Total Drama Homespun, Episode 5: Camptastic Voyage
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Welcome back, apologies for the delay in uploads. I was camping fittingly enough, just like our contestants will be today.
There was only a single review last episode so I'll say thank you to G-Man for that. I'm glad you enjoyed last episode.
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"Last time on Total Drama Homespun," Chris begins. "Our twenty remaining contestants took a gamble on an odd job, heisting some hard-to-find goods. Delving into the most exotic of wild animal trades and infiltrating the private cryptid zoo of the Rodney House's greatest crook, Mr. Crypt. Who as it turned out, actually wasn't Chef in disguise. Could have fooled me.
After letting him mope for an episode over his eliminated girlfriend, the Ordinals captain Fry put on his A-game Unfortunately he's still Fry, and he's still a mess. Fortunately for him Entrapta made an even bigger mess of things and put a target on herself, and fortunately for her Conner's repugnant blob slave had the leave the show, and Entrapta gets to fill his place as Homespun's newest intern.
How's she gonna do, and what unprecedently amazing challenge do I have in store for everyone next? You're about to find out."
…
The Good Cabin as everyone's calling been calling it, lives up to the name. It's a pretty darn good place.
Not obscenely luxuriously like the staff quarters mind you, there's no butlers or pool decks, but there are comfy beds, two stories, electricity, private bathrooms, even a television with a strange multi-dimensional cable box.
"Look at all of these!" Steve exclaims, flipping through channels on the remote. "There's like a billion of this friggin things. Back in Hawkins we only had two!"
"Back in Hertfordshire, the very notion of electricity was reserved for academics." Observes Elizabeth.
"You got to check this out Frank," Steve says.
Tenpenny doesn't reply. When Steve looks back behind the couch, he finds his friend deep in thought.
"Hey! Tenpenny! You doing alright?"
"Just thinking," Tenpenny says.
"What about?" Bruce asks.
"About this team," Tenpenny says, rising to his feet and looking amongst them. "We doing alright don't get me wrong but we could be doing better."
"Better how?" Penny Crayon asks.
"We're always open to suggestions." Olivia says.
"Well, the way I see it, only way we're gonna seriously compete with those other guys is if we get some order around here. By which I mean a captain, Only problem is deciding who?"
"I mean it's obvious right?" Steve laughs. "You should do it!"
Tenpenny feints surprise. "Me? Nah Steve I'm just a humble beat cop."
"Cops get shit done man. I've seen it back in Hawkins. You've been busting your ass all game for this team Tenpenny, you're a perfect leader."
"Mr Harrington, may be characteristically blunt in his word but he makes a rather compelling argument," Elizabeth says. Tenpenny, raises his eyebrow.
"Really Bennet? I figured a woman of your time wouldn't be open to taking orders from a man of my background?"
Elizabeth smiles coyly. "There are certain business practices of great controversy back in the 19th century I must say I'm pleased to hear will be discontinued soon."
She closes her book and regards him pointedly. "My sisters may not be subject to agree, but I've been of the opinion to judge on character, regardless of background, and at present I can judge no better character among us as a potential authority."
Several of the others shout words of encouragement. Tenpenny throws up his hands.
"Hold on now, before we get ahead ourselves let's do this properly. We're all basically either Americans or Brits here, so we're gonna go about this the proper democratic way. Anyone else want to be leader raise your hand."
"I nominate myself!" Herlock declares. Tenpenny nods.
"Another show of hands who wants Sholmes to be leader?"
Penny, Sam & Max, and Herlock raise their hands.
"Now who wants me?"
Tenpenny himself, Olivia, Steve and Elizabeth raise their hands, a second later with some hesitation so does Bruce and Zelda. Tenpenny nods.
"Very well then. I humbly accepted the responsibility placed on my shoulders."
He raises a very humble figure indeed as the others congratulate him. All besides Herlock, who stays seated, watching.
The gears in his detective's brain whirling.
A shrill call of a bugle from outside causes the entire team to wince, stirring Herlock from his thoughts.
…
Both teams emerge onto their steps.
The staff, now sans Jermey and including Entrapta, are waiting for them. Chris, Chef, Daisy and Peach all today dressed as US National Park rangers. Daisy looks rather winded, having just lowered the bugle from her lips.
"Morning campers!" Chris cries chipperly.
"Don't you mean houseguest?" Jack asks.
"Nope!" Their host says merrily. "Not today. Today will be all about returning to Total Drama's roots. You're all going for a nice team bonding camping trip in an American National Park."
"How tame," Olivia says.
"Yeah… too tame," Steve says squinting. "I'm onto you McLean. What's the weird thing?"
"What weird thing?"
"Dude, there's always a weird thing about the challenges around here."
"Oh, that weird thing." Chris laughs. "Yeah… Come see for yourselves, it's a good one."
"Called it," Steve says quietly.
They're led out the door of the little island habitat their cabins reside in and through a flowery meadow before an out-of-place wooden doorframe. Once they step through several of them cry out and recoil from the windows.
They've entered into a vast circular building of glass and steel. Outside the windows on the slanted ceiling is a cavernous interior of organic red tissue, illuminated by floodlights. The entry building seems suspended in a pit, though walkways lead to flat 'ground'.
"What is that thing?" Katara asks a gasp.
"This," Chris says gleefully. "Is the Permian Basin Superorganism. The National Park you'll be camping in."
Several contestants look deeply disturbed.
"Called it!" Steve cries.
"Okay, in what universe is this a National Park?" Shego demands.
"Scenic Mystery Flesh Pit National Park is depending on your universe a former United States federally designated national park that operated between 1980 and 2007 or a horror worldbuilding project developed in 2019 by artist Trevor Roberts." Chris explains.
"I don't like how casually you dropped the word horror into that," Wallace notes with a terse sip of his cosmopolitan
"So… this place really existed somewhere?" Meg asks torn between curiosity and disgust. Rodney chortles.
"Well, everything exists somewhere in the multiverse my dear, my own wonders are no exception. But in this case, Christopher asked me to purposely recreate a pre-existing concept, and in my humble opinion I think the House Algorithm has done so expertly. Recreating the defunct park down to the smallest detail."
Bruce takes a tenuous step towards the windows and looks down. Their little bastion of civilization is suspended over a great fleshy orifice, presumably the titular pit.
"I might regret asking but how far down does the pit go?" Bruce says.
"No one knows," Chris says. "Also, in case anyone's wondering where currently hanging in this thing's mouth."
Again, half the contestants recoil. Miko though looks strangely relieved.
"Oooooooh. Okay cool. It's a mouth. I thought it was something different."
Several people glance at her.
"Miko, you seriously thought we were going to make you camp in a monster's anus?" Conner asks scandalized.
"Sorta."
"That's barbaric! Even by Chris's standards."
"We're not going to be digested though, right?" Fry asks. Chris shrugs.
"I mean you never know. It's a possibility. Might make this challenge interesting."
"Oh, Chris do stop," Peach says before giving the contestants a kind look. "I'm sure he's only teasing."
"No, I'm being totally for real about that dude," Chris assures everything. "But seriously, you'll be fine if you stay on the trails… probably."
He tosses Fry and Tenpenny each a map of the park.
"Other than that, rules are very simple. This is basically a repeat of the camping challenge in season one. Each team is going to hike out to their camping spot, spend the night, and then report back here at the visitor centre at 6 am tomorrow morning. First team back wins immunity."
"Already looking forward to it." Tenpenny smiles.
"Even better news for you Supertasks." Chris says. "For coming in first yesterday, you get your own transportation to the campground."
"Yeah, okay!? What's with that?" Shego demands. "We've won twice! How come we never get handouts during the challenge?"
"At least we got to get rid of pigtail girl last night," Guzma says under his breath.
"Hello!"
He turns around and yelps. Entrapta's standing behind them smiling.
"AGH! Why's she back!?" Miko shouts.
"I'm the new intern!" Entrapta says proudly. "Since poor Jeremy had to go home there was an opening! So now I get to stay and keep studying the house and looking after you guys!"
She giggles excitedly.
"'Trapta that's great news!" Olivia says.
Shego groans and gives Chris a withering look.
