Chapter 32 - You and me

"They say they don't value what you have, until you lose it. I don't think I knew how much I missed you, until you were in my life every day."

- One tree hill

Hank Voight has always been the figure of safety, security and protection for Lindsay. She saw him as untouchable, indestructible and as much as many think that Lindsay turns a blind eye to many of the things he does, they don't know what she saw, what she experienced, what the man took from her and the contrast with her life. of which he provided her.

He always represented a stability that she liked to have. One she was afraid to return to and knew she would fight to never return to. At that time, he had all the influence over her, which lasted for many years. And he didn't know how to shake Lindsay's dependence on people - her blind loyalty. Before Hank, Erin only had Bunny and then Charlie, two people who used her love, naivety, and blind loyalty for their own benefit.

The young woman at the time found something totally different in the man she saw as a father figure, but this emotional dependence did not go away easily. She was fragile and had such dark fears inside her.

Before therapy, words like Hank's had the power to make Lindsay feel insecure. However, she and her therapist fought hard to keep Lindsay away from the blind loyalty and doubts that permeated her, and this time, everything Hank Voight said wasn't enough. Not when she no longer had this emotional dependence on anyone.

Even though she thought many of the things he said were true, it wasn't really, it wasn't what she believed and not out of naivety, because even though she secretly thought about everything he said, she didn't let it interfere with her life. , no more.

Lindsay didn't let her daughter and Jay get closer with the intention of them becoming father and daughter, she let them get closer because she knew Jay was a great person. She couldn't have predicted that they would get along so well. And she was aware that if she left Charlotte was likely to suffer, but the child understood when she had to leave Nick, Tess and Mac and she spent a lot more time with the nanny. She was a child with feelings that Lindsay would clearly validate, but she was still someone who depended on Erin and she took the reins.

Seeing her daughter dancing in Jay's arms shook her like it always did, but this time, Hank's words were just that, words, because she knew that no matter what direction they took, there was no possibility that she would become Bunny and in fact, all that affected her most about his words was hearing them from Hank. Just as she understood that she was dependent on therapy, Hank saw her the same way. Not that she wasn't an adult with responsibilities, but apparently, to the man, she was probably unstable.

Leaving the conversation hidden in the back of her mind and not even realizing how it got there, the woman found herself in Jay's arms dancing to some instrumental music in the background and her daughter sat on the couch watching the scene. Even though she is still very little, the affective memory that was being created at that moment was excellent and will probably be a memory that will not be erased from Charlotte's memory.

- Okay, my little princess. Why don't we go to sleep? - Lindsay says after the three have danced a little together.

- I want Jay to put me to sleep. -she asks without even complaining that he has to go to bed.

And their surprise was actually her request, it was already customary for Jay to put her to bed, but it wasn't common for her to ask for it, especially with her mother around. However, neither of them questioned it and while Lindsay waited in the living room, Jay took the girl to get ready for bed.

Lindsay knew that with everything she had heard that day, she shouldn't have spied on the man she loves being the most affectionate while she put her daughter to sleep. How he had established a routine she had never seen before. From changing her clothes and brushing her teeth, to putting her to bed making her laugh and telling a story.

There were no stories in his house, one or the other, but apparently, it wasn't necessary, as his little girl loved him to invent one and with a pinch of fairies, unicorns, magic and a princess nicknamed Lottie, a nickname for her name, the woman knew that Jay was probably her favorite storyteller in the whole world.

Unable to take the scene any longer, she leaves.

- A request? - Jay asks as soon as he says that in the story, there is a fairy godmother.

- Yes...

- What request do you want to make? - he questions the girl.

- I can't tell you. It's a secret. - she says in her cute voice, but that doesn't stop him from digging further.

- But for me you can tell, because you know, I can ask the fairy godmother to comply. - he winks at her as if he were the fairy godmother's best friend and if the fairy godmother was going to be Lindsay, he liked to think so.

- No, I can't. - She turns to the other side.

- Hey, no, you can't sleep. - Jay jokes and starts rocking her on the bed and he smiles when he hears her laugh.

Jay had no luck and didn't want to cheer the girl up enough to make her lose sleep. He just kissed her goodnight on the forehead and left the room, leaving the door propped up in case she got up and didn't think she was trapped.

Walking down the hall to the living room, he finds Lindsay taking in the view from her building and walks over to her.

-It's a beautiful view...-he comments when she feels his presence behind her.

- I also think. -the man responds, but his look at Lindsay says they weren't talking about the same subject.

- She slept? - she asks without realizing it.

- Yes, after saying that she had a special request for the fairy godmother and telling me that she can't tell me because otherwise it won't come true.

- Well, I guess that's my fault. - She begins. -She said that her birthday wish wouldn't come true if she said it out loud.

- She took it very seriously.

