Blu, Jewel, and the group were exiting Pedro and Nico's club. They had been there for a few hours, flying around the city before that. The sky had went from its pastel blue look earlier to an orange-reddish shade, the sun beginning to disappear over the horizon. It was the first time Jewel had seen Blu genuinely happy in a while.
"Oh, man. That was awesome, like cheese and sprinkles!", Blu said. "The club looked great!"
Jewel nodded. "Yeah, the lights looked amazing. How'd you get them?"
"We know a guy, who knows a-"
"Hey, you!"
Blu turned to see an old and aged hyacinth macaw trying to catch his attention. "Yeah, you!", the bird said, slowly flying down in front of Blu.
"Uh... yeah?", Blu asked nervously.
The bird eyed Blu up and down, suspiciously.
"Are you Danilo's son?"
Blu's look of nervousness turned into one of surprise. "Uh... Danilo? I don't know a Danilo."
"You sure?", the elderly macaw asked. "You look just like him! If he's not your father, who is?"
"You have GOT to be kidding me.", Blu thought.
Blu just shook his head. "Uh, no sir... and I don't know who my father is."
The hyacinth's look of suspicion turned into one of sorrow. "Oh... I'm sorry.", he began. "You just remind of an old friend I had named Danilo... he's a spix, like you."
"Oh, really?", Blu asked, trying to hide his annoyance. "That's... that's nice to hear. Uh, where did you last see him?", Blu asked.
"The last time I saw him was in his old hollow, out here in Rio. But that was nearly 20 years ago... he was leaving the hollow and relocating to Bahia.", the old bird said. "I haven't seen or heard from him since... he disappeared without a trace."
Blu didn't say anything. He sat there in stunned silence.
"Well... adios.", the old bird said. "Enjoy yourselves.", he smiled as he turned to Jewel and the others.
The bird turned around and flew away, leaving Blu to stare at the ground in disbelief.
Rafael, Pedro and Nico noticed this and looked silently at each other, unsure of what to say to help Blu process the information he was just told.
Jewel walked up to Blu and placed her wing gently around his back feathers. "Blu..."
Blu looked up and turned his head to look at Jewel.
"Do you think it's him?"
Jewel looked at him. "I don't know Blu... what do you think?"
"Well... I'm nearly 20 years old... and I was born in a jungle here in Rio... but I don't remember where exactly.", he said.
"Well, then maybe it is your pops!", Pedro said, as Blu turned around to look at him.
"Yeah," Nico chimed in. "If everything lines up from your age to the location, there's a big chance it is him."
He turned back to Jewel, still unsure of what to think. "...Should I go look for him?"
"I mean, Bahia isn't that far away from here...", Jewel began. "It's up to you. I'm not going to force you to do anything that you don't want to do. But if you want to go find him, I'll help you.", she smiled.
"Yeah, amigo! We'll help you find him!", Rafael said.
Blu looked out into the distance. "What about my mother?", Blu asked. "...I don't think she's with him. Do you think she's out there somewhere too?"
"Only one way to find out...", Jewel said, her tone uncertain, her once subtle smile gone.
Blu began to have a familiar feeling in his gut, but said nothing as he began to walk away.
"...I don't know. I need to think about this.", he said. "If you need me, I'll be asleep in the hollow..."
Blu lifted himself off the ground with his wings, and slowly began to fly away.
The three just looked at him, and turned to each other, unsure of what to do. They turned to Jewel, who seemed concerned.
"You alright, girl?", Pedro asked.
She shook her head. "No... I'm worried. This doesn't help him."
"Help him?", Nico repeated. "What do you mean?"
Jewel sighed. "Blu's been off recently. Every day, he's been depressed, and he acts as if he can hide it. I try to get him to open up, but nothing works!"
"Depressed? He seemed fine today.", Nico said, surprised.
