A/N: Sorry about missing last week's update! This chapter has given me a lot of headaches y'all. I feel like I finally got it where I wanted it, but please feel free to give me some feedback! Thanks!

Cat woke with a pounding headache and a dry throat, wondering when she had gotten in bed. She sat up slowly, with a groan, before she was able to focus on her surroundings. She was definitely in bed… well on her bed in any case. She was still dressed in her clothes from the previous day, and covered by a cloak. She could tell she was still armed, though a few of her daggers were missing, as were her shoes.

Before she could make sense of any of it, her bedroom door opened, and Anders walked in carrying a tray. She looked up at him, wondering why she couldn't remember coming home with him last night, and deciding he must have taken care of that for her.

"How are you feeling?" he asked with a smile.

"Fuzzy," she replied. "I'm sorry I made you carry me home," she said as she rubbed her eyes.

"It was no problem at all," he replied with a smirk, and she looked at him again, uncertain what he meant by that.

"Feeling up to eating?" he asked. "Or having something to drink?" She winced, and he chuckled softly. "Just juice," he said, and she nodded gratefully, as he handed her a cup.

She sipped slowly, clearing her throat. "I remember talking to everyone, and then… not much else," she said. "I didn't do anything stupid, did I?" she asked, worried.

"No," he replied. "Basically, just fell asleep at the table."

"Oh, okay," she said in relief. Could have been much worse, she thought. She could still remember several of the horror stories her friends back home would tell of when they had had too much to drink, and she tried to avoid overindulging ever since.

She shifted a bit, rolling her shoulders. Then reached back, pulling a small blade from behind her tunic and placing it on the bedside table.

"Sorry," he said, as he saw the dagger. "I thought I got them all."

She smiled, and raised the cup to drink again. "It's fine. I'm surprised you didn't crash with me last night. Was I snoring too loudly?" she asked.

"I… uh, slept in the next bedroom," he said, looking away. "With all the rumors going around, I didn't want to add to them."

She gave him another questioning look. "Who would even know?" she asked.

He gave her a pointed look before replying. "I would, and besides, if I get used to your cuddling, I'll be unable to sleep once I'm back home." He gave a smile, and gestured toward the food. "Eat something will you? I can help with the headache after if you'd like."

"It's not too bad," she replied, grabbing a piece of toast and munching on it, as she slowly got up. "I'll let you know if it won't go away though."

He shook his head as she moved to straighten the bedding. He never could understand her habit of making the bed as soon as she got out of it. He was more the type to jump back in, and how could he if it was made?

She turned to hang up the cloak, and looking closer, turned back to hold it out to him. "Thanks for the blanket, but you could have just put me under the covers," she said with a smile.

He looked at the garment, but didn't reach for it as he grinned back at her. "Well, we tried to, but you wouldn't part with it."

"Huh?" she asked. "We?"

"Yeah, about that…" he drawled, his grin having her suddenly very wary. "Since you fell asleep on Hawke last night, he was actually the one to carry you here."

"Wait, what?" she asked. She rubbed her forehead, trying to bring back any memories of the previous night.

"He put you down, but you were… quite insistent about not letting him go…"

"…" Cat sat abruptly on the edge of the bed, opening her mouth, but nothing came out.

"How did you word it again?" Anders said, teasing as he mocked asking. "Oh yeah… " He spoke again in a high falsetto to imitate Cat, "You can sleep here, with me, but I can't do the sex",he said as he chuckled. "I have to say, Hawke looked extremely tempted to stay to try to prove you wrong, but he finally just whispered something and covered you with his cloak, and you seemed to be okay with that."

"Maker's hairy sack," Cat groaned, causing Anders to snort. "I sincerely wish you were joking right now."

"C'mon Cat, it's no big deal," he replied, sitting next to her and putting his arm around her shoulder. "Everyone says things when they're drunk. I won't mention it, and since Hawke already swore me to silence, I know he won't either."

She stayed where she was, her head hanging and her eyes closed as he gave her a squeeze.

"He seems to genuinely care, Cat."

"That just makes it worse," she said quietly.

