CHAPTER SIXTY-SIX

15x03 Spectator Slowing

"Good night, you two. Sleep tight."

"Good night, Mommy."

JJ closed the door softly and stood there for an extra moment. She turned and walked down the stairs slowly, brow furrowed in concern. Sandy Jareau was sitting, reading on the couch. JJ walked over to her and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Mom, did you and the boys talk about Rosalyn this evening?"

"Yeah, a little bit. They saw a picture of her and they asked."

"Uh-huh, and you told them she was dead?"

"No. No. I explained to them that she was gone, that she went to a better place."

JJ flexed her jaw in annoyance. "Okay, well Henry just asked if we could go visit her in this better place. Mom, I can't believe you told them without even discussing it with me."

"I didn't go into details."

"It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter. Emily and I have discussed this, at length, okay? We decided that we would wait until they were old enough to… broach the subject." She said angrily. Sandy narrowed her eyes. She stood to match her daughter's posture.

"We don't need to talk in code. Roz killed herself, and now I see you making the same mistakes your father and I made."

"What are you talking about?" JJ spat out.

"For years we kept our heads in the sand about Rosalyn, ignored the warning signs. Maybe, maybe if we had just dealt with her problems head-on, she'd still be with us."

"You're an adult. Henry and Michael… they are children. There is a big difference."

"I don't see how the truth harms anyone, adults or children."

"Okay, so what am I supposed to tell them if they ask how she -"

JJ felt her cell phone begin vibrating in her hand. She looked down at it quickly. It was Emily. She sighed. JJ had hoped that Emily would actually make it home that evening. She brought the phone to her ear.

"Hey," she said, turning her back on her mother and walking a couple steps into the hallway. Soon she hung up and walked back into the living room. "I gotta go. It's work."

Sandy nodded, knowingly. "Go. We're fine here."

"Mom… Do not say anything more to them about Roz. Please." JJ said sternly. She was trying to keep herself from yelling at her mother this late at night.

"I won't. Don't worry. Avoidance is what this family does best, anyhow."

JJ opened her mouth to argue back but decided against it. She didn't know what to make of that last comment. If she had the time, she might have asked, but she couldn't. She had to get to work.

"I'm sure she meant well…" Emily mumbled absentmindedly. She was opening draws, and shuffling papers around looking for her glasses. JJ had been ranting, pacing back and forth in Emily's office.

"No. You know it's not even…" JJ shook her head, annoyed. "She thinks we don't know how to raise our kids! And you know she'll blame it on the long hours we work…" Emily had found her glasses and put them away in their case. She walked over to her office door, closing it. Then to the window and screwing the blinds closed tightly. The sudden privacy made JJ stop pacing. She turned and faced her wife.

"Maybe it is time to tell them, Jay," Emily said softly. JJ narrowed her eyes.

"Whose side are you on?" An unreadable look fell across Emily's face. She looked serious.

"Yours," Emily answered a little defensively. As if it hurt her that JJ ever thought otherwise. JJ felt slightly ashamed. She sighed and leaned against the side of the desk.

"My mother believes that children shouldn't be shielded from the realities of the world. I do." There was a moment of silence before she added in a whisper, "Now that we have kids, I can't even imagine what my parents must have gone through with Roz… You're not supposed to out-live your kids…"

The weight of that statement hung in the air for a moment. The thought of burying her children made Emily want to die herself. She shook the thought away, taking a breath in and walking towards where JJ was standing.

"I will do whatever you think is right," Emily said very deliberately. It made JJ smile - her earnestness. JJ pulled her in for a hug. Emily hugged her back tightly until she heard JJ wince a little bit. Emily pulled back quickly, looking at her with worried eyes. JJ shook her head. She already knew what Emily was going to say. "You know how long a surgical scar takes to heal. Are you sure you don't want more time?"

"Emily. I am going insane sitting at that desk. I need to be in the field."

"Yeah, I know," she smiled back.

"And, you know, as soon as I'm cleared we can…"

"Yeah, I know," Emily said again. JJ watched her blush.

JJ began backing out of the office slowly, holding eye contact. She smiled at Emily and chuckled a little as she reached for the door and left. Emily stood for an extra moment smiling at the place her wife had just been. As soon as she was cleared…

They were going to try for another baby. They'd talked about it again after JJ had been shot. Talked about the nature of their jobs. The inherent danger they were in every single day. But the feeling hadn't gone away for either of them.

When she appeared in the doorway, Emily was already in bed, sitting up reading a book. JJ leaned against the door frame and stared at her for a moment. Emily was wearing her glasses. All JJ could do was shake her head. After insisting she didn't need them for nearly a year, and holding papers at arm's length, Emily finally broke down and got a pair. Her wife could be so stubborn at times.

JJ's mind drifted back to her children sleeping peacefully down the hall. Perhaps her mother had been correct. She couldn't tell them everything - they wouldn't understand. But she did her best to explain it. And it took a huge weight off her shoulders. A weight she didn't even know she was carrying until she let it go. JJ pushed herself off the door frame and padded her way towards Emily. She sat on the edge of their bed and gently took the book out of Emily's hands.

"Jay, I didn't mark the -" Emily began saying as JJ closed the book and put it down on the nightstand, "page." Emily finished her sentence dejectedly. JJ just smiled at her. Emily glanced at her wife and did a double take. There was something in the way she was smiling at her that made Emily curious and slightly amused. She reached to take off her glasses but JJ stopped her.

