Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?
Part XXXV…
Great Hall of the Redder Keep…The day before Tyrion's arrival at his father's camp in the borderlands…
Sansa, with a sulking Joffrey currently refusing to come off the Iron Throne, as Jamie, awaiting the arrival of his men, watches, amused…
"You know, not that I give a flying f-, kid..." Jamie eyed the boy sprawled dejectedly. "But if your dad finds you here, on his and your brother's…"
"It's my throne! I earnt it by right of birth and psychotic behavior, like any Targaryen!" Joffrey fumed.
"But you're a Barftheron…So they say…" Jamie grinned. "Your line earned it by bloody conquest. You, uh…Up to the challenge of taking on…Oh, I can't say this with a straight face, on several levels…Your father?"
Uh…
"You should heed your uncle, your Grace…" Sansa noted solemnly. "For now, you must accept the situation, honor your father's wishes. Tell them all what they want to hear and keep saying it till they believe at least that you're nothing but a cowardly doormat. Play the fool. Smile, kiss ass, eat shit, grovel…"
Joffrey glaring…
"In short, become you?" he sneered.
"Yea, verily." She nodded calmly. "If you wish to survive and one day win out over all of them."
Wow…Jamie, Joffrey staring…
That's gotta be some explosively psychotic, repressed bitter rage stuck up in that pretty, demure little bod…
"What, him?" Jamie stared. Waving a gauntleted hand… "Don't get me wrong, kid. Sounds like good advice but…Come on, him?"
"He can do it. You are playing for a throne, my lord." She noted eagerly to the bemused Joffrey.
Conceal my…? Me?
"And for your very life…" she added, shrewd look.
Hmmn…Point taken…
"Perhaps, for the sake of justice and right of kingship, of course…" he paused.
"Oh, my prince it pains to me to see you this way…" Sansa, singing… [Tune of "Gaston" from "Beauty and the Beast"]
"Did I command her to sing?" Joffrey hissed to Jamie…
"My love for you leaves me distraught…Humilated, scorned, abandoned…
That's one lesson I've been taught…
Oh how,it disturbs me to see you, Joffrey
Looking so down in the dumps
You know how I'd love to help you, Joffrey
Tho' life with you does have some bumps.
No prince or king but you has my heart
If I lose you I surely will die
I am so awed and inspired by you…"
"Him?" Jamie blinked…Joffrey blinked…
"Hey!" Sansa glared. "It's really not hard to see why…
My family was wiped out by being so good
My dad such an honorable guy…
So now I see the only way to survive…
Is to link up with someone as psy…chotic as I…
No one…
Fears like Joffrey…
No one sneers like Joffrey…
No one kills guys by drowning in beer like Joffrey…"
"The girl has an interesting viewpoint…" Joffrey noted, sitting up.
Ow…Damn thing…He glared at the throne.
"She's gone totally bonkers…" Jamie…
"I know…" shrug, faint grin.
Hafta admit, in some ways…
Sansa…Swaying about the Throne Room…Bowing to Joff, Jamie, guards, suits of armor…
"No one rants like Joffrey…
No one cants like Joffrey…
No one makes people wet in their pants like Joffrey…
He's simply Caligulaly extraordinary…"
"This is known…" cut to Lord Verysmuch nodding to us in his office.
"That's why…I love Joffrey…"
"That's why?" Jamie stared. "But your parents…Your family…They've always been models of honor and kindness."
"I know…" Joffrey agreed, eagerly curious now. "It's always been so nauseating…"
Sansa…
"As I say, I watched and I listened…See-ing how my parents died.
And I concluded that the world is a foul place and honor is to be decried.
Only by hiding your feelings, smiling and living a lie…
Can a helpless girl without any backing, ever hope to survive."
"True enough…" Joffrey nodded. "Why else keep such a sniveling wretch alive but to enjoy her whimpers…"
"But vengeance still rages within me…" Sansa sang, spinning round and over to the Throne, holding out hands to Joffrey…
Oh, what the hell…He rose, taking her hands.
She's got something, one must admit…
"…And one day it won't denied…" leading Joffrey in waltz.
"No one hates likes Sansa…
No one fakes likes Sansa…
No one ac-cepts psychotic abuse like Sansa…"
"I think kids, I'll be going…" Jamie noted as one of his fully armored men entered, waving to him. "I've my own fool blunders to commit."