"Why must you torture me?"
"Because it amused me, and gets me fame and money," Chris says pleasantly. "Any more questions?"
"What kind of transport we get?" Asks Tenpenny.
"Over in the real version of the pit they invented a special kind of vehicle called a Venterial Environment Excursion Vehicle or VEEV to get around this place with ease."
"Yeah?" Steve asks.
"Yeah," Chris says. "You're not getting one of those, in fact, if you see any in the park, they're off-limits. Instead, we're giving you that beauty! Perfect for a family vacation!"
He gestures outside to where a mid-70s wood-trimmed station wagon laden with a top rack of suitcases is awaiting them.
"Uh Chris, that doesn't exactly look like the type of vehicle that'd do well down here?" Tenpenny says.
"It isn't!" Chris laughs. "Oh, and it doesn't have air conditioning either."
"Why's that matter?" Penny asks.
"Because the average temperature down here is 98.6°F with 100% humidity," Conner tells them.
Most of the cast groans in dismay. Wallace sips his cosmopolitan blithely.
"That's 37 degrees Celsius for all us civilized folk." Chris clarified.
Wallace nearly chokes on his drink.
"Holy hell that's hot."
Chris chuckles then tosses him his pack. Chef gives his to the Supertasks.
"Everything you need to survive is in here. Again, you should be fine, just don't feed the wildlife and if you have any questions, Park Guides Peach and Daisy will be at your beck and call for the entire 24-hour period."
Peach winces awkwardly. "Oh, Mr McLean. We've already promise to help train Entrapta get settled. But I'm sure you'd help our friends if they need anything wouldn't you?"
"Contestants, you're on your own!" Chris declares chipperly. "Happy trails campers!"
…
Two things become very clear once the Supertasks hopped in their Station Wagon and embarked.
Firstly, Chris's sense of humour was worse than they had thought.
Secondly, the trails and pathways of the Mystery Flesh Pit National Park truly weren't made for the average family vehicle. They're narrow and winding, clearly artificially cut through the beast. Its red flesh pulses against metal frames in the near darkness. Everything down here is in twilight, scarcely lit but little human bulbs and the car's headlamps. Even by the standards of the rest of the house, It's an alien environment. Divorced from normal reality. Yet all the same they pass cheerful signage, garbage cans, and discarded water bottles, strange emissaries of normality in this wondrous place.
Through it all the old family Supertask station wagon is trucking along. The car's radio which they've found impossible to turn off has been stuck playing the same song for most of the trip. Closer to Fine by Indigo Girls.
And I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
(The less I seek my source)
Closer I am to fine, yeah
Herlock lip sings along in silent passion, most of the others are quiet. Max finishes a game of tic-tac-toe he was playing on the fogged-up window with Penny then surveys the room.
"Man, am I bored? We there yet?"
"Should be there in just a minute," Tenpenny says, calling over the radio from the driver's seat. He glances out his side window.
"God damn, would you look at that?"
He gestures to the side of the road where there's parked a large white vehicle, Two large screws positioned under it in the place of wheels. The words AMBULATOUR INTRAPIT SAFARI are written on the side in large red text.
"Well, would you look at that?" Sam marvels. "It's one of those Veev thingamajigs we're not supposed to touch."
"…and just outside our campsite." Max adds.
As promised a minute later they pull into the spot they marked. Tenpenny gets out and stretches his legs. The others get busy setting up their gear. Both teams have been given what seemed to be the standard equipment for camping in this strange place. Their interventerial tents (There were two of them) are dodecahedron-shaped to brace against the shifting geobiology of the park and in lieu of a firepit they've been given a support pack, with built-in floodlights, a generator and a propane stove.
Unusual as they are, with many hands the gear's set up in no time.
"Now comes the easy part," Tenpenny says with a grin. "Kick back and relax until it's time to drive home tomorrow." He chuckles to himself. "I think I finally found a challenge I like."
"Thank God we're not walking back," Steve says, fanning his face which is already slick with sweat.
Bruce grimaces. "Don't speak so soon…"
He flips open the hood of their wagon, smoke has begun billowing out of it.
"Aw Hell, when'd that happen?" Tenpenny says rushing over.
"It'll still be good tomorrow won't it?" Penny asks.
"Not unless we can get a new radiator…" Bruce notes.
…
Much later in the day, Wallace throws down the Ordinals' gear then collapses next to them. They've finally reached their camp spot in the Southern Bronchial Forest, one of the great lungs of the beast they reside in. The air in here is slightly cooler and much fresher than the rest of the flesh pit, giving the exhausted contestants some slight relief.
"Okay…" Katara says examining their gear with some hesitancy. "I'll see if I can get this set up."
"Cool, what should the rest of us do?" Miko asks.
"What do you mean do?" Wallace asks. "We don't do anything. We sit here and try and recover physically before doing another long walk tomorrow."
"It wouldn't have been so long if you people hadn't spent so long in the gift shop." Grumbles Shego.
"Gift shop was great, there was a bunch of cool crap and everything was free!" Meg says. Miko eyes her.
"Yo! Megabyte! Whatcha got? Show me the haul."
Meg's arms are full of white soda cans with pink labelling. "Coke Heartthrob," She says merrily. "They're really good. Want one?"
"Toss one to me!"
Meg throws her one, and Miko catches it and inspects the can.
"Meg this has…. Amniotic ballast in it? The heck is that?"
"Apparently they harvest it from the monster," Meg says cheerfully.
Miko throws away her can at once, some of the others give a strange look.
"Whoa, hang on. She's drinking something that's made from the monster?" Shego says.
Fry shrugs.
"Yeah. So what?"
"I don't know? It's disgusting!?"
"Slurm's made from the juices of a giant monster, and it's the biggest soda around in the 31st century."
Shego stares at him for a second then folds her arms.
"Wow. I didn't think I could hate you people more than I already did."
"Come on, don't be like that Shego," Fry insists. "Camping's supposed to be fun, even if it is inside a giant monster."
"I don't have fun," Shego says tersely.
A large bioluminescent bacterium the size of a small deer crawls past their campsite.
"…Especially not here."
"There's a thermal bath nearby," Jack says, reading from a brochure he'd taken from the gift shop. "That sounds like relaxing fun."
"How does a hot spring work inside a monster?" Guzma asks.
"We could go and find out, maybe there will be signs. Or information in the brochure. When me and my sister Annie go on missions, we're always given a book from Morgan so we can learn about the place we're visiting."
Jack pauses and notices Meg, Katara and Miko giggling.
"He talks like he wants to be one of the big kids." Snickers Miko.
"Don't tease him, he's trying to be grown-up for the team," Katara says smiling.
Jack sighs.
"Do you want to go to the hot springs or not?"
…
Entrapta and Rosalina have returned to the staff quarters, the same needlessly opulent mansion/resort the contestant had been allowed to stay in the first night. Peach and Daisy return from a changing room, back in their usual gowns.
Peach sighs happily. "There we are. Entrapta are you ready for your tour?"
"Very. Ready." Entrapta says, tape recorder held aloof.
Peach giggles and leads her through a double door that leads to the staff quarters. There as Entrapta remembered them from the start of the season, ordained in rich mahoganies and lavish marble accents.
"Being an intern is very pleasant work," Peach says. "Conner says it was worse when it was just Mr. McLean in charge, but Conner has a habit of teasing Mr. McLean so you shouldn't take him too seriously."
She opens a door to a shared bedroom, three beds in pink, orange, and cyan, Peach, Daisy, and Rosalina's usual colours.
"The entirety of this space is Rodney's experiment," Rosalina says. "However, our duties aren't to serve the house, it's quite self-sufficient. We are here to help with the contest."
"Our purpose as interns is very simple, we are to be ready to help keep contestants happy and healthy and the games running smoothly, so that this will be a delightfully fun adventure for everyone! That means always being ready for whatever the games require from us." Peach says dutifully.
"It's not a lot of work, mostly baking cookies and dressing up in cute costumes," Daisy tells her.
"That's nice, but playing dress up isn't really my thing," Entrapta says.
"That's okay, Rosie hasn't been doing it either, even though she always says she will."
