VI

The Lord of the Underworld was almost exactly what Pax expected he would be: moody, dark, and evil-looking with a strong affinity for the color black. Or maybe it was the color "trapped soul." Whatever it was, Hades liked it outlined in gold, probably to look more intimidating. He wore black robes and had a helm under one arm.

There was one major problem. He didn't have blue fire for hair. Disney taught Pax that Hades was supposed to have blue fire hair and a great sense of humor. Disney had lied to him. This just looked like a rich, pasty white guy.

His black and gold chariot was spooky, but Pax had seen cooler ones. The one they were designing for Kronos was way better.

Axel was crazy enough to have his sword still drawn. In the presence of the Lord of the Underworld, with Hades' squadron of geriatric dominatrixes, and some Halloween standees behind them, Pax's brother set his jaw and kept hislips in a firm line. When asked later, Pax would say Axel didn't shake once (and they would get a chance to be asked later; they were both surviving this, damn it.) Truth was, Pax's presence seemed to weaken Axel's resolve. Pax guessed it was real easy to get yourself killed when it was just you that would be doing the dying part.

Pax's mind raced. One thing was certain: they weren't fighting their way out of this.

Axel grunted when Pax pushed his sword hand down.

"Get out of here," Axel hissed in Mayan.

Pax didn't know how to explain to Axel that the invisibility spell over Pax was sparking and would attract a lot of attention if he tried to pick up Axel and flee. Pax didn't get a chance.

Hades' voice boomed and reverberated around the cavern more than Jack's had. "You will not escape me this time, Perc—"

As his chariot ground to a halt, his dark eyes narrowed at Axel's tiny form, then flicked back up to the furies. "This isn't Percy Jackson."

The furies had been fluttering in an intimidating circle above, like the most obnoxious of gnats. One landed beside Hades' chariot, looking nervous. "We thought it was Luke Castellan, My Lord. Your rage and obsession over Jackson must have—"

Hades roared. He lashed out towards the Fury.

She took to the sky again, shrieking.

"Does this look like the host of Kronos?!" Hades bellowed, Pax thought, rather offensively. Axel could totally host Kronos if he wanted. "I'm not sure if I would rather strike Jackson or Castellan dead first." His dark gaze returned back to Axel. "You'll have to suffice."

Pax wished the invisibility spell came with a sink-into-the-ground function. He trembled at the power radiating off this god, and knew, in that horrifying moment, that Axel was about to challenge Hades to a duel.

Pax's mouth opened. He wasn't sure what words would come out, but they would definitely be better than Axel's, You wanna throw down?

"We're lost," Pax said.

Hades looked confused, clearly noting that Axel hadn't opened his mouth.

Axel tensed.

No option for running now. Pax continued, feeling a few sparks above his head flutter down to singe he shoulder. He hoped that wasn't burning holes in the invisibility spell. He might need it in a moment. "Yes, we're lost," Pax repeated. "We're looking…" He grasped for anything that might baffle the Lord of the Dead. At those words, it popped into his head. "We're looking… for Xibalba?" The comment came out a question.

Axel cleared his throat. "Yes," he confirmed, glancing in Pax's general direction without landing exactly on Pax. "We're looking for Xibalba." Robotically, Axel sheathed his sword.

Hades looked incredibly annoyed. "You are Mayan," he said, examining Axel's tufted ears with begrudging realization. "You're not Greek at all."

"Nope," Axel confirmed. "My faith is in the Mayan gods and the Catholic Trinity."

None of that was false. They had always practiced within the Mayan and Catholic faith. They knew Greek and Roman gods and hung out with them. Pax hardly called that faith or worship, no matter how often Morpheus liked to tease them as his little devotees when they slept-in with a rare, sweet dream. Axel scorned when anyone suggested he refer to the Titans as all powerful.

Hades pinched the ridge of his nose. "Who let you down here?"

"Um…" Axel said. He, Luke, and Jack must have slipped into the Underworld through a back entrance and didn't know who to pin the blame on.

Pax had an immediate answer. "Charon," he said.

"CHARON!" Hades bellowed.

Even Axel flinched as the cavern trembled with a minor earth quake. A stalactite fell and crashed into lines of the dead in the distance. They passed through, unharmed.

"First he has the audacity to ask for a pay raise, and now he's letting heathens into my domain!" Hades yelled, "His impertinence knows no end! First his suits! And now his life coach that's telling him how hard it is to find someone with his skill set!"

Although Axel probably couldn't see Pax, the brothers knew to looks towards each other as though to exchange a glance.

"Is his skill set hard to find?" Axel asked.

