A/N: I know it's been a long time, so I wouldn't blame anyone reading to have given up on this work, but I'm going to try to complete this story. I finally got my hands on some of the bsd manga and light novels in English and I'm waiting for the Japanese ones to arrive next month. I'm hoping to add more nuances of Akutagawa's character into the story once I read the original Japanese text, because I think the crux of his personality comes through in his use of language and many nuances get missed in translation. A small example is his choice of personal pronoun 僕 やつがれ (yatsugare). Interestingly, the kanji is the same as the far more common 'boku' which is the pronoun that Atsushi uses for himself.
Anyway, author's rant is over, please enjoy the chapter.
Warnings: Toxic relationship, unhealthy relationship, power imbalance, power dynamics, Dazai being an asshole. Heed the warnings: don't like, don't read.
Chapter 2 - Lunacy
"I'm tired of tryna to be normal
I'm always overthinkin'
I'm drivin' myself crazy
So what if I'm fucking crazy?"
-"I'm gonna show you crazy" lyrics by Bebe Rexha
Akutagawa stood before his open closet, staring despairingly at its contents. Why- why didn't he have anything remotely appropriate…? He glanced at the clock on the wall. He had no time to go shopping. He had never been to Dazai-san's house before but he knew the street. It shouldn't take him long but… there could be unanticipated delays on the way. He ought to aim to reach a half hour early, just in case and after how long his mission had run, that left him barely enough time to get dressed.
It didn't help that his sister was sitting across on his bed, giggling at his predicament.
"It's gonna be fine," she assured him for the umpteenth time today. "Just pick something."
Akutagawa scowled. How on earth was he supposed to pick something when he didn't know what he was getting dressed for? Dazai-san had just said 8 pm his place. What was that, a dinner? A date? Or…
Akutagawa shook his head again to stop his mind wandering down dangerous paths. There were rumours... all of them in them in the port mafia had heard of Boss Dazai's... proclivities. They said violence wasn't the only method Dazai-san employed of getting information. Akutagawa clenched his fist tight enough to leave nail marks on his palm. Stop that, he mentally rebuked himself, despairingly feeling his face already turning pink. Stop being ridiculous.
"You know," Gin drawled from the bed, squeezing his pillow thoughtfully, "If you want to cancel tonight, that adorable Atsushi-kun asked about you again. I think he likes you, nii-san."
Akutagawa snorted disdainfully at the name. As if he would cancel on a date with Dazai-san for that moron from the Armed Detective Agency.
It was a date, wasn't it? It wasn't right to presume anything. It would probably be safe to wear something for a formal dinner… but not too formal because it wasn't exactly work.
…or was it..? Had Dazai-san thought he just meant work? Had he been clear in what he meant? The thought had been disquieting him since their conversation, that maybe he was getting his hopes up for nothing and maybe it was all a simple misunderstanding and Dazai would laugh in his face if he actually found out what Akutagawa had meant…
"Nii-san," Gin interrupted his spiralling thoughts. "Just dress as you usually do. Honestly, I swear you weren't like this even as a teen," she teased.
Akutagawa hid his blush behind a scowl. "I never had a date with Dazai-san as a teen," he snapped at her.
Her eyes widened in surprise. Akutagawa turned away, cursing his slip of tongue. "Please leave so I can get dressed," he told her gruffly.
Gin did just that but not before giggling some more at her brother's expense.
Akutagawa stood before Dazai's imposing building feeling exactly like what Gin had been teasing him to be – a teenage boy out to meet his crush for the first time. Except he had never had a crush as a teenage boy…none that he would admit to anyway.
He was dressed simply but not in anything he wore to work. He hoped it wasn't one more thing the other would make fun of him for.
It was exactly 7.30 pm. Should he let Dazai-san know he was already here? No, it wasn't polite to show up early. It would be better to text him exactly at 8. The building had one of those fancy doors that wouldn't even let you into the lobby unless you had the electronic card or if someone let you up. He could wait out on the street for a half hour, it wasn't very long.
Dazai glanced at the watch on his wrist just as the digital numbers showed 8 pm.
The information they'd received was either wrong or more likely, the other party was running late. Not many people would risk the consequences of lying to him, much less the wimp of an informant they'd managed to capture. In the relative silence of the night, he let his thoughts turn to the plans he'd made for tonight.
Akutagawa would probably be reaching his place soon. A mocking smile flickered on his lips as he remembered Chuuya's idea of being somewhere on time. He didn't think Akutagawa would be as annoying, at least in this particular habit. He had always known the Rashomon user to be prompt.