Rosalina blushes slightly. "I've been summoning my celestial courage…"
"We do more than just dress up, as fun as it is," Peach explains. "We also help plan challenges and keep a watch over them as they happen. Anything truly that our hosts may need from us. Entrapta, I'm sure there'll be plenty of opportunities to put your computer skills into use."
"That'd be great! Also, I know the house doesn't need maintenance. But if there's anything at all I could give a tune-up too."
Peach giggles.
"That's alright Entrapta, we have plenty of volunteers for that sort of thing."
In the corner of the room theirs a little wooden door with a mushroom symbol carved into it. They duck through it and find themselves in a vast barracks. Hundreds of multilevel bunk beds tower above them. Up and around them scurry Toads in their hundreds. The entirety of Peach's subjects are running about, busying themselves with one thing or another.
"My beloved little toads have been very helpful so far," Peach says. "Anything we need many little hands with they're always happy as ever to volunteer."
Several toads run up to their princess yiping and cheering like a pack of golden retrievers greeting their master. Peach laughs joylessly.
"Oh, I'm so happy to have them all here with me! We miss one another so dearly when we're apart."
A toad with red spots on his cap and a blue vest comes running. He stops short of Peach and salutes.
"Everyone happy and accounted for Princess!"
"Oh, that's wonderful."
She turns to Entrapta.
"This is my loyal assistant, Toad."
Entrapta makes a puzzled expression and scratches her head with her pigtail.
"Ah… I see… No, wait. No I don't. Is the species called toad, or is it just this one called toad, or are all of them toads, but also named Toad?"
"You got it!" Toad says.
"Oh goodie, I'm terrible with people names, this will make things much easier. So Toad, why do you get to be the special assistant?"
"Communication skills," Toad says honestly.
A little flash of pink emerges from the crowd next to Toad.
"Entrapta I believe you met Toadette yesterday?" Peach asks.
"Hi there." The little female toad says, much more bashful today than she was earlier.
"Sorry about going so hard on you during the challenge, I take games very seriously."
"That's okay, we had fun." Entrapta insists cheerfully. Toadette visibly brightens.
Amongst the crowd of toads, a parade of five in khaki adventurer uniforms goes marching past.
"Bravery is very hard at times for my dear little toads. Yet all of them are always trying their best. None more so than Captain Toad and his Toad Brigade. Rosalina could tell you all about their adventures out amongst the stars."
The Toad Brigade marches past a group of toads carrying spears. They salute each other. The spear carriers do so with slight dejection.
"…No one takes my absences as hard as my poor little Royal Guard. Dear things, I've tried to tell them that none of my kidnappings have been their fault. Unfortunately, I don't think they've taken it to heart yet. I find though, my baking can usually lift their spirits for a while."
Besides the little guards, a yellow-capped toad and a blue-capped toad seem to be in the midst of a spirited conversation held entirely in their own limited dialect.
"Blue and Yellow Toad are dear friends of mine. They've gone with the Mario brothers to rescue me on more than one occasion."
"So many toads…" Entrapta marvels. "I don't have nearly this many subjects back in Dryl."
"Ah, good show! Is that the new Princess I hear?"
Toadworth, the old toad they met yesterday has appeared amongst the crowd.
"Pleasure to meet you again my dear. Welcome aboard our humble faculty."
"Thank you!" Entrapta says shaking his hand. "Wow, everyone's really personable around here. Back at the Fright Zone, it wasn't like this, don't get me wrong everyone was very nice deep down, but they were just very stressed with the workload we had. This is lovely though, very nice subjects Toadstool, especially the moustache one."
Peach smiles warmly.
"Thank you Entrapta. Toadsworth is a very dear friend of mine."
The toad beams up at her proudly.
"You flatter me, my dear. I have been the Princess's caretaker for over a quarter century now. It's been my solemn duty to look after her on behalf of the Mushroom Royal Family since the storks first delivered her to us all those years ago. While I can't take credit for most of it I am extraordinarily proud of the young woman she's become."
Peach's cheeks flush red and she casts her eyes down humbly.
Toadsworth casts his old eyes to Daisy. "This boisterous young spirit I've known nearly as long."
Daisy laughs.
"I used to drive him nuts as a kid. Said I used to corrupt Peachy."
Toadsworth's mustache twitches.
"Well, I… I don't believe I was ever quite so blunt on the matter."
"Yeah, you were! That time I stayed over at the castle for a week when we were kids and we got into the kitchen? Man! I thought you were going to set me to Game Over Toady." Daisy grins. "You remember don't you Peach?"
"Um yes of course…" Peach says evasively. "Anyways Entrapta as I was saying-"
"Do the interiors around here change a lot?" Entrapta suddenly wonders aloud.
"Basically," Daisy says.
"Good to know. I'll have to be careful where I live thinks. Maybe keep the most important stuff on me."
"Allow me to help with that." Peach quickly says, dragging Entrapta away.
Daisy and Toadsworth exchange a look.
…
Warm fluid bubbles in a large bath within a fleshy pod the size of a cathedral. There're pool towels and bathmats and all the trappings of a normal spa or pool, lying about as well as a couple of private booths, whose purpose seems opaque. The air in here is warmer even than the rest of the creature, with a strange perfume-smelling scene lingering heavy in the air.
Fry takes in a deep breath and lets it out with deep satisfaction.
"Man, nothing beats the smell of nature huh?"
"Nothing about this is natural," Shego says.
Wallace glances at the bubbling spring, sipping cosmopolitan.
"A nice thermal bath might actually be sort of nice after that long walk…" He considers.
"Take off your clothes and we'll go for a swim," Fry says.
"I'd like to know what's in the water first."
"Amniotic Ballast." Jack reads from his brochure.
"Oh, so the same disgusting monster juice Meg keeps drinking?" Shego asks. "Yeah, great. Because this didn't already seem gross enough."
"If people bathe in it, then it's gotta be safe to drink," Meg says.
Jack continues reading.
"People say the ballast has healing and medicinal properties. According to this. 'The unique chemical properties of the liquid have been shown in clinical studies to mildly reverse cell degradation due to factors such as cancer or aging. Many park visitors report additional benefits of bathing such as decreased joint pain, healthier skin, weight loss and vision improvement.'"
"See!? It's totally good for you!" She gasps. "Guys! Let's go for a swim!"
"Heck yeah!" Miko says. "Then she pauses, ah crud, we didn't bring swimsuits," Miko says. Meg giggles.
"Who cares!? Let's skinny dip!"
She starts to lift up her shirt. Shego forces it back down.
"Hard pass."
"If Alucard was here maybe, But all of you? Especially the kid?" Wallace sips his cocktail. "No thanks."
"Why would Alucard make this better?" Miko says.
"Have you seen that man's body?"
Miko considers this.
"Point taken."
Meg pouts. "Fine, if you don't want any miracle juice, I'll keep enjoying my feel-good cola."
"Okay. How many of those have you had?" Shego demands.
"Five…" Meg says dreamily. "Eight, ten… A dozen! Doesn't matter! Everyone just makes the world feel that much better!"
She cracks another can. Shego tried to grab it from her.
"Yeah… you've had enough of that for today."
"Bitch! Let go of my happy juice!" Meg cries.
"Make me!" Shego says. "Hand it over!"
"No!"
"Let go!"
"It's mine!"
With surprising force, Meg sends a foot into Shego's shin, the villainess yelps and hops on foot. Before Meg slugs her in the gut, sending Shego backwards into the pool.
"Jack?" Wallace says suddenly, having gone over to another part of the deck. "This looks like a warning sign over here. Are you sure all the ballast's effects are positive?"
"Let me see…" Jack squints at the brochure. "' A secondary and infamous property of Amniotic Spring Fluid are the psychoactive and aph…' Huh?"
"What huh?" Fry asks.
"I don't know that word," Jack says
Fry takes the brochure and begins to read, then squints, then his eyes grow wide with alarm.
"What's it say?" Jack asks.
Fry, already sweating because of the heat suddenly looks even more flushed.
"It's uh… I'll tell you when you're older!"
Miko laughs. "Seriously what's it say?"
Fry beacons her over and whispers something in her ears. She withdraws blushing.
