Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters.
Note: I don't generally do this but because this is a guilty pleasure based on references it's clear some have no clue on, and I never do messages, just this once…The story prologue simply references the Addams Family (TV show, not really the film) to give you a clue as to what's coming. There is no sequel or prequel, this story stands alone and is simply a parody that grew into a tale I'm (and I hope a few others are) enjoying. To understand the songs better, you'll have to access the American musical film from the 50s to the 70s and a few modern songs I suggest a quick google of "Singing in the Rain" "Finian's Rainbow" "Rogers and Hammerstein's "Cinderella", "South Pacific", etc. But I think most folks at least vaguely get the feel of the songs context. Anyway, if you enjoy it, great, but there are plenty of GoT tales that extend the story canonally, so, no problem. If you want a more realistic tale, you might enjoy my "Back to the Throne Room" in which the most hideous monsters of all, the Terrans, invade the GoT universe.
Part I…
"Cara…" Lord Gomez had climbed the dank and slippery steps of the great central Tower to find his Lady Morticia in her usual black, stroking a raven as she sat on the stone side of the rather dilapidated roof, looking out over the dismal swamps of Swampflood, probably the most impregnable and least desired, by other Houses at least, seat in the Seven Kingdoms.
"Gomez, darling…" she eyed him, her habitually mournful look taking on a degree of smoldering passion. "A raven has come, from Kings' Landing. A message from King Robert."
"Indeed, so I was told…" he came to sit by her. "And have you read it?"
"I wanted to wait for you…" she noted, her eyes fixing on his.
"Of course, it must be important, for Robert to contact me like this. He's been badly affected by poor Ned Stark's untimely demise."
"I know it's long overdue that you two resumed your old friendship…But Gomez…I have a dark foreboding about this." She noted.
"Well, Cara…Dark foreboding is your natural state…" he pointed out.
"True…But…" she raised a finger…He eyeing the long, curving nail…The pale cuticle…The dead white skin of the finger like cream curdling slowly into cheese…
"Boobela…" she sighed… "I fear…"
"Tish…That Pentos dialect drives my Corsican blood wild…"He grabbed arm, passionately kissing. "Say a few syllables…Pate…Croissant…Bagette…"
"Gomez…" she gasped, breasts heaving…Her pale face turning that slightest hue of pink indicating raw passion was swamping… "I'm being…Irresponsible…"
"Lets be insanely irresponsible…!" he cried, sweeping her up. "Cara…"
"Gomez, my darling…" she pleaded. "King Robert, your dear friend…State business…"
He sighed…"Ah, yes…The greater good…"
"Later…" she eyed him. "As in, ten minutes, once you've read the note."
"Well then, for the Gods sake, give me the note…" he reached for her delicate hand and took the capsule, opening feverishly.
"Ah…" he unscrolled the note. "My love…Robert comes here tonight."
"And leaves, when…?" she eyed him.
"Oh, a few days…With the full court compliment, I'm afraid. As many as can be carried across the swamps."
"Hmmn…We'd better see that we have supplies laid in." she turned and pulled a rope, causing a loud, deep clang far below that reverberated through the castle keep.
"You rang…." The deep voice of the hulking Lurch whose head now appeared just through the door on the stairs to the roof.
"Yes, Lurch, dear…" Morticia nodded. "King Robert and his court are coming tonight…There'll be about 250 for dinner, 100 here in the hall, the rest outside…And they'll be staying for several days. Of course only the royal family and Kingsguard will stay with us, the rest will be camped in the fields."
"We'll want a most royal feast, Lurch…Roast ox, eye of newt stew, toad pie, ferret and toadstool pudding…Mead from the finest swamp moss." Gomez noted. "King Robert likes his feasts so lets really put on the whole hog…About 14 I'd say. Oh and see that a few prostitutes are brought up from that brothel on the edge of the Great Swamp. Both the King and my Lord Tyrion Lannister have an eye for the ladies of easy virtue…" raised eyebrows, smile…
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhh."
"Go to it, man..." Gomez nodded. "Lets show the King and court true Addams hospitality!"
"Uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…Yes, Lord Addams."
"Now, Lurch…Be sure and see that all the bedchambers are properly fumigated and Wednesday's collections of dead animals are removed from each." Morticia noted. "And see that the tapestries depicting the King's career of mass murder in battle and tourney are displayed in each."
"And you better also remove Pugsly's collections of half-eaten ones…" Gomez noted. "That boy has a healthy appetite."
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…." Lurch groaned, heading back down.
"Darling, I think Lurch is a bit troubled by the King's proclivities." Morticia sighed. "He's the soul of discretion of course but you know how sensitive Lurch is."
"Indeed." Gomez nodded. "I could feel the disapproval in his voice. But, Robert's a lusty man of demented passions…Who, unlike me, never found true happiness."
"Oh, Gomez…" Morticia, wan smile. "But that's so sad for poor Cersei. She's such a dear girl."
"True, true…Though I do think, Tish that sometimes that sweet nature may conceal something more dark. But perhaps not. Say…?" he beamed. "Maybe while they're visiting you could use your magnificent skills in lovematching and counseling to bring them closer together? For the sake of their lovely children, particularly that delightful Joffrey, our future king."
