Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?
Part XXXVII…
Council of the 12…Formerly 13 but one clever fellow had had the sense to take his vast wealth and leave on seeing the increasing potency of the Wizard Monks in recent months…Desert Seaport City of Barth…
Named for the undrinkable water initially found at its central oasis by the first dying Valerian refugee traveler to discover the site after the collapse of old Valeria. Said traveler saved by the suitability of its future seaport to harbor vessels buffeted by ocean storms, he'd stayed on to found the place, he and his descendants eventually establishing it as a trade center…
"Gentlepersons and Fellow 1% percenters…" expansively rich voice of former penniless waif…As he never tired of reminding friends, visitors, absolute strangers…But now, limitlessly wealthy merchant/casino owner/developer/politician …Hey, I funded my own campaign to be First of the 13 now 12…Taro Trumpo Don…
"I have called the Council to session…I, Taro Trumpo Don, former penniless waif…"
11 pairs of eyes rolling…
"…Now your First Councilor and incredibly wealthy guy…I'm worth at least 15 billion if we wanna put a figure on it…To discuss a most urgent matter. We shall shortly have a most important visitor…"
Wizard Monk/Councilor Fat Pree Delight giving wise and knowing look from his seat…
(Not as good as mine, Verysmuch eyes us from his office…Lets be clear on that.)
"Are we talking military threat? None of my agents have reported such." Councilor Cleo of Patra, eyeing the First Councilor.
I thought we were close, Don…At least until you waged that campaign with banning Egyptians as your centerpiece platform. Everyone knows my people came from there, geesh. Way to target a defenseless minority for political gain…
"No, not an invader…" Taro put up a hand… "A visitor, seeking our help…"
"That's what you've summoned us for…?" frowns a councilor, the much-chinned Way Fat, Spices Emperor of Barth…You want your food seasoned to taste, you deal with me. "So, take his port fee and customs duty and set up the usual formal reception…"
"She…And she'll pay no fee or duty, though she is entitled to a most formal reception…"
"No fee, no duty…What, is she a penniless cousin waif, seeking to make her fortune, too?" Furg, King of the Fur Trade, noted sarcastically.
"Just what is so special about this one, Taro?" Charles of Kloch, Emperor of Fossil Fuels…And secret supplier of Taro's campaign funding, despite the claims of limitless wealth. A man who preferred to let others bear the burden of power while pulling the financial strings.
"Yeah, like Charlie says…What's so special about…" David of Kloch, Brother of said Charles…Added on the Council via Charles' generous bribes to provide an extra vote as needed…
"Shut up Dave." Charles glared brotherward. "Well?" he eyed the First.
Time you earned that campaign loan you haven't yet repaid out of your "limitless wealth", buddy…
"About Princess Danerys, of the House Targaryen, sole Targaryen heir to Westeros?" arch smile.
Fat Pree nodding solemnly as the others eyed each other.
"And bearing newborn, genuinely fire-breathing, dragons…" Taro smiled.
See, I can deliver, just like I said in my campaign. And that Wall against the Doofraki is going up, paid for by the Doofs…
…
Kings' Landing…
Where a troubled Lord Hand…Both by the troubling information provided by that most trustworthy of councilors, Lord Verysmuch, and the humiliating removal of Prince Joffrey from his rightful succession, on leaving the Great Hall of the Redder Keep was, with his staunch right hand…Thing…And his equally staunch left hand…Joad Tom…Was seeking answers.
And no better place to start than the chamber of Grand Maester Purile…The man with his finger on the neck artery of the nation…As well as being the attending physician at Jon Arryn's deathbed.
Who better to confirm or deny Verysmuch's concerns about poison than the man tending the victim, he noted to Joad who reflected on that a long moment.
Seems to me…He did not say. Implicating a senior minister of the government without proof and an army to support one being a capital crime...
"Oh, baby…Oh, baby…" emanating from the closed and bolted door. The Lord Hand Gomez' polite knock having gone unnoticed.
