Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?
Part XXIII…
Tyrion, mounted on a fine horse, in his favorite leather traveling jerkin, attendants gaily decked out, various merry…Especially when travelling with a friendly lord with limitless pockets…travelling companions…En route from the Wall, just south of Winterfalls, moving through the somewhat rough country just bordering the Arryn lands of the Vale…
(tune of "The Road to Morocco"…Hope and Crosby, look it up on Ye- (or, on Earth, You-tube)
"We're off on the road to Kings Landing
This saddle is tough on the spine (hit me with a band-aid, Dad)
What'll happen, why we're goin', how can we be sure?
I'll lay you eight to five that we'll meet easy ladies of Lamour (yeah, get in line, knowing nods, grins of scattered companions about Tyrion)
Off on the road to Kings Landing
Hang on till the end of the line
I hear the South is where they do the dance of the seven veils
We'd tell you more (uh-ah, Tyrion wages finger) but we would have Lannister censor on our tails (good boys)
We certainly do get around
Like Danerys Targaryen (right, someday, uh-huh) we're Kings Landing bound…"
"That ways the road to Storming Out…" Tyrion points, half the company's merchants breaking off to follow the other route.
Merchants, reluctantly turning…Not great enthusiasm for this destination…
"Well look out, well clear the way, 'cause here we come
Stand by for a concussion…" several merchants sigh.
"They say the Light Lorders sleep on nails and saw unbelievers' wives in half…"
"It seems to me there should be easier ways to get a laugh…"
(Tyrion- "Shall I slip on my big shoes?") Rest of party waves the merchants off…
"(Well thanks the gods we're still)…Off on the road to Kings Landing…
Hooray! Well, blow a horn, everybody duck!
Yeah. It's a green light, come on boys…
We may run into Villians but we're not afraid to roam…
Because we read Martin's books and some of us wind up safely home (yeah, right…Cut to George chuckling…)
Lannisters certainly do get around…
Like that hot blonde Targaryen we're Kings Landing bound…"
"Hey, fellas what is that thwacking…Arrrgh!" groan from one of the merry companions.
"I'd say we've run into the said villains, gentlemen!" Tyrion cried. "Shields up, boys! Take cover!"
"Uncle Fester!" Morticia's stern voice echoing through the hills…
Sadly not the place to start echoes through hills…
"What?!" Fester's voice, likewise echoing from another locale.
"Cease and desist at once…" Morticia emerging on horse from round a bend in the road to face Tyrion and said no longer so merry band. The wounded man groaning from the arrow in leg.
"But these are the guys who tried to bump off our boys, Morty." Fester, still in ambush position called.
"Lady Addams?" Tyrion looked up at the stern figure on horseback…Morticia in, naturally, black riding habit, Ser Arnold riding beside her, at his hulkingly grim best, sword drawn.
"Cousin Tyrion." Cool reply. "Fester?! Come out or I'll send Ser Arnold to fetch you!"
"Aww!...Uh-oh!" Fester's tone changing as he spied the swarming group of screaming barbarians coming down from the upper hills, passing his secure spot.
"Surely, Cousin Morticia, despite the insanity in your family borne out by your whacked twin sister, you can't believe I…" Tyrion began.
"Everybody! Duck!" Fester called. "Raiders!"
"Down! Everyone!" Tyrion cried. Arrows and axes now flying in at the definitely unmerry band…
"Your money and your lifes!" cry from the hills.
"That's lives, you repulsive morons!" Tyrion called up. "And you know it, we've had compulsory public education since Dad implemented it as Hand! Stop trying to act like Doofraki,…"
Thwack of arrow beside him, another bringing down Morticia's horse, a flying axe knocking Ser Arnold off his. While various now quite miserable companions sought shelter or bought an early grave…
"…showing off." Hmmn… He raced to the fallen Morticia, Ser Arnold struggling to his feet and likewise to her side, waving him off with sword.
"For Gods' sake, I'm only trying to help." Tyrion frowned. "I really suggest we put aside…" Dodging passing axe by inches as Morticia was covered from an arrow by Ser Arnold's timely raise of arm, the arrow shattering on his armor.
Sound of a harp string playing a mournful twang, dying to silence… "Ah, they got the bad musician." Tyrion beamed, looking over. "There's one I owe them." He turned to accept a small shield emerging in a hand from the saddle pouch of Morticia's dying horse. "Thanks, Thing." He took it. "Soright in there?" the hand making an "ok" sign. "Right." He raised shield in time to take a flying axe that bowled him over.
"Hurry, back here!" he called to Morticia, trying to comfort her now dead horse, Ser Arnold urging her to take cover.
Surprise assault or no, Lady Maud is going to have my Terminator IV head for this…He sighed.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Fester's voice howling as he came charging down the hill in the rear of the raiders now engaged in robbing and finishing off the various far from merry companions and guards still not fled or no longer able to. A very few of the surviving guards trying to fight them off.
