There were numerous reasons to tell Russel what Noodle had dreamed about. There was really only one reason not to.
The main reason to tell him was that, above all else, he'd understand. He wouldn't call her crazy, he'd believe her when she described how real it all felt, how every sound and smell felt as real as the day 2D died. He'd listen when needed, offer ways to help when asked, and let her know that her pain is halved when shared. It'd probably help him, too. Noodle had become very aware that he was starting to lose sense of himself as the supportive, sensible backbone of the band. Russel was patient to a fault, but even he had to get sick of shrugs and half answers eventually, and all day he had looked crestfallen for leaving her on her own, only for her to collapse within half an hour of his departure. To tell him would be to let him into her head in a way she hadn't allowed since they lost 2D, and even if he didn't know what would help, he'd have more of an idea of what wouldn't.
Whether she told him or not would depend on what happened tonight, she thought.
That evening, Noodle had a plan. Making dinner for herself and Russel as what she believed was proof of her stability, she finished quickly and waited with anticipation as Russel made his way through his. The second the last forkful was off the plate she took it from him to clean the table.
"You're still rushing around a lot." Russel said as he swallowed the bite, "that was really good, by the way."
"That's good." She said as she dumped the plates and pots in the dishwasher. "I think I'm gonna head off early, I'm really tired."
"You are?" Russel raised an eyebrow. "You've been scurrying around like a damn ferret all evening."
Noodle poured a whiskey and downed it. "Think it might just be survival adrenaline, y'know? Running from the tiger and all that."
Russel eyed the now empty whiskey glass. "You might wanna watch that."
"Jeez, can we ease up on the babying, just a little? Christ, come and check on me later if you're that concerned. I'm having a drink and going to bed because I want the day to end, is that ok?!"
Russel said nothing. But his look give-away a mixture of fear and disappointment. He had a way of using the silence, the last words spoken, as his retort. Noodle turned away and put the glass in the dishwasher. Russel took the moment to speak.
"You don't need me to check on you, or baby you. I know that. But it's easy to forget to look after yourself when times are hard. I'm reminding you to."
Still with her back turned to him, Noodle rolled her eyes. "Great. Thank you."
"I'm gonna be up a while longer, read a little bit."
She washed and dried her hands. "Have fun." She said curtly, leaving without looking at him.
She'd been in bed, wide awake, for what felt like hours. It was likely the adrenaline still coursing through her body, or the fact that she was trying to sleep fully dressed. Russel had been true to his word and not checked on her.
Noodle sighed. Whatever she was trying to do, it wasn't working. She kicked out of bed and crept downstairs.
She spotted Russel, alone, in the living room. He was passed out with a book held open precariously between his thumb and finger. Noodle quietly checked every other room in the house, finishing back in her room. All empty.
A siren outside made Noodle jump. Sirens used to feel exciting to her, the feeling of a constantly moving city where millions are living out their own stories. Now it only reminded her of how many stories might be ending tonight.
She looked out the window, trying to track the siren's direction. She noticed for the first time how clear the night sky was, with even London's light pollution not doing quite enough to hide a smattering of stars poking through.
She grabbed a cigarette from her nightstand and opened the window, clambering through to the fire escape and scaling the short ladder to the roof. Her head poked over the top and she jumped again, dropping her cigarette in the process.
"S'alright, I got one you can have."
2D was leaning over the short brick wall, looking out to where the horizons of skyscrapers peered back at them invasively. Noodle finished climbing the ladder and took the extended cigarette from him. She patted her pockets for a lighter and sighed.
"Fuck sake…"
He giggled. "Blimey, you are a mess, ain't you?" He dug around in his pocket until he found a lighter, handing it to her.
"Yeah, forgetting a lighter really is what seals the deal, not having lucid dreams about my dead friend", she lit the cigarette and took a long drag. "The dead friend I killed, no less."
He looked back out to the skyline, uncomfortable. "Is that what you wanna talk about?"
"No."
"K. What do you wanna talk about?"
She didn't want to talk about anything. Them standing together in silence, observing the night and its inhabitants, would've been fine with her.
2D's eyebrows raised impatiently. Evidently, it wasn't fine with him.
"Why are you here, D?"
He shrugged. "Dunno. Where else would I go? It's not bad here really, the food's alright, feels familiar, and—" he gestured in front of him, "pretty good views"
"Ok…" Noodle started, frustrated, "But why are you with me? In my dream?"
"This is real, Noods."
She shook her head. It hurt to admit, but this did feel as real as yesterday's dream. It felt as real as yesterday's awake.
"If you say so." She replied non-comittedly.
He stood up straight and approached her. The same feeling of familiarity yet unease washed over her. He noticed her tense up and put both hands on her shoulders.
