Sickness and Health
Sam knew what had happened the moment he woke up. He knew it by the crinkles around her eyes.
He knew it with even greater certainty a moment later by the splitting migraine that ricocheted through his skull the moment he so much as tensed the base of his spinal cord in a precursor to movement. "Oww," he groaned, lifting a hand as heavy as iron to his forehead. Tendi bit her lip.
"Still in some pain, huh? Here." She stood up from the chair beside his bed and reached out his line of vision; he thought he heard a finger tapping on a screen, and a moment later the relieving rush of chemicals flooded his brain, dampening the headache to a manageable throb. "That better?"
"Yeah," he winced, squinting up at her. As Tendi's face came back into view, his suspicion was confirmed: the very beginnings of lines around her eyes and dimples, the slightly plumper figure, the two solid gold pips on her collar. She was easily quite a few years older than she had been that morning when he'd said goodbye to her in the mess hall a few hours ago—or, more likely, he had lost that many years of memories. "Ah man," he sighed. "Tell me there's some good news with the bad news."
Tendi pursed her lips. "What's the last thing you remember?"
"Breakfast?" he tried. She giggled a little despite herself.
"Maybe try something a little more unique."
"Um…" He cast his mind into the past few weeks. Right, of course. "Getting promoted to junior lieutenant and moving into my new room. That was a few weeks ago…"
Tendi's face fell, dashing his hopes just a little further. "Oh. Sam, I– I'm so sorry, that was ten years ago. The current stardate is 68329.9, that's–"
"2391," he said weakly.
"May 1st," she nodded.
"Oh man. I-I can't have lost a whole decade of memories—what's gonna happen to me?!" he moaned, sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of the biobed. Immediately Tendi tried to push him back–
"You shouldn't be trying to sit up yet–"
"W-what if I lose my commission? What if I have to leave the Cerritos?!"
"Sam, you just need a few more minutes for the cerebral regenerators to–"
"I can't just sit here and–" He stopped, his eyes landing on his left hand (currently grasping her arm), and then slowly uncurled it. His mouth fell open at the sight of the rubber safety ring on the fourth finger, and then his eyes (the human one dinner-plate round) drifted up to Tendi.
"Who–?"
She quirked a half-wincing smile at him and held up her own left hand. A matching rubber ring was encircling the fourth finger. "Um, surprise?"
Rutherford stared at her gape-mouthed for a long beat, and then groaned, "Oh, god," and dropped his head into his hands.
If Tendi was surprised by this reaction, she didn't show it—and he didn't like what that meant for his future (or, technically, past). "Hey, it's okay," she urged, sitting down on the bed next to him; her hand almost naturally seemed to start rubbing circles on his back. "Everything's going to be fine–"
"How can it be fine, I forgot my own wife! You! I forgot that you're my wife!"
"Sam, it's going to be fine," Tendi insisted. "Your implant just had a little shock from some exposed wiring down in engineering this morning, we can fix it!"
"No. No way, man, that's it, I'm done," he said, lifting his head out of his hands and staring at the opposite wall in guilty horror. "I'm done with this stupid implant, I don't care what kind of benefits it gives me; I'm telling Dr. T'Ana I wanna get rid of it and–" Tendi sighed behind him, and he looked over, noticing the touch of exasperation in the noise. "What?"
"Sorry," she apologized. "It's just– we've had this conversation before. A few times, actually." He sared at her, bewildered, and she bit her lip. "Sam, you tried to get rid of the implant, three years ago. I-It's impossible, your synapses have rearranged themselves to work with the logic board and—look, we just don't know what kind of damage taking it out could do to your brain, let alone your memories; it's not worth the risk." Rutherford's face had fallen, and Tendi must have noticed the mounting panic because she quickly insisted, "B-But it's fine!" She took his hand and gripped it tightly: "We're used to it, we've got a protocol now and–"
"U-Used to it? Protocol? Tendi, h-how often does this happen to me?!"
"Um– well the good news is, we know how to deal with it and–"
"Why won't you answer me! Oh god, is this like an every year kind of thing?!"
"Sam, it's not your fault–!"
"I know it's not my fault!
She fell silent, biting her lip again, but this time there was a definite shine to her eyes. Unable to take it, Rutherford looked away, squeezing his own eyes shut. Guilt and fear were cascading over him now in waves, threatening to tear him apart like gravimetric shear. Ten years. He'd forgotten ten years. Ten years of life. From the sounds of it, ten years of forgetting about life.
But then her hand squeezed his again, carefully, gently, and he exhaled, shoulders slumping. "I– sorry," he sighed. "I'm sorry. I just…" He opened his eyes, exhausted. "I'm just so tired of this, y'know?." He looked down at their intertwined fingers, at the ring on his hand. "I can't even remember us getting married. And if I'm this frustrated, I can't even imagine how frustrated current me must feel. Do I even want to know how many times this has happened?"