"Oh, Pury…Oooh…Oooh…OH!" a female shriek.
"The Minister of Science and Maester seems to be occupied, probably a patient…" Gomez noted.
Occupied, certainly…Joad internally agreed. "If I may, my Lord…" Banging firmly at Gomez' nod.
"Open in the name of the Lord Hand Addams!" Joad cried.
"OHHHH! Oh, er, one moment, my Lord!" call from within.
Sounds of fumbling, various items falling to floor.
The door rattling a moment later and then opening to reveal a rather lovely young woman in rather hastily redonned robes…
"My Lord Hand…Please come in. Maester Purile was just having his chiropractic therapy." She beamed.
"Er, yes…My Lord. Do come in." Purile calling from within… "Mistress Carolite has magic hands and various other parts. Does me wonders, especially after a long ceremony like this morning's." The two visitors entering to find Purile in linen tunic, seated on a large bed in the center of the room.
Various rather erotic small and large statues about the room visible as they peered about…
"I must take my leave…" Carolite beamed at Gomez. "I hope one day you'll make use of my services, my Lord."
"Indeed…I generally just have my wife walk all over me." Gomez reflected. "But my cousin Fester is big on chiropracty, swears by it."
"Oh, yes. Ser Fester. I know him well as a client." She nodded. "Please to tell him when he arrives in the Landing that I have an opening on Wednesday at 8, at the Middlefinger Entertainment Palade. Good day, my Lord. And you, Ser…"
"Tom." Joad noted. "I might be in the market for some chiropracty myself, Lady." She smiling…
Purile, slight frown…
One thing if I'm sharing with the greatest man in the Kingdom next to the King and my own boss, but quite another if…
"Oh, your brassiere, Lady Carolite…" Gomez, spying said item by the bed, picking it up for her.
"Thank you, my Lord." Slight bow, taking in hand.
"And your panties, I believe?" he held said item out to her
"I'm always misplacing them…Thank you." Wide smile. "Good den, all." She left, closing door.
"A girl who really gets into her work, I see." Gomez noted. "Well, I'm glad to see you so chipper, Purile. I've need of your expertise."
"My Lord." Reverential nod of head. "Old and infirm though I am, I live only to serve the Kingdom and its leaders' pleasure. How may I be of assistance to you?"
"Frankly…" Gomez had come over to the bed, Joad pulling a chair over for him…He taking seat by Purile, Joad standing, hand casually by sword. One never knows when one must spill a few guts in one's Lord's defense, after all… "I've heard some disturbing reports, rumors perhaps, about the death of the former Hand, Lord Arryn."
"Eh, one must not be swayed by rumor, my Lord…" Purile, slowly rising, piping voice. "Tis the road that leads one to confusion in all things…Yes."
Careful stare at end…
"Well, as I say…Perhaps it means nothing, perhaps unmitigated treason requiring a full investigation, interrogation by torture, and a gruesome execution." Gomez noted, cheerily.
"Yes…" Purile, rather thoughtfully. "Well, anything I can do…"
"The matter of the former Hand's mysterious death…" Gomez… "If you could tell me of his illness and last moments, you having attended him as court physician."
"Oh, the Lord Hand was stricken sudden by a terrible fever. It did lay about his guts till I purged and blistered him. He then slipped into a coma and passed that very night, poor man. Still, his end was quick, so may it be to us all." Purile bowing head reverently.
"I'd rather like to be caught in a railroad explosion myself. I agree, a quick end is a happy one." Gomez nodded.
"Unless of course it's an end…Helped…Along." Careful stare.
"My Lord?" Purile, donning look of pathetic confusion…
"I understand Lord Arryn was investigating some deep matters pertaining to the King and his heirs."
"Oh…? Well, that does sound rather like deep matter, my Lord."
"Did he by any chance mention such concerns to you? Or ask your assistance?"