"Ooooooohhh!" Miko says. "Oh, okay wow! That's definitely not kid-safe stuff."
"Oh, I'd definitely take a solo swim with the vampire in that case," Wallace says. "But being Meg all…" He locks eyes with Jack, then clears his throat. "…In the mood, we'll call it, is something that's probably going to be a pain to deal with."
"Okay! Wait! She might be alright!" Fry says. "Most springs including the ones that are mined for retail purposes are heavily diluted. So she's not getting the full effects. They've got a scale here. The Main Bath is the weakest and the Libido bath is the most potent," He looks around. "Which bath is this one?"
"That is the Libido Bath man," Miko says regarding the water with new apprehension.
"That would explain the speakers playing Barry White," Wallace says.
"I see," Fry says solemnly. He turns back to the brochure. "They've got this yellow line here that says 'Visitors are encouraged to consult a religious, mystic or uh… Cuddling we'll say wellness counsellor before entering baths below the yellow line.' And the Libido Bath's right at the bottom. There's all these warnings about overwhelming emotional bonds and dubious consent."
"Maybe we should go sightseeing somewhere else?" Wallace suggests.
"Good idea!" Miko says, taking the brochure from Fry. "Oh! There's something here called 'God's Mistake'!"
"We'll head back to the main trail and see what we feel like seeing," Fry suggests.
They turn and begin making their way up the path that led them here.
"They should have been way more clear on the signs, that bath's definitely not the place for a team camping trip. Maybe if me and Leela come back though…"
He freezes, someone's massaging his shoulders.
Fry turns and finds himself face to face with Shego, soaking wet hair hanging in dark sheets over most of her face.
"Oh Shego, it's you."
She pulls her hair out of her eyes.
"Hi Fry…"
"Uh hi."
He turns to keep walking. She resumes running her fingers over his arms. He gives her a look.
"Hey, uh… Everything okay with you?"
"Fantastic…" The villainess purrs. She's eyeing him with a fondness that's extremely out of character for her.
"Have I ever said how brave of a captain you are?"
"She's probably feeling a lot looser and more agreeable since I pushed her in the bath," Meg says.
"You WHAT!?" Yelps Fry. Shego giggles flirtatiously.
"What do you say we slip away for a while and…"
She whispers something in his ear. Fry blinks.
"Wow… Leela'd never let me do that."
He shakes his head. "Wait? What am I saying I can't do anything with you! You're evil! Which kind of makes you even more hot! But still! My heart belongs to Leela!"
"Ah, forget about your little girlfriend for a while." Shego coos. "Let's have some fun!"
Fry pushes her away.
"No thanks!"
"Come on Fry, loosen up a little." Meg insists.
"You're bad too!" He shouts, shoving her away as well.
"Crap! Ah CRAP! What do I do about this!? I can't have you two like this all day! There's a kid here! It's actually, really, really messed up!"
Shego grabs him from behind. "I'm not talking about the stupid kid Fry… I'm talking about you." She nibbles his ear. Fry cries out like he's been burned by a stovetop.
"I never thought I'd say this, but I don't want anything to do with your beautiful sexy body!"
Shego half snorts, half laughs.
"You don't mean that…"
"It's weird but I do though! Even though part of me really doesn't want to mean it."
He groans.
"Dammit! I need someone to watch over you! Someone I know for sure won't be interested but also isn't a minor!"
"Are you guys coming or what?"
Wallace Wells has just wandered over to them. Fry stares at him. His teammate raises an eyebrow.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
He glances past his captain to Shego.
"Why is she looking at me like that?
…
Some time later the Ordinals march along the trail. At the front of the pack are Jack and Miko. Jack's been subjected to Fry's 'childproofing' the boy's entire head wrapped in bandages like a mummy, his red-rimmed glasses placed over them like he's Claude Rains playing the Invisible Man.
At the very back of the pack a very bitter Wallace is dragging his feet, Shego clinging to him playfully.
"I want you to know how much I hate this." He tells Fry.
"Just make sure she keeps her clothes on until this wears off," Fry says.
Shego laughs girlishly.
"Hey Wallace? You know what's a fun game to play without clothes on?"
She whispers something to him. He looks disgusted.
"How would that even be aloud to air!?"
…
In Rodney's study Chris sits in a chair facing us, the audience of Total Drama.
"In light of today's episode we here at Total Drama would like to remind our viewers that the impaired opinions of our contestants do not always reflect those of those who work on the show.
Total Drama officially has not condoned or tolerated relationships or pairings formed without or under dubious consent since 2010… or maybe it was 2013? Whenever it was we stopped answering Sierra's calls
Point stands, we're not about that. Remember kids, everything you see here happened to multiversal weirdos in a controlled environment, If YOU happen to be in a giant monster and someone falls in its monster goo and starts talking to you in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Just! Say! No!"
Conner leans into the shot.
"Also, FYI, we're recording this after the episode wrapped. Jack's fine if you're worried about that, Fry seems to have preserved his innocence. We asked him tonight, he's got zero clue what went down with Shego, Meg, or even any of the Alucard stuff."
"Actually at the point where we're going to splice this in they won't know about the Alucard stuff yet."
"Ah… well… consider this foreshadowing."
…
Back at the Ordinal's camping spot, Katara's just finished setting up the tent. She takes a step back to survey her work with satisfaction.
"You've got the generator backwards," Guzma says. The Pokémon Trainer has been lying with his arms folded behind his back since then arrived. She frowns at him.
"Maybe you could help then?"
"I'm supervising." Grunts Guzma.
"You've got your eyes closed."
"I can supervise fine with my ears." He insists.
Katara grumbles.
A soft chuckling comes from somewhere.
Alucard has fazed through one of the visceral walls of their "forest" startling Katara, Guzma and Vultureman, who was busy pecking at worms on the ground.
"OH, GREAT IT'S THE FREAK!" Squawks the bird.
"Where were you?" Guzma asks.
"Exploring the house. Same place I always go when I'm bored." Alucard says aloof. "And in this terribly dull game that tends to happen a lot."
"Why don't you help your team more often instead of disappearing if you're so bored?" Guzma asks.
Alucard chortles. "They rarely ever let me use my powers. Even when they do it's far more enjoyable to watch you worms writhe helplessly. You're all so pathetic I'm surprised yesterday was the first time we've lost."
"Is there any reason you act like a jerk all the time, Alucard, or were you just a monster from day one?" Katara asks shortly. The vampire brandishes his fangs at her gleefully.
"I am a monster, how kind of you to notice." He purrs. "But I'm far from the only one here. The Staff and their undying lives, the living doll, that repugnant abomination."
He gestures to Vultureman who shrieks at him.
"…Even you girl, and your little water powers. You're all disgusting perversions of the human form, monsters almost as bad as I am."
He grins wickedly.
"Back in England by the Order of God and Her Majesty, it's my job to deal with dogs like you."
"You don't scare me Alucard," Katara says flatly.
He leans down so that he's right in her face.
"You know, I haven't had a meal since I've got here. If I don't want to desiccate, I'll have to feast soon."
"Good thing, we're in a giant monster, go find some bug or something to snack on."
Alucard sinks through the floor and disappears. She sighs.
"I may be a jerk, but that guy makes even Big Bad Guzma look nice," Guzma says.
"He's a bully," Katara says. "Just like Shego and a couple of the others."
Guzma looks slightly impressed. "You're really not afraid of him?"
"He's all talk." She says. "Besides. The staff wouldn't let someone actually dangerous on the show."
Though even she says it she looks unconvinced.
…
"Well, here we are in the Mystery Flesh Pit, stuck without a car." Says Sam, overtly.
"Any luck sir?" Herlock calls to Bruce, who slides out from beneath their crippled Station Wagon. For a billionaire, Bruce Wayne seems quite handy with a wrench.
"Nothing we can do without new parts."
Princess Zelda who as usual had been silent most of the day suddenly let out a little gasp.
"There are more parts." She says hushed voice. "The Venterial Environment Excursion Vehicle."
"But Chris said we couldn't touch that!" Penny says.
"Chris didn't say we couldn't touch it, he just said we couldn't take it," Tenpenny says, giving Zelda an appraising look. "As in take the whole damn thing for a spin, he didn't say nothing about borrowing a piece here or there to patch up the wagon. Smart thinking Your Majesty."