"That's the first time I've seen him genuinely happy in a while.", Jewel said. "The other day, before we left... he got asked about his real parents and family by my father and Beto... even though they were told he had been with Linda for his entire life.", she said, agitated.
She paused and rolled her eyes. "Ugh. Anyways... he got asked about them and lost his temper. Now that his father's getting brought up by some random bird..."
Jewel paused for a moment, seemingly choosing her words carefully.
"He's already bothered by something, clearly. Now this gets added? I don't want it to give him more problems. But if it does give him more problems, he's not going to tell me about them, and I don't know how to help him deal with them!" Jewel groaned in frustration. "I don't know what to do."
"Hmm...", Nico began. "Well, normally when a girl sees me or Pedro in a bad mood, she-"
Jewel held up a wing.
"Nico, I swear. If you tell me to have sex with Blu to cheer him up, I'm going to shove your bottle cap down your beak, okay?"
Nico's eyes quickly glanced over to Pedro's. "I like my bottle cap...", he whimpered, as he began to cover himself behind Pedro.
Jewel sighed. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't mean that. I just..."
She turned to Rafael. "Any ideas? Mimi told me bringing him back to Rio would be a good idea, but it's clearly deeper than that."
"Ah, Jewel... remember what I told Blu when I first met you two?", he said, as he placed a feather on her head. "It's not what you think up here."
He lowered it to her heart. "It's what you feel in here.", he smiled as he lowered his wing. "And sure, that was about flying, but... it can be about anything, really. The most important thing is what his heart feels."
"But he won't tell me what he feels in his heart. Mimi said that he might be afraid of something, and I've... I've been thinking about it and trying to find answers, but I just don't know. I don't know what he's afraid of, or why he's afraid."
"Well, what do you think he's most afraid of?"
Jewel thought for a few seconds. "...I think he's afraid of not being good enough. Not being good enough for me, or for the kids... he's brought that up before. I always try to remind him that he's more than enough... he's the only bird I love, and that will never change. Maybe he doesn't want to bring it up anymore... maybe he's afraid that I'll get tired of hearing that... and that if he keeps bringing it up, it'll come true...", Jewel asked herself.
"Maybe so.", Rafael said. "If you ask me, that makes his mind his greatest fear. Like I said...", Rafael trailed off.
He placed the same feather back on the top of her head. "Not about this."
Jewel's downcast look turned into a soft smile. "Thank you, Rafael. That means a lot."
Rafael just nodded.
"I'm going to fly back to the hollow.", Jewel said. "It's getting late."
"Same here.", Rafael said, as he turned to Pedro and Nico. "You two coming?"
Nico was still half-hidden behind Pedro. "Will I lose my cap and have to crap it out?"
Jewel was visibly taken aback by what she heard, while Rafael just groaned and rolled his eyes. "Ew, no! I don't want to hear that!", she said in disgust.
"Come on, bro.", Pedro said, turning to Nico. "Don't talk to a lady like that."
"Says you!", Nico retorted. "Earlier today when we first met with them, you were trying to get into her and Blu's personal business!"
Pedro stared in bewilderment. "What?! Bro, you were too! That's the whole reason... nevermind, bro, you trippin'. She was just kidding anyways. Stop being a... you know."
"I'm sensitive about my cap!", Nico whined.
Pedro just responded by also rolling his eyes. "Yeah, we'll go with y'all."
Blu awoke on the psychiatrist's couch, the very same one from the previous night.
"How do you feel?"
Blu turned his head to see Yin, sitting in the same chair as the last time.
"About what?"
"About earlier. When the hyacinth told you about your father.", Yin said. "How do you feel?"
Blu was silent for a few seconds.
"...I don't know how to feel."
"You're nervous. That's how you feel."
"Yeah, I mean... what if-"
"Your father was leaving Rio before you were born. He flew all the way to Bahia and vanished. Do you know why?"
"...Don't say it."
"It's because he didn't love you. He was never going to love you. And, considering you can't remember her... your mother probably didn't either."