"Hmmn…" Purile pondered. "Let me see…Uh…Now that you mention it, my Lord Hand did request some information from the royal archives of me."
"Really? What information?" Gomez, eagerly. "Anything to do with the succession?"
"Well…" Long pause… "Yes, he requested the book of the Kings…The Complete Histories in Five Volumes…" Purile nodded. "Yes, had to order it back from interlibrary loan…Some grad student was using it for his history thesis…Yes…Bitch of a thing to get them back. And the boy had dog-eared half the pages. The young have no respect for History, my Lord."
"We may want the name of said grad student, Minister…Can you remember him?"
"Oh, certainly…Young Maester candidate Snope, my Lord. A most promising young man, if over inclined to a casual attitude toward research materials. I'd had to chide him just the month before when he…"
"I'll need to talk with him, is he at the Citadel?"
"Oh…Well, he was. Most unfortunate…He died, just the day after my Lord Hand Arryn. Of a fever, himself. Mumbling about protecting some boy named Harry, I think. Or what that young Snape…? Hmmn…" Purile pondered. "Had this odd obsession with the Prophecy of the Walker Lord Voldesomething…Believed in the old legends of the Walkers returning, if I remember…Yes."
"Dead…Like Lord Arryn?"
"Well, I couldn't say without an autopsy and a full account of the lad's illness, my Lord…But…Dead, yes…"
"That's a bit odd that the two people most recently reviewing those Histories you mention should have died of similar illness so close together."
"Does give rise to concern, my Lord Hand. Perhaps I should have the archives fumigated?"
"Always wise in such cases…But, we ought to consider if there may have been some other connection, Purile. Just what do the Histories contain?"
"Oh, accounts of the Great Houses, my Lord. In excruciating detail…In fact I can't wonder if the tedium of reviewing the books…"
"Well, perhaps I should have a gander at them…" Gomez noted.
"Ah…Indeed, my Lord. Now let me think…" Purile, pondering…
A snore arising after a long moment…
"Maester?" Gomez, politely.
"Hey! Ah, my Lord…Yes…Yes…Er, what were we discussing?" Purile, looking about vaguely. "Did you have need of my services?"
"You were about to bring me the Histories of the Great Houses, Maester." Gomez explained patiently."
"The Histories…Why…Ah, yes…My Lord Arryn's interest in them. Well, let me fetch them…" Purile rose carefully. "Yes, yes…Happy to be of service…Now…Where…?" Vague look about…
"These them?" Joad pointed to the large stack of large tomes on table in corner, bearing title on spines, "The Histories of the Great Houses of Westeros, vols 1-…"
"Ah...Yes, yes. Sharp eyes, young man. Sharp eyes." Concealed glare…
Mental note for Queen Cersei…Kill this nobody sob…
"Yes, yes…There they are, the Histories of the Great Houses…"
Damn my affection for ancient books…
And the law decreeing Death for destroying the damned things…Those pompous ancient bastards wishing to ensure their dull tales of brutal struggle, triumph, failure, and ultimate death survived. Gods know why, they're all the same…
Maybe the Targaryens being the sickest of the lot a bit more entertaining…
"May I borrow these…?" Gomez asked as Joad scooped them. Slight wave of hand over sword to suggest the question was merely polite.
"Take them, my Lord Hand." Harhumphing tone as the Maester led his guests to his chamber door. "I hope you will find the answers you seek within." Purile nodded, waving hands. "Feel free to consult with me at any time regarding them and what you find, should you need my assistance."
Not like that's likely once the Queen hears of this…Sucker.
Still, his wife's rather hot…Would've been neat to have her at hand in the capital and see if she's anywhere near as kinky as that crazy sister of hers, though everything I've heard says the Addams are crazy but happy.
Pity…He waved to the departing Hand and minion, Joad lugging the tomes.
Wouldn't have minded again being double paid by wife and Queen to bump this one off as well.
What is it about being "Lord Hand" that makes a man so nosy into things nobody needs to know…?