Zelda nods and blushes slightly. Tenpenny turns to Bruce.
"Wayne, you and I could probably figure out how to take that thing apart. Octavius! Sholmes! Feel like giving us a hand?"
"Of course," Olivia says.
"Yes sir! My esteemed captain!" Herlock says with relish. "I shall join you in a moment! Allow me to grab us our headlamps from the tent! Penny, would you be a dear?"
"Don't have much of a reason not to, don't I?" The school girl says.
Tenpenny, Bruce and Olivia leave the others behind and begin the short walk to the VEEV. They make it all the way there before they realize they've got company.
"Princess you don't need to supervise," Tenpenny says, turning around to face Zelda. The teen looks up at him awkwardly. Her large green eyes suddenly filled with self-doubt.
"Actually… I had intended to help, dissemble the VEEV."
"Is that so?" Chortles Olivia. "First Entrapta now you dear? I'm amazed at the amount of princess mechanics running around."
"Would someone like you… know their way around a car?" Bruce says. "Not to be rude your Highness."
Zelda swallows and seems to summon some worth. "Actually, back in the old days, I had plenty of experience with ancient Sheikah technology." She says pointedly. "I know a great deal more than you may think."
"Good. How 'bout you get us started then?" Tenpenny offers.
Zelda marches purposely up to the VEEV and opens the hood. She stands there frozen, confidence draining back out of her.
"Yes… Of course…" Zelda murmurs in a hardly audible tone. "Sheikah technology is very different from the world you all seem to come from."
Olivia nudges her out of the way.
"Why don't you let the grown-ups handle this sweetie?"
Zelda nods and looks down, blushing once more.
…
Back in camp, Penny waits outside the tent, tapping her foot.
"Honestly… How long does it take to fetch a headlamp?"
"Miss Crayon!"
She looks. Herlock peers out from around a bend, the detective beckoning her over.
"Detective, what are you doing over there?"
As soon as she's within arms reach Herlock seizes her by the arm.
"AHA! It's all coming together!"
"Oy!" She yelps. "What's come over you then!?"
"It's brilliant my dear!" The detective continues, excited as a schoolboy on the first day of holiday. "Absolutely devilishly brilliant!"
"What is?"
"These machinations I've been following my dear! From the very moment, I received an invitation for these games I knew then and there there'd be more to my arrival than just some light merry-makings to my attendance!"
"You don't say?" Penny muses, utterly confused.
"I've been lying in wait, patient as an African panther for a case necessitating my brilliant mind, and now! Now, my dear girl, I've already begun narrowing down the culprits before the crime's even been committed."
"Hang on, you think someone's up to something?"
"Yes my dear, and with a heavy heart I must inform you that it will be one of our own compatriots."
"No!"
She peers back to the camp, where Sam & Max are lounging outside, and Steve and Elizabeth are chatting ideally.
"Who do think it is?"
"I've got it down to one or more of the following three, all of whom currently working on alibies by aiding our team. The culprit is some combination of Doctor Octavius, Master Wayne, and the purported officer of the law Frank Tenpenny."
"The Captain!?" Penny cries surprised. "Come off it! You sure you're not suspicious of him just because he got the job instead of you?"
Herlock looks deeply scandalized.
"I take utmost offence at the very notion! I assure you Miss Crayon no thought ever crossed my mind!"
"Just saying, Tenpenny's been a smashing bit of help around here. Helped us win the good cabin yesterday. Those comfy beds are really lovely."
"Were they? I didn't notice," Herlock says airily. "For the sake of security, I've procured my own secluded sleeping spot, which I've found has been giving me a reliably good night's rest, without worrying about being attacked in my sleep."
"Really? Where then?"
"I shan't say!"
"Is it in the loo?"
"No use trying to worm it out of me, my lips are sealed!" Herlock declares.
"Right, well anyways, we'll see about the others but you're going to need serious proof before you accuse Tenpenny of anything before I believe it."
"I assure you, my dear, when the time's right I'll find my evidence. You'll see soon enough! Sooner or later Herlock Sholmes always gets his man! HA! HA!"
With that, he begins dancing in place. Penny stands there, watching him bewildered.
"I am the only normal person here?"
…
"Glove on or off Entrapta?"
The three princesses, Rosalina, Toad, and Toadsworth are sitting in what looks to be a very cozily decorated café, a table filled with tea and pastries before them. Peach has just brought out a cream-coloured jewellery box. Inside sits a silver bangle on a red cushion.
"Does it matter?" Entrapta wonders. Peach smiles.
"Not necessarily. Some people just don't find wearing a bracelet over your glove fashionable. May I see one of your hands?"
Entrapta sticks her right arm out. Peach gently places the bangle over the girl's heavy work glove. As soon as it's on Entrapta holds it up to her face inquisitively.
"What exactly is the purpose of-Ooooooooooh Woooow!"
She's pressed the sides of the bracelet, and a holography display has appeared from it, showcasing a list of items.
"This is another invention of Rodney's one that helped us ever so dearly during my season," Peach says.
"It is called Hammerspace," Rosalina explains. "It operates the same way the House does, granting one unlimited personal storage space."
"Basically, it lets you haul around as many items as you want," Daisy says. "You can put whatever you want in it, not everyone uses it as literally as Peach."
Entrapta scrolls through her options, looking ready to overflow with excitement.
"This is an incredible piece of technology! Now I won't need to waste time grabbing things during lab work!"
"It is meant to help with your work here as an intern," Rosalina smiles. "But Rodney has said we are welcome to take them home afterward. Peach still has the same one she wore during Endless."
Peach extends a hand, Entrapta gives it an odd look, then whispers to Daisy who's sitting next to her.
"Why does she have two?"
Daisy shrugs.
"Don't know. She likes the change the topic when I bring it up. Maybe it's Bowser related."
"What's Bowser?" Entrapta asks innocently.
Rosalina gives Daisy a look.
"It's alright Rosie." Peach insists, placing a hand on her Goddess friend's arm. "It was bound to come up, at some point."
She looks to Entrapta.
"Bowser is the King of another kingdom back home. One that has given me and my pour toads some trouble."
"Invasions?" Entrapta asks. The others nod. "I thought so," She says. "When went through a phase of those lately back on Etheria."
"That mean old Koopa's kidnaped The Princess twelve times!" Toad cries.
"Well, that just seems obsessive." Entrapta muses.
"Yeah, because Bowser's completely obsessed with Peach!"
Peach rolls her eyes and smiles faintly.
"I'm afraid Bowser has decided some time ago I'd be his perfect bride, and he's not very interested in what I have to say on the matter. Luckily my dear friend Mario's been so kind as to fend him off, but we'll be more prepared next time. So, I'm very happy to declare those days spent in the Koopa castle's dungeon are behind me, and we can look back and have ourselves a little laugh about it."
"You make it sound so silly in hindsight," Toad says.
"But that's all it ever was, silly."
She giggles sweetly and pours herself some more tea, The Princess looking like she's sincerely amused herself.
"I mean Bowser, so cruel and angry in his big dark castle,"
She raises her cup to her lips.
"Can you imagine falling in love with someone like that?"
"How come you never gave him a chance?" Entrapta asks.
Peach inhales the dainty little china cup she was drinking from. She shoots backwards out of her chair, choking violently. Daisy leaps up and gives her the Heimlich, Peach making guttural noises until at last the cup sails out of her mouth, landing on a tray of cookies on the table.
She wipes her mouth at stares at Entrapta mortified.
"A chance!?"
"Maybe he's really nice deep down."
"Bowser!?" Peach shouts hoarsely. "Nice!?"
"Miss Entrapta, The Koopa King is a vile and evil spirit that's been a persistent threat to our sacred peace and stability," Toadsworth says severely.
"Well that's what everyone said about Hordak too, but I think he's a very sweet guy, and even though I wasn't really looking for a boyfriend, the two of us are very happy together." Entrapta pleads. "Maybe if you just got to know Bowser-"
"I don't want to get to know him!" Peach snarls. "I don't ever want to see him again! He's a horrible, disgusting, barbarian! I don't care how many times he kidnaps me, I will never! NEVER LOVE THAT BRUTE! How dare he think I'd ever so much as like him after what he's done to our Kingdom! He's the second worst creature I've EVER-"
"Second worst?" Entrapta asks innocently. "Who's the first then?"