"I'm not 100% on why I'm here, or how I can help" He said apologetically. "Except to tell you that you're gonna be alright. And I'll just keep being here saying it, and saying it, and eventually it'll be true! Shit, sorry—"
The cigarette he was still holding had dropped ash onto her shoulder. He swatted it away as if it were a mosquito.
"Will that help?" Noodle asked.
"I hope so. It's kind of the best I got."
She chuckled, letting it fall into a sigh.
"I feel so awful every day, D. I have moments, seconds, where I forget, and I think you're still here, and then it's like you've died all over again and I don't know what to do. And I don't know how I'm ever going to do anything ever again."
"I know, love. It'll take a while. 2 years apparently, grief lasts. I googled it."
"Why did you google that?"
"You remember, I did it after Bowie."
She laughed. "Oh yeah."
"I got through that, and you'll get through this."
She nodded and hugged him, more softly than the previous day.
"I miss this. I miss you."
"I miss you too." He pulled away from the hug, which she reluctantly allowed. "I think I'm sticking around a while though if that's alright?"
She smiled. "How many cigs you got?"
He grinned back at her. "Enough."
Noodle had long stopped worrying about how living in blissful ignorance with her self-projected friend was likely going to be damaging in the long run. That had evaporated somewhere around 2D's story of when he was due to appear on Soccer AM, until Murdoc insisted on taking his place so he could try and chat up "that Helen Chambers bird", not realising that he would have to arrive at 6 in the morning, sit through inane football chat for 3 hours, and have other celebrities kick endless footballs at him for 3 minutes, most of which were aimed at his groin.
"Did he get her number at least?" Noodle asked in a break between laughing.
"Yeah she did, but she must've writ it wrong or something, cuz when he called it up it was just the line for the Samaritans."
The sun was beginning to rise, and people and vehicles alike were beginning to emerge to start their days activity.
"Hey." 2D said, tensing up somewhat as he peered over the wall at the ground. "Isn't that your car?"
Noodle followed his gaze to the road below. A black nondescript car with a round front was sitting idle, its lights beaming unnaturally bright. It had a large dent on the front.
"Yeah, but we'll be ok up—"
She turned to look at him and paused. He had vanished, faint wafts of cigarette smoke still ascending.
She looked back down at the road.
2D's body lay in a heap a few metres away from the car. It was hard to tell from so far away, but it looked like he was looking up at her.
Noodle awoke with a start, in the same position she'd assumed when trying and failing to sleep for hours. Groggily, she turned and looked at her bedroom window. Shut tight.
A bag with a note on it had been left on her nightstand. She took the note and eyed it. Russel's handwriting was unmistakeable.
'Got you some breakfast. Peace offering? Ha ha. Glad you're sleeping well again. x'
She smiled. That sealed it. Russel didn't need to know.
For the next 5 nights, Noodle developed a routine that was as close as she could imagine to happiness. In the day, she put her life together, cleaning and eating and showering regularly. Her time with Russel felt less burdensome, less of a joint obligation to each other and more friends that merely benefitted from the other's company. At night, she'd find her friend and it'd be like nothing had changed. Sometimes 2D would be in the basement, or his room, or the studio, but he'd always be there, and they'd talk and laugh and watch videos and simply exist again. It wasn't perfect, he would occasionally insist he was really there, which Noodle pushed aside as some grief-stricken insistence on her own end. Each dream would end with the Fusion finding its way to unceremoniously end her time with 2D, which she reasoned away similarly. Least perfect of all was that the world wasn't exposed to this with her. Something Murdoc never realised was that you couldn't be jealous or protective with 2D's attention and care, it only grew stronger the more people were experiencing and loving him. She wasn't dense enough to tell everybody she was still hanging out with him every time she slept. Her waking quest to regain her regularity both depended on, and could be destroyed by, her seeing him every night. So a secret it remained. It wasn't perfect, but it was good enough.
On night 6 they were in the studio. Noodle was demonstrating some of the melodica riffs she'd been trying out, being backed by a slow, reverb-heavy drum machine. 2D sat and watched while she played, and upon her completion, he smiled and nodded.
"It's pretty good!"
Noodle took a second to catch her breath.
"You can say if it's rubbish." She said finally.
He rubbed the back of his head. "It's a bit rubbish."
"Argh!" She kicked over an unused mic stand in frustration and waggled the melodica at him. "I've never been that good with this thing"
"You are good," He assured with actual sincerity "Really good. Just sounds a bit like you're playing something you don't actually believe in."
"Grieving music is hard to write when you're in it, all right? Much easier to wait until you're on the other side." She tossed the melodica to the ground and crossed her arms. "It's not like anyone else will hear it, anyway."
