CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

9x09 Strange Fruit

"Are you sure we shouldn't say anything?"

"Positive."

"People think we're having an affair," JJ whispered.

"You mean Emily?"

"Can't we just say we're on assignment?" She asked, ignoring his question.

"No one can know. What are you afraid of?"

JJ huffed. What was she afraid of? Where to start?

"The stares, the whispers. Spence has been asking me questions. Rossi's been onto us from day one. And Emily -"

She didn't know what to think about Emily. She hadn't confronted her about it - but JJ knew she'd noticed. And JJ had caught her staring at her. JJ hated this. The last thing she wanted was for people to think that she was the kind of person who would cheat on her wife. And so blatantly, right in front of her face.

Penelope interrupted their conversation and Matt awkwardly exited the conversation. Penelope glanced between them.

Her timing wasn't great. Was it ever? Emily stared at her from across the bullpen. Emily knew there was something going on with JJ. She could tell she was keeping secrets. Something to do with Cruz. She heard the whispers - she knew that people thought JJ was cheating on her. But she didn't entertain their gossip. She knew JJ too well. And yet - something was going on.

That was one reason she was staring. But there was something else too. She couldn't help it. She was trying to work up the courage to confront a growing desire. Emily had denied it for a couple of weeks but the feeling only got stronger. Finally she admitted it to herself - she wanted a baby. It was clouding her mind. And whenever she looked at JJ the desire only grew stronger.

Yeah - her timing wasn't great.

"Hey Prentiss, I think you have a little…" Derek rubbed his fingers at the edge of his mouth. "Drool?" He said with a smirk.

"Oh -" Emily said, rolling her eyes and giving him a death glare. JJ spun around in her chair when she heard Emily's name. She sauntered over to Emily's desk as Derek sat down next to them.

"You staring at me, babe?" She asked with an infatuated smile.

Emily could see they were both ganging up on her. There was no good way out of this. Her eyes darted between Morgan and JJ. "I hate you both," she finally muttered. But there was a sparkle in JJ's eyes that made Emily blush.

"Love you too," JJ said playfully. Derek grinned and shook his head a little.

She watched as JJ went back to her work, before going back to her own papers. It was true - she had been staring at JJ more than usual. It wasn't just her wife's striking beauty. She found her captivating in every way. The way her brow furrowed when she was thinking hard. Or how she would click her pen three times instead of one. The way her hair fell in front of her when she leaned over her papers. She wanted to start a family. She wanted JJ to be a mother. She wanted to see the look in her wife's eyes when she looked at their child.

But something was going on with her. It was making everything more complicated.

Emily walked slowly into Derek's office. He stopped writing when he saw her. Emily closed the door behind her.

"There's something going on with JJ."

"You mean with Cruz," Derek said blatantly. Emily looked frozen to her spot. She dropped her eyes.

"I love her and I trust her, but -"

Derek narrowed his eyes. There was something more. Something Emily wasn't saying. He'd known her long enough to see it.

"But there's something else…?"

"Yeah… There's something I need to ask her. It's important, Derek. And I don't know what to do."

Derek stood and walked around his desk. Emily looked so sad. He sat on the edge of his desk.

"I don't know what's going on with her, but I do know how she feels about you. I think I knew before she even did. I know she'd never do anything to purposely hurt you. Whatever it is, you should ask her."

JJ glanced at her wife nervously. Emily was staring at her again. Staring with an odd look. She'd been doing that a lot more lately. JJ's mind was thrown into overdrive. Had Emily finally had enough of the whispers? The gossip? JJ knew she had a closed door meeting with Morgan - Had Emily jumped to the wrong conclusion? Did she believe what everyone else did?

"Jay - can we talk about something?" JJ turned her head briefly before focusing back on the dishes she was washing.

"Yeah," she said with forced casualness.

"Jennifer, look at me."

Jennifer. Emily only used her full name when she was serious about something. She called her Jennifer sometimes before she told her she loved her. Or sometimes, when she held her, voice thick with devotion - but she also called her Jennifer when she was angry. She couldn't tell which it was this time.

JJ stopped her hands and turned the water off. She was ready to confess. This was the moment she'd been dreading. Because she knew that she couldn't explain it. And Emily would be left with nothing to go on except to think the worst. JJ dried her hands on a towel and turned to face her wife. Emily walked over to her slowly. She looked nervous - like she didn't know what she wanted to say.

"What's going on with you and Cruz?" JJ froze. Her stomach dropped. Emily noticed the change in her demeanor. It didn't make her feel better. "Look - I know what people have been saying -"

"It's not true," JJ interrupted quickly. Emily narrowed her eyes a little.

"Then what is the truth?"

"I can't tell you." Her voice was so small she sounded like a child. Emily's jaw tightened and she looked away. JJ felt it in her bones. She wanted to tell her so badly it was agonizing.

"I need more than that," Emily said, shaking her head. She wished she didn't need more. But she did.

"Em… I can't tell you."

There was a long stretch of silence between them. JJ wondered if this was worth it. Seeing the betrayal on Emily's face had to be worse than any punishment the bureau could throw at her.