Peach freezes for a moment, something resembling fear in her expression. She shuts her eyes, and lets out a long-drawn-out breath, her posture relaxes.
"It doesn't matter. It's in the past." She says in a much calmer voice. "I'm sorry for yelling Entrapta. You're new, you didn't mean any harm."
"Oh that's alright, people used to yell at me all the time back in the Fright Zone," Entrapta says cheerfully.
There's a bit of an awkward silence.
"It's getting late. I'll have to start putting the toads to bed." Peach says suddenly.
"Bed? It's not that late though?" Entrapta laughs.
Daisy gives her a wry look.
"You got any idea how long it takes to kiss a thousand toads goodnight?"
…
It's getting towards evening (Though of course, the lighting inside the Flesh Pit doesn't change) by the time the Ordinals all reconvene at their campsite.
"What happened to you guys?" Katara asks, getting an eyeful of Shego and Meg, as well as Jack and his childproofing.
"There was kind of an incident at the hot springs."
"What kind?"
Miko whispers into her ear. Katara blushes.
"I see…" She says slowly.
"At least Shego's having a nice time," Fry says.
"To nice some would argue," Wallace says shortly. Shego still bouncing around him like a ferret in heat.
"You're a funny man Mr. Wells! Maybe later we should get to know each other better."
"Ma'am I am very gay!" Wallace says firmly.
"Ah… You don't know that for sure!"
"I have never been so sure of that as I am tonight!"
Shego runs her tongue over her lips. "How can you know you don't like girls until you've tried one?"
Wallace locks eyes with Fry.
"Help. Me." He says through gritted teeth.
"You're doing a great job, just watch over her until the challenge is done."
Wallace gives him a look of grave offence and gestures to Shego. "I am not comfortable going to sleep around this thing!"
"I don't think I am either," Katara admits.
"What do want me to do about her?" Fry demands.
"We could tie her in up with rope until she's calmed down to keep her from getting handsy," Miko suggests.
"I'm very on board with that idea," Wallace says.
"Getting tied up sounds fun." Shego snickers.
"Alright! If everyone's in agreement we'll do it." Fry relents. "As for Meg, you seem less weird than Shego."
"Oh, I'm definitely not where she is." Meg clarified.
"Can you function?"
"I guess, just hard to think straight."
"Is this something you could… I don't know… solve alone?"
She grins awkwardly and blushes.
"Alright…" Fry draws himself to "Meg go… do what you need to do."
"Is that an order?"
"That's Captain's orders! Go make God cry! Just do it far enough that we can't hear you!"
"Ay-Ay Captian!"
Salutes him, then scampers off.
Guzma looks up to the ceiling in disgust.
"This team's a disgrace."
"This team is not a disgrace," Insists Katara. "We're just having an off day, now Guzma would you care to help cook dinner or would you rather 'Supervise' again?"
"You two weren't fighting while we were away, were you?" Fry asks with a note of concern.
"Not really. Alucard's the real problem." Katara admits.
"How's he a problem? he's a vampire! He's like the strongest guy on the team!" Miko insists.
"Let's just worry about dinner," Katara says. "There's rope in the tent if someone wants to deal with Shego."
"Where is Shego?" Miko asks looking around.
"Wait she's gone?" Fry says surprised. "She was just there a second ago? Wallace, what happened?"
"Maybe she's taking a page from Meg and is 'Making God cry' as you put it," Wallace says dryly.
"Ewww," Fry says. Then pauses. "Actually wait," He pauses a second time. "No, my mistake, I'm on board with that visual. Let me double-check to be sure."
His eyes drift into the middle distance as if he were watching something in his mind's eye.
"Gosh, she's hot."
Wallace gives a reproachful look.
"Is there a word that means the opposite of bonding? Because we're doing a lot of that right now."
"I mean Wallace, I know you're gay but you gotta admit she-OW!"
Fry yelps, Katara's just smacked him across the back of the head with a water whip.
"Stop talking about Shego!" She snaps. "I don't care where she is or what she's doing, so long as she's not getting into any more trouble it's fine!"
Three sounds follow each other in rapid succession. A loud laugh from Shego, a scream of horror from Meg, and the shriek of something that sounds very large, and decided inhuman.
"You were saying?" Guzma asks.
Katara buries her face in her hands.
…
As they found when they arrived The Bronchial Forest is extremely difficult to navigate, and being inside it is less like the woods and more what it would be like a vast pink sponge. The Permian Basin Superorganism's lungs are near an endless maze of interconnected tubes and crevasses, or mucosal folds, as park signage pleasantly put them. The team weaves in up and around the vertical mucus-coated. Meg and Shego's voices oscillating between sounding closer and farther away.
When they finally find them, the two women are in a pit several metres below the ledge they've emerged onto two. Meg frozen in fear, Shego waves to them dimly, the stronger hit of aphrodisiacs she took keeping her carefree.
"Oh! Hey… It's you guys, come join the party! We made some friends."
"Meg! Are you okay?" Katara shouts down.
Meg shakes her head and points to the darkness. Her teammates shine their flashlights to where she's pointed and instantly regret it.
The light illuminated A pale two-limbed arthropod, clicking its mandibles agitatedly and waving four fern-like antennae. It looks like a shrimp or a zooplankton, the sort of tiny creatures you'd expect to see at the bottom of an oceanic food chain.
Only the creature next to Meg isn't tiny, not in the slightest.
It's about the size of a bus.
"What in the name of Arceus are those?" Guzma asks in a hoarse whisper.
"Hey uh, Jack?" Miko asks. "You read through some of the brochures. Did they say what the biggest monster in this big monster is?"
Jack's voice comes through the bandages in a muffled shout.
"Abyssal Copepod. The Wildlife Safety guide said they're deeply aggressive, highly dangerous predators best to be avoided at all costs."
"Good to know."
"What's going on? Did someone see one?"
"Ah, maybe don't worry about it."
"Fry now'd be a great time for a plan," Katara says.
Fry merely whimpers in fright.
They hear another strange noise, then Alucard is there next to them, rising out of the ground.
"Allow me to attend to this." He says, voice like silk. "I've been hungry for an opportunity like this all week."
He grins down the creatures and draws his massive sidearm.
"Show me your worst you dog."
He fires, and strikes the nearest copepod, it howls in hate and agony and charges the vampire.
Alucard fires several more times, blowing chucks of flesh off the creature, but it's not enough to slow it down. The 8-metre beast sinks its mandibles into his chest. The others gasp in horror as it thrashes him about and flings Alucard backwards. Their strongest teammate reduced to a mangled body in seconds.
A moment of stunted stunned silence before Wallace groans loudly.
"Goddammit! Now what am I supposed to use for eye candy!?"
There comes a loud chuckle, echoing more than the soft walls should allow. Something's happens to Alucard's body, his corpse dissolves into black shadow. Red eyes pierce the dark form and it rises back up. The vampire's body flowing back together again, red overcoat and dark suit mending themselves.
Alucard looks back at his team over his shoulder then sneers at the giant arthropod.
"Not bad, but let me show you what real power looks like!"
Then moving faster than anyone can keep track he charges the creature, single hand outstretched, it plunges seamlessly into the copepod's chitinous exoskeleton and Alucard tears it in half.
His team watches on with the same stunted expressions they wore yesterday when Miko had wiped their memories. Alucard hunches over the dead monster, doubled over with laughter.
"Finally! The rich sent of Death! It's been so damn boring these past five days! At last, I have monsters I can enjoy sending back to hell!"
The other copepods below begin chittering, and Meg screams again. Alucard's head jerks up, His blood-red eyes flood with elation.
"This worthless piece of shit died faster than I'd liked it to, let's see if it's friends last any longer!"
He sweeps past the other Ordinals and leaps into battle. The team turns and watches, still rooted to their spot.
"Man… Bro's been really holding out on us until now, hasn't he?" Miko asks.