"Yes!" Hades bellowed, "It's nearly impossible to find a well-suited grim reaper." Pax wanted to raise a hand to ask if Hades' "well-suited" meant Charon's outfit or skill set, but Hades cut him off. "But, you can't let him know that. It goes straight to his head and now he thinks he's irreplaceable. He forgets that one-in-a-billion is different than irreplaceable. How many people do you think die in a day!?"

Pax coughed into the back of his hand to keep himself from laughing. Was this guy for real? Most of his prior fear was evaporating. "Us heathens?" he reminded Hades.

"Yes, it has been an awfully long time since Charon flubbed and let savage barbarians into my domain—"

"Let's stick with heathens," Axel growled.

Pax had to agree. He remembered Alabaster once telling him something about how barbarian meant someone who wasn't Hellenistic to the Greeks, but avoiding the adjective "savage," was that too much to ask for?

"And now we have a leak in our ICEE unit. They should have caught you at the entrance," Hades continued like Axel hadn't spoken.

Had Pax heard that right? "ICEE? For real? As in—"

"Inhumation Correction to Exact Exequies," Hades growled. "This is what you get when you let liberal arts majors name things. Regardless, they're for the dead who were improperly processed after death. They'll be able to sort a ghost and a…. are you some kind of spirit guide?"

The question didn't sound sarcastic, just irritated. Pax's mind raced, trying to think—

Pax decided to go with lying, a rarity with his normal half-truths. He forgot no one could see him while he shrugged. "He's the weird one. All Mayan dead look like me."

"Uh-hu…" a Fury somewhere above said doubtfully.

Pax stuck a tongue out at her and had the delightful realization that he could moon the Lord of the Dead right here, right now, in his own domain, and no one would know to stop him and there would assuredly be no repercussions.

That would also mean mooning the creepy dominatrixes in the sky. He decided he would pass up the opportunity to avoid that.

"We're sorry to cause you such strife, Lord Death," Axel said, holding up his hands in a mock-honoring gesture. "We can show ourselves out, really."

"Likely," Hades said. "Last time we had an ICEE mix up, there was SUCH ruckus and chaos. That einherji was terrible for our image!"

Axel frowned, his hands clenching into fists. "You know, not all misplaced souls are like that."

"Yes, you try telling that the to Elysian Field occupants that had their houses torched and raided. All it takes is one and it devalues all the properties for miles!" Hades said.

Pax got the bad feeling that Axel was about to attack Hades regardless of their ruse. While warranted, Axel might really be a misplaced Mayan soul stuck in the Underworld's immigration unit if he did.

Before Pax could say something to ease the mood, Hades leaned forward in his chariot. His hand curled around his black helm. His dark eyes bore down onto Axel.

Had Axel been a lesser man, he'd have probably crumbled to his knees with all that godliness trying to make him feel mortal. Pax definitely felt himself trembling. Instead, Axel stared back.

Hades pointed to Axel's arm. "You tried to swim in the River Styx." This time, when the Lord of the Underworld spoke, his oily voice was also filled with ice.

Axel lowered his arms completely. His burn marks had been on full display from where he'd withdrawn Luke from the dark waters and held his acidic friend.

Considering that probably wasn't a popular tourist destination for a leisure dip, Pax could see where marks from it would be suspicious.

"Is that what your river is called?" Pax asked, trying to edge his voice with some mockery. "Our black river is the scorpion river. Dipping in it is part of our death ritual. You should check the pH balance of your scorpions. I think they're off." That most certainly was not part of their death ritual. Pax planned to stay as far away from the Black River as he could when we went to….

An existential panic threatened to break Pax's concentration on the present. Would he end up in the Mayan afterlife or the Greek one? Or even the Catholic one? Others in Camp Othrys said it was based off belief, but what if you believed in all three? And what if Axel didn't end up in the same one? Would paradise even be worth it if you couldn't hang out with your bro?

The expression on Hades' face brought Pax's attention back. Those harsh lines hadn't softened at Pax's flubbed explanation. Hades was in the process of deciding he didn't believe them and, probably, wondering which part of his robes he'd put the Pax brother's souls into. Guy had some weird fetishes if he kept people's souls in his robes and ladies with whips as his escorts. No wonder Persephone only stayed down here a few months out of the year.

They needed a distraction and they need one fast, something that would shock or offend Hades so much that he'd forget to toss them into his evil sock drawer and something that would startle Axel away from where his hand was creeping towards his sword hilt.

"Your helmet looks stupid," Pax blurted.

That… that was not what they needed. But, Pax would make it work.

