CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

10x11 The Forever People

JJ sat in the locker room, wrapping her bleeding hand in gauze. She wanted to be okay. She wanted to be okay so badly that she was becoming reckless. Every punch flashed her back to that day. Back to fighting for her life - back to hanging powerless by her wrists unable to fight against her assault. "I know exactly how to get what I want." She could see his face. She could feel his hands - feel the pain in her arms. She was reliving the worst day of her life - but this time, she wasn't powerless. This time she could fight. Emily would've been pissed if she was there. But she wasn't there.

JJ hung her head. She was angry and frustrated. And she missed Emily. Her cell phone chimed. They had a case. She stood and pulled her shirt up to wipe the sweat off her face. JJ glanced down at the scar on her stomach. The maschocist in her sometimes wondered if there was a single blow that led to her miscarriage… if she had been spared a couple volts of electrocution - would things have turned out differently? It had almost been a year. Ten months now. And it wasn't lost on JJ that had it never happened, she and Emily would be parents now. And she wouldn't feel this way. She reached out and slammed the locker door violently. She was supposed to be getting better. But she felt more stuck than ever. She just wanted to get past this.

JJ felt like she was regressing. Everywhere she looked, she saw something that reminded her. It didn't seem fair that she got to live in a world where her baby did not.

"Hey - did I do something to upset you?"

JJ's eyes focused back in. It was Kate who had asked, but JJ had barely registered it. JJ looked to her with a fiery intensity. "What makes you think that?"

"I'm a profiler," she said, simply. She was nervous until JJ smiled genuinely.

"It's not you - I just have something on my mind," She said. Kate glanced down at JJ's hands. One was wrapped in a thick bandage. With it, she was anxiously spinning the wedding ring on her other hand.

"Your husband?"

JJ's eyes snapped up to meet Kate's. She held her face inscrutable. "Uh - no."

Kate looked at JJ awkwardly. This conversation was going worse than she'd hoped. Kate closed her eyes briefly in embarrassment. "Oh - I'm sorry, I just assumed - because your rings…"

"It's okay," JJ responded, easing some of Kate's unease. JJ smiled and turned to look out the jet window. "For the record, I do like you."

Going to the morgue wasn't making her day any easier. She stared at the woman on the table. "Take your time, Matt. I've been thinking about this for years." She binked, and the woman on the table transformed. JJ was staring at herself. Dead, cold, lifeless. She couldn't look away. She was transfixed.

Is this what Emily would've had to do? Had she died that day… JJ shuddered imagining the look in her wife's eyes as they pulled the white sheet back. Would she have cried? Or would her grief keep her stoic? The doctor came into the room and JJ finally looked away. When she turned back the woman had come back. JJ closed her eyes briefly before walking out of the room.

"We couldn't find you. Morgan and Kate are going. And I've been waiting here for 24 minutes and 18 seconds, so that maybe we can finally talk about what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong. I'm fine."

She began walking down the hallway. She just wanted to get away from him. She needed to - because if she didn't, he would see right through her. And she would break down.

"You're not fine. You're obviously displaying symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, which absolutely makes sense. We're coming up on a year since your abduction and torture, and anniversary dates have a power all their own. Not to mention that fact that seasonal weather changes bring back smells that you probably now can only associate with the initial event. All that I'm saying is that what you're going through is entirely textbook."

JJ stopped and glanced around nervously. There were too many people in the busy precinct to talk about this. "In here," she said, waving him away. They quickly ducked into a private room and JJ shut the door. "Stop it. Stop it. Stop doing that. Stop… being you."

"I can't help it."

"Yes, you can. You can. You think you know what's going on, but you don't."

JJ didn't know if she wanted to tell him. For some reason she felt ashamed - like she was still blaming herself for what happened. Like she failed as a mother. She didn't protect her baby.

"Well, then explain it to me, JJ. Because all I know is my friend is hurting, and when I see her in pain, I want to make it stop."

"All right. All right. Give me a word."

"A word?"

"A term. A label. Something that explains what I have, because it is bigger than PTSD, and right now that word is Tivon. Tivon Askari."

"The man who tortured you."

"No. No, he was more than that. He was my partner in Afghanistan. I didn't - I didn't know he was a -"

"Double agent. I know, I read the file. Listen, JJ, you cannot blame yourself for that."

"I was pregnant," she whispered. "That day… the day he took me." Spencer stood silent. JJ could barely stand to look at him. The look in his eyes was exactly what she had expected. That's why she didn't want anyone to know. "You see, if I had never gotten involved, Emily and I would have…"

She didn't finish her sentence. It was taking all of her effort to hold herself together. JJ took a deep breath.

