CHAPTER SIXTY-FOUR

15x01 Under The Skin

Three weeks.

It had been three weeks since Dave's wedding. Since JJ and Spencer had been held at gunpoint. Since Emily told her she also wanted to try for another baby. Since she told Spencer she loved him…

She wished she'd never said it. She wished she'd just lied. She should have just lied - come up with something else to distract Casey. But as it was - JJ had to live with the mess she'd made. Spencer had been distant for weeks. He wasn't mad at her - he was just… removed. And every time Emily brought it up, JJ didn't have the nerve to tell her why he was acting that way. She didn't know how. She'd rather suffer in silence than hurt Emily. She was being a coward. This wasn't her. This wasn't the kind of person she ever wanted to be. And it certainly wasn't the kind of wife she wanted to be.

Emily couldn't understand JJ's sudden hesitation about having a baby. That, coupled with Spencer's odd behavior, and Emily suspected something had happened. And maybe she didn't really want to know. But still, it couldn't go on like this for much longer. They both knew it.

JJ was still putting in her earrings when she walked into the kitchen. She found her wife already running around fixing breakfast for herself and for their children. Emily glanced up at her before reaching for a travel mug of coffee and handing it to JJ.

"Light and sweet," Emily said softly. She had made it exactly the way JJ liked it. An appreciative smile crept across JJ's face as she watched Emily continue to move around quickly. She reached out and gently grabbed her forearm to get her attention.

"Thank you," she breathed softly, leaning in to kiss her chastely. She kissed her back, but Emily didn't say anything. And her face was unreadable. But her eyes did a once over of JJ's face, as if to gauge the interaction. "Do we have a case?"

"Yeah. Garcia called me about ten minutes ago. So much for the relaxing morning," Emily replied. "We're gonna have to bring Michael and Henry in with us too."

Then JJ remembered. Both her mother and Derek were out of town. She let out a sigh. "Damn it, I forgot," she muttered under her breath. JJ turned to go get a bag ready for work, but Emily stopped her.

"Jay." She said it like a statement. JJ turned around. "I know we have a case right now, but when we close it… I need you to tell me what's going on." She said sternly. JJ dropped her eyes for a brief moment before looking back at Emily's again.

"MJ!" JJ felt Michael collide with the back of her legs and wrap his arms around her legs. JJ turned and quickly picked up Michael, surprising him and making him giggle.

"How's my baby?" JJ asked Michael, tickling him a little. JJ looked back to Emily. She was watching them with a starry-eyed look. Emily's eyes drifted up from Michael, back to JJ's. JJ nodded reassuringly. "I promise," she said, answering Emily.

Emily paired JJ and Spencer up in the field. She wasn't sure what possessed her to do it. Maybe it was because she was quickly becoming frustrated with JJ pretending like she didn't notice Spencer's absence in their lives. That only made it more apparent that something was wrong. And it hurt her.

Emily felt JJ's eyes on her. Of course, she was giving out orders - everyone was looking at her. But Emily could feel her wife's. Emily didn't miss a beat. She turned and left the room, striding back to her office and closing the door.

JJ was watching her sleep. She'd made a habit of it lately. Waking up in the middle of the night and watching her breathe. Sometimes she watched until the alarm went off. She'd even gotten used to the peculiar jumble of relief and further guilt. But in the silence of the night, JJ felt like Emily was still hers to hold.

JJ studied Emily's features. JJ was on her side but Emily was sleeping on her back. She was breathing slowly and steadily. JJ's mouth formed a hard line. She was going to tell her. It didn't matter that it had been three weeks. It didn't matter that Spencer had insisted they were fine. Her conscience wasn't decided by majority rule. She was going to tell her. JJ leaned in and rested her forehead against her wife's arm.

It had been 13 years since they'd last split up in the field. And after what happened to him, she made him promise to never do it again. She'd almost lost him that day. It would've been her fault if she had. Perhaps she'd let herself get comfortable in those 13 years. Let herself believe she had it all under control. She was a senior FBI agent after all.

But as a senior FBI agent, she should've known not to take her eyes off of them. She shouldn't have underestimated the girl. JJ felt the bullets rip through her abdomen. She had turned in just the right way for them to miss her vest.

JJ hit the ground hard and ungracefully. They shouldn't have split up.