CHAPTER SEVENTY-SIX

EVOLUTION

16x08 Forget Me Knots

Director Bailey casually glanced into Emily's office and did a double take. It was so dark in there, he assumed it was empty, but it wasn't. Emily was sitting behind her desk, lights low, nursing a tumbler of what appeared to be hard liquor. Maybe whiskey? Bailey stopped and poked his head in. She didn't react at all. It was as if she didn't even notice him.

"Prentiss, what are you doing? You know I could suspend you for drinking alcohol here." Emily raised her head slightly, but her eyes were still glazed over. There was a thin sheen of tears brimming them too. He was immediately alarmed. He'd never seen that look in her eyes. Emily Prentiss was powerful and confident. He didn't know her as the type to cry alone in her office. She answered the question she knew he was thinking.

"The doctors think I'm sick," Emily said simply. There was no emotion in her voice. Bailey looked unsure of how to react. Then his eyes widened and his jaw fell open. She didn't mean just sick. She meant really sick. Emily continued like she was talking about the weather. "They say I have a high platelet count or something, but um…" she paused for the first time. "I can't tell JJ. Every time I try, I just can't." She said matter-of-factly.

After a long silence Director Bailey finally spoke. "Why are you telling me?" His voice was much softer than usual. Emily could see compassion in his eyes.

"It's a lot easier to tell someone bad news when you know you're not letting them down."

He shook his head shamefully. "Prentiss, we may not always see eye-to-eye, but that doesn't mean I would ever -"

"I know, I know." Emily responded, cutting him off and holding up a hand.

"I'm so sorry," he murmured softly. Emily's lips flinched in a fleeting smile. She believed him. Bailey stood awkwardly by the door for a few moments. Neither said anything. Finally, he glanced out the door and closed it softly. He walked over and sat across from Emily. There was a second, empty glass on the desk. He pushed it slowly toward her and raised his eyebrows.

For a fraction of a second Emily wondered if this could be a trap. But it wasn't. She turned, opened the cabinet behind her, and came back with the bottle. She poured him a glass and slid it back to him.

Emily closed the door behind her and locked it. She hoped JJ was asleep. She knew she was going to be in trouble regardless - but she hoped they would fight about it in the morning. Right now she needed to sleep. She was drunk. She hadn't been this drunk in a long time. And all she wanted to do was collapse on the couch and sleep off the hangover she knew was imminent. But just then, JJ came around the corner, eyes wide with fear. Then relief. Then anger. They stared at each other for a couple of seconds.

"What the hell Emily?" JJ began in a hushed voice. Their children must've already been asleep. "Do you have any idea how close I was to mounting a search party?"

Emily sighed and looked down at her feet. "I must've let my phone die…" Emily responded. She clumsily checked her jacket pockets for her phone before giving up. She began to walk towards the stairs but JJ blocked her path.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's all I get?" JJ was pissed. Angry was an understatement. "It's 1am! Where have you been?" She demanded, only inches from her face.

"I was just at the BAU." She said, slurring her words.

JJ creased her brow. And everything she thought she knew shifted. Because she could smell the alcohol on her breath. JJ looked her wife up and down. "Are you drunk?" She asked, dumbfounded.

Emily didn't say anything, just nodded her head a little. Her eyes told JJ everything she needed to know. Then, completely unexpectedly, JJ watched as her wife began to completely fall apart. Emotion erupted and she began to cry. A sob escaped her mouth. The sudden change in mood alarmed JJ and she stumbled a little trying to brace Emily as she fell into her arms.

JJ briefly wondered how she'd managed to drive herself home. The smell of alcohol was getting even stronger than before. Emily was rarely one to drink until she was drunk - especially since having kids. Something was wrong. Really wrong. JJ never knew Emily to be a sad drunk. She was mostly just loud and even more unfiltered than usual. Sad-drunk Emily was not a good look. JJ walked with her over to the couch and sat down.

