I want to thank everyone who has reached out and reviewed my story. I love getting other's perspectives on these characters and my headcanon. Disclaimer: this is going to be a LONG one. Settle in folks…

CHAPTER TWENTY

6x18 Lauren

"That doesn't make sense. Why run? We can help, we're her family."

"Doyle is killing families!" Rossi interjected. "Emily's not married, not close to relatives. Doyle was ready to wipe us out. She ran to protect us."

Derek's stomach dropped. Doyle's killing families. He knew what he had to do. Hotch needed to know. Rossi was right - Emily wasn't married, she wasn't close to relatives, but there was one person who was in undeniable danger.

"Hotch, I need a word." Derek said, leaning in close to his boss so only he could hear him. Hotch glanced around at the rest of the team. Derek followed his gaze and Hotch waved him to follow. They quickly climbed the stairs into his office. Aaron closed the door and turned to Morgan.

"Hotch, I hope you know I don't take this lightly," Derek began, "But there's something you need to know."

Derek paused and took a deep breath. This was a secret he never planned on revealing. And he knew once he did, everything was going to change. But if it saved Emily - if it saved JJ - he could live with that.

"JJ and Emily - They're seeing each other."

There was a long moment of silence. Aaron's hard stare seared into Derek.

"How long has this been going on?"

"Awhile," Derek answered cryptically.

"How long have you known?" Hotch asked, brow furrowed and lips forming a hard line.

Derek shook his head, "Awhile…"

Hotch paused, unsure how to process this new information. He dropped his voice to just above a whisper. "Is it serious?"

"Very," Derek replied solemnly. "Look - I wouldn't have even told you but - if Doyle is trying to torture Emily -"

"JJ is in danger," Hotch finished his thought.

"Yeah…"

"Do you think it's possible that Emily told JJ about Doyle?" Hotch asked.

Derek shook his head sadly. The two men stared at each other. They knew what was coming next. Hotch quickly walked to his desk and picked up his phone, trying to prepare himself for the uncomfortable conversation he was about to have.

"There's a call for you from the BAU. Some kind of emergency involving Emily?"

JJ's stomach dropped. She felt panic rising quickly. She knew the hoops Hotch would've had to jump through to get in touch with her. It meant something was wrong. Really wrong. JJ's mind went to all the worst places. Emily facing down the barrel of a gun held by an unsub. She could practically see it in her head. See the blood. See the life leaving her eyes. She immediately left the tent.

Hotch filled her in as she boarded the jet. And once she started digging everything began to unravel. JJ's stomach turned, reading about her girlfriend's past. It felt wrong - like an invasion of privacy. Emily had a whole other life before the BAU. Before her. It made JJ feel small. She hadn't known about any of this. She was ready to marry this woman, and she didn't even know her.

JJ fought back those thoughts. Her first priority had to be saving Emily's life. Then she could worry about what this meant for them - if she had that privilege. Her finger glided over the black and white photo of Emily. She had bangs. She was younger. Emily looked different. Different - but just as beautiful. JJ swallowed back her emotion and closed the file. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the headrest of the plane.

"She's alive," JJ whispered to herself. "She's alive."

She was welcomed first by Derek's strong arms wrapping her in a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry, JJ," he whispered into her ear. All she could do was nod.

JJ briefed the team on what she was able to learn about Emily's past. Every few minutes she would make eye contact with Hotch and she could see it - he knew. Derek must've told him. But JJ wasn't angry. She couldn't be.

"How close did Emily get to Doyle as part of her cover?"

"The recon they did on Doyle included a background on all of his romantic relationships. Emily was his type."

Derek winced and avoided JJ's eyes. JJ felt sick. She didn't want to think about Emily with anyone else. Especially a murderer like Ian Doyle. No one like him deserved Emily. He didn't deserve to love her; didn't deserve to touch her. As far as JJ was concerned, he didn't deserve to breathe.

JJ had just arrived back in her old office when there was a knock on the door. It was surreal to be back in that room.

"JJ?" It was Hotch. He waited for her voice.

"Come in," JJ responded. Her voice was trembling badly. She didn't even try to hide the tears streaming down her cheeks. What was the point anymore?

"JJ… when you're ready - there's something I need you to do…"

He handed her a list of phone numbers.

Emily sat in a car on a dark street in Boston. Her phone dinged and she looked down. A voicemail from Penelope Garcia. Her finger hovered over the delete button. But then she brought the phone to her ear.