Before Hades eyes could bulge out of his head, his "WHAT" could shake apart the Underworld, or Axel could choke on his laughter, Pax continued, "I'm looking out for your best interests. It looks like your helm would look stupid on, and I wouldn't want you looking stupid to other invisible spirits like myself. You see, us invisibles look visible to other invisibles. Haven't you noticed that when you have your helm on?"

It was a huge gamble. Alabaster would have been able to tell Pax if that was stupid or not, according to mythology. At the moment, all Pax could remember was that it was a helm of invisibility. He couldn't remember what other figures possessed this power.

Hades' brow had furrowed in rage, his mouth agape like a rabid animal. In the briefest moment, Pax saw a glimmer of insecurity in those pits of eternal pain that Hades had for eyes.

Either Pax had already sentenced him and his brother to death or Hades needed the tiniest bit more coaxing before he cracked.

"I mean, I'm a Mayan. I'll talk to you straight. How many Greeks would dare give you an honest opinion on this?" Pax said, so fast that he hoped others could keep the syllables separated. "Try asking one of your humble servants."

The ghoul army behind him shuffled in nervous motion. The Furies seemed to fly higher.

"I trust my servants to be honest with me," Hades snarled. He scowled up towards the Fury that had spotted their party; she hadn't flown up fast enough. "Alekto."

She seemed alarmed. "Yes, Master?" she said uncertainly.

"Does my helm look stupid when I'm wearing it?" Hades asked.

Her wing flapping grew so tentative, Pax thought that she might lose altitude. "Um…. Master, I cannot see it on you when you wear it. You're invisible."

Hades nostrils flared. "Of course you can't," he said, his voice bitter with suspicion.

Pax shrugged in a, what are you going to do?, gesture. Remembering that Hades couldn't see him, he shoved Axel and hoped his older brother got the message.

"Underlings, am I right?" Axel asked. The words sounded unnatural from him. On the laundry list of things that made Axel passionately angry, the misuse of underpaid workers was one of them.

That didn't matter to Hades. He examined his helmet so thoroughly, he probably hadn't even heard Axel. Pax had cracked Hades' confident demeanor with the tiniest hint of insecurity. Alekto's hesitation was all Pax needed to convince the Lord of the Dead that there was a problem.

"Charon did give the design to the Elder Cyclopes during the First Titan War. It has always been a little too tight." Hades lifted his helm and stared into the dark eye sockets. Pax was a little disappointed that the helmet didn't turn Hades' arm invisible when he stuck his hand inside to lift it up. Hades snorted. "Of course I would be the only god that needed measurements for my great weapon. Zeus and Poseidon get a bolt and a trident. Doesn't matter if their henchmen are unreliable. You'd think with all those tailored suits, that Charon could take a proper measurement—"

Pax wanted to point out that Hades should be able to just change the size of his head. He was a GOD. That was the opposite of what Pax wanted Hades to think. Pax feigned a gasp, kicking his brother's boot.

Instead of sharing Pax's gasp, as he had hoped, Axel glared at him. His message was clear: get on with what you're doing before you get us killed.

"Oh, you've never SEEN your helmet on yourself?" Pax said, sounding as aghast and offended as he could manage. "I mean, if you're comfortable with not knowing whether or not you look like an idiot—"

Hades made a threatening growl.

Pax knew he couldn't back down. "—and maybe telling Persephone that her husband lost his fashion sense after the SS uniform went out of style—"

"Those uniforms influenced dark fashion for years," Hades said with pride.

"All villains admire that look. Clearly you know what you're doing," Pax agreed. "Maybe we just need someone to model your helmet for you, that way you can make adjustments to fit what you think is best, not Charon's sloppy notes."

"It would be nice to fix the sizing. And I could add some more skulls to it, if I were to have it fixed," Hades mumbled, tilting the helm on its side.

"You'll need someone who—I mean, no one could do your grand, imperial stance justice, but someone who would come close. You need a chiseled, manly-jawed model. Someone with an authoritarian stance..." Pax hummed like he was thinking. "Oh, the Furies won't do. They're ladies. And you don't want someone who's decomposed. They won't be able to tell you if it would be comfortable with adjustments. What's your head circumference?"

"37 in this form; 25 when I look more like the lesser race," Hades said absently. He gestured towards Axel and Pax, clearly meaning, when I look mortal.

"Twenty-five!" Pax cried. He shoved Axel's shoulder, so Axel stumbled a step forward. "A chiseled-jaw, authoritarian stance and a 25 inch head circumference—"

"No—" Axel hissed at Pax, but Pax knew it was already too late for him to properly protest.