…
Kings' Landing…
Brothels R Us HQ…
Prostitutes and attendants surrounding him parting to give us the view of Lord Petyr swinging swivel version of the Iron Throne to face us…White cat in his lap, accepting stroke, looking disdainfully out at us…
"So…Lord Gomez has won his argument with Bob Barftheron to open up the new railroad line from his new coal mines to the capital." Frown. "And Bob himself is no longer distracted by constant conflict with his skank Queen…Nor facing likely demise at her hands for fear her psycho offspring will be exposed as the unholy product of…Eehew…I may be a fiendish would-be supervillain who profits from prostitution and plays with millions of lives as if they were meaningless but…Incest?"
"Eehew…" the host of prostitutes and attendants echoed.
"This threatens all my plans to avenge myself on the great ones of Westeros…The ones who scorned a fine young chap of courage and intelligence and financial brilliance because he wasn't from a great big…Incestuous…House…" he rose, cat leaping.
"No…" Prostitutes and attendants shaking heads in sad shock…
"A young man, the smartest of the bunch, mind you…Rejected by the girl he loved for a dimwittedly 'honorable' oaf who was just a fill-in for her original suitor, his brother."
"Oh…" sighs all around…
"Unbelievable isn't it?" frowing shake of head. "But now she's gone, thanks to said dimwittedly honorable husband's laughable trust in a faithless bannerman."
"But…Wasn't that a candle-out accident at the Tripletts?" one puzzled blonde prostitute asks…
"Oh please. That was no candle-out accident…" Lord Petyr frowns. "That was a shark among men, plotting to seize power on a small, local scale…Rather admirable in his scheming, given his advanced years but who must die shortly. If he doesn't finally poop out from sex as he should've years ago."
"Oh, Ser Walter…Right." The blonde prostitute nods knowingly.
A perv skunk but our best customer the prostitutes collectively think.
"Just a matter of whether Bob or Robbed deals with him first…But if they don't…" grim look.
A couple of ruined knights eyeing each other…
Right, like little Petyr could take even that old geezer…Love to watch that one. Each trying to outtalk the other while looking to stab them in the back…
"But now the real threat…To my master plan to secure the future of my grip on Westeros…The World…By seizing full control of what will be the greatest resource ever discovered by Man…Or Woman." Nod to the female prostitutes who pleased…The Boss is always so forward-thinking…Nodded back.
"…Coal…" he rose… "The ultimate resource…Source of light, heat…Power!"
"Busby!" call.
Cue music… (theme from "Goldfinger")
Mistress Shirley Bassett stepping from behind the Brothels R Us main stage curtain…
"Middlefinger…"[da-da-da-da dah]
"He's the Man. The Man with the Midas touch…" Prostitutes moving to back her up…
"…A spider's clutch. Such a Coldfinger. Beckons you…" Shirley, with chorus. Middlefinger twiddling finger…Inviting smile.
"…to enter his web of sin…" ("Fifty percent off on entrance fee this week's special for the Lord's Hand Tourney." He notes.)
"But don't go in…" ("Unless you care to lose your armor, honor, shirt…" one ruined knight sighed.)
"Golden words he will pour in your ear. But his lies can't disguise what you fear…" Petyr, boyish smirk to us…Moi? Shake of head, grin. Wave to Busby who presses buttons causing a huge tapestry map of Westeros to unfurl to the floor of the stage.
"…for the golden girl knows when he's kissed her. (and tossed her out her own Moon Door) It's the kiss of death from Mister…Middlefinger." ("The center of the coal region…" Petyr notes, pointing out the Eerie Eryie on map. "And soon, now sooner than planned, we will secure it. Not even Tywin Lannister will be able to prevent us then from controlling the coal supply of Westeros…And soon, after I marry Danerys T and with my brutal hired thugs' assist, the Doofraki coal fields…And the World.")
"Pretty and insanely foolish girls…Beware of his heart of coal…This heart is cold." ("Well not for my poor Kitty-Cat." He notes glumly to the prostitutes who sympathetically pat him. "I mean I like Ophelia but come on, she's nuts…And she did kill her own husband. As for Dany, what? She's plotting to invade Westeros with an army of rampaging raping goons…Stopping her by a timely wedding, followed by an even more timely funeral? A positive good for the majority. I'm saving millions of lives here.")
[Cut to shot of Lord Verysmuch in his quarters, beaming slyly. "I knew that. And it's rather foolish to give away such a major plot point so throwaway."]
Big finish…Middlefinger surrounded by his prostitutes eyeing us archly…Shirley belting it out…
"He loves only Coal!…Only Coal…" ("Well, I like Art too…And Power…")
"He loves only Coal. His heart is so cold…Only Cooooaaooaaalll!"
….