- I'm going to have to change this, otherwise I'm going to have serious problems with Santa Claus. - they both laugh.

Silence settles and Jay knows he has something wrong with her. He noticed when he saw her standing in the doorway watching them. When Charlotte noticed her and said she had to dance with Jay, he saw her sad look and confessed that he was scared of her look, the fear that she was there to end it all. Mainly due to the fact that she never asked the girl to sleep at his house if she picked her up when Charlotte was awake. She always said that she took advantage of these moments to talk to her daughter in the car and if it weren't for her sad look, he might have thought it was so they could enjoy some time together and he lost all that fear when she gladly accepted his arms. around her.

-A penny for her thought.

- Just a penny? - She turns to him.

- Okay, fifty. - he jokes and she rolls her eyes. - I don't know how many thoughts go through your head... I could go bankrupt.

- And I'll be rich. - She smiles at him.

- But then, what are you thinking? - He caresses her face and looks at her seriously.

- It's no big deal. - She smiles at him and leans over to kiss him softly on the lips. - but I'm tired, can you read me a story? - she teases.

- Does that mean you're going to sleep here? - he had a joke to respond to, but his excitement that she would stay was greater.

- If I can... - she says a little insecurely and he is quick to take that insecurity away from her, making it clear that he was happy that she would sleep there.

Jay offers one of his shirts to her and she gladly accepts. As soon as they enter the room, Lindsay takes off her shirt, not wearing anything he hasn't already seen. At least that's what they both imagined.

- That's... - Jay can't see clearly and approaches. Lindsay's back is turned and when he moves her hair out of the way she knows exactly what he's seeing. - Our baby? - he asks, gently stroking the angel tattoo she has on one of her shoulders. It's nothing big, just wings and a halo.

-Yes...-his answer comes out in a whisper.

She feels Jay kiss right on top. Even though they had sex the night before, it was so frantic that Jay ended up not noticing. They don't talk much anymore as they prepare for bed until they lie down.

- When did you do it? - he asks, stroking the side of her arm.

- A few months after I lost it. -she says.

- It's beautiful. - he says and kisses her softly. The silence returns for a while longer, until she speaks.

- Do you think I would be a mother like Bunny? - she asks and that makes Jay quickly walk away.

- What? Never! - he is quick to respond. - I don't know why you would have any doubts about that, and if you want any answers, just look at Charlotte. For Charlotte's life, never under any circumstances would you look like a mother like Bunny. Because for you to be anything like her, she would first need to be a mother.

- It's just, I'm afraid of failing my daughter.

- I don't have much experience in being a father, you certainly have more than me, but I can assure you that just the fact that you think you're not good enough makes you an excellent mother and you are. I never needed to see you being a mother to know that. Seeing you take care of Charlotte was just confirmation of what you always knew.

Lindsay had motherhood insecurities like any other mother and hearing those words being spoken was a welcome comfort, especially from Jay. The way he spoke with so much certainty or the way he looked at her as she professed her words. She loved him, not just for his words, but for everything he was, he represented and as her therapist once said, he was not and never was someone who demanded anything from her. He loved her without expecting anything in return and that was one of the reasons Lindsay learned to forgive and forgive herself when it came to their relationship.

He left for her, in the same way that she left without saying goodbye for him. This was them, thinking about each other, thinking about their pasts and their burdens that they didn't want the other to bear, even if they were both willing to carry the other's.

They lay in silence, they wouldn't lose themselves in a night of mind-blowing sex or a night of love, they just lay together holding each other and enjoying it. If you asked, this was their favorite part of their relationship, not that they didn't like the friendship or the sex - which was really excellent, but rather this intimacy, this connection they had with each other since they met, trust and giving of themselves. body and soul, knowing that no matter what, they would have each other, and the fact that after 4 years apart they were sharing the same bed, with the same intimacy or even more, was proof enough that what they had was unique, and even without talking about what they would do or actually having a solution to the situation they found themselves in, one thing they were both sure of, they weren't giving up on this, not again.

- Promise me one thing... - Lindsay turns to him and looks at him, eyes shining.

- Of course... what?

- Let's not run away... - he doesn't even wait for her to finish before nodding his head in agreement. - Whatever happens, let's fight for it, for ourselves, let's allow the other to enter, being the most beautiful thing and even the worst or the ugliest, let's share, let's open up...

- I promise! We won't run away anymore...

- Without running away...

- We're in this together, I promise you. I never want to let you go again, without me being by your side. - He kisses her forehead.

- And I don't want to stay, if I don't stay with you. -she says with a tear running down her face. Jay pulls back enough to face her, he brushes away the tear that fell and whispers.

- I love you. -Her words made more tears spill from her eyes.

- I love you more, Jay Halstead. - she says before sealing her lips with his, in a chaste kiss, but full of love and promises, which this time they both know will be fulfilled.

