Hey everyone, hope you've enjoyed your holidays and such. I literally came home from our store's inventory raring to finally be able to have some time to write! I'm so excited that all the craziness is finally FINALLY past! Here's hoping we're back to our weekly updates, because I have SO many things written down for this story, and I really want to get to them, like right now!

Enjoy this little chapter, as there are a few things that happen here that will bring about some big things in the near future!

đź’• Grey

Aveline looked up as the rest of their crew walked in the door. She gave them a nod, feeling relief that everyone was all right. "She's stable now, and sleeping," she reported, knowing it would be the first thing they wanted to hear.

The others breathed a sigh of relief, giving small smiles to each other in gratitude. Isabela however, gave the guard captain a narrowed look. "And?" she asked shrewdly.

Aveline started, surprised that the pirate had seen through her. She glanced up the stairs, then motioned them into the parlor, where Sebastian and Fenris stood before the fire, drinking from goblets.

They followed after her, uneasy in the quiet, each wondering what they would hear.

"It's a little upsetting…" Aveline said quietly. "For Hawke that is."

"What happened?" Zevran asked, feeling as though he already knew.

Aveline sighed, and Fenris turned to face the group. "They had stopped the bleeding and were attempting to clean her when we got here," he continued the story for Aveline, and she looked at him gratefully as she took a seat.

"The smell was putrid, and Adrius couldn't heal the wounds before they were cleaned, or risk infection."

"Do they need my help?" Anders asked, turning to the door.

"No, they are done," Fenris answered, stopping the mage in his tracks. "Though I am certain Adrius will need several hours of sleep. He used all of his and Merrill's power, before Hawke added his own to help."

"I see," Anders replied, looking up at the ceiling as if to see through it to his friends.

"She… fought them, at every step, couldn't stand to be touched in any way," Fenris continued lowly. "We thought it from the pain, but when she was finally able to open her eyes…"

"Yes?!" Isabela snapped impatiently.

Fenris turned back to the fire, as Aveline sighed again. "The first person she saw was Hawke," Aveline said wearily. "And she nearly killed herself and Orana trying to get away from him."

She scrubbed a hand over her face. "He tried to calm her, but she was hysterical, and screaming that she would kill him if he came near her. Nothing we said made any difference. She was screaming and crying, and he kept trying to comfort her. He just kept saying, it's me, it's Garrett, over and over."

"She didn't believe him, and it was like she couldn't recognize anyone. She'd fight off anyone that tried to come near her," Fenris added.

"Merrill finally grabbed a lyrium potion, and downed it in one gulp," Aveline said. "Turned to Cat and cast a sleep spell. She collapsed in a heap, and Hawke put her back in the bed. She's been sleeping since."

The silence continued after, even when the door opened, and Merrill stepped through. She looked around, giving them all a tense smile. "I'm glad you're here," she told them. "Cat will need all of us." She looked at them sadly. "And so will Hawke."

She turned to Anders. "She is sleeping, but fitfully," she said. "Is there anything you can do?"

"I can try," Anders replied. "But if she is having nightmares, I don't want to trap her inside them again."

"Again?" Merrill asked.

"Long story," Anders murmured. "Let's go."

The group watched the two mages leave, but most said nothing. They comforted each other in silence, none thinking of leaving. Charade led Isabela to the small settee, then moving to the bottles of wine to pour some. Zevran headed to the fire, standing next to Fenris, and gazing at the pictures that his mind made in the flames.

Varric sat at the desk, finding writing supplies so that he could start lists. It would be what Hawke needed, and would help Varric keep his own thoughts in order.

Aveline looked over, not sure what to say, but feeling a need. "Hawke said that he killed Castillon," she mumbled, and Isabela looked over to her.

"Yeah, he did," she answered.

"I'm sorry if that wasn't what you wanted," Aveline said. "But I must admit I was relieved when I heard it."

"It's probably better off this way," Isabela answered with a shrug, settling back in the small couch.

"I guess it's not all bad," Aveline continued. "I mean, you got a ship out of it after all."

