Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values

Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?

Part XII…

Meanwhile…That morning in the boggy, flooded land surrounding the Swampflood keep Pugsly and Branded Stark had decided to show off to each other their respective pets, Branded's fearsome if lovable direwolf, Summer…And Pugsly's absolutely terrifying and more questionably lovable swamp thing, Hoodoo, a legendary seven foot hairy creature of rather apelike appearance capable of mimicking human speech to the extent of constantly repeating its name… "Hoodoo…Hoodoo…Hoodoo…" when addressed. Each boy praising the courage, tracking ability, and general legendary ferocity of their pet. Unfortunately the two legendary creatures had quickly established one reason why their respective species had become "legendary" by promptly fleeing in respective terror at each other's sight.

"So much for any huntin'. And the quicksand's kinda dry to see anyone or thing gettin' swallowed up. So, whatdaya wanna do now?" Pugsly sighed, as it became clear neither animal would be returning shortly.

Hmmn…Branded eyed the tall stone face of the main Tower…Rising to a soaring height above the walls of Swampflood…Nearly 400 feet in fact.

"Because it's there…" the words of famed mountain climber and knight the late Ser George Mallory springing immediately to his mind as excuse…Should any adult question why.

…

"Jamie…What's eating you? I mean instead of you, me as usual." Cersei frowning at the valiant Kingslayer as he lay beside her, still clad in armor, in the Tower hideaway storage room she'd managed to find about two-thirds of the way up on a side facing a rather forbidding stretch of bog and water, not likely to be occupied by prying eyes unless prying eyes sinking into quicksand.

Need to get in the mood, I'm not just some town pump you know…He'd noted when she'd suggested things might move along if he'd doff the metal cocoon.

"What do you think?" he groused. "You've been using me since day one...And I include our nine months in utero together… And now I'm not even your sex toy, I'm your sperm donor to make Robert Barftheron look good."

"Well…" she hesitated. "You are pledged to defend the King's honor, Jamy." Brushing his face with finger. "And what could be more honorable than making him look virile and manly in the sack dept.?" she noted, winsome smile. "And I still find you a very adequate sexual fall-back when I can't get even a modicum of pleasure from Robbie."

Frown…

…..

"Hey, boys!" Fester had stuck his bald head out of a Tower casement window at the two, Branded, followed by Pugsly, made their way up the Tower. Both wearing improvised masks from strips of cloth.

"Greetings, citizen…Don't be alarmed." Branded, formally… "I am Brandman and my sidekick below, Pugsly the Wonder Boy and I are duly knighted and deputized crime fighters off to foil the criminal schemes of the infamous supervillains, the Jester, the Puffin, and Wolflady as they seek to steal the crown jewels stored at the top of this Tower. Right, Wonder Boy?" he looked down at the puffing Wonder Boy.

"Ye…ah…Are we there yet? Hey…Unc…le…Fes…ter…" Pugsly gave desperate wave…

"Just three hundred and fifty feet to go, boys! Have a great time but if you should fall, aim for the pig muck…" Fester noted cheerily. Eyeing the seven feet they'd managed…

I'd say Pugsly's good for maybe another five feet, nothing to worry about with all the mire.

"Thanks, citizen." Branded saluted. Fester drawing back and closing window.

"I think your uncle doesn't think we'll make it…" Branded looked down to Pugsly.

"I don't think we think we'll make it…" Pugsly gasped.

"Well I did have Lurch leave some lemon cakes and milk on the roof." Branded noted. "Though I didn't tell him how we were getting there."

"Lemon cakes?" Pugsly, eagerly. "Say…Lets move to the far side over Forbidding Bog, where the swamp gets all bottomless. It's got more footholds, Father felt any attacking force deserved a little extra help for their foolhardy courage trying it from that end."

….

"Just want you to know Jonny, that I feel as if I stand for your late foster mother here…" Lady Addams addressed Jon Snowed in his guest room while carefully packing his gear for his trip to the Wall and a lifetime, with the occasional several months' leave, of grim, unrelenting service.

"Lady Stark hated my guts…" Jon sighed. "Though she did do her best not to shove it in my face all the time in front of others."

"Well, I'm sure she'd want me to make up for that…It now all being water under the bridge, like that which bore her and your father's corpses out to sea when Ser Walter gave them and his latest wife the cheapest honorable burial he could via old river barge he meant to break up for scrap anyway." hastily. "And as her old friend as well as your dear, dear father's, I'm happy to do so, always." She beamed.

"You've always been very kind to me, Lady Addams. Thank you." Jon gratefully noted, soulful brown eyes beaming to her equally soulful brown ones. "You've been so much more than a godsmother to me, the only one willing to stand for me in the lists of the Godsmother Tourney when Father brought me home to Winterfalls. I've always felt as though I had a mother watching over me whenever you'd come to visit or have me here or send me birthday and Sevenmas presents and have me for summer vacation and trips to the Free Cities in Essos and when you came to my Sevenmitzvah…"

"Well, I like to take an interest." She noted, carefully. "And I'll be up occasionally to have a gander at the Wall and see how you're getting on. How about this weekend?" eager tone…

"Thank you but we won't likely reach the Wall till Monday. You know Lord Tyrion is coming along to see it?"

"He's a pistol, that dear Imp." she beamed. "It should be a fun trip, you know, perhaps I'll come too."

"Well, my Lady…My uncle and soon-to-be superior Lord Benjy specifically said no women could come along when my sister Arya asked. Too much chance of inciting gang rape from the bunch he picked up in Kings' Landing, you know."

"Pshaw…I can handle that load of horse manure…" she snorted.

"Well, my Lady…" Jon, carefully… "I really want to get off on the right foot with the other guys…" sheepish look.

