felt like she was in the Games again, patching up her allies, between her work on Affy and Harlem.
As Bliss exited the kitchen, the avox was standing there, waiting with outstretched hands, holding everything she needed. Bliss looked at them directly and thanked them. The avox looked at her with despair, and nodded. Bliss said they could retire for the evening. The avox nodded.
Bliss gave Harlem painkillers, cleaned the burns and abrasions, then dressed the wounds.
"Bliss?" Harlem said.
"Yeah?" She looked up.
"Do you think you could get Violet for me?" Harlem asked, tears in his eyes.
"Of course." Bliss said.
She stepped out of the kitchen to make the call. Violet answered, groggy, but came down from the D11 apartment immediately upon hearing Harlem was struggling.
Bliss solemnly greeted Violet at the door, then led him to the kitchen. The avox was nowhere in sight, giving them privacy.
Harlem hadn't moved.
"Harlem…" Violet sighed, desolate at the sight of him suffering. Harlem averted his eyes.
"Thanks for calling me, Bliss." Violet said to her. "I can take it from here."
She was glad to be released from responsibility after the chaotic day, but worried for her former mentor. When Violet saw her hesitate to leave, he assured her they'd be okay. Bliss nodded, told Harlem she'd be in her bedroom, and left.
The avox waited by her bedroom, motioning to ask if she needed anything, a familiar gesture. Bliss said she was okay, thanked them, and dismissed the avox. She appreciated the attentive care, but felt horrible the avoxes had to deal with the victors' emotional fallout. It must be gut-wrenching to watch, over and over.
Bliss tried to block out the sounds of Harlem's wretched sobs.
…
The next morning, Bliss woke to the smell of a luxurious breakfast cooking. She could smell bacon, sausages, eggs, sweet porridge, and juices, all wafting into her room.
The food called to her, it had been too long since she'd eaten a proper meal. She hauled her ass out of bed, and went to the kitchen.
Violet and Harlem had cooked together. They smiled when they saw her. Harlem looked tired, and there was still a distance in his eyes, but he looked remarkably better than when Bliss left him the previous night. Harlem held Violet's hand, under the table.
The men were finished their meals, but there was plenty of food left for Bliss.
"Morning, Bliss." Harlem greeted her. "I can put a plate together for you, if you want?" He offered, nervous and over-generous.
"It's alright, I'll put it together and come sit." Bliss said. "Morning, Violet." She greeted the other man.
"Hey, Bliss." Violet said, offering her another smile.
As Bliss put her food together, Violet turned to Harlem. "I've gotta run, I have to teach that seminar today. It starts in an hour."
"Alright. See you later?" Harlem asked, hopefully.
"Absolutely. I'll find you." Violet said. He hugged Harlem, said goodbye to Bliss, then retreated out of the apartment.
Bliss sat down at the table, excited to eat. She dug in immediately.
"I wanted to say thank you." Harlem said, picking at his cuticles. "I know last night couldn't have been pleasant for you."
Bliss stopped eating. "I'd rather be there for you, than ignore the fact you've been in pain." She said, meaningfully.
"Thank you." Harlem said, again, clearing his throat. He was so uncomfortable accepting support, it hurt Bliss' heart.
"Did you tell Violet what happened?" Bliss asked cautiously.
Harlem shook his head. "He knows about the assignments, but not what happened last night."
Bliss nodded, and started eating again. "How are your wounds?" She asked.
"Violet re-dressed them for me this morning." Harlem said, sort of non-answering. He didn't feel comfortable speaking about his pain.
Bliss nodded again. "What happened last night?" She ventured.
He didn't have to tell her, if he really didn't want to. But sometimes people needed help to tell their story, encouragement that it was okay to share.
"I was on an assignment, per instructions from the Capitol." Harlem cleared his throat, and began more enthusiastically picking at his cuticles. "I was meant to have sex with a woman while her husband watched… and pleasured himself." Harlem breathed, shaky.
Bliss hid her shock, almost unable to process that the Capitol sexually trafficked their victors.
"I wasn't performing well enough for them, apparently, so after we had sex… well you saw what they did to me." Harlem finished, quietly.
Bliss didn't know what to say, but kept her expression sympathetic. The horrors just kept compounding.
Tears streaked down Harlem's face, and he wiped them away, angrily.
"Can I give you hug?" Bliss thought of all the times he allowed her to cry on his shoulder.
Harlem nodded.
Bliss came over to him, and wrapped her arms around his chest, burying her cheek in his curly brown hair.
Harlem started to cry in earnest, chest heaving, and held her arms tighter. She hugged him until he calmed down.
Then, Bliss sat down and finished her meal.
"I thought you were hiding your relationship with Violet from me… If I'd known you been going through this, I would have tried to help." Bliss said, after Harlem recovered his composure.
"I appreciate that… there's nothing you can do, though, really… But I appreciate you, Bliss." Harlem said, kindly. "And Violet and I aren't in a relationship, so there's nothing to hide." Harlem waved the comment away, like it was unimportant.
It seemed important to Bliss, though. "What do you mean? You sleep in the same bed, you eat together, you play cards practically every day, you confide in each other… sounds like you're in a relationship, to me."
Harlem shrugged. "I love spending time with him… but…" Harlem trailed off, shrugging again.
"But what?" Bliss prompted.
"He'd never want to be with me." Harlem said, sadly.
"Harlem, come on, why? He clearly likes you." Bliss asked, exasperated at his self-deprecation.
"I can't give him… everything. He deserves to be with someone who can." Harlem said, averting his eyes.
"Be blunt. I'm not understanding." Bliss said.
Harlem turned red. "We don't have sex… I don't want to have sex with him." He deeply inhaled. "I love him… but I don't want to have sex with anyone."
Bliss pondered. "Have you spoken with him about it?"
"No… I- I don't want to ruin our friendship. He means a lot to me." Harlem answered.
"Existing in limbo is better?" Bliss asked.
"I supposed not…" Harlem acquiesced. "I'll think about it."
"You deserve to be happy." Bliss said.
Harlem met her eyes, and gave her a smile. "You do, too, Bliss."
She thought, perhaps, there may have been a specific implication to his words, but she didn't examine it too closely.