Isabela gave her an incredulous look. "You think I can take it?" she yelled suddenly as she stormed to her feet, causing Aveline's eyes to widen in shock. Isabela huffed a sarcastic laugh and flopped back down on the cushion. "I knew you thought little of me, but I didn't know exactly how little until now."

"What? No, I didn't mean…"

"Didn't mean what?" Isabela countered.

Aveline looked confused. "I suppose I thought you'd be happy… you're always complaining about not having a ship…"

Isabela rolled her eyes, holding out her glass to Charade for a refill. "I may not care much what people say, but in my line a work, having a reputation as someone who will kill you and steal your ship isn't a good thing, though I suppose you would think so."

"So… you don't want his ship?" Aveline asked, still puzzled.

"Of course I want it!" Isabela snapped as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "Maker help me, you are hopeless."

Charade smiled at Aveline's look of bewilderment, and decided to help explain. "She wants the ship yes, and would have taken it from Castillon. But with him now being dead, she cannot, or she would gain a reputation for being the wrong sort of raider."

"I didn't realize that there were different sorts of raiders," Aveline mumbled.

"At least as many as there are different sorts of guards," Isabela shot at her. "And unless I'm willing to be the wrong sort, I've now got a ship that I can't even use."

"So… why not sell it then, and buy a different one?" Aveline asked with a frown, still trying to understand the pirate's perspective.

"I can't just…." Isabela stopped her tirade as the words penetrated. "Sell it…?" she said, her voice becoming warmer as she thought of the possibilities. "Huh."

Charade grinned as she sat beside her. "Interesting thought," Charade added, taking a drink of Isabela's wine.

Isabela looked over to her, wondering if it was fate, or simply good luck. "Hmm… an interesting idea indeed, though I'll have to take the ship somewhere else to sell it. Too many people here know those markings. I'd need a less than reputable buyer."

"And?" Charade asked, the others in the room forgotten. "Do you know of one?"

"I do," Isabela replied. "It's a few days journey though, and Castillon's ship is a little too big to handle myself."

"You should probably bring someone along then," Charade added with a smirk.

"I really should," Isabela murmured.

Aveline followed all of this uncertainly, but Isabela was no longer yelling at her, so she decided to not say anything else.

"How is she?"

Hawke turned, seeing Anders walk quietly into the room. He turned back to Cat, knowing the worry on his features was enough of an answer.

"May I?" Anders asked, gesturing to the bed, and Hawke nodded. Anders spread his arms out, his palms glowing blue and he began to move them slowly above Cat's prone form, searching.

"Her shoulder is still tender, though it has been healed," Anders murmured, stopping momentarily to dig deeper. "She shouldn't use it for several days, and perhaps have a sling for one or two to ensure it." He kept his eyes closed, but was certain Hawke nodded.

"The ribs have been healed as well," he remarked. "As well as the puncture to the lung," he stopped again, frowning. "Ah, there…" he said to himself, pushing more power into his hands. "A little damage in the stomach, but easily fixed."

Hawke could see Cat's face ease slightly, and he felt himself relax just a bit. She was in capable as well as loving hands. He looked up when he felt the power ebb, seeing Anders had turned to look at him.

"Hawke," Anders said gently. "This will take a little bit. You should go down, see the others… only for a minute," he added, seeing the denial on his friend's face. "It will do them and you a world of good."

"I swear I will call you if there is any change," he continued. "But I am not going to put her into a deeper sleep until I know she can handle it."

"All… all right," Hawke finally replied, standing shakily. He wiped his face, looking down at her for another moment. "Only a minute," he said, walking out the door.

"Oh Cat," Anders murmured. "I'm almost glad you can't see his face right now." He turned back, putting his hands up again, and got back to work, moving slowly in his search. He found himself stopping yet again, in puzzlement, and looked to her face then back to her torso where his hands were.

This impairment feels… old, he thought, his hands moving in small circles. The organ is damaged, but…not recently. He thought it odd, that he had never noticed it before, with all the times he had healed Cat. And while he doubted it was giving her pain, he was a firm believer in having the body working as it should to keep everything balanced and healthy.