It's not even dawn yet when Lindsay's cell phone rings.

- Is it an affair? - Jay whispers when he hears her snort.

- Yes... - she murmurs. Jay pulls her closer. - I need you to drop Charlie off at daycare for me. - she asks, but already knowing that Jay would have no problem doing so.

- All good.

- Oh shit, she doesn't have spare clothes here. - she remembers. - I think I can try to leave early, but if not, I think she has a daycare center, I can call her and ask.

- I'll stop by Hank, I can get her a seedling.

- No, it's better not to. - Lindsay immediately stops him and he finds it strange.

- No problem, I doubt Hank will say anything to her there.

- As if he couldn't find a way. - Lindsay says.

- I'll be quick, change clothes and leave. - Lindsay didn't like this idea, Hank's words are harsh, she was afraid of what he might say to Jay, but in addition to knowing that Jay wasn't easily shaken, she also trusted their promise the night before, so she quickly He put any crazy idea out of his head and agreed.

- Ugh, I wanted to sleep more. - She changes the subject by complaining about having to go to work, it was still dark outside.

- Do you want me to help you wake up? - Jay pulls her closer, teasing her and kissing her neck showing what he wanted to say.

- I would appreciate it... - she moans into the kiss and directs his lips that are on her neck towards her lips. She intensifies the kiss, but when he goes a little further, she pulls away. - but I can't, or I'll be late. - Jay listened, but the kisses that turned his attention to her neck and ear with light bites apparently didn't. - Do you want to torture me? - she asks, running her hand on the back of his hot neck, encouraging him to continue. They both knew it wouldn't go beyond that, but she was loving the attention.

- No, since I can't wake you up the way I want, I'll keep you on alert and who knows, maybe tonight you'll be lucky? -he teases, placing one last kiss on her neck.

- I'm counting on it. - she says giving a little longer peck before getting up. She notices Jay's tent and stares at him. - Don't have fun without me. - she warns and goes to the bathroom to get ready for the day and soon realizes that she doesn't have any spare clothes either, God, she just hopes that her team doesn't notice.

Jay could consider himself a workaholic, he lived at work and went out considerably little and almost always with the work team, he could complain that to study for sergeant he didn't need to be exempt from night cases, that he could deal with that, but he He didn't complain and it wasn't even about the simple fact that he could stay in bed for a few more hours, it was the fact that he would take Charlotte to school.

He had at least a couple more hours of sleep before his biological clock woke him up, but he couldn't go back to sleep, it wasn't because he was watching his girlfriend get ready for the case, at the same time he wanted to pull her to bed. and give her a reason to be late, but because her girlfriend was Erin Lindsay. Jay never saw himself getting back into any relationship, even though after breaking up with Allie, they had other nights together, Jay didn't see himself getting back together with her and this was definitively sealed when a smart detective came into her life.

However, with Lindsay it was different, everything was different, it had always been like this. The end of their relationship came due to both their faults and lack of communication, but the love was always there, from the beginning, from when they were partners, friends and then something more. They were serious from the beginning, from the first flirtation and the fact that they didn't give in to carnal desire, is because that was different. It wasn't friendship with benefits, it wasn't behind Hank's back or without feelings, it was for real, from the beginning. And the beginning where they knew they liked each other, they wanted to get to know each other better, but they didn't want to break the rules.

Jay accepted her, accepted her loyalty to Voight, was by her side when she thought she didn't deserve it, when she preferred to be forgotten for good, at the same time that even if he didn't want to, she carried his burden with him. When with just one look she knew about the army or about children's cases that affected it. When he isolated himself after Terry's death and she was present and at that moment he was the one who thought she didn't deserve it. They were always partners, they welcomed each other's pain.

When Lindsay left, Jay lost it, it wasn't right, it wasn't what he had planned for them, they had so much to cover. So it was more than a surprise that after separating them, four years later destiny brought them together again, they seemed even more intimate, even more partners and even more in love with each other.

Lindsay left him behind to go to work and left the most precious thing in her life in Jay's trust. It was crazy for him to think that one had to stay, because in the next room slept a little 4 year old girl, someone he learned to love the second he saw her, someone who seemed to have completed what was missing in his life and he was grateful. that's why. He was grateful he's living this.

He remembers when he was looking at apartments and found this one. He thought it was too big and spacious, that the guest room wasn't even necessary and if it wasn't at a very good price and wasn't recommended by a friend, he definitely wouldn't choose this one. He didn't want to feel alone in such a spacious apartment, even though he was dating Hailey at the time, he didn't imagine children or anything like that with her, so a small, "bachelor" apartment was supposed to be enough and thankfully it was not. It wasn't enough, not when there was enough space for Charlotte to mirror her toys, for him to chase after her while they played tag or when he danced in the living room with her and her mother. The guest room was necessary, it was supposed to be big and spacious, so he could put Charlotte to sleep every night. He loves that apartment.