"And having a gods/foster mum of sorts bringing you there won't look too good?" she sighed, nodding. "I get it, Jonny. No problem." Downcast look. "I never liked it when my grandma wanted to bring me to a battlefield and would start fixing my hair, even as the enemy charged, though of course it never kept her from hacking a few dozen with her battle axe, Old Bludgeon. Really, I understand, sweetheart."

"But I'd love it if you could come up for Unashamed Visitors' Day…With Robbed and the girls." he noted. "It would fill the aching void left by knowing nothing of my true mother." Sadly soulful stare… "Before he died, my father told me he would tell me as soon as he got back from that wedding at Ser Walter's who my real mum was before I went up to the Wall forever. But…" sigh.

"Did he?" she eyed him…Slight frown.

Ned Stark and his "flexible" sense of honor…

Still, the boy was going for life and all, she eyed him. And would it really hurt to let him know the truth…? That his dear 'other foster' godsmother was none other than his true…

"Jon! Time to be off!" Ser Benjy's booming voice at the door. "My caravan of thieves, rapists, and murderers about to 'volunteer' for meritorious lifetime service facing hideous death and horrorable living conditions is getting antsy…! Ah, Lady Addams…" he greeted her. "Seeing the lad off? Good of you to take such interest in my beloved if bastard nephew."

"Of course, Ser Benjy. I was a good older friend to Lady Stark. And acquainted with Lord Stark, sort of." She shrugged. "Well, I'd best let you two be on yer way. Jon, you dress warm and keep your sword up, pointy end out."

"Arya told me that too, before I left her at Winterfalls." He grinned.

Oh…She gulped, pausing. "And perhaps when I see you at the Wall, we can talk. I might be able to help with some of those questions you had for your father. I knowing so many of his friends and relations and all…Perhaps I could ask around, see what I can uncover…" she gave him a quick peck on the cheek. "Take care of him, Benjy." Grim look…

"That's real good of you, my Lady." Benjy nodded. "Well, off to a life of endless exile in the bitter Far North ending only in our deaths, probably in the most gruesome ways imaginable…Come along, Jon, don't dawdle."

"My Lady…" Jon bowed, grabbing his pack and heading for the door.

Oh…Lady Addams sighing after him…Watching as he trudged alongside Benjy.

"Real nice lady to take such an interest in you all these years." Benjy noted.

"She's been like a mother to me…" Jon sighed as they made their way across the Great Hall…Servants still trying to clean it, Lurch pausing in midscrub of huge stain on the great table where Robert had sat to offer courteous bow, slight wave, and groan… "My….Lords…Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…"

"She was always close to Caitlyn and Ned." Benjy nodded. "I remember when Ned met her army just after the Battle of the Trident and spent two months with her, recovering from his wounds. She nursed him night and day and night in her own tent. A great lady…Not to mention quite the rep in her day…Warrior, Lover…Warrior and lover…She and her husband, old Lord Addams, had this very open marriage…" they went on out through the great doors of the Hall. "If I hadn't been pledged to the Watchers and committed to living a manly man's life in the company of men, l might well have taken a whack at her myself in me younger days after she'd been widowed, she was something…" he nodded fondly. "Even Ned always used to say…"

….

"Beware evildoers, wherever you are and whatever you're doing!" Branded's voice cried as he and Pugsly clambered ever higher up the sheer wall of the Tower.

Lemon…Cakes…Pugsly thought…Lem…on Cakes… He forced himself on and managed to pass Branded as Bran paused to look out over the vast swamplands below…

"Hey, Pugs?!" Bran called.

"Whichever of the Seven is appropriate, who the hell is that?!" Cersei cried out as Pugsly, smelling the faint odor of lemon from Jamie's hair rinse, peered in at the window of the storage room in which the two Lannister twins were "discussing the political situation".

And actually, given my reluctance to give it up out of my pissed mood, we actually were, Jamie thought.

Though I can see where the kid might get the wrong impression seeing us in bed together and Cersei half-naked…Though really, who in the Seven Kingdoms hasn't seen her half-or more-naked?

Though he would show just when I'd finally decided, ah what the hell a fuck's a fuck…

"Jamie? He's seen us!" Cersei, anxious. "Hey, you, kid?! Are you anybody?! I mean anybody not a miserable peasant no one would miss?"

"I…I'm Pugs…Pugsly Addams…" Pugsly was blinking furiously.

"Hey, Pugs?! Whatya see there?" Branded's voice.

Shhh…Jamie, finger to his lips, as he slipped out of bed and came to the window. Hey, there…Smile…

"A clever boy, a remarkable boy. You didn't by any chance, see anything untoward going on here, my fine rotund bully boy?" Cersei asked, smiling sweetly as she pulled coverlet up.

"Besides you and the Kingslayer, commander of the King's Guard in bed together and you half-naked, your Highness Cersei?" Pugsly asked.

"A remarkable boy, an intelligent boy…" she nodded. "Yes my fine tubby fellow…" she beamed.

"Nah, just you and your brother making out, your Highness…" Pugsly nodded. Jamie now offering him a hand which he took. "Thanks…"

"Quite a load there, kiddo." Jamie noted. "Kudos for hauling it all this way up." Grin.

"PUGS? What are you looking at up there?!" Branded's voice louder.

Hmmn-hmm…Cersei nodded to Pugsly…"I see…" she beamed. "Well, boys will be boys. Kill 'em…" she turned to Jamie. "Make sure you shove both to their deaths, the other kid calling him might have guessed something."

"You know it wouldn't kill you to say please, just once in a while." Jamie frowned, carefully shoving Pugsly in Branded's direction. Faint cries…

"Please…May I have more sex?" she asked, coyly, forefinger in mouth, winsome look.

I just know she'll call me Robert again, like she just did…He sighed.

…..