Chapter Four

all i know

I followed Negan down the long halls and stairs. He talked the entire time, explaining the jobs and point systems, as well as his army of "Saviors", which made me laugh, earning me a side eye that could kill. He talked about taking people in and the different sections of the factory that held rooms. He spoke of the cooks and the food, as well as the garden's they were growing and the small section of the compound they had reserved for livestock.

As we neared a large set of metal double doors, a murmur of voices coming from behind it, I watched the man walking slightly in front of me completely transform. He was no longer giving me looks and making jokes. His height seemed to double as his shoulders completely squared back and a hard glint showed in his eyes. His cute smirk was replaced with a shit eating grin that made me slightly nervous.

What the fuck is happening right now?

His arms pushed both doors open, slamming them to the walls on either side as he strode through them, like he was Moses parting the Red fucking Sea. Voices halted immediately and a flurry of footsteps sounded. I followed behind him closely, taking in the space around me.

It was a large open area and there were people everywhere. Young, old, children. Some people working, others sitting at tables in groups, with board games in front of them. All of them, though, had ceased speaking and even normal sounds were hushed. Slowly, everyone started kneeling as Negan continued farther into the room with me on his heels. Eyes glanced up at me as I followed, curiosity coloring their features.

"Well, hot diggity fucking dog," Negan barked with a sarcastic lilt to his voice, "You fuckers are fast. Good job!"

Unable to stop myself, my nose crinkled. Pardon the fuck out of me, sir, who are you?

"I stand by what I said earlier. A little cult-ish," I whispered, attempting to get my short legs to keep up with his long strides.

Negan glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, winking.

"Not a cult, just respect for their fearless fucking leader," he said back, not attempting to keep his voice down.

His eyes focused forward again, as he continued across the large space. I continued looking around. Everyone looked pretty well fed and they all had on clean clothes. The whole place smelled like freshly baked bread and it made my mouth water. The area was clean and while no one outright looked unhappy, they definitely were nervous around their "fearless leader".

I felt fear bubble up in my chest. Who was this man? None of it was making sense. The man I had been talking to since waking up and the man that currently commanded this room with a hard look and a sarcastic attitude were not the same person. They couldn't be. Even the memory I had of meeting him wasn't really lining up with who I was currently walking behind.

Negan pushed open a smaller door on the other side of the room, holding it open for me to follow him into a kitchen. It was industrial looking with multiple ovens set up throughout.

"Oh, Negan! How are you, sweetheart? Have you eaten today?" A soft, older voice called out.

And just like that, the domineering presence I had just followed across the large room behind us was gone, as a soft smile spread across his face.

I needed to talk to Doc about a neck brace for the whiplash I was currently experiencing.

I looked up to see an elderly woman, in her late 60's, at least, rounding a corner while wiping her hands on a rag that was hanging out of the pocket of her apron. She had white hair that was piled directly on top of her head in a messy bun. She was short and a little chubby. A bright, caring smile was settled on her face. The lines around her mouth told me that the smile didn't often leave her face.

Her eyes locked on to mine and she stopped walking as her smile dimmed a bit.

"Eleanor, my favorite lady," Negan boomed, stepping up the woman and dropping an arm around her shoulder, "This is Piper."

He looked at her expectantly like she should know who he was talking about. But the woman's face brightened and her hands began fluttering like a hummingbird.

"Oh, Piper, dear! You come here and give me a hug! I've heard so much about you! I'm so glad you're awake. I've been praying for you every single night. Good to see it worked," she gushed, coming towards me with her arms wide open.

Her hands grabbed my shoulders and pulled me in for a surprisingly aggressive hug. I couldn't help the bark of laughter that fell from my lips as I tried to hug this unusually strong older woman. I looked up at Negan, who just watched with a giant smile on his face.

"Actually, Ms. Ellie, we're here because Piper hasn't had an actual meal in about two and a half months. Literally. She just woke up last night. And she threatened to start eating me if I didn't get her food immediately. I'm scared for my life, if we're being honest with each other," he said, dramatically placing his hand on his chest.

I couldn't help but notice that the whole time Negan spoke to Eleanor, his favorite word had been left out of each sentence. Not a "fuck" in sight, the whole time he talked.

"Now, sugar, we both know she wouldn't say a thing like that. I think she and I both know you wouldn't taste very good, with you being so full of shit and all," the elderly lady said, releasing me from her tight hug and grabbing onto my hand.

Negan's mouth dropped open as the woman led me to a couple stools that were tucked under a countertop in the center of the kitchen. I couldn't stop the laughter that fell from my mouth.