With that thought, Jay goes to the woman he loves. He knows he's not going to let her move into the apartment next door, he's not thinking about going anywhere other than with her and unlike when he looked at this apartment, when he didn't even make it an issue to discuss. arguing with Hailey, he remembers the time his contract was ending years ago. When he thought it was an opportunity to bring up the possibility of him and Lindsay moving in together. When, he was afraid that she would refuse him, but in fact, in addition to wanting that, she wanted them to be able to pay off the mortgage together, which made it clear to him that she had future plans with him. Even though it didn't work out back then, here they were. He knows what he wants, he knows exactly what he wants and the conversation last night made him sure that she also knows what she wants. He just needed to sort out one thing.

Since last night, he had been watching Erin. She arrived sad and since at no point did she try to end the relationship, which she had barely started again, he had two points. Bunny or Hank. The doubt that she was like her mother made Jay think that she had found her by accident and made her have these fears, she didn't say anything, but neither did Jay, that is, it didn't mean that she hadn't found her again. . However, Jay was a detective, he was paid to investigate and well, he used his skills, to confirm that the reason for her sadness was Hank Voight, he was sure because she tensed up as soon as he offered to go get a seedling. of clothes at Voight's house. He said something, probably about the two of them and Lindsay was afraid of the words Hank might spill on him, but Jay didn't care.

Erin said that Hank would find a way to have a little talk with him, but little did she know that it was Jay who would find a way to talk to him.

He was happy because Charlotte was overjoyed that he was going to take her to school. For the girl, having Jay around seemed like a very good thing, she never complained. She always wondered about her mother, but was never sad when she knew she would spend time with Jay. She loved Makayla and Sarah, their nanny, but she cried and complained a few times, but not with Jay, with Jay he was always good and fun and when she was angry it was because of other matters, not because of him in question. He knew it and he loved it.

- Pumpkin... - Voight smiles when he sees the girl run up to him.

- Grandpa Hank... - she says and hugs him. This was new and this was music to Hank's ears. This girl knew the way to people's hearts. - Guess who's going to take me to daycare today? - even though it was a question, it didn't take long for her to respond with the greatest enthusiasm in the world. - Jay!

Hank had already seen the man, but ignored him when the girl greeted him.

- Good morning, Voight. - Jay greets him, his voice thick and tense. After waking up Charlotte, they had breakfast, so Jay would spend as little time as possible at his ex-sergeant's house. Just enough for a change of clothes and your private conversation with the man.

- Morning. - Hank stands up to Jay's height and his deep voice resonates with that of the future sergeant.

- Princess, do you want to go get some toys upstairs? I'll catch up with you. - Jay says, already imagining that the girl would get lost in the toys and he wouldn't stay long either. - We can talk? - he asks as soon as they both finish watching whether the girl was climbing the stairs safely.

Hank wasn't that surprised with Jay there, he and Lindsay were loving playing house and Lindsay had always been defiant since she was 15, that was all the more reason she was the rebellious girl he took off the streets, but he confesses he's surprised that Jay wants to talk. He always knew that Jay would do anything for Lindsay and that it was hard to convince Lindsay when she was willing to butt heads with him, but Hank knew that Jay was different and Hank knew exactly where to push. He was already willing to have a conversation with Jay, if he had had time he would have asked Charlotte to come and play.

- Of course, come in. - he says and Jay just closes the door behind him, but doesn't walk much further.

- I'll stay here, I'll be brief, I just came to get some things and talk to you.

- Did she tell you? - Hank asks in a dismissive tone.

- It's not necessary, not when her face shows that someone she loves and trusts is capable of making her sad. I just wonder, for what Voight?

- I didn't make her sad, I told the truth, I'm opening her eyes, she's like a daughter to me and I'm taking care of her. You would know what this is if you were a parent.

- No! You're not taking care of her, not when you compare her to Bunny!

- I didn't compare her to Bunny! He said that she could get lost if something bad happened, that this could harm her daughter, it was a warning. - Jay mocks.

- What a beautiful warning, using a trauma for her as a warning, making her insecure as a warning. She's not 15 anymore Hank!

-But she acts like one! What do you think? Who will be able to raise a daughter between states? Or are you going to leave everything here to go live there, because if not, it's very selfish of you to take Lindsay and Charlotte away from their safety in NY. Have you ever thought what happens if one of you two dies? You act on impulse, without thinking about the consequences, you didn't think twice before falling into bed. They didn't last the fucking 6 months she was supposed to stay here just for you to pass the exam. They act on impulse, they can't hold back and think coldly while there is much more than just sex involved.

- Wow, I'm sorry, I think you know a lot more about my life or our lives than we do, don't you? We don't act like children, we are responsible for our attitudes and I can guarantee you one thing, Lindsay would never do anything that could harm Charlotte and if you can't handle that, the problem is with you. And I would never do something thinking only about myself without thinking about the consequences.