He pulled back, holding her shoulders so that he could look at her face. "Why?" he asked. "I'm not an expert on such things, but it's pretty obvious you care too."

"Caring isn't always enough," Cat replied. "I can't tell him Anders. How can I start something knowing I can't give my all?"

He gave her a little shake, causing her to finally look up to look him in the eye. "I don't recall him asking for your all," he said seriously. "Maybe you just try giving what you can, and letting him decide if it's enough."

She looked at him uncertainly, the logic making sense, and yet still unsure if it was wise. "I…" she started. Pausing, then starting again. "I… don't want to get hurt, Anders," she said. "I don't know if I could pick myself up from that again."

He had a look of pity, but Cat could tell he wasn't pitying her, more her situation. "You could, if you had to," he replied. "You're one of the strongest people I know." He nodded emphatically, even as she started to disagree. "If other people were here in your shoes, they would have simply given up, but not you. You found friends, made a place for yourself. And not just once, but several times! Don't try to tell me you're not strong."

"But Hawke's really important to the story-"

"Oh, screw the bloody story!" he interrupted her with venom. "We've already changed it, haven't we?" he asked. "And from what I can see, it's been positive." He shook his head at her uncertain look. "Don't you dare tell me it wasn't." Her eyes widened in surprise at his tone. "Don't ever regret having Olivia in our lives, not for a second."

She held back her tears, though they pooled in her eyes, trying to escape. "I wouldn't…"

"I know," he replied with a sigh, his tone more gentle. "You couldn't have known then, what she would mean to us, could you?" He smiled as she shook her head. "How would it have been, if you had turned her away, or not helped to save her, because it wasn't in the story?"

She hung her head again, ashamed that she could agree with him about Olivia, yet still not about Hawke.

Anders stood, patting her shoulder as he did. "Just think about it, okay Cat? Maybe give Hawke the courtesy to decide for himself, huh?" he said, then left her alone with her thoughts.

Thinking about it, was all Cat could seem to do. Even after she finally got up, got clean, and changed her clothes, she still thought of it. After going downstairs and seeing Anders waiting for her, she thought of his words again. Then, having him suggest they go help Hawke that morning, finally pulled her from her thinking.

"I don't know Anders…" she said as she searched for a viable reason to not see Hawke. "I'm pretty sure I promised to visit the Knight Captain today?"

He gave her a skeptical look, then shrugged. "If that's what you want," he said. "I'm sure no one will believe me when I tell them that you were scared off, but since I'm here to witness it first hand…"

She whirled around to glare at him, noting that he wasn't teasing her now. He simply met her eye to eye, giving her the out, but unwilling to let her reason it away.

"Fine," she said through gritted teeth. "But only because I want to check on Hafter."

"Of course," he replied with a smile, glad that she continued to be stubborn enough to let her pride override her nerves.

Anders took the lead, seeing that Cat was still preoccupied with her weighty thoughts. He followed Hawke back into the house, letting her trail behind him as they spoke.

"Thank you for coming," Hawke said, combing his fingers through his hair as he walked back toward the fireplace. "It seems like a never ending task."

"What are friends for?" Anders replied, glancing back at Cat. "I'd like to take a look at Hafter while I am here as well."

"That would be good," Hawke said with a smile. "I had been giving him regular healings, he just seemed to tire so easily. And the walking has been slow and difficult, but he's too stubborn not to succeed eventually." He paused, stopping the other two where they were. "Just give me a moment, and I'll help him in."

Without waiting for a reply, Hawke left through to the kitchen. Anders turned to Cat, his eyebrow raised in question. She wasn't sure what the question was, but took it as a general, is everything all right?, so she nodded. Looking over at the desk, her mouth fell open slightly.

The desk was in complete disarray, with piles of paper all over it. There was a small space with blanks pages and an ink bottle, so it appeared as though Hawke had been responding to the letters.

The ground was like an extension of the desk. Stacks of paper, along with crumpled up balls littered the floor surrounding the desk. Cat immediately felt bad for thinking that Hawke was overreacting. It seemed that he would be stuck at his desk forever if he didn't receive help.