And so, he went ahead and healed the small reproductive organ, so that it would work as it should, then moved on, thinking nothing further of it.

Cat was so weary, but she felt like the world's hugest ass to complain about it, since she had been resting for several days. Days of healing, of having Orana or Leandra feed her and bathe her, of trying to sleep. One would think that was the problem, but no… she thought miserably. The problem is how I can't seem to act normally around Hawke…

She mentally gave herself a slap as tears threatened to pool in her eyes yet again, but she couldn't seem to keep them back. Her exhausted body just wasn't listening to her anymore. She lay there, her eyes open and staring at the ceiling- trying to sleep, but unwilling to close her eyes- when the soft footsteps in the hallway caused her to tense up.

It mattered not that she knew where she was, that she knew who would be walking to the room to look in on her yet again. It didn't even seem to matter that she loved him with all she had. She kept hurting him- no, not purposefully- still she knew she hurt him, and yet couldn't stop doing so.

Hawke stopped quietly, and looked into the bedroom, seeing Cat staring upwards. He was so… frustrated. She needed to sleep, yet would only do so when Adrius finally put her under.

He could see the fatigue on her face, knew she suffered, yet he felt so impotent. He couldn't do anything to fix this for her. He couldn't even help her- he only made things worse. He couldn't simply hold her, as every time they tried, he would do something wrong, and she would either recoil or get a panicked look in her eyes.

She watched warily as he moved in her direction, though she tried to lay still so that he wouldn't notice she was still awake. But he did, of course.

Hawke knew he was pushing, and knew she wanted him to walk back out again- no matter how much she may love him- but he was never one to make things easy. He wanted his Cat back, and the only way he saw to do that, was to push… at least a little. She needed to get used to having him close by.

He ignored the pang to his heart as her fists clenched at her sides when he came near, but he didn't show it on his face. He came forward, leaning down and kissing her forehead, then settling back in his chair that was placed next to the bed.

"Still can't sleep?" he asked softly, seeing her hands slowly open again. It was a consolation, though a small one, that his voice seemed to relax her when they were both still.

"No…" she said quietly.

"l could read some more," he offered. "And you could close your eyes and listen-" he stopped as she rigorously shook her head.

"I… can't…" she moaned, her voice catching, causing his heart to wrench in his chest.

"Okay then, it's all right," he cooed softly, trying to keep her calm. He tried to think of another solution, getting disheartened as he saw her eyes flit uncertainly at him, then away several times. "Maybe if you tell me what happened-"

"No!"

He stopped, his feelings of frustration and uselessness warring with each other. That was probably the worst part of this. There was nothing he could say, no one he could fight to make things better this time.

"Cat," he said, ignoring her flinch. "Please… just tell me what you need," he pleaded.

"Nothing," she replied, shaking her head and feeling crowded. "Please Hawke… I'm trying, but I don't know if I can get rid of this," she said, her emotions feeling like they were choking her. "I just want… to go home," she said, her tears finally spilling over.

Hawke closed his eyes, wanting to give her what she asked, yet feeling that if he let her go like this, he may never hold her close again. He blocked his natural inclination to roar against what was opposing him, and opened his eyes to her tears. He didn't have a hope of denying her, even when it killed him inside.

He didn't trust himself to speak, he merely got up, and reached for her hand, covering it with his own. He ignored the reflexive jump of her body, and held on, though she tried to pull away.

He knew if he tried to talk, he would be begging her not to leave him… and it would only hurt her more. He looked in her eyes, and felt the connection they shared. He moved slowly, showing his intention as his other hand made a slow journey, cupping her face.

I love you, he mouthed, nodding, then standing quickly and turning, leaving the room behind. He walked down the hallway, striking out with a fist at the hanging shield that represented the Amell family crest.

The blooming pain helped keep him steady somehow, and he let it sting him. He looked from his rapidly swelling knuckles, back to the door of his bedroom. It wasn't much, but it would help, he thought. I need to tell Fenris anyway.