- No, you just act as if the world is the perfect world, that's not how things work.

- Wow, if it weren't for you to warn me, I wouldn't know what would become of me. - mocks.

- Lindsay is unpredictable, you know, you've seen...

- You should have more faith in her.

- I already had it! And that's when I say they are reckless, they think they can fix everything with love. I know where she came from, I know who she runs to when she's in trouble and needs her shit sorted out. I know where she goes when she is weak and wants to give up everything. Do you know how many times I took her off the streets or out of a stranger's car? Or how many times did I have to rescue her from her mother or Charlie and she still wanted to stay with them? Or how many times Camille or I bathed her after withdrawal and searched her room for drugs, or sleepless nights because we were afraid she would run away from home and maybe it would be the last time we would see her alive? No, you do not know. She does not know.

- Everything you did for her is very beautiful, moving and if there's something I thank you for every day, it's that, even if you don't want my thanks. - Jay says and continues. - But that was years ago, she was a teenager, she was abandoned, she lived in a world where no one should live and that's it. You took it away. Move on, don't ask for feedback, her blind loyalty for that.

- I don't ask.

- True, he doesn't ask, but he waits for her to do it. You let her do it! Do you know how many times I've heard that she would like to return the favor you did her? Do you know how hard it was for me to lie next to her every day with her waking up scared with nightmares, after you killed Kevin Bingham and then she covered up the body to "pay" for what you did for her? And do you know why it was difficult for me? It wasn't because I couldn't sleep or because I was worried about her. Because that's what she does for me and that's what I'm willing to do for the one I love. The difficult thing is knowing that the welcome you gave her left her with a feeling that she should reciprocate what they did for her, it was always there, it was never reaffirmed that she shouldn't be or exist, that she should never have to "pay", because that's what Bunny and especially Charlie did...

- I didn't ask her to do that... - Hank was affected by those words.

- You're right, you didn't ask. You just let her do it, let her be loyal and you know, Voight, I don't blame you, because I don't think it was on purpose, but you let her. You liked her loyalty, you liked and like being in control, that if you have her in control, she won't run after Bunny, she won't throw herself into drugs, but you still do the same as them. You make her dependent and look, just because her dependence on you doesn't make her fall into the pit again doesn't mean it's good. Do you know the best part of her past that I witnessed? When she covered up the body and said she didn't owe you anything anymore. She spent four years without her influence and the marks on her body that I saw tell me that she suffered much more than she shared with us. What she experienced with Charlotte shows that she is not dependent and if she is not, she will sink. She knows how to answer for herself, she always has, you just need to cut the cord.

- I love her and I don't want to lose her. I've had too many losses, losses because of me and...

It was so different being at Jay's house, having his banter and flirting be their thing even after years. Being able to be deep, open up about your fears and insecurities and know that that guy over there wouldn't run away. He never ran away. Since high school she had lied to be accepted, so that people would let her join her group, but Jay... Ah... those green eyes and smart smile were always different. Telling about her life at the bar on the night of her high school party was much more than she thought. Him being her partner has always gone far beyond service or saving her from death.

That night, years ago he held her hand and little did she know that he was willing to never let go. Her maybe one day never even came close to what she imagined, even though things didn't turn out very well. Because, oh definitely, everything they felt at that time never died, even everything falling apart and going wrong, even years apart the spark, the friendship and the partnership were the same or even better.

Saying goodbye to him in bed before going to work was the best, knowing that her baby was safe with him was the best and if she didn't know better, listening to his conversation with Voight answered everything.

She had time to get off work, she was going to let him know and try to pick up her daughter before going to daycare, but he didn't answer and she figured he was already at Hank's. The way he defended her, how he believed in her. She knows she didn't catch the whole conversation, but Jay was there, defending her and she knows he read it last night, she smiles at underestimating that man. To imagine that her poker face, her smile would be enough for him. He might be a terrible liar, but she was even more so when it came to lying to him.

He welcomed her and took care of her, without pressure and without questions, but never without taking care of her, without doing something about it. She didn't even know what to do, should she go away and leave them there talking? Should she go in and get it over with? She got her answer with Hank's words, the guilt and fear that came out of her tone when he said:

- I love her and I don't want to lose her. I've had too many losses, losses because of me and...

- You won't lose me... ever. Not even when it hurts me, because I know you don't do it on purpose, that you don't want to hurt me. - her entrance takes the men in her life by surprise. The tears in her eyes say that she didn't just hear that end of the conversation.

- Erin... - Hank says in a whisper.

- Can you leave us alone for a while? -she says touching his arm and looking at him, trying her best to convey her gratitude to him and say that everything is okay and she knows he understands.