"Wait, why not?"
"D, we aren't a band anymore. You kinda saw to that."
He looked down, seemingly full of guilt. That guilt found it's way to Noodle, who picked up the melodica to properly return it to it to the box labelled 'Stu-Ff'.
"Could always release something solo" He mumbled, still looking down.
She gave a single laugh. "I think one solo album from us is enough."
He looked up, partly shocked but grateful for the change in subject.
"What you mean?!"
"I mean…" Noodle tried and failed to hide an impish smile "well, there's no topping The Fall, is there?"
"Wha-? You said you liked The Fall!"
"Yeah I do, in a 'let's put it on the fridge' sort of way!"
He clapped his hands to his mouth and gasped in horror.
They held each other's gaze for a moment, before both breaking out in laughter.
She plopped down next to him on the sofa and leaned against his arm. "How many different ways can I kill you, eh?"
His laughter died off quickly at the remark. He cleared his throat.
"Why you always gotta say that?"
She sighed. "Look, it's my coping dream, ok? I can say what I want."
"Oh!" He jumped up off the sofa, quickly enough that Noodle had to catch herself to stop from falling into a fully prone position on the sofa. He turned and pointed at her. "That reminds me. I've figured it out!"
"Figured what out?"
"A way to prove I'm real!"
"Toochi, I really don't—"
"Please listen."
She looked into his eyes, full of pleading, almost desperate. She straightened herself on the sofa and nodded.
"There's something I've never told you about. Something you can find."
She leaned forward and raised an eyebrow. "Ok?"
"When I was in Guadalupe I made you a bracelet. It had little stones on it that said Noodle. Well, it was gonna say Noodle, but I ran out of L's and E's, so it said NoodI3, with an I and a 3. Then I wrote a postcard and taped the bracelet on it and was gonna send it ya, then I realised I didn't know where you actually were. So I just kept it."
Noodle had questions, but wasn't sure where to start. She also didn't want him to stop. So she nodded.
"When we all got back together I thought about giving it then, but then I thought that might be a bit stupid cuz postcards only really work when you send them from far away. Like restraining orders, but with pictures."
"And you still have it?"
"Yeah! Well, not on me. It's in my room, you know that really wobbly floorboard that Murdoc was always yelling at me to fix? There's a bunch of bits underneath it, should be there. Should we go see?"
Noodle rubbed her palms, which were beginning to sweat. Her mind was racing. She looked up at 2D's proud face.
"Maybe later." She said weakly. Finding it in this realm would only complicate things further.
They both heard a loud revving.
Instinctively, Noodle turned away, scrunched her eyes closed and covered her ears.
"What's wrong?" 2D asked, oblivious.
"Come on, come on…" She whispered.
"Should I get someone?" He offered.
She ignored him and began to rock back and forth. "Hurry up!" She yelled to no one in particular. "Just do it!" She kept her eyes closed and ears covered as the sound of a car smashing into her friend echoed behind her. She could faintly make out his screaming for help, though it sounded strangely far away.
Crowbar in hand, Noodle kicked open 2D's bedroom door. It only took a couple of steps before the wobbly floorboard made itself known. Some nails had been shoddily hammered in for some modicum of security.
Noodle paused. There were two options at play. Option one, there was nothing under the floorboard, she would have to admit to herself that her dreams are getting too far into her psyche, and she would need some sort of professional help to remove 2D from her brain for good. Option two… she was less clear on the direction to go from there.
With a cry, she jammed the crowbar into a gap next to the floorboard, where it stuck in place. She took a deep breath and kicked the crowbar, sending the board flying.
She dropped to her knees and peered closely into the floorboard shaped hole.
At some point, Russel had appeared behind her, concerned more in a curious way more than imminent danger sort of way.
"Noodle? You alright?"
For several moments, nobody moved. It took Russel a few seconds to realise that Noodle was turning around to face him, ever so slowly.
In her hand, there was a bit of card that had a picture of a beach on it. The worn edges and faded old white made the card look a few years old at least. Taped to the card was a bracelet.
Russel was perplexed, but the deep look of horror and confusion on Noodle's face told him something was wrong.
"Is that D's stuff?"
Trembling, Noodle pulled the bracelet from the card, taking a bit of paper with it. It was 2D's handwriting on the back.
'Dear Noodle,
I'm really really happy to hear that you're alive and alright, or at least more alright than when you were sort of dead. I don't want to make you feel crap or anything but I felt so rubbish thinking you were dead, but now I'm way less angry about things. I'm making bracelets in Gwardaloopay and I made you one, hope the tape doesn't fall off in all the travel otherwise this bit won't make sense. Miss you!
Love,
Toochi'