Walking over, she started on the piles on the floor, skimming the letters near the top of one pile looking for the commonality that had Hawke placing them together. Eventually she gave up trying to figure out his filing system, and came up with one of her own.

She hardly ever read the entire page, and in fact started at the end of each letter, for the beginnings were mostly filled with blather. The ends however, always contained what it was the writer was asking for.

Cat startled as Hafter licked her face, and turning, she dropped the letter she was reading, and immediately threw her arms around his neck, giving him a hug.

"Hey boy, how's my hero doing?" she asked, petting and rubbing his head and behind his ears, and enjoying the sight of his tongue lolling out of his mouth. She could swear he was smiling, but she kept that thought to herself.

"What about me?"

It was then, that Cat noticed Hawke next to Hafter. Her eyebrow rose as she took in the sight of Hawke on all fours next to his dog.

"What are you doing?" she asked with a smile.

"Ah, you missed the show, huh? Seems I'm not the only one to get lost in the paperwork. Perhaps it casts a spell over those who read it."

Cat rolled her eyes, even as Anders gave a chuckle from behind Hawke. "What show?" she asked.

"What do you say boy?" Hawke asked his mabari. "Feel like showing off for the lady?" With a happy bark in reply, both man and dog raised themselves up a little higher and began walking around the room.

Cat couldn't help but be touched. Hafter was a large mabari after all, and having to re-learn to walk with only one leg in front was bound to be difficult. Hawke was the touching part, making Cat smile as her hand came up to cover her heart, as if it could somehow protect it.

He moved around on his hands and knees, supporting the dog's bulky mass through the turns of the room with his body. He continued to speak encouraging words, his own steely determination coming through.

They made it around the room and back in front of Cat in silence, looking up at her as they came to a stop and Hafter sat back on his haunches, looking both proud and weary.

"That was amazing!" she said as she leaned forward again, giving Hafter another rub. "You've worked so hard!"

He barked in reply, giving her face another lick.

"I thought you were looking into a false leg?" Cat asked as she turned to Hawke, even as Hafter and Hawke both made a disgusted sound.

"Warriors show off their wounds proudly," Hawke replied with a grin, as he moved to sit as well. "Pretty soon he'll be running around again." Looking over, Hawke could tell that Cat was thinking of saying something, but not wanting to. Since Anders had basically asked the same thing earlier, he answered her unasked question.

"Yes, we're a little behind on the recovery," he said, causing her to meet his eyes with a sheepish look. "I was too caught up in everything that was happening, the qunari, being champion… and Hafter suffered for it." He reached over to sling his arm around his dog. "It can be difficult for any warrior to lose a limb, especially one so important to their fighting, and I didn't see that until recently." He turned to Hafter, "Sorry buddy," he murmured.

Hafter barked and licked his face, causing Hawke to chuckle. "Yeah, we both needed to get out of our heads, didn't we boy?" Hawke asked as he wiped off his cheek. He looked back over at Cat, seeing Anders had joined them sitting down on the floor.

"I'm so sorry," Cat murmured, and Hafter grumbled out a growl, even as Hawke shook his head.

"There's nothing to apologize for," he said to her. "I'm sure Hafter would tell you that himself," he paused as Hafter barked in agreement. "If we can save someone from a horrible fate, then any injury is worthwhile. What would all our training be for if we couldn't save someone we care about?" He met her eyes again, and while she wished he would smile, she couldn't deny the absolute sincerity in his voice. "You're alive, and losing a limb is a small price to pay. I know any of us would gladly trade a limb to have Olivia back."

Anders nodded along with Cat, though he couldn't help but feel like he was intruding on what should be a private moment. Seeing how Cat was clenching and unclenching her fingers together however, was a signal that she was almost at her limit, and would shortly make a reason to escape. Clearing his throat, he asked, "So Cat, what are these piles you've made?" as he gestured toward the desk.

Cat turned and smiled at him, even as she moved to stand. Hawke beat her to it, standing fluidly, and grabbing her hand to assist her up. Just as Anders was about to join them, Hafter scooted over, and flopped his head in his lap, keeping him where he sat.