"No no, no. Don't take those off." Emily slowly put her arm down and gave JJ a questioning look. There was a twinkle in JJ's eyes - like she was teasing her. Emily raised an eyebrow at her.

"What is this…?" Emily asked slowly. A hesitant smile was creeping across her face. JJ leaned in and kissed her softly. She pulled back and tucked some hair behind Emily's ear before kissing her again. "Oh," Emily said, evidently realizing what JJ was getting at. "So you…?"

"Oh yeah. Mm-hm," JJ answered humorously. Emily couldn't help laughing a little, a grin spreading across her face. JJ leaned in to kiss her again. Her lips were barely touching Emily's. Teasing her with her proximity. "It's the glasses," she added, between light kisses. Emily pulled back.

"What…?"

"Yeah…" She said, nodding her head with an enamored smile, "I don't know why, but god - it really is."

"Well, if I had known that earlier I probably wouldn't have put it off so long," Emily said back. She watched as JJ pulled the covers back. Emily moved the pillow behind her so she could lay down, pulling JJ with her.

"See this is why you should just do what I say," JJ replied sarcastically. She used one hand to gently spread Emily's legs, settling between them. JJ lowered herself and Emily welcomed the gentle weight of her body. Her hands came to rest on JJ's hips, then moved up under her t-shirt. JJ kissed her again, this time much deeper - Emily felt her tongue on her bottom lip - felt her heart rate increase. An exhilaration that only JJ gave her. Without fail - even after eight years of marriage.

"Jay, are you sure you're okay?" Emily asked as JJ's lips kissed down her jaw and under her ear. Emily shivered as she kissed her there. JJ smiled at the feeling of Emily's legs involuntarily tightening around her hips.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure," she replied sarcastically. Her breath fell across Emily's neck, causing her to shiver again.

"Let me see it," Emily insisted. She gently pushed JJ back up. JJ reluctantly complied with a sigh. She knew Emily meant well, but she didn't want to stop kissing her. Emily reached for the hem of her wife's shirt. JJ helped take it off the rest of the way. She threw it to the side. Emily touched her tenderly. JJ twisted slightly and lifted her arm so she could see the scar. Emily ran a delicate hand over the wound, glancing up at JJ every couple of seconds to make sure she wasn't hurting her.

It looked better - not nearly as red anymore. Emily's fingers glided over the place where the bullet hit her. An unnaturally circular, white scar. On Emily's face was a look of incredible intensity. JJ watched her for a moment before reaching for Emily's hand, removing it from her skin. JJ pinned both of them above her head.

"I'm fine," she insisted quietly. Emily relaxed a little and gazed up at JJ. Her blonde hair was hanging down around Emily, obscuring part of JJ's face. Emily wanted to push it out of the way - but JJ was still pinning her arms. JJ leaned down to kiss her again. And again.

Emily pushed against JJ's hands. She wanted to touch her. Not being able to was quickly driving her crazy. JJ let go and gasped a little at how quickly Emily turned her over. Emily took an extra moment to smooth the hair above JJ's forehead. JJ closed her eyes. The comfort of Emily's fingernails running over her scalp lulling her. JJ felt Emily's weight shift and heard the mattress move. She opened her eyes to watch Emily discard her glasses on the nightstand. Emily laughed when she saw her wife's look of subtle disappointment.

"I can't kiss you with those on," Emily said, returning to where she was before. She leaned down and gave JJ a quick kiss. JJ pulled her back down, holding her face in her hands gently. Emily broke away from her lips and started kissing her way down her neck. Emily's moves felt slow and careful. A wave of emotion crashed over JJ. A swell of appreciation for the woman kissing her. After everything that had been said and done, she stood by her. She didn't deserve Emily.

When Emily pulled back, she saw it. There was anguish in JJ's eyes. Emily brought a gentle hand to her wife's cheek, alarmed by her sudden change in demeanor.

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" Emily began to move away but JJ quickly held her in place. Emily looked alarmed by the sudden desperation on her wife's face.

"No," she replied in a whisper. But her lips pressed together hard in an attempt to control her emotions. She brought the back of her hand to Emily's cheek, stroking it softly. Emily continued staring at her with concern. JJ smiled in an attempt to bite back the emotion. She shook her head a little. "No, no, I just -" with tears in her eyes, "I just love you…"

Emily gazed at her - she felt a bit of sadness in her chest. She knew what JJ was getting at. Half of her was grateful that she was acknowledging it. But the other half hated to see her guilt. To take away the part of her that loved Spencer was to take away a part of who she was. Love was less about fate and more about choices. Emily knew that now. Choosing to love JJ, despite everything, wasn't a hard choice to make. And JJ had made her choice adamantly clear as well.

Emily leaned down again to kiss her lips. JJ returned the kiss wholeheartedly, reaching down and pulling at Emily's shirt.

"Have you thought about it? Girl or boy?" Emily whispered. She was on her side, leaning over JJ, drawing mindless patterns on the skin of her wife's chest.

"Not really…" JJ answered in a breathy whisper. "Have you?"

"Yeah, a little bit." JJ watched a shy smile spread across Emily's face. Her heart leapt. "It would be nice to have at least one of each," she continued.

JJ smiled, "So you want a girl?" Emily nodded quietly. "I'll keep that in mind," JJ said with a playful smile. Emily laughed a little.

"Thank you," she joked back. After another moment, Emily moved to rest her head on JJ's shoulder. She felt JJ's lips kiss the top of her head and pulled her impossibly closer. Her steady heartbeat put her to sleep.