"Oh, I like you Eleanor. I like you a lot," I whispered to the woman. She sent me a small wink and made sure that I was seated on the stool comfortably.

Negan grabbed the one beside me, sitting dramatically.

"Ms. Ellie, I cannot believe you would talk to me like that. I bring one decent person in here and all of a sudden, I'm being ganged up on. I don't know what I'm going to do with you," Negan, keeping up the theatrics, shook his head and murmured.

The woman flitted around the kitchen, grabbing cans, vegetables, and pans quickly.

"Not a damn thing, sugar. You wouldn't do anything to jeopardize yourself getting those big hands on my food ever again," she absentmindedly muttered as she looked through some spices.

"Well, you got me there, lady. You're basically allowed to do whatever you please, so long as I still get lasagna every Thursday, as promised," Negan responded, his eyes giving away just how true that statement was.

As the woman hurried around the kitchen throwing things into a pan, we all talked. I learned that Ellie, as she preferred to be called, had been at The Sanctuary for over a year. Negan had found her on a farm, in a barn the Saviors were raiding after her husband had died in his sleep. Negan had immediately taken a liking to Ellie and offered her a home and a job, which he said Ellie had accepted instantly and had been making him the best food he'd ever had, every day since.

Ellie doted on Negan like a mother hen. She kept checking his glass to make sure he had something to drink, had put out some fruit, in case he felt like a "small snack", and smiled at the man next to me like he hung the damn moon. I could tell from watching them that he cared just as much about the elderly woman.

After about thirty minutes, Ellie slid a bowl of vegetable soup in front of both of us, before turning around and grabbing some breadsticks to throw on a plate as well. She found a stool for herself and sat down, grabbing a breadstick that was in Negan's hand and on its way to his mouth, and taking a huge bite. Negan had laughed and grabbed another one.

Ellie told me about her life before. She had been a stay at home mom and had three kids. One she said had passed away when the dead started rising, and two had lived out of state. She'd had no way of contacting them and still didn't know where they were. I felt a twinge in my chest for the woman. That had to be hard.

Ellie had started asking me questions and her face had fallen and she'd grabbed my hand in a death squeeze when I told her that I couldn't remember anything about myself.

"Oh, dear. Don't you worry. That brain of yours will come around just fine. Just you wait for it," she said soothingly, rubbing the top of my hand.

The kitchen door pushed open and a tall, skinny man with long stringy blonde hair and a horrible burn mark on his face stepped in, looking pissed.

"Negan, can I talk to you? We have a problem. A big fucking problem," the man grumbled, his eyes bouncing between Ellie and I before landing back on Negan.

"First of all, watch your fucking mouth around Eleanor, you no manner having ass shithead," Negan grumbled, standing up, "And yes, I guess we fucking can."

Negan's head turned towards me.

"I'll be right back, wildflower. Don't go anywhere," he murmured before stepping around me and following the man towards the door.

I looked back to Ellie.

"He's a peach, ain't he?" I joked, going for another bite of food.

Ellie laughed.

"He reminds me of my Ernie when we were younger. I think that's why I don't mind his own 'shithead' attitude," Ellie responded, grinning at me.

"Your husband's name was Ernie?" I asked, "Ernie and Ellie. How freaking cute is that?"

Ellie laughed again, the sound like windchimes, "It was. He was one force of a man. He could command a room like you wouldn't believe. And that mouth of his was always getting him in trouble, but oh, did I love it. I married that man when I was 18 years old. It took one look and I was done for. You would've liked him. Everyone liked him. He was the only man I've ever met that could make you want to hit him with a right hook and then kiss him immediately after."

Her eyes had grown misty as she told me about her late husband. The love on her face as she stared into space was terribly sad.

I reached for her hand this time.

"He sounds amazing. But I would assume he had to be to get a woman like you to marry him," I said, squeezing her hand briefly and letting go.

She smiled at me. At some point, the look in her eyes shifted to concern. She leaned across the island and grasped my hand again.

"Listen, sugar. I'm only going to tell you this one time. I know Negan better than anyone in this place. He tries hard for his people, he really does. But he has had to create and become a different person to lead these people in this awful world. What you see is not always what you get. No matter what you hear, no matter what you see yourself, talk to him before making any decisions. Nine times out of ten, there is a reason behind his action. And for the love of god, do not let that man push you away. He is the king of dangling everyone at arm's length, but I've heard him talk about you for months. One would think you were the moon and he was just spinning in your orbit. Stick it out, sugar. I promise, it's going to be worth it at some point." Her words came to a halt and she squeezed my hand before leaning back and starting to wipe down the counter.