"—that just so happens to fit my brother! What luck!" Pax had no idea if that would fit his brother's head. He didn't know many people who knew their own head circumference, let alone the head circumference of a relative. After they lived through this, he'd have to ask it of Axel. Then he could make him a, I Went to Hades and Only Got This Defective Helm of Darkness cap.

Hades' eyes narrowed. They slid past the helm to the two of them. Pax had managed to usher them closer to Hades' chariot. "Are you suggesting I put my most prized weapon atop your brother's head?"

"I mean, if you have someone else to model it for you quickly, we don't need to bother you." Axel shot Pax a look.

Pax nodded sagely. "I'm sure you have lots of dashing heroes that aren't decomposed and gross or incorporeal to help. I mean. We're just right here. Passing through. And I happen to be someone who can see invisible things. I guess we could call up Hecate—augh. I forgot she betrayed you for the Titans." Pax snapped his fingers like he was disappointed. "And Queen Persephone might not mind too much if you get some zombie brain junk on those beautiful, raven locks."

Hades eyes widened enough that Pax thought the King of the Underworld might shoot lasers at him. Maybe Pax was pushing the line a bit too much.

"How would a Mayan know about Hecate and her betrayal?" Hades demanded.

"The Lords of the Dead gossip a lot," Axel blurted. "You know how Lord Hun-Came gets when he's been drinking and playing ball with Lord Vucub-Came."

"This is why you only have one Lord of the Dead. Bureaucracy just means red tape and more time for courtly banter. [footnote 1] You can run a government so much easier when you're a tyrant," Hades said and sighed, like he'd been petitioned many times for a democratic underworld.

Axel rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath, "Apparently, only when you have competent henchmen."

Pax pinched his brother's arm. They were close; he could feel it, especially since he almost felt bad for Hades. If Hades really thought it was easier to rule down here by himself, Pax wondered how lonely this guy got.

Pax wasn't here to check on the underworld's mental health though. "Why not surround us with a circle of guards. It's not like we're trained acrobats that can jump over people's heads." Axel snorted. Pax pinched his shoulder again. "And, we might as well help you. It's the least we can do before you escort us to your ICEE unit."

Hades considered this for a moment. His entourage shuffled in discomfort. The Furies might hit a stalactite if they flew any higher to avoid his wraith.

"Very well," he said. "Guards!"

The shuffling grew louder as the warriors made a loose circle around him and his brother. Some of the spear tips got a little too close for comfort. They'd have to be careful avoiding those while escaping.

Hades motioned Axel forward.

The taller boy clenched his jaw. Pax was pretty sure the tension therein could shatter an entire frozen lake. While this was the perfect opportunity for Axel to get the sword equivalent of a sucker punch on Hades, Pax wanted to remind Axel that they probably couldn't stab the Lord of the Dead, bid a "good day" to his army, and skip out of here down a black brick road. Pax swallowed, reminding himself that sucker punches were things that he did. His brother had some weird concept about something called honor? Pax normally ignored Axel when he talked about it.

Here came the hard part: getting Axel to kneel to accept the helm.

Axel leveled with Hades' black chariot. Pax could feel the overwhelming power radiating off it and its master. Authority bled off this guy like creepiness from a spider, and Hades wanted Axel to bend to his will without having to be asked.

Axel, an idiot who bowed to no man nor god, cleared his throat. "Lord Hades, I believe you won't be able to reach me from your chariot if I kneel."

The comment was presumptuous and Pax thought Axel had blown all their improvisation quicker than a Star Trek Vulcan would ruin the atmosphere of the Renaissance festival. He waited for Hades' fist to turn into a cartoon hammer and smash Axel into the black sand.

Instead, Hades growled, "Mayans are the first people to even think about that. Would my soldiers have said anything? No. They would have forced me to reach further down to get them." Especially with how tall the god was, an extra four feet would be a lot to stoop.

The Lord of the Underworld lifted his hideous black helm above Axel's tufted ears.

As the helm came down, it compressed Axel's long, twisted hair. Or, Pax thought it did. When it made contact, the helm melted Axel.

Within a microsecond, the essence that was Axel had liquefied into shadow and flooded into the sands. There wasn't even an indent where he'd been standing.

There was one major flaw in Pax's plan. He actually couldn't see his brother. And, in that moment, with Axel-fertilizer in the underworld's black sand, Pax realized Axel and Pax might have been the ones who were just tricked.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed! :D Stay tuned next week to see—well, you can't really see Pax or Axel right now….

Anyway, stay safe and indoors when you can!

Footnote: Ha ha. Courtly. Like a ball court…. I'll show myself out.