"Okay," Emily said flatly, obviously unhappy with JJ's answer. "Then I guess we're at an impasse."

"What does that mean?"

"Jay, I've been thinking a lot." JJ stared at her blankly. Her mind jumped to the worst conclusions. If she didn't know better she'd think this was a break up. It sounded like one. "I want to have a baby." Emily blurted out.

Everything in JJ's mind shifted. That was certainly not what she was expecting - but it awoke an indefinable feeling in her. Emily wanted a baby. Her baby. The image of Emily holding their child entered her head again. It was something JJ had wanted for years now. She wanted to give Emily that. Maybe even before she knew she wanted it to be their baby. Before they were even together. Ever since the case where JJ had noticed how much Emily longed to be a mother.

Emily frowned and dropped her eyes. JJ took a step forward and brought her hands to frame Emily's face. Tears were brimming in JJ's eyes. The love she felt for this woman was esoteric. Just when she thought she had a grasp on her feelings for Emily, she said something like that. And JJ found herself humbled by the perplexities of life.

"I love you so much," JJ avowed in a breathy whisper. A cautious look spread across Emily's face. She saw the earnestness in JJ's eyes. She knew JJ loved her. But she didn't know if she could do this when JJ was keeping secrets. Emily brought her hands to cover JJ's. She gently pulled them away and lowered them. It felt like a punch to the gut.

"Em -" JJ began desperately.

"I trust you," Emily cut her off quickly. Emily was telling the truth, but JJ could see this was tearing her apart.

"Emily, I don't want you to think I'm being casual about the promise I made you."

"I didn't realize you made me a promise…" She replied slowly. Emily was right - JJ never verbalized it, but she'd made it long ago. On the plane back from Paris. JJ took in a breath and fought back the lump forming in her throat.

"Well I'm making one right now." JJ started. Her voice had dropped to a whisper. Emily stared at her attentively. "I promise that I share your values - about family and faithfulness. That I love you - absolutely. And that you will never be alone."

Emily's eyes softened. She took an apprehensive step towards JJ. She was choosing to lean in. She was choosing to trust. To give away her love.

"So, is that a yes?" Emily asked flatly. But there was a hint of her usual sarcasm. JJ thought she saw a glint in her eyes. It made her feel better.

JJ smiled painfully and sighed in relief. "Yes…"

There was another moment of hesitation, but then Emily encircled her arms around JJ's waist and pulled her in slowly. JJ was watching her carefully. Relief didn't begin to describe this feeling. This was the only time she'd ever thought Emily might actually leave her and it was the single worst feeling she'd ever felt. JJ swallowed thickly before following Emily's lead and carefully wrapping her arms around her.

It was Emily who leaned in first. JJ murmured words of affection against her lips. Emily laughed timidly at JJ's outpouring of attention and leaned away from her. "Easy there," Emily said with a smirk. JJ pulled back and grinned sheepishly at her wife. She leaned her head to the side, watching Emily carefully, and tried her best to soak in this moment.

"You're going to be an incredible mother," JJ said dreamily. But uncertainty flashed in Emily's eyes. Sometimes she felt like JJ had too much faith in her. If Emily was decent and honorable - she turned out that way in spite of her upbringing - not because of it. But JJ thought she always sold herself short.

"Let's go upstairs," JJ said in a deep voice. She leaned back in, kissing Emily's jaw and then her neck with slow deliberation. Emily could feel JJ's tongue against her skin. She raised her eyebrows and laughed in surprise.

"You do realize that we cannot make a baby tonight, right?"

"Doesn't mean I can't show you how I would if we could," JJ replied. Her voice sounded closer to a growl than a whisper. Emily felt her knees go weak.

"Wow. If I had known this was such a turn-on I would've have played this card a long time ago," Emily said chuckling. JJ pulled back and squeezed Emily's arms regardfully. She started walking backwards, pulling Emily out of the kitchen.

"You don't want to finish those?" Emily asked sarcastically, gesturing towards the sink. JJ glanced at the dishes. She grinned and shook her head. JJ hit the light switch and took Emily's hand.

"Which one of us?" JJ asked quietly. She was distracted, playing with one of Emily's hands. She tried to ask casually but she was dying to know what Emily was thinking. They were lying quietly in bed together. This was Emily's favorite version of her wife. And it wasn't about the sex. Not really. It was about the moment after. It was about the peace.

"I don't know…" Emily answered. She was looking off into the darkness of their room. She felt a little dazed by the evening's events. JJ considered her own question before shifting to rest on her elbows and look down at Emily.

"I want to do it…"

Emily zoned back in to focus on JJ. A seriousness washed across her face. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah… I want to do it." JJ smiled plainly. "If that's okay with you?" Emily studied JJ. Her eyes were absentmindedly gliding over her. But she looked calm - she looked at peace. Emily smiled faintly as she watched. She wondered if JJ would ever truly understand the profundity of her love for her. She'd already given Emily a happiness she'd never thought she'd have. And now she was going to give her a family.

"What?" JJ questioned. Emily leaned in and kissed her. JJ responded, happily kissing her back.

"So, is that a yes?" JJ asked, repeating Emily's words from earlier.