With that, he gave the shield a look to check for damage he would need to fix, impressed when the only damage was on his hand. He turned again, sweeping down the stairs and out of the house to see about getting both he and Cat what they needed.

Cat waited until he was out of the room, the door shutting silently behind him, and then let the flood gates open. I'm the worst person in the entire world, she told herself as she sobbed. She couldn't keep the look on his face from her mind, But that didn't stop you, did it Cat? she thought as she poured out her heartache to the empty room.

It should be so easy, and yet…

She wanted him to hold her, to love her, to make her forget everything else of the past week. She had pulled him close several times, but it had always stopped in disaster… because of her.

There wasn't any rhyme or reason, no specific way he touched her, or thing that he said that caused her to curl into herself or recoil from him. Maker, why?! What have I done to deserve this?!

Days passed in the mansion she shared with Fenris, though to Cat, they felt like months, even years. As she struggled to simply care about getting out of bed, she felt as if the world was revolving on, passing her by. And while she could tell herself all the things she needed to do, she couldn't seem to make herself do them.

Her friends would visit of course, in fact, Fenris and Isabela were always nearby, whenever she needed them, yet they never pushed, for which she was grateful.

Hawke was the only one that didn't come to see her, and she pretended to the others that it was what she wanted, though she would often cry herself to sleep once she was alone.

They told her of goings on when she asked, so she knew that Fenris' sister had agreed to come, though when she would was still undecided, as the journey was long and treacherous for a lone woman, especially an elf. Fenris sent money, so that she could hire someone to accompany her for protection.

She asked once for Cullen, and he came. He was awkward as always, and kept his distance- taking cues from her. It was one of the only visits she could say that she enjoyed, even though she was still glad once he left. She told herself she didn't want to be alone, not always. She just needed time, and then everything would go back to normal.

Her friends gave her what she asked for, and the visits became fewer and farther between as the days stretched on. Cat found herself falling asleep more easily, as she was always tired. She would stay asleep longer and longer without nightmares, until she was sleeping most of the day, just to feel normal.

And then one day, it happened. And it was because she always tried so hard to go unnoticed at home, that she discovered things she wasn't meant to hear. And that's what finally awoke something within her.

Wanting something to drink, Cat padded silently down the hall, pausing as she heard raised voices. She didn't panic, she knew Isabela liked to yell most of the time. Once she was close enough to hear the words however, she realized they were about her, and she stopped to listen.

"You have no idea what Kitty went through, so you have no right to judge!" Isabela sneered. "How dare you!"

"Bell, you know that's not what I'm saying," the other voice that Cat finally recognized as Charade's replied. "I know Cat needs time to heal, and there is no set amount of time needed. What I'm saying is, you can't just drop everything else to be here forever. You need to have your own life, and she'll understand!"

"Yes, she'll understand that I abandoned her! How can you even suggest it, especially when you know it's all MY fault that this even happened?!"

"You can't blame yourself, Bell. You did everything you could to prevent it," Charade said tersely.

"If it wasn't for me, none of this would have happened," Isabela snapped. "Everyone knows it."

Cat put her hand over her mouth, hiding her gasp. How could she think that?!

"I'm not going to keep having that fight with you," Charade retorted, and Cat could hear the disbelief in her voice. "You know how I feel about it, and I'm fairly certain Cat would agree with me. But that's not the point, Bell, there's a buyer for Castillon's ship, and another one waiting to be bought. We can be there and back in a matter of weeks."

Cat could hear the determination in her voice as she continued. "Cat has many other people that love her and will be watching out for her while we're gone."

"You don't get it Char," Isabela replied wearily. "I just can't. Not now."

"You lose this chance, you're not going to find another," Charade warned. "There's already people trying to take the ship you know. If they succeed, you won't have the money for the one you're buying." There was a pause, and Cat listened more carefully. "I can't wait forever, Bell. I have a life to live too."

"I know."

Cat heard the hurried footsteps, the door slamming, and she turned quickly going back the way she came, the words echoing again and again in her mind.