Anders smirked, reaching over to scratch his head. "I keep forgetting how smart you are," he muttered, and the dog huffed, having Anders thinking he was being laughed at. "Should be interesting to watch, eh?" he said lowly.

"Well, I basically sorted them into piles based on what they were," Cat explained to Hawke, unaware of Anders and Hafter's conversation nearby. "Obviously, I'm not certain what you would deem as the most important, but what I thought of most import are at the top, and those of least, on the bottom of each stack."

"Brilliant," Hawke replied, slightly upset with himself for not thinking of doing that.

"These are only the letters that I've gotten through. Obviously there are too many to have finished, but the unread ones are on the ground. Here on the desk, this first stack, are requests for the city. Housing needs, requests to get rid of gangs in the streets, nobles wanting your support for initiatives, etc."

She moved on, putting her hand on the next stack. "Then you have requests of you personally. Invitations to dinners, meeting of nobles from other lands- Orlais in particular is most intrigued to meet you- as well as simpler requests to simply show up to show your support for causes or people in particular."

"Ugh," came the reply, and Cat smiled.

"Some of them will undoubtedly come in handy. I would recommend saving any that could be promising in the future, especially those from nobles of other lands."

Hawke rolled his eyes, but nodded. Cat placed her hand over the last stack, and Hawke wondered why she suddenly looked angry.

"The final stack are invitations of a more… personal sort."

Hawke's eyebrow rose at her tone. "For example?" he asked, forcing himself not to smile.

"I'd rather not," she replied. "Let's just say they range from the carefully worded on top to the highly inappropriate on the bottom."

Hawke couldn't stop his smile now, though he was able to keep it smaller than the grin he wanted to sport. He reached over and picked up the stack of papers she indicated. "Is that so?" he said, as he set the papers aside. "I'll have to make time to peruse them carefully then."

He watched in delight as the annoyance became apparent on her features.

"Well, you're the champion," she snipped at him, using her fingers to make air quotes. She could see his smirk, and knew she was being ridiculous, but inside she had feelings that were uncontrollably raging, and it was all she could do not to tear those ludicrous letters apart.

"That's true, I am," he replied, leaning back on the desk. "I guess that means I can do whatever I want."

He grinned fully this time as she snarled. "I have to meet Cullen," she snapped, turning around. "Anders can help you with the rest."

She didn't see him move, but one moment he was leaning back and grinning like an idiot at her, and the next, he pulled her arm to turn her back around to face him. It was her turn to smirk as she noticed the smile was wiped from his face.

He stepped closer, and she instinctively stepped back. He continued to move her across the room, until he suddenly stopped her with an arm around her waist, pulling her closer. Her eyes narrowed, even as he brought a stack of papers up from his side to show her, before thrusting his hand out, throwing the papers into the embers of the fireplace without breaking eye contact.

Cat turned to look, noting then what papers they were. She watched, calming, as they caught fire, watching as the neat and scrolling writing on each page were destroyed, before looking back at Hawke.

"I received an invitation last night," he said softly, his hand coming up to tuck a loose chunk of hair behind her ear. "I have no interest in any others."

Cat swallowed, feeling like her heart was beating too fast, and way too loud- he could undeniably hear it. "I… I have to go," she said quickly, pulling away. She looked to Anders as she moved to the door, seeing his disappointment before she ran out the door.

It had been a fairly rough day for Cat. After the humiliation at Hawke's, she had raced home. She tried what Fenris always claimed was therapy, and destroyed a few pieces of furniture, and then of course felt extremely guilty for being so wasteful.

She eventually decided that she wanted to speak to a friend, but not one from Kirkwall, as they were all biased. Of course the crew wanted her and Hawke to be together, and talking with Cullen wouldn't help, as he wasn't fond of Hawke. She couldn't truly trust their opinions.

If she were home, she could simply call someone, so she did the next best thing, and wrote to Leliana. She ended up writing several drafts, because she kept forgetting and putting in mentions of her home or knowledge, and was forced to rewrite. However, she also felt that she was far less emotional as she rewrote, and was able to word her concerns much more clearly.

As she left the house to take the letter to Varric, she was surprised to see the sun setting. She had gotten back from seeing Cullen around midday, which meant she had been pouring over her letter for several hours. Pouting more like, she told herself. Pull yourself together, Catarina.

