Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?
Part XX…
Grounds of the Red(der) Keep, King's Landing…
Enter Prince Joffrey, solus, but, naturally, for Airedale, following (rolling eyes…I don't get paid enough as it is and now I gotta hear the mad putz singing his heart out?):
"Oh, my heart is beating wildly
And it's all because she's here
When I'm not near the girl I love
I must torment the girl I'm near
Every femme that flutters by me
Is a flame that must be fanned
When I can't fondle the hand I'm fond of
I break the hand at hand
My heart's in a pickle
It's constantly fickle
And not too partickle, I fear
When I'm not near the girl I love
I torment the girl I'm near
Sansa, I mean Wednesday,
Is my girl for anyday.
But in torture I'm unfaithful Ifear…
What if they're tall and tender
What if they're small and slender
Long as they've got that gender
I desire them to surrender
Always I can't refuse them
Always my insane wrath pursues them
Long as they've got a bosom
I woos 'em
I torture the girl I'm near…
When I am not… near the gi-rl I love
I torment any girl I'm near
I'm confessing a confession
And I care not if I'm verbose
When I'm not close to the lips that I cling to
I have slapped the lips that's close…" ("That's an order, dog!" he called back.)
"As I become more than mere mortal
I am more and more a psychotic case
When I'm not facing the face that I fancy
I smash the face I face
For Wednesday I'm-a-caring
But Sansa I must-be-wooing
I'm (twistedly) faithful to whos'n is here
When I'm not near the girl I love
I…Torment the girl I'm near…" raised arms…
Grim look about…Then downcast…
What, no appreciative audience?
"Dog? Remind me to retrospectively kill a couple of hundred nobodies when I am crowned for not cheering my singing?"
Raised eye, roll…Airedale shaking head.
Sigh from Joffrey as he resumes discourse on his tragic plight…
"Be nice to Sansa, Mother says. And Father confirms. Actually seconding her…My Gods, that's only happened when he said… "Yeah, hic-hic…Merry Sevenmas or whatever…Bwaffffhhh…" before stumbling upstairs that Sevenmas eve when I was five. I'm to marry her, Airedale, to secure the bonds between our Houses. Mother's now babbling nonsense about how she thinks everyone will be happy and there's no need to worry about young Robbed Stark rebuilding the Starks' power in the North because 'dear Gomez is such a great guy and good friend to Bobbie…er the King your father'…And Robbed is 'such a sweet, noble boy who'll be guided by Lord Addams'." shakes head. "I mean I've dreamed of a happy family life, with Mom and Dad in love and Dad treating me like a beloved or at least, tolerable, son and heir, and me allowed free liberty to torment whomever I like at will…But…Politically. This all just seems a bit too…Unruthless, I mean for the Lannister-Barftheron clan? Aren't we supposed to crush our enemies and wade in their bloody entrails?"
So what? You expect me to answer this insane twaddle? The Airedale repressed a sigh, looking noncommittal…As if I didn't know any response would be twisted by you, you little insane prick, into some reason to have me flogged or otherwise tortured...Or more likely, to torment the first person you caught me caring about. You really need to spend time with my insane brother, you and he would get on like gangbusters.
"You're right of course, dog…" Joffrey reflected, answering himself. "Sansa's cute enough and as Mom suggested…" (Tongue firmly in cheek, I saw…The Airedale thought. And agree having seen Lady Wednesday scorning you.) "…I could always see Wednesday on the side. Kinda thrilling that adultery thing…Caesar of Valeria was big on that, you know. Plus a good chance to mentally torture Sansa and brutally and publicly humiliate her for not being Wednesday, my true love. Which as you know, is in the Barftheron tradition. Wow, I really am my father's son, eh?" beam.
Sounds like the Joffrey Barftheron version of marital bliss, alright…The Airedale quickly rolled eyes again. Solemn look as Joffrey glanced at him.
I ought to record all these demented babblings he does to me for history's sake… "Annals of the even Madder King…Vol1, the Nut Case yet Wussy Prince", a surefire best seller decades from now. "You'll pity even as you revile him."-The New Penthosian Times. "A clear and accurate history of how the Barftheron line fell-Heck, sledge-hammered itself in the head into an early grave. Gods, what a nut."-The Bravvos Review. "A true horror-story of a reign. Someone really should poison that bastard fruitcake like a mad dog that needs to be put down."-The Tyrrell Reporter.
One does have to think about retirement, after all.
"Well, in any case…" Joffrey reflected… "If it pleases Father and Mother, I suppose I'll have to turn on the charm for the bitch." Beaming smile…Sigh. "But, oh…Wednesday…If only she'd deign to spit upon me as Sansa and I passed her during the wedding procession. That's how women show their love, you know, dog. Father told me once…And told me to keep going back to the ones who do so, even if they kick me away, have relatives beat me, or set dogs upon me. 'Only a worthless little shit like you would fail to be persistent in such cases', he says. It's an incentive to prove my worth, you know. That's true fatherly advice, dog."