- Do you want me to take Charlotte to school? - he asks and this woman will never stop wondering how he always knows.

- Yes, I just want to say hi to her first, that's what I came here to do. - she says, explaining herself. Voight nods and lets them both go up.

- Hi sunshine... - Erin says and the girl who was sitting on the floor among the toys gets up and runs towards her mother.

- Mommy... - she smiles in her mother's arms. And as she walks away, she notices Jay standing to the side. - Jay, you took a long time. - she says and the two adults laugh.

- I'm sorry. - he says and before he can continue, she says sadly.

- You're not going to take me to school anymore? - her eyes shining and her tearful voice says that she was one step away from crying if he denied it.

- Of course I'm going, mom came here just to give you a kiss and we're going. -The tears are sucked back into her little eyes and her sad face is replaced by a smile from ear to ear and this intrigues Erin. If her daughter wasn't 4 years old, she would suspect that the girl had some crazy idea in that little thinking head and even at her young age, Lindsay was a detective and knew very well the little monster she had at home, so she knows that Charlotte is thinking about something, she just can't know what it is and if she didn't have much on her mind, she would try to find out.

Within 10 minutes she changed her clothes and Jay and Erin put together a backpack with some little things for her before she gave "Grandpa Hank" a kiss and walked out the door bouncing and humming that Jay would take her to daycare.

Erin was going to stall to get into it, but as soon as they walked out the door the man pretty much picked up where he left off.

- I can't lose you, everything I say is for your good.

- It's not, Hank. You might think so, but it's not. I won't listen to you, follow your advice or even fight about it, but I'm upset to know that even after years, you still think I'm the same girl you took off the street at 15.

- You are stronger, you are responsible and independent, but you are fragile.

- I'm stronger than you think.

- I know you do. It's just... I don't know if I can handle losing you.

- You are not going.

- You can't promise.

- I really can't, just as I can't say if I will be here for my daughter until she is able to take care of herself, but I can promise that there is absolutely nothing in the world that will make me raise my daughter the way Bunny raised me and that nothing will make me go back to drugs or the pit I once was. Because I've been there more times than I can count Hank, I've come back from all of them for one reason or another and I guarantee you, because my daughter I would never go back there and for her, I will never stay there. And no matter what you say, we lost Camille, Justin, Nadia, all because of life, not because of our work, because of murderers who we fought with our own lives to get them off the streets. I can't guarantee that a crazy person won't try to harm my daughter, just as I can't prevent her from dying because of an accident, unfortunately that's life, we're not always prepared for what it has in store for us, but we try do our best. If I don't die, there is nothing in the world that would make me stay away from my daughter or harm her in any way.

- I just want you to be happy and safe.

- Me being in Manhattan is not synonymous with safety and with me or Jay and trusted people she will be safe and even then something could happen. And Jay and I don't have any plans, but we both know what we want, we're both going to work it out between us, whether you like our relationship or not. -she says and smiles as she remembers something she said to him in the past. -Once, we were still partners and I told him that anyone who asked my father for permission to go out with me shouldn't even waste his time, but Jay always respected me and respected his rules. We always wait for the "right" moment and he always respected you, respected you for what you did for me, for your care for me. He always respected my loyalty to you, even if at first I placed it above his. He's an incredible guy, he came here today just because he knew that yesterday I wasn't well, even though he didn't know anything, he came to give you a warning, he's my partner Hank, he always has been and I know he always will be. He's one of the good ones and this time I'm not leaving without looking back. I will not leave a wonderful, incredible man who I love and who loves me behind. I won't leave my family behind, I won't leave you behind. Chicago is my city and I don't even care if I live in NY, Los Angeles, Bolivia, or wherever life takes me, but I know I have my family, I'm not giving up on them, not this time.

Charlotte's daycare also had car service, parents would stop at the door and a member of staff would pick up the child or children, but Jay wasn't going to miss the opportunity to take Charlotte to his room, especially when she seemed so happy and enthusiastic.

- Good morning, Charlotte. Good morning sir, Halstead. - the teacher greets them at the classroom door.

- Good morning... - Jay responds right after the girl. - It's delivered, princess. -he bends down to her level and she wraps him in a hug tighter than her little arms can handle, before kissing him on the cheek and walking away to say goodbye. - Behave, be good to yourself, your classmates and the teacher. - he repeats Erin's mantra. - I'll come get you later. I love you. - he says kissing her forehead.

- Bye, Jay. I love you. - Charlotte says and runs into the room.

Jay swears he heard right, why else would his heart be racing and his legs wobbly? The girl said she loved him and it was her first time saying that, whenever he said it she smiled at him and he even heard something like "me too", but nothing like her actually using "I love you". He just wanted to walk into that room and pull her into his arms and tell her a million more times how much he loved her. But he didn't. He couldn't be having a better day, not when he once again told the woman he loved that he loved her, not when she said the same and now, the little girl he loved just said it. She was so radiant all day today just because he was taking her to school, and he was the one who picked her up every time. Lost in thought he leaves.