"Probably not," she said quietly. He looked over at her again, pursing his lips.
"I'm sorry," he repeated. "This must be frustrating for you too."
"It's okay. I'm used to it," she said with a rueful smile and a shrug.
"Man, that's…depressing."
"Yeah." She exhaled and stood up again, taking both of his hands now. "Look. It could be worse; you plan ahead for this, you back up your memories every night to the ship's computer bank and two external hard drives. They're downloading back into the implant right now, take a look."
Nervously, he reached up and tapped one of the controls on the side of the eyepiece; a technical screen appeared in front of the world, and in the corner he could see that there was indeed a wireless download taking place, about twenty percent complete. Tendi must have seen his face change, because she nodded with a relieved smile. "See? Everything is going to be fine, Sam; it's just going to take a little while for your memories to come back, that's all."
It's going to be fine. I'll get the memories back. Everything is going to be fine. Forcing himself to take a deep breath, he nodded and tapped the implant again, vanishing the screen. "Right. Yeah, okay." Something occurred to him, and his eyebrows furrowed. "–But wait, how am I not aware of it? It's my brain, shouldn't I be able to feel the memories coming back?"
Tendi shook her head. "You built a program for that a few years ago. Just letting the memories pour back in almost drove you crazy once, not fun to watch," she said with a shiver, and he swallowed hard, realizing the logic of this. "After that we had to keep you in a coma whenever this happened, but that wasn't a great solution either. With your program the memory download happens in the background, so you can still have a semi-normal life in the meantime; the Captain just assigns you to whatever rank you can remember being until the update's finished."
"So there's really a…protocol, for this."
"It's all in your health plan," she agreed, and then noticed something over his shoulder. "Cerebral regenerator just finished. You're good to go, if you want."
"I– yeah. Okay," he exhaled, standing up. "Um– so what do you we do now?"
"Well, we were going to have lunch with the others," Tendi said, checking the time. "It's almost noon; Mariner was going to save us a spot in the mess."
"Great. I'd love to catch up," he said, in a pretty paltry attempt at a joke, but it was the effort that counted. Tendi half-smiled and nodded for the door.
"Come on. I can sign you out."
As they headed for the door, Tendi checking off boxes on her work Padd and signing some sort of form in the curly Orion script, Rutherford realized something and drew to a pause. "Uh– Ten– I mean, D'Vana–"
"You can call me Tendi if that's easier for you, Sam, it's okay," she reassured him, then: "Oh! Do you mind that I'm using your first name, though? Sorry, I'm just so used to it…"
"No, no, not at all!" he said, shaking his head rapidly and feeling the heat creep up his cheeks. "Um, actually, I-I was wondering–" Rutherford gulped. In light of the situation, it felt so— unimportant, and yet, well, what harm could it do? Why not make the best of a, if not completely bad, then definitely weird situation? "If we're married, then…um, can I kiss you?"
Tendi blinked and stared for a beat, and then covered her mouth, eyes crinkling with a chuff of stifled laughter. Rutherford was surprised, and she clarified: "Sorry. Just– I'm guessing that means you remember Parth Ferengi's Heart Place?"
"Um, yeah." He blushed harder. "It…happened a few days ago. At least, that's how it feels for me."
Her face softened. "Believe it or not, that's how it feels for me too. If you're comfortable with a kiss, then—honestly, after the day I've had, I'd love one."
Rutherford hesitated, and then stepped forward so that they were nearly chest-to-chest. His hand cupped her cheek with a motion that felt far more practiced and sure than it should have, and then he faltered again, nose a few inches from hers. Was this okay? Sure, she remembered being married even if he didn't, but…
"Go on," Tendi said softly, her green eyes shining. Summoning his courage, he closed his own eyes, saw the screen view pixelate into darkness, and leaned forward.
Her lips brushed against his, feather-light at first, and then soft, warm, her mouth gently insistent against his. His fingers moved from her cheek to tangle themselves gently in her hair; his hand found her waste and pulled her close against him as he felt her fingers lace around the back of his neck. It was…perfect. Too perfect, really, for a first kiss. Samanthan Rutherford had never kissed or been kissed like that before in his life—except, quite probably, he had. His body and heart remembered this, even if his mind couldn't quite yet access it.
When he pulled away, it felt all at once too soon and like the embrace had lasted for an eternity. Tendi was still in his arms, grinning up at him as if she had never been more comfortable anywhere. "First kiss," he joked. "Kinda."
"Mm. That's actually your fifth first kiss with me," she chuckled, pressing her forehead to his. He smiled ruefully and did the same.
"Heh. Well." His grin eased into something more genuine as their gazes met and mingled. "I guess that makes this a silver lining."