Fortunately…The Airedale sighed to himself…Even that doesn't make up for his innate prickyness. Else I'd be weeping for the kid and probably facing the chopping block for trying to kill Robert.
"Well, let us go seek out Lady…yuck...But good enough to fuck…Sansa." Sigh, then brightening… "Maybe Lady Wednesday will be with her and that boy-girl Arya. Perhaps she'll even mock me as she does. That's a lady's way of saying… 'Gods I want you, keep trying'…Dog."
No doubt more helpful advice from Dad…The Airedale thought.
…
Winterfalls…
To which, with his guardian's gracious permission, Robbed Stark has returned with brother Ricketts and adoptive brother/hapless captive hostage Fearing Greatjerk to see that all is secure…
Being a wise move, given on hearing of Ned Stark's demise, the Tin Islands Lord, Percy "Hotspur" Greatjerk, Fearing's valiant but hot-headed, bellicose, and blind to overwhelming odds, dad, has laid plans to seek revenge for his long-ago defeat by the Stark clan and rumors are abounding as to his preparations for war.
"Dad's a psychotic barbarian with no grace or 'tone', Robbed, it's true." Fearing was noting to Robbed in the Great Hall of Winterfalls. "But I think I can persuade him to back off if he's really up to something. After all, it's not like there's a civil war going on that might give us a chance of kicking your asses. We'd be crushed by you and Tywin Lannister even before King Robert came to join in the fun. Our best policy is clearly to blow with the prevailing winds, cringe abjectly, and stay loyal, I'll make the case to Dad."
"Sniveling but wise, Fearing…"Robbed nodded. "The Lord Hand Addams being my guardian, you can be sure the whole might of Westeros would be thrown upon your pathetic homeland…It was 10 to 1 last time, it'll be 100 to 1…If your father is so unbalanced as to try to attack."
"Exactly. Abject surrender is the only way…" Fearing nodded. "Peace at any price, that's my policy. Unless of course civil war does break out in which case I'd do all I could to persuade Dad to ally with you against the Lannisters. I have a sister whom I remember was showing a degree of hotness potential when I left home, who'd make an excellent marriage chip for you. Whilst our people would surely be useful in raiding the Lannister coast…And I know they'd love to plunder, kill, and rape men, women, and children in Lannisterport and its environs instead of having it done to them, for a change. The Golden Rule of our pseudo-medieval culture…'Do it to them first and worse before they do it to you.'"
Robbed nodding… "You're a loyal if sniveling friend and true if carefully watched brother, Fearing. I think Lord Addams will manage to keep the peace but you can go and give your father my best wishes and tell him mass slaughter and enslavement in Essos awaits him and all your kind if he fails to remain in abject submission despite my father's death leaving us vulnerable. As for your sister, well…Maybe for Branded, while he's comatose. I as Lord of Winterfalls and potential King of the North candidate naturally couldn't lower myself so much as to soil my family name with a mere Greatjerk bride. I'd sooner take one of Frey's bitches. But my regards to my potential in-laws, tell your sis Branded's a great kid and would be no trouble to her at all as a husband."
"I'll gladly bear that message, brother Robbed." Fearing, hand on shoulder. Several guards immediately drawing swords, one holding knife to Greatjerk's throat.
"What have I said about getting too close, Greatjerk?" Robbed frowned.
"Uh…Sorry, sir." Fearing sheepishly as Ricketts also frowned.
Watch yourself, miserable shit-eating hostage.
"Visitor at the gates, my Lord Stark." An attendant came to the door of the Hall. "Lord Tyrion Lannister has returned from the far North, sends his greetings, and would like to request shelter for the evening for himself and about 200 merry companions, merchants, and associated hangers on. He brings news of Jon Snowed and politely inquires as to your brother's..."
Robbed rising in anger, having been alerted by Lady Morticia before her departure for Kings' Landing as to the possible if unconfirmed involvement of Lord Tyrion in the attempted murder and crippling of the boys Branded and Pugsly.
"Lord Stark, yo…" Tyrion with merry followers following in happy ongoing carousal…
No one with unlimited credit ever being short of merry followers…
"Couldn't wait to hear how things stand with your brother and young Pugs, but didn't have time to slog through to Swampflood…Your other brother the bastard Snowed is settling in well at…"
"Imp…" glare from Robbed. Glare from Ricketts. Glare from Stark attendants. Glare from Fearing, after pause to see if glare was the right mode to enter.