"Hey, Em, it's me."

Emily's breath hitched. She shut her eyes tightly and let out a quiet sob. It wasn't Penelope. It was JJ. And she knew that what she was about to hear was going to destory her.

"Hotch called. He told me what's going on. And I have this list of numbers to try. I know this is an old listing but - but if you're listening and you're out there, come home… please. God, Emily, what did you think? That we would just let you walk out of our lives? That I would let you walk out on us? I am so… I am so furious at you but I also know how scared you must be - taking on all of this on your own. I know you think that you need to do everything alone, but you don't. You are not alone anymore. Okay? You're not. I need you. So, come home, Emily. And if you can't then… then you stay alive. Because we're coming. I am coming. I love you..."

Emily dropped her arm. She couldn't hold back the sobs anymore. She brought a hand over her mouth and shook her head. She needed to focus. She was sick and tired of being afraid. It was time to take this fight to Ian.

"I've got an address," Garcia said quickly. Everyone got to their feet and left the conference room. JJ was almost out the door when Hotch reached out to block her from leaving. He closed the door to speak in private.

"JJ, you're not going."

"What?"

"You can't, JJ. You know that."

"I'm going Hotch. You can't stop me."

"Yes, I can. You can't stop you. But I can. And I will."

"You're one to talk. You didn't sit back and watch when Foyet was threatening your family."

"Yeah and look how that turned out," he countered quickly. JJ regretted her words immediately. She looked at her feet in shame.

"I won't go in. I'll wait outside. I won't even leave the car. But you have to let me come." JJ was begging. She hadn't seen Emily in over two months and this might be the last chance she ever had. If Hotch took that from her - she didn't know if she could ever forgive him.

"Fine. But JJ if you break your word, I'll have no choice but to write you up."

"Understood."

JJ's arms and legs felt heavy. Her sense of sound was muted as if she was underwater. As if none of this was real. She was listening to her team communicate over the radio but it seemed like their voices were miles away.

"I got her! I need a medic."

JJ stared at the radio in her hands. But it was silent. The seconds ticked away like hours. She watched in a haze as the medics ran into the building and came out with Emily on a stretcher. JJ opened the car door and stumbled to her feet. Hotch was right. She shouldn't have been there - because in that moment, nothing and no one could stop her from getting to Emily. Derek was still holding her hand. He was so focused on Emily he didn't notice JJ appear beside him. It wasn't until Emily muttered her name that Derek looked over. Without hesitation they both boarded the ambulance. The doors closed and they began to drive away.

She hadn't seen Emily in over 2 months and this was a sickening way to be reintroduced. Derek was forced to take his hands away from her. He wrapped his arms around JJ. She was shaking uncontrollably. Derek's steady arms helped. Emily was dying and there was nothing she could do to prevent it. The ride to the hospital was the worst 10 minutes of her life.

The rush of energy that JJ had just a few minutes ago had almost disappeared. She barely got herself out of the ambulance without stumbling. Derek rushed around the car and braced JJ.

"Come on."

She could smell Emily's blood on his hands and clothes. She was going to be sick. It took hours, but her body came down from the shock of what she just witnessed. Her heart was beating more regularly. She felt less jittery. And that's when it hit her - the anger. She immediately felt ashamed for even feeling that way to begin with. Emily could be dying somewhere at that very moment and JJ was angry. Betrayed and hurt and scared. But also angry.

Why hadn't she told her? Why did she always think she had to carry the weight of the world by herself? Had she really let JJ in? Really? Or was she just letting her see the parts she wanted her to? JJ was so tired of battling to just let her love her… Was she even going to say goodbye? Did she have any idea what would happen to JJ if she didn't pull through this? It would change who she was.

People moved on from tragedy all the time. But what would even be the point? Emily was the apex. She was the culmination of years of friendship and pining and confusion and anger and love. Emily was the reason JJ could make sense of the path in front of her. What would

"JJ," Hotch said just above a whisper. His face looked determined and hard with intensity. "We need to talk." Hotch led a feeble JJ down a quiet hallway, away from the others.

"What's going on, Hotch?"

"Doyle escaped. He's in the wind. So, if Emily pulls through, she will be in just as much danger as she was before. You as well."

JJ shook her head. She felt like she couldn't assimilate any more information. Her mind was already spinning. "I - I don't -" She closed her eyes and willed herself to focus on Hotch's words. "What are you saying, Hotch?"

