CHAPTER FIFTEEN

5x24 Our Darkest Hour

"Emily, we need to talk." One look in her direction and Emily knew exactly what this was about. She wished JJ would just let it go. At least until they got back to DC. She didn't want to fight while they were out on a case.

She sighed, "JJ - please… I can't do this right now. I thought we were done talking about this..."

"No, you were done talking about it. Not me."

JJ crossed her arms over her chest and stared at Emily, their hotel bed between them. Emily sighed. They were in the middle of a terrible case. Just thinking about what this unsub was doing made Emily want to take a shower. She couldn't for the life of her understand why JJ felt the need to start this fight right now of all times.

"Why are you so hellbent on telling everyone about us?"

"Not everyone. Our friends, Emily. The people who care about us most. Why are you so hellbent on not telling them?"

"Because all this will do is cause problems. What do you think is going to happen when Strauss finds out we're together? I don't know about you, but I really like my job!"

"So this is about your job? That's really more important to you than how I feel?" That wasn't fair. JJ knew she wasn't being fair to Emily, but she was so frustrated and tired of having this fight.

"Damn it JJ, that's not what I meant and you know it!"

"Then I don't get it! I love you. I'm crazy about you, and I want our friends to know!"

JJ had gotten used to telling Emily she loved her without reciprocation. She didn't mind. JJ knew that Emily showed her love with her actions more than her words. She knew Emily loved her. And she would tell her when she was ready to.

"You're acting like we're lying to them, JJ!"

"Well, what would you call it? We're withholding the truth!"

"It's none of their business!"

"They're our friends!" She paused, shaking her head and laughing cynically, "What is this? Am I moving too fast? Is it - are you ashamed of me?" JJ winced as she heard Will's words come out of her mouth. Now she understood how he felt.

"What? JJ have you lost your mind?" Emily asked impatiently. She closed her eyes and pinched her fingers on the bridge of her nose. She was too tired for this.

"I just want to know! I want to understand - I can't understand, Emily!"

Emily watched as her girlfriend paced back and forth next to their bed. Out of the corner of her eye Emily saw the time was 11:30PM. She wished JJ would just sleep. Things were always better in the morning.

"I told you - it's against the rules!"

"So, if you had to choose between me and the job which would you choose?"

"What?"

"It's a simple question, Emily. At least it is for me!"

"So, what are you saying? You're going to quit your job?" Emily countered sarcastically.

"Is that what it takes?"

"Stop, JJ," Emily pleaded. This was exactly what she was afraid of. She didn't want either of them to leave the BAU. She didn't want to think about that.

JJ was silent for a moment. She crossed her arms over her chest, looking down at the floor. "Okay… and what if we get married? Are we going to tell them then?" JJ raised her eyes to gauge Emily's reaction. Her own heart was hammering in her chest.

"We're not there yet," Emily countered quickly.

"Well, what if I am?"

"Wait, so, you want to get married now?" Emily asked incredulously, and immediately regretted it. The silence was deafening. JJ dropped her hands to her hips and looked down at her feet.

"Wow, okay… I'm gonna go," she whispered, moving to pick up a few of her things.

"Wait, JJ," Emily moved towards her but JJ pulled away quickly. The door slammed and it made her jump. Emily looked around their empty hotel room, then up at the ceiling. Maybe gravity could help her keep from crying. Emily wasn't sure she'd ever seen JJ this upset. Her eyes weren't just angry - they were heartbroken.

JJ knew it probably just took Emily off guard when she mentioned marriage. She shouldn't have. It wasn't that JJ was dying to get married anytime soon - after all they'd only been dating for less than a year - but when she thought about the future, she thought about Emily. And it was becoming clear to her that the image in her head might be very different from the one in Emily's. The thought of that broke her heart. And while she knew that Emily did want her deep down, her insecurity was clouding her judgement.

There was only one place JJ wanted to go. There was only one person she could talk to about this. She took the stairs up two floors and knocked on the door. It swung open to reveal a perplexed Derek Morgan. His confusion quickly turned to concern once he saw the tears running down JJ's cheeks.

"JJ… What happened?"

"We had a fight," she whispered.

"Emily?"

"Yeah. I didn't know where else to go."

"Come in," Derek said, moving aside and letting her in. As soon as the door closed, he wrapped his arms around her. Eventually they sat down on his bed. "Same thing?" Derek asked gently. This wasn't the first time JJ had been angry at Emily's stubbornness, but he had never seen her react this strongly.

"Yeah. But -"

"But what?"

"Derek, I don't think she loves me the way I love her."

"What are you talking about? Emily is hook line and sinker. I've seen the way she looks at you." JJ didn't respond. She just shook her head and closed her eyes painfully. "What happened, JJ?"

"I told her I wanted to tell the team about us. And then -" JJ paused, she knew it was going to take all of her willpower to say this next part without breaking down. "And then I told her I wanted to marry her."

Derek froze. This was serious. This was beyond serious.

"She thought I was joking…" Derek looked away from JJ. "So you tell me," JJ said with an agonizing smile.