"You're just trying to mess with my head."
"Absolutely!", Yin smiled. "That's what I do."
"You know what? Screw this, I'm out.", Blu huffed, as he stood up from the couch and began to walk out of the room, his talons seemingly making no noise on the wooden hollow floor.
"Wait!"
"What?!", he shouted as he looked behind.
"You can't leave. Not yet.", Yin said, as he slowly began to write on the notepad.
"Why not? You're not doing anything but making me feel worse! You think I don't know that already? You thi-"
"It's not me you're mad at."
"Uh, actually, it is. Goodbye."
Just as Blu was about to leave, he was blocked by an invisible barricade, a complete darkness outside of the room that prevented him from leaving.
"...What the hell? What is this?"
Yin ignored the question. "Don't worry about it. Like I said, you can't leave yet."
Blu tried to push on the pitch-black blockade with his wings, but to no avail.
He tried with his talons. Nothing.
"Don't bother.", Yin said. "It's not going to do anything. Just sit back down and wait patiently."
Blu exhaled loudly before he turned back around.
"Alright, fine. Next topic?", Blu said as he rolled his eyes.
"How you felt after The Pit o-"
"No. No, no, no."
"You can't hide it, Blu. No matter how hard you try. It lingers in the back of your head... it's stayed there ever since."
Blu turned his back to Yin, crossing his wings as he said nothing.
"I see you're trying to ignore me."
Silence.
"It's not gonna work. You can try to ignore me as much as you want, but I'm always going to be here. Whether that's physically or mentally... I'm the yin to your yang."
Yin extended his wing over to the psychiatrist's couch.
"Now like I said, sit down and wait. Patiently.", Yin repeated firmly.
"...Fine.", Blu said as he turned around and sat back down on the couch.
"You're a good listener, Blu. That's the ONLY thing I can give you credit for. Now, let's think about what happened after the Pit of Doom.", Yin began. "How did you feel?"
Blu took a deep breath before opening his beak.
"I felt like a failure. I... I felt like I had lost everything. Jewel, the kids... I thought my life was over."
He paused.
"...I... I was going to leave Linda and the human life behind, for the family, but... I figured Jewel was going to leave me regardless... and was leaving me for a better mate. I thought she realized I wasn't good enough.
Blu was flying back to Linda's camp, thinking to himself.
"It's come to this.", he thought to himself. "I have to leave Linda for them... the one who I've been with my whole life... but it's either her or Jewel, and I don't want Jewel to leave me. I don't want to be lonely."
As he continued flying, he began to feel anger.
"It's really come to this. I mean... how could I do something so stupid? Now everybody in the tribe hates me. I just lost the nut grove for good... Eduardo will never accept me... Jewel's probably going to leave me for Roberto, even if I leave Linda behind..."
"And it's all my fault. Maybe if I wasn't such an embarrassment..."
Blu shook his head as he began to have a flashback of Minnesota. He pictured himself, sadly tapping on the glass of the book shop as he looked at his reflection.
"Pathetic."
"Worthless."
"Annoyance."
"Reject."
"Failure."
"...I was terrified. I didn't know if me leaving Linda would be enough."
"You were terrified because you thought you were going to be left alone without Linda. And if that happened, you really wouldn't have anyone."
Blu nodded.
"That was the biggest moment of failure I've ever felt in my life.", Blu said, getting quiet. "After I scored the own goal... after I felt like everything was over... and to be honest, I'm surprised I didn't lose anything."
"Mhm.", Yin said, writing on the notepad. "Not yet, at least.", he smirked.
"Don't start with this. Please."
"I'm just telling you the truth. It's hopeless. She's going to realize how pathetic you are, and it's all your fault. Either that, or you're going to push her away yourself."
"But... I don't want to push her away. That's the reason I'm not telling her anything. She'll leave. You know this, you told me it yourself!", Blu exclaimed, mild frustration in his voice.