"What happened?"

"Well… where to begin?" Emily slurred, throwing up her hands and closing her eyes. Maybe this was what she was hoping for - to get drunk enough to finally work up the nerve to tell JJ… "When I went in for my annual physical… you know, they drew blood, and my platelet count was, like, over 400." JJ furrowed her brow trying to follow what Emily was telling her. "Whatever that means…" Emily added. She leaned forward and tried to bring her hands up to frame JJ's face, but JJ quickly grabbed her wrists and leaned back. She gave Emily a warning look, but Emily didn't even notice. She continued. "So they ordered more tests… something called LHD… said normal results are, uh… under 40 units."

"What was yours?" JJ asked. The gravity of the situation was beginning to sink in. She had a horrible sinking feeling in her gut.

"Well, it was higher than that," she answered in a garbled voice. Emily chuckled cynically, then swallowed thickly. JJ studied her. Emily's eyes were glazed over. She closed them again.

"Okay… Emily? Hey?" She said, trying to get her attention. She placed a hand on Emily's cheek and she opened her eyes again. Even in her severely inebriated state, she could see the worry in JJ's eyes. "What does that mean?"

"It means they run a bunch more tests - all sorts of letters. ALT, AST, ALP. And I just kept hearing my mother tellin' me, 'You'll never have what it takes to be a doctor, Emily…'"

Emily's eyes were brimming with fresh tears. JJ slid off the couch and kneeled down on the floor in front of Emily. She looked up at her with pure loyalty and devotion burning in her eyes. Emily felt her lip tremble. She tilted her head back. No doubt, she was wasted - but not enough to be unaffected by the look in JJ's eyes. She looked so worried and scared - this is what Emily was dreading most.

"Emily…" JJ begged her to continue.

"It could be cancer."

JJ's mouth formed a hard line. She hadn't expected much less after everything that had happened thus far. But it still felt like a gut punch to hear her say it out loud. JJ's anger had taken a back seat momentarily. Although she didn't approve of how Emily decided to handle it, JJ sympathized with her wife's motive for getting plastered after finding out news like that.

Emily suddenly appeared to sober up. JJ watched a tear run down her cheek. She brought a hand to JJ's cheek and stroked her thumb gently across her face. JJ frowned and covered Emily's hand with her own. She turned her head to kiss the inside of her palm. JJ's thoughts were running a mile a minute - eyes darting back and forth, trying to wrap her mind around the implications of this.

JJ rose back up and climbed onto the couch. She took one of Emily's arms and moved it so she could sit in her lap. Emily hung her head. She weakly resisted JJ's touch, but after a moment JJ felt her arms tighten around her slightly. JJ closed her eyes and buried her face into her wife's neck.

Emily was still obviously drunk and ashamed about it. JJ slowly and deliberately kissed down Emily's neck. Another thought entered her mind - she remembered the doctor's appointment Emily was referring to. Over two months ago. She had been keeping this from her for months. But it was futile to confront that right now. She wasn't sure Emily was even going to remember this conversation in the morning.

"Come upstairs, Em. You need to sleep this off."

JJ walked with her wife up the stairs and braced her as she stumbled once or twice walking down the hallway. She managed to get her in bed and was in the process of pulling her boots off when Emily started speaking again.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Jennifer," Emily whispered.

JJ didn't know whether she was apologizing for being sick or for getting as drunk as she had. Regardless, her apologizing sounded so desperate and feeble, it broke JJ's heart. She was still mad - and when Emily sobered up, they were going to have a long conversation about this - but it still hurt to watch the love of her life in so much pain.

"Just sleep, Em. We'll talk in the morning, okay?"

Emily nodded vaguely and closed her eyes. JJ stared down at her and pulled the sheets up around her body. JJ brought a hand up to cover her mouth. Worry clouded her mind. She walked towards their bedroom door, paused there to give her one last look, then closed the door behind her. She made her way to the couch.