I know, she thought. I need to actually talk to Hawke about this. The problem is, just being near him makes my brain go haywire, and I forget everything else! And therein lies the real problem.

She didn't notice the looks she received as she walked towards Lowtown, having an argument in her mind. Some were looking at her in interest, others in concern, and a random few with scorn, but she didn't see them at all.

What if we are together, then what? Hawke has enemies, I'm certain to be pulled into that. And how about the fact that he practically killed himself to get me away from Gaspard? Or the Qunari? Yes, it was for everyone else too, but I would end up having a large impact on him, on his decisions!

She shook her head.I don't think I'm ready for that. UGH! I should have just gone with Al and Nate, and this would all be at most a problem for another day, if not disappeared entirely!

Pulling open the Hanged Man's door, she paused, wondering if Hawke would be inside. With no other choice but to simply face him if he was, she continued on.

The crew were sitting at their usual table, and she smiled, seeing both Aveline and Sebastian there. Hawke was always able to drag them from their seclusion, and get them to relax, it was one of the great things about him.

She didn't see him at the table, but that hardly meant anything. If they were here, so was he. She noted that Varric was also missing, so most likely they were in his room. She debated interrupting, perhaps it was important… but finally decided it would be a quick matter to hand the letter to Varric, and she felt better about giving it to him in his room than at the table, where everyone would ask questions.

She gave a wave and nod to her friends and moved quickly over to the stairs, though Isabela simply followed her.

"Where you going Kitty?" she asked, and rather loudly at that.

"Need to give Varric a letter," she replied with a smile. "Before I forget."

"So you'll join us then?" Isabela asked, eyeing her. "I'd like to hear more about today."

"Today?" Cat asked, eyes narrowing.

"It's completely obvious that Hawke and Anders are holding out on us. I just don't believe you'd up and run out the door."

Cat's look turned sheepish, as she avoided Isabela's eyes, and knocked on Varric's door.

"Wait," she said, pulling on Cat's shoulder to turn her. "You mean, it's true? Kitty…"

Cat was saved from responding, as the door opened then, and Varric was standing in the doorway.

"Little dove," he greeted her. "It's nice to see you."

"You too Varric," she replied with a smile. "Can you have this sent for me?" she asked, handing him the letter.

"But of course," he replied. "In fact, you have good timing, as I just received one for you as well."

"I didn't know you provided mail service Varric," Isabela smirked.

"Only for fellow crossbow users," he replied cheekily, as he moved back, and rummaged through some papers. "Ah, here we are," he said as he came back with another letter in hand.

He gave Cat the letter, and suddenly grabbed her wrist and pulled her inside. He stepped around her, and herded Isabela into the hall. "Since you owe me one," he said with a hard smile, "Talk to Hawke," he said softly. Raising his voice, he said, "come join us when you're done, eh Hawke?" and without waiting for a reply, shut the door behind him.

Cat looked up nervously, finally noticing Hawke sitting near the fire. He turned to look at her, and she bit her lip, uncertain of what to say. Knowing she had run earlier, if she wanted to preserve her friendship at all, she knew they needed to talk, but she didn't want to start. She moved forward and sat at the table, looking down at the letter.

It's from Duran, she thought, and with her focus changed, she open the page and began to read.

9:34 Dragon, Justinian

Dear Cat,

I must admit to being disappointed when Nathaniel and Alistair returned without you. I miss you my friend, and not just because I value your insight. Please remember that I would love to see you again, and you are always welcome here with the Grey Wardens, whether for a visit, or as a home.

I will not lie and say that I am not concerned, but there are many things that pull my attention these days, and I believe this is now a time of peace in between those times of strife, and we must enjoy it whilst we can, shouldn't we?

We are fortunate in our friends, that we live so far apart and yet still keep in touch, though the news I have been getting lately is an uncertainty, and I want to find the cause for such a feeling running rampant through all the areas of Thedas.

Those that seek power and dominion will always plan to take such things, as you are fully aware. Oh, to be back in simpler times when it was merely a blight to contend with!