"I'm saying, if Emily pulls through this, things can't go back to how they were before. I strongly believe she should be put in WITSEC."

"Witness protection? You want to send her away?"

"I want to protect her, JJ. While Doyle is out there, she's not safe."

"And what are we going to tell the others?"

"They can't know or Doyle will come after them too. This stays between us."

JJ looked at Hotch in confusion - and then it hit her. She followed Hotch's train of thought. She felt sick again. He was suggesting they lie to their friends. "Hotch, we can't do that to them! It'll destroy them."

"We have no choice."

It was jarring. Waking up in a completely new place. Slipping out of anesthesia. She was confused and tired and her whole world was a cloudy, blurry, dream. It was jarring. The dim light in the room hurt her eyes the first few times she tried to open them. She wanted to open them. She wanted to know what was going on. But the anesthesia was pulling at her.

JJ.

She was there - at the scene. At least she thought she was. Maybe that was a hallucination. She couldn't tell. But that was an image in her mind of JJ's face - horror in her eyes. It scared Emily. She didn't like seeing her like that. But now she was wearing sweatpants and a loose t shirt. How much time had passed? Days?

Time must have passed, but she couldn't tell how much. When she tried to open her eyes again, the light didn't bother her so much. The first thing she saw was the ceiling. Emily turned her head to the side. JJ. She was right there. Eyes closed, leaning back in the large, padded hospital chair. A wave of relief crashed over her. She was the person Emily wanted to see most at this moment. And she was okay. Emily closed her eyes again.

"I got your message."

JJ's eyes opened quickly. She leaned forward, staring intensely at her. Emily smiled grimly.

"What?" It came as a whisper. "Emily, hey. You awake?"

"What happened to Doyle?" She fully opened her eyes now. JJ's eyes dropped.

"He - he's gone, Em."

Emily turned her head to look back at the ceiling. She closed her eyes tightly. JJ tentatively reached for Emily's hand. JJ opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by a young nurse.

"Agent Prentiss, welcome back. Your body has been working very hard."

"When do you think I can get out of here?" Emily asked, causing JJ to shake her head in frustrated disbelief.

"Emily, don't think about that right now. You just woke up," JJ said pointedly.

"You should listen to your friend. Just try to rest. We'll reassess tomorrow. I'll be right back, okay?" With that the nurse was gone, and they were alone again.

JJ wasn't making eye contact with her. Emily felt uneasy looking at her girlfriend. She could see it right there in JJ's eyes: relief, happiness, love… and anger. What had Emily expected?

JJ stared at their hands, clasped together. She felt so conflicted and she hated it.

Damnit, Emily, sometimes it's not easy loving you this much.

Her own words rang in her head. JJ took in a deep breath. She would deal with her own feelings later. Right now was about making sure Emily got out of the country safely. "Emily there's something you need to know…"

Emily was relieved that JJ decided to accompany her on her trip to Paris. She was still having a hard time meeting her eyeline, but it gave Emily a great deal of comfort just to be in her presence. Emily stared at her from across the jet. Soon they would be in Paris - and they would have to go their separate ways. All Emily wanted was to make things right before JJ left. She stood and walked over to where JJ was sitting on the couch reading a magazine.

"JJ, can we please just talk?"

"I don't know what to say," she said dismissively. She sounded angry. Emily hadn't expected anything less. JJ dropped the magazine and met Emily's eyes. There was an agonizing silence before she finally said, "Do you know I watched you die? In that ambulance - I watched your heart stop. And now you're okay, and you're here, and I can finally breathe again but… You let me find out from Hotch. Over the phone. You didn't even have the decency to tell me yourself, Emily. So, while I'm relieved you're okay and I still love you more than -" She paused, unable to finish her sentence. "I'm just so angry."

"I was going to tell you," Emily responded quietly.

"Really? When? We've known each other for 5 years and it never came up," JJ replied sarcastically.

"I was scared, JJ."

JJ paused at this but her anger did not dissipate. "That's not enough." She replied, shaking her head and looking down at her lap. She sounded completely broken. "I know you love me. And I know you thought you were keeping me safe. But you don't get to decide when we're in this together and when we're not."

JJ's eyes were shining with tears when she finally looked at Emily again. The anger was fading a little - only to be replaced with anguish. It was somehow more painful seeing JJ like that. Her eyes pleaded with Emily - to make things right again. This was her chance.