"Mhm, and it will practically be for no reason. You don't have any reason to be depressed. There's no reason that I should exist, yet I do. You have Jewel, the kids... but you can't get over yourself. That's the ungratefulness that I was talking about. You keep looking at your reflection, whether it's in the glass window or in an Amazon river... you keep expecting something to change. It won't."
Blu didn't say anything as he began to think back to a moment after the logger incident.
Blu was sitting on the edge of a rocky shore that connected to a river, staring at his reflection in the crystal-clear stream.
He had just saved the tribes from the loggers a week ago, survived an explosion (and almost being poisoned) and, for a day or two, had been praised as a hero for his actions.
Even with everyone temporarily showing graciousness and love and acceptance for who he was... he didn't feel like one.
The past couple days, Blu had began to feel like everything was slipping away. He once again felt disconnected from the tribe, as he still couldn't figure out how to fit in with them or their standard practices, no matter how hard he tried.
Whether it was small things like dancing or singing, or other, more important things such as futbol matches, he always felt as if he shouldn't be there.
The first couple of days after the loggers, Blu was recognized everywhere, and he began to feel that sense of belonging. Eventually, everyone in the tribe seemingly forgot, and that once growing presence was gone, seemingly faded into nothingness.
He felt alone.
Eduardo had, once again, went back to not trusting humans, mentioning to Blu that most of their inventions were bad and harmful, but him being raised by a human would end up helping him and the tribe for defense purposes, as he knew how to work against human machines.
Blu didn't know why Eduardo had dropped his pro-human stance so suddenly. He didn't bother to ask, out of fear that it would make him look bad again.
He couldn't help but frown as he looked at his grayish-black beak, his sad amber eyes completely locked onto themselves from the mirror the water gave off, as he sat in complete quietness.
"Nothing's ever going to change. Everyone in the tribe has already forgotten... there's no point.", he thought. "I'll never be good enough for the tribe. And if I'm not good enough for them, how could I be good enough for my family? For the kids, for Jewel... Jewel deserves someone better than me. Stronger, prettier, more likeable... and if she ever realizes that I'm not good enough, she'll leave me. I'll be alone... again.", he continued.
For a second, Blu thought back to the Pit of Doom, after Jewel had flown away, when he sat alone. He quickly shook his head, attempting to shed the memory.
"I don't want her to leave me... I love her too much. I don't want to lose her love.", he said quietly, as one of his eyes shed a tear.
Blu became quiet for a second, before his eyes narrowed, his body began to feel hot, his beak turned into an angry scowl, as he wiped the tear away with his talon.
"Maybe,", he continued thinking, "Just maybe, if I didn't screw everything up, if I knew how to co-exist alongside my species...if I could be normal, I wouldn't have to worry about losing her. None of this would be a problem. All I EVER do is cause problems for everyone around me! How long will it be until I mess up again?!"
"God, what's wrong with me?!", he shouted, before he quickly clamped his beak shut and covered it with his wings, hoping that nobody had heard him. His eyes quickly darted around him, looking to see if anybody had seen it.
Thankfully, nobody did.
Blu awkwardly turned back to his reflection, his eyes still narrowed. He dipped one of his claws into the river and slowly began to tap it, in and out of the water.
"Pathetic."
"Worthless."
"Annoyance."
"Reject."
"Failure."
"That was the first time I noticed those thoughts were back.", Blu said. "And after that, they stayed. They started as smaller thoughts, but... each and every day, they got bigger, and bigger, because things started returning to how they were before. And now... it's all I can think about. Today at Pedro and Nico's club was the first time I wasn't thinking about it. I was enjoying myself, I was actually happy."
He stopped.
"But then as soon as I get out... some hyacinth who apparently knew my dad shows up out of nowhere and recognizes me, and those thoughts came crashing back down onto me. Of course. Just my luck.", Blu said angrily.
"That's when I first manifested in your mind, you know. When those thoughts came back."