I wish I had the connections our lady friend does, and can give you updates as to the others, but know that they are not forgotten, as you are not. I can wish for the chance to bring us all together again, though I fear I must admit that wishes hardly ever come true.

Alistair and Nathaniel have told me much of their meeting with you and your friends in Kirkwall. I find that I want to meet them as well, for they seem just the type of people we would have recruited back then.

Warden Hawke is doing much better, now that most of the chip on his shoulder has gone. I thought for a time that he would find an arrow in his back, for as much grief as he gave Nathaniel, but he seemed to prefer Nathaniel's gruffness to Alistair's teasing. I'm sure you can enlighten me as to why.

Please let his family know that he is integrating well within the order, he is loyal and hardworking, and now that he has finally given up trying to prove himself, has become a true brother to those around him. I am glad to have him with us.

If you at some point decide to visit, please let me know so that I can send an escort for you. I look forward to seeing you again my friend.

Duran

Cat smiled, even as she began to think furiously. If her memory served her right, there were a couple of years in between acts two and three in the game. Maybe it would actually be a good thing to go visit Duran. Spending time with Al would be amazing, and seeing more of Nate wouldn't hurt either. Of course, Carver was there… She smiled as she thought of the younger and broody Hawke. Perhaps he had grown up as much as Duran implied.

"Good letter?"

Cat glanced up, seeing Hawke looking over at her. She swallowed again, feeling suddenly better about everything. She knew it didn't make much sense, but knowing she would leave, made it easier to talk to Hawke now.

"Yeah, it's from Duran, the leader of the Grey Wardens."

His eyebrow rose in question. "You mean the Hero of Ferelden?" he asked, impressed.

"Yeah," she replied, standing up and moving closer. "Your mom asked me to ask about Carver, how he's doing. It seems he's finding his place there."

Hawke brightened. "That's good to hear. I know it was hard for him here, with me being the leader and all."

"Yeah…" she trailed off, stepping a little closer, feeling the warmth of the fire. "I… guess I should explain about earlier," she stammered.

With a move quick as lightning, Hawke pulled her closer, and she tumbled right into his lap, spluttering. "Hey!" she yelped.

He held her, tightly enough that she had to stay put, but if she really wanted to get away she could. "Yes," he said. "Let's talk."

"I'm not talking to you from your lap," she gritted out, her body tense.

"I'm simply making sure we actually finish the conversation this time," he replied with a smirk. "I'll let go, but if you try to get away, I'll simply drag you back."

She gave him an intimidating stare down, but he seemed to simply enjoy it, leaning over and kissing the tip of her nose. "You're adorable," he told her.

The move caught her off guard, and she found herself relaxing, which she found odd, but decided to simply get this over with. The man could be incredibly stubborn after all, she thought.

"Fine, just don't paw at me," she responded, swatting at his hand on her leg, which he moved onto the arm of the chair. She moved away slightly, getting more comfortable as she scooted toward his knees, her tension easing as she wasn't directly face to face.

He grunted, and she apologized. "If I'm hurting you, I can move you know," she said, confused at his chuckle.

"No you're fine," he replied. "Cat… we need to get this out in the open."

"Okay," she said, getting serious. "Uh, I'll go first?"

He nodded, looking at her intently, and she tried to think of how to word it. "Remember way back… you said I was keeping secrets, and it was hard to trust me?" She could tell he wasn't expecting that, but he nodded. "Well, I can't… I mean it's hard to have… there isn't... relationships need trust."

"I trust you," he said, frowning. "That was a long time ago."

"Yes, but what I mean is, I'll always have secrets, it's just part of who I am. There are things I can't… won't- share."

"With anyone?" he asked. "Or just me?"

"It's complicated," she replied, looking away. "I can't let it ruin my life again, it's hard enough-"

Her words cut off, as he pulled her to him, his mouth covering hers. She felt her heart stop, even as her brain short circuited. His hand rubbed her neck as it pressed her closer. His tongue swiped over her lips, asking her to open to him, and she did so without a thought.

They must have gotten closer to the fire, she felt so hot, burning from the inside out, as he took her mouth again and again.