He hadn't really thought of what would happen after he did arrive, though.
Akutagawa so rarely showed initiative, it seemed a shame not to reward it. But he hadn't really spent time examining every possibility surrounding this step as he usually would.
Watching the sky getting darker by every passing second, Dazai thought, maybe he should.
Not used to second-guessing his own decisions, Dazai sighed impatiently, unknowingly drawing uneasy looks from his underlings who were wary of any sign of displeasure from their boss.
If it didn't seem like a good idea by the time he headed back, Dazai thought, then he would tell Akutagawa the meeting was off.
An hour and half later, around 9 pm, Akutagawa was starting to get an uneasy feeling in his gut. He had hadn't responded to any of his texts though he could see the double tick that showed they'd been read. He knew the other man too well to think anything had happened to him. Maybe the mission had run late.
That was probably it. He must have got unavoidably delayed.
... it couldn't be that Dazai-san had changed his mind, could it?
A single drop of water landed on the screen of his phone. Akutagawa blinked up at the sky where he stood on the sidewalk outside Dazai's building. It started to rain.
Moonlight on dark, rain-drenched streets, and the dull glint of gunmetal. Dazai watched the carnage around him rather distractedly today.
There were few times people surprised him, especially Akutagawa. It wasn't like Dazai to do something impulsive... but Akutagawa's unexpected offer had made him curious. Things had been so lousy lately, maybe something unexpected was what he needed.
The boy was going to be at his place tonight and then what was to be done with him…? He'd never seen the other as anything other than a pawn in his vast game… and perhaps someone who was begrudgingly his responsibility.
Chuuya's face flashed through his head unbidden and his lips thinned. That pain in the ass could at least take care of himself. Though things hadn't exactly ended well with them, the other was still in one piece.
Just what would happen to Akutagawa if Dazai let him go down that road with him…?
Nimble fingers played with the loaded weapon in his hand, all the more dangerous for the rainwater coating it.
To be fair, it had been Akutagawa's idea. He had nothing to do with it.
One of the bodies left behind by the bullets from his side rolled over in the street and landed dangerously close to the wheels of the car whose hood he was leaning against. The man's gun was still in his hand. If he shot, even with shaking hands, the bullet wouldn't miss Dazai's leg. If Dazai moved, he could easily stay out of his range.
Dazai stared dispassionately at the dying man's twitching hand, watching him bleed copiously on the rain-soaked street through the wound on his chest, his breath gurgling in his throat because of the blood in his airpipe and the rain beating down on his face.
Dazai didn't move. The man didn't so much as try to take a shot.
Dazai sniffed, feeling the rainwater on his cold and somewhat numb lips. How disappointingly predictable.
To be really fair, he knew Akutagawa far better than the other knew him… and like it or not, the younger man was his responsibility.
The mafia boss sighed, focusing back to the present. There was no harm in a friendly dinner between colleagues, right? He wouldn't do anything to encourage any ideas in the other. Everything would be as normal as possible and hopefully, Akutagawa would see his own best interests and leave well enough alone.
Idly, he saw the latest message in the series of messages his subordinate had been sending him all night and finally sent a short text back.
"Mission is taking long. Be home around midnight."
Akutagawa swallowed the lump in his throat, and shut his phone screen off.
The rain had stopped. It was around 10.30 pm. It was easier to wait than to go home and come back now, wasn't it…?
He closed his wet coat around him, coughing discretely in his hand.
"Akutagawa."
The voice jerked the man back into consciousness. Akutagawa looked around swiftly, and realized he had fallen asleep leaning against the side of the building. Dazai stood before him in the same clothes he'd been wearing at his office.
"You look like a drowning rat," Dazai commented wryly, the one eye visible through his bandages as unreadable as always. "Come."
Akutagawa turned slightly pink and greeted the boss respectfully before following as the other entered the building, swept past the concierge who did not so much as blink seeing the black clad men enter in the middle of the night.
Dazai's apartment was on one of the higher floors. As he entered his apartment behind the older man, there was a little thrill of elation in his chest. He was getting to see Dazai-san's apartment! He couldn't deny he had thought about it before… he had thought about pretty much everything relating to the man.
The real thing wasn't something he could have even made up in his head. The sprawling gorgeous living room alone was bigger than the entire floor his modest little apartment was on. Everything was space and light; there were only occasional dark, imposing pieces of furniture. The overall appearance of it was just odd enough and beautiful enough to clearly have been done by a professional designer.