Blu became suspicious, and went quiet for a few seconds.
"Hey, can I ask you something?", he asked.
"Ask away.", Yin responded.
"You said you're supposed to be my depression and anxiety... a physical form, at least."
Yin nodded.
"So, how come you're acting as a therapist here? I mean... I know you're not here to help me. It doesn't make sense."
Yin stopped moving, which Blu noticed.
"Oh, come on. Not this crap again...", he said as he got up from the couch to try and catch Yin's attention.
"Hello? Hellooooo? Earth to Yin?", he said loudly, as he waved his wing in front of Yin's eyes.
Nothing. Yin was frozen.
"I wonder...", Blu said as he walked behind the chair and looked at the notepad.
Blu's eyes opened in confusion. The paper was completely blank.
"That's not right.", Blu whispered, as if Yin could hear him. "He was just writing on it..." Blu walked around to the front of Yin and lowered his head to look at the other page, which was flipped over the side, half of Yin's talon covering the lower portion.
Blank page.
Blu cocked his head in disbelief. "...What the hell? He's clearly been writing on it, so why is nothing there?", he said, as he tried to flip over the page, but couldn't. It was like an immovable object, simply stuck in place.
"What? Why's it stuck? And, he... he's had a pen, he's been taking notes! So where is it?"
Blu began to look around for the pen that he had once seen in Yin's other talon, before he was stopped in his tracks by something he saw. He stared at the exit, expecting to see a black hole. Instead, he saw the top of the hollow ceiling above his nest, and could see the night sky far in the distance. Once he realized what he was seeing, his eyes began to blink rapidly, and he lost all control of his body as it began to walk closer and closer to the exit.
After a few seconds, he reached it, his eyes stopped blinking as he lifted up his head, and stared out into the room.
Blu was awake.
He turned over to see Jewel resting peacefully, her cerulean wings covering his body.
"So... that was my eyesight.", he thought. "The black barricade was... my sleep?", he asked himself, in utter disbelief, unsure of what it meant.
Just as Blu began to think deeper, he was disturbed by a walking noise coming from somewhere in the hollow, which instantly caught his attention as he jerked his head to the opening, which led to the main room in the hollow.
Blu slowly unwrapped himself from Jewel's wings, softly lowering them onto the nest, which Jewel seemed to react to by murmuring something.
"Sleep-talker, huh?", Blu smiled as he looked back at her, before turning around and walking out of the room.
Once he was in the main room of the hollow (Blu had tried to implement the term "living room" for it. The others didn't like it and just said main room), he saw Bia, looking at the stars, sitting on the ledge of the hollow entrance.
"Bia?"
Bia's head quickly spun to her father, which seemingly scared her for a second.
"Oh, dad! Hi! What are you doing up?", she asked.
"Uh... I could ask you the same thing. You should be in bed.", Blu said with a bit of firmness in his voice.
Bia exhaled. "I'm sorry, dad. I couldn't sleep.", she said as she began to look down at the ground.
Blu dropped his firmness and smiled as he walked over to Bia and joined her on the ledge. He placed his wing around her, and pulled her into a soothing hug as he stood next to her. Bia's head perked up as she began to snuggle up in-between her father's wings and body.
"Did you see any new animals today?", he asked peacefully.
"Not any new ones, but I saw some when we were flying here."
"What did you see?"
"I saw some capybaras, tapir, a few marmosets... I've seen them before, but that's all I've seen so far."
Blu chuckled. "Marmosets, huh? I remember back when me and your mother first met and we were trying to get unchained from each other and we had a run in with a group of them."
"I know, dad.", Bia smiled. "You tell that story a lot."
"Oh, right. That story means a lot to me."
After Blu said that, Bia's smile faded, which he noticed.
"Hey... what's wrong, sweetheart?"
Bia seemed hesitant to respond, but after a few seconds, managed to speak.
"Dad, can I ask you something?"