Hawke heard her softly moan, and fought back on his control yet again. How can she not see what she does to me? The small taste at the Keep had only ignited his hunger for her, instead of sating it. And she came here, thinking to tell me what? That there was no chance, no way for them?

Her whimper penetrated through the cloudy haze of his mind, and he ended the kiss quickly, worried that he had hurt her somehow. His chest was heaving, and he could see the effects of his kiss on her mouth.

She was staring at him wide eyed, and he worried that he had done something he couldn't take back. He watched as her teeth came down to bite her lower lip, and he reached out before he could think.

"Do you even realize what that does to me?" he asked softly, as he pushed down on her chin, freeing her lip. "You shouldn't do that if you don't want me to kiss you again."

He could see the surprise on her face, and wondered how she could be so clueless. She wasn't some blushing virgin after all, though he knew she was far less experienced than he originally believed.

"I… don't know what to do," she admitted. "My brain stops working when you kiss me."

Isabela's words from long ago echoed back to him, keeping him from grabbing her again as he wanted to. Kitty is always genuine. She doesn't know how to act coy or innocent. Remember that…

He swallowed hard, and let out a deep breath. "That just means we're doing it right," he said with a tight smile.

"That may be," she replied, frowning, "but it's extremely unnerving."

"Then we'll just keep practicing," he offered with a smile, pleased when she chuckled.

"I doubt that will help in this situation, but I can appreciate the thought." She frowned again, tilting her head slightly as she studied him. "I'm going to be as honest as I can Hawke. I don't know what it is you want from me, but I'm only seeing this ending badly. I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize our friendship."

"Then I'll be honest too. I want you," he said. "I wanted you before, but spending the time to just be your friend made it even stronger. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I know that much. And I'm fairly certain you want me too."

"I've wanted lots of things that turned out bad for me," she retorted. "I'm not that great," she continued. "I'm stubborn, I do whatever I want, regardless of what others tell me, in fact a lot of the time I do things just because others tell me not to."

"You don't have to tell me you're stubborn, I'm quite aware," he said drolly.

Her eyes narrowed again, and she moved quickly to stand up before he could stop her. She moved away from him, grabbing her letter off the table as she headed for the door.

"Running away again?" he asked, standing as well.

She stopped in her tracks, turning back to him, the frustration evident on her face. "You don't understand," she said through gritted teeth.

"And I won't, unless you tell me."

They stood there, looking at each other, and he eventually came a little closer, but stopped when he could tell she needed her space. He didn't want to chase her away, he wanted to understand. He could tell she was thinking furiously, and he just waited and watched, as she warred with herself.

He could see when she gave up, the resignation evident, and she looked away from him.

"Can you imagine," she said softly, "loving someone? Enough to marry them, to want to spend your whole life with them?"

He could see the tears pooling in her eyes, and he wanted nothing more than to go to her, but he kept his place. "Now imagine, not being good enough… at everything. Everything seemed like a dream at first, but then you realize that everything you wanted is beyond your reach, and no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to get close enough."

He could tell she was hurting, even as she turned angry, her voice soft, but harsh. "You'll be disappointed Garrett," she said. "I'm not good at providing, I'm not good at being a wife. I can't cook, I most definitely can't be diplomatic, and to top it off, I'm not good at sex. I can't even orgasm! You may think you want me, but that's because you just don't know."

She was crying freely now, and he could see that she was confused. He assumed because he was practically snarling himself. How could she even think that?! He watched her as she nodded at him, and turned, opening the door and walking out. This time, he let her go, knowing he was in no position to be calm. He paced around the room fuming at her words.

Not good enough, at anything? Was she insane? She was good at everything! She provided for Isabela now for years, did she think I wasn't aware of who paid the captain's bills? Diplomatic? Just look at Fenris and Anders! The two would never get along without her influence.

And sex? He snarled again. He could easily see why the others were always commenting about Cat being clueless, but he had no idea that it was directed mostly at herself. She had practically come apart in his arms, and he had only kissed her.

Calming himself down, he continued to pace until he felt reasonably sure he wouldn't punch the first idiot he saw. Determined to get to the bottom of this, he strode out of the room.