Rilla Ford

Ingleside, Morgan Road
Glen St Mary, PEI
Canada.

November 30th

Rilla

Ken wrote to me about the news, I scarcely believe it, I never would have guessed or thought to guess such a thing between you and Ken. A baby, a sweet, loveable baby for the family to spoil and dote on. The best Aunty I will be to this little one. I will travel out with Mom and Dad when they visit.

I know, I missed the mark last year, so I hope you will forgive me for that. But I am excited for this one and Mother says not to go overboard with things, but baby things are just so small and sweet and I cannot help myself when I am at Eaton's.

Ken is head over heels, so it reads on paper anyway, though I am sure he writes you more than he does me! I do hope it is a girl, my friend's sister had a baby boy recently and we were playing on the floor with him as his mother was preparing his bath and the little man took a wee on us! It was quite rude of him, also such a male thing to do as well. He is cute though, so I suppose that makes up for it. Boy babies are funny little things with their dingles and berries as they run about, as his older brother was running about.

Momma scolded me last time I brought it up, ladies aren't supposed to say such things, but it's just too funny not to. Like do they do that for the rest of their life? Sometimes when I kiss Deacon…I just imagine things…though actually, I don't think I want to know that answer considering you are married to my brother.

Also, please enjoy this book, it's quite fun and I think you will enjoy it!

Anyway, I hope you stay well and I cannot wait for the baby, and what you may name it!

Love Persis

To Lieutenant Kenneth Ford
ID 163322
10th Battalion
CEF,
France

December 6th 1915

Kenneth

Mary Vance has been up today…I don't quite know what to make of her still even after a year but she comes over with Mrs. Elliot and plops down and goes into all the gossip and does a fair bit of sewing and knitting. What caught me though was when finally said

'You know Rilla, I believe we could start our own little club of sewing. The others are just a mess and don't know how to go about anything. I think between the two of us we could manage quite well?'

I didn't know what to say!

No one knows yet about the baby, if they notice it's not polite to comment on it. I didn't know what else to say so I just told her that would be nice. Mentioning that Marjorie comes a few times a week now. She and Minnie get along decently well. Minnie was worried at first but Margie is sweet and Minnie has learned to trust her. I did tell you about Marjorie, didn't I? I am pretty sure I did.

Of course, Mary is always frank and not withholding and she looks at me squarely in the eye and said the words. 'Of course, when the baby comes you'll be busy, but you'll be on your feet and there is always nap time in the afternoon.'

I looked at her unsure how to respond.

'Really Rilla, my bedroom looks towards the Ford's summer house. I saw you go in that day during the storm and then leave the next morning, only one lamp was on upstairs all day and night. Clearly, you finally had your wedding night, honeymoon given the circumstances and your smile these days.'

I dropped my knitting Ken, looking at her in pure shock wondering if I should rebuff her claims
but she gave me this look as if she was daring me to lie to her.

So I gave a small nod and agreed that it could possibly work. Which was a mistake in itself as she started asking about you and where you were stationed and how rude it was of you to subject me to such a night when you knew you were going away because of course she knows all about babies and where they come from. She and Douglas apparently talked about it, but he refused to even consider such a thing.

I doubt that slightly but I just smiled awkwardly and knitted.

Either way, things are oddly going back to normal, as if last year never happened. It feels all too unsettled, that Hades himself is toying with me. Waiting to bring me back to his underworld having delved into forbidden fruit?

Finally, Mrs. Elliot called her to gather her wraps…and I just stood there as Mother said goodbye to them both and that was the end of it.

Last year…all I wanted was my friends who had been taken from me, and now as they slowly start to come back…I find myself anxious about what they may think of everything, not to mention what they may think when I can't hide the baby at all. Would they want to be friends with me at that point?"

Anyway, I pray that you are safe and well.
I love you, and the baby loves you as well.

Rilla

It's cold but she feels her body burning, she presses a hand to her forehead. She doesn't have a fever. No, this heat is something else entirely. She had been dreaming about, dreaming about Ken and his kisses, his touches that made her body burn in the moment. In her half-sleep daze she trails a hand over her chest where the rosy peaks of her breasts felt tight and stiff at attention.