I didn't have time to process what she had said to me before the door opened and Negan appeared, looking less than pleased with the conversation he'd just had.

"Ms. Ellie, we're going to head out. I'm going to show Piper the grounds before forcing her into another nap. Thank you for the food. It was delicious," Negan said, walking to the older woman and giving her a tight hug before pressing a quick kiss to the top of her head.

I jumped off the stool and picked up my bowl. Sitting it in the big sink behind me, I turned back to Ellie, who had just let go of Negan.

"Thank you. For the food. I'll have to have you teach me how to find my way around a kitchen sometime," I said, smiling at the woman.

"Oh, baby. Any time! You come down here and I'll teach you everything. I've always wanted to do that. I only ever had sons and they were in no way invested in learning how to cook a single thing," the woman gushed, rushing to give me a quick hug.

"Now you two get out of here. The other cooks are coming in to start preparing for dinner and I don't need Negan around scaring them into burning everything that touches a pan," she stated, ushering us to another small door in the corner of the kitchen.

Negan put his hand on my lower back and led me out of the kitchen, into the outside world. The sun was bright and it took some time for my eyes to adjust.

Negan walked me around the outside of The Sanctuary. He showed me the gardens and the small amount of livestock they had. I got to pet a horse and Negan had thought it was hilarious when he tossed a chicken at me and I screamed.

The outside tour lasted twice as long, as Negan didn't seem to be in any hurry walking the perimeter of the chain link fence. We passed guards, who all had dropped into a kneel before resuming their patrol.

I was still trying to sort through my feelings as he talked. It was hard to put a pinpoint on Negan and the people I had met so far.

Everything that Ellie had said played on repeat in my head. She obviously thought Negan was great, but I couldn't tell if it was because he actually was, or because he had saved her and she was hero worshiping him. For the millionth time since waking up, I wished I could remember more. I knew I was missing something. And considering that Negan was the puppetmaster of avoiding questions, I had a hard time believing that I would get a ton of information out of him.

When we got towards the front of the compound, I saw them. The "walkers". People. People who had once had lives and families and children. People who were now in various states of decay and tied to the ground or the fence in some fashion. I stared in horror as the low groans of the dead surrounded me.

"They offer protection. No one alive tries to get past them. The other dead don't smell us over the stench of their undead brethren. No one bothers us," Negan said in a matter of fact tone, looking across the dozens of bodies on the outside of the fence.

"I… I think I'm going to be fucking sick, Negan."

I turned and quickly started walking toward the closest door to us. Tunnel vision like a mother fucker, I couldn't see anything else around me. Sounds started to fade and I couldn't focus on anything other than getting away from the living dead.

I felt a rough hand wrap around my upper arm and swing me around to face a broad, muscled chest.

"Hey, hey, calm down. Breathe it out for me, doll. It's okay. They're not getting in. And no one else will either because of them," Negan said, looking down at my face.

My heart was beating in my chest so loud I was convinced Negan could hear it. My breaths were shallow.

"I'm not worried about any of that. I didn't… I don't know, for some reason it didn't feel real until I saw it. What you were saying didn't sound real and it was easy to just… not think about, but seeing them is different. Seeing them makes it very fucking real and now I can't breathe and I think my heart is going to pound it's way past my rib cage and all I can think about is that those dead people you have tied to your fence use to be… I don't know, real fucking people? Negan, it's just-" My sentence was cut off as Negan's hand grabbed the back of my head and tugged my face into his chest.

He wrapped his arms around my waist and one of his hands started slowly rubbing my lower back in easy circles. He started humming a song I couldn't place, but I felt my heart rate start to regulate.

Eventually, a chuckle rumbled through Negan's chest.

"This always worked before. You'd fucking kamikaze into the middle of a panic attack and this was only thing that would make your ass breathe for a second and calm down," he said, leaning back from me slightly and looking into my eyes. "You wanna go take a nap, wildflower?"

I nodded my head frantically, glancing back at the Walkers outside the fence. He smiled and led me through the door, turning to head up the stairs to his immediate right.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Back to my room. You can stay in my bed while I work," he responded, not at all sounding bothered.

"Oh, are you sure? I don't mind going back to the hospital bed to sleep…"

I heard him scoff.

"Abso-fucking-lutely not. You can just sleep in my room until I find you your own room, doll."

I wanted to ask him if he really thought that was a good idea, but I didn't bother. I could already tell that arguing with Negan over something he'd already decided on would always be a losing battle. So I let him lead me to his room, because what the fuck else was I supposed to do?