"I can't let this go. I can't. What is the word for that, Spence?"

"I don't know."

JJ smiled painfully. That was what she was afraid of. Because she didn't have an answer either. And if Spencer Reid couldn't find an answer, then there probably wasn't one.

"This stays between us. Okay?" JJ wiped the tears out of her eyes and tried her best to relax. She smiled through her tears. Then she turned and left.

Kate Callahan looked apprehensively over at Derek. She was deciding whether she wanted to ask the question. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

Derek looked over at his new colleague in the passenger's seat. "Shoot."

"Have you noticed something going on with JJ?" Derek turned to gaze at Kate, but stayed quiet. "I know I'm the new guy but, come on, you see it right?"

"I think she misses Prentiss." Derek responded.

He knew that wasn't the only thing. She was struggling - and while it probably didn't help that Emily was gone, that wasn't the reason. Kate paused at that. She considered Morgan's comment.

"They're pretty close, huh?" Derek grinned and chuckled a little. "What?" She asked, a nervous smile creeping onto her face.

"If you call marriage pretty close, then yeah, they're pretty close."

Kate's eyes went wide before she closed them and brought a hand to cover her eyes. "Oh my god…" Derek chuckled at her reaction. "I asked her about her husband," Kate groaned in embarrassment.

"Don't sweat it, Callahan. Most people don't know. They're pretty private people." They were both quiet for a long moment. "But I do see it," Derek murmured quietly. "JJ went through some pretty dark stuff about a year ago. It comes in waves - she's just not the kind to broadcast that she's struggling. But we're all looking out."

Kate nodded solemnly. She liked Derek. He was a good guy. Fiercely loyal - unapologetically dedicated.

"Feeling any better?"

"Sorry?"

"I thought maybe reuniting a family would…"

"Oh… no. I'm glad I did my job, but this doesn't go away because of some surrogate. You know who does think that way?"

"Serial killers?"

"Yeah," JJ said with a forced smile. Spencer laughed a little as JJ walked past him.

"I, uh, I couldn't find that word you asked for, but I also didn't want it to be Tivon Askari anymore. So I called Emily." JJ's eyes went wide and she opened her mouth to protest but Spencer continued. "I just asked her to pull any extra background intel she could from Interpol. Apparently people are much more willing to talk about a terrorist once he's dead. Anyway, it's in your old office in case you wanted some privacy. You don't have to look at it if you don't want. Good night." He began to walk away.

"Spence," she started. He turned and she opened her mouth, but no words came out. The tears in her eyes were making him blurry. He nodded knowingly and turned to walk away.

JJ watched him disappear around the corner and then turned her attention to the door of her old office. The light was on. That was odd. And there was a shadow moving around too. There was someone in there. And JJ knew exactly who it was. Her eyes softened and she made a beeline for the office. She paused outside of the door and then turned the handle tentatively. The door swung open and she let a breath out. She let the door close behind her.

Emily was sitting casually behind the desk in JJ's old office chair. The desk was empty except for a file folder. JJ looked up from the folder to her wife. In her eyes, a spark of electricity crackled as they fell on JJ for the first time in two weeks. But there was something else there. There was a sadness - a look of condolence. Emily stood quickly, walked around the desk and enveloped her in a hug. JJ hugged her back and sighed. She closed her eyes, thankful for the unparalleled security that she only felt with Emily.

"Spencer called…" Emily began. JJ pulled out of embrace.

"Please tell me you did not come home early just for this," JJ sighed, a little embarrassed.

"I didn't. I actually stayed an extra day to put this together," she gestured to the file on the desk. JJ glanced at the file again and she felt the emotion welling up again. She pulled out of Emily's arms and turned away briefly, trying to hide her tears. Emily knew JJ felt embarrassed by her trauma - by her fear. But she shouldn't be. She had no idea how much Emily admired her strength. She took a breath in, "I'll let you have some privacy."

Emily confidently approached her wife again and kissed the side of her head lovingly. JJ looked back up and held eye contact. She felt Emily's hand stroke her cheek briefly. "I'll see you at home," she whispered, turning to the door and walking through it. But before it closed, she stopped. She looked contemplative. "JJ - sometimes it's good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose."

JJ felt Emily's words sink in. She smiled tightly. Emily turned and was gone. JJ turned back to the desk. Another tear ran down her cheek - this time she let it fall. She sat down tentatively and hesitated as she reached out to open the file.