"Though I may seem to be yielding and whimperin'…" Sansa to Joffrey… "Ambition and rage boil within…
…And I mean us to climb up to glory, no matter how many we kill…"
"Whoa…My lady…" Joffrey, admiring beam. "Much as I still mean to torture you to death like a bratty kid with a fly, I gotta say…Sing…"
"No….One plots like Sansa…
No one conceals like Sansa…
No one (almost) could match me for twisted hate like Sansa…
(Except for my love Lady Wed), you're truly extra-ordinary…" Spins her…Tossing her into suit of armor with chuckle… "That's why…"
Sansa, beaming as well, spinning Joffrey in turn… "That's why!"
"That's why…" he throws her into the nearest wall…
"That's… Why…" she climbing to her feet, taking his proffered hands again, spinning…
Both…
"It may be insane…But…"
Sansa… "I love…"
Joffrey… "I'll defer for now from killing…"
Sansa… "Joffrey!" Joffrey… "Sansa…' in chorus.
"Though I do love me." Joffrey adds.
"Naturally, my prince…" Sansa bowing to him.
Right…Jamie rolled eyes. Maybe it's insanity…Maybe a plot to get the little punk to trust her, then kill him off. "Nice harmonizing. Well, I'm off. Time to be actually doing something about my brother's kidnapping and to get a little of my manhood back." He sighed. "Just in case I do manage to finally get myself killed in the next few, nephew…A few words of advice. Listen to Lady Stark, she's got a brain."
"Prince Joffrey needs no advice from you, Ser Jamie." Sansa, proudly. "And I only offer what he in his heart and wise brain already knows…"
"Are you nuts, girl? Or is this just post parental death trauma?" he stared at her. "I know you Starks have some Addams and Targaryen blood in your past, according to the rumors, but…"
"Uncle…" Joffrey frowned. "My lady speaks fairly. And I shall…" Cringing as Jaime eyed him coolly.
"Heed her advice, as you suggest, dear uncle…No disrespect intended." He nervously added.
"Gods…" Jamie shrugged. "Well, at least you'll have little trouble with the groveling and scraping bit. Lady Sansa, you deserve better, girl, but…Your insane choice." He waved a hand, heading off. "I've got some senseless brutal fighting to start for my bro's sake…"
"Good riddance, if he dies." Sansa frowned after him. "Though, best to keep him on our side if we can and he survives. We'll need good swordsmen, bound to us by more than the riches we…Er, you, your Grace…Can no longer bestow…And assassins."
"I've always gotten on with Uncle Jamie, relatively speaking…I mean in terms of how hated I am by most of my relations." Joffrey noted. "Perhaps he'll succeed in challenging Lord Addams and kill him." He brightened.
Wait…He eyed her.
Assassins? He blinked at her set face.
"Hardly good for us." Sansa frowned. "The King would suspect you were behind it, at the very least you'd be the focus of his attention. We couldn't make a move safely. No, best if the Kingslayer fails and is driven into rebellion and drags House Lannister into revolt."
"Really?" Joffrey blinked. "But how does that help me?"
Patient sigh…
Darling…Shake of head.
"The kingdom would be in chaos…King Robert would insist on leading an army to attack the Lannisters. Heck, he'll always looking for a fight to get into anyway, he couldn't be stopped. The Queen may back him out of rekindled love but she's a political idiot…And that would leave the capital and your brother, vulnerable." She eyed him.
Hmmn…
I like the way she thinks…I must admit. Though of course I'd immediately betray her for Wednesday's sake. In fact, I wonder if reporting her treason to Father and Lord Addams might score me a few points with my love. Not to mention…I thought she liked Mother? Doesn't everyone?
"Don't, my prince…" Sansa eyed him.
"What? And how dare you give me an order?!"
"I mean, don't tell your father what I've said, to win Wednesday's heart." She noted calmly. "You'd be throwing away your one true supporter and the only hope of you getting your throne back."
Geesh…She really does know me, Joffrey stared. "Why should I betray you, my lady?" he asked, innocent expression.
Really I mean why shouldn't I but…
"I know your heart belongs to Lady Wednesday, my lord." She sighed. "But she has no love for you and will never work to help you as I will. Even if your heart's not in it, at least make use of me until we recover your throne…Then you can dispose of me as you will."
Pig trough, bog, the Severe river, maybe a burial at sea, a gift for sacrifice to that crazy new religion my uncle Stanislaw's gone and gotten into when I need his support, he thought. Nice of her to want to help, though. I'll really have to give her a fine funeral.
"You may trust me, Lady Stark…I will consider you my betrothed and my love, if you assist me to the throne. I pledge myself to you." He knelt, taking her hand.
I mean until that crown is settled on my head, of course…Though, gods, in some ways…She is really my kind of scheming partner.
All the more reason to dispose of her as quickly as I can…Heck, even I know one ultraparanoid psychopath is enough in the Kingdom.