The others nod stiffly.
…
In Rodney's study, Chris, Chef, Conner and Rodney watch Alucard tear hell through the Mystery Flesh Pit's biosphere. The vampire less something tangible in his carnage and more a force of nature. His body contouring in an amorphic mass of red eyes and canid fangs as he devours copepod after copepod.
"Hey? Hey McLean?" Conner asks nonchalantly. "Remember when I said bringing a vampire would be dangerous and reckless? Good times huh?"
"Dude, I didn't think the monsters were gonna be this violent!"
"Which ones? The hellbeasts living in the flesh pit you stuck the contestants in or good old No Life King you tossed into the game as one of their teammates."
"Normally I have a decent track record with subjecting my casts to dangerous wildlife and psychotic cast members without getting too bloody, But I mean look at this!"
Chris points to the field of red on the screen.
"Even the walls are bleeding dude! The censors are gonna flip!"
"Chris enlighten me," Conner asks. "What was it about the giant eldritch monster park that attracted you to do an episode of your somehow still concerned family-friendly show inside it? Was it the fact it woke up and digested everyone in its home reality that drew you in, or was it the fact that the main draw while it was active was the pits filled with sex juice that really grabbed you?"
Chris side-eyes him. "It's other people's jobs to do the research, besides! This isn't even the real park! It's supposed to be a dumbed-down recreation of part of it."
"Yes, Christopher. About that…" Rodney injects somewhat awkwardly. "I seem to recall you being insistent on us being as faithful in our adaptation as possible earlier, with palpable danger being a particularly strong emphasis."
Chris gives him a look.
"Wait? Rodney? Did you build the entire monster!?"
"I did find it odd you wanted all 30 kilometres of the beast since the park only occupied a tiny portion of it, but you were quite insistent last night on the full package as it were."
Chris turns to the screen at a loss. Then laughs awkwardly.
"Okay, I might have to change the script here slightly."
…
None of the other Ordinals have yet to find an appropriate response to Alucard's rampage. Wildly different emotions colour their faces as they all stand huddled together and silent like a mob of meerkats facing down a cobra. The vampire continues his rampage uninterrupted. More copepods attracted by the sound and scent of death continue arrival and are quickly feasted on by Alucard, his violence tearing chunks of meat from the walls of the flesh pit itself, those too he quickly devours.
A four-tone note draws their attention. They look around, the voice of Chris begins booming from the heavens.
"Alright Campers… Seems you some of you broke my rule about staying on the paths, not cool dudes.
Because of this mistake that was definitely a hundred percent your fault and I am in no way to blame for, the calls been made to close the park, meaning we'll be wrapping up this challenge a little early."
"We're kind of in the middle of something here dude!" Miko shouts.
"That's a real shame. Anyway, the race starts now campers!
First one back to the Visitors Center wins immunity."
"Now!?" Fry cries up to the voice. "We're not ready!"
The four-note plays again, ending the message.
"It's cool we got this," Miko says.
"How?" Wallace asks. "We've got an incredibly hot vampire on a rampage, and an incredibly horny bitch that won't listen to save her life!"
Shego pounces on him.
"There you are! Are you up for some fun yet?"
"I only! Have sex! With men!" Wallace shouts shoving her off him.
"Alucard! Time to go!" Katara shouts. The vampire cackles.
"You're joking right!? This is the only fun I've had all season!"
"I'd be interested in fun!" Shego says, making to start undressing herself, forcing Guzma and Miko to wrestle her hands away from the top button of her jumpsuit.
"Shego! Alucard! No joking around, it's time to move!" Katara says again.
"I really hope the other guys are having this much trouble." Fry moans.
They hear the roar of an engine, just then a vehicle comes roaring past them, It's the Supertasks in their Station Wagon, now heavily modified from parts off the VEEV. It rolls past, now perfect at home in this fleshy environment, the Supertasks grin at them out the windows.
"Hi, guys!" Penny calls. "Bye, guys!"
Her voice fades as the other team speeds away.
…
Unsurprisingly by the time The Ordinals reign in their unruly teammates and trudge back to the Lower Visitor Center on foot, the Supertasks are already there celebrating.
"This isn't fair! They cheated!" Guzma roars.
"Chris never said we couldn't modify the wagon." Olivia insists innocently.
"That I did not," Chris agrees. "Ordinals! You'll never guess but you've…"
"…Lost. We know." Guzma growls.
…
Once they've returned to their cabin, Shego's locked in the communal bathroom by Miko and Vultureman and forced to dunk her head in a bath full of cold water. Thirty minutes of being waterboarded by a hyper Japanese gamer and a shrieking bird demon seems to work the lust out of Shego, and she falls back into her usual surly mood, made worse than usual by a pounding headache.
The rest of her team is hardly in better spirits. Most of them, sitting on their beds, unmotivated to do anything besides joylessly wait to be called to the night's elimination ceremony.
"Somehow I feel this is all my fault." Fry mopes.
"Correct," Guzma says.
"Fry, of all the people to blame for today you're hardly one of them," Katara says in a consolatory tone.
Shego gives the girl a look, picking up on the other implications hidden in her inflection.
"If Captain Moron's not the problem who do you blame then huh, Katara?
"Oh, I'm sorry! Did I make it sound that way?" Katara asks fluttering her eyelashes in mock innocence. "Must have lost control of my impulse there for sec."
"Meg basically drugs me and I'm the one people are pointing fingers at?" Shego growls.
"Meg is my friend." Katara insists.
"Good for you two! No one cares!" Guzma says. Katara glares at him.
"It's not our fault you don't have friends."
"This is a competition!" Guzma snaps. "Friendships don't matter! Looking out for the team and making smart decisions is what matters,"
He turns to glare at Alucard. "Instead, I'm stuck on this deadbeat team with freaks like this!"
"Am I not proving to be a valuable ally?" He asks in a mocking tone. "How tragic! I'll try not to lose sleep over it."
"Save your breath!" Guzma says, undaunted by the vampire's piercing glare. "You're just as bad as Griffin is! Five days of sitting there worthless, then the moment you decide to do something you go on a rampage! At least our other monster helps out once and a while!"
Vultureman squawks with indignation. Alucard tilts his head back and laughs before grinning dangerously.
"I'm not to blame if the miserable dogs running the game are afraid of my power! You don't like it, maybe you're the one we should consider getting rid of."
"Meg first then Drac!" Shego insists.
"I can go home if that's what people want," Meg says diplomatically.
"Guys stop!" Fry cries. Everyone goes quiet and looks at him.
"This can't happen! We can't fight like this!"
"Did you hear what Shego-" Katara begins, Fry cuts her off.
"It doesn't matter what anyone said! We're a team! We're supposed to work together! I know losing hurts, but maybe if we stop fighting for a moment we can remember that we're all teammates, and we like each other."
Fry's brief speech is followed by about ten seconds of silence, before the Ordinals resume arguing, this time far louder.
…
A little while later the ten Ordinals file into the Elimination room bitterly.
"Ordinals…" Chris begins, sounding obnoxiously happy about all this. "That was quite the show today. I'd ask where it went wrong, but I think the real question is where did it go right?"
He laughs heartily at his own joke.
"After today, you guys are gonna need some serious counselling. Fortunately, today you all get the opportunity to peg the blame on somebody, so try and enjoy yourself, because sooner or later you'll be back here. After all, at only two of you will be left by the finale. Or one of you, or none." He shrugs. "Maybe you'll all be pathetically obliterated by mid-game and we'll have an all Supertasks semi-finales. I'm open to anything really. So long as your mental breakdowns are entertaining feel free to have them however you want!"
He chuckles to himself. Peach gives him a dark look.
"Only joking people." He insists. "Or at least, I am as far as you know. Now enough beating around the bush! Let's start narrowing the roster, shall we?"
Entrapta, Daisy and Peach begin making the rounds, passing out chocolate chip cookies and in Peach's case, words of encouragement.
"Fry,
Jack,
Katara,
Miko,
Wallace,
And Vultureman! You should all be holding a cookie right now." Chris informs them. "None of received any votes, so you're all safe."
He turns to the remaining four.