Charlotte entered the room, her friends Heather and Emily were watching her walking towards her.

- Was it your father? - Heather asks.

The day before, a friend of hers who arrived every day with her father commented that she loved it when it was her father who took her to school and Charlotte was thoughtful, Jay always picked her up and she wanted to know why taking her was cooler. She didn't think it was a big deal, she liked it when her mother took her too, but she liked that it was going to be Jay who took her to school too. However, this question made her stop. He wasn't her father.

-No.-She responds innocently.

- So who was it? - asks Caleb, a colleague who was a little further ahead.

- Jay... - she responds, sitting on the messy wheel.

- Who is Jay? -Heather asks confused and her friends look at her curiously. She doesn't know if she can answer this question. Last night she asked her fairy godmother to be her daddy, she is still waiting for an answer.

- My friend and mom's.

- But he looks like your father. - responds Emily.

- Yes... - his classmates agree.

- I don't have a daddy. - she responds.

- Me neither, just mom and my brother Caio. My daddy went to heaven. - Caleb responds.

- And yours, did you go to heaven too? - Emily asks and Charlotte shrugs.

- I don't know.

- My dad said he had a lot of work to do, but my dad, Nathan, said he was going to be my daddy. He's very nice, he plays with me every day. - replies Heather.

- Do you want to know a secret? I asked the fairy godmother for Jay to be my daddy. - she says "quietly". - But she still hasn't answered me. -her little shoulders fall in disappointment.

- Just call him daddy. I called Nathan Nathan and when I called him daddy he smiled. - says Heather.

- Really? - Charlotte asks, excited about the idea.

Jay was anxiously waiting for Erin to arrive at work. He was worried about her, but he was dying to tell her that Charlotte said she loved him. He was relieved when he saw her come up and her face was calm and happier than the night before, which meant that the conversation with Hank wasn't bad. He was ready to pull her aside, but work was calling them. He had been waiting all day to have a moment alone with her and he was glad it didn't take that long. He did his interrogation and when he finished he noticed that she was alone in the office.

Jay came in and in professional terms updated her on what he and Torres had accomplished. Rojas and Ruzek were talking to the victim's family and Burgess and Atwater were returning to the bullpen after going out to lunch.

Jay updated her, but instead of standing up like Lindsay thought he would, he continued to sit there staring at her and it didn't seem to be about wanting to know about the conversation with Hank, he seemed, happy?

- What it was? - she asks with a suspicious smile.

- Everything is fine? How was it with Voight? -she asks, but she feels that's not what's behind his emotion.

- Yes, we talked. He understood what you meant, he listened to me. - Lindsay looks outside, Torres sitting working on the computer and she takes advantage of the fact that the door is closed to reach out and place her hand in Jay's. - Thank you for what you said. - she says and he smiles.

- It was nothing. - he says and if it weren't for her curiosity about him, she would have remained grateful, but then changes the subject.

- Was everything okay with Charlotte? - she asks and Jay's smile widens and eyes shine with excitement as if she had told a 5 year old child that they were going to Disney, it was the answer that told her the reason for happiness, but she wanted to know exactly what because and she didn't even need to ask him to answer.

- More than fine. I took her to the living room, then I bent down to say goodbye to her, I said I would pick her up later and that I loved her. And guess what? -even though he asked, he didn't take a second to answer, as if he had conquered the world. - She said "bye, Jay. I love you." Do you believe that? - she replied back, she had never said that.

Erin refused to let her heart stop there. Jay was everything she told Hank earlier. His happiness upon hearing her daughter saying that she loved him was the most beautiful thing to see. It seemed like he had become a millionaire, and he was, but it was out of love for Charlotte. It was such a simple thing for many, but it meant a lot to him and his reaction meant a lot more to her. She didn't even have the words to respond to him and so the only way she knew she could respond to this wonderful man in front of her was by getting up and kissing him.

Too bad when she was halfway there Kim and Kevin knocked and walked in the door and she's thankful she was standing by her desk and not pressing Jay's mouth to hers when they walked in. A grateful Erin and a confused Jay, who had no idea what she was going to do, headed towards the two new people in the room.

- I think we achieved something. - Atwater says, neither he, nor Kim nor even Jay aware of what Erin wanted to do.

Atwater received a call and they found the culprit, in fact the culprit himself turned himself in. He had spoken to the officer earlier that day and guilt consumed him and he ended up turning himself in. The man was arrested, accused of having killed his own brother out of pure envy.

They would have paperwork and they were doing it, but since it was quiet, Lindsay decided she would accompany Jay to daycare.