She makes a small sound of surprise as she traces it before her other hand goes towards the curve of her stomach, over her belly button for a moment cups herself, heat penetrating her hand.

What was she doing?

Eyes wide open.

No good girl did such a thing!

Warm milk will help her? Something anything, really as she reached for her housecoat and tucked her feet into slippers.

She found the milk, lighted the burner and quietly made her drink. Curling up in her spot at the old table, tucked in on the corner of the bench that was built into the wall in the kitchen nook.

Milk with a dash of vanilla and cinnamon.

She blew on it lightly, sipping it slowly. Trying to think of anything but ghost feelings and memories.

"What are you doing up?" Her mother says from the doorway of the kitchen. "I thought I heard your father."

"I couldn't sleep, too worried about Ken and then I worry about Jem and Walter?" Rilla tells her.

"He'll be all right, dearest, all of them will be." Mother tries to reassure her, and herself it appears.

Rilla smiles meekly into her cup and takes another sip.

"You know your father makes himself the same drink when he comes home later at night," Mother tells her looking at the ingredients on the counter still.

"He would make it for us when we couldn't sleep," Rilla nods her head explaining. "I haven't trusted him to make it for a while though."

"He only was trying to help you, you were barely sleeping for a while. Still, it feels like you fight it most of the time. I see your light on sometimes, or I hear you wander about?" Her mother says.

"I try not to disturb you or anyone," Rilla frowns.

"I know, but you'll need to try and rest more, and get as much sleep as you can, after this baby comes you won't get much of it," Mother reminds her as she brushes back a stay curl from Rilla's face.

Rilla smiles weakly,

"May I?" Mother asks confusing her, until she realizes she is only in her camisole and Ken's flannel pants. The slight curve showing more than ever. She nods her head and watches as her Mother places her palm on her stomach. It's light and warm, and it loving as it runs over the slight curve.

"Can you feel it yet?" Mother asks curiously. "I remember when I felt your sister, Joy, I thought it had been indigestion but it made no sense. I remember asking your father and he explained to me. I wanted him to feel like it, but he said it was too early and he would have the chance."

Rilla nodded her head, she hadn't realized at first, but if the books were right…she was so happy but equally sad that Ken wouldn't be here to share in that moment.

"That's a good sign," Mother tells her loving stroking the stomach before moving to wrap her arm around her shoulder. "Try and get some sleep sweetheart," she adds as the back door opens.

"I am not used to two lovely ladies waiting up for me," Father jokes, shucking off his woollen hat, leather gloves and heavy jacket. He kisses them both on the forehead, stealing a drink of Rilla's cooling milk.

"I was just heading up to bed," Mother tells him, kissing his stubbled cheek. "Everything went all right?"

"Baby boy, all healthy," Father tells her. "I'll find a snack and be up in a bit," he tells her.

Rilla watches Mother nod her head and head towards the stairs. Father looks at her, raising an eyebrow.

"Shouldn't you be asleep as well?" He teases her and she can only shrug.

"I tried, I couldn't, I had to use the washroom, tried again, finally came down to get something to drink," Rilla tells him standing up. She sees him almost assess her as she does, the shortness of her camisole that is beginning to be too small, and Ken's flannel pants. "I'll come to your office in the mornings, it's been over a month hasn't it?" she says sighing.

"It has, and don't worry it will be straightforward and not so invasive this time around," Father tells her with a nod of his head. "Get some rest, or try to please."

Rilla returns the nod, he stops to hug her gently before letting her follow her mother and when he goes up to bed himself he finds his daughter curled up in his bed with her Mother. He laughs softly, shaking his head as he tries to make enough room for himself. Moving her one arm, he traces over her wedding rings with a sigh before she murmurs something and curls into him.