Still reeling from this new information, Cat didn't notice she had passed her room until she saw that she was in front of Fenris'. She stopped, looking at his door, wondering if she should talk to him about what she had heard. There was undoubtedly things that they hadn't told her, but the worst was that Issy felt she was to blame for all the misfortune that had befallen them due to Castillon.

She scrubbed her hands over her face, part of her mind wanting to simply go back to her room. But this was Issy. She couldn't let Issy keep feeling that way, but she wasn't sure what she could do about it.

"Perhaps Hawke has a point," she heard Fenris say, and she moved closer, seeing through the partly open door to see that he and Zevran were in the main room sitting near the fire, and sharing a drink.

"Pushing is all that Hawke knows, and that isn't what is needed here," Zevran replied icily. "My dove is simply recuperating, she will be back to her old self, but we must be patient and understanding until then."

"She sleeps all day long, walks the house like a ghost," Fenris said dryly. "We're supposed to be helping her, not enabling her to become a ghoul."

Zevran rolled his eyes, even as Cat's shot wide. A ghoul?! She looked down at her hands, and finally noticing how pale her pallor was. And when had my sleep shirt gotten so baggy at my hips?

"That's not amusing," Zevran snapped, pulling her attention back. She was so riveted that she didn't even think that she was eavesdropping.

"I wasn't trying to be amusing," Fenris replied, keeping his voice calm. "She is the sister of my heart, and I love her more than I can express," he said, and Cat felt her bottom lip tremble. "She truly saved me, and I see her now, flailing, falling deeper and deeper into despair, and it makes me want to weep and rage at the same time."

He turned to look at Zevran, the anger plain on his face. "I have trusted you, followed your advice, but I cannot any longer, no matter how I feel for you."

Cat's bottom lip trembled further, hearing the way Fenris described her actions the past few weeks, suddenly able to see it more clearly from his perspective. Her hands clenched as the tears softly fell.

"Hawke pushes, yes, but only because he cares. He sees the potential, he knows how special she is, how much Cat lights up our lives. And it pains him to see that light doused by such a piece of scum as Castillon," Fenris continued, neither elf noticing the strangled sob and movement as Cat returned to her room.

Zevran brushed his hand over Fenris', tracing small circles across his slender fingers, and giving him a nod. "I see what you mean," he said carefully. "Though I do not know that she is ready. We can do and say many things, we can help with the burden, but most of the work is up to her," he said. "And trying before she is ready could crush her fully."

Fenris mused on his words, seeing the wisdom in them. "What is the alternative? Let her fall to her lowest point while we watch? I don't know that I can, Zev."

"I am no expert on such things," Zevran admitted. "I had thought we would be able to see it when she is ready to try." He sighed, rubbing his forehead. "If I knew she would cause wrinkles to my brow, I would never have taken her with me when first I saw her," he teased lightly.

"They only add to your appeal," Fenris said with a smirk, then gave a sigh of his own. "She hasn't even asked after Hawke, Zev. That's not like her."

"And he hasn't come to her," Zevran pointed out. "That's not like him."

"True…" Fenris conceded, "however he still trains harder than ever. Anders noted yesterday that he has healed Hawke of more in the past two weeks than the previous two years."

Zevran gave a disgusted shake of his head. "I suppose that is one way to combat the emotions, but as with anything, he'll end up going too far." He gave another sigh and stood.

"Zev?" Fenris asked, surprised that he was leaving. It had become their little ritual to have this quiet time together in the evenings they didn't go to Nyssa. That too, had been fewer and farther between than he liked.

"I need to write a letter," Zev explained as he went to Fenris' desk, finding the supplies he needed. "I should have thought of it sooner, as she has been through something similar, and may know how to help."

"She?" Fenris asked, confused.

"A friend," Zevran said, looking over his shoulder with a smirk, making Fenris figure out who he was speaking of. "She's a busy woman, but she'll come."

"How can you be sure?" Fenris asked, his eyes narrowing as he tried to think of who it would be.

"She owes a debt to my sweet dove," Zevran replied, turning back to his letter. "And I'm going to call it in."

"Leliana," Fenris said, understanding.