"Cousin Imp…" Tyrion noted, wry look. "Robbed? This seems hardly a warm welcome, distant cousin Stark. What did Cersei finally kill off Robert and start a civil war and po'd you to the other side? Don't tell me you found out Dad was behind the deaths of your parents at Ser Walter's shindig? I would assure he'd never be so stupid."
"Yes. No. Not yet." Robbed, coldly.
Merry followers and assorted hangers-on looking a bit distressed.
This is looking not like a nuptial nor a decent night's rest…
"We don't gotta fight for the imp cause we took his money and hospitality, do we?" one nervous fellow hissed to a comrade. "I'm really more of a sell wordsmith than a sell sword…But you know the Lannisters and how that 'pay debts' thing works both ways."
"No contract was signed, no handshake, we're good…We just kindly offer distant and objective moral support." his friend hissed back. "Maybe a nice laudatory poem if he gets croaked."
"I could manage that."
Tyrion shaking head…"Oh?…Well. Was it that prostitute, Roz? Look, Bob…I'm sorry if the girl goes for the deep pockets…"
"This isn't about a prostitute…" Robbed glared.
He got my Roz in the sack? That lil' son of …Fearing fumed.
"And the girl is dead in any case…"
"What?!" Tyrion, Fearing in chorus. Fearing having not needed to be informed and no one caring to…
"She was an assassin as well as a whore…" Robbed, grimly.
"Hey…" Tyrion frowned. "Mind your tongue there…Even a prostitute should be treated like a lady…What, she killed your parents?"
"No…She tried to kill the maester bribed to kill Branded and Pugsly Addams, in their sickroom at Swampflood. The boys someone was paid to murder by pushing them off the Swampflood walls, I'm sure of it now…And she was assisting someone else who tried to finish the job."
"And you think I?..." Tyrion shaking head…
Merry followers eyeing each other…
Did not sign on to hang with a mini-child murderer…
"I didn't say you. You said you." Robbed noted. "But you Lannisters do have the deep pockets for such large assassin staffs."
"Oh, tres clever…" Tyrion frowned, rolling eyes. "You have all the razor's keenness of your dad… Well, so you think what, my dad? Cersei?"
Hmmn…Cersei I might just believe…
"I accuse no other without proper evidence." Robbed, grimly.
"And yet here you are, accusing me…" Tyrion sighed. "Well, all I can say is you're rather foolish to see that neither I nor my father would have anything to gain from something like this."
"Like what?!" Fearing cut in, accusingly.
"Like we were just discussing, you fool twit…" Tyrion glared. "Well, fine…You don't accuse me but you've tried and found me guilty without proof. I'll be off then, with my…" he looked round to see all but three or four truly desperate hangers-on had slipped off…And they were hanging back, in the shadows… "I'll be off. I'm sure I find a good bed at the local brothel and poor Roz had a very pretty near-identical sister no doubt in need of comforting. But before I go…"
Pouch hung on his shoulder opens, hand extends holding sheaf of papers…
"Thanks, Thing…" Tyrion took the sheaf, examining. "Excellent work…Say how are things so far at Kings' Landing?"
Ok sign by the hand which re-entered the pouch.
"Yes, well, give my best to Lord Addams…"
The hand briefly re-emerging, waving…And withdrawing again into the pouch…
"Right, then…" Tyrion offered the sheaf to Robbed who eyed them. "This is a set of diagrams for a harness for the boys to ride on horse. If they do remain crippled, it should ease their lives a bit and impress any girls willing to overlook their disability for the sake of lands, money, and power."
Robbed taking drawings, looking over…
"Have your workmen fix it up. It should help." Tyrion noted.
"What are you looking at you twit? Take any degrees in engineering while here in abject captivity?" he eyed Fearing who'd bent in to take a closer look at the drawings, attempting to look as if he understood them.
"You've done a neat thing for Branded and Pugsly. I apologize. You're welcome here, unless of course evidence arises to confirm your guilt in the crime." Robbed noted.
"Lovely. Think I'll take myself off to said brothel, thanks." Tyrion, shrug. Oooh, brothel...Several of the now returning hangers-on noted to each other. "Hilda the sister awaits. Give my best to the boys and tell them there are worse things than being disabled and filthy rich. There's being disabled and left on a dung heap to die by your impoverished parents…Or sold to a traveling circus to join a freak show." Reflecting as Robbed stared. "Actually Cersei tried to do that to me one summer. But I just organized the freaks and we came home and they camped out on our lawn all summer. One of them fell for Cersei, it was a bit sad…Serenaded her every night. You know I actually think the feeling was a bit mutual…You know Cersei…" All nod… "Till Father had him sewn up in a sack Byzantine style and dumped at sea. I think she even blames me for that." shrug.