Rilla sleeps longer than she has in months and when she wakes up the mail has already been delivered by the mailman, and a letter is waiting for her. She curled up in the window seat, pulling her Cardigan and afghan around her as she ripped open as Susan busied herself making a light breakfast for her, despite Rilla telling her she was fine with only toast.

Rilla Ford
Ingleside, Morgan Road
Glen St Mary, PEI
Canada.

December 2nd 1915

Dearest Love,

Your letter allowed me to breathe freely again, at least a weight is lifted from my mind. At least on this early morning when they finally handed out the mail. I got the socks you have knitted as well. I cherish them as I cherish your letters. Though if you can manage mitts, my hands would also be wonderfully warm as well.

I wish I were there, I wish I could imagine that sound, what it might have sounded like, but I try to imagine. But it's good to know everything is as it should be, especially when these letters add weeks to our conversations.

Trenches are home right now for another nine days, though I won't bother you with the details. It's filled with daily chores and rest times. We all take turns cooking, none of us are any good of course, but we make do.

I suppose I understand the fear of nighttime you had(or have), because I am beginning to hate the night as well. Or possibly I do not like the dawn, that is the time I dislike most.

I count the days until I am in the reserves because I cannot count the days when I see and kiss the delectable hollow of your neck.

Keep the letters coming, and anything else you might send as always. Send photos when you can, I need to see you transform in any way possible. I need to be able to visualize the swell of my stomach as it grows like I need air to breathe, as the first in the ocean needs water.

The bell is ringing, I have to go…

I love you.

Kenneth.

She sighs, struggling not to let her emotions get the better of her and cry over nothing.

"Eat," She hears Father say to her gently, handing her a plate of food "You need to keep up your strength, and you'll feel better."

Rilla can only nod her head and pick at her plate as she uses the tray to pen the letter that is haunting her brain.

To Lieutenant Kenneth Ford
ID 163322
10th Battalion
CEF,
France

December 20th 1915

Darling

They say dawn is fighting time in the papers, really the papers are filled with anecdotes of the front and trenches. Which only makes me knit and sew faster for you and my brothers, it's all I can do these days. In between all the other sewing that I have for myself and now the baby.

Do you dream about us? Those moments where you kissed away my tears and fears, swallowed my cries. Sometimes I can't forget those moments, they plague my thoughts at night the feeling of your kiss, and your hands on my body, in places only you may touch and I feel so hot…

I know I shouldn't be writing such a thing, but it's in my dreams, and my body feels ignited afterwards. Much like in those moments, it aches for what I can only imagine is you. How you touched me…is it wrong if I….when you encourage me to take control and to sit in your lap while still…

Things scratched out, out of embarrassment.

The baby squirms and moves around, reminding me it there these days. I cannot hide much these days, sometimes early in the morning it's easier but as the day moves on, I get more pronounced. Sometimes after dinner, I look positively round and my waistband button is straining and digging in, but by morning I barely show

Father says it's quite normal, especially as I don't wear corsets as much lately. Mother though says at some point I will want the support of one.

I wish you could see it, I've tried to get a photograph of it, like a time-lapse, but it doesn't show as I had hoped. Instead, I stand next to a wall and trace the line of my body, as it goes through its changes. I labelled them by time, hoping to give you some sort of a visual representation of it for you.

Father says I am going help fund the war with all the stamps I buy for letters these days, but I can't help it, how else can I tell you everything I need to tell you or show you?

I love you

Rilla

Much to his word, the check-up is short and sweet, and not as embarrassing and he lets her go back to her day without much worry. The baby was moving around, and the heartbeat sounded good. She was steadily gaining weight as such was proper. She goes back to her window seat with her book that Persis had sent along until she looks up to see Minnie walking up the walk with a bundle of blankets in her arms. It was a mild winter day. She rushes to the door to let them in, and soon there is tea and cake as they settle into their visit. Her parents were out, and Susan went to the Manse for something.

"Minnie, you miss your husband right?" Rilla asks her friend quietly watching Jims toddle around the sitting area of Ingleside that was decorated for Christmas in a jolly way playing with the blocks that Rilla kept around for him these days and other little toys.