- You didn't say anything after I said Charlotte said she loved me. - Jay says, insecurity consuming him ever since. They were leaving the garage towards the parking lot and she remained silent. This worried him even more. - Look Erin, I know that... - he finds it strange when she follows him on the passenger side and before he can reason that maybe it's because she's going to let him drive, he is surprised by her placing him against the car and the kissing.

She waited the entire case to be able to do this and the moment she realized the parking lot was empty, she knew she couldn't miss the chance. Not when she needs his lips on hers, like a living thing needs oxygen to survive.

- What was this? - he says after walking away, trying to get air back into his lungs.

- Just because I love you and it doesn't surprise me that my daughter does too. -she smiles at him and caresses her face, letting him know that it's okay for her little girl to love him, because everyone already knew that, she just hadn't verbalized it yet.

Jay gets into the car on the driver's side, happier than he remembers, his day was perfect. So perfect since the night before. From him dancing with Charlotte, after him dancing with Lindsay and him knowing that her sadness was not a sign that they would break up. From their conversation in the early morning, the confidentiality, the exchange of love and their conversation with Voight that didn't make her angry at Jay for messing around and made her even happier. Ever since she saw that little girl with blue-green eyes hug him tightly and say that she loves him. And even if it wasn't deja-vu, even if it was him driving, even if they weren't stopped at a red light and he had to be more focused on the street in front of him and not lost in thought, he asks a question that came in in his mind earlier today and believed it would take a lot longer for him to actually have the courage to ask, than to simply ask now, but he was having a good day and he knew he was in luck.

- I want you to come live with me. - he says and Lindsay, who had her head resting on the backrest, watching the road and one hand on his leg, looks at him completely shocked. She heard perfectly. He smiles, he just needed her to say yes and without even thinking, here she was, once again betting all her chips on this, this relationship. Life, please don't disappoint us.

- Fine. - she smile. That's what she wanted to say and they would find a way, they would find a way to make it work, because it was what both of their hearts wanted.

Nothing could make Jay happier right? Wrong. Earlier he seemed to have won a trip to Disney, however, everything changed when instead of the smile with baby teeth, usually directed when Erin picked her up, the run with open arms to the sound of mommy echoed from his little mouth. . Jay had probably won the lottery today, his trip to Disney included all the toys and forever. Or anything that could make someone happy, or maybe nothing, absolutely nothing, could have made that man happier today. Not the fact of saying and receiving I love you from Erin and Charlotte. Because that little baby tooth smile, that short run, was towards him, even with Erin next to him. And instead of being mommy or the usual JAYYYY, she said what else she wanted to say and he most wanted to hear.

- DADDYYYY - the girl catapulted into her arms and he was quick to grab her and hug her.

"Daddy", that's what she called him, it was what he always thought was hers and after he knew that at least biologically, he wasn't, he wanted to be, he made himself present and he wanted that in a few years, after he and Lindsay could solve their adult problems, he could take that step, tell Lindsay and Charlotte that he wanted to be her father, but that 4-year-old girl didn't have a few years to wait when her little heart already said that Jay was her daddy. Mainly, when the teacher came in and asked what those little angel faces were talking about so much and that was when one of the children asked what it was like to be "daddy".

The teacher explains that children are always made by a "daddy" and a "mommy", some are good, others unfortunately cannot take care of them, but then there are the daddies from the heart, those who take care of you, put you to sleep, they make people laugh and everything else that Charlotte noticed that Jay, her friend, did. As soon as she understood the teacher's words, she decided to follow her little friend Heather's advice. Jay was her daddy and she was just going to call him that from now on.

From outside, you could see Lindsay with a man and his daughter. HIS DAUGHTER in the arms of a strange guy smiling and hugging him. That bitch took absolutely everything from him, his business, his wife Claire - that cheater, and his little daughter. Now that agent was there, living the American dream with an unknown man and his daughter. Bryan Roberts wasn't going to let this happen cheaply. It took him three years to find his daughter, she was adopted by Erin Lindsay, the real name of the bastard who deceived him, who posed as Scarlett Adams to destroy his life, now his daughter's official name was just Charlotte Lindsay. She made a point of taking her daughter's name, a tribute to his mother, Melanie Roberts.

The moment Lindsay turns to leave the daycare, he notices the man, now no longer so unknown to him. That was Patrick Halstead's middle son, his half brother, Jay Halstead. It wasn't enough to have stayed with their father, with the good and wonderful life instead of Bryan's terrible and suffering one, here was Jay Halstead, holding his niece in his arms as if she were his daughter.

Bryan smiles, his revenge could be better than he imagined. He wasn't just going to destroy Erin Lindsay.

The man disappears into the alley after seeing the three leaving the daycare.

"Life looks like Pac-Man sometimes. It's the same game, again and again. The same scenario. The same ghosts. From time to time you get a lot of cherries, but eventually and inevitably the ghosts reach you."

- This is us