"Oh, darling…" Morticia sighed. "I appreciate the confidence but I think you're far too blinded by love of me to estimate my skills properly. But, for your sake and the kingdom's, I'll do what I can." She paused… "But I am bothered by this sudden visit, even if Robert needs cheering up. And it's strange…"
"Really? What's strange?"
"That the message came in the King's name, not Jon Arryn's. Surely the Hand should handle such communications?"
"Hmmn…" Gomez pondered. "That is curious. Well, we'll know soon enough…Are you returning that raven to Kings' Landing? You know you'd best send it off soon, before…You know."
"Uncle Fester?" she eyed him. "Yes, he does love raven stew…I'll send it off at once…" She went to the bird, its foot secured by a string. "Just let me write a message…"
"Fee, fie, foe, fum…I smell raven!" a voice called from the stairs. "Morticia! Did we get a raven?!"
"Fester, old man…" Gomez called down. "You know these are the King's ravens, special messengers, really not a good idea to eat the kingdom's primary communications system."
Grumbling sound from the stairs…
Morticia, having written note, placed it in capsule…And attaching capsule to the raven's foot, sent it off…
Shrill squeak as the raven was brought down by a crossbow bolt shot.
"Got him! Hah!" Fester's triumphant voice. "Raven stew for dinner!"
"Fester, that wasn't cricket. How do we let the King know now that I've received his message?" Gomez called. "Besides, he's to be here tonight. There'll be all sorts of feasty treats…"
"Then one more raven can only help…" Fester called back.
"Uncle Fester…What are we to do with you?" Morticia sighed. "Come up here, this instant."
"NO! I won't!" cry.
"Fester, now be reasonable…" Gomez sighed.
"Fester…"Morticia, annoyed.
"Hah!" Fester's voice…
"Very well…" Morticia shook, pulling cord. "I hate to do this to Lurch when he's so busy. Uncle Fester, sometimes you do try my patience."
"You rang…." Lurch's voice from below… "I have Ser Fester…"
"Lurch! Put me down !" Fester's voice. "I'm a knight of the House Addams…Put me down!" Lurch appearing at the top of the stairs again, then emerging onto the roof area, bearing a large, heavy-set, bald man in black of deathly pale hue.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…." Lurch, shaking head.
"Oh, look, another raven…" Morticia pointed.
"Get me my crossbow, Lurch!" Fester in Lurch's grip, cried…
"Belay that order, Lurch…Fester…" Gomez eyed him sternly.
"Oh, all right. Have him put me down!"
"After Morticia sends a reply and the poor bird has a chance to escape your keen marksman's eye." Gomez noted.
"This one's not from King Robert, but my sister…Ophelia Arryn…At the Eerie Eyrie…" Morticia eyed the unscrolled note. "Her husband, the King's Hand…Is dead."
"Dead? Jon Arryn, her husband?" Gomez stared.
"Lucky guy, at last." Fester noted. "Ophelia being his wife…"
"Uncle Fester!" Morticia, shocked.
"Fester…" Gomez shook head. "Hmmn…This sounds like it may something to do with Robert's going here." He eyed Morticia.
"If you're not using that crow…" Fester noted.
"I'll be sending a note back to Ophelia…Gomez…" Morticia eyed the note. "There's more…"
"Probably about how he jumped through the Moon Door to escape her…" Fester noted.
"Fester, old man…" Gomez shook head as Morticia glared.
"Sorry…" Fester sighed. "Can I go have Lurch find the other one for my dinner?"
"May as well…" Gomez noted, leaning close as Morticia scanned the other side of the note… "And I agree with you about Jon jumping…" he whispered, winking.
"Ok, then…Lurch!" Fester called happily, heading down the stairs.
"Gomez…This is horrible."
"I know…That raven is not going to be in good shape when Lurch gets to it."
"No, I mean about my brother-in-law,Jon. Ophelia says he was murdered, poisoned." She eyed him.
"Poisoned? Or 'poisoned'?" he replied.
"Gomez…" frown.
"Well, I do have to agree with Fester that Jon might have had some desire to get even further away from Ophelia than Kings' Landing." Gomez shrugged. "But I suppose it's cause for concern. Unless she did it."
"Gomez. She loved Jon, despite his age, general unpleasant appearance, tendency to speak of nothing but business, disapproval of the way she raised their son, and his recent insistence on sending the boy away to be raised as a ward on the far edge of the kingdom. No, she says the Lannisters poisoned Jon."
"The Queen's family Lannisters? Why would they want to do that?"
"They are a rather notably ruthless family, darling." Morticia noted. "Jamie Lannister carving up the Mad King as he did at the end of Robert's Rebellion. I mean was It necessary to hack him into four pieces?"
"The Targaryens are a hardy bunch with a great record of survival." Gomez noted. "You know it's said that despite Ser Walter's ties to the Starks, he's had secret dealings with the Lannisters, particularly Queen Cersei."
"Dear Gods no…" Morticia sighed. "That woman will have sex with anyone."