"Willa, Willa," he babbles as he brings her his toys as gifts. She smiles and laughs softly and watches him toddle back to his blanket and blocks.

"What a question to ask!" Minnie exclaims. "Why do you ask?"

"I don't know….I guess I miss Ken more than I was expecting to. When he was in Toronto I knew he was safe. Now he's at the front, and his August leave," Rilla trails off.

"That makes sense," Minnie says. "The baby doesn't make things easier emotionally on you."

"Min?" Rilla asks once again. "Do you ever miss him…well physically?" She whispers.

"Oh! That sort of a miss," Minnie says with a knowing saucy grin.

"Minnie!" Rilla blushes as she squeaks. "Please, don't tease me."

"But you are so fun to tease," Minnie laughs before sobering softly. "But yes, there are times that I miss that part of my marriage Rilla, it is only natural."

"But when you miss him….miss him," Rilla stutters slightly. "How do you…how do you?"

"How does one relieve the ache?" Minnie responds and Rilla nods her head blushing. "You can always imitate what you enjoyed to satisfy the craving if it is that persistent."

"You mean…to touch…that is not proper!" Rilla exclaims loud enough that Little Jims drops his toy and looks at her.

"It is no different than the act itself in these circumstances," Minnie tells her with a look. "Really, it's only improper if you do it in an improper setting, like when little boys play with themselves in front of company," Minnie says spying on her son who was misbehaving going over to him and setting him right.

"But…why now," Rilla asks confused. The whole night was a hazy dream at this point.

"Babies, babies can make your emotions, needs, and wants run wild. Though I can only assume if you are feeling this way, is that he made you feel something unexplainable? Like fireworks, or burning fire that just combusts all over your body."

Rilla nods her head, "The first time…it was like something likened to dangling on the edge, but I couldn't…fall off? But in the morning…something happened…something that made my toes curl and I kept falling until I wasn't. He kept hold of me tight…and I never felt so alive or loved?"

"So think of that, think of him and just…enjoy yourself," Minnie tells her. "If you need privacy I suggest a bath. Though it is completely normal to feel this way, it's like a light switch in the second trimester. I remember one day James came home and I just looked at him and…well you don't need the details," Minnie laughs.

"Mother has never said a word about this at all and she had seven of us!" Rilla exclaimed in shock.

"Well, that would be slightly embarrassing given she is your mother, but she may just believe that you don't know enough about intimacy to want it?" Minnie reminds her. "Though she has had six children, clearly she knows something."

"You are putting images in my head that I do not need or want!" Rilla protests.

"Which in theory will also help diminish such things." Minnie grins at her. "It's normal Rilla, and if he can't help you with it, then you may have to help yourself."

Rilla only nods her head still blushing.

"Though going back to something you said…what do you mean in the morning Rilla Ford" Minnie grins teasing her. "I am starting to believe that your thoroughness of his leave is what got you into this predicament once more."

"It was bewildering, bewitching in a way," Rilla says quietly blushing. "I just remember looking at him and wanting to feel that way again with him. He was always so conscious of what I was feeling in the moment and my response to whatever we were doing."

"A gentleman should be," Minnie nods her head and Rilla chews her lips for a moment. "Ask whatever you wish to know Rilla, I will always try to be honest with you, you know that."

"He…We…I got a little in my head at one point and when he noticed. So he…he turned us around so that I was on top of him?"

"Oh, he is a smart young man," Minnie grins once more.

"That's normal!" Rilla looks up at her rather shocked.

"It can be, nothing saying it has to be just him on top of you, you can be on top of him, you can be standing up. It can be a fun game and what works and what doesn't when you get the point of knowing each other well enough to be a bit more adventurous and have no one about?"

Rilla's nose scrunches up a bit as an old memory surfaces. "Oh god."

"What is it?" Minnie asks hurriedly. "Is it."