Besides…He smiled fondly at her…She's brave on top of all that. An utterly terrifying combination…Yes, for the safety of the world it will be my duty to rid the world of her.
After she's fulfilled her purpose in saving my throne for me of course…
And maybe I could see my way to putting one or two heirs in her if we can do it without Wednesday finding out ala Mother and Father and Uncle Jamie. She is, for all her quiet rectitude and rather bizarre, yet, for me, quite titillating, self-repression, truly cut from the insane side of the cloth of the Starks and Addamses…It both fascinates and terrifies me what we might spawn, he eyed her eager face.
"Come, my prince…We should away, to show ourselves and quiet any doubts of your loyalty before your uncle moves against the Hand." Sansa noted.
Hmmn…Quite right. Sensible girl, really, despite the pathetic clinging and the twisted, desperate fascination with a psychotic degenerate, he thought, taking her offered hand. "You're right my Lady, though it's unlikely Father would ever believe I put Uncle Jamie up to anything, he might just believe I'd be sitting on the fence, hoping to sneak in and seize the moment."
"Certainly your mother would…" Sansa pointed out as they strolled out… "She knowing you better than anyone…"
Excepting perhaps me/you…They respectively thought, eyeing each other.
…
"So you wanted to see me, my Lord? Anything wrong? Or have you heard about my experiments with transplanting animal testicles and wanted to know if it might be a prospect for you?" Lord Addams, eyeing Lord Verysmuch with smile, who had summoned him in secret to his mysteriously gloomy…
Oh, heck, candles were allowed to fizzle out again…You cannot get good help these days, Verysmuch apologized to Gomez….
…Chambers.
"And no as to the transplant experiments, though I am intrigued…" slight smile, followed by look of deep concern. "But it is the threat to this kingdom, at its very heart…The threat that caused the death of our late Hand, good Jon Arryn...That currently concerns me, my Lord Hand." Waving him to a chair across from him.
"A threat? To Bob's kingdom? And involving poor ole Jon? Well? Speak up, man." Addams took chair.
"Yes, my Lord. It is only for the good of the realm I speak of such things. My Lord Hand, your precedessor…Was murdered." Solemn look.
"Yes…I rather gathered that. Not that I'm all that surprised." Gomez nodded. "Ophelia, I suppose?"
"I cannot say…Though I suspect the Lord Hand was murdered to end his investigation into secret matters threatening the stability of the Kingdom and the House Barftheron and its claim to the throne based on the success in battle, wisdom, and ability of King Robert."
"I'd go for one of those three…" Addams noted. "Continue, my Lord. You have proof Jon was murdered? And possibly not by Ophelia?"
"I believe he was poisoned my Lord. For knowing…Too much."
"Jon?" stare. Hmmn… "I loved Jon Arryn like the surrogate brother he was to Bob and me, but I can't say I'd believe anyone would kill him for his brains. He was really more the reasonably aggressive in battle, bumbling, pontificating Polonius in peacetime type."
"A true assessment, my Lord. And yet…He had come across facts…Which if made public…Could shake the very foundations of the throne."
"You're not saying ole Bob had a hand in this?" Gomez, blanching.
"Oh, no, my Lord…The King is blameless and poisoning is not his style, in any case. He's more a stick a sword in your guts type..."
Until he made me his spymaster…Now I must admit he has grown into a bit more of the realist in politics, plotting the poisoning or assassination by other untraceable means of Princess Danerys and Prince Viciously, Verysmuch thought.
Indeed, I must say if I weren't bizarrely bound to the service of the old dynasty though my fascination with insane conquerors…And perhaps a buried desire to see everyone suffer as I do, under the mad and vicious Targaryen heel…I've gone over to Big Bad Bob for real, some time ago.
Non commital look…
"But there are others who would be threatened by what the Lord Hand seemed about to expose…" Verysmuch, solemn look. "Others, backed by powerful forces, who would do almost anything to prevent such facts from coming to light…"
Step one of my new plot to destabilize this kingdom, Verysmuch thought, eyeing Gomez' intrigued face.
You deliver the message in gloomy, darkened chambers, you look all grim and solemn, you suggest you wish only the good of the Nation…Make the thing plausible…And add a dollop of true fact…And they'll buy…He thought, contentedly.
"I'm afraid I must know more, Verysmuch." Gomez shook head.
Like, yeah…Given I haven't told you anything yet concrete.
"And I am eager to have you properly informed, my Lord Hand. Only you can save King Robert and his throne…" Verysmuch, nodding solemnly.
Eat shit, Middlefinger…I be the Master Spider in this land.