"Alucard, Shego, Meg and Guzma. Seems like you guys all made enemies today. One of you's going home but it won't be…"
The Princesses hand him their remaining cookies and he tosses two out.
"Alucard! Or Meg! You're both safe!"
"What?" Guzma barks. "Way am I in the bottom two?! I've been a model player!"
"Yeah… no you haven't," Miko says. Guzma gives her a look of disbelief.
"Guzma! Shego!" Chris announced.
"One of you's about to go home, and that person is…
…
…
…
…
…To be determined." Chris cries. "It's a tie vote! Probably because Jack summited a blank vote."
Guzma and Shego turn to glare at the boy.
"I didn't see what happened today, it didn't seem fair," He insists.
"Well, now what happens?" Guzma asks.
"While I'd love to make you do some giant dangerous tie-breaker challenge, having a tie this early kind of sort of threw me for a loop, and I couldn't think of one in time," Chris says. "So instead, heaven help us, we're going to borrow the tie-breaker from Endless."
"What's that?"
"You start by picking a number," Conner says.
"Four Thousand," Guzma says.
"Negative Eight," Shego says.
Conner turns. "Chris, what number we're you thinking of?"
"Seventy-Nine,"
"Wonderful. Shego's closest, Guzma's out," Conner says.
Shego smirks, Guzma looks disgusted, almost as much as Wallace and Katara do. The Pokémon Trainer rises to his feet.
"Unbelievable…"
"Guzma, you're exit awaits," Chris says pleasantly.
"I'm aware, thanks. I'm sure my real team's missing me back in Alola,"
He turns and walks out. Slamming the door behind him. The light on his portrait goes out.
…
"Three cheers for the new captain!"
The Supertasks have returned victoriously to their Good Cabin. Steve has his cup in the air leading a shower of praise towards Tenpenny. The Officer receives it with a smirk on his face.
"Yeah, I'm pretty goddamn great." He admits. "But Hell, I've got a goddamn great team behind me. Good work out there folks, especially with that trick with the car. Princess nice going."
Zelda looks up surprised as the team claps for her modestly.
"…Course…" Tenpenny continues. "It was Wayne and Octavius and myself that did the actual heavy lifting, so I think some recognitions due there as well."
Much stronger applause greats Bruce and Olivia. Zelda's shoulders slump downward.
"Alright!" He calls over the noise. "Enough partying. Get your asses to bed! It's late and I want us rested tomorrow!"
"You did excellently today Captain Tenpenny." Elizabeth Bennet says as she turns to retire for the evening.
"Much obliged," Tenpenny says with a smile.
As his team streams happily into their warm beds, He pauses to glance out the window. He sees the Ordinals returning from elimination, all miserable.
Shego discretely looks up at him.
She nods.
He nods back.
…
Half an hour later when everyone's in bed, the two of them met behind the Supertask's cabin.
"What seems to be the problem stranger?" Tenpenny asks coyly.
"The problem is I'm getting sick of waiting." Shego growls in a low voice. "First night here, you quote on quote saved me from getting kicked, and said you'd want to talk in a couple days. Any of that ring a bell?"
"I might remember that yeah…" Says Tenpenny, folding his arms and leaning against the cabin boredly. "You gettin' impatient?"
"Skip the gloating because I don't have time for it," She snaps. "Whatever sort of secret alliance, master and henchwoman thing, situation, whatever you want to call it. I'm in okay? I'll do whatever you want, just start making it happen and fast."
Tenpenny's eyes flash sinisterly.
"Alright then… here's the plan, we team up and take turns running the votes, tomorrow you sabotage your team and pin the blame on somebody I want gone, get them kicked off early, next day, I do the same and you tell me which Supertask you'd like to throw under the bus, day after that we switch back to the Ordinals.
We keep doing that 'til they dissolve the teams, then we pick off anyone left. Won't even matter if we're fond out doing it, we'll be too powerful to stop by then."
Shego thinks it over, smiling of her own accord for the first time all day.
"Yeah… Yeah. That could actually work. You know I'm used to my usual boss coming up with schemes that blow up in his face but you…"
She trails off, Tenpenny's laughing at her.
"Motherfucker, how dumb do you think I am?"
She gives him a blank look.
"So… we're not using that plan?"
He sneers at her. "You think that stupid ass plan's a good idea!? Think the best option is to walk around here with a giant fucking target on our back? Seems like you've already got one over on the Ordinals! How's that working for you? Feel in control Shego?"
"It's not my fault I keep getting targeted!"
"Isn't it? Maybe it'd stop happening if you were such a bitch all the time?"
Shego seizes him by the collar and pins him to the wall of the cabin.
"You promised me an alliance!"
"I told you, you owed me a conversation." Tenpenny clarifies, undaunted by her show of force. "I considered offering an alliance but so far, you haven't exactly convinced me it'd be worth my time."
"Give me a break! It's only been five days!"
"And what've you been doing all that time? Nothing. You're in the same spot you were day one. You want to know what I got done since we started? I got the captain kicked out, then sat by like a fucking boy scout being all nice and goddamn helpful while the chaos sorted itself out. By the time I suggested we get a new captain, they voted me in without me having to say a single fucking word about it.
We've been here just under a week and already I'm the motherfucking king. I own my team Shego! Yours is looking for excuses to kick you out, and you're giving them plenty."
"They're a bunch of insufferably goody two-shoes! What do you want me to do!? Pretend to be their friend and start kissing up to them. Not my style!"
"Well, you better find something that works soon, or else you'll be gone and I won't save your sorry ass. Not until you've proved you can be useful to me."
Shego seems to weigh her options unhappy.
"Ugh. Fine. I'll figure out a way to stay in the game," She insists. "I'm just not kissing anyone's butt to do it."
"Look I'll tell you what? I see you make it to the merge, I'll consider you having proved your worth, and I'll let you into my little kingdom I got."
"That's a promise?"
"Sure, why the hell not? You got my guarantee."
He offers her a hand, she takes it hesitantly. Then turns to leave.
"See you at the merge."
"We'll see about that," Tenpenny says.
"It'll happen!"
"For you're sake I hope it does, and Shego!"
He calls after her as she leaves.
"I enjoyed our little chat, sociable son of a bitch I am, I say we should do it again sometime. You ever need advice on those fuckin' Ordinals don't be a stranger."
"Won't your team get suspicious?"
Tenpenny scoffs.
"Of what? Talking to the competition? Shit… Since when's that been a problem?
Besides I got alibis, whole fucking team trusts my every goddamn word. Wouldn't exactly be rational to be pointing fingers at me now would it?"
With that, they disperse, their quiet deal made in presumed confidentiality.
Tenpenny's right of course. One would have to be a certain level of irrational to scheme against him.
The same level of irrationality perhaps that would cause a man to decide the best place to find a quiet place to sleep in his cabin was on its roof.
Sure enough, high above the two conspirators, Herlock Sholmes grins broadly to himself.
His crime and his culprits had at last fallen into his lap.
…
Back in Rodney's study, Chris surveys the scene.
"Well, that was certainly unexpected!"
Chris clasps his hands together happily.
"On that note, we wrap another very memorable episode-"
…
At some point later in Rodney's study. Conner watches the scene unfold on the display before him. He presses mute and turns to the audience.
"Aha! Almost thought I was going to let him get away with it didn't you? Well, you thought wrong, I was merely toying with your emotions before plunging you into the depths of chaos and deception, just like today's episode."
He pauses.
"That analogue might be stretched a little thin but it's what I'm going with.
What a show we had today folks. As always Chris inferior host he is can never seem to grasp what he's working with here in the Rodney House, that's a sample of this season I'm truly never going to get tired of. Everything else, however, well that was a little topsy-turvy. The Supertasks have gotten their act together and Ordinals it seems can no longer hope to get by on good vibes and a can-do attitude. Some strategy is in order for the Ordinals and it seems like Shego's the one taking initiative which could be bad for the others. Can the others catch up, and can Tenpenny keep his secret dealings under wraps now that the most famous detective in fiction is on to him?
I'd love to tell you truthfully, but thing is that's all in the future, and even I don't know what happens over there.
Looks like we'll just have to find out together, next time, on Total Drama Homespun!"