"My parents!" Rilla exclaims. "I wasn't in school yet…I went into Father's office looking for Mother who wasn't anywhere else…She was on his desk with her hair down without its pins, back towards me, and Father holding her close. I asked what he was doing when he saw me standing there…he was confused and coughed as mother was trying not to giggle. He said she bumped her head and was just making sure she was okay."

Minnie howls, holding her side. "Oh my dear…"

"It's not funny!"

"Oh, but it is Rilla, your poor parents." Minnie continues to chuckle.

"What about poor me!" Rilla says indignantly.

"I am sure you soon learned to knock on the door, or they learned to lock them," Minnie says shaking her head still smiling from her laughter before looking at the clock. "I should head home and get this one to bed."

Rilla nods standing up. "Thank you for coming today it was a nice surprise. Truly,

Rilla spends her evening knitting in the lamplight, the gramophone playing a disc for amusement until she retires for the evening, hoping that she will be able to sleep and she does for a few hours before waking up as her mind spins tales of Ken in her dreams. Ones that make her body hot and alive, enough to contemplate what Minnie said but not enough to try. Inside she wanders down the stairs and looks for the milk to warm up once more.

"Up again?" Her mother says in her old silk robe.

Rilla wide-eyed looked at her mother from her spot and she sighs.

"Dreams again?" Her mother asks going for the kettle.

"In a way?" Rilla says meekly, hands going over the swelling stomach, without her corset it felt much more real sometimes.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Mother asks opening the pantry for the cocoa and holding it up and Rilla nods her head.

"I don't know how…" Rilla says awkwardly.

"Rilla love, I have had seven children you can't embarrass me," her mother says taking a hand in her own. "Tell me what you feel then?"

"I miss Ken," she finds herself saying quietly.

"Of course you do sweetheart, we miss all our boys," Mother reminds her.

"I miss him more than Jem or Walter, Mother, I miss him in other ways…" Rilla blushes in the moonlight. "Minnie said…that it is normal to miss someone in that way…but it's...embarrassing?"

"Oh…" Her mother nods her head, eyes wide for a moment before sobering. "Yes, I can see how that may be problematic, what else did Mrs. Anderson say to you?"

"Nothing really, that it was normal to feel such way?"

"Well, she is correct about that," Mother nods her head.

"She said…you can imitate…it?" Rilla blushes even more.

"I suppose one could if it's that dire need?" Her mother says after a moment which surprises her in the moment.

"But…but you said it's not proper to ever…" Rilla startles slightly at her mother's answer.

"Rilla, a lot of things we deem proper have no place in marriage, marriage itself can be very improper. Of course, there are times and places for such things. If you are missing Ken in such a way, I empathize with you as a wife and a mother. I am glad that you have found something that makes you feel loved in such a way."

"What are you saying?" Rilla tilts her head confused now.

"Don't worry about propriety, what you feel in your marriage isn't any other business but your own," Mother tells her reaching out to run her hand down her daughter's cheeks.

"Did you ever miss Father in such a way?" Rilla asks quietly.

"Rilla, it's a normal consequence of being with a child, let alone a wife," Mother says after a moment. "Look no matter what the books tell you. It is a normal and natural thing to go through, of course, if a doctor tells you to not exhaust yourself, or exert yourself you should listen to the advice. Some doctors even encourage martial relations to help induce labour in the last few weeks or when a mother is overdue. Just use your best judgment and be private about it and clean about it."

Rilla nods her head meekly.

"I don't know what else Mrs. Anderson told, and I am sure it was for more than I have told you but I don't think she would lead you wrong," Mother tells her moving to kiss her forehead. "But I thank you for allowing me into your head for a moment. Ever since…well naturally you have been unwilling to speak about certain things, especially to your mother, now try and get some sleep, if not for yourself but for this little one?"

Rilla nods her head, relishing in her mother's arms for a moment. "Can I ask something though?"

"Of course darling, always," Mother nods her head.

"When I walked in on you and Daddy in his office when I was little, he wasn't checking your head for a bump was he?" Rilla says quietly and her mother of all things starts to laugh vibrantly and it tells her everything she needs to know about that memory. "Actually please don't answer that."