"I was Lauren Reynolds eight years ago…" Emily paused. She didn't know if JJ wanted to hear this. And she also knew that this story was probably going to hurt JJ more. But she needed to hear it. Emily took her silence as an invitation to continue. "I used the best angle I had against Ian. And he fell in love with me."

JJ continued looking at Emily with a angonizing gaze. Emily couldn't continue. After a moment of silence, "You kept his ring all these years," JJ stated. "You loved him too."

Emily paused. Whenever she thought back to that time in her life, it was mostly bad memories. But there were good ones too. There was a blonde-haired boy's giggle. The joy of being a mother. And the feeling of being loved. But Emily knew now what profound love felt like. And whatever she had with Ian, it paled in comparison to JJ.

"I pretended to be someone for so long… There was a time I thought I might have," Emily admitted quietly. JJ furrowed her brow, swallowing hard. She felt her lip tremble. Hearing her girlfriend's admission that she might have once been in love with a criminal was not easy to hear. "But I am not Lauren Reynolds. And that wasn't love. I know that now."

The silence was painful. Emily didn't know whatelse she could say. Tears were rolling down her cheeks and she didn't even try to hide them anymore. JJ made no attempt to comfort her. She just sat in front of her, silent and stoic. Emily watched her jaw clench. She braced for the worst.

"I forgive you," JJ whispered.

"JJ -"

"Shut up," she interjected quickly. There was a moment of pause before she breathed, "Please." She sounded desperate. Emily let her speak. "It doesn't mean that I'm not still angry. You broke my trust - and I don't know if you can have it back yet." She turned her body so that they were face to face, but still not touching. "It just means I don't want to live without you."

JJ said it with such certainty that Emily couldn't respond. She could only sit there, shaking slightly. JJ grabbed her hand. Emily met JJ's eyes. She was still punishing herself - JJ could tell she was.

"Can I - will you -" Emily opened her arms, gesturing for JJ to come to her. JJ nodded silently and scooted closer to Emily. She laid her legs over Emily's lap, and rested her head on her on the couch cushion right next to Emily's shoulder. Close enough that she could touch her with the tip of her nose.

JJ drew mindless circles with her fingers up and down Emily's arm. "How's your pain?"

"I'm fine," Emily said automatically, like a practiced response. JJ met her eyes and raised her eyebrows. Emily smiled shyly. "It hurts," Emily finally admitted. "The first thing I'm doing when we get to Paris is having this removed." JJ watched as Emily lightly touched her chest where Ian had burned her. "How could a brand hurt more than getting staked?" Emily asked cynically. JJ winced at the thought.

"Maybe it's a psychosomatic itch you're scratching? The brand left an emotional toll, Doyle established dominance over you by marking you as his."

JJ wanted to throw up at her own words. Just the thought of Doyle touching Emily was enough to make her furious. She didn't want to think about him tying her down, taking her clothes off, and burning her. She focused on the pattern she was tracing on Emily's skin.

"The stake - I mean you overcame death. The ultimate victory over your foe. Why suffer a pain you're proud of?" Emily stared at her in silence. JJ was profiling her. And it wasn't just a party trick she picked up working at the BAU. It was more than that. Her girlfriend had changed over the past couple of months. It was obvious. "Or you could just get another tattoo," JJ added with a playful glint in her eye.

"Oh…" Emily said, rolling her eyes triedly.

"Yeah, something transformative, like a… a phoenix." JJ smiled, knowing how Emily would react to that suggestion. Emily rolled her eyes again and JJ laughed. "Or a blackbird," she added seriously.

"I love the song. But something tells me I shouldn't tread in your waters." JJ's face turned serious and she lifted her head to look at Emily, confused. "Come on, JJ," Emily continued. "Something's obviously different about you. You commandered an interpol jet. You're profiling me. That was more than just a transfer assignment."

JJ opened her mouth but couldn't answer her. She dropped her eyes.

"Oh, I know that look. The 'I can't trust anyone but myself' look. I invented it."

"Do you ever feel like you're in way over your head?"

Emily nodded quietly.

A comfortable silence fell between them. JJ leaned her head against the couch cushion and Emily turned hers so they could just look at each other. Emily studied JJ's eyes, trying her best to memorize the different color blues. Trying to burn a mental image in her head that would remain there even long after JJ left her in Paris. JJ held eye contact. She was clearly still upset - but she didn't look away. Emily didn't deserve her. She had known that from the beginning, but now it was more evident than ever. But she held her hand anyway.