"Of course. You can ask me anything."
"Why have you been sad recently?"
Blu was caught off guard by the question, he didn't know what to say.
"Quick, think, think!", he thought. "Don't make her worry!"
"Bia, sweetie... I haven't been sad, I've just... I've been trying to become better at living in the jungle.", he lied.
Bia raised an eye. "What do you mean?"
"Well,", Blu began. "You know I lived nearly all of my life domesticated. Living in the jungle is a big change for me...I'm still not the best at it. I've been practicing."
"But... you're quieter, and always seem to be thinking about something. It... it worries me, dad. You look unhappy, a-and..."
Blu's smile turned into a look of subtle horror as he noticed Bia's voice began to crack.
His heart shattered into a million pieces.
Blu gently pulled Bia closer as she began to sniffle, and started consoling her.
"H-hey, sweetie, don't cry! Don't cry. I-I'm so sorry for worrying you, everything is okay!", he said as he began to stroke the back of Bia's head feathers with the tip of his wings.
"A-... are you sure?", she asked sadly, as she looked at him in the eyes. Blu looked her back in the eyes, and noticed they had looked glossy, and watery at the bottom.
Another million pieces.
"I'm sure, sweetheart. How could I be sad when I have you, and your siblings, and your mother? You guys are the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, and I, I don't know what I would do with you."
Bia seemed to lighten up at this, yet still frowned. "But... sometimes, even when people have everything that makes them happy, they could still be depressed... it's a matter of their mind. You're not depressed, dad... right?"
Blu shook his head as he felt Bia's once forming tears fall gently onto his wing.
Another million pieces.
"Of course not, sweetie.", he smiled. "I promise."
Bia smiled at this response.
"Now, I think it's time for you to go to bed.", Blu said gently. "Your mother won't be happy if she found out you were up this late."
"Okay.", she said as she removed herself from her father's embrace and began to walk back to her nest, which resided in the same, small room as Tiago and Carla's, on the other side of the hollow. "Good night, dad."
"Good night.", Blu said as he gently kissed Bia on her head feathers. "I love you."
"I love you too.", she said, as she continued to walk back to the room.
Blu waited for her to be completely gone and fall asleep, before he flew out of the hollow and went to a river nearby, as he landed near the edge.
He began to look at himself in the river's reflection, similar to what he would do in the Amazonian rivers or the book shop window.
Instead of tapping his talon and repeating the same 5 words that stung to his mind, he continued to stare at himself for a few minutes, saying nothing. He didn't need to remind himself.
Eventually, he covered his eyes and beak with his wings and began to sob quietly.
"God," he murmured between his cries, "h-how could I do this? To Jewel, to Bia? Leave them worrying about me... l-leave them on the verge of tears... how long until Carla and Tiago begin to worry?", he sobbed.
His cries began to dry up slightly, as he caught his breath and lowered his wings to his sides, leaving them in a neutral, resting state.
"I'm so selfish... leaving my family to worry... I'm pushing them away. If I tell them what's wrong... if I tell them I'm unhappy, I'm still gonna push them away. They'll think I'm ungrateful.", he said.
He looked at his reflection in the river as a tear fell from his eye, landing in the water, sending a small ripple around the landing area.
Blu watched the ripples spread out and disappear.
"A good macaw wouldn't have these problems.", he started. "A good macaw who has any meaning or purpose in life would be grateful for his family. Not even a macaw... any good living thing would be grateful for his family... he wouldn't leave them to deal with this. He wouldn't be sitting here weeping to himself... I'm such a selfish, stupid idiot."
Blu went quiet for a few seconds, before he continued to talk to his reflection.
"I don't deserve my family, and they don't deserve me. They're too good for me. They deserve somebody better, somebody who wouldn't have these problems... somebody who could deal with it themselves and not leave their family to worry about it."
"You CAN deal with it yourself."
Blu didn't even look up. He already knew who the voice was.