"Leliana," Zevran agreed happily.

"You asked to see me?"

Recruit Florence shook slightly, but knew the Knight Commander would reward her once her report was finished. She just had to get through it.

"Well, recruit?!" Meredith snapped, enjoying the jump and quaking her voice caused to the young woman.

"I'm sorry Knight Commander," Florence spit out, giving a salute. "I have a report Commander, something I was told by another recruit."

"And why is this other recruit not giving the report?" Meredith sneered. "You know the stand on rumors that we have."

"Yes Commander," Florence nodded. "It's one of the recruits in my squad," she continued. "I… I don't think she plans to report it, Ser."

Meredith's eyes narrowed, though inwardly she was curious now. "What is it?" she asked.

"She was telling us about helping out the Captain," Florence reported, not coloring it with her own thoughts on the matter- like how she was certain her roommate thought the world of the Knight Captain. "When he was helping the Champion search for his, um… lady friend."

Meredith scowled, her ire raising at being reminded of the Captain's decision then. True, she didn't have good reason to order him away, though she made sure he knew he couldn't use templar resources. And of course the man had found what he needed from those that were off duty. The men had never done anything for her when off duty. Not once in all the years she had been with the templar order.

"And?!" Meredith scowled, her anger making her words even shorter.

"Well, I don't know what happened, as I asked others that were there, and they had no idea what I was speaking of," the trembling recruit said. "But she mentioned those helping, among the Champion's crew I mean." She gulped, and plunged on. "and there was an… inconsistency in the number of mages."

Meredith paused, her left eyebrow rising sharply in question. "An… inconsistency," she drawled, keeping her excitement at bay.

"Yes Ser," Florence said. "I asked further, but got nowhere." Now it was Florence's turn to scowl in puzzlement. "Lysette just avoided my questions after that, which isn't like her," she explained. "She has no love for the robes, Ser, so I can only assume that she's covering for… someone."

Florence didn't want to spell it out for the Knight Commander, who knew if she would dismiss it or not, and then Florence would go nowhere. The Captain was already keeping her from the lead group of recruits for her part in the attempted kidnapping of his so-called friend, Catarina.

She had to do something, or she'd never gain her Knighthood, and as she saw it, the Captain was the one in her way. Lysette may mourn losing the Captain for awhile, but eventually she'd get over it. After all, she had undoubtedly been following his orders to keep the unknown mage a secret.

"Tell me everything," Meredith demanded as she sat at her desk, and had the recruit sit as well.

The captain is as good as gone… Florence smiled to herself as she sat, and proceeded to explain all that Lysette had confided.

"Recruit…" Meredith paused, giving her a chance to speak her name.

"Florence, Commander," Florence supplied.

"Recruit Florence," Meredith said, giving her first smile to the younger woman. "I know how difficult it can be, to have to show strength, to do what is right even as those that you call friends do not."

Meredith stood, giving her a nod, and gesturing her to follow as she walked to the door. She opened the door and stepped into the hallway as an aide scurried towards her. She spoke up, gesturing grandly to the recruit.

"Please find new lodgings for our newest templar," Meredith announced, as her tranquil aide looked at them without a show of having even heard them. "She will need to move her belongings from the recruit quarters into the templar hall barracks." Meredith turned back to Florence with a smile that made the girl wonder what sort of deal she had just made. "Welcome, Ser Florence," Meredith added as she gave a motion to send the aide off and gestured to Florence to follow behind her.

The Commander waited as they went down the hall, smirking at the floored expression on the young templar's face. Who knew what she could use the girl for in the future, but for now, she'd simply start accruing favors from her newest retainer.

Her assistant Elsa came forward to give her reports, and Meredith accepted them as she turned back to her office. "Bring me the recruit named Lysette," she commanded Elsa. She didn't wait to see her nod or bow her head. She knew she would be obeyed.

She was already smiling at the thought of the chance she had been given. She would dig deeper on this unknown mage. It could be the key she had been looking for to finally take down that insufferable Champion. But for now… she'd pay her captain back for knowingly going against her wishes.