Two hours passed and Derek pulled a blanket over an exhausted JJ. He had finally gotten her to stop crying and fall asleep. That's when he heard the gentle knock on his door. Derek had a feeling he knew exactly who it was. He swung the door open part way.

"Is she here?" Emily asked. Derek saw that Emily too had been crying recently. Her eyes were red and tired.

"Yeah - she's here. She's asleep." Derek stepped out of his room into the hall and closed the door behind him.

"Derek - I just want to talk to her. Please."

"Do you love her? I gotta know, Emily. Because she loves you - unapologetically."

"Of course I love her."

"Really?" Derek countered, forcefully.

"With my whole heart," Emily breathed. There was a moment of silence. "She told you what happened?"

"Yeah, she did. What are you so afraid of?"

"As soon as we tell people - it becomes real. And when it becomes real things change and I don't want anything to change. We spent so long making our way to each other and I'm afraid that if one of us switches units we won't be the same, and I can't lose her, Derek."

"That is ridicious, Prentiss."

"What?" Emily asked, shocked at his brashness.

"Come on! You know the only thing that stays the same in this world is that nothing stays the same. It's not supposed to. It's not natural. If you try to keep everything exactly the same you'll lose her anyway. The best you can do is find someone that will stand by you while everything else changes."

He was right. Emily knew he was right. And if she had her choice of people to stand with, JJ would be at the top of her list.

"You're right," Emily sighed.

"Yeah, I know I am." He was still frustrated. She could hear it in his voice.

They stood in silence for a moment. "She wants to marry me, Derek." Her voice was so small he could barely hear her.

"Commitment isn't perfect, Emily. It's a choice. Do you want to marry her?"

"JJ deserves better."

"Maybe - but that's not an answer - and you don't get to decide who she chooses to love."

Emily stood in silence. All of her frustration with JJ was gone. Morgan was right. For whatever it was worth - JJ had chosen her. And Emily knew how unyielding JJ could be about the things she loved.

"Please let me in," Emily whispered. "Please, Derek."

He nodded quietly and opened the door. Emily walked directly to JJ's sleeping form. Even in sleep she looked exhausted. Her eyes were still puffy around the edges. Emily kneeled down on the ground so her face was at the same level as JJ's. At first, she just observed her, but eventually, she placed a hand on her face and brushed some hair out of her face. JJ shifted and opened her eyes, sleepily. Once she registered that it was Emily who had woken her, she moved to a sitting position.

"Emily -"

"You're right. And it's not about my job. Or your job. I'm afraid that if we tell people, things will change between us. I'm scared to lose what we have."

"Why didn't you just tell me that?" JJ asked.

Emily glanced over her shoulder at Derek who was lingering at the edge of the room watching. Emily took a deep breath. She knew there were things she hadn't told JJ. Things that could change how she felt about Emily. JJ knew nothing about Lauren - nothing about Ian. And Emily had gotten so used to keeping that particular secret close to the vest she wondered if she would ever be able to tell her. Maybe she was just a coward.

Either way, she couldn't say anything in front of Derek, so she just responded, "I don't know…" Emily reached for her hand and was relieved that JJ didn't pull away. "Let's tell the team."

JJ's eyes lit up with cautious excitement. "Really? Because -"

"Really," Emily responded with a soft smile. "I mean it, JJ."

JJ nodded her head, eyes filling with tears again. Emily hadn't said anything about her marriage confession, but JJ hadn't expected her to. It was hard for Emily to trust anybody. JJ had learned this about her - and she tried to remind herself of it in moments like these.

"I love you."

An involuntary grin spread across JJ's face at hearing Emily tell her that for the first time. Emily smiled sheepishly. It felt good to finally tell her.

"I'm in this," Emily added slowly, in a whisper. JJ nodded, bringing her hand to Emily's cheek, touching her softly.

Emily smiled as she watched JJ from across the precinct. She was ready to tell the team. Ready to take that next step. They had decided that when they got back to DC, they were going to tell Hotch, and then everyone else. But there was a shift in JJ's expression. She looked distressed. JJ had been on the phone for almost ten minutes, pacing back and forth. She slowly dropped it from her ear and stared into space for a moment. JJ looked conflicted. It made Emily anxious. She crossed the room quickly. JJ flinched slightly at her sudden invasion of space.

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah…"

"You ready? Hotch is in his office," Emily replied.

JJ hesitated. She looked around the room anxiously. It left Emily confused.

"Uh - not tonight, okay?"

Emily almost argued back but paused when she saw the look on JJ's face. Emily nodded supportively, "Okay."

JJ nodded her head appreciatviely. She dropped her voice so that only Emily could hear her, "Will you come over tonight?"

There was something wrong - Emily could tell. But she decided to let it go. Derek was right - if she held on too tight she'd end up losing her anyway. She had to believe that JJ would tell her when she was ready.

"Yeah," Emily responded, matching her whisper. "Let me just get my things together and we can go."

That seemed to bring JJ some comfort. She watched as Emily organized her desk and packed her bag. JJ glanced down at the phone in her hand. It wasn't every day you got a call from the Pentagon.