Akutagawa had always assumed his mentor was perfect; seeing his house was bring him the sinking realization that he hadn't even known what perfect was.
"Make yourself at home," Dazai said off hand, sinking onto the couch.
Aku had to keep from wincing, seeing those mud -and, he realized, blood- caked boots on the pristine carpets.
He had to fight the strongest urge to offer to take those off for him.
Be normal for one goddamn day, he scolded himself in his head. Trying not to appear as wrong-footed as he felt, he sat down rigidly on the other side of the L-shaped couch.
Dazai was watching his every move like a hawk and Akutagawa prayed to god he couldn't read his thoughts on his face.
"Welcome back, Dazai-san." The unexpected voice startled Akutagawa. Standing next to them was a pretty-looking young girl holding a glass of water on a tray. He hadn't seen her walk up.
Dazai took it and murmured a thanks without looking at her. Akutagawa's eyes were riveted on the blood and dirt covered bandages on Dazai's hands. The sleeves of his coat were stained slightly red. Oh. Dazai has stepped in to do the dirty work himself today.
"He'll have a hot cup of tea too," Dazai told her without asking Akutagawa. The other man turned pink but said nothing. Hot tea sounded great right now, although a brandy would have been better.
The girl gave Akutagawa a brazen once-over and then left with a short bow towards Dazai.
Dazai let himself relax into the sofa, letting his wet hair soak the soft fabric. Even with his eyes seemingly closed, he could feel Akutagawa's eyes subtly passing over his bloodstained person.
"You didn't have to so dramatically wait out in the rain," he scolded the other without bothering to open his eyes. He didn't see look of surprised pain cross Akutagawa's face.
Akutagawa opened his mouth to give some reply but closed it again when no words came to mind. The mild rebuke ricocheted in his head. He shook his head to try and get rid of the echo of it. His clothes were still wet. He tried to hide his shivering behind a discrete cough in his hand.
When no response came, Dazai opened his eyes and turned his head towards the other. The maid arrived just then with tea and Dazai hid his irritation behind the cup in his hand. Akutagawa had the unmistakable ability to annoy him just by breathing in his vicinity, he wasn't sure how the other managed to do that.
"Thank you for the tea," Akutagawa finally said when the silence in the quiet room got oppressive.
This had to be the most awkward conversation that had ever taken place in his living room, Dazai decided and wondered what the most polite and swift way there was of getting rid of a rain-drenched guest from one's home.
He could then change and shower in peace. Even Chuuya hadn't spent many nights in his house, especially not when it had been a long fucking day and he really just wanted to get into bed and go to sleep.
And tomorrow was going to be another long damn day, what with the paperwork from today and tying up loose ends and finding any loose ends-
Akutagawa, in the meantime, was staring intently at his cup, pretending there was something more interesting there than tea. Was he just imagining it or was Dazai-san angry with him for some reason...?
Licking his dry, chapped lips, Akutagawa tried to think of something to say. Should he leave? Dazai-san had invited him here, would it be rude of him to leave? The right thing would be to wait to be dismissed. But this wasn't work, was it? He wasn't here in the capacity of Dazai's employee.
"Urm! It's late, maybe I should- should get going?" Akutagawa blurt out, wincing internally at the unnecessarily loud volume of his voice.
As always, he couldn't read the look on Dazai's face.
"Alright," Dazai said shortly.
Akutagawa jumped to his feet as though burned. The hot tea he didn't realize he was still holding sloshed, spilling out of the cup and onto the floor and on Akutagawa's fingers.
Akutagawa didn't notice the pain of the hot tea on his skin; he was too preoccupied by the slight scowl that flitted across Dazai's face as his eyes followed the spilled liquid.
"I'm sorry!" he gasped out before, putting the cup down and bowing low.
He couldn't bear to wait for Dazai's response and turned around and left as quickly as he could.
Dazai was left staring after his retreating form.
Well. That was that.
Akutagawa dashed the tears forming in his eyes angrily as he walked home rapidly. One chance... he had had once chance and he had screwed everything up as usual.
Sitting on his couch in his still wet clothes, Dazai took a final sip of the tea in his hand. He had bought this place for the peace and solitude it offered but he had to admit, at least to himself, that sometimes the house was just too fucking quiet.
He stared down at the open phone in his other hand, his fingers hovering over Chuuya's name in his contacts.
A/N: I hope you guys liked the chapter, do review and tell me what you think!
P.S.: The lyrics at the beginning are remarkably similar to something the real Akutagawa Ryuunosuke has written. I wonder if he would find the likeness interesting like I do.