He survived as a homeless child from ages seven to nine. He was raped for the first time at the age of ten.

JJ threw the file closed quickly. She didn't know if she wanted to read that. She didn't want to see him as a victim. She didn't want to humanize him. She didn't want to think about the horrors that an innocent ten-year-old boy must've seen to turn him into the man she knew. She reached out and opened the file again. She kept reading, shaking.

And then, just like the morgue, suddenly the chair in front of her transformed. It was no longer empty. She was staring down Tivon Askari.

"You broke me," JJ mumbled to the empty room.

"Oh, no. I bent you. I wanted to do so much worse."

"You took my baby," JJ breathed through her clenched teeth. She was seething. The tears were streaming down her face. She felt so angry.

"Yes. I did. And it pleased me greatly."

"Why am I not past you? For months I've been fine."

"Have you?"

"What do you want from me? I have nothing left. You've taken everything."

"Oh, Jennifer, there is so much more I'm going to take. First, I'm going to take your sleep. Then, your smile. I won't let you feel safe anywhere. So I'll take your job. And finally, I will transform you so that your wife and your team won't recognize you anymore."

JJ shook her head, "You can't. I won't let you." The thought of doing that to Emily felt like a tear in her chest.

"You already are. Think about the risk you took at that freezer. You had no idea that the gas would ignite or not. It was dumb luck that you got out of there alive. Either you try that again… and I will watch you kill yourself, or you will quit… and I will watch you wither and fade. Either way, I win."

JJ closed her eyes. He was right about the freezer. She pulled the trigger and if she was completely honest with herself, she didn't care what happened. But she didn't think she was trying to kill herself. She never saw it that way. She was just in so much pain. It hurt all the time now - it wasn't fading, it felt like it was intensifying. Still, Askari was right - she was being reckless. And if she wasn't careful she would destroy herself. She would turn into someone that Emily couldn't recognize. And she couldn't lose her. She wouldn't survive.

"No."

"Yes."

JJ hit the desk angrily and her eyes snapped open, fury burning in them.

"No!" And he was gone. JJ breathed shakily and did her best to collect herself. She wiped the tears away from her eyes. "No." She said to herself.

JJ opened the door and walked into the house. Emily had been home for over an hour waiting for her. She smiled at the thought. The way that Emily loved her - just when she thought she understood the depths of which she did, Emily pulled the rug out from under her. And she was falling again. JJ stood in the entrance way for a couple of minutes feeling the warmth of peace. She had every intention of soaking it in.

She walked in a daze through their house and towards the room she knew she would find her wife waiting for her. Suddenly, the urge to get to her had become overpowering. JJ opened the door softly to find her sitting at her desk working on her computer. When Emily heard the door swing on its hinges she spun around in her chair.

JJ was gorgeous. Granted, to Emily she always was gorgeous, but there was something in her eyes that was shining differently tonight. It was captivating. It was as if the woman she had left at the BAU an hour ago was gone - transformed. It gave Emily pause. But not JJ. She was making her way over to her with that enchanting look in her eyes. Emily stood and swallowed as JJ reached a hand out to cup her face before leaning in and kissing her softly. JJ kept the kisses light and chaste. She was barely brushing her lips across Emily's.

"Thank you…" she murmured into her lips. Emily's arms wrapped carefully around JJ. When Emily put that file together, she didn't know what was going to happen - if JJ was going to be upset with her or angry… She didn't know if JJ was even going to read it. But whatever this reaction was - it was different than what she expected.

JJ was getting lost in Emily's presence. She hadn't realized how much she missed her. JJ continued whispering words of devotion, kissing her purposefully. She pulled back to gaze at Emily. JJ smiled at the look she saw shining back at her. Emily was slightly flushed, her eyes awash with wordless desire.

It seemed as though Emily was asking her silently if she was okay. JJ nodded faintly. She looked in love. But more than that - she looked determined. And unequivocally devoted. Emily wondered if she'd ever get used to the look of adoration in her wife's eyes. Would that ever cease to intoxicate her? She hoped not. JJ closed her eyes and brought her forehead to lean against Emily's.

"I'm ready," she said softly. At first, Emily didn't know what she meant. But then it hit her. She felt her heart react to the meaning behind JJ's words. Emily pulled her head back, searching her eyes. There was a beautiful look of serenity and acceptance that fell over JJ's features. She smiled tenderly. "I'm ready," she repeated in a ghost of a whisper.

Emily began to grin.

"Except -" JJ began, looking anxious for the first time all evening, "I'm so scared…" She admitted quietly. Emily smiled regardfully.

"Me too."